According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 27 - Everyone Gets Dumped - full transcript

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Daddy, we found a
quarter in the dryer!

Oh, really?

Does it have a guy with
a ponytail on the front?

Yeah.

That's mine.

Hey, come on, no sad faces.

Why don't you go
check in the couch.

Maybe there's some money there.

You know, if it's not mine.

Oh.

Hi.



Hey, stranger, where you been?

Oh, working. God, I
miss unemployment.

That's funny. That's what I used
to call you, Miss Unemployment.

RUBY: I found a dollar!

Isn't that funny?

I just lost a dollar.

So, guess who I bumped
into? An old beau of yours.

Who?
Doug Stevens.

Doug? Get out!

Yeah! How is he?
How does he look?

The truth, or you just
want to feel superior?

Oh, come on, I'm not like that.

Fat, bald, in rehab?
Give me anything.

He looks fantastic.
Ugh.



In fact, he kind
of, well, sort of...

Asked me out.

Oh, my God!

Well, isn't that something?

So, uh, it wouldn't
be too weird for you?

Please. We broke up,
like, a million years ago.

Good, 'cause we've been
dating for the last two weeks.

What?
Okay, a month.

And I really, really like him.

Oh, well, good for you.

You know, we should have
him over here for dinner.

Oh, yeah, totally.
You know, someday.

You already invited
him, didn't you?

Saturday.

You know, Dana,
I just don't know

if dinner's such a great idea.

I mean, I'm
totally fine with it,

but you know how jealous Jim
gets around my old boyfriends.

Yeah, he does
that victory dance.

♪ I got her, you didn't

♪ I got her, you loser ♪

Fine, I'll ask Jim.

If he's okay with it,
then I'm fine.

Great. Okay, girls,
third time's a charm.

There might be some change
underneath Daddy's car seats.

Go on.

Jim!
What?

They got tiny little hands.
I can't get under there.

Um, honey?
What?

Uh, well, Dana is dating
one of my old boyfriends,

and she wants to have
him over here for dinner.

And I'm fine with it,

but, um, if you feel
weird about it at all,

I totally, totally understand.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

What's for dinner?

Steak.
I'm good.

♪ I got her, you didn't

♪ I got her, you loser ♪

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Here, here, here,
here, here. Try that.

Amazing!

You're an artist, you know that?

Oh, well, thank you, Doug.

I do know that, but it
never hurts to hear it.

Here. Here, try another
piece. Oh, I'm sorry.

BOTH: Five-second rule!

Yeah, you can have that.

Isn't he wonderful?
I think Doug's wonderful.

Doug's wonderful, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah, wonderful.

Hey, Jim, did you know that Doug
has season tickets to the Cubs?

No kidding!

Yeah, right behind the dugout.

Do you only have one seat?

No, I have two seats.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Try some of my famous
three-bean salad.

Yeah, she gets it at the store.

You know, uh...

God, the Cardinals
are coming in next week.

That's gonna be a
hell of a home stand.

You know it, my friend.

Hey, Cheryl, you want to
get my buddy here an ale?

Oh, I'd love to.

Whatever Doug wants. It is Doug's
world. (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Excuse me.

Okay, fine, I buy the
three-bean salad at the store.

But I add an extra bean.
That makes it four-bean salad.

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

Is this about me not
letting you use the grill?

Because we've
already been over this.

Man tames fire, not woman.

And yet you send me to relight
the pilot on the water heater.

That's different. That
basement's crawling with spiders.

You know what? You've been
acting weird with Doug all day.

That's not true.

Here's Doug's beer.

I'm getting the feeling you're
having a problem with Doug.

Well, maybe I do.

Why?
Doug is awesome!

I don't even know why
you broke up with the guy.

I didn't break up
with him, okay?

He broke up with me.

Well, well, well.

This all makes sense.

Ken dumped Barbie.

No.
Yes.

No. I'm not upset that
he dumped me, Jim.

I'm upset that he
never told me why.

It was just over, like that.

There was no closure.

Oh, great. Closure.

Do I have to stay for the
rest of this conversation?

You know, everything
between us was going great.

Yes, I do.

And one day I asked him
when I was gonna see him again,

and he just said, "Don't
worry about it. Life's long."

And I never
heard from him again.

Nothing! I had no
idea how to process.

Cheryl, you women are
insane about processing.

You know what?
Men just move on.

Are you telling me that when
someone broke up with you,

you didn't want to know why?

I just figured it was some
personal failure on their part.

Cheryl, men don't ask
why. They ask what.

Like, "What's for dinner?"

You never hear them
say, "Why dinner?"

You just... You
don't understand.

No, I do understand.
No, no, I do understand.

You have to let it go.

The guy dumped you
15 years ago, Cheryl.

Come on.
Move on, baby.

Okay, okay. Fine.

Maybe Doug could be
good for Dana.

Well, he'd be good for me, too.

Doug's got box seats
at the Cubs games.

Yeah. Yeah.
And you know what?

If things keep going
the way they are,

and I'm getting all the signals,

I think he's gonna ask me
to the game this weekend.

You know, honey,
Wrigley Field is pretty old.

I hear those stands
are infested with spiders.

Don't even joke like that!

(HUMMING)

Hey.

What?

Going to the game
with Doug, huh?

Yeah, yeah, it's
gonna be a good game.

Don't lend him any money

'cause you'll never get it back.

I think it's his treat.

Okay, well, that's good.

That's what I
thought 15 years ago.

Good old Doug says, "Hey, Andy,

"want to tag along
with me and Cheryl?

"We're going to see
Driving Miss Daisy."

I was gonna go
work out, but I figured,

you know, what's the
harm in skipping one day?

Andy, what is the point?

The point, Jim,

is we get to the box office,

and guess who conveniently
forgets his wallet?

Mr. Hair Product himself.

He stiffed me!

Do you realize how many times
I had to dance for my grandma

to earn that 10-spot?

You danced for your
grandmother for money?

That's not the
point of the story.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

You know, I don't
know. I just got this

really weird message from Doug.

Really? What?

Well, I haven't seen
him in a few days,

and when I called to ask
what was up for this weekend,

he left me this message back saying,
"Don't worry about it. Life's long."

(GASPS)

What?
What does that mean?

It means he dumped you.
Jim!

I mean, I don't know.

Dana, honey, come here.

Come here, sweetie, sit down.

It seems that that's Doug's
way of breaking up with people.

He did the same thing to me.

Exact words.
"Life's long,"

and I never heard
from him again.

I don't believe it.
Doug dumped me?

But he didn't even
give me a reason.

(SCOFFS)

Gee.

I feel so awkward.

I'm supposed to go to the game

with a guy who broke your heart.

You're not blocking
my car, are you?

(LAUGHS)

I had such a great time!

You know, I've never been to
every game at a home stand before.

You spoil me, Doug.

Yeah, well, extra
innings, walk-off home run.

Doesn't get
any better than that.

Oh, good stuff.
Good stuff.

But I got to say, you know,
last couple weeks,

I've been really
having a great time.

Me, too.
Yeah.

It's just that, you know, I've
been to games with other guys,

but it's different with you.

Yeah, I mean, you get me.

Hey, you want to come in?

Oh, no, I got to get up early.

Yeah, me, too, me, too.

Very busy. Very,
very, very busy.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Thanks.

So, are we gonna go to the game
on Thursday, the Phillies game?

I'll call you.
Yeah, when?

Tuesday, Wednesday?

Oh, hey, don't worry
about it. Life's long.

Hey, how was the game?

Oh, fine.

How's Doug?
Hmm. Yeah.

Good. Good.

Couldn't be better.
He's a prince.

Yeah.

He doesn't owe you 10 bucks.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, Daddy, I found
another one of your dollars.

Keep it.

Jim?

Honey, are you okay?

Hey.

I'm fine. Why shouldn't I
be? It was a good game.

Well, then, why aren't
you boring me senseless

with all the details
I don't care about?

No big deal.
It's just a ball game.

They won in extra
innings. Walk-off home run.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever.

(MOANS)

Jim, did something happen
with you and Doug?

What's with the third degree?

Can't a guy just
unwind after a game?

Fine.

Fine, unwind.

Fine.

Excuse me.

I'm gonna go be alone with
my thoughts and soak in the tub.

Oh, my God!
Doug dumped you!

He did not dump me!

He said it, didn't he, Jim?

He said,
"Life's long."

Yes, yes, he did!

It was awful!

I don't understand it. He
didn't even give me a reason!

Well, Jim, why don't
you just move on?

Men do, right?

I know, but, Cheryl...

I just can't.

Could it be that you're hurting?

And maybe you need closure?

No!

Yes.

I don't know!

I'm just feeling a little
emotional right now, all right?

Feels pretty terrible,
doesn't it?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE)
Mmm-hmm.

Well, there's only one thing

that can cure what you've
got. You need to process.

Hug?

Yeah.

(SNIFFS)

Tighter.

I don't want an apple martini.

Why can't I have a beer?

You have to, honey.
This is how we process.

But I said I...
(STUTTERING)

Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on.

Ooh, it tastes like jelly beans.

Uh-huh, see?

Okay, now tell us your feelings.

(SIGHS)
Do I have to?

Yes. Sweetie,
what are you feeling?

Well, all right.

I feel like I've
been hit by a truck.

Mmm-hmm.

Do you have an overwhelming
urge to get a new haircut?

A little.
Mmm-hmm.

Andy, get him another martini.

Coming right up.

You don't get over a broken
heart without a little liver damage.

I just don't get it.

The guy takes me to six games,

he pays for everything,

then he just tosses me aside
like what we had meant nothing.

You know what? You
are too good for him.

Oh, I don't know, Cheryl.

I might've pushed too hard.

My God, at the first
game, I high-fived him.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE)
Stupid, stupid, stupid!

What were you supposed to do?

Guy buys you a hot dog,
you make assumptions.

You know what? You want to
get over him? This is what you do.

First you call him on the phone,
and when he answers, you hang up.

Then you do it again
and again and again.

And then when he finally
changes his number,

you drive by his house,
and you spy on him.

Isn't that stalking?

No, no, it's healthy.

Also you have to burn
something he gave you.

My foam finger?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

All right.
May as well.

It's not like I'm gonna be
going to the Phillies game now.

Oh, yes, you are!

You have to go to
that game to show him

how well you're doing
without him! Mmm-hmm.

Well, what if he's with...

Someone else?

Then you go with someone else.

And then when you
accidentally bump into Doug,

you snub him in
front of the new guy.

It'll drive him crazy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'll
go. I'll be your new friend.

Oh, no, he'll recognize you.

He won't recognize me.
I was a dork back then.

The guy's got box seats.

They're way too
expensive. I can't afford that.

Oh, yes, you can. You get a
broker, and you pay what you have to.

I once spent $300
on a pair of shoes

'cause I knew I was gonna
see an ex with his new girlfriend.

And then when I did,

I made sure to compliment
her crappy shoes.

That's good, that's good.

Always compliment the shoes.

It shows you're
the bigger person.

You know what?
We should all go.

Doug's burned all of us.

Yeah, he did!
Yeah.

Yeah.
You know what?

We should all go and show
him he can't treat us like dirt.

Yeah!
That's right.

He can't take a prize like
me and just toss me away!

Whoo! You go, girl!

You know, I was really
into it till you said that.

(INAUDIBLE)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Pardon me, excuse me.

My seats are
right... Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Doug Stevens,
as I live and breathe.

What are you doing here?

I have season tickets.

That's right, that's right,

'cause I came
with you, and I sat...

Right there.

Yeah. Hey, Dana, Cheryl.

Hi, Doug. Uh, this
is one of my friends.

Alexander.
Alexander Hamilton.

(IN HUSKY VOICE)
Like on the $10 bill.

Yeah, we're, uh,
we're very close.

Best friends. Best
friends with this guy.

Great.
This is Oliver.

Hi, Oliver.
How are you, Oliver.

Nice to see you, Oliver.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Whoo, good day at Wrigley
Field, the Friendly Confines.

Yep.

Hey, Ollie.
Yeah?

Nice shoes.

Thanks.

You just stepped in gum.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.

Now what do we do?

Hey, show me off.
I'm your boy toy.

No, no, no!

We have to show Doug we're
having a much better time without him.

Yeah, yeah, Jim, say something,

and we'll pretend it's
hilarious and laugh really loud.

Okay, okay. Okay, I got
something. I got something.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah!

(ALL LAUGHING LOUDLY)

Jim, you are such a raconteur!

Cheryl, what a catch!
I'm jealous.

You witty, witty man!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL GROAN)

It's not working.

Look at them over there.
They make me sick!

All chummy.

What is he laughing
so hard about?

I don't know, but I'm
guessing it was more clever

than "blah, blah, blah."

(BASEBALL BAT CRACKS)
Hey, head's up! Foul ball!

I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it!

Oh, yeah!
Hey, hey, that's mine!

Hey, that's my ball.

Hey, new guy, that's my
ball. Give me my damn ball!

Whoa, whoa, what
are you talking about?

You know what I'm talking
about. I should be him.

That should be me
sitting next to you.

That should be me
that you gave the ball to,

not the guy you dumped me for.

I don't want you to get
the wrong idea here.

Uh, this is my wife right here.

We like to do it.

Jim, why don't you just sit
down and chill out, okay?

No, no, you know what?
He will not chill out.

Not till everybody here
knows how you treat people.

That's right, Ollie, you better
watch out 'cause you're next.

That's right.
Today it's fun and peanuts.

Tomorrow you'll be
drinking apple martinis

with your wife
and sister-in-law.

And you know what?
You'll want to know why.

But you never will 'cause he's
too much of a wuss to tell you!

All right!

Do you want to know why
I ended things with you?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, me, too.
Yeah, me, too!

Oh, fine.

Cheryl, I dumped you
because you never let things go.

You overcompensate
for your insecurities

with this obsessive
need for perfection.

Dana. You never emerged
from your sister's shadow,

and the lack of maturity comes
across as childish sarcasm.

Cancels out your good looks.

And, Jim...

You never stop talking!

I don't need to hear
your insane theories.

I just want to watch the game.

I don't need to know
the history of ham

or why women are like oatmeal.

You're a blowhard.

And this is why
men just move on.

Well, we all know
why Doug dumped us.

And we've all had
time to process.

Who feels better?

Anyone?

Anyone?

I am far too pretty
to ever have to hear

why someone breaks up with me.

"Childish sarcasm."
Yeah, right.

Am I insecure?

Or is he insecure
because I'm perfect?

I am, aren't I?
(SIGHS)

I really wanted that $10.

In Driving Miss Daisy money,
that's, like, three movies.

Well, I think I've proven

that this whole processing
thing's a bunch of crap.

We'll do it my way.

We'll forget about it
and move on.

Let's egg his house.
Toilet paper!

Rocks! And poo-poo
on his doorstep!

Ooh, poo-poo!