According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 26 - The Marriage Bank - full transcript

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Hey, Daddy?
Yes, my dove?

Can we hold umbrellas
and jump off the garage?

No, you can't do that.
That's too dangerous.

Then can we have popsicles?

All right, all right, I see
what you're doing here.

You're opening
with something big

so you can get
something smaller.

I invented that.

So can we?
Absolutely. Well played.

James.

Andrew.



(CHUCKLING)
What, what?

Have I got some good
news for you. What?

You and I are spending
a glorious weekend

at Fritz Kruer's cabin
up in Wisconsin.

Wow, that place
is supposed to be great.

How did you get it?

Oh, Fritz and I ended up in a
high-stakes dice game last night.

You playing craps
with one of our clients?

Craps? Please.
We're not roustabouts.

We played a gentleman's
game of skill.

Dungeons & Dragons.

Uh-huh.

Well, you better be
careful out in the woods.

You know, it's still
nerd season.



It's okay. They give
us special vests.

Uh-huh.

All right, so when are we going?

And don't say next
weekend. Next weekend.

Oh, no.
What?

Cheryl's never
going to go for that.

Next weekend is when
Aunt Kunka is coming to visit.

Aunt Kunka?

Is she the one with the unibrow

who soaks her underwear
in the sink?

Yeah, she doesn't
trust washing machines.

Or toothpaste
from what I remember.

So stick her with Cheryl.

What's the point
of having a wife?

I get to sleep next to
a beautiful woman...

Instead of staying up all night
playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Don't knock it. Try it
once, you'll get hooked.

Yeah, try mine once,
you'll get hooked, too.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Okay, Cheryl, come
on. Come on, up.

Out of my chair, out
of my chair. No, no!

You've been watching
TV for an hour.

If you wanted more time, you
should have put it in the wedding vows.

Let's go.
Jim, no, no, no.

Dr. Ted's almost over.
Only one more minute.

Yeah, he's about to give
us his word of the day.

Yeah!

DR TED: (ON TV)
Now, until tomorrow,

I want y'all to think
about this word...

Gratitude.

Gratitude.
Gratitude.

You know what my word
of the day is?

My. My TV, my chair, my remote.

Hey, hey, hey.

My... Small word,
so much power.

Mmm-hmm.

MAN: (ON TV) Attention,
Chicagoland viewers.

Dr. Ted will be in your area this
weekend for his two-day seminar,

Making Good Marriages Great.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Dana, write down that address!

We should go down there and
have Dr. Ted sign our books.

Oh, that's brilliant.

It'll be just like
when we met Journey.

Remember, you made out
with the security guard,

and we were
backstage in no time.

What?

Oh, just the once, honey.

Look, if you really
want to see Dr. Ted,

why don't you just sign
us up for his seminar?

(ALL LAUGHING)

No, I'm serious.

You want to spend the
weekend at a marriage seminar?

Why... Why is it so odd that I
want to work on our marriage?

What?

Well, Jim, it's on a weekend,

and... And you'd have
to get up early.

And shower.

And change who you are.

Fine, if you want to talk
me out of it, that's just fine.

No, no, no, no, no! No, I
mean, if... If you're serious,

then I'm going to call and get us
tickets before you change your mind.

Oh, Cheryl.
Get me a ticket, too.

Oh, Dana, it's... It's a
marriage seminar, and, well...

If you liked the Journey story,

ask her about Whitesnake.

And Def Leppard.

And Debbie Gibson.

Jim...

You beautiful,
sensitive man. Oh...

Oh, I didn't think
I knew you, but...

Come on, you don't know
me. You don't know me at all.

Come here. No, no,
no, get away from me.

(CHUCKLING)

That little performance just bought
me a fishing trip to Wisconsin.

How?
Well...

I just made a deposit in
what I call the marriage bank.

I deposit something
Cheryl wants, a seminar,

and I withdraw
something I want, a...

Fishing trip. Nice.
Uh-huh.

(LAUGHS)
Thank you.

Wait, wait, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're going to make
Cheryl babysit Aunt Kunka?

Well, it is a big check,
but I just covered it.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, honey, it was so
great of you to suggest this.

I mean, we already have
such a good marriage,

but anything good
can always be better.

Well, then why do you get so upset
when I put ketchup on your meatloaf?

There's already ketchup in it!

Oh, yeah, you're here 'cause
your marriage is so great.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, you know how
much I love Dr. Ted,

but as the darling of every
80s hair band reminded me,

I'm still single,
so I got me a husband.

As if she could ever trap
this piece of man steak.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome, Dr. Ted!

(WOMAN SHRIEKS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Are you people ready to...

ALL: Set things right?

Yeah, give yourself
a big round of applause.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

You know, during my many
years of counseling couples,

I have uncovered the hidden
danger in every marriage.

It's in my new book, Making
Good Marriages Great,

available in the lobby,
$34.95.

And I have given
this danger a name,

and I call it...
Tova, please.

The Marriage Bank.

Now, the Marriage Bank
is a place

where couples deposit
and withdraw favors.

Now, the thinking is,

"I will only do something for
you if you do something for me."

Now, is that starting to sound
familiar to some of you people?

Come on, raise
your hand if it does.

Raise your...
Come on, folks!

I thought we were here to...

ALL: Set things right!

Yeah.

The key to a
successful marriage,

is to avoid
tit-for-tat behavior.

I am so glad we don't do that.

(LAUGHING) No. I'm just
glad that I don't even know

what the hell he's talking
about. Hmm, I know.

Oh, honey, thank you so much

for going to that
seminar with me.

Oh, you're welcome, baby.

You don't have to thank me

or, you know, do
anything in return. Oh!

'Cause I just want
to set things up.

Yeah, honey,
it's "Set things right."

That, too. That, too.

I love you.

I love you more.

(LAUGHING)

Crap!

Now I can't trade that
seminar in for a fishing trip.

Hold on a second.

Did you see how proud
Cheryl was of you?

Yeah, so?

So, Jim,
the deposit's been made.

You just have to be creative
about how you make that withdrawal.

You have my attention.
Continue.

If I bring up
the fishing trip now...

Hmm.

If I bring up the fishing
trip now in front of her,

she'll think it's
a brand-new idea,

and she'll still think
that you wanted to go...

Ow!

And she'll still think you
wanted to go to the seminar

just because you love her.

You know, Andy,

if you didn't have such a
long history of being an idiot,

I'd say you were a genius!

Follow my lead.
I'll follow it.

Here, honey.
I brought you a beer

for no other reason
than I love you.

Oh, you are so sweet.
Aw.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Go up to your place
this weekend?

You, Fritz Kruer...
Go up to your cabin,

up on the Iron River
in Wisconsin next weekend?

Well, I'll tell Jim,
but there's no way

he's going to pass up
this golden opportunity.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hey, Andy.

What was that about?

You're never going to guess.

Fritz Kruer invited us
to use his fishing cabin

in Wisconsin next weekend. Oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
next weekend?

Yeah.

Rats.

That's the weekend my
Aunt Kunka is coming to visit.

Oh, right.
But, Jim, come on.

No, no, Andy.
No, no, no, no, no.

This is not fair
to Cheryl, and...

And our marriage
is more important

than a once-in-a-lifetime
fishing opportunity

(LAUGHING)
up in Wisconsin.

Jim!

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

Case closed.

(SIGHS)

You know, honey...

Yes, my young bride?

You love to fish.

You should go.

I mean, you did this whole
marriage seminar for me, right?

Well, honey, Dr. Ted
said we should avoid

any tit-for-tats in a marriage.

I don't expect anything
in return for letting you go.

I mean, did you expect anything
from me for going to this seminar?

Well, Cheryl, yes.

An even better marriage.

Oh, honey.

Look at you two.

Boy, did I marry
the wrong sister.

So...

When you sow seeds in
the garden of marriage,

you harvest a salad of love.

(SOBBING)

Kiss! Kiss!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

DR TED: Go on.

Give it to her.
Give her one.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Maybe they're not there yet.

Thank you, thank you.

Guys, we're going
to take a quick 10,

and then we're going to do a
fun little exercise on intimacy.

Ooh, intimacy.

Whoa, I hope you're
wearing your good underwear.

Oh.

Whoo, all that talk about salad

put me in the mood for a burger.

Jim, it's only
a 10-minute break.

Can you really find
a burger that fast?

(SLURPING) Sounds like
a challenge to me.

Oh.

That, uh, that t-shirt
looks great on you.

Of course, it'd look
a lot better off you.

(GRUNTS)

What are you doing?

We're married.

It's okay. I told her
we're swingers.

Oh!

No, we're not.

We are a loving couple.

We have adorable twins
Max and Maddie,

and we listen to books on tape
in our hybrid vehicle... Oh, okay.

And he makes me laugh
and laugh... Stop. Stop it.

Just stop it. I want
a divorce, all right?

These walls... They're
closing in on me!

This birdie's got to fly!

Fine, but I'm telling
our Mother,

that you were
the worst husband ever!

We have different
fathers, so it's cool.

Hey.

Oh, can you believe that jerk?

Well, to be honest,
I'm kind of surprised

you got him to come at all.

Oh, we made a deal.

I said I'd housesit for him
while he's fishing in Wisconsin.

They didn't find out about
that trip till last night.

Sure they did.

No, I was there
when they got the call.

That's weird.

No.

No, it's not.

I bet Jim knew about that

when he offered to do
the seminar with me.

(SCOFFS) 'Cause he loves me.

My ass!

You got all that from that
one little thing I said?

I've been married
to Jim for a long time.

The one thing that always
trips him up is time lines.

Well, that and Velcro.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to make a good
marriage petty and vindictive.

Excellent.
Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Okay, okay.
I got my burger.

Well...
What was my time?

I wasn't timing you.

What? Why did I buy
you that nice watch?

Oh, you mean my Folex?

Well, I can't take it back.
The guy drove away.

Mmm-hmm.

So you must be pretty
excited about that fishing trip.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I am,
although you know what?

I'm going to miss you,
as I oft do.

Oh, you sweet, sweet
man. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, my sweetie pie.

Okay, people, break's over.

Time to do-si-do, huh?

So grab your partner,

line up in front of some
piece of equipment.

As you see, what
we got here set up,

is what I like to call...

The Love Walk.

Now, the Love Walk
is a trust exercise,

because one of you is
going to be blindfolded,

and you are going to
have to trust your partner

to lead you through this course

using only words.

No touching.

Okay, let's go.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
honey. You know what?

We're not going to
be very good at this.

I mean, touching
is my best thing.

And listening is
way low on the list.

But, you know, why don't
we start with you? You start.

No, I insist, honey.
You go first.

(SIGHING)
All right, all right.

Oh, come on...
Oh, nice.

Hey, you nervous?

Well, yeah. I mean, I
can't see a darn thing.

Well, honey, you don't
have to be nervous.

You know you can trust me,

just like I know
I can always trust you.

Okay, now, take one more
step... Hey, hey, no touching.

Oh, okay.

Okay, one more
step. One more. Right.

One more. Okay,
now step up and over,

over, up, up, over.

Great. You did it.
Yes! I did it! I did it! Yes!

Good job, honey.
We can do it!

Let me ask you
something. Keep walking.

What prompted you to
take this seminar with me?

Oh, lots of things, honey.

Uh, unselfish love
being one of them.

Aw, that is so sweet.

All right, go ahead,
honey. Step.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Step.

(GRUNTING)
Oh!

Oh, honey... Oh, my bad. My bad.

(GRUNTING)

I'm sorry. I meant to
say ramp. I'm sorry.

That hurt, Cheryl.

I know, baby, but
you're good, you're good.

Now you got clear sailing, okay?

I trust you. I know,
honey, and you should.

You're good, see?

You're doing so great, honey.

And there's only one guy
who's actually faster than you,

but in your defense,
he's much younger.

(GRUNTING)

Cheryl!

I know you're only here
'cause of that fishing trip!

I'd like a new partner,
please. No. No.

Anybody want to trade?
You put your arm down.

All right, how did
you figure it out?

How do I always figure it out?

Damn. Time lines.

I don't believe you.

You didn't come
here out of love.

You just wanted to stick me
with your creepy Aunt Kunka.

Okay, fine, it's obvious
you're in one of your moods,

so why don't we just cut
our losses and go home?

No, no.

You want to go fishing, you
are staying here till the end.

This marriage bank check
hasn't cleared yet.

Fine. But I don't
need your help.

I'm 1/16th Cherokee.

I'll let the voices
of my ancestors guide me.

See?

(GRUNTING)

I'm fine!

Hold on.
Hold on, everybody.

I want everybody to focus on
Jim and Cheryl right back here.

Everybody, I want you
to take a look at this man.

Thank you!

No matter how many times
his wife led him into a wall

or just abandoned him,

he dusted himself
off and tried to...

ALL: Set things right.

With his marriage.

Let's give Jim a big hand.

No, no, no, no, no, no applause!

Please, please, please. I
didn't come here for applause.

I came here to work
on my marriage, and to...

ALL: Set things right!

No, no, no, no, no applause!

He doesn't deserve it.

Shame on you, Cheryl. Shame. Oh.

And shame on you, Jim,
for being such a doormat.

Oh, you got a real
problem, friend.

You're going to have to
find out what it is you want.

Jim is going to have to find out

what Jim loves,

that Jim doesn't
get to do anymore.

(JIM SNIFFLING)

Jim likes to fish.

No. I am not taking care of your
Aunt Kunka while you go fishing.

Ooh.

Looks like Cheryl
the accountant's

trying to cook the books
in the marriage bank.

What...

She does that a lot.

I bet she does.

People, this man
is what I like to call,

one-half of a good marriage.

Now, how many of
you agree with me?

Oh, thank you. No,
no, it's not necessary.

It's not necessary.

Please, please. Oh, all
right. Everybody needs a hero.

(LAUGHING) Yes.

How are you? Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

(MOCK CRYING)
"I want to go fishing."

I should have married Andy.

Oh, hey. Hey!

Come on, Cheryl.

You're tearing us apart here.

How long are you
going to hold onto this?

It happened half an hour ago.

Come on, honey.

I don't know what
upsets me most...

That you embarrassed
me in that seminar,

or that you only went 'cause
you wanted something in return.

Cheryl, it's the way
of the world. No.

Everybody does it,
including you.

Oh, I do not.

(SCOFFS) Really?

How come every time
you feed me lasagna,

all of a sudden, we're
going antique shopping?

(GASPS)

How dare you?

Please, it's a total bribe.

You're throwing some
noodles and meat on my plate,

and then we're looking
at dead people's furniture.

Well, that is
just a coincidence.

Oh, really, really?

Is it a coincidence
that every time

you put on your
cheerleading outfit,

I end up going to some
co-ed baby shower

or a wedding or someplace
you're going to show me off at?

Fine.

Fine, maybe...
Maybe...

Once in a while, I... I do
the marriage bank thing.

You happy?

Well, I'm not happy, but...

I'm a lot more smug
than I was a minute ago.

Aw, this is so sad.

I thought we were
better than this.

I certainly thought
I was better than this.

Well... you're not.

You know what?
We're not.

But who cares, Cheryl?

This works.

We've got a good marriage.

I know.

It doesn't mean anything
coming from my husband.

(LAUGHS)

I really wanted to
hear it from Dr. Ted.

Why? Dr. Ted doesn't
love you like I love you.

In fact, he doesn't
really even like you.

(LAUGHING) Come here.
Come over here.

Oh.

Come on.
I have a little...

(SIGHS) Intimacy
exercise we could try.

Oh, hey.

You know, I'd love to,

but first, you have
to mow the lawn.

Cheryl, you can't
trade sex for lawn care.

Why not? I traded
it for this house.

That was a good trade.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, pick up the kids?

Steak for dinner?

Take out the garbage?
Carrot cake for dessert?

Done.
Love you.

Love you more.