According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 25 - Trashed - full transcript

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Gosh, it's weird
being back at work.

I forgot about all the office
politics and the backstabbing.

Oh, no. Is somebody
picking on you?

No, no. I'm doing it
to other people.

I just... I forgot
how much fun it was.

Oh.

Hey, Daddy's home.

BOTH: Hi, Daddy.
Honey.

Hello, my doves.
Hello, my angel.

Hello, leftovers.

Cheryl, tell me about your day.



But just the highlights, please.

Okay, you remember
how I told you

Mrs. Reifschneider
is retiring?

Guess who's in charge
of her send-off party.

Cheryl, do you know
what highlights are?

And who is this, uh, Mrs.
Riffstinker? What's her name?

It's Reifschneider.
Ruby's art teacher?

Her favorite?

You rear-ended her
in the parking lot.

Oh, yeah.
Ratstellar.

Oh.

Daddy, look what I
made you in art class.

Will you put it on the fridge?

Yes. Just so happens
I have business there.



I love art class.

I get to sit next
to Bobby Simmons.

He wants to have a playdate.

Wow, that's pretty forward.

You know, my advice,
get to know him over drinks.

You know, a little
punch on the playground.

And when it's time to pay,
don't reach for your purse.

But what purse?

You're gonna be good at this.

But don't lead him on either.

If you say you want him to call,

don't give him a fake number.

'Cause that's just cruel.

Cheryl, Cheryl, there's no room

to put this up
on the refrigerator.

Can we get rid
of some of this stuff?

No, I like having this
stuff up here. It's special.

No, honey. This isn't
special. The kids are special.

Maybe we should put them up
on the refrigerator with magnets.

All right, fine.

Take this stuff
and put it in the garage

in the box marked
"Ruby, second grade."

And while you're at it, take down
some of these word magnets of yours.

Oh, come on. I use them to
write little love poems to you.

Oh, yeah, they are
sweet, especially this one.

Too bad you couldn't find
something to rhyme with "doable."

JIM: Oh, baby!

Oh, man.

Look at all this crap!

All right.
"Baby clothes."

"Empty jars."

"Oprah transcripts."

"Ruby, second grade."

Here we go. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God!
What happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

Eleven years of crap
that you won't throw out.

Oh, come on. How
can you call this crap?

(GASPS) Oh!

The blarney stone
Ruby made in kindergarten!

Honey, look!

(CHUCKLES)
I'd hate to lose that.

We could never replace that.

I mean, we'd have to go outside

and dump a bunch
of glitter on a rock!

Oh!
Come on!

Oh, honey, look!

It's the TV from
our first apartment!

Do you remember we used
to watch it in the kitchen,

and I'd cut up vegetables,
and you'd say,

"Oh, I can't wait
to eat those."

Yeah. It's amazing what
you'll eat to get a woman in bed.

Oh, honey.

I keep this because
it reminds me of you.

Yeah, well, you know something
else that would remind you of me?

The actual me!

Yeah, but that reminds me of a
time I still thought I could change you.

Come on, Cheryl.

We've got to get rid
of some of this stuff, honey.

I mean, you got
stuff here from college,

from when we were first dating.

And what about
all this kids' stuff?

Look at this stuff.

(GASPS) Oh!

Could you just die?

This is a clay map of Illinois.

I know.

It's not even to scale.

Well...

Cheryl, it's an object.
It's an object.

Objects aren't memories.
Memories are up here.

And in here.

Cheryl, please.

We've got to get rid
of some of this stuff.

I mean, I can't even get
the truck back in here.

So?

So?

I'm getting rid
of some of this stuff.

No, no, no.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

How about we compromise?

How about we get a storage space

and put all this stuff in there?

Why? So we can not look
at this stuff somewhere else?

No, honey. So I
know it's all there.

All right, we'll compromise
and do it your way.

All right.

Hey, hello.

Hi. Welcome
to Store-It-All,

formerly U-Store-It-All.

What happened to the "U"?

Well, there was a murder,

and we wanted to
distance ourselves.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking
for a storage space.

Nothing fancy.
It's got to be cheap.

All I want are four
walls and a roof.

So your crap won't be
needing a view then?

Right.

Our basic unit is $60 a month.

$60 a month?

Jim, let me.

Look, um, you're a very smart,

and I must say
a very beautiful woman.

Yeah, I'll go out with you.

Okay, uh, slow down, honey.
You're crowding me.

No, um...

(MOANS)

I'm just looking for a
little break on the price.

Can't help you.

Come on, 60 bucks a month?

That's like... That's
like a hot dog a day.

So do you want the space or not?

I've got to go track down
a smell on level 4.

No, no way. I'm
not paying that much

to store a bunch of junk.

Well, then,
perhaps Store-It-All,

formerly U-Store-It-All,
is not your cup of tea.

Leave your number.

I expect a real dinner,
no drive-thru, no coupons.

Of course, baby.
You rollin' with the A-dog.

Whoo!

Slap some butter on the bread!

(GROANS)

I don't know why I told
Cheryl that I would do this.

I'm just enabling her.

You know what? Screw it.
There's a dumpster out back.

Let's throw all the crap out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no.
You can't do that to Cheryl.

I'm not doing it to...
I'm doing it for her.

Don't you understand?
If she were a smoker,

I'd throw out
her cigarettes, right?

Jim, she used to be a smoker,

and you never threw
out her cigarettes.

That's because it was
never my damn business.

No, no.
I don't know, Jim.

Hey, do you want
a hot dog every day?

Because I could
show you that world.

I can see it.

It's so beautiful.

Mommy, can I help with
Mrs. Reifschneider's party?

Sure, honey. Why don't you help
make one of these centerpieces?

Okay, you know what?

Why don't you put
that over here?

Yeah, you know... Why
don't you just watch Mommy?

Okay? Okay.

So, Gracie, dish.

How were drinks
with Bobby Simmons?

He sucked the punch
up his nose with a straw.

I like that.

You know, it's true.

Girls really do want
to marry their daddies.

Yeah.

Hello, girls!
GIRLS: Hi, Daddy.

Who wants to go outside and
step on some ketchup packets?

BOTH: Yay!

What is with
all the hot dogs lately?

Yeah. I've seen you guys
eat one every day.

Well, you know, eating hot dogs

is the most American
thing that you can do.

Every time I take a bite,

I feel like I'm waving the flag.

Let freedom ring.

JIM: Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, well, when your
cholesterol gets to 300, sell.

Oh, honey, I'm gonna need
to get into that storage space.

(CHOKES)

Why, honey? What
is it that you need?

Well, I'm doing an
exhibit of the kids' art

for Mrs. Reifschneider's
retirement party.

And you said I'd never
look at that stuff again.

That's the great thing
about you, honey.

You remember every
frickin' thing I say.

So give me the keys.
I'm gonna go down there.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(LAUGHING)
Let me do it.

Oh, honey, that's so sweet,
but I want to go down

and pick out some
of my favorites.

Oh, what about
my favorites, Cheryl?

I mean, uh, you know, I like our
children, too, and I like their artwork.

And even though
you think I don't care,

I'm really gonna miss
Miss Redhouser.

Reifschneider.

Reif... Yeah.

Honey, you know what?

If you feel that
strongly about it,

I think it's a great idea.

Well, I also feel that strongly
about you and another woman...

No, Jim.

Come on, Andy.

Okay. We're gonna get it.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, man. You are as the
French say, so le screwed.

Look, all we got to do is
go back to that dumpster

and hope everything's
still there.

What? No way!

Hey, I have a date
with that storage woman.

What if she sees me
crawling around a dumpster?

I think I've established that
the A-dog does not roll that way.

What a mess!

I don't know if I've said it
for a while, but this sucks!

You suck!

Stop it! Stop it!
Just look!

Will you just look?

What are you doing, Andy?
What?

What are you doing? That's
a banana in a garbage can!

It's closed up.
It's perfectly fine.

Mmm.
Give me some of that.

This is pretty good.
It's fresh, too.

Wonder why they threw it out.

Oh, oh, oh! What?
What? You find something?

Did Ruby ever do a nice pencil-line
drawing of Alan Greenspan?

No.
Oh.

Then it's just
The Wall Street Journal.

You know what?
This sucks!

If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't
even get out of your house.

Oh, really?
Yeah, really.

Really?
Yeah!

Oh, well, then let me
thank you. Here.

Here, Jim.
Here's a gift.

How about a nice
biohazard container?

Oh, Andy!

For crying out loud, just
keep looking, will you?

All right.
(SIREN WAILING)

It's here. I know it.
We threw it in here.

We've been looking
forever, Jim. Give it up!

Nothing's here!
Come on!

(CRACKING)

What's that? What? I
don't know. I'm looking.

Right there. Look. That's
Ruby's stuffed animal right there.

Let me reach.

It's moving! It's
moving! (SCREAMING)

Get away! Get away!
Get off me!

Get away from me!

(REVERSE SIGNAL BEEPING)

Please. Please tell me
that's your cell phone.

Hey! Hey, no, no!

Wait! Right here!

Oh!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

No!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

All right, we got extra glue,
glitter, construction paper.

Yep.
(LAUGHING)

The soundtrack to Top Gun.

What's that for?

Hey, Jim, 99 cents.

Do you feel the need for speed?

Yes, I do, we got
to speed this up.

Cheryl's gonna be back in
an hour from her meeting.

Let's go.
Let's finish this.

How much of this stuff of
Ruby's do we have to duplicate?

Just enough to put
one over on Cheryl.

You know the drill.
Sure, sure.

Throughout this, I want
to be called Maverick.

Okay, Maverick.

So, okay.

So what do you want me
to do? Where should I start?

Well, I'm gonna do
some cotton ball clouds,

and why don't you
draw something like a...

Oh, I know what Ruby
does all the time.

Family.
Do a family portrait.

I'm on it.

What if Cheryl doesn't
buy this, though?

Oh, come on.

She never looks at this stuff.

She wouldn't know the difference
between this and Vincent van Goat.

Don't you mean Vincent van Gogh?

No, van Goat.

The goat at the state fair
who paints with his beard.

Yet another reason
our state fair

blows Wisconsin
out of the water.

That's right, Maverick.

(LAUGHING) All right,
a little here, a little there.

Okay. What do you think?

Andy, I think that's perfect.

If Ruby was a courtroom
artist! Come on!

This stuff has got to
look like a kid did it.

It's got to look bad.

Well, Jim, I'm not
eight years old anymore.

I got too much talent.

Would it help
if I gave you a wedgie?

It might.
Let's give it a try.

(SCREAMING)
Okay. That's it.

That's good. It's
working. Call me a sissy.

Sissy!

Tacky.

Derivative.

Cats have tails in my world.

You told me we were going

to some fancy art opening.

Two, three, ten more lies
like this, and we're through!

Come on, if I took you
to a real opening,

some trendy artist would
steal you away from me.

Hmm. You got that right.

I'm gonna go get us
some punch and cookies.

I have a feeling we're going
to need our energy later.

Oh, right. Thirsty.

Suggested donations
are a dollar.

There you go.
Thank you.

You don't work here, do you?

No.

Hey...

Hey, Gracie.
So, Bobby Simmons here?

Yeah, that's him
with his mom and dad.

Oh, Gracie, you don't
want to date a guy

who still lives with
his parents. Come on.

Hey, is it working? Are we
fooling them with the artwork?

Yeah, I heard someone
pass by and say

this was fourth
grade-level work.

Hey, guys.

Mrs. Reifschneider,
this is my brother Andy...

Hello.
And you know Jim.

Hi, Mrs. Reifschneider.

Oh, for God's sake, Jim, it's...

That's right.

Thank you.

Well, thank you, Cheryl,
for this lovely party.

And I must tell you that
Ruby's work really stands out.

Oh!

Well, thank you.

Yes, uh, you're too kind.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

What do you think of the
rainbow here? Pretty slick, huh?

Well, it's wonderful.

Yeah, well, I much prefer
the dog under the tree.

I think it's far superior to
some average rainbow.

Yeah, well, look at the
clouds, though. Look at that.

They look really real.

That's very hard to do.

You're a hack.
Shut up!

What difference does it
make? It's all Ruby's work.

She wishes.

Well, Mrs. Reifschneider,

we are going to
miss you so much.

Oh, aren't you sweet?

But I'm not going to
miss this snake pit.

What a bunch
of backstabbing S-O-Bs.

Oh!

Isn't that precious?

Yeah, precious, isn't it?

Yeah, aren't you glad
I didn't let you

get rid of all these
beautiful memories?

(LAUGHS)
Come on, Cheryl.

I mean, if Ruby's
name wasn't on this,

nobody would know it was hers.

Oh, please.
A mother knows.

Right here.

A mother knows?
Yes.

Really?
Really.

Well, then I wonder if
Mommy has a clear memory

of when Ruby did
this little horse.

Of course I do.
Kindergarten.

Oh. Well,
how about this tree?

Ah, that tree.

It was spring, and Ruby went out

and drew the tree
in the backyard.

Oh, Cheryl.

You have some kind of memory.

I know. That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

Each one of these
is a memory for me.

And, Jim, if you paid
a little more attention,

they'd be memories for you, too.

Honestly, I feel a
little sorry for you.

You feel sorry for me?

I do.

You know what? Honestly,
I feel a little sorry for you.

Why? Because
you think all this stuff

is your daughter's
precious artwork.

You know what?

Andy and I threw this
together last night! Ha!

What?
Yeah.

I didn't rent
that storage space.

We just threw it all out.

You didn't!
Yes!

And we did all this
by ourselves,

and you couldn't tell
the difference.

You are unbelievable!

You threw Ruby's stuff
away without asking me?

Threw it all away.
Absolutely. Every bit.

There's not one popsicle stick,

not one painted
piece of macaroni.

You threw out my
artwork? (CHERYL GASPS)

Ruby...

So, uh, you want to
see a movie later?

Is it playing at your place?

(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, baby.

As long as it's not
Gone in 60 Seconds.

Oh, honey...

I am so sorry
that Daddy did that.

Mommy didn't know
anything about it, baby.

I am just as sad and
upset as I know you are.

Okay, okay, okay, okay,
my turn, my turn.

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, Ruby toons.

Why'd you throw it out?
Did you hate it?

No, Ruby, I don't
hate your artwork.

Actually, I love your artwork.

There was so much good stuff,
we couldn't keep it all.

I did make some
good stuff, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

And it is so sad
that it's all gone.

You know what? It is
sad that it's all gone.

But the good news is
is you can paint some more.

That's true.

Yeah, and you can paint
really good stuff.

Hey, cool!
Yeah!

Way to go, Jim.

She's devastated.

Cheryl, please.

The only person that's
upset about this is you.

Ruby's not upset.

No one else can tell
the difference.

I am upset for the kids.

How do you think they'd feel

if they saw their artwork
in the garbage?

Cheryl, that's why I
threw it away across town.

I mean, if they're
in that neighborhood,

believe me, they're not trying
to score on their old artwork.

(GASPS)

My baby's artwork is
hanging up in a crack house?

Oh, good, I'm so glad
you took it that way.

I was so afraid you were
going to be overdramatic!

Oh!
Jim, you don't get it.

Ruby made that blarney
stone when she was five.

Now she's eight. She
will never be five again.

You're right.

Or six. Or seven...

Oh, God, don't say that!

All right, you're right.

We have to preserve
every moment!

Jim! I feel like
I'm losing something.

Oh. Come on.

Well.

Look, Cheryl,

you don't have to hold
on to all their artwork.

You don't.

Holding on to it is not going
to keep them from growing up.

Oh, I know.
They're going to grow up.

You've got to make room
for some new memories.

Well, I am not throwing
everything away, Jim.

I mean, some of that
stuff really is special.

(SIGHS)

Well, then I'll tell you what.

If it's special, then
let's treat it that way.

How about this?
Once a year,

we pick a couple pieces,

and we hang them up
in the hallway upstairs.

Okay.
You like that?

Yeah.
(CHUCKLING)

We could frame them.
Uh-huh.

And you could do
some fancy lighting.

And you could fix the
hinge in the garage door.

Where did that come from?

Well, I've been asking
you to do it for months.

I thought I'd just slip it in.

(LAUGHS)

Honey, if I fix the hinge,
then I might forget

about the wobble
on the garage door.

I want everything to remind
me of that, and I'm gonna flip out!

Nice try! Fix it.

(CHUCKLING)

All right. Come on,
let's go back in there.

'Cause now that you know
I did that artwork,

I want your honest opinion

if mine's better than Andy's.

Yeah, you know, I did have
my suspicions, though, honey,

'cause that hand turkey looked
a little meaty to be Ruby's.

(LAUGHING)