According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 20 - No Crime, But Punishment - full transcript

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Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

To the bathroom.

No, no, no, no.

Uh-uh.

I don't think so.

You live across the street
now. Go use your own.

(LAUGHS)
What's the big deal?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'll tell you the big deal.

I'm having a few beers.



I want to keep it open for me.

Okay, you go first.

I don't have to go now.

So, then I'll go.

No, no, no, no!

No!

Because if you go in there and I think
about you, then I'm gonna have to go.

You think about me
when I'm in there?

Just go. Just go
to your own house.

Try not to think
about me when I'm gone.

Just get out of here!

Damn! I gotta go now!

JIM: Oh, baby!

Cheryl, get in here!
I want you to see something!



CHERYL: Oh, for God's sake,
would you just flush it?

Not that! Come
here. Look at this.

(GASPS)

Oh, no.
Gracie strikes again.

Yeah.
What's going on?

Oh, creepy.

You know what?
That is my nail polish.

God, Gracie must have
taken it out of my purse.

Yo! What the hell
is this?

I have to use the
bushes, but you three

are having some sort
of convention in here.

Oh, come on, Andy,
get out of here.

CHERYL: Oh! I don't know
what to do about Gracie.

She's not listening, she's talking
back, and now she's bagging.

Tagging.
Oh, right.

You know what?

I say we come down
on her like an 18-wheeler

on a sleepy deer.

Right. Right.
It's time to get tough.

Tonight, when I tuck
her in, no song.

All right,

but if child services
call, you talk to them.

Oh.

Cheryl, you know what?

We've tried your
touchy-feely, sensitive crap.

Well, but, Jim,
all the books say...

Cheryl, books are for idiots!

Your way is not working!

Well, it works on Ruby.

Well, she's the good kid.

Yeah. She really is.

You know, one time
she apologized to me

for it being cloudy.

It's Gracie.
You know, she's like me.

She's different.
There's a darkness there.

Can I be honest?

If she weren't your kid, I
wouldn't speak to her. What?

I say we take the gloves off.

She's not gonna get
that Game Boy she wanted.

We make her clean the
boogers off the mirror by herself.

And just to stick the knife
in and twist it a little bit more,

while she's cleaning it off,

I'll eat cookies
in front of her.

No, Jim.

We'll eat cookies
in front of her.

Yes.

What do you think, Cheryl?

All right, all right.
We'll try it your way.

We got to nip
this thing in the bud.

You know, I want to be
PTA President one day,

and this is just the
kind of stuff they dig up.

All right, you get
the nail polish remover,

and I'll get the cookies.

Ah, we're out of both.

Seriously, what do
you do all day?

Ooh, can we drive
through the car wash?

No, no, young lady.

No fun for you today.

You are still in booger trouble.

Daddy, I said I
wouldn't do it again.

Yeah, well, that's what
you said the last time,

and there's
a new sheriff in town.

Ooh! Does he have
a horse? I like horses.

Horses and dolphins.

Can I go see the magazines?

Yes, yes, yes.

But don't look at the pictures.

It'll give you
an eating disorder.

All right, nail polish,
nail polish. Let's see.

Nail polish remover.

What's with all
the different colors?

I'm guessing orange
takes off orange,

purple takes off purple.

Add it to the list of things
I don't get about women.

This, vegetarian sandwiches,
and crying when they're happy.

(LAUGHING) Yeah!

All right.
Oh, my God.

Do you see what I see?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it right there!

Honey, you put that back
right now! Put it back!

No, it's mine.
The lady gave it to me.

What lady gave it to you?

The pink balloon lady.

The pink balloon lady?

Yeah, let me guess, sweetie.

She bounces around from
pharmacy to pharmacy

handing out Crunchy Chunks.

Daddy!

No, no, not another word,
young lady.

You are in real trouble now.

Now give me that. Come
on. Spit it out in my hand.

All right, come on.

You see, Andy?

This is how a man
raises children.

Strong, firm, and unwavering.

What do you do with
the gunk in your hand?

I don't know. Cheryl
usually has a wipe.

Ah, those vegetarian
sandwiches are so good!

Mmm!

I know. I'm so
happy I could cry.

(GROWLING)

Daddy's mean!

That's right, I am!

What's going on?

I caught your daughter stealing.

Oh, no.

Don't worry about it.
I took care of it.

She's grounded for a month!

What did she steal?

Candy.
From the pharmacy.

(SIGHS)
Yeah, and get this.

She tells me that
yesterday some woman

with a pink balloon
gave it to her.

The pink balloon lady?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on.

How dumb does she think I am?

Dumb enough not to know

that your kids
get their hair cut

at a place called
the Pink Balloon.

Where they went yesterday and
where they give out free candy.

Crunchy Chunks?

Crap!

What kind of kid doesn't eat a
candy bar as soon as they get it?

All right.

Well, I guess we really
screwed up this time.

We? We didn't
do anything.

All right, let's not beat
ourselves up. You're right.

The grounding will
just be a punishment

for all the things that
she's gotten away with.

Like, uh, like breaking
the lamp on the end table.

No, that was you proving you
can still jump over the couch.

All right, well, how about
the gum in the shower head?

Mmm-mmm. Still you, trying
to create massage action.

What, am I on trial here?
I didn't steal any candy.

Neither did Gracie,

and when she tried to tell you
the truth, you didn't believe her.

You're right.

All right.
I'll talk to her.

Good.

But you're coming with me.
It was your idea.

What was my idea?

Having a family. I was
happy with the two of us.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hey, girls.

Hey.

Hey, Rube, Mommy and Daddy

need to speak to Gracie alone.

Okay.

Here's my Crunchy Chunk, Daddy.

I don't want to get in trouble.

Doesn't anybody in this house

eat a candy bar
when they get it?

(STAMMERING)

Go.

Come on.

Hey.

Hi, Gracie.

Grapes.

Gracie Gumdrops.

All right, I'll give you
two bucks to talk to me.

What?

Look, um, about this, uh,

Crunchy Chunk situation...

I got some bad intelligence.

So, uh, this
grounding thing is...

It's off. It's over.
It's done.

I'm sorry.

And your mother's sorry.

Uh, and me too.

So, what do you say?

Apology not accepted.

What do you mean,
apology's not accepted?

I just gave you two bucks!

Jim, technically, the
money was for talking,

not for an apology.

Well, aren't we lucky
you were here to catch that?

Gracie, sweetie,
everybody, including parents,

make mistakes.

Now, Daddy made a mistake,
and he's admitting it.

But he didn't believe me.
That hurt my feelings.

Look, your mother
said I was sorry,

and you're $2 richer.

You know, I think
that's a pretty good day

for a little girl like you.

And next time, Mommy
and Daddy will believe you.

We promise.

What do you say?

Oh.

Aw.
Thank you.

Does that mean I get
my Game Boy now?

Well, I don't see why
not. Uh, uh, uh, easy.

You don't want to give the
keys to the kingdom away.

Right. Right.
No Game Boy.

You know, you still
wrote on that mirror.

That's right.

Although, you know,
on the upside,

you did spell "boogers"
right this time.

Okay, halftime.

What do you say we watch
the second half at my place?

Nah.

Why not? It's just
across the street.

I know what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna toss back a few beers,

I'm gonna have to go
to the bathroom.

When I ask you if I
can use your bathroom,

you're gonna say no,
and I gotta come back here.

Oh, my God, Jim. I can't
believe how petty you think I am.

(WHISPERING) Too soon! Too soon!

Hey, girls.
How was the park?

I went all the way across
the monkey bars and back.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, and I tried to read a book

while she yelled,
"Watch me! Watch me!

"Watch me!
Watch me! Watch me!"

Oh, wow!
You guys broke down

and bought Gracie
a Game Boy, huh?

First game!
Called it.

I didn't get her that.

Neither did I. Did you
see something at the park?

Hey, unless I hear crying or
stranger danger, I don't look up.

Cheryl, she stole it!

Oh!

No, she stole that Game Boy!
Gracie, get down here!

(STAMMERING)
Calm down, Jim.

You're getting that
vein thing in your neck

like that time
I smiled at the valet.

Cheryl, she wanted a video game,

we told her she couldn't
have a video game,

and she comes home
with a video game!

I did the same exact thing
when I was a kid

except for it was
a Batman lunchbox

and later on it was a Camaro.

Watch out for the gremlins! Use
the magic sword! Way to go, Andy.

Okay, hey.
Let me handle this.

I... I... I...

All right. Be strong.
Okay, okay.

Be a rock!
Okay! Okay!

Hi.

Hey, sweetie.

Can you tell Mommy and
Daddy where you got that?

Uh, at the park.

Really? From who?

Um, my friend Annie.

Okay.
Not okay!

Not okay at all.

You call that being a rock?

Well, I'm a nice rock.

Annie, huh?

I don't know any Annie.

You don't know
any of my friends.

(SCOFFS)
That is not true.

There's, um, glasses and, um...

Overbite.

And the one with the hot mom.

Hey, if you can throw
yourself at a valet,

I can notice a nice
tight pair of yoga pants.

All right, what's her last name?

I don't know, honey.
I see her in carpool.

I smile at her once in a while.

That's all. Really.
That's it. No!

What's Annie's last name?

Annie...

Where's she from?

Jupiter?

Jupiter? Wow,
well, let me ask you.

Is she adjusting to
the gravity all right?

Oh.

You believe me,
don't you, Mommy?

You promised me you would.

That's right.

Mommy promised, so
we have to believe you.

Thanks, Mommy.
Here.

Thanks!
Hey!

"We'll believe you next
time, honey. We promise."

How could you say that to her?

I was trying
to be a good parent,

thereby bringing
her total to one.

Ah, come on.

Well, excuse me for
trusting my own kid.

Honey, everybody knows that
the road to hell is paved with trust.

You know, I want to write my
own parenting book one day.

Guilty!
End of story!

She got a Game Boy
from an alien at the park.

What kind of story is that?

Are you sure
you didn't see anything?

How many times do I have to
tell you? I don't pay attention.

All right, you know
what? That's it.

No more taking
the kids to the park.

Oh, no, not that.
Anything but that.

All right, Jim, you know what?

We have to be
100% sure she did it,

'cause if we punish her and
it turns out she's innocent,

we're gonna lose any shred of
credibility we have left as parents.

ANDY: She's right.

You need hard evidence.

You need a clean collar.

How?

She's not gonna talk.

Oh, not Gracie.

But I think there
may be a little bird

in this family who may
be willing to sing.

Ruby?

I-22.

Bingo.

She won't even know
we're grilling her.

She'll just think she's
having a little ice cream

with her friendly
aunt and uncle.

You know, I like it! We
can play good cop, fat cop.

So, can I put some more
sprinkles on there for you, Rube?

There you go.

Ooh, and chocolate syrup, too!

Not so fast, angel.

So, last night,
I couldn't help notice

you hid your peas
under your mashed potatoes.

I was hiding them from
you. You steal food.

Hey, hey, hey! Andy,
ease up, ease up!

She's just a kid.

Sorry about that, Rube.

Look, you tell us
what we want to know,

and I make that whole
pea thing go away.

(LAUGHS) Aunt Dana,
you said "pee."

Well, well, well. We got
ourselves a real comedian here.

Do you tap dance, too? 'Cause
I'm really enjoying the show.

Now...

Where did Gracie
get the video game?

(MIMICKING ANDY) Her
friend Annie at the park.

Okay, so there is an Annie.
Have you met her?

No. I was
on the monkey bars.

Right!
Monkey bars! Yes!

You know what I don't
like about that story?

Everything!

Andy, Andy, Andy,
walk away! Walk away!

Just walk away!

Oh, man.

Look, Rube, I know
where you're coming from.

I mean, I have a sister, too.

Who?

Your mom.

And sometimes,
you know, I tell on her

because it's good for her.

So help me to help you
and tell us what you know.

Well...
Yeah?

I know that
nine times nine is 99.

CHERYL: What happened?

Kid won't crack. She's
made of stone. Stone, I tell ya.

Oh, and she needs
help with her math.

What are we gonna do
about Gracie?

The only thing
a responsible parent can do.

Set her up and entrap her.

Hey, Gracie, come here.

So, is your friend Annie here?

Yeah.

Well, where is she?

I don't know.
Around.

Around, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Hmm. Uh, wait.
Gracie, come here.

Here is a cupcake.

Your mom wants you
to give it to Annie

to thank her for the Game Boy.

Okay.
Okay.

Ah! Look at that.

The trap is set.

All right, if she
eats the cupcake,

we know there is no Annie,
she's lying, and we win.

That doesn't mean we win.

It means our daughter
is a liar and a thief.

Why is the glass
always half empty with you?

(SIGHS)
(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

There is a darkness there.

Don't blame yourself, Cheryl.

It's my sick, twisted genes.

CHERYL: Wait a minute.
Maybe that's Annie.

Come on, she ate the
cupcake. She's lying.

Could we just give her
the benefit of the doubt?

That is why we're spying on her.

All right, I'm gonna go.

What are you doing?

I've got a plan.

Don't let her see you.

Well, that's kind of the
cornerstone of the plan, Cheryl,

but thanks.

Hey there.
Can I help you?

Nope.
I'm just spying.

Oh, no, no.
Not on everyone.

Just that one little girl.

Come on, freak!
Let's go!

What? Ow! Wait!

Okay, kid, hold it.

Safety inspector here.

Got some complaints.

That's a yogurt card.

(MOCKING BOY)
That's a yogurt card.

Hey, I'm undercover.
Beat it!

(GRUNTING)

How do babies do this?

(GRUNTING)

And I saw this dog
with a cat on its back.

It was silly.

That's funny, Annie.

Can I have some of that cupcake?

No, it's mine! But thank
you for the Game Boy.

It's okay. You're my friend,
and I had two, anyway.

Want to go play
on the monkey bars?

(GRUNTS)

So?

That was Annie.

(SIGHS)

But Gracie ate the cupcake.

She's only human.

But she didn't
steal the Game Boy.

Wow. So after all this,
Gracie's innocent.

Again.
Yeah.

Yeah. Her alibi
is as tight

as this tunnel around my ass!

I hate myself.

Man, are you guys bad parents.

Hey, how about a hand here?

Hey, how about a hand?

You stuck, inspector?

Yes. Yes, I am.
Can you give me a hand?

Yeah, yeah. Bite me!

(GRUNTING)

Help!