According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Packer Ball - full transcript

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And Jim, can I have
all your guppies?

(CHUCKLING)
And I win again.

(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)

If only they had Go
Fish tables in Vegas.

Yeah, or Old Maid.

(MOCKING)

Are there any popsicles left?

Yeah, I think
there was one left.

Oh, I call it. It's mine,
mine, mine, mine!

All right!

Hello!



Wow, look at my little
ninja! (CHUCKLING)

How'd she do?

Honey, she is so great.
Show Daddy.

Hai-ya!

Ah, yeah! Way to go!

Now can I have my popsicle?

Of course, honey.

Oh, actually, sweetie,
Uncle Andy...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let it play out.

GRACIE: Hai-ya!

Cheryl,

Gracie's not sharing.

JIM: Oh, baby!



BOTH: Three, two, one.

Yes!

Exactly 24 hours till our
beloved Chicago Bears

(IMITATES CROWD SCREAMING)

take the field against their
arch-rival, the Green Bay Packers!

Boo!

Are you ready for some football?

Oh, yeah, Monday night
football, baby!

And we're going!
My son's first game!

Chest bump!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Yeah! (HOWLS)

No. Ow! Take the pen
out of the pocket!

Daddy, Daddy, we made a
shirt for Kyle's first football game.

Oh, look at that
shirt. You got...

What do you got here? You got
rainbows, starfish. Who's this on the pony?

That's the Olsen twins.

Oh! Isn't that cute?

But don't you think Chicago Bears
should be somewhere on this shirt?

I told you!

Are they coming to the game?

Sadly, a sleepover was
scheduled for the same night!

Yes!
Yeah!

Ow! Wedding ring!

I'm sorry.
That hurt.

All right, Andy,
we got the game...

Listen, I want everyone to
know I had nothing to do with this!

With what? With what?

With that...
What?

That... That...
That Packers ball.

(STAMMERING) Cheryl...

(TALKING GIBBERISH)

It's a Packers ball.

Yes, it is!
I'm sorry.

Again, I had nothing to do with
bringing this filth inside your house.

Cheryl!

Kyle was throwing a fit in the
market. I had to do something.

Did you try parenting?

I mean, I spend all that money
on those parent magazines.

Aren't you even reading them?

I put two quarters in the vending
machine. That's just what came out.

I begged her to give him candy.

Ah, don't worry about it, Kyle.

Your daddy's here right now.
Just give me the ball.

Mine.

I don't believe this is
happening. You let this happen!

Would you calm down?

It's just a stupid little toy.

Oh, sure.

Why don't you just go out and get
him some booze and a chainsaw?

Must I explain to you again

about the concept of
the formative years?

I do not want Kyle
forming into a cheesehead.

Honey.

He's gonna forget about
this tomorrow. I promise.

Come on, would you
just let it go?

I guess it's all right.

Okay. Yeah.

No big deal. Right,
guys? (CHUCKLING)

Yeah. It's just a toy.
Yeah, it's cool.

(CHUCKLING)

All right, let's get
that ball. Okay.

Oh, I got an idea.
I'll give him... What?

(SOFTLY) I'll give him a cupcake,
and then you take the ball away.

Oh, it's like taking
candy from a baby!

That's actually a fallacy.

Um, babies love candy,

and rarely do they let
people take it from them.

Okay. Here you go,
sweetie. Want a cupcake?

Mmm! Yum, yum,
yum, yum, yum!

Mine.

Great.
(SIGHS)

Now he's got the ball
and the cupcake.

He is so your kid.

Jim! Jim, why aren't
you dressed?

It's Kyle's wedding day.

Kyle? Kyle? Hmm.

Name sounds familiar, but, uh...

Oh, Jim. We've been waiting
for this day for 20 years.

He's your son.

Is he still a cheesehead?

Then I have no son!

Please, Dad. Please.

It's the most important
day of my life.

Are you still a Packers fan?

Don't blame me. Blame Mom.

She's the one who gave me this stupid
Packers ball during my formative years.

You were right, Jim. I
couldn't raise the boy.

Can you give me the ball now?

Mine.

(EXCLAIMING)

(WHISPERING)
All right, Kyle.

I pumped 72 quarters
in that vending machine,

and I finally got a Bears ball.

Yes!

That's my boy.

(SIGHS)

Does life get
any better than this?

Yes, Jim, it does.

Hey, Dad?
Yes?

Ready to go?

Jeez, Kyle.

Do we have to go to
every single Bears game?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING GLEEFULLY)

Ah, I love you, Dad!

I love you, too, Son!

Hey, hey. Thanks for
taking away that Packers ball

when I was in
my formative years.

How can I ever repay you?

Well, there is the matter
of the 72 quarters.

Take it out of my college fund.

Yeah, about that. Um...
(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, guys, come quick!
It's raining donuts!

Kyle! Kyle,
run upstairs quick!

Fill the bathtub full of coffee!

I've got the upside-down
umbrella!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

KYLE: Green ball!
Green ball!

(WHIMPERING) Green ball!

No, no, no, no, honey. Blue
ball. Blue ball. Green ball!

Blue. Blue. Blue.

Oh, look at what you
did. No, you... (FUSSING)

Not the green ball.
You want the blue ball.

(WHIMPERING)

No! Green ball.
Green ball! Green ball!

(BAWLING)
Jim?

What's going on?
Why is Kyle upset?

I don't know.

Maybe he's just letting
out his feelings, you know?

You okay with that?

I mean, otherwise he could
just stuff his feelings in

and, uh, drink them away
like your Uncle Howard.

What? What are you
talking about?

(WAILING)

Honey, where's his
Packers ball? Green ball.

It's history. Here.
Green ball.

This is the ball he should have.

No!

Would you give him
the ball he wants?

Why? So he can grow up
to be a Packers fan

and a drunk like
your Uncle Howard?

He saw things in Korea
he couldn't forget.

Now get him the ball he wants.

(CRYING)

Look. Look, here you...
Yes. Okay?

Okay.
Aw, that's a good boy.

Oh, Jim.
What?

That doesn't make him a
Packers fan. It's just a ball to him.

And you can't take it away
from him, he's attached to it now.

It's his transitional object, like
Ruby with that stuffed monkey.

Mr. Pickles?
Yes.

We had to save a place
at dinner for that thing.

Yes.

And I'm not eating with that.

And I'm not not eating.

Jim, all I'm saying is that
eventually he'll give it up.

Eventually?
The game is tonight!

And he's not bringing
that ball to the game!

Maybe he will
and maybe he won't,

but I'm not taking it
away from him.

Look, Jim,
no matter what you do,

Kyle's going to grow up
to be his own person.

I'm sorry, sweetie,

but chances are he's not
going to be a carbon copy of you.

(SIGHS) Oh...

I mean, you know, he
might not even like sports.

Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Hey, check it out.

I made football-shaped pancakes
in honor of tonight's game.

Can you imagine if real
footballs were made of pancakes?

Or if goalposts
were made of bacon?

Or if I had a girlfriend?

Cheryl. Cheryl.
CHERYL: What?

You take that back. You
take that back right now!

Take it back!
What?

You said our son
might not like sports.

(BOTH GASP)

Yeah, I said it.

And you'd be okay with that?

Well, if that's what he wants.

(BOTH GASP)

I don't care if he's a
Packers fan or a Bears fan,

or a Democrat or a Republican,

or meat-eater or vegetarian.

All right, that's it.

Right after breakfast, I'm
storming out of this house.

Cheryl, I don't understand. I
thought you were a Bears fan.

No, no, honey.
You're a Bears fan.

And I married you,
so I support you.

What does that mean?

If you were with a Packers
fan, you'd be a Packers fan?

If I loved him,
and he didn't annoy me

every day of my life.

Well, thank God you were
never with a Packers fan.

Right?

(MOUTHING) Stop.

Woman! The truth!

Have you ever been
with a Packers fan?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

I'm in a mixed marriage.

It was just a couple
of dates in college.

Oh, please, honey, tell me it
was a girl. That I could deal with.

It was just some guy who
happened to be a Packers fan.

Did the two of you ever,
you know,

go to a game together?

No.

Oh, Jim, she's lying.
JIM: What?

She went to a game,
and she loved it.

She came home and she said

she never screamed so
loud in her life. (GASPS)

That's what you said
after our first game.

Well, you made me feel like
I'd never been to a game before.

Are we still talking
about sports?

'Cause if not, I haven't
been to a game in six months.

Jim, just 'cause
I dated a Packers fan,

it doesn't make me a bad person.

No, it makes you a
bad American, Cheryl.

You hate America?

Hate apple pie?

She sure cooks it like she does.

And you know what else? It makes
you a bad influence on our boy.

Whoa! Wait a minute.
Now I'm a bad mother?

Why aren't you dropping
your forks now?

Cheryl, I didn't say
you were a bad mother.

You're a great mother.
For the girls.

But boys need to be raised by
men, the way nature intended it.

You know what?
You make a good point.

That's a good point. Why don't
you take Kyle and make him a man,

and I'll go get my hair and nails done,
you know, the way nature intended.

Oh, I'll make him a man,
all right. Right, Andy?

Yes, siree, diddly-deedly.

And I'm gonna do a
little work on you, too.

All right, listen up, guys.

Today we are building
ourselves a brand-new sports fan!

What kind of sports fan, Jim?

Why, the best kind, Andy.
A Chicago Bears fan!

ALL: Bears! Bears! Bears!

(WHISPERING) Bears! Bears!
Bears! Don't scare the kid!

Bears, Bears, Bears.

Our mission today is to get
him to reject this ball of evil

and accept this ball

of purity, good and light!

(IMITATES TRUMPET)

And in order to do that,

we're going to teach
this young man, my son,

about the greatest year
in Bears history!

ALL: (CHANTING) '85, '85!

(SHUSHING)

ALL: (SOFTLY) '85! '85! '85!

Look, Jim, he likes it.
He's smiling.

Yeah! Quick, quick, quick!
Get the flash cards!

You're doing good, boy.
You're doing good.

Mike Ditka, leader of men.

No heart attack's gonna
stop him from smoking.

ALL: Nah!

Jim McMahon, the quarterback.

He once mooned a news crew.

Whoa, he's cool.

(GASPING) Look, look at
that, samurai Mike Singletary.

Look at them crazy
eyes! Ooh! Ooh!

Jim, he's loving this.

Yes, yes, quick,
the Super Bowl Shuffle.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

(ALL CHANTING)

Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy!

Okay, Super Bowl XX.
It's 37-3.

Who does Ditka bring in?

"Refrigerator" Perry.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hut, hut, hut, hike!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Yeah!

Yeah!

That's it. Spike the
ball. Spike the ball.

Spike the ball
like Uncle Andy did.

Spike it.
Spike the ball.

Take the little ball
and go spike!

ALL: Yeah!

You are my boy!

Well, boys, it looks like we
have a brand-new Bears fan.

All right, lunch is over.
Get out of here.

Hey, Kenny, get rid of this.

10-4, boss.

You see, Andy, that's
how you raise a boy.

You don't hand him the
enemy flag when he's crying.

No, you get a bunch of
construction workers to dance for him.

That's right. That's
right. Amen, brother.

All right, my little son,
my little Bears fan.

Here is your first Bears ball.

KYLE: Green ball!

ANDY: Try it again.

This is your first
Bears ball. Here you go.

(CHUCKLING)

KYLE: No! Green ball.
Green ball.

(SQUEALING) Green ball!
No, no, no, no green ball.

Come here, honey.
You're a Bears fan now.

No more green ball. Blue
ball. Blue ball. (WAILING)

Yeah, you're a Bears fan.
There you go.

I can't stand this crying.

Listen, just ignore it.
He'll get over it. It'll pass.

(KYLE BAWLING)

We got to get that ball back.

BOTH: Kenny!

Sent that ball straight to hell!

Whoo!

What's he crying about?

Hey, kid, come here.
Come here, come here.

I'll tell you what.
Here's three bucks.

You buy that
Packers ball for me,

and you can keep the change.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Yes, I need something.

I need, uh, a couple
things, actually. Uh...

I need some golf tees.

And ankle weights, of course.

Some squash balls.
I'm running low.

And then I'll have a little,
uh... (MUMBLES) Packers ball.

Excuse me. What?

(MUMBLING)

No. No. No, no.
Over there.

No. No. No. No, no!

Packers ball!

Did you just say you
wanted a Packers ball?

Me? No, I didn't say
anything like that.

I mean, I'm buying one...
I mean, to torch it.

Do you take checks?

Hey, this guy over here
is buying a Packers ball.

What are you,
some kind of cheesehead?

(LAUGHING) No, no, no,
no, no, not me. Actually...

Actually, it's for my son.

You know, he's two years
old. What are you gonna do?

You let your kid play
with a Packers ball?

Well, he doesn't play with it.

He just sleeps with it.

Like a doll?

What the hell kind
of boy you raising?

Hopefully a happy one.

You got a problem with that?

(WHIMPERING)

It's okay. It's okay.

(BAWLING)

(MOUTHING)

Okay, okay. Green ball,
green ball, green ball.

(BOTH SIGH)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to you?

Ah, I got in a fight in there.

Some guy pushed me,
I pushed him, and I...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell
that to the dump truck.

Get that thing out of here.

There's no trash cans here.

Find a mailbox!

Get it out of here!

Ah!

(MUTTERING)

This is just the beginning,
isn't it?

The beginning of all the things that
make you happy and drive me nuts.

Hmm?

Thanks for sticking up
for me in there.

I'm your dad.
It's my job.

Now matter how dumb
your decisions are.

Sorry.

Yeah.

It's all right.

You didn't mean it.

Not this time.

But it's coming, right?

Oh, yeah. Big time.

So no matter what I do,

you're gonna be who
you're gonna be, huh?

Yep.

There's nothing
I can do about it?

Nope.

I could ground you.

I could get a nose ring.

Okay. Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.

(SIGHS)

As much as it's going
to piss me off,

I'll

deal with it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

But it'll make it a lot
easier if you're a sports fan.

Green ball. Green
ball. (CHUCKLES)

Don't rub it in.

Hey, Jim.
What? What? What?

Jim?
What?

Hey, how do you think
they get the grass so green?

(ALL CHEERING)

You know, you really
should ask them,

'cause our lawn looks like crap.

Cheryl, watch the game.

You're here to learn
about men and football,

and to change the kid's diapers.

And to be designated driver.

Mmm-hmm. Speaking of,
three more beers, sweetheart.

Hey, beer guy! Three
more big boys right here!

Well done, Cheryl.

I mean, it's the peanut guy,

but very good technique.

You may help me raise our son.

(LAUGHS)

Aw, look at him. He's so
happy with his little Packers ball.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, as long as he's happy.

See, Cheryl, sometimes
you do get through to me.