According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 19 - When You Wish to Be a Star: Part 2 - full transcript

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JIM: Previously on
According to Jim...

So you guys want
to be in a commercial?

Yeah!
Please?

Oh, come on, Cheryl, this
is an opportunity of a lifetime.

Jim, there's nothing I'd love
more than going on a cruise...

Well, then let's do it.

I'm not an actor.

Don't worry.

I have enough talent
for the both of us.

KITSON:
No, no, no, no, no.

We need to get Cheryl
a better husband.



He's got to go.

Ted, this is my husband Jim,

and, Jim, this is Ted.
He plays my husband.

Oh. Some guys get pretty uptight

standing around watching
their wife kiss a good-look...

Wait a minute.
They're gonna kiss?

Hey, handsome.

Hey.

Well, Cheryl, I've done it.

What?

I've officially spit in
all five of the Great Lakes

and two oceans.

Oh, yeah.

Make a great story
at the dinner table.



You know, really, don't
tell that story at dinner.

Okay.

You drop the kids off
at the Oceaneers Club?

Yeah, they didn't
even say goodbye.

Hang up a sign that says
"No parents allowed,"

and suddenly day camp
becomes Vegas for kids.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, I missed you.

Oh, yeah?
I did.

Look at that.

Two kisses in one day.

Boy, you sure are giving
them out freely, aren't you?

Oh, okay.

Ted, me. You know,
I can get Goofy down here

if you're really
feeling generous.

I knew it.

You're upset about
me kissing Ted.

I told you, I'm fine with it.

I'm fine. I'm as
fine as a fine wine,

which, by the way,
tonight, easy on the wine.

Oh, come on.
I'm telling you.

Oh, I'm sorry to
interrupt, Yeah.

But we saw you shooting
the commercial today,

and you and your husband
make a great couple.

Well, thank you,

but, actually, that
wasn't my husband.

This is my husband.

Right here.
Oh. (LAUGHING)

And she's funny, too.

Good night.
Good night.

Still fine.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Oh, hey!

Cheryl, what is Ted doing here?

I don't know, but be nice.

I am nice.

Okay, maybe I didn't
make myself clear.

Don't be
an ass. Hi!

Hello, everybody.

Look at you.
Lovely.

Well, hi.

Hi.

Ted's here.

Huh?

(LAUGHING)

Isn't that great?

That's great, Dana,
isn't it? Yeah, it's great.

So, Jim, did you get a chance

to take in the sights
while I was working

with our wife?
(CHUCKLES)

Yes, I did, actually.

I went to the southernmost
point of the United States,

and I mooned Castro.

Well, I guess the
ball's in his court now.

(LAUGHING)

Wow. No chair for
the Andyman, huh?

ALL: Oh! No, no, no, no,
no. We can work this out.

Oh!
Ah!

Andy, be careful.

Cozy.

So, Ted, how did you
get into the acting game?

Well, I was a camp counselor
for special-needs kids,

and we did A
Midsummer Night's Dream.

I caught the bug.

Ah, that must have
been so rewarding.

I went to camp.

Yeah, and there was this
big swimming hole, right?

And I would do cannonballs

that would bring birds
out of the sky.

Well, we didn't
have a swimming hole.

Most of the kids were
confined to wheelchairs.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, boy, you missed out.

Hi. What will we be
drinking this evening?

JIM: Hmm...
Oh, Jim,

how about a nice bottle
of chardonnay, huh?

I'll take a look
at the wine list.

I once played
a snotty wine steward

in an Olsen twins movie.

I saw that.
You were snotty.

Thank you very much.

Do you mind?

Andy, good work out there today.

Hmm.

You'll find that I'm good
at a lot of things.

What do you say, later

we go test the stabilizers
out on this ship?

Andy, I'm gay.

Oh.

I didn't know.

It just happened.

Dana... What's
with this Ted guy?

Huh?

You've been working all
day, I haven't seen Cheryl,

and now I got to
share her with Ted?

I'm sorry.
My boss insisted.

I couldn't do anything about it.

Look, why don't you come
by the set tomorrow, hang out?

You got a part for me?

(SCOFFS) No.

Just this bartender
thing that...

I can play a bartender.

I can play a bartender.
No.

Come on, Dana.

If it wasn't for me, Cheryl
wouldn't be here right now.

You owe me.

Let me play the bartender.
Let me play the bartender.

Let me play the bartender.
All right!

I'll see what I can do, but
you better not embarrass me.

That really hurts my feelings.

Since when do I
embarrass people?

I haven't embarrassed anybody.

Hey, bread guy, bread guy.

Yeah, yeah, just throw
me a roll, would you?

Ow!

Hey, Cheryl.
How's it going?

Hey. Oh, fine.

I'm just having a little
trouble waking up.

It's taken care of.
Boy! Oh, boy!

Thank you, Dana.

As I was getting the director
new underwear, I thought,

"How could this job possibly
get more demeaning?"

Get Cheryl a coffee
with skim milk.

No, no, he doesn't have to...

Actually, I'll have one, too.

Dana, no...
Oh, and some croissants.

Ooh, ooh, chocolate for me.

Me, too.
Me, too.

Yeah, will you warm them up?

I like this.

It's like having our
own little helper monkey.

Yeah, he's my bitch.
Oh.

Hello, my fellow thespians.

I said that without giggling.

You're the bartender?

No. I'm Esteban.

From Albania.

Oh.

Is that a mustache?

You like it?

I did it myself.
I don't know why.

I just thought Esteban
would have one. Look.

Okay. Bartender
pours two drinks,

happy couple
smiles and toasts. Okay?

Is that a mustache?

Yes. I made it myself.

I thought Esteban
would have one.

Good.

I play harmonica.

Uh, is there any way we
can work that in? Harmonica?

And action.

(BOTTLE SHATTERS)

(PLAYING BLUES RIFF)

Cut!

DIRECTOR:
And action.

Cut.

DIRECTOR:
And action.

Cut.

What was that?

Well, I thought Esteban
would do something like that.

I like what you're doing...

Thank you.

But can you bring
it down a little?

Sure, sure.
How much?

To just handing them the drinks.

I'm sorry.

I thought you
wanted it to be good.

All right.
And action!

(PLAYING BLUES RIFF)

Cut!

(INAUDIBLE)

Jim.
What?

What is going on with you?

Ah, this scene
needs a little juice,

and I'm freshly squeezed.

What does that even mean?

It's showbiz talk, Cheryl.

Ted, tell her.

That's a new one to me, Esteban.

Jim, Jim, can I talk
to you for a sec?

I'm working here.

No, no, there's a problem
with your wardrobe.

Really?
What's the matter?

You're in it, and
they want it back.

You're firing me?
Good guess.

Dana. Dana.
Where's Dana? Dana!

No, no, no, no.
No, no. No.

Dana wanted me to handle it.

Besides, she already
got to fire you.

I wanted my shot, so let's go.

Go where? I'm not going
anywhere with you. No.

Make me.

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm going.

BOTH: Daddy!

Oh, there's my little doves.

How are you?
What did you do today?

We got to talk to the captain,

and TV Dad showed us
a magic trick.

Who?
Ted. I like him.

You mean you love him.

He's your boyfriend.

Stop it! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Listen.
Now, your real Dad,

who gave you life
and quite a few toys,

missed you very much...
BOTH: Ice cream!

Hey!

Well, hello, movie star.

Hello.

Like to have a drink
with your husband?

You know, I would. Have
you seen him, Esteban?

Hey, hey, look who we have here.

Hey! It's my wife
and her husband.

(CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY)

(LAUGHING) That's
a good one, Ted.

You're everything.
You're, like, an actor,

comedian, magician.

You're a jackass
of all trades, huh?

Hola, amigos!

Tomorrow we are at the port
of Cozumel, Mexico,

so let's get ready

for the Mexicali-
fragilisticexpialidocious party!

Okay, kids, I need you to
bring your dads up on stage.

Hey, Gracie. Do you
want to go up with me?

You want me to...
Okay. Come on.

TED: Okay, you
ready for this? Okay.

Okay, now this is
just for the dads.

We're gonna play
the Mexican hat game.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay, now what
I'd like is for you

to form a circle for me, please.

Okay, and here's
how it's gonna work.

When I say "one," take the
hat from your right and put it on.

When I say "two," take the
hat to your left and put it on.

And when the music stops,

if you don't have a hat,
you're out. Vamonos.

(MEXICAN HAT DANCE PLAYING)

HOST: Okay, here we go.

Two to the left.

Two to the left.

Two to the left.

One to the right.

And stop!
Who doesn't have a hat?

(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

Oh!
Are you okay?

I think it's broken!

I got the hat, Cheryl!

Cheryl, I got the hat!

Okay, come on, circle up, circle
up, circle up! (TED GROANING)

Hey, girls, it says here they're
making Flubber in the Oceaneers Club.

Nah, we like the ladder.

Hey, Goofy's doing
calisthenics poolside.

Nope. Ladder.

Maybe I should build you
a ladder when we get home.

Uh-uh.
We like this one.

Hey.
Hey.

Listen, girls, Daddy
and I need to talk.

Would you mind
closing the curtain?

There's a curtain?

BOTH: Yay!

Cheryl, if you're
gonna seduce me,

the girls are right there.

But we'll keep it really quiet.

What is with you?

What?
What?

You said you were
okay with this Ted thing,

and next thing I know,
you're punching him out!

I didn't punch him out!
He ran into my elbow!

For God's sake!

What? GRACIE:
Are you guys fighting?

No, honey.

Now you're confusing me,

'cause I thought
we were fighting!

Jim, I'm gonna kill you! What?

And then I'm gonna get off
this ship, go to Haiti,

learn voodoo, raise you from
the dead, and kill you again!

What, did I call room
service and order a reaming?

GRACIE: Are you fighting
with Aunt Dana now?

No!

RUBY:
Mommy, you're yelling!

Stay out of it, Gracie!

I'm Ruby! Oh,
everybody stay out of it!

All right, all right!

(SIGHS)

How's Ted?

"How's Ted? How's Ted?
How's poor Ted?"

What about me?
Jim!

How's poor Ted?

Well, thank God
his nose is not broken,

and I think we can cover up
the bruise with makeup,

but my boss is not happy.

Yeah, well, to be fair,

I don't think she was a
happy person to begin with.

Come on, girls.

We need you on camera
in a half an hour. Okay.

And, Jim, I may
not make it to Haiti,

but I have the rest of my life

to make you pay for this week,

and I'm gonna start by
giving you this dirty look.

That's right.
Get used to it.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, I'm scared!

I'm really scared!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, I'm scared!

Wait! What are
you doing?

You heard her. I have to
be on camera in half an hour.

You're gonna actually do this?

You're gonna actually
kiss this creep?

Yes, Jim, I am.
Because I have to.

No, you...

Because we're here on this
free cruise that you talked me into!

And then they fired you
and I wanted to leave,

but you said, "No,
no, stay!" so I did.

And then they brought in
this husband.

I thought, you know what?
That's gonna be kind of weird.

But you said, "No, no,
honey, I'm fine with it. Stay."

So I did.

Jim, I have done everything
you've asked me to do,

(YELLING)
and now you're mad at me!

Yes, I am.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I just don't want my
wife kissing some other guy,

especially when there's
an exchange of monies.

(SCOFFS)

You are being
completely unreasonable.

Yes!

That's me.

I don't know why
you're so surprised.

You know who you married.

Yeah, and so do you.

What do you mean...
Hey, Cheryl,

ready for some make-out?

I mean, makeup?
Sorry, Jim.

Cheryl...

Honey, this is just killing me.

Jim, just maybe, this one time,

it's not about you.

It's not...

About...

Me?

KITSON: (ON RADIO) Andy,
one of the extra kids threw up.

Can you get up here with a mop?

Well, it sure as hell
isn't about me!

DIRECTOR: Okay, now,
we're looking at each other.

This is the big moment.

We've had
the best vacation ever.

We're holding hands.
We're in love.

Remember, we're on
Disney's magical island...

Cheryl!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where
do you think you're going?

I gotta talk to Cheryl for a
minute, Andy. Let me go.

No. Sorry, Jim.
No can do.

Fine.

But if you're gonna make
me sit out here in the sun,

at least give me some sunscreen.

Here.
And then go.

All right, all right, fine.

(EXCLAIMING)

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Cheryl! Cheryl!

Cheryl, I do know who I married.

I want you to kiss him
if you have to. I...

DIRECTOR: Cut!

I don't believe this.

Jim, all next week,
I'm coming to your work,

and I'm ruining things!

What are you doing here?
Where is Cheryl?

She didn't want to do
the kiss scene.

Really?

She played the sister
card. What could I do?

I was a good guy,
and I got my own way.

Yes!

Where is she? Where
is my lovely wife?

Probably looking for you.

Oh, so she didn't want
to do the kiss, huh?

Uh-huh! Take that, pretty boy!

Jim, could you just leave?

Yeah. Um...

Do I still have to... No,
the cruise is still free.

Yes! This really
is a magical island.

Okay, and action.

And we're leaning in
for the kiss.

And romance, romance, romance.

And...

Cut!

That's a wrap!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Okay, was it me,
or was that kiss...

Special?

Dana, I'm a professional.

When I'm on the job,
my main focus is...

Drinks later?
Oh, God, yes.

Nice job.
Drinks later?

Oh, God, yes!

Hey, great work today.

Thank you.

So, uh, drinks later?

Oh, God, yes!

Hey, Sis. Thanks
for the free trip.

Hey, thanks for
taking my crap all week.

No, no problem.

By the way, I've been spitting
in your coffee the entire cruise.

Please.
I knew you'd do that,

so I've been switching it
with your coffee.

Damn it!

I drank my own spit.

(SCREAMING)
I drank my own spit!

Hey.
Hey.

Pretty.
Yeah.

You know, I went to the shoot,

trying to find you
and tell you that, uh,

that it's okay
that you kiss Ted.

And I really meant it this time.

I wasn't gonna lie or anything.

But, uh, you weren't there.

You didn't do it.

Why?
No.

Call me old-fashioned. I only want
to kiss my unreasonable husband.

Okay.

New rule.
Only one husband.

Yeah, fine, but you know,
Jim, you didn't have to hit Ted.

Oh, it was an accident, honey.

I'm very competitive. I wanted
that hat. I didn't want to get

kicked out in front of the
kids. Okay, you know what?

It's our last night on the ship.

Do we really want
to get into this now?

All right, you're right. Let's save it
for the plane. I didn't bring a book.

Oh, honey.

You know, I do know
who I married.

Yeah?

And I love you.

Me, too.

And... Kiss.

Look, it's the first star.
Make a wish.

Where? I don't see it.

Would you just go with me
on this and make a wish?

(LAUGHING)

What did you wish for?

I wished that we would
be together forever,

and we would always
be this happy.

How about you?

Oh, come on, Cheryl. You
know what I always wish for.

(CHUCKLES)