According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 18 - When You Wish to Be a Star: Part 1 - full transcript

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Okay, girls.

Thanks, Daddy.

Oh, yeah, sledding
was fun, wasn't it?

Come on.

It was funny when you
slid into the fence.

Yeah, well...

Braking is for sissies.

All right, take off
your snow clothes.

Come here, Kyle. Let me
take off your coat here.

Okay, girls, back to the park.

And as always,
not a word to your mother.



(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

Hold on.

I got it.

There. Got it.

Thanks, Daddy!
Awesome!

Yeah. That's why God
gave Dad the big hands.

Apparently he gave them
to you, too.

Hey, check it out!
I got a watch!

(DOOR OPENING)

Hey.

Hey, Dana, what's going on?

Oh, nothing. I was just down
at the unemployment office.

I like to get there early
to beat the losers.



You know, Dana, people
who live in cardboard boxes

shouldn't be throwing stones.

(LAUGHING)

That's good.

No, go ahead,
get it out of your system,

because that's over now.

"Why is it over, Dana?"

Oh, well, I'm glad
you asked, no one.

While I was in line,
I got a call on my cell phone,

and I got a job!

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, my God!
Whoa!

Oh, our long national
nightmare is over.

Congratulations, Dana.
Okay, let's settle up.

Cheryl, if you would.

(GROANS)
What?

Well, while you were unemployed,

you were partaking
of our goods and services,

so now that you have a job,

I expect a reimbursement.

Ah, my ledger.

So, tell us about the job.

Well, you remember that
interview I had a month ago?

It totally paid off.

You are looking at
the new creative director

at Morris and Platt Advertising.

Oh, that is so great.

Wow. Is the money good?

Well, I don't want
to put a number on it,

but let's just say
it's more than you make.

How much more?

Well, not to put
a number on it, but a lot.

Well, I think it's fantastic.

Thank you.

Yes, Dana, we are
very proud of you.

Now, would you like
to check over the bill

before I put it
on your credit card?

A dollar for tap water?

Well, Cheryl
had to wash the glass.

And it's not like you were
drinking it in the dark.

Okay, let's keep the energy up.

Remember, you're on
the Disney cruise ship

departing for tropical paradise.

Kitson, I just want to thank
you again for this opportunity.

Yeah, Dana, you thanked
me with the flowers,

the basket of muffins,
and the Bulls tickets.

If you thank me anymore,
I'm going to have to fire you.

Okay, so, what do you
think of the mom?

Mm, yeah.
You know, she's okay,

just not what I had in mind

for the Disney
cruise line account.

Okay. So, um,
could you give me an idea

of who you had in mind?

Well, it's hard
to put into words,

but, uh, she's kind of a cross
between Wonder Woman

and Kelly McGillis in Witness.

Yeah, sure, I can find that.

Dana. Dana.

Hey! Will you excuse me
for a minute?

Oh, sure.
Thanks.

Wow! Would you look
at this place?

(GASPS)

It's so big.

You need 70 hundred pancakes

to touch the ceiling.

Jim's teaching them
measurements.

Mmm.

So, are you ready
to go to lunch?

Ugh, I can't.

Vice President Whack Job
over here just sent me

on a quest to find
some Amish superhero.

What?

Dana, who is this?

Oh, um, Kitson,
this is my sister Cheryl

and her kids Ruby and Gracie.

This is my boss.
Oh.

Hi, Whack Job.

Oh, isn't...
Isn't that cute?

She says that to everybody.

Okay, we're gonna get going.

Going? Oh, no,
no, no, no, no.

You can't go anywhere.

No, you are perfect.

Why does everybody
always say that?

I mean for
the Disney cruise spot.

You are exactly
what I've been looking for.

You... Pop!

Really?

Absolutely.
I mean, look at them.

They're popping
all over the place.

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!

Darn right, pop.

So, you guys want
to be in a commercial?

Yeah!
Please, Mom!

No, no, no, no.
No, no.

Keep in mind
that my new boss here

would love it

on this, my first day
of my new job.

You know, I don't know.

You know, we're not actors.

I was Dolley Madison in
the Presidents' Day pageant.

Yes, you were, and
what a night that was.

See? This just
feels right to me.

What is the dad like?

He's handsome and funny
and has big, big muscles.

Where's my dollar?

No, honey. Only Daddy
pays for his compliments.

Well, he sounds fantastic.

Oh, Dana, make it happen.

Well, thank you, Cheryl.

You totally saved me.

Dana, I'm not going to do it.

But Kitson really wants it.

I need your help.
You're my sister.

No, no. You're not gonna
play the sister card.

No. Goodbye.

Come on, girls.

This isn't over.

I swear I will crush you!

You know, you
were so much sweeter

when you were unemployed.

Well, hello, my
young, beautiful wife.

Hello!

And the heir to my empire.

Andy,

don't you think Cheryl
looks especially great today?

Oh, she sure does.

What's the word I'm looking for?

Luminous.

No, no, no.
A real word.

Oh...

I don't know, Jim.
What, what?

She just has, um, the magic.

Uh, would you say
that she... Pops?

(GASPS)

By Jove, that's it!

She pops!

You've done it again, old chum!

♪ My lady pops, she pops,
she pops, she pops

♪ My lady pops,
my lady pops... ♪

Will you shut up?

Dana put you
up to this, didn't she?

Yeah, she did,
but now she realizes

she should have used chimps!

Look, Cheryl, I'm sorry
about this afternoon.

You know, we both flew
off the handle a little bit.

Hmm. I didn't
fly off the handle.

Apology accepted.

Cheryl, Cheryl,
come on, look at this.

If we do this, we get a
free cruise in the Caribbean.

I mean, how great can that be?

Yeah, it won't
even be like work.

No, no.
They'll just film you

running around,
having a good time.

Correction.
A free good time,

which is better
than a good time.

Yeah! And I
already talked to Mom,

and since Kyle isn't in the ad,

she said that you could
leave him with her for a week.

Yeah, yeah, and if he sees the
pictures in the family photo album,

when he grows up,

we'll just tell him
he wasn't born yet.

I... I just... I don't think
it's a good idea.

(SIGHS)

Okay, okay, let me have a
moment alone with my wife.

Hey, hey, while
you're talking to her,

see if you can get her
to go on the cruise.

Get out of here!

God knows that
I don't ask for much.

Oh, I love how this is starting.

Oh, come on, Cheryl, this
is an opportunity of a lifetime.

Jim, there's nothing I'd love
more than going on a cruise...

Well, then let's do it!

Honey...

I'm not an actor.
What if I screw up?

Then Dana will look bad.
I mean, I'll look bad.

Okay. I know
what this is about.

All right, don't worry.

I have enough talent
for the both of us.

Come on, you've seen
the family movies.

The camera loves me.

It's my big head.

Come on, the kids will love it,

we'll get out of the cold,

and your number one kid
will love it, too...

Me!

(GROANS)

Come on, baby, let's go...

All right, all right, we'll go.

Oh, my God, you're so easy!

Ah!

(LAUGHING)

Okay, guys, she said yes!

We're going on a cruise.

ALL:
We're going on a cruise!

We're going on a cruise!

We're going on a cruise!

Oh, oh, wait a second!

I heard a floorboard snap.

We're going on a cruise!

We're going on a cruise!

WOMAN: Welcome aboard
the Disney Magic.

Kirk, Christa, Cindy and Gary,

from Albion, Pennsylvania,
welcome aboard.

(APPLAUSE)

Welcome aboard the Disney Magic.

Jim, Cheryl, Ruby and Gracie,

from Chicago, Illinois,
welcome aboard.

Oh, did you have to wear that?

Well, it is
an official position,

and we are sailing into
international waters.

Oh, honey.
Look, girls! Look!

Hey, look, Mickey and Minnie.

Hi, Minnie! Hi, Mickey!

CHERYL: Hello! Hi!

Hey, Cheryl, look
at this! Look at this!

Hey! Hey!

I'm king of the world!

Wow. It's quite a promotion
from bikini inspector.

Hey, Mickey, Minnie,
I'm king of the world!

Excuse me, sir.
I'm king!

Sir, you need to come down.

Sir, you might be king,
but it says, "Do not climb."

All right, all right, all right!

Have a magical day, sir.

Hey, how come they didn't
say my name when I came on?

Andy, this is work for you.

I spent all this money
on vacation clothes.

Vacation from what,
liking girls?

Listen, you're here
as my assistant.

On this cruise,
your name is "Hey, you,"

and my name
is "Yes, ma'am."

Whoa. You think I'm just
gonna take your crap all week?

Well, it's either that,

or you get on the next
plane back to Chicago

on your dime.

They're having a cold
snap right now, you know?

Oh. I hate you.

I hate you what?

Ma'am.

Okay, guys.
Hey!

First scene's not up
for a couple hours,

but remember,
when you're on camera,

there's no spitting,
picking boogers,

or adjusting your underwear.

And, kids, same goes for you.

Well, Dana, you don't
have to worry about me.

I didn't pack any
underwear for this cruise.

I'm on vacation.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

KITSON: Well, you've really
pulled this project together, Dana.

Good work.

Oh, well, listen,
I couldn't have done it

without your guidance.

I mean, you're the rock.
You're the foundation.

I mean, you're the one who's...

Dana, we're on this boat
for a week.

Dial it back.

Dialing.

Uh, who's that next to Cheryl?

Oh, that's Jim.
He's her husband.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

Oh, no. No.
No, no, no, no, no.

We need to get Cheryl
a better husband.

I've been telling
her that for years.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God.
You're serious?

Well, I know what I like, Dana,

and Jim is not it.

He's got to go.

Listen, you hired me
to oversee this project,

and that's
what I'm trying to do.

You're going to have to trust
me that Jim's going to work.

Okay, he's gone.

Girls, they have three
pools, a water slide...

Look, you can get your
picture taken with Mickey!

And there's a TV in our room!

And a ladder!

BOTH: Yay!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Cheryl, vacuum toilets.

Every day,
we get one step closer

to robot butlers.

Look, Daddy, a ladder!

Oh, yeah? Well, if
you think that's cool,

you should go out on the veranda

and look at the chairs!

BOTH: Chairs!

Honey...

Thank you for talking
me into this trip.

Oh, baby, you're
welcome. Thank you.

Hey, I want you to know that
you were really good today.

Oh.

No, in front of the camera,
you were really good,

like Queen Latifah good.

Really!
Oh, wow!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ooh, someone at the door.
Could it be Minnie?

Could it be Mickey?

It's Goofy.

Hey.

Hey, hey, how'd it go today?

Did we still pop?

Um, yeah, pretty much.

There's just one problem.

God, it was me, wasn't it?
I was stiff.

I really felt stiff.

No, you were fine.

Gracie! What a ham.

I'll work with her.

Not her.

Ruby?

Actually, Jim, it was you.

What do you mean?
I'm way better than Ruby!

I'm sorry. You're fired.

Fired?

Oh, my God!

I've never been fired
in my life,

and I've done a lot
of things really bad!

I'm... I'm sorry.

It's...
My boss doesn't think

you go with
the rest of the family.

Go?

Well, well, you know,

you can tell your boss
we may not go together,

but we can damn sure
leave together!

Attagirl!

No, no, you can't do that!

Oh, yeah? Watch me!
If Jim's fired, I'm fired!

That's my woman!

Well, then you can kiss
your free cruise goodbye!

Well, then we'll pay
for the cruise, right, Jim?

Whoa, hold on.

Let me do the math.

She'll do it.

Wait. Wait.

Honey, she said
we don't go together.

Ah, come on, name someone
who says we do.

Come on, honey.
The kids are having fun,

we're having fun.

What, do you want to flush a
free vacation down the toilet

along with your lipstick?

You flushed my lipstick?

Well, it fell in.

Trust me, you didn't
want it back.

(GROANS)

Come on, Cheryl, please?

I'm begging you as your sister.

I need your help.

You can't play
the sister card again.

Fine, then I'll play the
you-stole-my-boyfriend-in-10th-grade-card.

You stole my boyfriend
in 10th grade!

Why can't you let it go?

Please, Cheryl.

You're the one having
the fairy tale life.

Throw Dana a bone.

Go on.

All right, we'll stay.

Oh, thank you.

You know, tomorrow we're
shooting all day in Key West.

Are you gonna be okay?

I'm gonna be fine.

It'll be like opposite week.

You'll work all week,
and I'll sit on my butt

hoping the floor
will vacuum itself.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hey!

All right, so,
in this next scene,

you and the girls
are gonna be walking

down Greene Street,
you know, laughing,

having a great time
with your husband.

Okay, let's have fun!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait! My husband?

Yeah. Um, look, I was
gonna tell you this sooner,

but I didn't
want you to freak out.

We've recast Jim's part
with an actor from LA.

What?
Yeah.

His name's Ted,

and, um, he's coming this way,

so please
don't blow this for me.

Dana, come on!

Oh, come on!
Sister card!

Crap!

Dana, hi.
Look at this.

The happy husband and wife.

Let's step back and
watch the magic happen.

Hi. I'm Ted.

I'm Cheryl.

Abracadabra!

Oh, Kitson, you are
such a genius with casting.

Dana, I haven't had my
coffee yet. (MOUTHS)

So...

Look, I know you
haven't done this before,

so you're probably
a little nervous,

especially since
we have to kiss.

Kiss?

Yeah. Um, Kitson
had this great idea.

On the last day of shooting,

we're on Disney's private
island, Castaway Cay.

You guys are
watching the sunset,

and you...
You know, kiss.

Yeah, the whole piece
builds to it,

and Kitson really wants it.

Okay, but, you know, I...

Look, I think
I understand, Donna.

Dana.

Um, listen, I know
it's weird kissing someone

you hardly know, so you just
have to think of it as a job.

Like I had to kiss a monkey

in a Japanese
luggage commercial,

and I assure you,
I felt almost nothing.

Hey, Cheryl, Cheryl,
check it out.

Hey! Yeah, I wanted
to see Key West,

so I got myself a little
hog for the day.

(HONKS HORN)

More like a little pig.

Hey.
Hello.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Ted,
this is my husband Jim,

and, Jim, this is Ted.
He plays my husband.

Oh. Really?

Well, how about that?

MAN: Actors on set.

Got to run, Jim.
It was nice meeting you.

Yeah, nice to meet me, too.

So, uh, husband, huh?

Yeah, honey, I didn't know.
I just found out myself.

Well, it's...
You know, it's cool.

Yeah, um, and, honey,
there's one more thing.

Yeah? MAN: We need the wife!

You're the wife.

Go on, you're
the wife. Go on.

Are you okay? Cool!
Everything's cool!

Cool, cool, cool, cool.
Okay. Okay, good.

I'm cool.
(SNICKERS)

Okay, people, listen up.

We're shooting
a commercial here.

You make noise,
you answer to me,

the big man.

(WHISPERS INAUDIBLY)

Okay, they're sending
the big man on a coffee run.

But I'm only making one trip,

so think about it now.

Andy, tell me, what's
with this Ted guy?

Oh, my man Teddy?

Yeah, Teddy.

(LAUGHS) He's done
some solid work.

Commercials, a few soaps.

Yeah, yeah, method trained.
He's a real pro.

You got nothing to worry about.

What would I have
to worry about, anyway?

You know, some guys
get pretty uptight

standing around
watching their wife

kiss a good-look...

Nothing.

Wait a minute.
They're gonna kiss?

Well, yeah, but...

When did this happen?

I never heard Dana say
anything about a kiss.

It's not real.

I don't care
if it's real or not.

He can't kiss my wife.

It's a stage kiss, all right?

It doesn't matter
if it's a stage kiss.

Oh, no, there was no
kissing originally in this,

and I was married to her!

Their lips don't touch.
What are you talking about?

When you kiss, you kiss.
Two lips go together.

Observe.
Observe what?

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(YELLS)

You all right?

Okay, air pipe is clear.

(FAKE LAUGHTER)

See?

See what?

Was that anything
like a real kiss?

I don't care if we're 1,000
miles away from home,

that is not okay!

My point is, is it's
completely impersonal.

She's not gonna
enjoy a minute of it.

MAN: And action!

ANDY: Wow.

They really do make
a handsome couple.

JIM: Next week,
on According to Jim...

Look at that.
Two kisses in one day.

Boy, you sure are giving
them out freely, aren't you?

Oh, okay.

So, Jim, did you get a chance
to take in the sights

while I was working

with our wife?

(CHERYL GIGGLES)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God!

I think it's broken!

Call me old-fashioned,

but I just don't want my wife
kissing some other guy!

Cheryl!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!