According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Best Man - full transcript

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DANA: That's the last time we
let the girls pick the restaurant.

I know.
The food was greasy,

the service was terrible.

Hey, if you can
find another place

where seven people
can eat for under $30,

be my guest.

All I know, the maze on
the back of the placemat

was impossible.

Show-off.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

(LAUGHS) Danny, Laraine!



Why, you scared
the hell out of us.

Good.

Yeah. Sometimes that's the
only way to teach a lesson.

This house is so
easy to break into.

You might as well put up a
sign, "Murder us in our beds."

Hi, kids.

BOTH: Hi, Uncle Danny!

Did you bring us anything?

I sure did.

Crime scene tape.

Secure your bedroom.

Danny, you spoil them. Oh.

You know, they still play
with those evidence bags.

So, people, consider
the following items.



Item number one,

you need protective vanadium
bars on all of these windows.

Item number two, you need
to replace all the batteries

in these smoke detectors.

Item three, we ate the
banana bread in the fridge.

And we're getting married.

Oh, my God, you ate
the banana bread?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Congratulations!

That's fantastic!

I can't believe it!

She's getting married before me?

Last year, we all
thought she was gay!

Of course, I'm thrilled for you.

Laraine, you tell me everything.

How did he propose?
Was it romantic?

You bet.

Well, we were at the gun range,

and Officer Michalski
emptied an entire clip

of .38 caliber
wadcutters

across the torso
of a paper target.

When I reeled it back in,

it spelled out,
"Marry me."

Oh!

I know it's kind of cliched.

(LAUGHING)

But I was in the mood
and I had my speedloader.

This is great.
We got to celebrate.

Oh, wait.
There's no banana bread.

Jim, uh...
Yes?

I will be needing a best man.

Danny, you did it for me.

I would be honored
to do it for you.

Thank you.
Andy, Andy,

go in the garage and
get the good champagne.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, cans or bottles?

Steward's choice.

None for us.
We're on duty,

but I'll get some glasses
for everybody else.

Let me show you
where the glasses are.

Danny, I'm so happy for you.

Laraine, have you
picked out a dress yet?

No.

Oh, I love shopping for dresses.

Have you gone cake-tasting?

Negative.

Oh, that is a fun day.

How about flowers?
I love flowers.

I love it all.
I love it a lot.

Don't make her beg, Laraine.

Oh!

Cheryl, will you...

Yes, yes, of course
I'll plan your wedding!

Okay, now, the first thing
we need to do is set a date.

A year is customary, but we
could probably do it in six months.

It's this Saturday at noon.

What? What?
A week?

Okay. Oh.
Oh, breathe.

Okay. Okay. Oh...

You know what?
I can do this.

I've been planning
Dana's wedding for years.

I'll just use the
stuff I saved for her.

Yeah, but that's
my wedding stuff.

You can't give her my wedding.

What are we gonna do
when I get married?

Well, we'll just jump
into our flying cars

and celebrate
The Cubs' World Series.

Danny, what's the rush?

We're cops.

We live every moment
as if it's our last,

and we make split-second
life-or-death decisions.

Plus, we got a great
deal on the cabernet room

at the Hotel Whitsett.

The Whitsett?
Man, that is expensive.

Not when you raid
an illegal cockfight

and find young Master
Whitsett going out the back door

with a dead chicken.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMS) That was
smokin', Danny. Great.

Yeah!

Not bad, boys.
Not bad.

We'll do a little better
at the wedding, right?

Yeah, well, I play
better with a hangover.

Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, listen, you're gonna
be playing like Jimi Hendrix

that night because
for the bachelor party,

I got the ultimate limo.

It's got a full bar,
a disco ball,

and a stripper pole!

Whoo!

Wait a minute.
And get this.

The limo pulls over, and the
limo driver, she's the stripper!

Oh, yeah!

That's class, baby!

That's class.

You're still never gonna top the
bachelor party Danny threw for you.

I know.
That was unbelievable.

That was it. That was
the bachelor party.

Yes, that was epic,

a high-water mark in Midwestern
adult male debauchery.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That was quite a night. I don't think
I'm really up for that again in my life.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was speaking
with my betrothed...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(IMITATES WHIP CRACKING)

No, no.
Well, now, look.

You know, I mean,
Laraine does not want me

participating in parties
of the bachelor variety.

Laraine said that?

And you're gonna stand for that?

She's gonna be my wife.

Gonna be.

On Saturday.

No, fellas.

Not this time.
I don't think so.

Danny, look, if you
lay down on this one,

Laraine is gonna win every
battle from here on out.

Listen, a bachelor party
is a man's God-given right.

Yeah! Like wearing the
same underwear all week long.

For example.
Yeah.

I'll talk to Laraine.

I'm the best man.
Come on.

Okay. Next,
the cake.

Now, this one has fondant icing,

frosted rosebuds,
and basket weave.

Very classy.

That's, uh, a
little girly, isn't it?

A bride is a girl.

I mean, I just don't get it.

How are you even
qualified to get married?

Uh...

A man asked me.

I'll be in the other room.

Laraine. Laraine.

What's this about
no bachelor party?

Well, I just feel
that it's an opportunity

for a man to get drunk
and behave badly,

and then show up at
his wedding the next day

hung over and ruin everything.

Well, that sounds just like...

Cheryl.

I didn't say
he ruined everything.

Just the reception.
(EXCLAIMS)

What are you talking about?
Our wedding was perfect.

Jim, you were so hung over, you
had to sit down during our first dance.

Oh, come on, they put me in
a chair and danced me around.

It was like a Jewish wedding.

Look, look, this is
not that big a deal.

If Danny wants
a bachelor party...

No, no, no, no.
Laraine,

a wild bachelor
party is a bad idea.

Cheryl, no, no, no, no.
You are wrong, Cheryl.

A bachelor party
is a sacred rite.

It's a milestone
in a man's life.

Come on, it's just an excuse
to get drunk and see boobs.

No man needs an
excuse to do that.

Jim, if I might...

(SPUTTERING)
No, no. No, no.

No. Yeah,
yeah, but...

(BOTH SPUTTERING)

Bop!

I'm working here,
Danny. I'm working here.

Jim, no, no, no.
Let the man speak.

Oh, fine, fine.
We'll let him speak.

Danny, speak.

Do you want to have
a bachelor party? Yes.

Laraine, did you want him
hung over at your wedding?

No. Danny, you want to have fun?

Yes!
With naked women?

You know, last night someone
took a shot at me in a crack house.

I felt more comfortable
then than I do now.

Look, men need a bachelor party.

It's the way we send
off one of our own.

It's the last opportunity for brothers to
get together and say, "I feel like a man."

Oh.

Yeah, that's what it's about.

Yes! Not alcohol or strippers?

No, absolutely not!

Oh, please!

Oh... Look, I can
throw one kick-ass party

for my best friend here
with no booze and no broads.

And it's going to be
the best party ever!

(SINGING KEVIN BERRY)

So, how's that
harvest bran muffin?

Oh. Quite tasty,
actually.

And it really
moves things along.

Can it move this party along?

(GROANS)
This really blows.

I'm sorry, Danny. I don't
know what I was thinking.

What are you talking about?

You really tried hard,
and I appreciate that.

Oh.
Thank you, partner.

This stinks. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Danny, where you going?

I'm getting married tomorrow.
I thought I'd call it a night.

The bachelor can't
call it a night.

Only the best man can.

And I'm not calling it until
we do something crazy.

Are you guys with me on that?

ALL: Yeah!

But no booze and no broads.

(ALL GROAN)

I got it!

It can't be illegal.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Danny.

(MEN SHOUTING)

Hey, check out the old dudes.

They must be on something.

Negative.
No impaired motor skills.

No dilated pupils.

No elevated breathing.

They're on a different
kind of high.

The hardest one
to get. Life.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Okay, guys, it's time
to do something crazy!

Something really crazy,

and what's crazier than...

Following a bunch of old guys

wherever the hell they're going?

All right!
(ALL CHEERING)

All right, let's go!

ALL: Polar bears! Charge!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SHIVERING)

It's 20 degrees out,
there's a bitter wind,

and we're jumping
into Lake Michigan?

How ya feelin', Danny?

I feel like a man!

(ALL CHEERING)

How ya feelin', Danny?

(SHIVERING)
I can't feel my legs.

Tell me he's gonna be all right.

Just tell me he's
gonna be all right.

Got to get his core
body temperature back up.

Do it fast.

He's got to get married
in the morning.

This was his bachelor party.

Why didn't you
just get him loaded

and take him to a strip club?

Thank you!

Oh, come on, Danny, you
got to pull through this for me.

Come on, you're getting married

in, like, 10 minutes ago.

Is that you, Grandpa?

I picked all them apples
like you wanted.

Oh.

Hey, Danny, if you
don't pull through this,

would it be cool
if I asked Laraine out?

Andy, what are you
talking about?

I'm lonely! I don't
care if you're lonely!

You don't say that to a
man in a bed like that!

All right, all right!

Uh, can I talk to you
for a second?

Doc, come on.
Talk to me straight here.

Your friend is fine.

His pulse, temperature,
everything is normal.

JIM: But he's moaning and
shivering and totally out of it.

As far as I can tell,
he's perfectly healthy.

But this guy has the
highest blood pressure

I've ever seen
in any human being.

Danny's not sick?
I don't get it.

Yeah, I do.
(MOANING)

This specific problem
is very common

with a man at this
stage in his life.

(GASPS) You think
it's his prostate?

No.

No, he's scared.
He's got cold feet.

He's totally scared
of getting married.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

CHERYL: Hello? Guys,
come on, everybody's waiting.

Ah, Danny.

Hey.
Hey!

Hi, Cheryl.
Hi, Dana.

Hi.
So...

(SIGHS)
What's up?

Nothing. We're just, you
know, waiting for the groom

and watching the bride
clean her pistol.

Oh.

Jim! Where's Danny?
The chapel's full!

Cheryl's a little on edge.

She just gave the
flower girl a time-out.

She has one job!

All right, all right, all right.

Just relax, Cheryl, all right?

You know, Danny's gonna
be out here in a few minutes.

He's just very particular
about the way he looks.

He's just trying to get
his bow tie perfect.

DANNY: Kill me!
Kill me now!

I told him to wear a
clip-on, but you know.

Oh, my God.

You did it, didn't you?

You mean fall in love
with you? Yes, I did.

Gee, Cheryl, Jim's
acting far too natural

for anything to be wrong.

You took him out
last night and got drunk.

Now he's in there sick as a dog!

There was absolutely
no alcohol or nudity.

Unless, of course, you
include 75-year-old man boobs.

What?

(GROANS)

We went swimming last night,

in Lake Michigan.
(GASPS)

It was 20 degrees last night.

Tell me about it. My boys
are still hiding behind my lungs.

Jim, what are you saying?

Is Danny too sick
to get married?

No, he's faking it.
He's got cold feet.

He's scared to death!

Oh, this is typical.

Just another dumb man
afraid to make a commitment.

You see, this is why
I'm still alone.

It's just not fair.
I'm a size two!

You know what, Dana?
Time-out. Go!

All right, Jim?
What?

I've got a church full
of people out there

waiting to watch
them get married,

and many of them are armed.

Uh-huh.

So, what do you
propose I tell them?

Well, Cheryl, why don't
you tell them the truth?

Why don't you tell them
it's your fault?

What? Yes, because
I listened to you.

Because I didn't give him
a normal bachelor party.

If he had a bachelor party,

then we could
have got him drunk,

he could have seen
a bunch of boobs,

he'd have woke up in the morning

mesmerized and hung over, weak,

and I could have got
him down the aisle!

I spent three and a half
days planning this wedding!

Okay, okay, just calm
down. I'll get him out.

I'll get him out. Keep
'em alive down there.

Keep it going.

Mommy, Gracie tore her dress.

Oh, my...

What is that on your face?

Is that wedding cake?

(SOFTLY) Uh-oh.

Is that... Oh, oh!
You wait right there!

(PORN MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

This is beautiful.

A large man in a tux
sitting on a hotel room bed

next to a sick cop,
watching porn.

Ironically, that's exactly
how this movie started.

All right, look.

Hey, listen.

The doctor said that we
have to turn Danny over

so he doesn't get bedsores.

Okay, Danny, we're
just gonna turn you over

a little bit, okay?
Here we go.

Thanks. (SCREAMS)

Get up! I'm sick!
Sick, I tell you!

You're not sick at all.

The doctor said you were fine.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Andy, you go downstairs and tell
them we'll be down in 10 minutes.

Right.

Hey, Jim, how long
do you have the room?

I sure would love
to get back up here

and finish Genital Hospital.

Go downstairs!

All right, pal, you got me.

Yeah, I got you good.

What's going on with you?

You've got a beautiful woman and an entire
SWAT team waiting down there for you.

Look, I've just been
doing some thinking,

and maybe this isn't the
right move for me now.

What?

I'm just contemplating
what I might be giving up.

Giving up? Like what?
What are you giving up?

Well, there are other
women out there, Jim.

After slinging perps
around for 20 years,

I'm in the best physical
shape of my life!

Oh, Danny!

You should see some
of the hotties I pull over!

I'm only human!

Okay, honestly, Danny, honestly,

have you ever hooked up
with any one of them?

Not one.

But I know that as soon
as I say, "I do,"

I'm gonna pull over
a busload of Playmates

in a school zone doing 55.

And where would they
be going, to boob school?

And what about
my nights on the town?

Danny, come on.
You barely drink,

cigarette smoke
makes you wheeze,

and the only time
you're up after midnight

is to take a pee!

About four times.

Maybe I'm just
scared, all right?

Well, sure, you're scared,
Danny. Sure, you are.

Come on, men are always
scared to get married.

It's not a natural thing
for men to get married.

It just isn't.

I mean, you know, it's the cave
women that came up with that.

Because they didn't know
how to start fires, you see?

That's the truth.

And then man created
the wheel to get away.

What a ridiculous theory!

Oh, you think so, huh?

Because that's
exactly what you told me

on my wedding day
to get me down the aisle.

Of course, I had half a
bottle of whiskey in me,

and it made more sense then.

Well, do you ever
regret it, getting married?

No, never.

It bugs me a lot
of the time, but never.

Danny, you know what?
I got to tell you,

I love being married to Cheryl.

I really do. I mean,
she's created a life for me

that I would have never had.

Danny, I didn't
even know it existed.

And you know what?

She lets me be me.

And no one's
ever done that for me.

And, she is hot!

That Laraine is one hell
of a public servant.

Yeah.

There you go.
You're getting there.

All right.
Yeah?

(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm ready.

Are you?

It's about time I start my
new life with the woman I love.

Thank you, buddy.
Aw, Danny.

You did it for me.

All right, let's do it!

Okay, wait a minute.

Are you sure you don't
want a little whiskey?

Let's check out
that minibar. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

I apologize for the delay
in approaching the altar.

I encountered a possible
signal 351 on the way over.

A 351 is an escaped
non-domestic animal.

Well, that would be me.

A lone wolf with cold paws.

I'm glad you made it,
Officer Michalski.

I love you,
Officer Elkin-Michalski.

Copy.

Dana, there's a woman
over there giving me the eye.

Be a good sister
and break up with me.

All right, but this time you
have to yell, "No, baby, no,

"you were the best thing
that ever happened to me."

Deal.

It's over!

Hey, baby, I was the best
thing that ever happened to you!

That's not the line!

Well, looks like
they broke up again.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

They'll get it right eventually.

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

Can we have the best man
up here on stage for the toast?

Excuse me, dear.

Yes. Hello.

Uh, you know, I could
probably dazzle you

with one of my brilliant toasts,

but I'm afraid you'll
pull your guns out

and shoot it through the ceiling

and then I won't
get my deposit back,

so, I'd like to invite
Mr. Danny Michalski up here

to sing a lovely song
for his new bride Laraine.

Andy, get up here.

Back, back, back, back, back.

Ready?
Hit it.

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, baby.