According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 14 - House for Sale - full transcript

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---
Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing?

I came to see Cheryl.

Well, you gonna come in?

Nah, I'm just not in the
mood for you this morning.

I'd rather wait
till you're gone.

Oh.

Okay.

I'm running a little late.

It's gonna be
like an hour or something.

I'm cool.
Okay.



Have a good one.

You, too.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby.

(YAWNS)
I am just exhausted.

My stupid neighbor's dog
started barking

at 7:30 this morning.

Can you imagine? 7:30.

Yeah, let's see.

By 7:30, I have
everybody up and dressed.

I've made their lunches

and cleaned somebody's vomit
off of something.

And I had to lie there
for a whole hour

before I could go back to sleep.



And that's how a male seahorse
fertilizes its eggs.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, how are you?
Good.

Hey, hey, did you see
that the Millers

across the street
are selling their house?

CHERYL: What?
The Millers?

Wait, refresh my memory.
Did they hate you?

No, but to be fair,
they never really knew me.

Oh.

I love that house.

I would kill to have
that kitchen.

Can you imagine having
granite countertops

and vaulted ceilings
with skylights?

Oh, come on. That
house isn't that great.

I mean, probably no one
ever uses

that screening room they have.

I'd never leave the house
if I had that.

Or a woman.

Do you know their master
bedroom has a fireplace,

and their bathtub is a spa?

Ah, it is perfect.

Oh, come on, perfect.

Do they have a wine cellar
like we do?

A case of beer
under the ping-pong table

is not a wine cellar.

I'm talking about the cool
room (DOORBELL RINGING)

in the corner of the basement.

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!
Anybody t'home?

Is that...

Oh, my God, I hope not.
Check, Andy, check!

(GASPS)

It's Tim and Cindy Devlin!

In the kitchen!

(GRUNTS)

I twisted my ankle.
It's too late for me.

Save yourselves!

Oh, what are they doing here?

I thought we got rid
of them for good!

Yeah, I know,
but then I ran into Cindy

at the market this morning,

and she kind of said it
would be great to get together.

And you said?

I said "No."

In my head.

(GROANS)

Although out loud I may
have said "That'd be great."

What?

You were nice to her?

Well, excuse me
for being polite.

That's how I was brought up.

Oh, give me a break. We had the
same parents, and I'm rude as hell.

Oh, come on.

You know, in the movies,

when the guy says save yourself,

there's usually a little
back-and-forth.

CINDY: They've got
to be in there.

Jim's trunk is still warm.

Hit the floor!

Oh, my God, they've passed out.

It must be a gas leak!

Play dead! Play dead!

Ah! We need
some more ventilation!

Tim, quick,
break some more windows!

Yeah. God, grant me
strength!

No!
Hey, hey!

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait!

Don't break any more windows!

What are you doing on the floor?

Found it!

Found my contact lens.

Thank you, everyone,
for helping me look.

Oh, that's great. They're
so expensive, you know.

So, Tim, Cindy,
how's everything?

Well, Tim, tell them how
the hot tub business is doing.

It's bubbling over!

Oh, boy! I think I just
peed a little.

So, Jim, how's
the construction business?

Oh, um, you know, building.

(LAUGHING)

That's good.

It's not pee good,
but it's good.

So, Andy, look at you.

Have you lost weight?
No, right?

You know the story
about the hiker

who cut off his own arm
in order to escape?

I get it now.

Okay, enough witty banter.
Let's get down to beeswax.

We have some big,
important news.

Honey, let me tell them.

No, I want to tell them.
No, me. Me.

No, me!

(STAMMERING) Why don't you two
just tell each other

in the car on the way home?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hey, pass the sunscreen,
honey. We're getting burned.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

On our way over here
to see our best friends,

we found our dream house.

We're putting an offer on
the house across the street!

BOTH: No.

Yes! Isn't that great?
We could be neighbors.

Imagine just being able
to cross the street to chat

or watch our stories,
borrow a cup of sugar.

Uh-oh. Did I just hear
someone say

they needed some sugar?

Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir.
Three bags full!

(EXCLAIMING)

Wow.

And all because Cheryl
ran into them at the market.

Isn't life funny?

I think I just peed a little.

Okay, Andy, in 90 seconds
exactly, we're going to begin

Operation Scare the
Hell Out of The Devlins

So They Don't Live
Across the Street!

Everyone, circumcise
your watches.

Synchronize.

Will you please
not get in the way

of my tactical planning?

Andy, you got a brick
to throw through the window?

I couldn't find a brick, but I
got something even better.

Good.

Oh, for the record, I still
think my plan was best.

I am not getting up
at 3:00 in the morning

to make crop circles.

All right, let's go.

Yeah, and take it up
a little higher.

Yeah.

Oh, there's those ears again.

Oh.

It's like a car coming at me
with the doors wide open.

Would the brakes
be working in that car?

Hey, we're back.

Oh. Hey, Cheryl,

I've been studying feng shui,

and you and Jim
wouldn't fight as much

if you got rid
of that big awful TV.

You want to bet?

Yeah, we're not really
feng shui people.

Oh.

"I'm a narrow-minded westerner.

"I don't believe in something

"that's been around
for thousands of years."

Yeah. "Whoops, my mind
was open a crack.

"Better shut it."

(JIM AND CINDY LAUGHING)

Speaking of crack, um...

You know,
this neighborhood's got

a little bit of a crime problem.

TIM: What?

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God, it's gang activity!

Gangs?

Look, an omelet pan.

Well, that's not just
any omelet pan.

This is the calling card
for the Maple Street gang.

That is so scary.

And it might be
someone's wedding present.

Well, I guess it's
better that you know

about this neighborhood's
ugly secret

before you put an offer on
that house across the street.

Oh, those ruffians
don't scare us.

No, the Timinator
understands the gang mentality.

He played Riff
in West Side Story.

Pow, pow!

Wow, so you still want to
put an offer in on that house?

Oh, absolutely.

As long as you two are here,

it's still
a desirable neighborhood.

What do you think
of crop circles?

They scare you at all?

Jim!
Yes?

Look what they did to me!

This is the work
of the Maple Street gang.

(GASPS)

And they spray-painted
their name

on the Devlins' van.

We don't have a van.

We do.

And I'm sure they're
very sorry about it.

(DOOR OPENING)

Feel free to look around,

but just know that I counted

every beer in that refrigerator.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Jim, what is going on?

Well, my dear,
we're having an open house.

That's what you do when you
put your house on the market.

What?

Just relax.

We're not really
selling the house.

But if we get the Devlins
to think that we're moving,

then maybe they won't buy
the house across the street.

But what if somebody
makes an offer?

Oh, it is so overpriced.
Who's gonna pay that?

Whoa!
Yeah.

Who's a sexy genius?

Russell Crowe,
but that is a good plan.

Say it ain't so, Jim.
You're moving?

Oh, I'm afraid so.

You know, I got a sudden
job opportunity

that I just couldn't pass on.

Where?
Alaska.

Right, Cheryl?

Uh, right. Yes.

Yes, we bought a, um, a cannery,

and we're turning it into a B&B.

CINDY: Oh...

But without you,
this neighborhood's

just a gang-infested hellhole.

I know.
Well, you know what?

We'll be sure to send you a
postcard from a town in Alaska.

We better go withdraw
our offer before it's too late.

I need my man-sweater first.

Hope it still fits.

It always fits.

One size fits Cindy.

Are we willing to carry back
a second mortgage?

Yeah, you know, I got to go.

She has a little bit of trouble
with compound interest.

Excuse me.

Well, uh, look,

I'm sorry about this,
but, you know,

if you're ever up
in Alaskan territory

passing through, be sure to
give us a jingle, all right?

I just can't believe we're not
going to have you in our lives.

I know.

But we can have a part of them.

Oh, my God.

I know what you're thinking.

We should buy this place!

Yes!

Yes! Every inch
of this house

will remind us of you.

It's a deal-e-o!

No, no, no, no, no, no!
You can't do that!

Why not?
It's for sale.

(STAMMERING) I know,
but nobody in their right mind

would pay this price.

We would.

Well, then certainly
no one in their right mind

would pay $10,000
more than that.

Or twenty...

Five?

Then lock us up,
'cause we're nuts!

(LAUGHING)

Deal-e-o!

(SCREAMING)

Hey, Cheryl. Hi.

Just measuring the windows.

I didn't want
to walk through the house.

You know, it's not my nature
to be intrusive, right?

By the way, remind me to give
you the number of my waxing lady.

(SCREAMS)

Cindy, I didn't expect
to see you here...

On a ladder...
Outside my bedroom.

Your bedroom?

Well, yeah, I guess it
is for a few more days.

What are you talking about?

Well, didn't Jim tell you?
He sold us your house.

What?

Oh, I ruined the surprise,
didn't I?

(GROANS)

Let's rewind 30 seconds.

(IMITATES TAPE REWINDING)

I was never here.

(SCREAMING) Jim!

CINDY:
He's in the kitchen!

Jim, what the hell did you do?

Ah, I mixed pickles
with peanut butter.

Yeah, but you know what?

If you want to have
a breakthrough,

you got to take risks.

No!

I just talked to Cindy Devlin.

She told me you
sold them our house?

Oh, darn, Cheryl, I was waiting
for it to close to surprise you.

Surprise me with jewelry,

not by selling my house!

Oh, but, Cheryl, you don't
know how much money we made.

I really soaked them.

Now we can buy
any house we want.

I don't want another house!

Well, yes, you do.
I heard you.

No, you said so.
You want another house.

When?

Well, you're always
going to open houses

and talking about
the big new kitchens

and the walk-in closets
and the skylights.

You even wanted to move
into the Millers' across the street.

Jim! You go on and on about
race cars and supermodels.

That doesn't mean
you actually want them!

Jim, I don't want another house.

I want this house, my house.

And I want a husband who
asks me before he sells my house!

Hey!

You get me my house back!

"My house, my house."

Sure. Let's see you
pay the mortgage

with the tips the kids give you

for making their lunch!

CHERYL: What?

Love you.

Andy, Andy, over here.
More over here.

Come on, come on.

Look, we need excessive
moisture penetration

so we don't pass the inspection.

Jim, why don't you
tell the Devlins

you don't want
to sell the house?

The deal's already closed,
and by state law,

the only way out of this thing

is by doing something
sneaky and underhanded.

Come on, more, more.

I don't know, Jim.

I'd like to try on
the truth sometime,

see how it fits.

Yeah?

Well, if it fits anything
like those pants do,

it's going to be
tight in the seat.

Oh, right, 'cause you're
Audrey Hepburn.

Excuse me, can I see
that for a second?

Just for a second.

Audrey Hepburn! Audrey
Hepburn! Audrey Hepburn!

Jim!

(JIM YELLING)

Oh, Andy!

Oh, help, Andy!
Give me a hand!

Oh, great, Jim!
I ripped my pants!

I don't care about your pants!

Get me off this thing!

(SCREAMING)

Well, everything
looks great so far.

Where's the basement?

Under the house.

Hey, Mr. Inspector,
someone needs to be cited

for a smile that collapsed.

Can we just wrap
this up? Yeah, okay.

Come on, Cheryl,
let's take a last look

at all the memories
you're leaving behind.

Yeah, can we not
hold hands all the time?

Oh!

Stay there.
Stay there.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!
What happened?

We can't find the valve.
It's under the water.

I'll help you, buddy!

Uh, don't worry.

(JIM EXCLAIMING)

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

Don't worry! There's a
huge crack in the foundation!

This will all drain out
in a couple days!

Whoa. Thank God.

Yeah. I got that pesky
valve closed.

Obviously, this house
is not up to code.

I'm sorry, Cheryl.

I'm sorry I couldn't
unload this money pit.

But you know what?
It wouldn't feel right

to sell this place to a friend.

Yeah. Yeah, I just hope
there's no hard feelings.

Oh, come on, guys.
This is just a setback.

It's not a deal-breaker.

We'll get this place
spiffy in a jiffy.

I kind of like having a project
I can tackle with my pants off.

My God, they're
like cockroaches.

You can't get rid of 'em.

All right. All right.
Just stop it.

Stop everything here.

Look, we don't want
to sell our home.

We love our home.
We never wanted to sell it.

The only reason
we were doing this

was because we didn't want
you anywhere near us!

You see, it doesn't have
anything to do with you.

It's us. It's us.

We don't like you!

(LAUGHING)

That was good!

Oh, boy, Al Pacino over there
really had me going for a second.

Yeah. If you're
willing to make up

a story like that, you
must really love this house.

I'm just glad we're not
losing you to Alaska.

Come on, hugs?

Uh-uh, not till you
put your pants back on.

And then, no.

Come on, Timberwolf, we have
a house to buy across the street!

Yeah! Whoo!

Well, I'd better go
get some paper towels.

Oh... God, Cheryl.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, you happy?
You got your house back.

Yes. Thank you.

I'm guessing this wasn't
the original plan.

Yeah, it was,
except for the water.

Come on. Come sit
with me on my dock.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God.

Oh... (LAUGHS)
Look at you.

Oh...

Well, look,
it's not your dream house,

but at least you got a couple
thousand dollars worth of water damage.

Yeah.

You know, Cheryl, I just wanted

to do the right thing
by you, that's all.

Honey, when have you not
done the right thing by me?

You know, eventually?

I just think you deserve better.

You do.

And, you know, I'd get
you a castle if I could.

You know that.
Hey, hey, hey!

This is my castle.

Now I even have a moat.

Yeah, but you don't have
a walk-in closet

or a bigger kitchen or
skylights. I have you,

and the kids.

And no backyard
and creaky floorboards.

And memories.

Lots of great memories.

Jim, I walk through this house,

and I feel our family
and our life.

I love that.

That's what makes this
a home to me.

Yeah.

Me too.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

What are we going to do
with this basement?

Well, I think
it's a perfect time

to play Swamp Thing.

Come on.

You be Heather Locklear,
I'll be Swamp Thing.

Oh, I'm Heather Locklear?

Yeah, look out.

Oh... Oh...
Oh, my God!

(GROWLING)

Where are you taking me?

I'm taking you to my lair!

What are we going to do there?

Well, we're gonna do it.

(LAUGHS)

In the lair!
Oh!

So, everything in the
basement was ruined?

Yeah. Some of the
kids' toys, and Jim's tools.

Right here
on the insurance form,

I got one rare stamp collection,

one Picasso...

Oh!

Two Rolls-Royce's...

Greetings, all!

Got some housewarming
party invites

for across the street.

Oh, great.

Now we have to buy
these psychos a present?

Ugh!

The Devlins
didn't buy the house.

What? Some
eligible bachelor did.

Yeah, has family
in the neighborhood.

Oh, my God, is he cute?

Gorgeous.

But he's out of your league.

Oh, and he's your brother.

ALL: What?

It's me!

Oh, my God!

You bought the house
across the street?

I outbid the Devlins!
Hello, neighbor!

Oh, my God, that's so cool!

That is the best
news, man! Congrat...

I cannot believe you people.

You knew how much
we wanted that house!

And Andy just bought it
right out from under us!

If I was anything less
than a gentleman,

I'd whip you within
an inch of your life!

Come on, cat on a hot Tim roof,

let's go.
With pleasure.

We never want to see
any of you again.

Ever!

Goodbye!

ALL: Yes!

You did it!
You did it...

BOTH: Gotcha!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, Cindy, strap me
in the chair!

I think I got a big one!

We could never
be mad at you guys!

We love you!

BOTH: Oh!

We'll be friends forever.

Oh, boy.

What?

I think I just peed a little.