According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 13 - Secret Santa - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
What do you think?
Ah, it's perfect.

You don't want to
overdo it with decorations.

I love it.

It's our best work ever.

ALL: Mmm-hmm.
Ready, Mommy?

Plug it in, sweetie.

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, he's moving.

Oh, go, go, go.

JIM: Oh, baby!

You'll never guess what
I got you. Take a guess.



I don't want
to guess. Please.

Good choice, 'cause
you'll never guess.

I don't want to guess.

I totally own Christmas.

Dana's gifts aren't going
to show me up this year.

Ho, ho, ho, here comes
the Christmas train.

Hey, Jim, it's getting a
little slippery out there.

You might want
to salt the walkway.

No, no, not till
after Christmas.

I do it to discourage
the carolers.

Yeah, that's in case they miss
Jim's snowman giving them the finger.

JIM: Mm-hmm.

Aunt Dana, are those all for me?

Well, you have a brother
and sister, too, you know.



But the big one's mine, right?

Calm down, Gracie.

She probably stuffed that
package to make it look bigger.

I know that trick.

Aunt Dana always
gets us the best stuff.

Excuse me. Who planted a
tree in Israel for you last year?

Trust me, you won't
be disappointed.

Yay!

Well, well, well.

It looks like Santa got Dana
a new credit card this year.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, she hasn't worked
for nine months.

Money doesn't grow on trees.

Haven't you been paying
attention to my lectures?

Yeah, Jim, I'm working my
way through the cassettes.

I'm still on volume 4...

"Children:
The Deductible Blessing."

Jim, why would you assume
that I have money problems?

I find that kind of insulting.

Well, this isn't exactly PC,

but everybody knows that
women can't manage money.

Yeah, yeah, you know,

I saw an interview
with Oprah on that...

Filmed on the island she bought.

Well, this woman made good
money, and she invested wisely.

All you plan for is
your next salty snack.

Now, I find that insulting.

Andy, chip me.

Dana, don't let him get to
you with these silly stereotypes.

Come on, throw on an apron.
Help me bake some cookies.

This box isn't fooling anybody.

(GRUNTING)

I better get to the toy store.

Oh, don't mind Jim.
He's just mad

because I got a
pine-scented air freshener

for the bathroom.

"If I wanted to go in the woods,

"I would have
married a bear."

(SOBBING)

What's wrong?

Oh, Jim's right.
I'm totally broke.

What? Is it that bad?

I mean, I can live.

It's just that I've maxed
out all my credit cards.

Do you need money?

No, because I got
a new credit card,

just like Jim said.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, it's a nightmare.

I mean, I got
great gifts for the kids,

but I had to skimp out
on the rest of you.

Oh, come on.

Everybody's going to understand.

Cheryl, I don't need
understanding.

I need to feel like a big shot.

God, this is going to be
the worst Christmas ever.

When Jim sees those stupid
reindeer socks I got him,

he's going to know
he was right about me.

Okay, you're putting
pepper on the cookies.

Oh...

Okay, look...

Hey, why don't you just
put your name

on one of the gifts I got Jim?

Cheryl...

Yeah, take the big red
one with the green bow.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

And Jim will never find out?

Dana, we're sisters.
Sister-sister bond.

This will be between us.

Oh, okay.
Thank you.

Oh, honey.

You're welcome.

Well, I should probably
apologize in advance

for the stupid oven mitts
I got you this year.

I'm sure I'll love them.

Yeah, one's Captain,
the other's Tennille.

Oh.

12 hours of shopping,
4 hours of wrapping.

In 30 seconds,

the kids are off with their
plunder like Viking raiders.

(LAUGHING) Well, they'll be
back when they get hungry.

Well, the girls really seemed
to like the dollhouse I got them.

Yeah, they did.

Best gift ever, I think were
the words that they said.

Well, they're kids. They don't
know crap about Christmas.

You guys haven't opened
my gifts yet.

Oh, looky here, huh?

"To Cheryl from her
thoughtful brother."

Aw...

Oh.

Oh, it's a DVD!

The Robe,
starring Richard Burton.

Wow, it's...
It's so unexpected.

Well, Jim said it was
on your wish list.

What?

Andy, you idiot! I said,
"Get a DVD or a robe!"

You mumbled 'cause you're
always eating.

No, you're not listening to me!

You don't listen to me
when I talk anymore!

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine!

You guys, I'll just pop this in

the next time I'm in the mood

for a 2-hour-and-10-minute
biblical epic.

Let me see what I got here.

CHERYL: Oh.

Wow, this is really cool!

A Chicago Blackhawks
Zamboni key chain!

Honey, it's also a whistle.

A whistle? How cool!
Ah, thank you, baby.

Okay, yeah, open mine.
Mine. Mine.

Okay. Okay, Andy.
Okay, Mr. Christmas.

Oh, wow, look at that.

An electric football game.

This is one like I had
when I was a kid.

Please, Jim, you're embarrassing
me with all the gushing.

Now, you know,
I know it's no oven mitts,

or say, reindeer socks,
but enjoy.

Oh, thank you, Andy.

How's that taste, sweetheart?

Why don't you get
the gift you got for Jim?

Ooh, yes. Dana's gift.

I look forward to it all year.

Here, this is from me.

No, Dana, that's not
the gift you got Jim.

No, it says
"From Dana to Jim."

No, no.
Let me guess.

This is a gift certificate
to a bookstore?

Joke's on you, baby.
They sell porn there now.

No, Dana, this is
the gift you got...

Oh, my God!

This is an 11-game
pack of tickets

for the Chicago Blackhawks.

These are impossible to get!

Dana...

You got these for me?

After all the things
I said to you yesterday?

Yep.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas, Dana!

Merry Christmas!

You know, I think
the coffee's ready.

Dana, can you help me?
Sure.

Oh, my God.
Cheryl, can you believe it?

No! No, I can't.

Oh, Cheryl, I am so sorry.

I told you to put your name on the big
shiny red package with the green bow.

It was a Shower CD.

I was going to, but I felt
bad taking the big gift,

so I just put my name
on the smallest one.

I thought it was some
crappy gift certificate!

By the way, thank you
for the gift certificate.

Dana!
I had a whole hockey theme

leading up to those tickets.

I had the Blackhawks
boxer shorts,

then I had that
little tiny hockey stick.

I put more thought into this
than naming Kyle.

Well, you still got him
the Shower CD.

I mean, he'll use that
every couple days.

Crap!

(SIGHS) All right.

Fine, I'll just...

I'll just go in there
and I'll tell Jim

the tickets were from you.

It will be his best
Christmas present ever.

My life is a total disaster.

Stop. No, wait.

It's not important.

Jim's happy. Everybody's
having a great Christmas. I...

No one has to know.

Really?

Sister-sister bond, remember?

Your secret's safe with me.

Oh, my God.

I don't... I don't know
how to thank you.

Yeah, well, go in
and check on Kyle.

I bet there's a diaper full
of thank-yous right there.

Dana, Dana, Dana,
check it out. Check it out.

There's two home games
this week.

I want you to go with me.

Really?
'Cause, you know,

I bet Cheryl would
want to go. Well...

Hello? Hockey fan over here.

No. Dana, Dana,
you got me these tickets.

You're coming with me.

Come on, let's go check online

to see where the seats
are. Come on.

Merry Christmas!

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Says here The Robe
was the first movie

shot in CinemaScope, 1953.

Mmm.

That's fascinating.

Yeah, yeah, isn't it?

You want to hear the
director's commentary?

Mmm, sure.

We can't. He's dead.

Ah, damn it!

I should be
at that Blackhawks game.

Why couldn't Dana have gotten
enough tickets for all of us?

Well, Dana's
a very selfish person.

Hey! Hey, did you
see it on TV?

What?

At intermission, they
called out our seat numbers,

and we went down on the ice!

Yeah. I scored a goal!

Yeah. Yeah.
Look what we won.

They're signed
by the whole team.

Yeah!

And... And we were
sitting so close to the ice,

I actually caught...
A tooth!

Oh, Dana, that was...
That was fun.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, the tickets were
just great.

Yeah, well, anyway...
Thank you. Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Okay, are we still on
for Wednesday, Cheryl?

What?

You know, we're gonna do
that fun, cool thing

that's better than some
stupid hockey game.

Oh, yeah, right.

No.

You know what?

I like her.

What?

Dana. Your sister.

I really like her.

I mean, she was
right on the mark

with these hockey tickets.

Oh, please.

No, no, really, she...

She gets me.

No, she doesn't.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she does.

No, no.

Oh, no, no, she really gets me.

No, no, no, she doesn't get you!

I get you!

I am the only person
who has ever gotten you,

and you will go to your grave

with me being the only
person who gets you!

Well, you may get me,

but all you got me
was a whistle.

Jim, Dana didn't get you
those tickets. I did!

What?

I told her to put her name
on one of my gifts.

Why?

Well...

(SIGHS) Because she's broke.

(LAUGHING)

I knew it!

I knew it!
She's broke!

(BRITISH ACCENT)
God bless us, everyone!

No, no, you can't say anything.

What do you mean,
I can't say anything?

This is gloating country, baby.

I'm getting on the
saddle, and I'm riding.

No, no, no, no.
Jim! No!

What?

She told me in confidence. I
am telling you in confidence.

I already broke
the sister-sister bond.

You cannot break
the marital bond.

I thought the marital bond

was where I'm not supposed
to sleep with another chick.

I mean, yeah, that's the one
that gets all the press,

but there's also honoring
each other's secrets.

Oh, Cheryl,
you and your secrets!

What? You keep secrets
all the time.

No, I don't. I lie.
That's totally different.

What? I can't keep
a story straight

unless I invent it myself.

Jim, for me.
This is important.

Ah, Cheryl.

All right, all right, but you
know, I'm just a simple man.

I can only keep one
marital bond at a time.

I'll keep your secret, so I
don't want you flipping out

if you hear about me
in the sack with Meg Ryan.

Okay?
Well, that's only fair.

Okay.

He's at the 20...

He's at the 10...

He's at the 15...

And now he's going in circles...

And the touchdown!
Look at that!

End zone! Game over!

What are you doing?

I'm tired of playing.

Oh.

Okay. Yeah. No problem.

You're probably just
tuckered out

because you've been to
eleventy billion hockey games

with your best friend Dana!

Oh, come on, will you
stop with the Dana stuff?

No, no, no, no, Jim. No.
She stole Christmas from me

with her expensive gifts
for you and the girls.

And all I got were these
crappy reindeer socks.

Just looking at my feet
pisses me off.

Well, why don't you stand up,
and you'll never see 'em.

See ya.

Where you going?

Over to Dana's.

I'm gonna rub these
right in her face.

Oh, come on...
In fact,

I'm gonna put them down the
back of my pants for the ride over.

Andy, you can't do that.

No. I did it once
with a shirt

an ex-girlfriend gave me.

Sends a pretty strong message.

No, no, Andy, Andy...
No, no, Andy... No. No.

You can't go into Dana's
face like that.

Dana is off limits.
Oh...

No, no. I mean it.

Off limits.

Oh, my God!

What?

You really do like her better!

Oh...

All right, listen.

You got to promise you're not
going to say anything to anybody.

Cheryl bought me those tickets

and let Dana put her name
on it because she's...

She's broke.

No, no. No, no, no, no,
no, Andy!

I knew it!

(BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, God bless us, everyone!

No, Andy, Andy...

Ah, this is sweet.

No, Andy, you can't say
anything to her! You can't!

Are you kidding me?

Jim, this is revenge
for all those times

she gave me wedgies
and purple nurples

and told all her
hot friends I was gay!

Oh, Andy, I understand.
It's killing me, too,

but you can't, because
I just broke the marital bond.

You slept with another chick?

I thought that's
what it meant, too,

but apparently it includes
keeping your wife's secrets.

And I'm only telling you

because I'm protected
by the guy-guy bond.

That's it.

Damn!
The guy-guy bond.

That's right.

Ah, this feels so weird.

Of course, it could be
the reindeer socks.

RUBY AND GRACIE:
5... 4... 3... 2... 1!

Happy New Year!

(BLOWING NOISEMAKERS)

Ah, girls, girls, girls,
okay, come on.

This is the fourth time
I've asked you to stop.

It's not New Year's yet.

It's only 7:20.

Isn't it New Year's somewhere?

Yes.

On Monster Island,

where we may move
if you don't knock it off.

CHERYL: Okay.

All right, I'm going
to go get dessert.

Oh, I'll help you.

Ooh, I want dessert.

Hey, Jim.
Yeah?

What do you say after dinner

we throw down some cognac
and ring in the New Year

with some electric football?

Uh, no.

Wow. That's good champagne.

Yeah, you think
I'm going to let Jim

make a toast with that
swill he got at the yard sale?

But don't say anything.

Oh, your secret's safe,

especially after
what you did for me.

Thanks again.

It wasn't that much.

Are you kidding me?
You got him this great gift,

and you can't take
any credit for it.

Yeah, yeah, it's no big deal.

No, it must be killing you
to keep it inside.

You know, I think
I'm going to get started

on this right now.

You're the best.

Okay, that's enough!

Hey.

Thanks a lot, Gracie.

So, you girls really
like the dollhouse, huh?

Yeah. There's a lamp
on the table

that really lights up.

Aw... I'm so glad
you guys like it.

Uh, how about the
walkie-talkies I gave you?

Pretty cool, huh?

We took the batteries out
to make the lamp light up.

Well, when you guys
fall down a well,

at least you can call for help

with your precious dollhouse!

Andy, they just
prefer the dollhouse.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I guess if I wanted
everyone to say

how great Andy is,
I should have just

put my name
on the dollhouse, huh?

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Oh, my God.

Cheryl told you!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

And even if I did, I wouldn't
betray Jim's confidence.

(GASPS)

Jim knows?

And Cheryl told him.
That's all I'm saying.

I cannot believe Cheryl told...

I am going to clean her clock.

No, no!
Are you crazy?

Jim and I got a guy-guy bond.

If he finds out
I rolled over on him,

my life ain't worth
a damn out on that street.

I promise I'll let him bury
you in your reindeer socks.

No!

Oh, Andy!

Hey.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Cheryl, I can't believe
you told...

(ANDY GRUNTING)

Tell me she wasn't
carrying the pie.

Cheryl, you swore
you wouldn't blab

about the hockey tickets!

Jim!
Andy!

Dana!
Cheryl!

I trusted you, and
you told Jim everything!

Dana...

No, you know what?
That's fine.

Let's just have a
big laugh at the loser.

Yeah, I don't have a job,

I maxed out my credit cards,

and I'm even thinking seriously

of moving to Florida
to live with Mom,

which is my version
of Monster Island!

Happy freaking New Year!

BOTH: Yay!

Oh, no, no, no, Dana, Dana, no.

Dana, wait a minute.

Girls, girls, it's
not New Year's yet.

Not New Year's. Dana,
Dana, Dana, you can't go.

Why not?
Because... Because...

Because I... I like you,
and I want you here.

Come here. Come on.

I'll tell you why.

Because... Because
we're all here, and...

And Cheryl would like
to apologize.

Oh. Oh, Dana,

I am so sorry.

I should never have
betrayed your confidence.

That was wrong.

But, you know, it all started

because I was trying
to protect you.

Right. And you see, that's
where our mistake was.

We were trying to protect you.

And you know what?

We shouldn't protect
each other from each other.

I mean, we're family here,

and if we can't talk
to each other

about what's really
going on, then...

I mean, what's the point?

We're just coming home
and saying,

"Where's the remote?
We need cheese."

Look, I want everyone
to raise their glass,

make a toast to Dana.
Oh...

No, listen, I know
I'm a charming guy,

and I could probably say
a lot of great things

about you, because I
have a way with, um...

Words.
Words.

But I think everybody
should say one word

that describes Dana,

like...

Loving.
Loving.

Strong.

Beautiful.

Dollhouse.

Forgiving.

Ooh. Tenacious.

Talented. Yes. Stylish.

There you go.
Smart.

Embarrassed.

Crying.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

I got one.

How about...

Family?

ALL: Family.

(SNIFFLING)

You see, Dana,

you didn't hear us use
one word like job,

or money or rich or poor.

No, 'cause, honey,
that has nothing to do

with who you are
or how we see you.

Wow.

Thanks. I really needed
to hear that.

But you know what?

I think next year
is going to be my year.

And if I do need
to talk to anyone,

I know who I can turn to.

Attagirl.

You know what I think
we really learned this year?

What?

Is that the girls really
liked my dollhouse

better than Andy's
walkie-talkies.

(LAUGHING)

I knew it. You just couldn't
let it go, could you?

I'm tenacious.

Anyone else want to kick me
when I'm down?

Oh, I got to tell you,
I didn't really care

for that football game.
It was a little lame.

Well, I got a DVD of The Robe.

An Academy Award winner!

Walkie-talkies are
for nerds, just like you.

Oh, okay.
You're the nerd.