According to Jim (2001–2009): Season 3, Episode 10 - Paintball - full transcript

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Boy, two seconds left.

I could just run out the
clock and end the game.

Or kick an easy field
goal and win by five.

What should I do?

Just kick it already!

I think I will.

(LAUGHS)

Here's the snap, and the kick.

She blocked it!

I got the ball!

Run, Gracie, run!



No!

She could go all the way!

Oops.

Game called
on account of darkness.

I can't believe
you did that, Andy.

Yeah, well, it's
a tough world, Dana.

Kid's gotta learn she
can't win all the time.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

She flushed my keys, didn't she?

No, that was your wallet.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

And those were your keys.

(INAUDIBLE)

JIM: Oh, baby!



Oh, look, there we are
decorating the gym for the prom.

Look at your bangs,
very Debbie Gibson.

Yeah. I wasn't
going for fashion.

I was hiding a zit that
looked like a third eye.

Oh.

All hail the conquering
paintball heroes.

Let the victory feast commence!

Well, I got some fruit salad.

Yeah, that's what I meant,
fruit salad.

How'd it go?

Oh, honey, it went
great, really great.

We were like the ultimate
warriors, you know?

We were tasting fear,
dealing out death,

crawling through mud.

And the mud's actually
really good for your pores.

Remember how I had dry patches?

You see, this is why
your own guys shoot you.

You know, I just don't get
the whole paintball thing,

grown men playing war.
It's just so weird.

Really?
Yeah?

How about a bunch of women
getting together

once a week
to chat about school?

That's the PTA.

Ah, you two,
I'm gonna watch the game.

No, no, no.

You are not going in
my living room like that.

Dana, take him out
and hose him off.

Ooh, can I use the power hose?

That's why we got it!

Ow! Ow.

Hey, honey.

How would you like
to have a five-course

gourmet dinner tomorrow night?

Ooh, I'd love to.

And how about if we cooked
it ourselves in a cooking class?

You didn't let me
finish, but I can't.

Oh, come on, don't be so Jim.

I'm not.

I thought it was something
fun we could do together.

Well, we could have sex.

That's fun.

And we almost always
do that together.

Come on. We don't want to
end up one of those couples

who has nothing in common
once their kids go away.

I mean, do you want
to end up on a park bench

with nothing to say to each
other, just feeding the pigeons?

Yeah, the park, that's
kind of a long walk.

Honey, all we ever
do together anymore

is eat pizza and watch TV.

That's not true.
Come on.

Last week, we had
some Chinese food,

and we did that romantic
thing where we fed each other.

You stealing food off my
plate is not feeding each other.

Cheryl, cooking class?
Cooking class?

I'm a guy. I don't
go to cooking class.

Honey, there are
gonna be guys there.

Really?
It's for couples. Yeah.

And look. It's more
of a grilling demonstration.

Grilling?

Come on, give it a try.

All you have to do
is just sit there and eat.

I do like to eat.

Almost as much
as you like sitting.

You're playing to my strengths.

Ah!

All right.

Oh, honey, thank you!

Ah! Ah! Ow!

Stop! Stop!

Dear God in heaven, stop!

Okay, wait, wait, wait.
I'm gonna turn it on high.

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS) Oh!

Cheryl, where are the guys?

You said there'd be guys here.

You said "couples."
That means guys.

There's a guy.
There's a guy.

Yeah. He was a guy, like,
50 years ago, honey.

Oh, Jim.

What, that's the grill?

This is grilling?
That's the grill?

That's a little girl's
grill with all the pink.

If they're serving fish,
I'm out of here.

Jim, the important thing
is we're together, right?

I guess so.

Okay, now just try to have a
good time and stop complaining.

Fine.

My shoes are too tight.

Stop. Sit.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Cynthia Cookson,

as in "I will 'cook-son'
delicious food for you tonight."

(LAUGHING)

Some of you may know me from
my Channel 7 news cooking segment

called Grills Gone Wild.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Yeah, we have some fun.

So before we begin, does
anyone have any questions?

Yeah!
When are we gonna eat?

(LAUGHING)

Hey, man.

Looks like somebody brought
their hungry, hungry hubby.

Well...

How nice.

To truly understand grilling,
we must first understand flavor,

so let's begin with
an A to Z of spices.

Oh.
A to Z?

How many spices are there?

A, anise.

Anus.

Jim.

Anise. It has a mild flavor
which resembles licorice.

And it is a must
in Southeast Asian cooking.

Okay, we're almost ready
with our marinade.

Now, remember, Jim,
we're whisking.

We're not trying
to beat it unconscious.

It's either you
or the sauce, lady.

Hey.

What? What?

I'm not complaining.
I'm whisking.

Damn it. Now I know
the word "whisking."

Okay, our steak is ready
and grilled to perfection.

Me first! Me first!
This is the line.

Line starts here.

What's this?

Where's the rest of the steak?

Well, there's 20 people
in the class.

You want everyone to
have a sample, don't you?

No. I don't know
these people.

Cynthia, Jim's pretty hungry
from all that whisking.

Don't you think you could
"cook-son" more steak?

No, and that "cook-son" thing,

you know, that's
kind of my trademark,

so I would just go
ahead and not say that.

Nothing.

I didn't even chew!

Take mine.

It's like taking a meat pill.

Hey, buddy.

Is that Betty Grable over there?

Okay, dessert time, and I'm
going to need a lemon zester,

and the zestiest
person here is...

Jim?

You know, we could
plot to kill her.

That's something
we can do together.

Oh.

And I know all the
spices I could use.

Look. I drew a pony.

I drew a forest.

I drew Frank Gehry's groundbreaking
museum in Bilbao, Spain.

Your lines are crooked.

It's called
"forced perspective."

And since we're being critical,

let's talk about
your blue trees.

Hello!

Mommy! Daddy!

Hello, my little girls.

Well, how were they?

Cute, but untalented.

Why don't you girls go brush
your teeth, and we'll be right up?

So, did you have fun?

Well, fun usually
means fun, so, no.

Well, maybe it
would have been fun

if you'd stop complaining
and tried to have a good time.

Hey, I told you
I didn't want to go!

No, you said you would go.

Then you made it
very clear you didn't

want to be there,
which is worse.

Too hungry to hear!
Too hungry to hear!

Hey, can you hear this?
I ate the last lamb chop.

See, this is when
I'm glad I'm single.

No getting dragged to things.

No negotiating
with your partner.

I do whatever I want,
watch whatever I want,

and no one's there...

(SIGHS)

(VOICE BREAKING)
And no one's there.

S'all good!

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm starving. I'm gonna
make a sandwich.

Peanut butter, bologna,
and macaroni and cheese?

Classic number 7 it is.

I just hope this puts an end

to all this
couples' activity crap.

I wouldn't count on it.

Cheryl's just like Mom,

always nagging Dad
to do stuff together.

Yeah. Sent him
to an early grave.

No, no, that was the
number four bus to Elk Grove.

Oh.

Dad didn't believe
in crosswalks.

He actually found a way of
beating Mom at her own game.

How did he do that?
(CHUCKLING) Well,

he suggested they try
ice fishing together.

I hate ice fishing.

So did she.

So he never had to do
anything with her ever again.

Long story short, I know how
to unhook a girdle blindfolded.

You know what, Andy?

Your dad was a genius.

You may have problems, but,

he was a smart man.

Hey, Cheryl, you know
what I was thinking?

Maybe you're right. We
should do more couple stuff.

Really?
Yeah.

And I know exactly
what I want to do.

Oh, Cheryl, don't.

The last time you
let him pick something,

you spent your anniversary
at a cockfight.

Yeah, but we did win 20 bucks.

Besides, you know,
he did my thing.

I'm gonna do his thing.
Quid pro quo.

Great. Okay, Saturday
morning, 10:00 sharp.

Wait, wait, wait.
Where are we going?

It doesn't matter,
really, does it?

The point is that we're
gonna do it together, right?

Yeah, yeah.
What is it?

It's the sport
of kings, paintball.

Quid po crow, Cheryl.

Quid po crow.

Um, sorry.

Do you have anything
a little less... gunny?

Oh. Ugh. Would you
look at this thing?

You'd think a bunch of whacked-out
gun nuts would be cleaner.

Here.
Thanks.

Oh, thank you so much
for coming with me.

Hey, you're my sister.

If I ever marry a guy
with no common interests

and my marriage is in a
rut, you do the same for me.

Oh, honey, you know I will.

Oh, I love the smell of
paintball in the morning.

(SNIFFS) Smells like...

Paint.

So, are you girls ready?

Are you ready to be
all that you can be?

Yeah, I guess.
Whatever.

Hey, where's Andy?

I thought he was
gonna meet us here.

Pop, pop, pop.

I could have taken you all out

and been in the shadows
before you hit the ground.

Observe.

We can see you.

ANDY: How about now?

You're right there.

ANDY: Or am I?

Idiot.

All right, girls, come on.

Be excited here! Come on,
let me hear your war cries.

Whoo.
Yeah.

What was that?
Come on, a war cry.

Whoo! Whoo! Hey! Ho!

Ho!

Whoo!

That's the kind of war cry.
Where's your spirit?

What's the point?

So you can shoot me
to get back at me

for taking you
to some cooking class?

You know, Cheryl,
why would I do that?

Why would I shoot
one of my own guys?

(STAMMERING) Wait,
I'm one of your men?

We're on the same team.

Why do you always think
I'm up to something?

Because you're Jim,
and that's what Jim does.

Yeah, wake up, shower,
scheme, lunch, scheme,

dinner, half-assed apology, bed.

I should make room in
that schedule to be hurt.

Oh.

I mean, I just picked
something I like for us to do,

'cause I thought
you'd like it, too.

But forget it.

From now on, we'll just
do what you want to do.

No, honey. I mean,
I just assumed that...

You know what, Cheryl?
When you assume,

you make an ass
out of me and you.

No, that would be ass-me-u.

Don't you have to
be someplace else?

You know I don't.

Wow.

I guess he really does
want to do this with me.

Well, I owe it to him
to at least try.

Come on, psych me up.

Okay. Okay.
Okay.

You're a machine.
Whoo!

You are a force
to be reckoned with.

Okay. Okay. You're
an agent of destruction!

Yeah!

Oh, man, I just wish
I wasn't so crampy.

Oh.

Well, maybe we can go get some
chamomile tea back at the battle camp.

Oh, yeah!

(LAUGHS) Oh, Andy,
I gotta tell you,

your father's plan
was brilliant.

Cheryl's gonna get her
togetherness, all right.

We're gonna be together
when I drag her through the dirt

and the brush and
the rocks until I can say

sayonara to couples'
activities forever.

Hey.

The snack bar was out of
popcorn, but, uh, gummy worm?

Who were you talking to?

No one.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(GUNS FIRING)

Spotting for me?

What are you doing?
Honey, hold on.

You got a little bit
of schmutz...

Stop it.

Honey, I'm trying
to kill people here.

I almost got it.

Get... Will you
stop it, please?

I'm trying to shoot these guys.

Ah!

I'm dead. I'm dead.
You happy?

Yeah, I need a mani-pedi
at 10:00.

Come on, Marie.
My nails are a mess.

CHERYL: Ah! Ah!

Okay, go.
What? What?

Go. Stay low. I got you
covered. I got you covered!

Go! Go! Run! Run!

(SHRIEKING)

(GUN FIRING)

(SHUDDERS)

Head down. Keep down. Keep down.

Keep down. Get down. Get down.

(GUN FIRES)
(SCREAMS)

I got him.
I got him.

Andy. Andy.

Just meet me over there!

All right, all right, all right.

(SIGHS) Man,
Cheryl is not breaking.

She's being such a
good sport about this.

It's starting to
really piss me off.

Jim, it shouldn't be
surprising that she'd be tough.

We're descended from Vikings.

That warrior instinct
kicks in... Snake! Snake!

Get down! Get down!
It's a shoelace!

(SIGHS) Oh, damn it.

This is terrible. Now I'm gonna
have to keep going on outings with her.

This was a stupid plan,
and your dad was an idiot.

Heads up!

All right.

We both know
there's one thing here

that will definitely
break Cheryl.

What?

The mudhole.

Oh, the mudhole. Ah!

Oh, right.

Cheryl hates the mud.
She hates to get dirty.

(LAUGHS)

Unless she's in a spa paying
80 bucks an hour to sit in it.

Oh!

All right, here's the plan,

I'm gonna lead Cheryl
over to the mudhole.

You open fire on us, and she'll
have no choice but to jump in the pit.

You, sir, are neither an
officer nor a gentleman.

Thank you.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right, let's go.

All right.

Hey.
What?

What? Jim, Jim, I'm stuck.

Roll, roll!

Hey, Andy.

(ANDY SCREAMING)

Crap on a cracker.
I'm dead already!

Okay, screw the rules.
This just got personal.

Uh-oh.

What do you think of this
pink for the girls' room?

(GUN FIRING)
Oh! Oh!

Go on! Jump in
the mudhole!

What? Jump in! I'll cover you!

No, the mud is icky!

War is icky.
Get in!

(INAUDIBLE)

Jump now!

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

What did you do that for?

You set me up!

That's the last time
I take you anyplace!

Andy, Andy,
get me out of this thing.

All right. Come
on, grab this thing.

I can't believe she did that.

Hey! Oh, God!

(CHUCKLES)

That was mean!

No, this is mean.

Stop it! Stop it!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

(SIGHS) Come on, Cheryl.
Lighten up, will you?

Will you please lighten up?

You wouldn't talk to me
in the paintball gift shop.

You wouldn't talk to me
on the way home.

Just say something.
Say one word.

Butt head.

That's two words.

Oh!
That's two words!

Come on, Cheryl, I
was just making a joke.

Come on.
You know what?

I thought it was pretty clever,

considering all
the mud in my crack.

You wanted to make me miserable.

You wanted me to suffer.

Well, you know, we never have to
do anything together again. Happy?

(SIGHS) Come on, Cheryl.
That's not what I want.

Come on, I want
to have fun with you.

It's just that all
the things you pick suck!

Yeah, like paintball
sucked, but you know what?

I tried. You know, what you
didn't do in cooking class.

I have a good reason for that.

What?
I didn't want to!

All right, fair enough.
You didn't want to.

So we'll just live our
separate lives and grow apart,

and one day when we're old,

we'll look at each other in our
matching sweat suits and say,

"Who the hell are you?"

Come here. Come on. Come
on. Come on. Come on. Sit down.

I don't want that.

I don't want that to happen,
especially the sweat suit part.

Well, Jim, I don't either.

That's why I'm making
such an effort.

Honey, I miss you.

How could you miss me?
We live in the same house.

Just 'cause we're in the
same house at the same time

doesn't mean we're together.

Come on. I mean,

don't you miss me?

No.

Cheryl, we wake up together.

You know, we fight over the
toilet in the morning together.

We have dinner together
every night.

We're raising a family together.

How could I miss you?

Yes, I miss you.

Thank you.

Oh, you're too cute.

Look, I just want you to know

I'd rather do nothing with you,

than anything with anybody else.

Oh, honey.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Good, 'cause you stink.

(LAUGHING)

Hey. Want to join me?

Well, if you're gonna
make an effort,

I guess I will, too.

(GIGGLING)