Acapulco H.E.A.T. (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Code Name: The Mouse That Squeaked - full transcript
- Tonight on
"Acapulco H.E.A.T."...
- Hey!
- Ah!
Oh!
♪ Ah, can you feel it
♪ Burn inside
♪ Yeah
♪ Makin' me hazy
♪ Wet fingers touchin' mine
♪ Makin' me crazy
♪ Out on the street
♪ I feel the heat
♪ Deep in the darkest night
♪ I feel the motion
♪ Keep all my love alive
♪ Come to the ocean
♪ Out on the street
♪ I feel the heat
- Okay!
Ah!
- Oh!
- Hey!
The bank doesn't have enough
money for you guys.
You have to take mine?
Animal!
No, no, no!
Let her go, let her go!
- Not my ring.
- It's a family heirloom.
I'm mad, I'm really,
really mad now.
- Can't park here.
Hey, move along, move along.
Oh!
- Ah!
Damn it, Tommy, that's not fair.
- That is why you fail.
- I wasn't ready.
- Yeah?
Well, that's what happened
last time, you weren't ready.
We were getting knocked
all over the place
even though we were
the favorite... hey!
- In a pig's eye.
We lost because you were too
busy looking at that bimbo.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you think it's easy
trying to push somebody...
- Come on!
- while a dozen
screaming females
are trying to knock you
off balance.
- Tommy!
- You go ahead and try it.
You won't see how easy it is.
You see how easy it is.
I can tell you
the whole thing...
- Hey!
We've been robbed!
- What?
- Oh!
- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
- Well, what happened?
- They took our rent money.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
We have a serious problem.
- They took my ring.
- How are we gonna pay our rent?
- The ring that my grandmother
gave me.
- I haven't a clue.
- And next week's salaries.
- What do you think, Tommy?
- That ring
was a family heirloom.
- We're at a bank.
We can take out a loan.
- Oh, what, from the fat chance
department?
We are flat broke.
- It belonged to my
grandmother's aunt
on my mother's side.
- We got... salaries?
Did you say salaries?
Did you say salaries?
- Yeah.
- You let them
take our salaries?
- I did not let them
take anything.
Our salaries
were in the deposit bag
along with the rent money,
capisce?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, there goes
my new old truck.
- Can't eat a truck.
There goes food.
- My ring.
- My truck.
- You should've seen it, Kootch.
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
Just like the Terminator.
Frankie?
- Yeah?
- Can I see your pistol, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Why did you do that?
- Perfect bank job
and you gotta start
doing Arnold Schwarzenegger?
What did I tell you guys, huh?
No talking, no shooting.
- It was an accidence, Kootch.
My finger slipped.
- Because of your accident,
I had to shoot a guard.
Now, do you know what they do
here when you shoot someone, hm?
They return the favor
with a firing squad.
You see this?
This is what keeps us safe.
Look, we only have a few more
weeks to score for a lifetime.
- I'm sorry for my finger.
- Sorry don't get it done
and I'm three hours late.
Now, Chelsea flew in
this morning,
and I've gotta get to the hotel.
She's gonna have a fit.
- Yeah, what do you
want us to do
about the watches and jewelry?
- Let me see that stuff, huh?
Hey, yeah, this'll get me
out of the dog house.
- But it's fresh kill.
- No.
No, I bought it off
a tourist at the airport.
Needed airfare home.
- Works for me.
- Shut up and let me
do the thinking.
Now, you and Tito will unload
this stuff at the usual outlets.
Frankie, you stash the weapons.
- Sure, yeah.
- Oh, and Finley told me
this morning that the compound
has been awarded temporary
diplomatic status.
- Well, that means
we are diplomats.
Yep.
- Oh, yeah.
You just get a top hat
and taps, huh?
Now, remember, you guys are
supposed to be part of my staff.
That means you keep the peace
non-violently.
- What do you want us to do
if somebody gets out of line?
- Then you get 'em back in line.
You just do it without
busting their heads, got it?
- Busting heads,
I like that, very American.
- I'm gonna bust you in a minute
if you don't do
exactly what I say.
Finley Fairfax is a world-famous
peace activist.
He smells blood,
we lose our nest.
So, kiss his ass.
Be cool, don't make waves.
We have the perfect
hideout here,
not to mention
diplomatic immunity.
It's just too beautiful
for words.
- And you have Chelsea.
- And there's certain things
a man doesn't share.
- Playing caped crusader
again, huh?
- I was trying
to hide our deposit bag.
- I'm just glad you're not hurt.
I mean, not, like, hurt
really... really bad.
- You think you got
anything we can move on?
- Just the remote.
- Well, let's see.
We got three robbers
on the inside
and one outside
in the getaway car?
- That's correct.
They were wearing mask.
And they didn't talk,
they whistled.
- Whistled?
- Yes, whistled.
- They didn't say anything
at all, they just...
whistled.
- They said a lot,
but with whistles.
They signal each other.
One of them
was going to shoot me.
The leader stopped him
with a whistle.
- How do you know
he was the leader?
- Because he acted
like the leader.
He's the one who shot the guard,
and this much I know,
they were Americans.
- Come on, Nicole,
they were wearing masks.
And if they didn't talk,
how could you possibly know
they were Americans?
- Maybe they were whistling
"The Star Spangled Banner".
- Listen, people, we have
to get a paying client fast
or else we're gonna be
really poor.
- Yeah, I'll go talk
to the bank manager.
Come with me.
- I don't know how I know.
I just know I know.
And you know that
when I know, I know.
I want my ring back.
- I know.
- I don't suppose you have
a macrobiotic menu?
No, no, of course not.
Not economically feasible.
I must say, you have
an excessive amount
of meat on this menu.
No offense, I'm a vergan.
It's a true vegetarian.
We don't eat anything
that has a mother.
We're all hypocrites
because we eat plants.
Uh, plants may not have mothers,
but they do have feelings.
When I play Mozart,
my plants flourish.
But if I play Snoop Doggy Dogg,
they wither up and die.
They're just not
into gangster rap.
- Have you got the time?
Yes.
- Artistic selectivity aside,
we all have to compromise and
eat something or we... starve.
I think I'll have two mangoes
and a glass of breast juice.
I mean, uh...
Fresh juice.
Oh, my God, did you...
Did you see her?
- Hey, beautiful,
I'm sorry I'm late.
- You're four hours late and all
you can say is you're sorry?
- What do you want from me, huh?
Five Hail Marys?
Come on, cut me some slack.
The only reason I'm late
is 'cause I stopped
and got you a little gift.
- Yeah, sure.
- You're not even curious
as to what it might be?
Didn't even get a ring.
- Oh, Kootch, it's so cute.
- I give you a trinket
worth a few grand
and you call it cute.
- It's beautiful, Kootch,
it's really beautiful.
But he's still cute.
You know, we... we haven't seen
each other for weeks.
I thought you'd be,
you know, anxious.
- No, anxious
isn't even a word for it.
I'm salivating.
- You've been closing
a lot of deals?
- Left and right, Baby Cakes,
closed a big one this morning.
Come on.
- Where are we going, Kootch?
The rooms are back there.
- We're not staying
at the hotel, baby.
- Well, where are we staying?
- The compound.
- Compound?
It sounds like a prison.
- It's nice, it's sort of like
camping out under the stars.
- Oh, I'm not camping out
anywhere where
there's no room service.
- You're gonna like it,
it's very tropical.
- Well, what do you call
this place, Alaska?
- It's on the beach, okay?
- So is this!
Besides,
I can't leave the hotel.
I entered a tournament.
- Oh, for Christ sakes, Chelsea,
haven't you won
enough beauty contests?
- It's not a beauty contest.
It's a bikini joust.
I entered you too.
See, I get on your shoulders
while other girls ride
on other guys' shoulders,
and they try to knock me off.
The one left standing wins.
- I'm not believing this.
- Oh, come on, Kootch,
it'll be fun.
- You know, isn't it bad enough
I gotta carry you
around on my back?
Why should I lug you around
on my shoulders, huh?
- I'm staying at the hotel!
It's beautiful!
Oh!
- Hey!
Ah!
- Officer, over here!
A man's beating up a woman!
Get out of here!
- Are you okay, miss?
- I'm okay.
I'm fine, really.
Did you say the police
are coming?
- Well, they were all the way
on the other side of the lot,
but they ought to be here
any minute, unless, of course,
they see another mugging
on the way here.
- I need a drink.
- Maybe I should go with you...
in case you go into shock.
- Okay.
- I'm Finley Fairfax.
- Chelsea Darling, with a D.
- Chelsea with a D.
Well, that's catchy.
That's very regal.
You know, it's like royalty.
- Ohh...
- The leader was 5'8",
160 pounds.
The others were six feet
and 6'2", 180 to 200 pounds.
Age range, mid 20s to mid 30s.
- I didn't know you knew
how to do that.
I do it, too.
- What is it you do that I do
that I don't know that you do?
- Read auras.
My uncle Zoran... you remember
I told you about him?
He works in carnivals
guessing ages and weights.
He taught me how to read auras.
When I guess a person's age,
I am almost always
right on the nose.
Of course, you have
to understand, I mean,
technically speaking,
if you're reading auras,
you're not really guessing.
- Well, I don't know anything
about auras.
But I do know
how these men move.
Too mature for 20.
Too athletic for 40.
The bank is not signing off.
They're afraid of offending
the local constabulary.
- That's ridiculous.
Why should the police
be offended?
They know less than we do.
- Oh, I know.
Anyway, I got the best deal
I could.
The bank manager
did say that he would pay
for any information
we come up with.
- Listen, I checked with
INTERPOL.
No bank crews
that are whistlers.
- Likewise with the FBI.
- It appears we have
a new M.O.
- INTERPOL wants us
to keep them in the loop.
- Hey.
Did you describe them
my ring, huh?
- Yes, Nicole, I told them.
- Ooh, thank you.
- That means, round up
the usual suspects, huh?
- Joanna, down here there aren't
any usual suspects.
Because nobody, but nobody
is loony enough to rob a bank.
Just isn't done.
- Then Nicole was right.
- About what?
- You thought
they were Americans.
- Why not Europeans?
- The attitude had "Yank"
written all over it.
- Just chill
on the attitude for a bit.
Let's think about this
for a minute, okay?
Now, these guys,
they... they ripped off
all the customers in all
the banks, right?
- Right.
- Okay, well,
if they get caught with
those goods, it's a slam-dunk.
- Hmm.
Straight to jail.
Do not pass go
and do not collect $200.
- Yeah, those goods are so hot,
they're radioactive.
- God, I just hope
they're greedy enough
to hang on to them.
- I'll get a list
of personal items.
- Okay, so we split up the list.
We, uh, canvas pawn shops,
jewelry distributors,
antique stores, the works.
- Hey, maybe I get my ring back.
- When I first saw you,
I said to myself,
"There goes a movie star."
Have you been in any movies
I might've seen?
- Well, I've been
in lots of movies.
I don't know
if you watch adult content.
Some people don't, but my movies
are very, very artistic.
The sex scenes
are very, very tasteful.
None of that trash stuff.
I'm not into kinky,
if you know what I mean.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm, I love my Shirley Temple.
When I was in New York,
I went to some playhouse
and studied the method.
I learned how to be orgasmic.
You can't fake it.
They can tell, you know.
- I'm sure
you'd be very convincing.
- Well, I had this one fan,
you wouldn't believe it,
but there's a whole world
of adult fans out there
who said that I was the best
at fulfilling his fantasies.
Oh, I never knew anyone before
who owned a whole island.
- I have this dream...
ever since I was a kid.
I've always wanted to create
my own Shangri-La.
- Oh, I've been to that
restaurant!
I love Chinese food.
- Oh, no, this Shangri-La
is not so much a place
as it is an idea.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Did you know there are
110 armed conflicts
going on right now
around the world?
And 100 of them are civil,
which is really an oxymoron.
- My boyfriend says most
civilians are morons.
- These people...
they're ethnically
the same people.
They live in the same place,
and they're killing each other.
I mean, it's stupid.
- Oh, people should love
one another.
- Exactly.
That's why I bought my island so
that people can live in harmony
with no fighting, no violence.
- What's the name
of your island?
- I call it Friendly Finley.
- Ooh, I like that,
"Friendly Finley".
It has a nice ring to it.
It must be a nice,
peaceful place.
- Peaceful and crime free.
- So, tell me, how does it look?
- You never saw so much silver.
Once we get inside, you'll think
you died and gone to heaven.
Let's do it.
We'll be right back.
- Nicole, look at that ring.
We've got one like that
on our hot list.
- A gold ring, about ten karats.
- Looks about right.
Uh, Señor, can we have
a look at this ring, please?
- Hey!
You can deal with us
or the police.
Now, take your pick.
- Mmm, round, brilliant cut.
155 points.
A little more than ten karats.
Ooh, V-V-S-I.
- What?
- Very, very slight inclusion.
I'd say the color was a grade H.
Perhaps even a G.
This is a really nice stone,
Nicole.
Worth about 15,000.
- Joanna, how did you learn
how to do that?
- Oh, Aunt Fern.
She was a gem broker
from Antwerp.
- Your mother had two sisters
and two brothers.
Now, how is it possible that you
have so many aunts and uncles?
- Easy... between the four
of them,
they got married 32 times.
- That's incredible.
- We had a lot of love
in my family.
Wait, this is not on our list.
There's an engraving.
Hmm.
"To Max, from Mish.
Happy Hanukkah."
Gee, that is so sweet.
- All that on one ring?
- It's small print.
- I'm really sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
- Oh, what happened here?
- I fell.
- Well, I see you met
our world-famous peace activist.
- Come on, Kootch,
I'm not famous.
- Is this guy humble or what?
You're a great speaker.
You hooked me, didn't you?
I've got a great idea.
Why don't we take Chelsea here
and show her the compound?
- Would... would you like
to see it?
I'd... I'd really be honored.
It's... it's just down the beach
a little ways.
Uh, it's sort of
a holding place.
It's... it's temporary housing
for the new citizens
of Friendly Finley.
- It's a terrific place.
There's just no room service.
- So, how can you buy an island?
I didn't even know
they were for sale.
- Well, I didn't really buy it.
It's a 99-year lease.
- Oh!
So, when are you gonna move?
- Pretty soon.
We have some homesteading
procedures to work out first.
- Oh.
- Welcome. Welcome.
Just come right in.
It's nice to see you.
- Thank you.
- Everyone's welcome,
we'll find you a place.
- Thank you.
- Go right in.
- Say what you will,
but this real dork's
got a hell of a set-up.
Yeah, come on, baby.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah.
Elvis.
On black velvet.
I wanna buy this.
- Are you completely
out of your gourd?
- Why, what...
What's wrong with it?
- God, what's wrong with it?
Velvet paintings went out
with lava lamps.
That thing's pure junk,
it's not worth a dime, Tommy.
Hey, look at this.
- What?
- Isn't this Nicole's ring?
What do you got for me, man?
- A couple more details.
You're gonna love this.
It's a silver shop.
One guard, easy half million.
- Looks like a piece of cake.
- Yeah, just...
- Hi!
- Hi!
- I was hoping
you'd do me a favor.
- Sure, if I can.
- Kootch and I
have entered a contest.
It's a charity event.
But Kootch can't make it,
so I was hoping you would take
his place.
- What do I have to do?
- Oh, you won't have to do
hardly anything.
Just let me mount you,
then I do all the work.
You're gonna love it.
- 103, 104, 105, 106...
- All right, already, all right.
- Okay.
Feeling good, huh?
So, how does it look, huh?
- I couldn't get even money.
- Well, what did we give up?
- Three to two.
- That means we have to bet
three to win two.
That's not good.
- Not good?
Hell, it's a rip-off.
- It's the best I could do.
- No doubt because of your
sterling performance last year.
- What? We lost.
- I know.
- You were good, but you see,
you were not focused.
- And just because
you're in boob heaven,
does not give you the reason
to get distracted.
- You have to stay focused,
Tommy.
- Don't worry about it,
all right?
Stay focused, stay focused.
- Oh...
Oh, call a medic.
Tommy's eyeballs
just sprung a leak.
- Hmm, hmm.
They switched our numbers.
I'm Chelsea Darling.
See, I'm number 69.
- You're Tommy and Cat, right?
See, you guys are number 96.
69 and 96.
All right, everybody,
into the pool, we're starting.
- 69, 96.
Yes.
- 69, hmm.
- Okay, girls.
- Let's do it!
- Okay.
Fight! Get 'em!
Stop!
- Oh!
- God, Tommy!
- You did good.
- You gave it your best.
- You were focused.
- Even when that redhead lost
her bra, it didn't distract you.
- No, no, no,
where is the redhead?
I didn't see no redhead.
- That's because
you were focused.
- Hi!
I wanted to make sure
you guys were all right.
- Yeah, we're fine.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Chelsea.
It's Chelsea Darling, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- And Mr. Darling,
congratulations.
- No, no, I'm Finley Fairfax.
I was just substituting
for Mr. Darling.
I mean Kootch.
- Kootch.
- Lennie Kootch,
he's my boyfriend.
He couldn't make it.
He had an important
business engagement.
So, Finley agreed to take
his place.
- What business
is Mr. Kootch in?
- Oh, he's a money broker,
which I don't really understand
at all.
I mean, how can he buy
and sell money?
Doesn't make sense.
- Well, I bet that keeps him
really busy.
- If you only knew.
- Finley! You're the man
who owns the island,
and you have a compound
down on the beach.
- You ought to come by
for a visit.
I'll show you around.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Oh, hey, did you see it?
- What, that... that brooch?
What about it?
- I saw the same one
at the bank.
- The lizard brooch?
It's on our hot list.
- Yeah? When?
We'll be right there.
They just hit the silver shop
at the plaza.
- And Kootch wasn't here.
You think it was coincidence?
- Well, why should it be?
I mean, you heard what she said.
- He had a business engagement.
- Yeah, making an unauthorized
withdrawal at the silver shop.
- Joanna,
find everything you can
on this Kootch guy
and his partners, okay?
- Oh, and while you're at it,
why don't you check out
little Miss Hot Pants
and, uh, Mr. Friendly Finley.
- Hmm.
- Cat, darling, let's go change.
Ha!
Hey, you got it.
Stay tuned, the H.E.A.T. team
will be back in a moment.
- 5,000's okay.
Hey, guys, we have a new client.
5,000 retainer and 20 more
when we find his goods.
- Maybe, uh, sooner
than you think.
- Wow.
Ooh!
Man, these guys
are world class scumbags.
- Leonard Irving Kootch.
Huh.
Says here he'd steal
his grandmother's pacemaker
if he got the right price
for it.
- Chelsea's clean.
Well, not pure, but not violent.
Finley's been arrested
nine times.
Peace demonstrations only.
- Perhaps then we should accept
Finley's invitation.
Go in the compound
and sniff around.
- It's nose around.
- You nose, I'll sniff.
See what we can find.
- That might spook 'em.
- That won't stop them
from another try.
They probably think they've got
diplomatic immunity
or something.
- Well, the compound
would be the perfect
center of operations.
- Of course.
- I had a whole bunch
of foster parents.
My last ones sat in front of
the TV in their EZ-Boy Chairs
eating pizza and drinking beer.
I never even saw them move.
- Finley Island.
We share everything.
- Not what's mine.
We're about done here.
It's time to bail out and unload
Finley at the same time.
- Yeah.
- My dad was pretty strong.
He used to tell me that life
was filled with stairs.
- Come on.
- You could go up
or you could go down.
- Oh, gee, that is really deep.
You're a very intelligent man.
And cute.
Smart and cute are hard to find.
Most guys, you wake up
in the morning,
they're hardly worth the shower.
- Hey.
That's the dirtbag
that hocked your ring.
The antique dealer picked out
his picture.
- Do you think
he's planning a robbery?
- He's not in there
planning a wedding.
Let's go in and talk
to the manager.
- So, we've got a window
over here, a window over here.
An entrance, everything.
What do you think,
do you like it?
- Yeah.
- Here he is, Kootch.
- Finley, my friend.
Just the man I wanted to see.
- There's no place
on Friendly Finley for weapons.
- Finley, have you ever
robbed a bank?
- Robbed a bank?
Of course not.
Well, there's always
a first time for everything,
lover boy.
Take this.
- I'm not lover boy.
And I don't touch guns.
- Well, take it or I'll blow
your brains out right here.
Get dressed, fast.
- Yeah?
- Tommy, we're catering
a surprise party
- and we need you.
- Okay, where?
- At the palapa,
you know, the palapa?
All right.
- Sir, aren't we taking a chance
giving Finley a gun?
You know, he couldn't hit
a Winnebago with a bazooka.
Besides, it's not loaded.
- Why give him one at all?
- It's time to shut down
the operation.
Give the cops someone
to hang it on.
During the heist,
he's a sitting duck.
Cops shoot him,
we get away clean.
Move it, lover boy.
- Oh, my God.
Now, Finley Fairfax,
you keep your gun
pointed on that guard.
You try any funny business,
you'll be the first one to drop.
- Okay, it's about to hit
the fan.
- It's Chelsea.
- Well, she picked a peachy time
to show up.
How dare you!
You bad boy!
How's that, Mr. Fong?
- Hey, girlfriend.
- Let's get out of here,
I got a run in my nylons.
- Listen, let's go shopping,
I don't like this dress
on you, you know?
- Mmm.
Can you believe it?
I wanted a more glamorous name.
I changed my name
to Chelsea Darling.
And now I'm going
to be his queen,
Mrs. Finley Fairfax.
- Wow, well, congratulations,
Your Highness.
- All my life, I thought
I'd end up with Roseanne.
And look what I've got.
My own Madonna.
- Well, good luck to you both.
- Yeah, we'll, uh,
come visit you on the island.
That's great.
- We're gonna miss you, Finley.
And you too, Mrs. Fairfax.
- My friends!
- Bye!
- Good luck!
- Congratulations!
- Come on, let's go!
- Oh, who caught the bouquet?
- Aw!
- Get that lipstick
off your face.
Gosh.
- Acapulco H.E.A.T.
- will be right back.
- Show me some teeth!
- Ha!
That was awesome, man.
That thing must weigh
350 pounds.
- I wish I had gone with you.
- Hey, well, next weekend
after I visit Finley
on his island paradise,
I'm taking him out fishing.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Huh?
- Oh, please.
This came for you
at the boutique.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got this at a swap meet.
This is what you call...
a collectible.
I only paid 100 bucks
for this thing.
The guy said in five years this
thing will be worth two or $300.
- Five years,
you double your money?
Oh, that's not a very good
investment.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's what a collectible is.
In ten years, this thing
could be worth 1,000 bucks.
- Ha!
- Oh, that's cute.
- Yeah, you like this?
- What is it?
- A collectible.
- Oh, wait until you see
what I got.
I'm so excited.
I cannot wait to show you this.
- Yeah?
What you got?
- I paid 50 bucks for it.
I just had it appraised
for $3,000.
"Acapulco H.E.A.T."...
- Hey!
- Ah!
Oh!
♪ Ah, can you feel it
♪ Burn inside
♪ Yeah
♪ Makin' me hazy
♪ Wet fingers touchin' mine
♪ Makin' me crazy
♪ Out on the street
♪ I feel the heat
♪ Deep in the darkest night
♪ I feel the motion
♪ Keep all my love alive
♪ Come to the ocean
♪ Out on the street
♪ I feel the heat
- Okay!
Ah!
- Oh!
- Hey!
The bank doesn't have enough
money for you guys.
You have to take mine?
Animal!
No, no, no!
Let her go, let her go!
- Not my ring.
- It's a family heirloom.
I'm mad, I'm really,
really mad now.
- Can't park here.
Hey, move along, move along.
Oh!
- Ah!
Damn it, Tommy, that's not fair.
- That is why you fail.
- I wasn't ready.
- Yeah?
Well, that's what happened
last time, you weren't ready.
We were getting knocked
all over the place
even though we were
the favorite... hey!
- In a pig's eye.
We lost because you were too
busy looking at that bimbo.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you think it's easy
trying to push somebody...
- Come on!
- while a dozen
screaming females
are trying to knock you
off balance.
- Tommy!
- You go ahead and try it.
You won't see how easy it is.
You see how easy it is.
I can tell you
the whole thing...
- Hey!
We've been robbed!
- What?
- Oh!
- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay.
- Well, what happened?
- They took our rent money.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
We have a serious problem.
- They took my ring.
- How are we gonna pay our rent?
- The ring that my grandmother
gave me.
- I haven't a clue.
- And next week's salaries.
- What do you think, Tommy?
- That ring
was a family heirloom.
- We're at a bank.
We can take out a loan.
- Oh, what, from the fat chance
department?
We are flat broke.
- It belonged to my
grandmother's aunt
on my mother's side.
- We got... salaries?
Did you say salaries?
Did you say salaries?
- Yeah.
- You let them
take our salaries?
- I did not let them
take anything.
Our salaries
were in the deposit bag
along with the rent money,
capisce?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, there goes
my new old truck.
- Can't eat a truck.
There goes food.
- My ring.
- My truck.
- You should've seen it, Kootch.
Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
Just like the Terminator.
Frankie?
- Yeah?
- Can I see your pistol, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- Why did you do that?
- Perfect bank job
and you gotta start
doing Arnold Schwarzenegger?
What did I tell you guys, huh?
No talking, no shooting.
- It was an accidence, Kootch.
My finger slipped.
- Because of your accident,
I had to shoot a guard.
Now, do you know what they do
here when you shoot someone, hm?
They return the favor
with a firing squad.
You see this?
This is what keeps us safe.
Look, we only have a few more
weeks to score for a lifetime.
- I'm sorry for my finger.
- Sorry don't get it done
and I'm three hours late.
Now, Chelsea flew in
this morning,
and I've gotta get to the hotel.
She's gonna have a fit.
- Yeah, what do you
want us to do
about the watches and jewelry?
- Let me see that stuff, huh?
Hey, yeah, this'll get me
out of the dog house.
- But it's fresh kill.
- No.
No, I bought it off
a tourist at the airport.
Needed airfare home.
- Works for me.
- Shut up and let me
do the thinking.
Now, you and Tito will unload
this stuff at the usual outlets.
Frankie, you stash the weapons.
- Sure, yeah.
- Oh, and Finley told me
this morning that the compound
has been awarded temporary
diplomatic status.
- Well, that means
we are diplomats.
Yep.
- Oh, yeah.
You just get a top hat
and taps, huh?
Now, remember, you guys are
supposed to be part of my staff.
That means you keep the peace
non-violently.
- What do you want us to do
if somebody gets out of line?
- Then you get 'em back in line.
You just do it without
busting their heads, got it?
- Busting heads,
I like that, very American.
- I'm gonna bust you in a minute
if you don't do
exactly what I say.
Finley Fairfax is a world-famous
peace activist.
He smells blood,
we lose our nest.
So, kiss his ass.
Be cool, don't make waves.
We have the perfect
hideout here,
not to mention
diplomatic immunity.
It's just too beautiful
for words.
- And you have Chelsea.
- And there's certain things
a man doesn't share.
- Playing caped crusader
again, huh?
- I was trying
to hide our deposit bag.
- I'm just glad you're not hurt.
I mean, not, like, hurt
really... really bad.
- You think you got
anything we can move on?
- Just the remote.
- Well, let's see.
We got three robbers
on the inside
and one outside
in the getaway car?
- That's correct.
They were wearing mask.
And they didn't talk,
they whistled.
- Whistled?
- Yes, whistled.
- They didn't say anything
at all, they just...
whistled.
- They said a lot,
but with whistles.
They signal each other.
One of them
was going to shoot me.
The leader stopped him
with a whistle.
- How do you know
he was the leader?
- Because he acted
like the leader.
He's the one who shot the guard,
and this much I know,
they were Americans.
- Come on, Nicole,
they were wearing masks.
And if they didn't talk,
how could you possibly know
they were Americans?
- Maybe they were whistling
"The Star Spangled Banner".
- Listen, people, we have
to get a paying client fast
or else we're gonna be
really poor.
- Yeah, I'll go talk
to the bank manager.
Come with me.
- I don't know how I know.
I just know I know.
And you know that
when I know, I know.
I want my ring back.
- I know.
- I don't suppose you have
a macrobiotic menu?
No, no, of course not.
Not economically feasible.
I must say, you have
an excessive amount
of meat on this menu.
No offense, I'm a vergan.
It's a true vegetarian.
We don't eat anything
that has a mother.
We're all hypocrites
because we eat plants.
Uh, plants may not have mothers,
but they do have feelings.
When I play Mozart,
my plants flourish.
But if I play Snoop Doggy Dogg,
they wither up and die.
They're just not
into gangster rap.
- Have you got the time?
Yes.
- Artistic selectivity aside,
we all have to compromise and
eat something or we... starve.
I think I'll have two mangoes
and a glass of breast juice.
I mean, uh...
Fresh juice.
Oh, my God, did you...
Did you see her?
- Hey, beautiful,
I'm sorry I'm late.
- You're four hours late and all
you can say is you're sorry?
- What do you want from me, huh?
Five Hail Marys?
Come on, cut me some slack.
The only reason I'm late
is 'cause I stopped
and got you a little gift.
- Yeah, sure.
- You're not even curious
as to what it might be?
Didn't even get a ring.
- Oh, Kootch, it's so cute.
- I give you a trinket
worth a few grand
and you call it cute.
- It's beautiful, Kootch,
it's really beautiful.
But he's still cute.
You know, we... we haven't seen
each other for weeks.
I thought you'd be,
you know, anxious.
- No, anxious
isn't even a word for it.
I'm salivating.
- You've been closing
a lot of deals?
- Left and right, Baby Cakes,
closed a big one this morning.
Come on.
- Where are we going, Kootch?
The rooms are back there.
- We're not staying
at the hotel, baby.
- Well, where are we staying?
- The compound.
- Compound?
It sounds like a prison.
- It's nice, it's sort of like
camping out under the stars.
- Oh, I'm not camping out
anywhere where
there's no room service.
- You're gonna like it,
it's very tropical.
- Well, what do you call
this place, Alaska?
- It's on the beach, okay?
- So is this!
Besides,
I can't leave the hotel.
I entered a tournament.
- Oh, for Christ sakes, Chelsea,
haven't you won
enough beauty contests?
- It's not a beauty contest.
It's a bikini joust.
I entered you too.
See, I get on your shoulders
while other girls ride
on other guys' shoulders,
and they try to knock me off.
The one left standing wins.
- I'm not believing this.
- Oh, come on, Kootch,
it'll be fun.
- You know, isn't it bad enough
I gotta carry you
around on my back?
Why should I lug you around
on my shoulders, huh?
- I'm staying at the hotel!
It's beautiful!
Oh!
- Hey!
Ah!
- Officer, over here!
A man's beating up a woman!
Get out of here!
- Are you okay, miss?
- I'm okay.
I'm fine, really.
Did you say the police
are coming?
- Well, they were all the way
on the other side of the lot,
but they ought to be here
any minute, unless, of course,
they see another mugging
on the way here.
- I need a drink.
- Maybe I should go with you...
in case you go into shock.
- Okay.
- I'm Finley Fairfax.
- Chelsea Darling, with a D.
- Chelsea with a D.
Well, that's catchy.
That's very regal.
You know, it's like royalty.
- Ohh...
- The leader was 5'8",
160 pounds.
The others were six feet
and 6'2", 180 to 200 pounds.
Age range, mid 20s to mid 30s.
- I didn't know you knew
how to do that.
I do it, too.
- What is it you do that I do
that I don't know that you do?
- Read auras.
My uncle Zoran... you remember
I told you about him?
He works in carnivals
guessing ages and weights.
He taught me how to read auras.
When I guess a person's age,
I am almost always
right on the nose.
Of course, you have
to understand, I mean,
technically speaking,
if you're reading auras,
you're not really guessing.
- Well, I don't know anything
about auras.
But I do know
how these men move.
Too mature for 20.
Too athletic for 40.
The bank is not signing off.
They're afraid of offending
the local constabulary.
- That's ridiculous.
Why should the police
be offended?
They know less than we do.
- Oh, I know.
Anyway, I got the best deal
I could.
The bank manager
did say that he would pay
for any information
we come up with.
- Listen, I checked with
INTERPOL.
No bank crews
that are whistlers.
- Likewise with the FBI.
- It appears we have
a new M.O.
- INTERPOL wants us
to keep them in the loop.
- Hey.
Did you describe them
my ring, huh?
- Yes, Nicole, I told them.
- Ooh, thank you.
- That means, round up
the usual suspects, huh?
- Joanna, down here there aren't
any usual suspects.
Because nobody, but nobody
is loony enough to rob a bank.
Just isn't done.
- Then Nicole was right.
- About what?
- You thought
they were Americans.
- Why not Europeans?
- The attitude had "Yank"
written all over it.
- Just chill
on the attitude for a bit.
Let's think about this
for a minute, okay?
Now, these guys,
they... they ripped off
all the customers in all
the banks, right?
- Right.
- Okay, well,
if they get caught with
those goods, it's a slam-dunk.
- Hmm.
Straight to jail.
Do not pass go
and do not collect $200.
- Yeah, those goods are so hot,
they're radioactive.
- God, I just hope
they're greedy enough
to hang on to them.
- I'll get a list
of personal items.
- Okay, so we split up the list.
We, uh, canvas pawn shops,
jewelry distributors,
antique stores, the works.
- Hey, maybe I get my ring back.
- When I first saw you,
I said to myself,
"There goes a movie star."
Have you been in any movies
I might've seen?
- Well, I've been
in lots of movies.
I don't know
if you watch adult content.
Some people don't, but my movies
are very, very artistic.
The sex scenes
are very, very tasteful.
None of that trash stuff.
I'm not into kinky,
if you know what I mean.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm, I love my Shirley Temple.
When I was in New York,
I went to some playhouse
and studied the method.
I learned how to be orgasmic.
You can't fake it.
They can tell, you know.
- I'm sure
you'd be very convincing.
- Well, I had this one fan,
you wouldn't believe it,
but there's a whole world
of adult fans out there
who said that I was the best
at fulfilling his fantasies.
Oh, I never knew anyone before
who owned a whole island.
- I have this dream...
ever since I was a kid.
I've always wanted to create
my own Shangri-La.
- Oh, I've been to that
restaurant!
I love Chinese food.
- Oh, no, this Shangri-La
is not so much a place
as it is an idea.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Did you know there are
110 armed conflicts
going on right now
around the world?
And 100 of them are civil,
which is really an oxymoron.
- My boyfriend says most
civilians are morons.
- These people...
they're ethnically
the same people.
They live in the same place,
and they're killing each other.
I mean, it's stupid.
- Oh, people should love
one another.
- Exactly.
That's why I bought my island so
that people can live in harmony
with no fighting, no violence.
- What's the name
of your island?
- I call it Friendly Finley.
- Ooh, I like that,
"Friendly Finley".
It has a nice ring to it.
It must be a nice,
peaceful place.
- Peaceful and crime free.
- So, tell me, how does it look?
- You never saw so much silver.
Once we get inside, you'll think
you died and gone to heaven.
Let's do it.
We'll be right back.
- Nicole, look at that ring.
We've got one like that
on our hot list.
- A gold ring, about ten karats.
- Looks about right.
Uh, Señor, can we have
a look at this ring, please?
- Hey!
You can deal with us
or the police.
Now, take your pick.
- Mmm, round, brilliant cut.
155 points.
A little more than ten karats.
Ooh, V-V-S-I.
- What?
- Very, very slight inclusion.
I'd say the color was a grade H.
Perhaps even a G.
This is a really nice stone,
Nicole.
Worth about 15,000.
- Joanna, how did you learn
how to do that?
- Oh, Aunt Fern.
She was a gem broker
from Antwerp.
- Your mother had two sisters
and two brothers.
Now, how is it possible that you
have so many aunts and uncles?
- Easy... between the four
of them,
they got married 32 times.
- That's incredible.
- We had a lot of love
in my family.
Wait, this is not on our list.
There's an engraving.
Hmm.
"To Max, from Mish.
Happy Hanukkah."
Gee, that is so sweet.
- All that on one ring?
- It's small print.
- I'm really sorry I'm late.
- Hey.
- Oh, what happened here?
- I fell.
- Well, I see you met
our world-famous peace activist.
- Come on, Kootch,
I'm not famous.
- Is this guy humble or what?
You're a great speaker.
You hooked me, didn't you?
I've got a great idea.
Why don't we take Chelsea here
and show her the compound?
- Would... would you like
to see it?
I'd... I'd really be honored.
It's... it's just down the beach
a little ways.
Uh, it's sort of
a holding place.
It's... it's temporary housing
for the new citizens
of Friendly Finley.
- It's a terrific place.
There's just no room service.
- So, how can you buy an island?
I didn't even know
they were for sale.
- Well, I didn't really buy it.
It's a 99-year lease.
- Oh!
So, when are you gonna move?
- Pretty soon.
We have some homesteading
procedures to work out first.
- Oh.
- Welcome. Welcome.
Just come right in.
It's nice to see you.
- Thank you.
- Everyone's welcome,
we'll find you a place.
- Thank you.
- Go right in.
- Say what you will,
but this real dork's
got a hell of a set-up.
Yeah, come on, baby.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah.
Elvis.
On black velvet.
I wanna buy this.
- Are you completely
out of your gourd?
- Why, what...
What's wrong with it?
- God, what's wrong with it?
Velvet paintings went out
with lava lamps.
That thing's pure junk,
it's not worth a dime, Tommy.
Hey, look at this.
- What?
- Isn't this Nicole's ring?
What do you got for me, man?
- A couple more details.
You're gonna love this.
It's a silver shop.
One guard, easy half million.
- Looks like a piece of cake.
- Yeah, just...
- Hi!
- Hi!
- I was hoping
you'd do me a favor.
- Sure, if I can.
- Kootch and I
have entered a contest.
It's a charity event.
But Kootch can't make it,
so I was hoping you would take
his place.
- What do I have to do?
- Oh, you won't have to do
hardly anything.
Just let me mount you,
then I do all the work.
You're gonna love it.
- 103, 104, 105, 106...
- All right, already, all right.
- Okay.
Feeling good, huh?
So, how does it look, huh?
- I couldn't get even money.
- Well, what did we give up?
- Three to two.
- That means we have to bet
three to win two.
That's not good.
- Not good?
Hell, it's a rip-off.
- It's the best I could do.
- No doubt because of your
sterling performance last year.
- What? We lost.
- I know.
- You were good, but you see,
you were not focused.
- And just because
you're in boob heaven,
does not give you the reason
to get distracted.
- You have to stay focused,
Tommy.
- Don't worry about it,
all right?
Stay focused, stay focused.
- Oh...
Oh, call a medic.
Tommy's eyeballs
just sprung a leak.
- Hmm, hmm.
They switched our numbers.
I'm Chelsea Darling.
See, I'm number 69.
- You're Tommy and Cat, right?
See, you guys are number 96.
69 and 96.
All right, everybody,
into the pool, we're starting.
- 69, 96.
Yes.
- 69, hmm.
- Okay, girls.
- Let's do it!
- Okay.
Fight! Get 'em!
Stop!
- Oh!
- God, Tommy!
- You did good.
- You gave it your best.
- You were focused.
- Even when that redhead lost
her bra, it didn't distract you.
- No, no, no,
where is the redhead?
I didn't see no redhead.
- That's because
you were focused.
- Hi!
I wanted to make sure
you guys were all right.
- Yeah, we're fine.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Chelsea.
It's Chelsea Darling, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- And Mr. Darling,
congratulations.
- No, no, I'm Finley Fairfax.
I was just substituting
for Mr. Darling.
I mean Kootch.
- Kootch.
- Lennie Kootch,
he's my boyfriend.
He couldn't make it.
He had an important
business engagement.
So, Finley agreed to take
his place.
- What business
is Mr. Kootch in?
- Oh, he's a money broker,
which I don't really understand
at all.
I mean, how can he buy
and sell money?
Doesn't make sense.
- Well, I bet that keeps him
really busy.
- If you only knew.
- Finley! You're the man
who owns the island,
and you have a compound
down on the beach.
- You ought to come by
for a visit.
I'll show you around.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Oh, hey, did you see it?
- What, that... that brooch?
What about it?
- I saw the same one
at the bank.
- The lizard brooch?
It's on our hot list.
- Yeah? When?
We'll be right there.
They just hit the silver shop
at the plaza.
- And Kootch wasn't here.
You think it was coincidence?
- Well, why should it be?
I mean, you heard what she said.
- He had a business engagement.
- Yeah, making an unauthorized
withdrawal at the silver shop.
- Joanna,
find everything you can
on this Kootch guy
and his partners, okay?
- Oh, and while you're at it,
why don't you check out
little Miss Hot Pants
and, uh, Mr. Friendly Finley.
- Hmm.
- Cat, darling, let's go change.
Ha!
Hey, you got it.
Stay tuned, the H.E.A.T. team
will be back in a moment.
- 5,000's okay.
Hey, guys, we have a new client.
5,000 retainer and 20 more
when we find his goods.
- Maybe, uh, sooner
than you think.
- Wow.
Ooh!
Man, these guys
are world class scumbags.
- Leonard Irving Kootch.
Huh.
Says here he'd steal
his grandmother's pacemaker
if he got the right price
for it.
- Chelsea's clean.
Well, not pure, but not violent.
Finley's been arrested
nine times.
Peace demonstrations only.
- Perhaps then we should accept
Finley's invitation.
Go in the compound
and sniff around.
- It's nose around.
- You nose, I'll sniff.
See what we can find.
- That might spook 'em.
- That won't stop them
from another try.
They probably think they've got
diplomatic immunity
or something.
- Well, the compound
would be the perfect
center of operations.
- Of course.
- I had a whole bunch
of foster parents.
My last ones sat in front of
the TV in their EZ-Boy Chairs
eating pizza and drinking beer.
I never even saw them move.
- Finley Island.
We share everything.
- Not what's mine.
We're about done here.
It's time to bail out and unload
Finley at the same time.
- Yeah.
- My dad was pretty strong.
He used to tell me that life
was filled with stairs.
- Come on.
- You could go up
or you could go down.
- Oh, gee, that is really deep.
You're a very intelligent man.
And cute.
Smart and cute are hard to find.
Most guys, you wake up
in the morning,
they're hardly worth the shower.
- Hey.
That's the dirtbag
that hocked your ring.
The antique dealer picked out
his picture.
- Do you think
he's planning a robbery?
- He's not in there
planning a wedding.
Let's go in and talk
to the manager.
- So, we've got a window
over here, a window over here.
An entrance, everything.
What do you think,
do you like it?
- Yeah.
- Here he is, Kootch.
- Finley, my friend.
Just the man I wanted to see.
- There's no place
on Friendly Finley for weapons.
- Finley, have you ever
robbed a bank?
- Robbed a bank?
Of course not.
Well, there's always
a first time for everything,
lover boy.
Take this.
- I'm not lover boy.
And I don't touch guns.
- Well, take it or I'll blow
your brains out right here.
Get dressed, fast.
- Yeah?
- Tommy, we're catering
a surprise party
- and we need you.
- Okay, where?
- At the palapa,
you know, the palapa?
All right.
- Sir, aren't we taking a chance
giving Finley a gun?
You know, he couldn't hit
a Winnebago with a bazooka.
Besides, it's not loaded.
- Why give him one at all?
- It's time to shut down
the operation.
Give the cops someone
to hang it on.
During the heist,
he's a sitting duck.
Cops shoot him,
we get away clean.
Move it, lover boy.
- Oh, my God.
Now, Finley Fairfax,
you keep your gun
pointed on that guard.
You try any funny business,
you'll be the first one to drop.
- Okay, it's about to hit
the fan.
- It's Chelsea.
- Well, she picked a peachy time
to show up.
How dare you!
You bad boy!
How's that, Mr. Fong?
- Hey, girlfriend.
- Let's get out of here,
I got a run in my nylons.
- Listen, let's go shopping,
I don't like this dress
on you, you know?
- Mmm.
Can you believe it?
I wanted a more glamorous name.
I changed my name
to Chelsea Darling.
And now I'm going
to be his queen,
Mrs. Finley Fairfax.
- Wow, well, congratulations,
Your Highness.
- All my life, I thought
I'd end up with Roseanne.
And look what I've got.
My own Madonna.
- Well, good luck to you both.
- Yeah, we'll, uh,
come visit you on the island.
That's great.
- We're gonna miss you, Finley.
And you too, Mrs. Fairfax.
- My friends!
- Bye!
- Good luck!
- Congratulations!
- Come on, let's go!
- Oh, who caught the bouquet?
- Aw!
- Get that lipstick
off your face.
Gosh.
- Acapulco H.E.A.T.
- will be right back.
- Show me some teeth!
- Ha!
That was awesome, man.
That thing must weigh
350 pounds.
- I wish I had gone with you.
- Hey, well, next weekend
after I visit Finley
on his island paradise,
I'm taking him out fishing.
- Okay.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Huh?
- Oh, please.
This came for you
at the boutique.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got this at a swap meet.
This is what you call...
a collectible.
I only paid 100 bucks
for this thing.
The guy said in five years this
thing will be worth two or $300.
- Five years,
you double your money?
Oh, that's not a very good
investment.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's what a collectible is.
In ten years, this thing
could be worth 1,000 bucks.
- Ha!
- Oh, that's cute.
- Yeah, you like this?
- What is it?
- A collectible.
- Oh, wait until you see
what I got.
I'm so excited.
I cannot wait to show you this.
- Yeah?
What you got?
- I paid 50 bucks for it.
I just had it appraised
for $3,000.