Acapulco H.E.A.T. (1998–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Code Name: Sister Soothsayer - full transcript

Tonight on "Acapulco Heat"...

Let him go!

♪ Ah, can you feel it

♪ Burnin' inside?

♪ Yeah

♪ Sweat

♪ Drippin' down my spine

♪ Makin' me hazy

♪ Wet

♪ Fingers touchin' mine

♪ Makin' me crazy



♪ I'm on the street

♪ I feel the heat

♪ Deep

♪ In the darkest night

♪ I feel the motion

♪ Keep

♪ All my love alive

♪ Come to the ocean

♪ Out on the street

♪ I feel the heat

- Lavinia, you are amazing.

- Five minutes with the man,
I had his entire menu.

- Three million
in negotiable bonds,

ooh, that is excellent work.



- It was his orange aura.

The minute I saw it,
I realized we had a prime patsy.

I think he would have given you

the combination to his safe
if you asked for it.

Bankers with orange auras
are too gullible

to handle
other people's finances.

The man's a financial hazard.

- I think we should celebrate.

Champagne and lunch on me,
sister.

- Great.

Let's go.

- Let him go!

- No! Lavinia!

No!
- Aah!

- Let go! Lavinia!

- Sam!

Sam!

- Come on!
Hurry and get him in here!

Sam!

Uhh!

Sam!

- Impact bullets?

- We bust our stones every month

to pay the lease
on Joanna's equipment,

and we're still out
on our keisters

unless we come up
with five or six thousand?

- Well, we have a choice.

We can decide whether to eat
or not.

- And I thought
we used to have headaches

on the old H.E.A.T. team.

Well, the coalition always paid,

but they also checked
our expense receipts.

- My uncles also were tight,

but, all right,
we need a client, fast.

- Like yesterday.

- Only yesterday,
we were only broke.

Hi.

You, uh, waiting
for the hotel shuttle?

- Yes, I am.
- Well, so am I.

I mean, I'm...
on the way to the Marriot Hotel.

I was wondering
if you'd like a lift.

- Oh, I would love one.
You are so sweet.

I'm late for a show.

- A show?

- Yes. I'm a lingerie model.

- Oh, okay.

Don't worry. It's just a little
temperamental, but, uh...

it will start right up.

- Margaritas?
Or another mile?

- Margaritas, no.
Champagne, oui.

Ooh.

Well, we have enough
for two beers.

- Champagne, no.

Beer, oui.

- We're so fickle.

That too.

I don't know what
we're going to do!

We're missing
our ferocious animal prints!

Our red hot chili pepper bras!

Half the Caesar babydolls
didn't arrive,

not to mention our
"happy birthday" musical thongs!

God knows
where the hell they are!

And my girls!

Where are all my girls?!

I can't open the show
with just two girls!

What?! You think this
is PG-rated?!

- Oh, Joanna's alone.
I'd better go give her a hand.

I'll be right back.

- Hurry before she gives away
the store.

- Stop that man!
He stole my purse!

Somebody stop him!
- Ohh!

- Stop that man!
- You!

- Stop that man!
He stole my purse!

- Uhh! I'm sorry.
- Jerk!

- Hey!

That's my purse.

Yeah, I know
it's not really my color,

but I'd like to have it back,
if, uh, I could.

- Uhh!

- Ugh!

- Aah!

- Uhh!

- Ohh!

- What are we gonna do?

I mean,
we have absolutely no money.

- Hold down the fort.
I've got an idea.

- What is she getting us into?

- What worries me
is he understands her.

- Half his stuff was sent
to Puerto Rico by mistake,

so tonight is "Colors of Cancun
Luxury and Bikini" show,

courtesy of Acapulco H.E.A.T.

- Well, this oughta keep
the wolves from our door,

at least for a while.

- Oh, thank god!
I don't know how to thank you.

- You don't have to,
but think about it, anyhow.

- I hope
you wouldn't be offended

if I offered you
some kind of a reward.

Please, don't.

You see... you'll ruin
my oath of poverty.

No, of course not.

- I'm Lavinia Ohman.

- I'm Tommy Chase.

- Tommy. I really shouldn't
ask you this...

You've been so kind already...

I wonder if you might give me
a ride

to a place called Acapulco...
H.E.A.T. Beach Fashions.

Do you know it?

- Know it?
- That's where I'm headed.

That's quite a coincidence.

- Coincidence?

No, it's fate.

And my E.S.P.
I have those powers.

- Uh, that's... great.

Because I'm having a little
trouble with my truck starting.

- Oh, I'm sure it will now.

It wouldn't dare not start.

- Great! Animal prints!
That's what I need.

Thank you. Give it to Clooney.

Oh, yes! Please,
please give it to him.

The red! All red goes.
Thank you.

Yes! Uh, yes. Yes, yes, yes,
everything.

- This is Lavinia Almond,
and she needs our help.

- Ohman. O-H-M-A-N.

The name was given to me
by my spirit adviser,

but please call me Lavinia.

I can't tell you how kind
and gallant this man has been.

Oh, we know.

Tommy's very, um, gallant.

- How can we help you, Lavinia?

- I want you to find my brother,
Sam Beacher. He's missing.

- Missing? Oh, you mean like
the kids on the milk carton?

- He was kidnapped
six months ago.

- Six months ago?
Wasn't there any ransom demand?

- Unfortunately, there wasn't.

- I'm sorry,
but he may not be alive still.

- He's alive, all right.

I'm absolutely positive of that.

I saw him.
- Where?

- Here...
in Puerto Vallarta.

- But... you just got here.

- I saw him quite clearly.

I saw palm trees, beaches.

I saw this boutique,
Acapulco H.E.A.T. Fashions.

And I saw coconuts.

- Yeah, well...
coconuts, we got.

- I had a vision,
overpowering and crystal clear.

- You're psychic?

She's a psychic!

I am blessed
with certain powers.

I must tell you, at the moment,

I am experiencing
the most incredible vibrations.

The auras in this boutique
are awesome!

Absolutely awesome!

- We are a little overbooked
at the moment.

- Tsk.

- Oh, I am prepared
to be generous.

- How generous?

- $10,000.

- Hey, uh, cou-could you just
excuse us for a minute, please?

She's out of her tree house.

- So she has a leaky pen.
So what?

- Yeah, but she's talking about,
like, a vision.

- Well, how do you know
it's not accurate?

- Possibly,
you could tell us more

about where you saw
your brother?

- Yes, I can.
It was near a church.

- There! You see?

We have lots of churches
in Puerto Vallarta.

- Now, what did I do
with my checkbook?

Oh, I hope a thousand in cash
and a check for 9,000

will be acceptable.

Oh, Tommy, I wouldn't drive
your truck today if I were you.

You're going to have
an accident.

- Are you okay?
- Uh-huh.

- You just ran over
my fruit stand!

Why don't you look
where you're driving the car?!

What is this?!
Fix that fruit stand!

- Yeah.

- When do you
get your truck back?

- I don't.

I had to junk it.

- How do you total a truck
running into a fruit stand?

They're made out of bamboo
and palm leaves.

- What's the big deal?
I drive dispensable trucks.

What did you find out?

- Well, there's no question
Sam was kidnapped.

There were scores of witnesses.

Florida state police are
sending us a copy of his file.

- Yeah, I checked the bank
accounts and his credit cards,

and there was no withdrawals or
deposits in the past six months.

- And that ties in with what
the Florida police told me.

They're pretty sure Sam's dead.

- Why would the kidnappers
kill him?

It's not sensible.
There is no payoff.

- But the police theory is that
they didn't intend to kill him,

that maybe he got killed
trying to get away

or maybe he died
of a heart attack.

- That would explain
why there's no ransom demand.

- The only proof that we have
that Sam is still alive

is Lavinia's...
How would you say,

uh, vision.

Ha! How's that for proof, huh?

She was right
about your accident

and the bunch of made up
pictures

of what Sam might look like.

- Well, we might get lucky.

I gotta go work
the lingerie show,

so why don't you guys
canvas the town?

- Uh, no, no, I got...

I got roped into helping
with the show too.

- I'm so sorry for you.

Try not to strain an eyeball.

- Uhh!

Hey. Hi.

You remember me? Tommy.

I was gonna give you a ride
to the...

- Oh, yes, I remember you.

Hey, listen, you were so sweet.

Oh, by the way,
how's your truck?

I hope it healed.

- Uh... it died.

Buried.

But, say,
listen, maybe after the show,

we could wake it, you know?
Prayer, a tear or two.

- I'd love to.

- Yeah? You... Yeah?
Great! Great!

Well, I'll tell you what,
there's a, um,

a bar downtown called No Name.
Say 4:00?

- Okay, I'll see you then.

- All right, good.

Yes!

- No.

- Any luck?

- No. How 'bout you?

- Me neither.

I don't think we're using
the right picture.

- Lavinia said
it looked just like him.

- You know,
when my sister was acting,

she used to have
these composite pictures that...

- Your sister was an actress?

- Yeah, but she only did it
for, like, just a little while.

- Well, has she done something
I would have seen?

- Did you see "Forrest Gump"?

- She was in "Forrest Gump"?
That's my favorite movie.

- Okay, you know when-when
he's getting the Medal of Honor

and she comes running
across the water

yelling "Forrest! Forrest!"

- Of course. She was
at the Washington Monument.

- Yeah. Well, she
was in the crowd,

but you could see her
really clear.

She was yelling,
jumping up and down,

she was chewing gum.

I'll show you sometime.

Anyway, um,
she would have these pictures

that would have four shots
on them

and-and she would look
completely different

in each one.

Wow, the enticing garter gown.

And here we go.

A luscious top
of black and white lace.

Very sexy and sensuous.

♪ ... Yeah...

Thank you.

Thank you.

And a babydoll.

Sheer white and sheer fun,
very sexy.

And last our bikini,

white and foxy.

And very sensual.

How do you think I know
of my past lives?

Thank you.

Forgive me, father,
for I have sinned.

You're gonna need this.

- Lavinia.

- She's here.

She's hired some people
to find you.

They call themselves
Acapulco H.E.A.T.

- They any good?

- They're very good.

They're also very broke.

- I think it's time
we moved to higher ground.

- The apartment?

- Mmm.

Now, my child,

what was it you said
a moment ago?

Something about sinning,
I believe?

- Mm-hmm.

Tommy!

Tommy!

Tommy!

- I've seen this guy before.

The priest.

I'm telling you, this is him.
This is the...

the priest that ruined my truck.

- Lavinia said that
she saw her brother by a church.

- Monsignor Raphael,
have you seen this priest?

- Uh...

Oh. Yeah.

- Maybe he had an urgent call
from the bishop.

We'll be right back.

- There's no question about it.
That is Sam.

- I don't understand.
If Mr. Beacher was...

kidnapped, why did he run away?

- What do you mean,
ifhe was kidnapped?

- She means, why doesn't
he act like a kidnap victim?

- Masquerading as a priest.

- Running people off the road.

- And what is a priest doing

driving a convertible?

- He wasn't driving.

- Yeah, he wasn't.

So, who was that spicy blonde
behind the wheel, huh?

Mother Teresa?

- A spicy blonde nun?

- This kidnapping was a hoax.

- A hoax?

- Just before he was abducted,

you and Sam withdrew three
million in negotiable bonds

in an orphaned account.

A perfectly legal transaction.

- Wait, why? What-What's
an orphaned account?

- Abandoned accounts
without known heirs or estates.

What happened to the bonds?

- I suppose
the kidnappers have them.

- Well, how 'bout this scenario:
Sam faked his own kidnapping

so he could acquire the bonds
for himself.

- That's ridiculous.
I was there.

He was kidnapped
right in front of my eyes.

Maybe he doesn't know
what he's doing...

or who he is. He could be
suffering from amnesia.

He could be delusional.

- I'd buy delusional.
It runs in the family.

Look, you show up
with all this kinky stuff

about psychic visions
and past lives and...

purple auras...
- Orange.

- Orange, pink, chartreuse,
who cares?!

The point is,
what are we supposed to think?

- I don't care what you think!

I love my brother,

and I know he's in
some kind of trouble.

Now, I paid you good money...

to find him,

and I expect you to do your job.

- She's right. He could
have been hit on the head

and has absolutely no idea
who he is.

- All right, all right, maybe
I was a little hard on her.

- We always look
at the worst side of things.

I'm always distrusting people.
- Me too.

- Maybe she really was a nun,
who... rented a convertible.

- They had to rent that car.

Joanna, can you access
the rental agencies?

Wait. Go backwards.

That's it.

- A Chrysler convertible rented
to Villa del Mundo, Limited.

And that's today's date.

- "Villa of the World."

That's an agency
that rents villas, isn't it?

- That rents villas, yeah.
Uh, Joanna?

- I'm on it.

- While you're at it, uh,
rent us a car.

Like we can afford it.

Tommy!
We found him.

- Yeah, found who?

- Sam. We traced him to a villa
about an hour's drive from here.

Well, come on.
We need you.

No. I can't leave.

I got a meeting.

Well, it's a date, but...

You get a couple of smiles
from miss sugar lumps,

and you think
you're gonna get lucky?

- Hey, the looks she's been
giving me...

she's ready.

Believe me, I know women.

- What you know about women
wouldn't stuff an olive,

but, hey, if you want to stay
here and play kissy-face

with Miss June, I...
June? April?

Well, whatever her name is,
you go right ahead.

We'll just have to give
Lavinia back her $10,000.

- Hey, come here.

- Yes, sir.

Tell April
I had an emergency, okay?

- Okay.

- Buy her a few drinks.

I, uh, look, just...

do what you can
to make her happy, all right?

- Sure.

- Ah, ah.

Tell her I'll call her.

- Ah.

You know how this turns me on.

- Ooh, you are such a strumpet.

- Lucky you.

You're really amazing,

converting three million
into 20 million in six months.

- Mmm, it's not a done deal yet.

Not until the exchange is made.

- You worried about the feds
or Lavinia?

The feds...

they haven't had
an original thought

since they were toilet trained.

No, it's my, uh,
darling sister...

- We're ready for her.

- Uh, maybe.

But never take Lavinia
for granted.

There isn't a grifter operating
today that can touch her.

Except you.

- Of course.

I taught her everything
she knows.

- But not everything youknow.

Let's get rid of this.

Now I've got my man back.

- Oh, yeah?

And what do you intend
to do with him?

- Thank you.

- Allons-y!

- What'd she say?

She said, "Let's go."

- Wait! Let me come with you!

- Don't worry. We'll bring
your brother home safe.

- They found him.

Oh, and double the number.

We're going to need all the help
we can get.

Listen... "Ramiro."
- Yes?

- How would you like
to make $500?

All you have to do
is make a phone call.

When and where
is written in here.

- We should be about
a half a mile from the villa.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is this, a roadblock?

- All right, all right,
all right.

- Just stay cool.

- "Let me do the speaking."

- The talking.

- Right on time.

This is ridiculous.

Easy, tough guy.

What is going on here?

Pepe...

- What do you want?

- Come over here.
- We found something.

- What is this, cocaine?

You people are in big trouble.

We've been sandbagged.

You're gonna have
to come with us.

- Hey! We want to call
our embassy!

- God! Your breath!

- Bastard!

- Uhh!

- Uhh!

- Yeah.

- I'm okay.

Okay, it's pop quiz time.

I want to know who set us up.

My money's on Lavinia.

- But why?
- Who else could it be?

- What about her brother?

He saw us at the church.

He knew we were after him.

- Well, we could be a case
of bad timing,

showing up when he's getting
ready to cash in the bonds.

- If we're locked up,
we're no threat.

But we've gotta figure on
a way out,

'cause I don't like the way
Godzilla was looking at me.

- Did you see that man's arms?
They looked like fence posts.

- Forget his arms. It's his
breath you gotta worry about.

- Well, whatever, you guys,

we can figure on a return visit,
that's for sure.

- Ugh!

Uhh!

Good job!

- Uhh!

- Get him over here!

Get him over here, come on!

Get his keys!

Uhh! He's got my hair!

- This should cover their bail.

- So, monsieur,
you're responsible for this?

- I'm sorry. I apologize
for any inconveniences

that you've suffered.

Well...

my apologies for not accepting
your apologies, mister!

Why'd you set us up?

- I had to talk to you.

I need to hire your services.

- For what?
- To protect me...

from my sister Lavinia.

We'll be right back.

- I want to be sure
to get this clear.

You and your fiancée...

- Mona.

- You and Mona never intended
to keep the bonds?

- Absolutely not.

You expect us to believe that?

Look, for the last 10 years,
you and your wacko sister

have been conning people
out of their money.

You're thieves!

- We prefer the term grifter.

Sam has turned over a new leaf.

His entire life is now devoted
to his charity work.

- Charity work?

- When Mona and I met,

she pointed out the-the error
of my ways,

the sinful life I was leading.

She turned my life
completely around,

and I owe her a great deal.

She's a saint, isn't she?

Lavinia has this channeling
routine she uses.

I mean, you should see
her performance,

it's absolutely tour de force.

Performance?

Lavinia's a fake?

- A fake? That-that's
just a strong word.

She has laser-sharp instincts.
Let me give you an example:

She once put Mr. Mazleton,
the bank manager,

in touch with his dearly
departed mother.

It was simply a matter
of a few readings,

and she had a coded password
to an account.

- What is the point...
of stealing the bonds

if you're just gonna return 'em?

- I used the bonds
to collateralize

on certain stock options.

- The stocks split
several times.

Sam made a huge profit.

- Which I set up in a trust fund

for an international food
cooperative to feed the poor.

- I negotiated agreement
with the bank

that we would return the bonds
in an exchange

for a dismissal of all the
criminal charges against Sam.

- Mona can be, uh...

very persuasive.

- What about Lavinia.
- Ah, there's the rub.

See, I knew that she would never
agree to return the bonds,

so I arranged my abduction.

- So your sister couldn't
get her hands on them.

- Exactly. I-I sent her
a finder's fee, $150,000.

I should have known that that
would never have satisfied her.

- That's how she found us.

- We crisscrossed wire transfers

through a dozen different banks
around the world.

Lavinia's very resourceful,

and she traced the transfer here
to its origin.

- Well, what is it you want
from us?

- A bank courier
is arriving today

with the legal release
from prosecution.

We'd like you to supervise
the exchange.

- What do you think, guys?
You got a problem with that.

- Isn't it a conflict
of interest?

How could it be?

We did exactly what Madam
Dipstick wanted us to do.

Tommy's right.

Lavinia hired us to find Sam.
We did that.

- Look, Lavinia's dirty.

We help Sam, the money goes back
to where it belongs.

It's the right thing to do.

- Hmm. Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- She's not in the hotel,
and no one's seen her for hours.

- That's not a good sign.

- Ah. Did you get us a car?

- Eh? What do you think?

Nice, huh?

- What is it?

- It's my truck.

All it need's a little paint,
new seat covers.

- Yeah. Toiletseat covers.

Pfft.

- The bank's courier is meeting
us at the wharf.

Uh, Tommy, Joanna will go
with you, Sam and Mona with us.

- All right.

- Oh, and, uh...
try to keep up.

- You've earned your money.

They're coming.

Keep on your toes.
They're going to expect trouble.

They're here.

- Get down, get down, get down.

- Uhh!

- Aah!

- Uhh! Oh! Oh!

- Stop, or else she's dead!

- Aah!

- Oh!

- Yes?

Okay.

Your bank's courier is waiting
for us in the port's office.

- Well, where is he?

- Right there.

- Oh, Mr. Beacher.

I'm pleased to see you made it
safe and sound.

- Here are your bonds,
and they are safe and sound.

- And your affidavit,
notarized and official.

Congratulations.

- Boy...

do you know women.

Stay tuned. The H.E.A.T. team
will be right back.

- Well, I hope they're not
too hard on Lavinia.

After all, she did help us.

- She was able to make a deal
on the local charges.

She's on her way back
to Florida.

- Yeah, we got a great thank-you
note for the donation.

Homeless Children of Rio
will be very grateful.

- I hope we didn't
make a mistake,

donating most of our fee
to Sam's food charity.

- Oh, it's no big deal.

We still have the 10,000
Lavinia gave us.

- Uh... that is,
unless the check bounced.

It went through four banks...

before it made it.

It was good.
The check was good.

- We still have the cash
she sent us.

- Yeah, 1,000 bucks.
Green.

- Uh, you'd better give it
to me...

so I'll put it in the bank.

- It's just paper.

- We've been scammed.

I can't believe this.

We've been scammed. Ugh!

- By the best.