Absolutely Fabulous (1992–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Fashion - full transcript

# Rolling down the road

# Best notify my next of kin

# This wheel shall explode

Panic attack,
panic attack, panic attack!

God!

Health, health, health, darling!

- Washing machine.
- That's absolutley right, sweetie.

Feeling great I expect this morning are you?

Fabulous, darling.

Oh God! Patsy can put it away
can't she sweety?

Oh God! Stop looking at me like that, sweetie!



What do I have to do to convince you

I had one bloody drink, sweetie!

You know are you accusing me of something?

Have you looked in the mirror this morning?
Your eye bags are rouged.

- What are you eating there?
- Toast.

- What is that on the toast?
- It's honey, Mother.

Honey? That's not honey, that's my
bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie.

Good God, you are eating 300 pounds
worth of royal jelly, darling.

It's been hand-squished
out of a bee's backside.

And not any old bloody bee,
but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling.

This is the stuff that Jackie Stallone
would kill for this, darling.

That's better.

- Make me a cup of coffee,darling.
- You know where it is, make it yourself.

- I don't know where it bloody is, do I?
- Please don't swear.



Sweetie, make mum a cup of coffee.

You're so clever and you know
where everything is darling, don't you?

I think it's marvellous the way
you know where everything is. You're marvellous.

Flattery won't turn me into your servant.
The coffee is in front of you.

Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup,
pour on boiling water.

Scald hands, get third-degree burns,
scream in agony...

Do you really want that
on your conscience this morning?

- Alright...
- Thank you, sweetheart.

No, not instant, darling, not instant.

Grind some beans, for God's sake.

Instant coffee is just old beans that
have been cremated. I don't want them.

I want them entire
with life force today.

Could you not pull that face
while you grind?

I don't really want to drink
a cup full of your anger.

Anyway, I shouldn't be drinking coffee.
I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee

I don't want any coffee, throw it away,.
I don't want any bloody coffee!

I just wanted some
fennel twig tea or something.

Look at the time, sweetie.
I should be in the office!

Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie!
Tell them my car hasn't arrived,

there's traffic door-to- door
and I'm not well!

Hello? My mother's sitting here
in her dressing gown...

it's just me, darling. "Dressing gown",
sha knows nothing about fashion.

Now listen, sweetie.

I'm literally out of the door
when my bloody car turns up,

and I'm managing to
keep a lid on things this end alright?

I know you can manage that end,
Bubble darling, alright?

I'm chanting as we speak.
Bye-bye, darling.

You're not a Buddhist,
you wouldn't understand.

Mum, you did it for a week,
which admittedly for you is a record.

It's not a fad, darling.
It's not like crystals.

please, stop it!

Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you
knew how much we owe to my chanting darling.

This house wouldn't be here, darling.
I chanted for this gorgeous house!

I chanted to be successful
and believe in myself.

Please let me make some more money
so I can buy Saffron books and a car.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!

In Buddhist obviously...
not in English, when I do it properly.

- What is it, some sort of cosmic cash machine?
- Oh God!

could you try not being so cynical today.
Today I need just a little bit of bloody support.

Why is today such a panic, anyway?

It's only a fashion show
and you've had six months to prepare it.

Why is everything
always so hysterical?

All you've got to do
is play a bit of music, turn on the lights,

get some people
who have thrown up everything they've ever eaten

and send them down a catwalk.

Greater feats have been achieved
in less time and with less fuss.

Not quite with it, darling, are you?

Major motion pictures are made,
huge concerts are put on in stadiums...

I mean for God's sake, 500,000 troops
were mobilised in the Gulf,

a war fought and won in less time, without
everyone involved having a nervous breakdown

and being sent flowers.
It can't be that difficult.

Darling, every troop didn't have to
contain Yasmin Le Bon.

The generals didn't require "big hugs"
after every manoeuvre,

and the whole operation
did not have to be co-ordinated

to rap and
Japanese avant-garde pipe music.

Because I think if it had, the outcome
might have been rather different, don't you?

mmm?

Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm going to go and get dressed.

Forgot to ring Chukhani. He was
going to channel a colour for me today.

Chukhani, it's Edina.
Green. Thank you, darling.

Don't look at me like that.
There's more to it.

- Of course, there is. The bill.
- Sweetie, sweetie.

He doesn't just choose the colour...
Listen,cause you might learn something now.

He doesn't just choose
the colour himself, darling.

It is related to who I was
in a previous existence.

And who was it you were
in a previous life?

I suppose you were
the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty?

Well close, yes.

So how come you've ended up just
a mad, fat, old cow?

Will you stop saying that word "fat"?

Stop it, now! Stop it!

I know you're only saying it
to annoy me. Aren't you, darling?

No, I'm saying it because it's true...

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God...

What happened, then?

Why do you have to pick on everything I do?
All I want are a few little things,

a few little pleasures, a few little crutches
to help me get through life, darling.

Get through? Mum, you've
absolved yourself of responsiblity.

You live from self-induced crisis
to self-induced crisis.

Someone does your hair,someone chooses
what you wear,someone does your brain,

someone tells you what to eat,
and three times a week

someone sticks a hose up your bum
and flushes it all out of you.

It's called colonic irrigation, darling.
It's not to be sniffed at.

Why can't you just go to the toilet
like normal people?

Is that what you really want me to be darling, normal?
Some boring, old, normal old toilet goer?

hmmm?

"Where's Mummy?".
"She's on the toilet. "

"But I want to go to somewhere interesting
and meet exciting people. "

"well she can't take you because she's on the bloody toilet. "

well anybody can go to the toilet, they say.

well they obviously,
haven't seen you drunk...

What do you mean by that remark?

Can I just say thank you,
bloody thank you,

so stop doing that now!

Thank you so bloody much
for giving me such a lot of support

on this bloody important day...

darling a lot of daughters might have
offered to come with me and help, but no, not you.

You've probably got something rather
interesting to listen to on Radio 4 have you?...

...or some new exhibit of test-tubes
at the Science Museum to go and see.

It doesn't matter,
I'll just go on my own.

There's a little party afterwards,you know darling,

but i'll probably just go on my own to that
as well, shall i?

- No.
- Oh Come on, darling. Sweetheart...

It's your drama-you act in it.
I won't be your accessory.

"What should i wear
the daughter with the Dior?".

"Oh look at Edina isn't she marvellous and she's got
a family, I don't know how she does it. How clever!"

- Time of the month, darling?
- No.

Just thought you looked as if
you were retaining a little water down here.

Darling, if you want to lose weight sweetie
I've got some marvellous pills upstairs darling.

You just pee it out overnight.

Alright...

- You're not seeing your father tonight are you darling?
- No.

- Good.
- Go and get dressed.

Darling. Darling, look at Mummy.
Look at Mummy, sweetie.

Do I need surgery, darling?

- Yes.
- Alright.

Get your mouth sewn up.

I'm still here, darling. I heard that.

Yes well i pay you to interpret my dreams,
so can't you at least find a hidden depth?

Well, I'm not willing to believe
I'm simply that obvious

And if you're a bloody psychic psychologist,
how come i'm always having to call you?

Oh just stuff it!

Saffy darling, I'm off, but I won't see you later,
because you don't love me enough darling.

Lacroix, sweetie!

It's alright, isn't it?
it's a bit tight maybe, but it's alright, isn't it?

You know, people will think,
"Wow, it's a Lacroix!" OK?

I just can't find anything to go with it that's all.

Maybe I can throw up
on something for you?

- Oh I see. Someone already has.
- Jean Muir.

Bloody door! It will be my car.
Sweetie, it will be my car.

- Darling.
- Pats, darling.

Sweetie, your car's here.
I thought I might scrounge a coffee.

Well darling, I can't
I'm in a dreadful rush. I can't...

Saff is here, though alright?

- What are you wearing Eddy?
- Lacroix.

- It's fabulous.
- Good, thank you.

- Patsy could go with you, Mother.
- Yes, why don't you come with me in the car?

We'll talk in the car. Alright, darling?

Bye-bye, sweetie, darling bye bye.
Have a little haircut, have a little bob.

- Don't be...
- What darling?

- Don't be late.
- Alright, sweetie.

Or drunk...

Darliing, stop me drinking today.
Saff has threatened to leave home again.

darling you don't drink.

look i know i'm not a drinker,
but you know what she's like i mean...

A pig.

God, I must ring in
and tell them I'm coming.

- What will you drink if you stop drinking?
- I shall drink water.

It's a mixer, Patsy.
We have it with whisky.

You know what it's like.
You've given up drinking before.

worst eight hours of my life.

Right, it's me. I'm on my way in.

Everything's completely under control this end,
how is it with you?

Lights, models, guest list?

Just do your best, darling.
I'm rushing. Bye.

- Are you going straight to the office?
- Yes.

- Past Harvey Nic's?
- No, Pats

Could we?
Well, it is nearly lunch-time.

- 10:30, Patsy.
- mmm!

well look we can do Harvey Nichols quickly
and then we'll pick up some lunch

and just take it into the office.
I think it would look better.

Whatever.

But darling remember it's your company.
You're the boss, you can do what you want.

- Don't let them pressure you.
- I'll just ring and tell them. Shall i?

- You'll kill yourself the way you go on.
- Yes, i'll ring them later.

Darling, you will come
to the show tonight, won't you?

Saffy's refused you know
and I need just a little bit of support.

Well, of course you do
and of course I will.

Deserted by son and daughter.

Where is Serge? Where is Serge?

Potholing with his university,
I don't want to talk about it.

I sometimes wonder
what the point of having children is

if they're not going to turn up
to your launches?

Did you tell them how important
it was for you darling?

Did i tell them? I faxed the bloody dean,
the bollocky halls of residence

and the buggery mountain rescue.
What more can I do?

Nothing, and you shouldn't have to.

I mean, look at you.
You've been a fantastic mother.

You've let them ruin your figure.
Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition,

you've got tits down to your knees,
and what for, for godsake?

For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple
nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt

for the past two years.
Cut the cord, darling.

- Left here if we're going to Harvey Nic's.
- Left!

We're going to San Fred's
for lunch and then we're going shopping.

Eddy, can I borrow your phone?

Thanks. I'm glad you're with me Pats,
because otherwise I wouldn't use that car.

I wouldn't use that huge car pouring out
petrol fumes and pollution like that,

but you know there were three people
in that car. Three people in that car!

Oh shut up, Eddy.
No one can hear you.

darling it's me.
I'm coming into the office now.

I'm coming through the door.

right i'm here, darling.
Don't panic, don't panic. I'm here.

Right, Bubble. Let's get things moving.
Sweetie, darling, I'm sorry i'm so late.

I think everything's just about done.

I told you
things would manage without you darling.

Right. Now, Bubble,
did all the models turn up?

- Yeah every single one.
- Good, good.

Except one.

Except one? You're not going to
tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling?

- No.
- Thank God!

No, sorry, yeah.
Yasmin Le Bon is ill.

Oh my buggery bollocks.
Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier?

Well, her husband's just phoned
and said "Simon Le Bon",

which I thought was really amusing.

Amusiing, darling?

Yeah. Very modern of him
to take his wife's name.

Bubble, sweetie...

I phoned round
and I think I may have found a replacement.

- Good, good. Who?
- Betty Boo.

Shit.

Some of the designers aren't happy,
but I said you'd speak to them.

- This is all your fault, Patsy.
- It's all fixable.

Yes, you're right. Come on,
how is the celebrity and VIP list looking?

Good, I think.
But you know me, I don't know anybody.

Come on, darling.
Come on, darling!

Just tell me about Joan Collins,
Stephanie Powers, Paloma Picasso,

Charlotte Rampliing, Catheriine Denueve.
Give me some names, darling.

- So far?
- So far.

So far Sinitta and
Anne Robinson definite.

We're still chasing Anneka Rice.
Gave up on Norma Major.

Just get me my phone book now,
would you darling? Get me my phone book.

I mean Princess Di has to have somebody
to sit next to.

- You don't get Princess Di...
- Anne, Anne.

Princess Anne.

As well as is it darling?

Instead of. Only.
Possibly with daughter.

Why, why?

There was a bit of a mix-up.
I didn't make the call,

but she's very game
and a really nice person.

I wouldn't care if she was
Mother bloody Teresa!

It doesn't matter for our purposes.

What we need is a princess with a press
following and a designer dress on her back!

Not someone who looks like
she runs up her own.

well her people were a bit cagey about
which designer she favoured.

The only label she wears is "drip dry".

Come on, come on, come on, darling!

Let's take stock now.
We've got three hours.

darling finish the beaujolais
and walk away, from it.

- Shut up now, Patsy.
- Right, I'm off.

- Are we eating?
- Yes what of. French, Italian, whatever you like.

Oh darling no one's eating
that sort of food any more.

but there's a fabulous
new Japanese in Mayfair.

Everything is raw.
Anything which has a pulse is lunch.

Alright, darling, whatever.

The magazine called for you, Patsy. They need
some decisions about this month's cover.

oh really!
Whatever can they need to know?

I mean it's the same every month, a model
in make-up with a vacant look on her face.

well i might drop in on the way home.
see you later eddy, i'll leave the bottle.

no don't leave the bottle, Patsy.
I need a clear head forthe next three hours darling.

- Do you want some coke?
- No, sweetie no.

- No, shh!
- Save it 'till later. Good luck, darling.

Have you got something I can pee into?
I want to do another test before i go.

Bloody hell, Patsy!
Wash it this time, will you?

Anyway,darling who was it you were with last night?

He was just a windscreen washer
I picked up at the traffic lights.

- Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls.
- Bye, Pats Darling, bye.

- Bye-bye, sweetheart. Bye, darling.
- Goodbye, sweetie.

- darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual
- Thank you.

and remember, i've known you longer
than your daughter

and anything you do is alright by me.
you know y ou're my bestfriend, sweetheart.

- Can I take your car?
- Sweetie!

Well, as long as it's back by six,
I'm alright.

Bye, Eddy. Thanks, darling.

Right. Now, Bubble, I want
a list of every PR company,

every record company in the country,
I want a copy of "Who's Who?"

and the latest edition of Hello! Magazine.
Let's get "celebritied" up! Come on!

Bubble, I want four huge video screens
down either side of the catwalk.

I want to flash-up pictures of sad,
but beautiful children, happy gay couples,

slogans like "World Health",
"No Pollution", "Fashion Cares".Alright darling?

and print up thousands of new invitations
on green, totally recycled paper,

and cab them around to everybody.
Now, now!

Now, darling. Now, sweetie!
Now, now!

get on Princess Anne's people... tell her
that everybody there will be mentally ill.

Tell her we'll sponsor her
to wear a designer dress ok

and make sure she realises
that if she doesn't

those little children
won't get anything.

Press release.
Free champagne reception.

get on to Moet and Chandon.
Tell them it's for charity.

Get on to Joan Collins.
Tell her it's free champagne.

Look, darling.
I don't want to wear this, sweetie.

I want to look completely happening
and unbiased.

No, sweetie. just get me something
from every collection. Alright darling? Come on!

Come on!
Leave that, darling, leave that.

Come On! Quick, quick, quick,
come on!

Come on!

- They loved it.
- No, they hated me, they hated me.

No, love, love, love.

- They loved it.
- I hate them now, I hate them!

Pats, it's fabulous,fabulous! A truly major
fashion event is happening out there.

- Well done, darling.
- Thanks. Everybody's there, everybody!

Big names. Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld,
Givenchy, Gaultier, darling.

Names, names, names. Every rich bitch
from Now York is in there.

Hockwenden, Ruttenstein,
Vandebilt, Rothschild,

Hookenfooken berger, Daschund,
Rottweiler, sweetie.

A whole row of skeletons
with Jackie O hairdos.

Harper's, Tatler...
English Vogue, American Vogue,

French Vogue,
bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian Vogue,

Jeff Banks and Selina Scott
couldn't even get a ticket, darling.

I'm going down in history Pats,
as the woman

that put Princess Anne
in a Vivienne Westwood basque.

People weren't even looking
at what was happening on the catwalk.

Good job, really darling. Betty Boo and
Danii Minogue did their best, but frankly...

- Cheers, anyway.
- Cheers.

- Pats?
- Darling.

Are we keeping these two?

No, I thought we'd get
a couple of different ones at the party.

If I squat down i'll piss myself.

- Let's go away... Eddy.
- Oh sweetie!

- When, darling, when?
- Now. Let's go on holiday...

I can't, sweetie. I promised Saff
I'd get home tonight.

Don't start making me
go on holiday, Pats!

Darling, you need a holiday...

How long has she been around for?
She's been around forever.

- 16 she is, Pats
- 16 years you've had her. 16 years!

- Get rid of her!
- I can't!

- Montserrat, I want to go to Montserrat.
- Look at me, Patsy.

- You're looking at a huge success tonight.
- I know, darling, I know.

Career and all this.
I've got fabulous kids who adore me.

I just moved myself there, Pats.
I'm sorry.

What was I saying, Patsy?

You were just going to
tell me about their bastard...

Bastard bloody fathers!

God, I married the two biggest shits
in the world, didn't I?

Unhh...?

do you know i don't know why
it went wrong with Justin,

because we just
adored each other, you know?

He's gay.

No, Patsy,
that wasn't the reason, was it?

- Oh let's go on holiday...
- Stop it, stop it!

Stop it now! Look, she mustn't know
I've had a drink, darling.

- She mustn't know I've had a drink.
- Darliing, you're only slightly drunk.

- I can't let her know I've had a drink.
- Come on, sweetie.

- Go on, sweetie, go on.
- She'll never know, will she, darling?

- She's not your bloody mother!
- She's not my bloody mother!

Mother never knew...
did she, Pats? Remember?

Oh far out!
Oh that's fantastic!

- Are you going to come in?
- No.

Ciao.

Hello, Edwina dear.
Good concert?

Why don't you come in
and tell us all about it?

Your father and I are still up.

I'm very tired, actually.

Come on, dear.
Your father would love to see you.

Hi.

Here she is.

Where was the concert
this time, dear?

Eel Pie Island again, was it?

And who was it?
Anyone we should have heard of?

The Beatles,
The Stones, The Rolling Who?

You look a bit dizzy, dear.
Are you OK?

Is that cider I can smell
on your breath?

No, she's not.

It's alright, darling, she's not here.
She's not here, darling.

Oh God! The pig's here.
Come on, sweetie.

Come on, sweetheart.
Alright, darling?

Alright, Eddy? Alright, sweetheart.

Go, Vinny.
Goodnight, Eddy-darling.

Sweetie, you didn't have to...

Sweetie, darling.
Sweetie, darling, Mummy's here sweetie.

Mummy is...

Sweetie, darling, let me in.

Sweetie, darling, let me in!

Stay still!
Do you want to sleep in your clothes?

Thank you. Yes, I do.

Where's my joint box?
You've stolen it again.

What do you want that for?
Where is it, darling?

Oh sweetie.
Help Mummy now, help Mummy.

Do you want
a glass of water?

Oh hang on a moment.
Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic.

What do they want?

They say they are confirming the booking
for four weeks from next Monday.

sweetie i think it's the only way.
Don't you, darling?

I'm going to swallow my pride
and do it, if that's alright by you.

You've been very good to me. Thank you darling.

- Well done!
- Thank you, sweetie.

Thanks, Pats