Abby's (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Backup - full transcript

"Abby's" is filmed

in front of a live outdoor audience.

You ever think about how
numbers are spelled?

No, because I'm normal, but go ahead.

We start with one, O-N-E.

First number out of the gate.

Already it's spelled weird.

One should clearly start with a W.

And then we get two,

which does have a W, but shouldn't.

We're doin' shots, bitches.



- [ALL HOWL]
- Well, that was uncouth.

Number talk, huh? I can get behind this.

A lot of numbers in
engineering, shapes too.

We got lines, vectors...

which, before you jump all over
me, are not the same thing.

Numbers aren't all spelled bad.

Three is solid.

Six is incredible.

I love six. It really gets the job done.

Mm-hmm.

We need more tequila shots, sweetie.

Well, neither of us
looks like a sweetie,

so he must be talking to someone else.

I was called a doll once,
and it did not end well.



Oh, my God, I never thought
about eight before.

Eight is wild.

E, what?

I, why?

G, I don't even know what
we're spelling anymore.

Holy mother of God,
there's an H after that.

This place has a bathroom?

Dude, we're in an outdoor bar.

- The whole thing's a bathroom.
- Ah, totally.

Abby, you gonna do something about this?

Because I am ready to
tee off on someone.

I just spent two hours trying to get out

of a gym membership, and
I'm still a member.

Yeah, they're outta here.

James, would you like to do
the honor of bouncing them?

Yeah, I'm gonna go right now.

But here's the thing, and
I forgot to tell you.

I can't.

My doctor says I might have bumpy spine.

Oh, James, bumpy spine is a real thing,

and it's very serious.

You think I got bumpy spine?

[ROLLICKING GUITAR MUSIC]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Yeah!

Whoo!

All right, I'm goin' in.

Hey, five bucks if you can work in

a cool action movie one-liner.

You're on.

Sorry, bros, but I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

Well, we don't wanna leave.

Yeah, but see, what you...

Look at me. Look at me.

I'm the captain now.

You're not gonna give her
full credit for that?

She should have done the voice,

although I get why that's dicey.

No, seriously, you guys have
to go or I'll make you go.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, okay, I think that we've
all had enough fun here.

- Please leave.
- Bill, stand down. I got this.

You see, I'm the owner of the property,

and if I call the cops,
they're gonna say

it was time to go the
moment I told you to,

and every second after that
is criminal trespassing.

They get it, Bill. You're mad,

and you're upper middle class.

Then I'm gonna have to hire
a whole team of lawyers

to file a civil suit,
which, win or lose,

is gonna cost you tens of
thousands of dollars each.

Is that what you really want?

[LAUGHS]

That's right, get.

Did you just say "get"?

Yeah, well, I was gonna say,

don't let the door hit you
where the good Lord split you,

but then I realized the door opens out,

so that would not be possible.

Sort of harkens back to the vectors

that I mentioned before.

And that is sort of the
origin story of get.

Good job, Bill, very impressive.

That was pretty kick ass, though, right?

Maybe even worthy of a drink?

A free drink, not a
drink named after me.

Although...

If you were gonna name a drink after me,

maybe it'd be something
like, um, I mean,

just off the top of my
head, the Invinci-Bill.

Maybe that has wine and
Sprite in it, huh?

Or the Billini, which would
also have wine and Sprite.

I'd like a wine and Sprite, please.

Yeah, Bill, we should
name a drink after you.

I'm gonna call it, If You
Ever Butt In Like That Again,

I'll Tie Your Penis into a Knot.

Hold on, you're mad at
me for helping you?

Yes, Bill. If something like
that ever happens again,

please, stay the hell out of it.

I got a name for your
drink: the piña Billada.

My mug!

What happened?

I don't know.

I love this mug.

I got it in Reno when
the twins were born.

Wait, you took a trip to Reno

when you were nine months pregnant?

No, I took a trip to Reno

when I was eight months pregnant

and I lost track of time.

Who the hell did this?

I promise I won't be mad, but who?

Yes, who is the correct question

because it suggests we don't know.

Really, no one is gonna own up to this?

I'm so sorry, Beth.

I'm gonna help you
find out who did this.

No, Rosie, that... that
won't be necessary

because, Beth...

I am the one who's gonna
find out who did this.

Thank you, James,

and when you find the coward,
I want you to take this shard

and sketch my face into their forehead.

That shard looks a little too
big for the detail work.

Let me get this straight:
I did something nice...

No, no, you did not do something nice.

I had a basketball, I
was about to dunk it,

and then you took the
ball out of my hands

and you dunked it yourself.

Does this discussion have
to take place right here?

I'm working on the crossword puzzle,

and it's Saturday's, so
I'm trying to lock in.

Abby, I was just trying to help you.

Bill, I did not need your help.

Okay, see, I'm doing it in ink.

Maybe you guys would want to argue

on the back benches or
in a different backyard.

You acted like I was
some damsel in distress

who needed you to come to my rescue.

- I did not. I just...
- And you just had to save the day

with your legal mumbo jumbo,

like the world's most boring knight

in the world's most
business casual armor.

I didn't step in because I
know legal mumbo jumbo.

I got in there because I'm...

well, you know, because
I'm bigger than you.

[SCOFFS]

You guys win. This is more
interesting than my puzzle.

So you think you're so
strong and I'm so weak?

Bill, I was a Marine, okay?

I can take you down 50 different ways.

Look at your neck. There's,
like, eight ways right there.

Just from an objective standpoint,

I have a larger frame
than you, that's all.

My biology gives me certain
mechanical advantages.

Bill has a point.

Say there was a nine-year-old

with a black belt that
wanted to fight me.

It doesn't matter that
he has a black belt.

He's tiny, and I'm a giant.

That kid is going down.

With all due respect, Fred,

my sons know a nine-year-old
named Evan Lefkowitz.

He would destroy you.

Huh.

Anyplace, anytime, any kid.

The thing is, Abby, I'm an engineer.

- Oh, really?
- Oh, that again.

And as an engineer,

I have to consider things
like Newtonian force.

It's all about fulcrum placement.

You got one lever... in
this case, it's my arm...

starts way up here.

Do you want to see what happens
when this pump gets primed?

- Because I don't.
- No, Bill, I don't want to see

when anything of yours gets primed.

You don't know what primed
means in this sort of...

Abby, Bill, come on.

You're both adults. This
bickering is silly.

We should solve this thing
in a mature, grown-up way.

The two of you should put
your hands into the ice bin

for 30 seconds and then
open a big jar of olives.

Yes, because that is
classically the correct way

to handle this sort of situation.

And if I win, Bill apologizes.

And just to be clear, I'm
apologizing for helping you.

- Yes, that is correct.
- All right, fine, you're on.

I don't open a lot of olive jars,

but I do open a lot of pickle jars.

And I'm fairly certain that
my skills in that area

will transfer over to this new area.

Bill, I gotta tell ya, that
is some weak-ass trash talk.

Ugh, what's wrong with this wine?

It tastes terrible.

It's pinot grigio from Ottawa.

What do you expect?

It's the mug.

The wine doesn't taste right

because I'm not drinking
out of my Reno mug.

What if alcohol never
tastes the same again

and I end up drinking less?

What if I wake up in the
morning feeling okay?

James, where are we
on the investigation?

It's, uh... it's coming along.

I just need to get a black
light on Amazon Prime,

so we're looking at, like, two
business days right there.

Could I speak to you for a second?

You broke the mug, didn't you?

How did you know?

You have a tell.

Every time you lie,
you're terrible at it.

Look, I know Beth can be a little scary,

but she deserves to know what happened.

You're right.

Okay, here I go.

- So, Beth...
- What do you got?

Did you find the gutless
rat that broke my mug?

I did,

and I didn't have to look too
far to find him, either.

It was Dan!

Who's Dan?

Me, I'm Dan.

Did you need something?

I can't hear well out of my left ear.

Enough excuses, Dan,

if that's even your real name.

That's probably not even
your real mustache either.

All right, so we got Bill versus Abby

in a test of strength and toughness.

If Abby wins, Bill apologizes,

and if Bill wins, we just kind
of keep goin' how we're goin'.

When I say go,

you both put your hands into the ice

for as long as it takes
me to finish my beer.

Are you ready?

On your mark, set, go.

Okay, no, this is fine.

This isn't bad.

This isn't bad... oh,
my God, it's so bad!

Oh!

Fred, I know for a fact you
can drink faster than that.

Hey, Rosie, that guy ever text you back?

- No, he called.
- Oh, wow.

So I was right. He is a psychopath.

Knives, knives as fingers.

And... open the jars.

[GASPING]

All right, Abby, you got this.

Nice and easy.

Just gotta...

[JAR THUDS]

Butterfingers.

Frozen Butterfingers,
which are delicious,

but that's a guaranteed
trip to the dentist.

Everything okay, Abs?

Yeah, just trying to get a grip.

Ah, done.

- What?
- Why do you all look so shocked?

I told you I had pickle jar skills.

I also predicted that those skills

would carry over into this new area.

Do you remember, from the trash talk?

No, no, I didn't lose.

You cheated. You dropped the jar.

That must have loosened it.

This doesn't prove
you're stronger than me.

We gotta do another challenge.

Abby, let it go, all right?

Just admit that I'm the
champ and you're the chump

and we'll move on.

No, no, I challenge you to
literally anything else.

How about a duel?

Not with guns, obviously,
but with swords.

I have swords!

Or, or, a keg carry!

Yes, we'll do a keg carry!

- What?
- Yeah, I'll clear this area,

and we'll see who can carry

a full keg around the bar the fastest.

But that's gonna be hard for me to do

because the grill is lit
and my hands are burning.

[WHIMPERS]

Why don't you let us handle the bar

- until your hands feel better?
- Guys, I'm fine.

You're not fine. You
burned both of your hands.

- You're in pain.
- No, really, I'm okay.

Somebody high-five me.

Do it!

Interesting.

I never thought I'd say this, Bill,

but I need to know right now
what you think is interesting.

I just realized why you got so upset

when I stepped in before.
It's not about me.

You have a problem accepting
help from anyone.

That's not true.

When people hold doors open
for me, I walk through them.

I don't just stand there
like some weirdo.

All right, fine, prove me wrong.

Let them help you with the bar.

- No problem.
- [PHONE RINGS]

Fred, would you be so kind as
to answer the phone for me?

Yes.

Hello?

No, this is Abby's, not Arby's.

Yeah, there's one on Midway Drive.

There's one, uh, well, the
Mission Gorge Road one,

their bathroom requires a key code so...

I do. It's pound 9244.

Yeah, whoa, what are
you doing over there?

Oh, there's just a little pileup here

and there's a maraschino cherry
sticking to one of the glasses,

- so I'm just gonna turn on the sink.
- You don't have to do that

because you don't have a
problem accepting help.

Beth can do it, right?

Sure, I'm always happy to help.

Actually, that's not true at all.

But I will do this now.

Cool.

Yep, okay.

Yeah, yeah, I'll just... just go inside

and, uh, I'll just let
this happen, yeah.

Let us know if you need anything.

I don't... will do.

Dan, you've been accused of a bar crime,

breaking the mug of a regular.

Now, in accordance with rule 84,

the trial will now begin

and you will have 30 seconds
to defend yourself. Go!

Oh, no, I...

It wasn't me. I love mugs.

I have my own mugs at home.

I even drink soup out of mugs.

I would never break a mug.

Ask my friends.

I mean, once when we were in Oregon,

he did break a plate.

[ALL GASP]

Jessica, why?

A pattern emerges.

Well, now that all the evidence is in,

who votes guilty?

Oh, no, but I'm innocent.

Dan, we just had an exhaustive trial.

You're guilty.

What's up?

You're really gonna pin this on Dan?

I have to.

Beth is scary, and we don't
have a lot in common.

We're not tight like you
and Abby or me and Bill

or Dan and Jessica, although
I think that's over now.

I'm just saying, I feel like if
she finds out I broke her mug,

she might cut me out of her life

or cut me with that big shard.

And if she puts her face on my face,

when I go to the club, who ID I'ma use?

Dan, as per rule 84, subsection B,

I hereby sentence you to an
evening in the sprinkler chair.

Oh, no.

What's the sprinkler chair?

That chair that sits over
the faulty sprinkler head,

which can go off at any moment.

The punishment is the
anticipation of getting wet

and also getting wet.

But I don't want to get wet.

Wet man walkin'.

Abby, what are you doing? We got this.

I'm fine, Bill.

Okay, just wallow in all that help.

You know, just let it consume you,

like a charitable quicksand.

Could I get a... oh, so sorry.

I didn't realize you
couldn't do anything.

[LAUGHS]

Damn, that must have been hard to hear.

That's it. Everybody stop helping.

Kind of proving my point here, Abby.

No, no, no, no.

I would happily accept
help if I needed it,

but right now, I don't need it.

So, you, what do you want?

- Um, a bottle of beer.
- Great.

You, go.

A mojito?

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[ICE CLATTERS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

That'll be 7.50.

Who's next?

All that spilled alcohol.

What a waste.

- Hey, Abby.
- Not now, Bill.

I said not now, Bill.

No, Abby, I just want
to apologize, okay.

You were upset before

and I pushed that stupid
point so hard and I'm sorry.

Well, it's not all on you.

It is possible that I
may have overreacted

when everyone was helping me.

Well, I mean, I would
never say that, but...

other people might say that.

The thing is, Bill,
when you just took over

with those guys earlier, it
set something off in me.

You gotta understand, when
I was in the Marines,

men were just looking for me to fail,

so I worked hard to make sure

I never needed help from anybody.

I get that, and, well, honestly,

I didn't think I was stepping in before

because you're a woman,

but if it was Fred or James,
I don't know if I would have.

Well, I appreciate you admitting that,

but always step in to help James.

[LAUGHS]

Here's the thing, though, Abby,

you and I are committing an
ongoing criminal conspiracy

to keep an illegal bar operating, so...

we should probably learn to
take help from one another.

Well, I have to admit,

your legal threats were kind of helpful.

See?

Yes.

I guess I could use
some help with my shoe.

The laces have been untied for an hour,

and they're driving me crazy.

I got ya.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- Do you feel better now?
- Yes!

See, Bill, eight different
ways just in the neck.

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, ah. [CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY]

Oh, sorry, thought I heard it going off.

False alarm.

My brain is doing most of the torture.

Ah, there it is!

Nope, sorry, another falsie.

Beth, I got something I gotta tell you.

I'm the one who broke your mug.

I'm sorry.

What? James, why didn't
you say something?

Because our relationship
is like your mug.

It's fragile.

We don't have anything in common,

and I was scared that if
you knew I broke your mug,

you would cut me out your life

or cut me physically.

And if you put your face on my face,

that's gonna confuse your kids.

James, come on.

We don't have a lot in
common, but I like that.

You know who I have a
lot in common with?

The moms at school.

They never shut up about their
kids and their husbands

and their jobs and their charity work.

Ugh, get a life.

We have the most important
thing in common

that two people can have:
we drink together.

That's a sacred bond.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GASPS] My mug.

Yeah, I found most of the pieces,

and then Bill filled in the gaps

with this 3-D printer
thing he overexplained.

And then he glued it all back together.

Did you guys know that
Bill's an engineer?

- Yeah, it's come up.
- Is that right?

Yep, I always keep good glue in my car.

And I see the way you're looking at me,

but I think it's cool and
I'm glad I told you.

Hey, Dan, I've got news!

Oh, oh! [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

It's worse than I thought.

Oh, the water is very
highly pressurized.

Oh, I hate this a lot. It's... oh...

Blood pact to never
talk about this again?

- Yeah.
- Sounds good.

Four-letter word for "word."

This clue is like a snake eating itself.

So, uh, yesterday,

you said you could beat a nine-year-old

with a black belt?

Well, this is Evan Lefkowitz.

He just placed in a
national competition.

Yeah, he could take me.

[LAUGHS]