Abby's (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Free Alcohol Day - full transcript

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

"Abby's" is filmed in front
of a live, outdoor audience.

Ooh, la, la, Fred. Lookin' sharp.

Somebody put on his church clothes.

You do look very nice today, Fred.

All right, that's enough
with the cat calling.

I'm a person.

I'm sorry. What's the occasion?

Today is one of the most glorious days

on the bar's calendar.

It's a festive, joyous occasion.



Today, my good man,

- is Free Alcohol Day.
- Yes.

- BOTH: Whoo!
- Wait, wait, wait.

Is this gonna be like Free
Pizza Day where you guys order

a ton of pizza and then
just make me pay for it?

That's actually annual now, Bill.

Free Alcohol Day is when
a beverage rep comes by

to do tastings of whatever
new booze they're selling.

At most bars, it's a
perk for just the staff,

but here I've made it a family activity

- for everyone to enjoy.
- A "family activity?"

Yes, it's a wonderful time for family

to be way over there

while I'm here drinking without them.



It's like Christmas and Cinco
de Mayo rolled into one.

You get free stuff and
sometimes you wake up

wearing a fun hat.

You know, I do love a good freebie.

Once, on a business trip, I
got 10% off my hotel bill

just because I found black
mold in the air conditioner.

Yeah, this is like that,
but instead of depressing

and terrible, it's happy and good.

All right, well, happy Free
Alcohol Day, everyone.

Oh, Bill, actually the
traditional greeting is

"Merry Free Alcohol Day," like this:

Merry Free Alcohol Day to you, Fred.

Thank you, and a Merry Free
Alcohol Day to you, Abby.

A Merry Free Alcohol Day...

[VOICE BREAKING] to us all.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪

Did you hear that?

Sounds like a 2015 Hyundai Elantra,

midnight blue, leather interior.

- [CAR DOOR SHUTS]
- She's here!

Free Alcohol Lady's here!

Okay, like I say every time,

let's just treat her
like a regular person.

- ALL: Hey!
- We missed you so much!

Hi, let me take that from you.

- [BOTTLES JINGLING]
- Sounds like gin.

Hey, so technically I'm
not supposed to hug you,

but if you initiate, I won't say no.

Okay, guys, guys, be cool.

- Hello, how are you?
- Hi.

As you can see, we're normal
amount of excited to see you.

Aw, always my favorite stop on the tour.

- [ALL GASP]
- We're your favorite?

Okay, all right, we got
you set up over here,

a safe distance from your insane fans.

Sorry about all the slobber.
It's hard for them

- to contain their love for you.
- Aw.

You guys ever notice how
Abby and Dani have sort

of a flirty thing going
on? I mean, look.

They're just talking,

like you and I are talking right now.

You think I'm flirting with you?

Eh, there's always something
going on between us, man.

[INAUDIBLE CHATTER]

I think you might be right, Beth. Look.

She's touching Dani on the elbow.

Ooh, that's big. The elbow's
the gateway to the shoulder.

Yeah.

What? What's with your faces?
Is there a photo being taken?

Wha... You guys taking
photos without me? Dang it.

I told you that really
hurts my feelings.

No, Bill, we're talking
about how Abby's into Dani.

Oh, my God, you guys need
to get a life, really.

C'mon, I know you.

I could feel the sparks from here.

Let me go talk to her. I'll
find out if she's single.

No. No, no, no. Do not do that.

Sit. Bad Beth.

Wait, wait a second, can we
back up here for a second?

Free Alcohol Lady is a lady,
so do you date women?

And men. I'm bisexual, Bill.

[STAMMERS] Oh, well, congratulations.

Congratulations? I didn't win a raffle.

First it was "Happy Free Alcohol Day,"

and now "Congratulations?"

Are you not familiar with
any social conventions?

"Congratulations" wasn't a
bad thing to say to Abby,

right, because it implies that
I'm happy that she's bisexual.

And I am. I mean, I'm
happy. I'm not bisexual.

But if I was bisexual, I'd be happy.

Pull up, Bill. You're in a tailspin!

Today we are featuring our brand new

allspice-infused vodka.

All the spices? [LAUGHS]
Now I'm interested.

Well, cheers everyone.

- So what do we think?
- Mm.

- Mm-hmm.
- BOTH: Yeah.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- We've all had that now.

Right? Well, when you want more

- you know where to find me.
- [LAUGHS]

- [SPITS]
- [GROANS]

Oh, God.

Oh, my God, that is not good.

This tastes like the
inside of a Santa suit.

Never thought I'd hear these
words come out of my mouth

but I did not like my free drink.

Did she say "Old Spice"
'cause this tastes

a lot like my body wash.

You know, I kinda like it.

It reminds me of this liqueur
that my ex-wife and I had

- on our honeymoon in Greece...
- Bill, no.

None of your sob stories tonight, okay?

We're in the middle of a crisis here.

The one day that four
or five times a year

I care about, and it's in jeopardy.

I'm gonna try it again.
Maybe it gets better.

Huh.

No.

Worse!

Hey, girl. Can I get a top off?

Oh, you got it.

Mm, love this stuff.

- Wintery.
- Mm.

Makes me want to get all cozy by a fire

with a serious romantic partner, which,

by the way, do you have one of those?

Oh, uh, I'm flattered, but I actually...

Oh, no, not for me.

Although, for real, you
should be so lucky.

Oh.

No, I was asking for Abby.

I thought I sensed a little something

going on between you two.

Oh, yeah, no. Abby's
great, but you know,

we kinda already had a thing.

Oh.

Right. Duh. [LAUGHS]

I totally knew that, but I forgot

because Abby tells me
so many personal things

that it's really hard for me
to keep track of them, so...

Really? That doesn't sound like Abby.

Hey.

[MOCKINGLY] Really?

That doesn't sound like Abby.

Okay, here's what we've learned so far.

Adding ice makes it cold... bad.

Adding lemon makes it sour... bad.

We can figure this out,
but it's just gonna take

- a little elbow grease.
- Is elbow grease a real thing?

Because I'd rather drink that.

- What's the next experiment?
- Well, we are heating it up

and mixing it with honey.

You've heard of a hot toddy?
This is a "Warm Steve."

Hm.

You know what might make this better?

If we threw it in the garbage can

and never talked about it again.

Abby, is there something

you've been meaning to
tell your ol' pal Beth?

Maybe something you feel
bad about keeping from me?

Oh. Okay. Fine. Um.

I can see into your upstairs
bathroom from my bedroom.

I've witnessed certain things...

No.

Uh [CHUCKLES] I was just over with Dani

putting in a good word for
you, my close friend,

and guess what I find out.
You two already dated.

Whoa, you two dated?

Did you break her heart?

Is this putrid swill some sort
of a jilted lover's revenge?

Beth, I told you not to meddle,

and besides, it was super casual.

How casual? Like a one night stand?

Like a 45-night stand

spread out over, uh, three months.

Three months? I met my
husband, got married,

and pregnant in half that time.

Okay, Beth, stop bragging.

Some of us still go
home to a body pillow.

Hey, I don't always use
the body pillow, okay?

Oh, my God, you were talking about you.

Never mind.

Abby, why didn't you tell me?
I thought we were close.

Beth, I promise, it wasn't a big deal.

I mean, there's a lot
of people I've dated

that you don't know about.

Wha... there are others?

Well, yeah.

Unbelievable. I share
everything with you.

Guess I've just been drinking
Chardonnay from a stranger.

I might as well be at a Chili's.

- Ooh.
- Whoa.

Wait a second, do people
not like Chili's?

I find them so charming.

You know I once had a waiter
who jokingly referred

to my blue margarita [CHUCKLES]

as "toilet water." [LAUGHS]

I think that guy's name was Brian.

What a hoot.

What the hell is wrong with you, man?

♪

Abby, Beth has a point.
I've known you for years,

and I've never met anyone
that you've dated.

So what, I've never met
anyone you've dated.

You don't remember the UPS
lady that I introduced you to

that I almost had that
thing with that one time?

Yeah, we know nothing
about your personal life,

and yet you know everything about us.

Guys, c'mon, it's a
tradition as old as time:

customers drink and talk, and
bartenders pour and listen.

[SCOFFS] Customers?
We're just customers?

Do customers have their bartenders

over for Thanksgiving every year

and don't even get mad
when all they bring is pie

from a gas station?

Hey, that pie was from both of us.

And that Chevron is famous
for its strawberry rhubarb.

All right, fine, you wanna know stuff?

It's gonna cost ya. I'll tell you what.

You take a shot. You got a question.

But that stuff is not suitable
for human consumption.

I know, so how bad do you want it?

You're on.

Let me lay down a base of bar nuts.

[NUTS JINGLE]

[MUFFLED] All right. Let's do this.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Hey, can I get you a refill?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

You know, this reminds me
of a particular liqueur

that my ex-wife and I had
on our honeymoon in Greece.

It was called "kykeon,"

and it's made out of wine and cheese.

You see, the ancient
Greeks used to use it

to break their sacred fast.

Cool.

Well, I'll be here if
you have any questions.

All right, okay. Oh! I
do have one question.

If somebody congratulated
you on your bisexuality

like on a scale of 1 to 10, how
offended would you be by that?

- Oh, I'm not bi. I'm gay.
- Oh.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, I'm not sorry that you're gay.

I think it's great that
you're gay, you know?

I mean, two women together
is a beautiful thing.

Not in a creepy way. I didn't mean that

in like a se... oh, boy.

You know, I just think that
everybody should be able

to choose who they love...
not that it's a choice. Gah.

♪

You guys sure about this? It's
not too late to back out.

I'm not scared. In
college, we used to make

gin in a dorm sink that was so strong

my eyebrows fell out.

I drew 'em on once, I
can draw 'em on again.

How long was your longest relationship?

- Almost two years.
- And who was...

Up... that's another question.

Come on, this is a rip-off.

You gotta give us more info than that.

You want another detail,
you can have one

for the low, low price of one more shot.

- Who's next?
- I'll go.

Do you like to play Legos?

I panicked. I'm sorry.

I've got a question.
Who cares about Abby?

This extraordinary day is
slipping through our fingers.

I ironed my shirt!

Grab an oar or get off the boat, Fred.

Mm. [GROANS]

Who did you lose your virginity
to and what song was playing?

Taylor Franzoni and
"Jump." Next question.

- Unacceptable! Too vague.
- Now, now, Beth's right here.

There are multiple songs

in the American musical
library titled "Jump."

Sorry, guys. I don't make the rules.

But you do.

You literally just made them.

Don't worry. I got this. Line 'em up.

Was it "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters?

No.

- "Jump" by Van Halen?
- No.

Mm-hmm.

"Jump" by Kris Kross?

- Nope, try again.
- [GROANS]

- Rosie, no. You'll die.
- Mm-hmm. Mm.

C'mon Abby, you're not taking
this seriously at all.

Oh, I disagree. I feel
like I'm taking it

just as seriously as it deserves.

Well, if you're not gonna play fair,

then I'm not doing this anymore.

Oh, no, do you really think she was mad?

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, do you really think she was mad?

Okay, I think that's enough.

All right, everybody, last call.

- What, last call? No.
- [BELL RINGING]

This can't be the end
of Free Alcohol Day.

I will not stand for this.

I should be too drunk to stand at all.

Hey, anybody need anything before I go?

Oh, hi, thank you. No.

You were just as wonderful as ever

and we're all looking forward
to seeing you next time.

Maybe you could bring
something different.

Okay, cool. Well, good to see you.

- ALL: Bye.
- Bye, Dani. You're so nice.

I know nobody asked, but
I lost my virginity

to a CD of whale songs.

Okay, all right. [SNAPPING FINGERS]

Let's see what else you're hiding, Abby.

Yuck.

Huh.

- Mm-hmm.
- [CAT MEOWS]

Oh, and she has a secret cat?

Oh, it's on.

♪

[LIGHT THUDDING]

[PAPERS SHUFFLING]

- [BOTH SCREAM]
- Beth! What are you doing?

And why are you holding dirty socks?

I'm the one asking the questions here.

Whose dirty socks are these?

Well, you're in my house
so it stands to reason

that they're mine.

Yeah, I'm standing in your house

scrounging around for clues.

Apparently this is what I have to do

to know anything personal about you.

Or you could respect my privacy

instead of acting like a
drunk Jessica Fletcher.

The "Murder, She Wrote"
lady? How dare you?

You could have picked
a hot detective like

Veronica Mars or McGruff the Crime Dog.

Okay, Beth,

I'm gonna need you to drop the socks

and slowly return to the bar, okay?

Yeah, yeah, I could, or... [LAUGHS]

- Okay, Beth...
- What's the problem?

Am I getting to close to the truth?

No, you're getting too
close to my coffee table.

Ahh!

Who puts a coffee table right
in front of the couch?

I can't do it.

I think I'm just gonna break
down and just buy beer.

Don't you dare. This
is Free Alcohol Day.

Damn it. I...

I know we got thrown
a curveball with this

allspice vodka, but we
still have a shot at this

before we have to go home.

The booze beat us, Fred.
We tried everything.

It's no use.

Here's something we didn't try.

Sucking it up.

What about when we first
started drinking alcohol?

It didn't taste good, so what do we do?

- We drank it anyway.
- We drank it anyway!

Look,

these are tough days for America.

The country is deeply divided.

The only thing we can agree on

is drinking alcohol.

So we need to do this.

We need to do this for America.

[ALL YELL]

[GROANS]

- [EXHALES]
- [SHUDDERS]

And again!

[ALL YELL] Mm!

- [GROANS]
- Beth, this is ridiculous.

Is it?

Is it as ridiculous

as this long blonde hair?

Who does this belong to, Abby?

Is it this blonde woman that
you're in this picture with?

That's Willie Nelson. I was
on a plane with him once.

Oh. Well, that's boring.

Left me no choice

but to look up your
internet search history.

Oh, please, you'll never
guess the password.

- "Vodka."
- Beth, that's insulting, okay?

- This is a waste of time.
- "Vodka1"...

- No, no, no! Beth!
- Hey! Ow!

- I wanna know your stuff!
- Give me my...

- No!
- Beth!

Ow.

[PANTING] You know what?

I don't care anymore. You
don't want to talk to me?

Fine, go talk to your cool friends.

Go... go bandana shopping
with Willie Nelson.

Beth, what is going on?

You had a full-on relationship with Dani

and you never even told me.

So what? That's my private life.

I don't have to run everything by you.

I got a bikini wax last Friday.

Did you need to know about that?

We could have gone together.

I have a Groupon.

Beth, why do you care so much?

Because I thought we were close,

and I guess today I learned we're not.

I don't have a lot of girlfriends,

especially since the
boys were born, and...

I think of you as one
of my closest friends.

But I'm starting to think that
you just see me as a customer.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Come on. I want to show you something.

Six years ago, when I first
moved into this house,

I found you sitting here in my backyard

drinking wine straight out of a box.

That was during the World Cup.

My husband had bought
the boys vuvuzelas.

If I didn't have your
backyard to escape to,

I might have walked into the sea.

It was pretty weird friending
a strange, drunk lady

in my backyard, but then
you became the thing

I looked forward to at
the end of every day.

Which is why I brought
out the second chair.

Then I just kept adding
chairs until I had a bar.

None of this would be here
if it weren't for you.

Okay? So no, you're not just a customer.

But why don't you share stuff?

I don't share stuff with anybody.

I mean, I grew up Cuban

in a white neighborhood,
and on top of that I'm bi.

I learned not to fan the flames
of that intersectional fire.

But this bar? The thing
that I love the most?

It literally wouldn't exist
if you hadn't trespassed

on my property and gotten me
drunk on cheap Canadian wine.

That means a lot.

So do you want to know more about Dani?

Oh, my God, so bad.

Well, she's great.

She's smart. She's funny.

But she has one of those shirts

that says "But First, Coffee" so...

- Oh. Say no more.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, by the way, when did you get a cat?

I don't have a cat.

Oh, well, then you have a
thing you need to deal with.

♪

Well, you guys look terrible.

We may look terrible, but
our hearts are full.

We slayed the allspice dragon
and lived to tell the tale.

I've never been prouder of a hangover.

Even though I sweated through my clothes

and my front door is painted
like the Swedish flag.

I'm not sure how that happened.

Last night I spent two hours

negotiating a peace treaty with
the spider in my bathroom.

We cool now, but I'm gonna
keep an eye on him.

I felt so bad about the whole
"congratulations" thing

that I drunk donated
$100 to Ellen DeGeneres.

Wasn't even a charity. I
just found her on Venmo.

I didn't think I was that
drunk, but I don't remember

any of the personal stuff you told us.

Oh, that's too bad.

I really bared my soul to you guys.

I went deep.

Oh, well. Never again.

Oh, hey. I have a surprise for you.

[GASPS] You put my garbage wine on tap?

Aw. Tell my boys I'll
write them on holidays.

I live here now.

Oh, uh, Abby, I just
wanted to apologize again.

I don't know why I
said "congratulations"

when you told me you were bisexual,

but it was not because
I felt uncomfortable.

Bill, relax.

Yes, saying "congratulations" was weird,

but at least your gut
reaction was something nice.

Weird but nice, and
that says a lot, so...

All right, well, if
there's anything I can do

to make it up to you,
just let me know, okay?

Actually, there might be something.

Do you want to help me catch a cat?

Uh, hell yeah. What are we talking here,

a tabby, calico, Siamese,
tuxedo, Russian Blue?

Yeah, you're the man for the job.