A to Z (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - H Is for Hostile Takeover - full transcript
Andrew begins to realize his choices are heavily influenced by his friends - specifically, Stu and Zelda. With Zelda's encouragement, Andrew confronts Big Bird about his stand on Wallflower's new business strategy, but his plan backfires when Big Bird promotes a young assistant, Jordan (guest star ALEX WYSE - Masters of Sex). Meanwhile, in an effort to have something all his own, Andrew tries to find a hobby he doesn't share with his friends.
Narrator: Andrew and Stu have a tradition.
Once a year, they watch
their favorite movie,
"Wall Street."
It never fails to deliver.
Who am I?
You're Bud Fox.
You make seven figures a year,
and you're boinking Daryl Hannah!
Why do you always get mad at that part?
Because no one ever asks
"Who am I?" out loud.
Yes, it's something that you think,
but you don't say it
specifically out loud.
Like when you wake up next to
your mom's best friend, Mindy,
after a Tequila bender.
Even then, you don't say it.
- Did that actually happen?
- Yeah.
I don't know... I feel like
you might say something like that
if you were pushed to the brink.
I don't see why it's that crazy.
You know, with that
sweater you're wearing,
I don't think I can trust
your barometer of crazy.
- Zelda got me this sweater...
- Huh?
And I dig it the most.
You know, I was thinking,
you could take that
sweater down to a shelter
and give it to a homeless man
so he can use it for warmth...
by burning it in a trash can.
I actually think that a shawl collar
looks very handsome on him.
That means nothing.
Everything looks handsome on him.
They modeled a mannequin
after Andrew's body
at our local mall.
- I got free cinnabun for a year.
- Oh!
I gained 40 pounds.
[Chuckles]
- "Wall Street"?
- [Chuckles]
- [Both imitate buzzer]
- [Laughs]
What the hell was that?
- It's this thing that Zelda and I do...
- That we do.
If a movie doesn't pass the Bechdel test.
Of course.
- What the hell is that?
- Well...
- [Ding!]
- Narrator: Zelda explained that the Bechdel test is
a feminist theory made popular
by cartoonist Alison Bechdel.
A movie only passes the test
if there's a scene where two
female characters with names
talk about something other than a man.
- [Ding!]
- You'd be shocked
how many movies don't pass that test.
Nothing shocks me anymore.
Narrator: Andrew and Zelda
will date for seven months,
one week, and seven hours.
This television program is
the comprehensive account
of their relationship...
From A to Z.
Stu: I don't believe it.
What?
Is that tea?
Yeah, Zelda got me into it.
Oh! Did she?
So, you're a tea drinker now, huh?
Drinking tea?
Is there a problem?
There was, but we fixed it
with the Revolutionary War.
- Ah.
- So, what are we gonna do now?
Are we gonna get bangers
and mash for lunch?
We gonna take a day off
when Kate squirts out another prince?
This is America!
Jordan: Hey, Andrew, I got those...
Ooh, is that chamomile?
- Jordan, adults are talking.
- OK.
When she put you in that ridiculous
sweater, I kept my mouth shut.
No, you didn't.
And when you started
describing your favorite movie
using these feminist theories,
I turned the other cheek.
You texted me a picture of your ass
and asked if that passed the Bechdel test.
But when she gets you drinking tea,
I cannot and I will not remain
silent for a second longer.
Lydia: All right, everybody! Shut up!
And gather around.
For once, you turkeys are actually doing
a halfway decent job.
So, as a thank you,
I've decided to sponsor
a frozen-yogurt run.
[Quietly] Y-a-a-a-a-ay!
[Chanting quietly] Lydia! Lydia!
You guys say it.
Lydia! Lydia!
All: [Chanting quietly] Lydia. Lydia.
Lydia: Calm down!
Site traffic increased 12% this month,
which means that people
are hooking up, breaking up,
and coming back for more.
Y-a-a-a-a-ay!
- [Keyboard clacking]
- _
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, that is a very angry e-mail
that you are sending to your boss.
[Sighs]
- Lots of caps.
- [Groans]
Stu spilled soy sauce on my computer,
and now the "shift" button is stuck.
But I am really worked up about this.
These new hook-up apps are taking over.
It's like we don't even care
about finding people love anymore.
"A company based on cheap thrills
won't profit in the long term."
This is really compelling.
Yeah, well, thank you.
No, wait. It is.
What are you... Aren't you gonna send it?
Oh, no, no, I had no
intention of sending that.
- That's just... I need to write
everything down and... - Mm-hmm.
get it out of my head.
Also, I had a hard lemonade.
See, now, that you
should keep to yourself.
But this e-mail could
really make her come around.
I mean, your job is to
make the company better.
And that's what you're doing.
You think?
Yeah, your boss needs
to know what's going on
in that very handsome head of yours.
I was told that my mannequin
helped sell a lot of hats.
Oh. I can totally see that.
I believe in you.
Hit "send."
Really enjoyed getting
this in my inbox last night.
A little shouty for my taste.
I had a hard lemonade.
I don't care.
Here's my favorite part...
"And I wouldn't be doing my job
"as the assistant director of marketing
if I didn't bring all
this to your attention."
You really mean that?
W-well, to be honest with you, I...
Hey, string bean!
Me?
You are the new assistant
director of marketing.
What?
Problem solved!
[Chuckles]
I can't believe I have to report to a guy
who's probably doing this
job for college credit.
[Sighs] I'm so sorry.
You know what? I think, tomorrow,
you should just march
right into Big Bird's office
and speak to her from your heart.
Show her the same passion you show me...
[Chuckling] Ew! Zelda, that's gross.
About your work.
Mm.
And then, I assure you,
you will get your job back.
- You think? - Yes.
- Great idea, Yoko.
I think we've had enough of your ideas.
So, in this scenario, you're
a member of The Beatles?
Maybe I should just come into work and...
Look, look, we all had a hearty chuckle
when you guys went ballroom dancing,
and everybody loves it
when you dress my boy in
a Captain Ahab sweater.
Oh, but in this scenario,
you've read a book?
They made a movie.
You are far too controlling of Andrew.
- Oh, I am not.
- Yes, you are.
But now his career is in shambles,
and your influence has brought great shame
and dishonor upon our home.
Okay. Okay, Stu, stop.
And, Zelda, thank you for your advice,
but I think I'm just gonna
lay low at work for a while.
Finish your rice.
He's just gonna get skinnier.
Andrew.
You got a sec?
What's up, Jordan?
I know I've only been here for three weeks
and now I'm your boss,
but I want you to think
of me as your friend.
Okay.
That being said, don't mistake
my kindness for weakness,
because... you do not want to cross me.
No, sirree.
What?
Whoa!
I hate to see you like this.
Zelda has completely changed you.
Stu, people rub off on
each other in relationships.
It's a natural thing.
Oh, yeah?
Name one way that
you've rubb off on Zelda.
See?
So, why are you letting her change you
when the old Andrew was doing just fine?
We need that guy back.
You know, for once,
that's actually not terrible advice.
Yeah.
Maybe... maybe I'm gonna have myself
a little "Andrew" night, you know?
- Do the things I like to do.
- Yeah.
Rediscover me.
That sounds great. Can I come?
Do you think I'm too controlling?
Do you think I'm too controlling?
Well, you do make me staple
everything on a diagonal
two centimeters from the top left...
It gives the strongest hold.
And you did put a password
on our DVR player because
- I don't know how to manage Sunday nights.
- How to manage Sunday nights.
You don't.
But, I mean, more in terms of my...
romantic relationships.
[Chuckling] Zelda.
It's like you're mission control
when it comes to your
romantic relationships.
[American accent] Uh,
Andrew, we have a problem.
[Chuckles]
[Normal voice] Oh, come on.
I don't get any credit for my familiarity
with the American space program?
Right, let's have a look at
the last three guys you dated.
Okay.
Notice the sweaters?
Huh?
See that?
[Sighs]
Well, you have to admit...
A shawl collar looks good on everyone.
Not my point, but, yeah.
Stu: I told him to make
mine super-, super-spicy,
'cause you know I can handle it,
but I told him to make
yours extra-, extra-mild
so that you don't get an upset stomach
like you get sometimes.
Okay.
- We got your "Wall Street" ready to go.
- Yes, we do.
Got your favorite Thai.
And... how is that?
- I dig it the most.
- Ha-ha! Yeah!
Andrew's back, baby! Whoo!
- Num, num, num, num.
- Aah.
Tastes like a forest fire.
Yeah.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
- Mmm.
- [Sighs]
- Isn't this the best?
- [Chuckles]
Narrator: And in this moment,
something dawned on Andrew.
- [Ding!]
- Here you go.
I thought we were eating pizza.
Thai food is the next big thing.
All the things he thought
were his favorites...
No!
You drink Scotch now.
"Wall Street" is our new favorite movie.
- [Ding!]
- Were not his favorite things at all.
- Son of a bitch.
- What?
Eat. It's gonna congeal.
What is it about me that makes me
so easily influenced by everybody?
Am I too open? Am I too weak?
- Yes.
- No!
Listen, I will be the first to admit
that sometimes I can be
a little... controlling,
which is why I got you
a Nordstrom gift card,
which you can use to
buy whatever you want.
- You don't have to do that.
- [Chuckles]
Yeah, whatever you
want from Nordstrom's...
Classic Zelda.
There's no "S." It's just Nordstrom.
So, you're gonna control
my grammar now, too?
- Stu.
- Okay, fine!
But I think that my influence
is way better than Stu's.
Do you want to go?
'Cause if you want to go
down to the dance floor,
you'd better be ready to tango,
'cause I got my tango hat on.
You guys have matching
pairs of sweat shorts.
- They're versatile.
- They're ridiculous.
- Guys.
- Say you're lounging around,
and a flag football game starts...
You don't have to change.
You get winded watching football.
- Guys.
- What's with you taking him
to the botanical gardens?
I'm sorry for wanting to
show him something beautiful.
I accept your apology.
Actually, I saw a pair
of cords at Nordstrom
that I think would look
really great on you.
Yeah, I'm not much of a cords guy.
I like the texture, but...
Very well-played, Zelda. [Chuckles]
I almost bought cords.
You will buy cords.
[Sighs, groans]
Woman: Order, dude! Come on!
Man: Oh, my God. Come on, man.
Man: Hurry up!
Just pick something.
What do you like?
Uh, I... don't know.
Um, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
I'm actually with him.
He's my brother, so, yeah, sorry.
Can I get two caramel blends, please?
Yes.
Andrew: Thank you.
My ex turned me on to these.
They're delicious.
Are you okay?
Well, uh, my best friend
and my new girlfriend
have shaped every aspect of my adult life,
so... not really.
No, I heard about the sweat shorts.
They're... versatile.
Well, it sounds to me
like you just need
something to call your own.
Like what?
I don't know, like a hobby or something.
Something you didn't get from anyone else,
something that's just yours.
You could be... scuba-diving guy, huh?
Not a strong swimmer.
Mm, base-jumping bro?
I get panic attacks in high places.
Oh! Panic-attack guy?
Not really a thing.
Well, what else are you good at?
- Well...
- [Ding!]
Narrator: Andrew fancies himself
good at a number of things.
They just aren't necessarily
ones you can do as a hobby,
like parallel parking,
opening jars,
climbing stairs.
Actually, that's a thing.
I'm sorry?
Climbing stairs... It's a sport.
My cousin is a competitive stair climber.
He's bit of a weirdo.
Anyway, there's, uh, events all over town.
Oh, here it is right here.
Thank you.
Competitive stair climbing...
It says it's like running
a 5k only up stairs.
Well, that sounds very interesting,
and it sounds to me like
you just found your thing.
Congrats.
- This could be good.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, can I come?
[Indistinct conversations]
- This is fantastic!
- I know.
I had completely forgotten
about these sneakers.
How cute are they? Do you like that?
- Very nice.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
You know, it's not like I'm gonna do
a million of these things,
but this is definitely a good first step
in finding out who I really am.
- Hey, Andrew.
- Hey, Andrew.
What are you guys doing here?
We didn't know you climbed.
Oh, uh, this is actually my first race.
Ah, you always remember your first.
Mine was a 16-flighter in Pasadena.
I've been a story stepper ever since.
[Both chuckle]
Where do you train?
Silverlake stairs?
I... oh, I haven't... I haven't trained.
And you're entering a competition?
Wow. My most heartfelt
condolences to your calves.
[Chuckles]
Just stay off my rails,
and we won't have a problem.
Can I go now?
[Cheers and applause]
So, it's literally just climbing stairs.
I know, right?
Right, I just thought there
might be some obstacles
or something like that.
The only obstacle is your own self-doubt.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh, my. Hello.
Hi! [Chuckling] Hey.
Hey. What is all this?
We are competitive stair climbers.
Yeah. [Chuckles]
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
I'm a roadie for ZZ Top.
- They're playing here tonight.
- Oh.
Do you like ZZ Top?
I definitely could. Yes. Yes, I...
- Hey. I lost you.
- Hi.
- Yeah. Um, so...
- Man: Hey.
I'm gonna leave you to it
because I think this is
more your thing, really.
- I've got a stitch.
- Oh.
So, um, but I'll call you later, yeah?
- Okay.
- Good talk.
I-I'll see you in the next go-around, then.
Okay.
[Cheers and applause]
I think it's great that
Andrew has finally found
something he can call his own.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey!
Yay!
You look good!
Very good at what you're doing!
You have beautiful legs!
Good form!
Kind of an odd choice, though.
Certainly wouldn't be my first.
Yeah.
[Both chuckle]
[Groans]
Pick a side, rook!
Off the rails!
Next time, try an escalator.
[Grunts]
[Panting]
[Sighs]
Who am I?
Man: You're Andrew.
It says so right there on your race bib.
Oh, uh... I know.
I was just... being reflective.
I got you.
Thank you.
Well, that's kind of
a strange thing to say out loud, guy.
Seems like something you
think but keep to yourself.
Could I... Could I just get a moment?
Okay... Andrew.
[Sighs]
Woman: Okay. Bye.
[Sighs]
Andrew, can I lay some "Wis" on you?
No.
Dom... "Wisdom."
I can't abbreviate that one.
I see that now.
Anyway, my homie Steve
Jobs once posited...
What is it, Jordan? [Sighs]
Well, I figure now that we're getting rid
of the matchmaking side of the company...
What?!
[Groans]
Aah.
[Sighs] Excuse me.
Lydia!
Stu: Don't do it.
Abort. Abort the mission.
[Grunts] Lydia!
Hey, how are those calves?
They're sore, Dinesh!
Lydia, can I have a minute?
Not unless you can keep up with me.
Wallflower is headed
in the wrong direction.
We need to be focusing on
helping people find love,
not hookups.
I know it sounds crazy,
but I think the original
founders of this company
were on to something.
They were... bankruptcy.
That's why they're gone,
and I was brought in.
We are hemorrhaging money.
We are in the red!
This was red. Has this
been painted recently?
Lydia, as the former assistant
director of marketing,
I can tell you that the matchmaking app,
unlike the ones that promote hookups,
creates happy, lasting couples,
which is this company's best advertising.
It gives people hope.
I'd have to see some numbers.
Here.
Had the numbers ready to go.
Really said that more as a stall.
Give me and the program
another six months.
I promise you'll see growth.
Okay.
Okay... I can have my job back?
Sure.
The love stuff's your problem now.
You better make it work.
And no more speeches
putting me on the spot.
Jordan, you're out!
Oh, thank God. I had no
idea what I was doing.
I mean, what the hell
is marketing, anyway?
- Am I right? [Chuckling]
- Yeah.
[Chuckles] I got first pl...
And, uh... That's fine.
This could be a big
turning point in my career.
And that right there was the first time
I referred to my job as a career.
- Ohh.
- Isn't that cool?
Yeah. Caramel blended, please.
- Man: You got it.
- Thank you.
I'm very proud of you.
Thank you.
And you spoke from the
heart, and it worked.
Yeah.
Which is... [Chuckles]
exactly what you told me
to do after I got demoted.
What?
I don't know.
It's just... as soon as
I thought I found my voice,
it turns out to just be a product
of what other people tell me to say.
You know, it's like, do I
have a single original thought?
Of course you do. That
speech was all your idea.
This whole thing was.
I just gave you a little extra push.
That's all.
- Mm.
- Okay. All right.
Maybe you've changed a
little bit because of me.
But if some good comes
out of it, who cares?
Everyone influences
the people around them.
Stephie turned me on to caramel blendeds,
and now I have three a day.
- Three a day?
- Mm-hmm.
- That seems like way too many.
- Mm.
With whipped cream, right?
Yeah, I dig it the most.
Thank you.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
Narrator: Perhaps Zelda was right.
After all, Jordan is
wearing a shawl collar
because of Andrew.
Lora got Dinesh into Greek salads.
Stephie started listening to this podcast
based on Zelda's suggestion.
Big Bird bought a pair
of sunglasses at Barneys.
Stu liked them so much,
he bought the same pair at Nordstrom's
with Andrew's gift card.
Everyone is connected, some
more closely than others.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
It's a real shame that
more movies and TV shows
don't pass the Bechdel test, Zelda.
I couldn't agree more.
Especially in this day and age.
Mm, and women have so much more
to talk about than just guys.
Totally. Quite frankly, it's insulting.
Mm.
Hey, if there are two women talking
about the Bechdel test in a scene,
does that pass the Bechdel test?
That's a good question, Stephie.
Yeah, I think it does.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
So are gonna go out with
that roadie for ZZ Top again?
Yeah. He was really cute.
***
Once a year, they watch
their favorite movie,
"Wall Street."
It never fails to deliver.
Who am I?
You're Bud Fox.
You make seven figures a year,
and you're boinking Daryl Hannah!
Why do you always get mad at that part?
Because no one ever asks
"Who am I?" out loud.
Yes, it's something that you think,
but you don't say it
specifically out loud.
Like when you wake up next to
your mom's best friend, Mindy,
after a Tequila bender.
Even then, you don't say it.
- Did that actually happen?
- Yeah.
I don't know... I feel like
you might say something like that
if you were pushed to the brink.
I don't see why it's that crazy.
You know, with that
sweater you're wearing,
I don't think I can trust
your barometer of crazy.
- Zelda got me this sweater...
- Huh?
And I dig it the most.
You know, I was thinking,
you could take that
sweater down to a shelter
and give it to a homeless man
so he can use it for warmth...
by burning it in a trash can.
I actually think that a shawl collar
looks very handsome on him.
That means nothing.
Everything looks handsome on him.
They modeled a mannequin
after Andrew's body
at our local mall.
- I got free cinnabun for a year.
- Oh!
I gained 40 pounds.
[Chuckles]
- "Wall Street"?
- [Chuckles]
- [Both imitate buzzer]
- [Laughs]
What the hell was that?
- It's this thing that Zelda and I do...
- That we do.
If a movie doesn't pass the Bechdel test.
Of course.
- What the hell is that?
- Well...
- [Ding!]
- Narrator: Zelda explained that the Bechdel test is
a feminist theory made popular
by cartoonist Alison Bechdel.
A movie only passes the test
if there's a scene where two
female characters with names
talk about something other than a man.
- [Ding!]
- You'd be shocked
how many movies don't pass that test.
Nothing shocks me anymore.
Narrator: Andrew and Zelda
will date for seven months,
one week, and seven hours.
This television program is
the comprehensive account
of their relationship...
From A to Z.
Stu: I don't believe it.
What?
Is that tea?
Yeah, Zelda got me into it.
Oh! Did she?
So, you're a tea drinker now, huh?
Drinking tea?
Is there a problem?
There was, but we fixed it
with the Revolutionary War.
- Ah.
- So, what are we gonna do now?
Are we gonna get bangers
and mash for lunch?
We gonna take a day off
when Kate squirts out another prince?
This is America!
Jordan: Hey, Andrew, I got those...
Ooh, is that chamomile?
- Jordan, adults are talking.
- OK.
When she put you in that ridiculous
sweater, I kept my mouth shut.
No, you didn't.
And when you started
describing your favorite movie
using these feminist theories,
I turned the other cheek.
You texted me a picture of your ass
and asked if that passed the Bechdel test.
But when she gets you drinking tea,
I cannot and I will not remain
silent for a second longer.
Lydia: All right, everybody! Shut up!
And gather around.
For once, you turkeys are actually doing
a halfway decent job.
So, as a thank you,
I've decided to sponsor
a frozen-yogurt run.
[Quietly] Y-a-a-a-a-ay!
[Chanting quietly] Lydia! Lydia!
You guys say it.
Lydia! Lydia!
All: [Chanting quietly] Lydia. Lydia.
Lydia: Calm down!
Site traffic increased 12% this month,
which means that people
are hooking up, breaking up,
and coming back for more.
Y-a-a-a-a-ay!
- [Keyboard clacking]
- _
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, that is a very angry e-mail
that you are sending to your boss.
[Sighs]
- Lots of caps.
- [Groans]
Stu spilled soy sauce on my computer,
and now the "shift" button is stuck.
But I am really worked up about this.
These new hook-up apps are taking over.
It's like we don't even care
about finding people love anymore.
"A company based on cheap thrills
won't profit in the long term."
This is really compelling.
Yeah, well, thank you.
No, wait. It is.
What are you... Aren't you gonna send it?
Oh, no, no, I had no
intention of sending that.
- That's just... I need to write
everything down and... - Mm-hmm.
get it out of my head.
Also, I had a hard lemonade.
See, now, that you
should keep to yourself.
But this e-mail could
really make her come around.
I mean, your job is to
make the company better.
And that's what you're doing.
You think?
Yeah, your boss needs
to know what's going on
in that very handsome head of yours.
I was told that my mannequin
helped sell a lot of hats.
Oh. I can totally see that.
I believe in you.
Hit "send."
Really enjoyed getting
this in my inbox last night.
A little shouty for my taste.
I had a hard lemonade.
I don't care.
Here's my favorite part...
"And I wouldn't be doing my job
"as the assistant director of marketing
if I didn't bring all
this to your attention."
You really mean that?
W-well, to be honest with you, I...
Hey, string bean!
Me?
You are the new assistant
director of marketing.
What?
Problem solved!
[Chuckles]
I can't believe I have to report to a guy
who's probably doing this
job for college credit.
[Sighs] I'm so sorry.
You know what? I think, tomorrow,
you should just march
right into Big Bird's office
and speak to her from your heart.
Show her the same passion you show me...
[Chuckling] Ew! Zelda, that's gross.
About your work.
Mm.
And then, I assure you,
you will get your job back.
- You think? - Yes.
- Great idea, Yoko.
I think we've had enough of your ideas.
So, in this scenario, you're
a member of The Beatles?
Maybe I should just come into work and...
Look, look, we all had a hearty chuckle
when you guys went ballroom dancing,
and everybody loves it
when you dress my boy in
a Captain Ahab sweater.
Oh, but in this scenario,
you've read a book?
They made a movie.
You are far too controlling of Andrew.
- Oh, I am not.
- Yes, you are.
But now his career is in shambles,
and your influence has brought great shame
and dishonor upon our home.
Okay. Okay, Stu, stop.
And, Zelda, thank you for your advice,
but I think I'm just gonna
lay low at work for a while.
Finish your rice.
He's just gonna get skinnier.
Andrew.
You got a sec?
What's up, Jordan?
I know I've only been here for three weeks
and now I'm your boss,
but I want you to think
of me as your friend.
Okay.
That being said, don't mistake
my kindness for weakness,
because... you do not want to cross me.
No, sirree.
What?
Whoa!
I hate to see you like this.
Zelda has completely changed you.
Stu, people rub off on
each other in relationships.
It's a natural thing.
Oh, yeah?
Name one way that
you've rubb off on Zelda.
See?
So, why are you letting her change you
when the old Andrew was doing just fine?
We need that guy back.
You know, for once,
that's actually not terrible advice.
Yeah.
Maybe... maybe I'm gonna have myself
a little "Andrew" night, you know?
- Do the things I like to do.
- Yeah.
Rediscover me.
That sounds great. Can I come?
Do you think I'm too controlling?
Do you think I'm too controlling?
Well, you do make me staple
everything on a diagonal
two centimeters from the top left...
It gives the strongest hold.
And you did put a password
on our DVR player because
- I don't know how to manage Sunday nights.
- How to manage Sunday nights.
You don't.
But, I mean, more in terms of my...
romantic relationships.
[Chuckling] Zelda.
It's like you're mission control
when it comes to your
romantic relationships.
[American accent] Uh,
Andrew, we have a problem.
[Chuckles]
[Normal voice] Oh, come on.
I don't get any credit for my familiarity
with the American space program?
Right, let's have a look at
the last three guys you dated.
Okay.
Notice the sweaters?
Huh?
See that?
[Sighs]
Well, you have to admit...
A shawl collar looks good on everyone.
Not my point, but, yeah.
Stu: I told him to make
mine super-, super-spicy,
'cause you know I can handle it,
but I told him to make
yours extra-, extra-mild
so that you don't get an upset stomach
like you get sometimes.
Okay.
- We got your "Wall Street" ready to go.
- Yes, we do.
Got your favorite Thai.
And... how is that?
- I dig it the most.
- Ha-ha! Yeah!
Andrew's back, baby! Whoo!
- Num, num, num, num.
- Aah.
Tastes like a forest fire.
Yeah.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
- Mmm.
- [Sighs]
- Isn't this the best?
- [Chuckles]
Narrator: And in this moment,
something dawned on Andrew.
- [Ding!]
- Here you go.
I thought we were eating pizza.
Thai food is the next big thing.
All the things he thought
were his favorites...
No!
You drink Scotch now.
"Wall Street" is our new favorite movie.
- [Ding!]
- Were not his favorite things at all.
- Son of a bitch.
- What?
Eat. It's gonna congeal.
What is it about me that makes me
so easily influenced by everybody?
Am I too open? Am I too weak?
- Yes.
- No!
Listen, I will be the first to admit
that sometimes I can be
a little... controlling,
which is why I got you
a Nordstrom gift card,
which you can use to
buy whatever you want.
- You don't have to do that.
- [Chuckles]
Yeah, whatever you
want from Nordstrom's...
Classic Zelda.
There's no "S." It's just Nordstrom.
So, you're gonna control
my grammar now, too?
- Stu.
- Okay, fine!
But I think that my influence
is way better than Stu's.
Do you want to go?
'Cause if you want to go
down to the dance floor,
you'd better be ready to tango,
'cause I got my tango hat on.
You guys have matching
pairs of sweat shorts.
- They're versatile.
- They're ridiculous.
- Guys.
- Say you're lounging around,
and a flag football game starts...
You don't have to change.
You get winded watching football.
- Guys.
- What's with you taking him
to the botanical gardens?
I'm sorry for wanting to
show him something beautiful.
I accept your apology.
Actually, I saw a pair
of cords at Nordstrom
that I think would look
really great on you.
Yeah, I'm not much of a cords guy.
I like the texture, but...
Very well-played, Zelda. [Chuckles]
I almost bought cords.
You will buy cords.
[Sighs, groans]
Woman: Order, dude! Come on!
Man: Oh, my God. Come on, man.
Man: Hurry up!
Just pick something.
What do you like?
Uh, I... don't know.
Um, sorry. Sorry, sorry.
I'm actually with him.
He's my brother, so, yeah, sorry.
Can I get two caramel blends, please?
Yes.
Andrew: Thank you.
My ex turned me on to these.
They're delicious.
Are you okay?
Well, uh, my best friend
and my new girlfriend
have shaped every aspect of my adult life,
so... not really.
No, I heard about the sweat shorts.
They're... versatile.
Well, it sounds to me
like you just need
something to call your own.
Like what?
I don't know, like a hobby or something.
Something you didn't get from anyone else,
something that's just yours.
You could be... scuba-diving guy, huh?
Not a strong swimmer.
Mm, base-jumping bro?
I get panic attacks in high places.
Oh! Panic-attack guy?
Not really a thing.
Well, what else are you good at?
- Well...
- [Ding!]
Narrator: Andrew fancies himself
good at a number of things.
They just aren't necessarily
ones you can do as a hobby,
like parallel parking,
opening jars,
climbing stairs.
Actually, that's a thing.
I'm sorry?
Climbing stairs... It's a sport.
My cousin is a competitive stair climber.
He's bit of a weirdo.
Anyway, there's, uh, events all over town.
Oh, here it is right here.
Thank you.
Competitive stair climbing...
It says it's like running
a 5k only up stairs.
Well, that sounds very interesting,
and it sounds to me like
you just found your thing.
Congrats.
- This could be good.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, can I come?
[Indistinct conversations]
- This is fantastic!
- I know.
I had completely forgotten
about these sneakers.
How cute are they? Do you like that?
- Very nice.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm so proud of you, buddy.
You know, it's not like I'm gonna do
a million of these things,
but this is definitely a good first step
in finding out who I really am.
- Hey, Andrew.
- Hey, Andrew.
What are you guys doing here?
We didn't know you climbed.
Oh, uh, this is actually my first race.
Ah, you always remember your first.
Mine was a 16-flighter in Pasadena.
I've been a story stepper ever since.
[Both chuckle]
Where do you train?
Silverlake stairs?
I... oh, I haven't... I haven't trained.
And you're entering a competition?
Wow. My most heartfelt
condolences to your calves.
[Chuckles]
Just stay off my rails,
and we won't have a problem.
Can I go now?
[Cheers and applause]
So, it's literally just climbing stairs.
I know, right?
Right, I just thought there
might be some obstacles
or something like that.
The only obstacle is your own self-doubt.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Oh, my. Hello.
Hi! [Chuckling] Hey.
Hey. What is all this?
We are competitive stair climbers.
Yeah. [Chuckles]
- That's weird.
- Yeah.
I'm a roadie for ZZ Top.
- They're playing here tonight.
- Oh.
Do you like ZZ Top?
I definitely could. Yes. Yes, I...
- Hey. I lost you.
- Hi.
- Yeah. Um, so...
- Man: Hey.
I'm gonna leave you to it
because I think this is
more your thing, really.
- I've got a stitch.
- Oh.
So, um, but I'll call you later, yeah?
- Okay.
- Good talk.
I-I'll see you in the next go-around, then.
Okay.
[Cheers and applause]
I think it's great that
Andrew has finally found
something he can call his own.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey!
Yay!
You look good!
Very good at what you're doing!
You have beautiful legs!
Good form!
Kind of an odd choice, though.
Certainly wouldn't be my first.
Yeah.
[Both chuckle]
[Groans]
Pick a side, rook!
Off the rails!
Next time, try an escalator.
[Grunts]
[Panting]
[Sighs]
Who am I?
Man: You're Andrew.
It says so right there on your race bib.
Oh, uh... I know.
I was just... being reflective.
I got you.
Thank you.
Well, that's kind of
a strange thing to say out loud, guy.
Seems like something you
think but keep to yourself.
Could I... Could I just get a moment?
Okay... Andrew.
[Sighs]
Woman: Okay. Bye.
[Sighs]
Andrew, can I lay some "Wis" on you?
No.
Dom... "Wisdom."
I can't abbreviate that one.
I see that now.
Anyway, my homie Steve
Jobs once posited...
What is it, Jordan? [Sighs]
Well, I figure now that we're getting rid
of the matchmaking side of the company...
What?!
[Groans]
Aah.
[Sighs] Excuse me.
Lydia!
Stu: Don't do it.
Abort. Abort the mission.
[Grunts] Lydia!
Hey, how are those calves?
They're sore, Dinesh!
Lydia, can I have a minute?
Not unless you can keep up with me.
Wallflower is headed
in the wrong direction.
We need to be focusing on
helping people find love,
not hookups.
I know it sounds crazy,
but I think the original
founders of this company
were on to something.
They were... bankruptcy.
That's why they're gone,
and I was brought in.
We are hemorrhaging money.
We are in the red!
This was red. Has this
been painted recently?
Lydia, as the former assistant
director of marketing,
I can tell you that the matchmaking app,
unlike the ones that promote hookups,
creates happy, lasting couples,
which is this company's best advertising.
It gives people hope.
I'd have to see some numbers.
Here.
Had the numbers ready to go.
Really said that more as a stall.
Give me and the program
another six months.
I promise you'll see growth.
Okay.
Okay... I can have my job back?
Sure.
The love stuff's your problem now.
You better make it work.
And no more speeches
putting me on the spot.
Jordan, you're out!
Oh, thank God. I had no
idea what I was doing.
I mean, what the hell
is marketing, anyway?
- Am I right? [Chuckling]
- Yeah.
[Chuckles] I got first pl...
And, uh... That's fine.
This could be a big
turning point in my career.
And that right there was the first time
I referred to my job as a career.
- Ohh.
- Isn't that cool?
Yeah. Caramel blended, please.
- Man: You got it.
- Thank you.
I'm very proud of you.
Thank you.
And you spoke from the
heart, and it worked.
Yeah.
Which is... [Chuckles]
exactly what you told me
to do after I got demoted.
What?
I don't know.
It's just... as soon as
I thought I found my voice,
it turns out to just be a product
of what other people tell me to say.
You know, it's like, do I
have a single original thought?
Of course you do. That
speech was all your idea.
This whole thing was.
I just gave you a little extra push.
That's all.
- Mm.
- Okay. All right.
Maybe you've changed a
little bit because of me.
But if some good comes
out of it, who cares?
Everyone influences
the people around them.
Stephie turned me on to caramel blendeds,
and now I have three a day.
- Three a day?
- Mm-hmm.
- That seems like way too many.
- Mm.
With whipped cream, right?
Yeah, I dig it the most.
Thank you.
What?
Nothing.
What?
Nothing.
Narrator: Perhaps Zelda was right.
After all, Jordan is
wearing a shawl collar
because of Andrew.
Lora got Dinesh into Greek salads.
Stephie started listening to this podcast
based on Zelda's suggestion.
Big Bird bought a pair
of sunglasses at Barneys.
Stu liked them so much,
he bought the same pair at Nordstrom's
with Andrew's gift card.
Everyone is connected, some
more closely than others.
[Mid-tempo music plays]
It's a real shame that
more movies and TV shows
don't pass the Bechdel test, Zelda.
I couldn't agree more.
Especially in this day and age.
Mm, and women have so much more
to talk about than just guys.
Totally. Quite frankly, it's insulting.
Mm.
Hey, if there are two women talking
about the Bechdel test in a scene,
does that pass the Bechdel test?
That's a good question, Stephie.
Yeah, I think it does.
[Ding! Ding! Ding!]
So are gonna go out with
that roadie for ZZ Top again?
Yeah. He was really cute.
***