A to Z (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Is for Acquaintances - full transcript

Let me tell you the story of
a couple, one of the greats.

Andrew is a guy's guy, he likes
sports and Liam Neeson movies.

But Andrew has another side.

Andrew's romanticism grew
directly from his parents.

When he was young, his mother died.

And ever since, he's held his
parents up as at perfect couple.

He works for an Internet
dating company and is passionate

about helping others find happiness.

Yet Andrew is still alone.

Hi.

Zelda is a girl's girl,
she likes pedicures



and themed cocktail parties.

And she loves being a lawyer.

Who is the innocent victim here?

The answer is in front of
your face in black and white.

For Zelda, the legal system
offers order and control,

which growing up she craved.

Have a good day at school, honey.

She doesn't blame her mom,

but relationship role
models were hard to find.

So when it comes to dating,
her defenses are way up.

And like Andrew, she is also alone.

Today is the day Andrew
and Zelda will meet.

Andrew Lofland and Zelda Vasco
will date for eight months,

three weeks, five days, and one hour.



This television program is
the comprehensive account

of their relationship from A to Z.

I want to read you all a
little something that came

across my desk this morning.

"This is a letter of sincere
gratitude because if it weren't

for Wallflower I would never
have met the love of my life

and had our three wonderful boys."

We're getting way too
many of these, people.

The idea is to keep them paying
the monthly fee; they won't do

that if they get married.

No! No!

Keep pushing the new app, folks.

They swipe, they click,
they hook up.

They swipe, they click, they hook up.
They swipe, they click, they hook up.

And remember, every time a picture
goes up there, you have all failed.

Okay.

This place used to do real matchmaking.

Only things we connect anymore
are penises and vaginas.

I know.

Isn't it great?

Come on.

I was watching this video and
just had a bowlful of tentacles.

And you pour, like, soy
sauce over them and they,

- like, come back to life.
- Thank you for watching. Thank you.

No, you can try a child as an adult
but not the other way around.

How can a tentacle be alive if they're not?

No, it does not matter
if the crime is adorable.

Oh my God, that is adorable.

Can I call you back?
Great. Hi, I'm Zelda Vasco.

- I'm here for 9:30.
- Wait a second, wait a second.

Are you a library book?

Why?

Because I want to check you out.

What are you doing?

It's a good pick-up line.

And it's a good pick-up line

that you can use while you hit on her.

I'm not going to hit on her.

You're not going to go hit on her?

I don't need your help.

- It's fine.
- Let me warm her up.

I got this great bit I do.
It's called "Man Who's Lost."

All right, watch this.

No, no, no, no.

We're not doing this.

We're not doing this.

Will you show me where the bus station?

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's...

He is taking me.

Enough of that, thank you.

Hi, I'm Andrew.

Hi. Zelda.

Do you work here?

Oh, yes.

I do. I do work here.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'm here for an interview
about my experience on this site.

Oh, you came in the wrong way.

You want the relationship labs,

they have their own special entrance.

We call it the "doggy door."

Okay. I'm so sorry, have we met before?

Classic pick-up line.

What?

Well done, too.

But you don't need one for him.

That wasn't a pick-up line.

Can you just back up, like, four inches.

I'm sorry, I just like to be closer.

How about I show you to the lab?

Great.

Just the two of you, right?

Excuse me.

We'll be back in just a second.

Have fun on your hallway date.

I'm sorry about that.

How did your experience on the site go?

Did you find any matches?

No, not even close.

That's great.

That's not great... I don't
know why I said that.

I'm sorry.

No, don't be.

I didn't want to do it in the first place.

My friend Stephie signed me
up, and I'm actually just here

for this interview to try
and get her money back.

Ah. So you don't really do
the whole online dating thing?

I'm actually not really into
the dating thing at all right now.

- Why is that?
- I'm very busy.

May I ask what it is that you do?

I am a lawyer.

I've heard of that... lawyers are busy.

Yeah, they certainly are.

What kind of law is it?
Is it, like, maritime law?

No. I do pro bono work

for an otherwise sinister
white-collar firm.

I got to tell you, I am pro-pro bono.

I'm not really into the
dating thing right now.

Do you remember
when I said that before?

Yeah, of course I remember.

What does that have to do anything?

Well, you're clearly taking
me the long way to these labs.

Oh, these labs.

Right. And you thought
that that was because... no.

I'm just taking you the scenic route.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah. Had I taken you
directly to where you needed to be,

you would have missed
some unbelievable sights.

Like for instance, that.

Wow. I owe you an apology.

It's okay.

Zelda Vasco?

Yep.

You want to come on in?
Your date's already here.

Oh, so you're...

Bye.

Bye or bi?

Bye as in goodbye or bi as in...

Bi-sexual.

Yes, you should ask her out
because dating a bi girl is kind

of like winning the sexual lottery.

You know, and they don't
call it Powerball for nothing.

Hey, don't worry.

We can't hear everything
that you're saying!

_

Attention.

Zelda? She went out the other door.

Attention, everyone. Gather around, please.

Right now. This is urgent.

We've got a crisis.

I need to you round up personnel,
customer care, finances.

What happened?

- That lawyer.
- Zelda.

Turns out she's straight
but the site screwed up

and paired her with that other girl.

Our matching algorithm has a bug in it.

If word of this gets out...

You know what?

I think I can help.

Yes, please tell me.

If you give me her number, I'll just call.

I can't give out personal information.

Please, Lydia, I need
to see this girl again.

No!

Andrew?

What?

Call for you.

Andrew Lofland.

Is your desk always that messy?

I think that this is why I
thought we had met before.

Duh. I must have seen you
around the office park.

Not true.

Yes, Zelda's firm moved
into the same complex

as Andrew's company over two months ago.

But despite being within
five feet of each other

on nineteen different occasions...

Oh my goodness, you're so tiny.

They never once laid eyes on each other.

I'll talk to you guys later.

He's so cute.

This is not where they've
seen each other before.

Wow, I... you know, maybe we should...

Oh, you know what?

I have to jump off for a deposition,

but I'll see you around.

Oh, oh.

Are you... oh.

Your witness, Miss Vasco.

Miss Vasco?

Yoo-hoo?

And machines that
they can't get on their own.

Andrew? Thank you.

Yes!

Yeah.

I'm going to take a dump.

There's a lot of things you don't know

about the online dating world.

Oh, my God. Is that so?
Please enlighten me.

Well, for instance, when a
guy chooses a girl on the site,

guess how important it is
that she have a college degree?

I'm going to go with of no importance.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

You got it.

Well, I'm college-educated.

Which is of no importance to me.

Cheers?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What? Do you hate it?

What did you get, the Martini Navratilova?

We can get another one.

Are you taking a picture,
or what's happening?

Yes, I knew it.

So I got dragged by an ex-boyfriend

to see this band a couple of years back.

They're one of those groups
with, like, fifty people

on stage and everybody looks
like they're from the Dust Bowl.

Wait, was that the show at the Avalon 2012?

Yeah. Oh, my God.
Were you there?

That's so weird.

Why do they yell "hey" in every song?

Are you okay?

Did I just offend you?

Are you, like, their biggest fan?

I'm just remembering something
that happened at that show.

I was dragged there, too,
by a bunch of friends.

Yeah.

And during the third encore,

I noticed this girl from across the room.

And it's all coming back to me.

Okay. So you know how
people have, like, a type?

Yeah.

Okay. So this girl was my type.

And I remember looking at her and thinking,

"I wish I was here with that girl."

And not just that night.

Like, I in that moment pictured
our entire lives together.

So I tried to go after her, but
I couldn't because of the crowd.

And then she was gone.

And I'll be damned if that girl wasn't you.

What?

That's why you thought you recognized me.

That's why you thought we had met before.

Because you were that girl.

You must have seen me.

You were wearing a silver dress.

Now, this is crazy.

This is destiny is what this is.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Are you remembering?

I was just remembering my
mother because she was really

into destiny, too... that and divorce.

So you don't believe in destiny?

I believe that you can find
evidence that proves anything.

That's what I do for living,
that's my job.

I did it today.

But, Zelda, listen.

Come on. This is like the kind of
story that people tell their kids.

Like, my mom and dad...

Oh, so we're going to have kids?

I wasn't...

I'm going to get this.

Oh, no.

Don't. No, no.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry, that was... okay.

That's okay.

Actually, I'm going to go.

Zelda, wait.

Hold on just one second.

This was, like... this is meant to be.

Meant to be?

No, it's not.

Because I wasn't the girl
that you saw that night,

and I don't even own a silver dress.

Oh.

I think we should be friends.

I will see you at the office park.

Tell you what, I'll get you a Martini
Luther King Jr. on the house.

How would that be?

All right.

Eggs a la Stu.

I'm right about this.

You know what eggs a la Stu means, right?

I got lucky.

And I'll spare you the details
because they're pretty graphic.

It was her in the silver
dress, I'm sure of it.

She just remembers it wrong.

Don't women usually know
what they wore to stuff?

That was definitely her, Stu.

This is like the hoverboard thing.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Starting to sound just
like the hoverboard thing.

Stop saying "the hoverboard thing".
It's not.

Hoverboard thing.
Hoverboard thing.

Not the hoverboard thing.

Twenty years ago,

a nine-year-old Andrew
was watching the making

of his fifth-favorite movie.

A hoverboard is a board that
hovers on magnetic energy.

And they've been around for years,

it's just that parents'
groups have not let the toy

manufactures make them.

But we got our hands on some.

What the heck?

What the heck does that
have to do with Zelda?

You're stubborn.

I love you, but once
there's an idea in your head,

there's no moving you off of it.

You're just so sure that
it was Zelda in the dress,

just like you're so sure
that there was a conspiracy

to keep hoverboards from children.

There was.

He admitted to it on TV.

Spielberg was joking.

It was Robert Zemeckis.

Oh. So they're both in on it now?

I'm right about this.

And you know what?

I'm going to prove it.

Oh, which one?

That hoverboards exist, or
that it was Zelda in the dress?

Both. Which one you want me to prove first?

Hoverboards.

Silver dress it is.

I made you breakfast.

This is Stephie, Zelda's
friend from law school.

She likes whatever her boyfriends like

and giving relationship advice.

I thought you really liked him.

Yeah, I did.

I do. You know, but it turns
out that we're way too different.

I live in reality and
he believes in destiny

and probably unicorns.

I'm just saying that I go out
with guys who are different

from me all the time
and we get on just fine.

You hooked up with a jazz
trumpeter on Friday night

and by Saturday you were
wearing a pork pie hat

and listening to Miles Davis.

Yes.

You hate jazz.

I do not hate jazz,
I just never gave it a chance.

But since I met Scatman.

Scatman?

Scatman Des Moines.

I think I could really get into this,
you know, make it my thing.

Fine. Maybe I am too
open-minded, too pliable,

too much of a sexy social chameleon.

But I am trying, Z. And that
is the only way you are going

to have a stab at being happy.

I'm happy.

I am very, very, very, extremely happy.

Zelda Vasco speaking.

Liar. Yes, I'm talking to you.

I don't understand what you're asking us.

Just use your expertise, Dinesh.

Dig into the long tail of
the Internet and find proof

that Zelda was there at the
show and in the silver dress.

Then she's going to have to admit
that we were meant to be together.

She'll have to admit that you're insane.

I don't know.

Do you guys believe in the one?

Yeah, like Neo from "The Matrix".

No, not like Neo from
the... like soulmates.

Dude, these are programmers. All right?
They only believe in logic and math.

- Oh, I totally believe in it.
- For sure.

Of course, if you believe in the one,

you must also accept the fact
that the negative one also exists.

The negative one?

- Think about it, you start dating someone.
- For a while things are perfect.

You go to Comic-Con dressed
as Nightwing and Starfire.

From our Wolf man's run
on "The New Teen Titans".

Okay.

But then things change.

Everything they do
starts to drive you nuts.

Like how they write on windows
after they saw the social network.

It doesn't make you
Mark Zuckerberg, does it?

Or how they point out ways
how you're not Mark Zuckerberg.

The person you thought was the one turns

out to be the negative one.

That's interesting.

Good story, but...

Hey. Why are you all standing around?

Are you mingling?

I'll send you a link to
her Wallflower profile.

How fast can you work?

We're on it.

Great.

So the Japanese dog then
turns towards the camera

and it smiles.

- The dog smiles?
- The dog smiles.

But I don't think it
has the muscles to smile,

so it had a stroke or something.

Zelda?

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, my goodness.

That's so funny that we
never saw each other before.

And now we're...

Now we see each other everywhere.

Yeah, it's a regular
Baader-Meinhof situation.

- Yeah, exactly.
- What is that?

It's the phenomenon when
you learn about something

for the first time and
then suddenly you hear

about it everywhere.

That's dumb.

Do you want to jump ahead of me in line?

I do.

So actually, before you say anything,

I overreacted the other
night, I think, a little bit.

And I've been thinking about it,
and I just really want to say...

Andrew.

Oh, uh...

Andrew.

Sorry, one second.

We got it.

It was easy.

First off, we got a
complete list of everyone

who went to that band.

And then we combed through
their Instagram photos.

Unsnapped some Snapchats.

And boom, there she was.

Took us a while for us to find her,

but then we saw her all over.

It was a Baader-Meinhof situation.

Oh, hey.

I just learned about that, that... whoa.

So you found pictures of her?

Pictures of who?

Hey, you're her.

No.

Did you have these lunatics dig

around the Internet for pictures of me?

Yes.

No, no.

Remember on our date you said

that you could find evidence
that proves anything.

That's all I was doing, was... was...

was finding proof that you were

in a silver dress, which you were not.

Nope.

And it's the second night.

What?

Yeah, there were two shows that weekend.

You went to the first; these
are from the second show.

So we weren't even at the same show?

I can't believe I was
about to apologize to you

after you violated my privacy like this?

Scatman?

No way.

Stephie.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Enchante.

Scatman?

This is Scatman Des Moines,
the famous jazz trumpeter.

Wow.

Yep, absolutely.

Scatman.

What happened to Paris
and the Vanguard Festival?

What are you doing here?

Oh, he couldn't go because his name is Stu

and he works with Andrew.

And he is not a jazz trumpeter.

You lied to me?

No.

Stu met Stephie

at a Burlington Coat Factory in Tustin.

The odds that she would
be Zelda's best friend?

This is cashmere, so.

Seven million to one.

Destiny cuts both ways.

Is it funny?

Yes.

Is it funny?

I think these movies are

about how one moment could
change your entire life,

you know?

Thanks for coming.

Excuse me.

Miss Thompson, hi.

Sorry to interrupt.

Oh, no.

Did you enjoy the movies?

Oh, yeah.

The film? Yeah... no.

Me, big fan.

I actually have a question
for you about the second one.

The thing is, I don't know how to...

You saw Zemeckis's
interview when you were a kid

and you were wondering
if hoverboards are real.

Yes.

Sorry.

Oh. So then...

Thousands of kids fell for that.

So I'm sorry, I am.

They cry every time.

It's okay.

Oh, sweetheart.

What a fool I have been...
a fool for love, mockery.

And that Andrew, he is worse.

- What?
- He's a pervert.

What?

All that nonsense about a silver dress.

I bet the real reason he had
those people on the Internet was

to look for nude selfies of you.

- We've all done it.
- I never have.

That is not a judgment, Zelda.
I'm not judging you right now.

It is your body.

They're the ones that should be judged.

They are disgusting.

I don't know about that,

but I don't think Andrew's a bad guy.

He just was trying too hard.

Are you sure about that?

Because I have never had
a guy try that hard for me.

Yeah, neither have I.

Oh, my goodness. Neither have I.

We are doing a cleanse, the
lemon one that Beyonce did.

So I need cayenne and I need lemons.

That's what we'll do.
Two weeks, you and me.

Hello?

Stuck at work, huh?

Yeah. Me, too.

I could use a drink, actually.

Hey, I got an idea.

You know, I'm here, you're here;

we're both here, both working late.

So do you want to come?

You're asking me out for a drink?

Yeah, you know, it's just a
spontaneous idea that I had.

Zelda, you need to stay away from me.

I got problems.

I thought we were meant to be.

Please don't be so hard on yourself.

No, no.

I should. I've been acting crazy.

It's hard for me to admit that.

In fact, I should be thanking you

for helping me see all of this.

So thank you.

But what if it was me in the silver dress?

But it wasn't.

Yeah... no, no. I know it wasn't.
But what if it was?

What are you saying?

I am saying that it was
me in the silver dress,

and I am so sorry for not telling you.

I am a terrible person.

But you were at the second show.

I know.

My ex-boyfriend dragged
me to that one, too.

God, I really hate that band.

I was at the first show.

And when you mentioned it on our
date, I remembered it instantly.

It was you.

Did I mention I'm a terrible person?

Hello?

Why didn't you tell me?

I was going to, but...

But then I scared you off?

No. No, no, no.

No, you didn't scare me off.

I scared myself off.

I didn't want to admit
that that had happened

because then I'd have to
admit that I've been wrong

about a lot of things.

I don't know, you know?

Maybe I could use a little meant to be

in my life... just a little.

So I want to try this again.

Would you please give me another chance?

I knew it was you.

Don't start.

Andrew and Zelda will date
for eight months, three weeks,

five days, and one hour.

This television program is
the comprehensive account

of their relationship from A to Z.

Rolling, rolling. Action.

Hi everybody. Thanks for watching A to Z.

I'm Ben Queen. I'm the creator of the show,

and this is...

Cristin Milioti.

Ben Feldman.

This is destiny.

Maybe I could use a little meant to be.

And you just saw them meet
and fall for each other,

but the show A to Z is really
about their relationship.

It follows their ups and
downs, their highs and lows.

What do you think?

I think they breakup.

What do you think happens
at the end of that?

I think they get married
and live happily ever after.

We'll see. Thanks for watching A to Z.