A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Episode #3.4 - full transcript
If you are considering
a career in villainy,
you will need several things...
A villainous laugh...
...a villainous way to get around,
like a particularly nightmarish submarine,
and most important of all,
a villainous disregard
for the lives of other people.
You orphans are as useless at sea
as you are on land.
I order you to bring my girlfriend
a sugar bowl,
and instead,
all you bring is a coughing baby!
If you are a mycologist,
or if you have seen the previous episode,
then you know several facts
about the Medusoid Mycelium.
The brig is this way!
You know that it is a poisonous fungus
that waxes and wanes,
a phrase which here means
it disappears and reappears.
What the No, this way.
You know that it grows best
in small, dark places,
like the throat of a toddler,
and you know that it works
on a very strict schedule,
a schedule that currently meant
Sunny Baudelaire had an hour to live.
We definitely
haven't been this way. Wait.
Sunny has less than an hour.
We have to find an antidote!
Fiona will know what to do.
She has books on fungi in her library.
We have to get to the Queequeg.
-Well, now which way?
-We have to go back.
Don't be ridiculous!
We just came from there.
Sunny's been poisoned.
If we don't go back, she'll die!
Fine with me. I only need one of you alive
to get your fortune.
Serves her right for coming back
without the sugar bowl.
It's this way!
We have to find an antidote!
Yes, well, I anti-don't care.
Tee-hee, ticklish!
Tort-tort, turmeric!
Ha-ha, hoi polloi!
Hey, hey, hey!
Not so fast!
Sunny's life depends on us!
Uh, I think you're confused.
Your life depends on me.
Now let me be clear.
If I wanted, I could drown you in the sea,
or have you strangled by the arms
of this mechanical octopus.
It is only through the kindness
of my heart and greed
that I am throwing you in the brig
and torturing you instead!
Now let's get moving!
Which way?
To the right!
The left. When I said right, I meant left.
I beg of you,
turn the corner
on this unfortunate episode,
for like the respiratory system
of poor, poor Sunny Baudelaire...
...the Baudelaires' situation
still has time to get much, much worse.
Follow me, orphans.
The Snow Scouts.
Row faster, you cakesniffers!
And Carmelita.
Hiya, Baudelaires!
Phil! You're alive!
Oh, better than alive.
Just think, yesterday I had one job
on a submarine.
Today, I have two!
I'm a rower and a swabber!
Well, let's hurry along before we
Countie!
You're just in time
for my special dance recital.
Please, no!
Carmelita is the most talented dancer
in the universe!
When you see her dance,
your eyes will bleed with gratitude
until it all clots up
and you get an eye infection.
I can vouch for that!
You are gonna stay and watch my recital,
aren't you, Countie?
I'm busy. I have to throw the Baudelaires
into the brig.
You like the Baudelaires more than me?!
I'll have Hooky torture these orphans.
You stay here and...
torture those orphans.
Tell him to be extra vicious
with those brats! I want the location of--
The sugar bowl. I know, I know!
Welcome to the brig, Baudelaires.
That's the pirate word for jail.
Please let us get back to the Queequeg.
Can't you see Sunny coughing?
Of course. I can also see me not caring.
Oh, she's really coughing her lungs out.
She's going to die!
Finally we agree on something.
Hang on, Sunny. We're gonna get help.
How are we supposed to get out of here?
We're locked in the brig.
We've broken out of prison before.
That was a jailhouse
made of brick and mortar.
This is a submarine.
Those walls are reinforced steel.
There has to be some--
Going somewhere?
I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, orphans.
I'm here to torture you.
You can torture us all you want.
I am gonna torture you all I want.
We don't know where the sugar bowl is,
and we don't care. Sunny--
Shh!
Now, the boss has questions, and so do I.
Why were you on the Queequeg?
What are you playing at?
Where's the baby?
She's in bed. She's sick.
If we don't get her back to the Queequeg,
she'll die.
I don't have time for tricks!
I saved your life on that mountain, baby,
and the boss has made me suffer for it.
But I think that suffering is like
a family dinner. It should be shared.
Let me just take off that stupid helmet.
No!
She's infected with the Medusoid Mycelium.
Do you know how dangerous that fungus is?
Oh, no. The spores are already taking root
in her throat!
We have to get out of here!
You have to help us, please!
She's our sister.
It's gonna be okay.
The rowing room
is around the curve to the right.
From there, it's a series
of confusing twists and turns
that took me hours and hours
of walking to memorize.
Right, then left, then another right,
then right again,
then two more lefts
and you'll be back at the Queequeg.
That's right, left,
right, right, left, left.
Show-off.
Don't think this means
I'm on your side, orphans.
You rotten brats
have made my life miserable.
Every time we fail to get your fortune,
Count Olaf yells at me.
You're the one
who makes our lives miserable!
Count Olaf performs terrible schemes,
and you help him!
Let's just agree to disagree.
Shh! Sorry, baby.
You're gonna have to be quiet.
Here.
All right.
I'll go see if the coast is clear.
Oh! Oh!
You scared me!
You scared me, boss.
Uh, what's wrong?
What? Nothing. Nothing.
No, I'm just taking a stroll
down one of the many corridors
of my enormous submarine.
What could be wrong?
If you're lost, I can help.
Thank you.
I'm looking for the room
where we keep the wine.
Oh, the galley.
No. The wine room. It's this way, right?
No, it's this way, left. Let me show you.
Aren't you supposed to be
torturing orphans right now?
I was headed to the galley--
to the wine room, to sharpen my hooks...
um, so that I could... uh...
poke their orphany skin with minimal
effort while achieving maximum pain.
I don't know what I'd do
without you, Hooky.
Thanks, boss.
But you're still not family.
Now, off to the wine room!
I could use a nice Caber-net.
For my third number, I'm going to twirl
around while you clap as hard as you can!
Carmelita, please.
We've been rowing for hours.
My hands are too sore to clap.
After we save Sunny,
we have to help those kids.
We have to get past
Carmelita and Esmé first.
We need to create a distraction
to get back to the Queequeg.
Then once Sunny's safe, we can find a way
to free those Snow Scouts. Violet?
Violet?
Maybe we can do both.
We need to create a sea monster.
What's that noise?
That noise is Carmelita's singing voice,
and it's extremely pleasant.
Wait...
I hear something now.
It sounds like an alarm.
We're under attack!
- Mommy!
- It's the Great Unknown!
Of course, I'm too young
to be your real mother.
I heard it swallows you alive!
I heard that it's a metaphor for death.
I'm too adorable to be swallowed!
We have to get out of here!
You will not abandon ship!
She said abandon ship!
Stop it!
You stop! Stop!
Carmelita, stop them now!
I am your captain, and I order you
to stop these prisoners at once!
Ayeaye, your Esméness!
Stop it!
Don't touch them, darling!
They're filthy!
Stop running away!
Vive Le Révolution!
Oh, my leg!
Oh, boy.
That's some tender tootsies.
Fiona!
-Baudelaires, what's going on?
-We need your help.
We encountered
the Medusoid Mycelium in the grotto.
Sunny's been infected.
We need to find an antidote.
She's getting worse.
How did you escape?
Did you find the sugar bowl?
-It's with someone we trust.
-We didn't escape.
Olaf's henchman let us get away,
the one with hooks.
Where is he?
He's distracting Olaf, but we got away.
Can you help us save Sunny?
Aye. She who hesitates is lost.
This is where I read
about the Medusoid Mycelium.
Hurry!
Chapter 40, "The Gorgonian Grotto."
"The fast-acting poison
makes the mushroom extremely volatile."
Does it say anything about a cure?
"Currently Very Fancy Doctors
are searching for an antidote
at a facility near Lousy Lane,
but have not come up with a cure yet."
Very Fancy Doctors. V.F.D.
It's an old book. Maybe V.F.D.
have found a cure by now.
Could we send
a Volunteer Factual Dispatch?
My telegraph was smashed
when Olaf searched the sub.
- We can repair it.
- Hang on, Sunny.
-We're close, I promise.
-The machine isn't broken too badly.
We can use tape.
And pliers.
And library paste.
There's an annotation in the margin.
What does it say?
Well, it's a poem.
"Is dilution simple? But of course.
Just one small dose of root of horse."
Dilution is another word for antidote.
But horses don't have roots.
Plants do. Plants are often used
to make antidotes.
The book said scientists were working
on a cure near Lousy Lane.
We drove down Lousy Lane on our way
to live with Uncle Monty.
I remember the smell.
It was terrible, like black pepper.
No, not pepper.
Root of horse...
Horseradish.
Gum! There's nothing in this cupboard
but boxes of gum!
I found the spice rack,
but there's no horseradish.
Just a lot of wasabi and tarragon.
What about the fridge?
Lemon-lime soda.
Gorgonzola cheese.
And what's that?
Your birthday.
I forgot.
Sunny didn't.
That must be the surprise
she and Phil were cooking up.
We can't lose Sunny.
We can't lose her!
We've researched an antidote,
but only horseradish can save you.
There's no horseradish in the kitchen.
The expression "the tables have turned"
is not one the Baudelaire orphans
had much occasion to use.
It refers to a situation
that has suddenly been reversed
so that those who are
in a powerless position
suddenly find themselves
in a powerful one, and vice versa.
Sunny knew that adventurous cooking
often necessitates quick substitutions,
so when she suggested
a horseradish substitute,
Klaus hurriedly opened the jar of wasabi
and spooned the spicy, green mixture
into Sunny's mouth,
it seemed like the tables
might turn after all.
It's working.
We've turned the tables
on that terrible fungus.
You saved yourself.
We had wasabi the entire time,
but we didn't think to use it
until you told us.
Aha!
I found the tool to sharpen my hooks.
I'm off to torture orphans now.
I'll join you.
Those pesky brats
cause me nothing but grief.
I want to see the look on their faces
while you make them suffer.
Get up close and personal to their pain.
Savor them like a fine wine.
Or this wine.
But first, I want a sandwich.
I can make you one, boss.
Now that my schemes
have bore orphan fruit,
there's only one thing in the world
that my heart desires,
besides a sandwich.
My mentors think that I'm small.
A failure.
I need to show them.
Actually, it sounds
like your heart's desire
is to win the love and approval of your
parental figures. I can relate to that.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
I need to do something big and dramatic
to get back at those V.F.D. goody-goodies.
Ideally something
that doesn't require any work.
But how?
If only some powerful, convenient way
to destroy a whole bunch of people
was placed into my hands right now
like a sandwich.
Here's your submarine sandwich.
Well, it's torture time.
I'm off to the brig.
Wait.
Disengage from the Queequeg.
But you smashed its equipment.
If you disengage, it's going to sink.
Bah!
There's nothing left on that wreck
but rusty pipes and poetry books.
Widdershins and his fondness
for limericks.
Literary and annoying.
Nah...
You know, I don't know. Maybe...
Maybe we don't need to disengage
right away.
Why?
Is there something you're not telling me?
No...
No, no.
I'll... I'll disengage right away.
It worked.
She's sleeping now, but she'll be up
biting again in no time.
I'm glad she's okay.
We couldn't have done it without you.
I sealed the helmet
with a dinner plate and some chewing gum
so the fungus can't get out.
You didn't destroy it?
No, we saved it for you.
It's a valuable specimen
for a talented mycologist.
This is an incredible find.
The poison of a volatile fungus can be
the source of some powerful medicines.
Well, maybe something good
can come out of something bad.
Are you all right?
Aye.
I'm glad Sunny is safe.
And it's a good thing
you fixed the telegraph machine,
- or this message couldn't come through.
- All volunteers."
"Please arrive by Thursday
to the Last Safe Place..."
"The Hotel Denouement."
And it's signed "J.S."
Like the initials from the headquarters.
Our parents went to the Hotel Denouement
a long time ago.
It's a seaside hotel.
We can take the sub there.
I'll start charting a course.
I'll repair the damage to the sub.
I repaired the damage myself,
but we're not going anywhere.
What do you mean?
Captain's orders. We wait.
For what?
We don't have time to wait.
Count Olaf could discover we're missing.
She who hesitates--
I'm not hesitating. I'm deciding.
We're not leaving.
Not yet.
Whatever this is about, you can tell us.
She not gonna tell us anything.
She's hiding something.
She's not hiding anything!
Fernald!
Fiona!
This is a volatile situation.
As the Baudelaires knew,
the word "volatile" means "unstable"
or "likely to cause trouble."
I thought I'd never see you again.
And it can apply to people
as well as to poisonous mushrooms.
You probably have a person or two
in your life who is like that.
Perhaps even a sibling.
When this person pops up,
trouble may wax.
And when they vanish...
trouble may wane.
But not always.
For years, contacting my own siblings
brought them nothing but trouble,
so it was easier
to let them believe I was dead.
Now, of course,
it is my brother who is dead,
and I do not know
if I will ever see my sister again.
Are you working for Count Olaf?
Never mind that.
You joined up with the Baudelaires?
Well, they joined up with me.
So Step-Pop's really gone?
Aye. He told me you died
in a manatee accident.
What? No, I left.
I told him I never wanted to see his face
again, but I'm sorry I left you alone.
He's your brother?
He found me when he was searching the sub,
but we didn't have time to talk.
He's a terrible villain!
He's helped Count Olaf perform
countless treacherous deeds!
He also saved your sister.
Wait. Where is the baby? Is she okay?
She's resting, and she's fine.
We found the antidote to the poison,
and now we're headed to meet the rest
of the volunteers at the Hotel Denouement,
the Last Safe Place.
And you could come with us.
We're not going anywhere with him!
I'm not abandoning my brother!
- He's my only family!
- He's dangerous!
He's wicked!
He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics!
I read about it
in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch.
It said Fernald betrayed V.F.D.
He committed arson
and joined the wrong side of the schism.
You still don't get it.
There is no wrong side of the schism.
Of course there is.
One side puts out fires,
and the other side starts them.
You should have seen the fire.
I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics
when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle
was cultivating in his grotto:
a fungus so powerful
it could destroy V.F.D.'s enemies
once and for all.
He was playing with fire.
I warned him it was volatile.
If the fungus got out,
it could destroy everyone.
But he didn't listen.
So I decided to fight fire with fire.
I'll never forget the sight of it,
like the sea was burning.
It was the worst day of my life.
But what choice did I have?
Oh, no!
I did a terrible thing for a noble reason,
and I paid for it.
I lost my hands in the fire,
and I got kicked out of V.F.D.
My step-dad was so furious.
He never told me why you did it.
He just said there were secrets
too terrible for young people to know.
He used to say that to me, too.
He was a fool.
He is not a fool. He is a noble man.
And V.F.D. is a noble organization.
They'd never cultivate something
that would harm people.
Tell that to your little sister.
Well, what about Count Olaf?
He's a wicked person,
and you help him time and time again.
Count Olaf took me in
when no one else would have me.
Sure, I ended up doing more murder, arson,
and assorted violence
than I would have preferred,
but people aren't either wicked or noble.
They're like chef's salads,
with good things and bad things
chopped up and mixed together
in a vinaigrette
of confusion and conflict.
I mean, look at you, Baudelaires.
You helped burn down Caligari Carnival.
You've played with fire, too.
We're nothing like you.
Or Count Olaf.
You only know the bad aspects of him.
He has his good parts.
Like what?
Well, he, uh...
Uh... Wait.
He has a wonderful laugh.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
There you are.
My girlfriend said we should ditch you
when you didn't come back,
- but I said, "Not without Hooky."
- Who would do the cooking?
Heehee, hot pot!
Hahaha, harpy!
Hahaha, half-wit!
Anyway, we rounded up the Snow Scouts,
and so we're ready to take off.
Who's the chick with the glasses?
I thought you said this sub was empty.
It was, boss!
Or at least I thought it was.
I have no idea who this girl is
or where she came from, I swear.
Look what I found.
A couple of cakesniffers
trying to sneak away.
How did you escape the brig?
I locked you in there with
Turncoat!
Wait, boss!
That was your last chance.
Do you know what pirates do to traitors?
Don't hurt him!
My brother would never betray you!
Your brother?
Well, hello.
The last time I saw you, I was throwing
thumbtacks into your cradle,
but now you're all grown up,
and you get to watch your brother die.
I'm sorry, I can't understand you.
Help, please.
He didn't betray you, and I can prove it.
He didn't free the Baudelaires
so they could escape.
He let them go so he could give you this.
No!
What are you doing?
Well, I appreciate the gesture,
but I prefer a smaller, lighter hat.
Inside this helmet is a specimen
of Medusoid Mycelium.
That's what made Sunny sick.
Medusoid Mycelium?
I thought this was destroyed
in the Anwhistle fire.
I thought so too.
How marvelously poisonous!
Nice work, Hooky.
You too, you little fungal freak.
My name is Fiona.
That's not a very "in" name.
I'm calling you Triangle Eyes.
Baudelaires,
when you are back in the brig,
I'm going to open this helmet
and toss it inside,
and then you will suffer
like I've always wanted you to suffer.
No! You shouldn't waste the specimen
on the Baudelaires.
It's too valuable.
Triangle Eyes is right.
There are far more important people
who deserve to be poisoned.
That's a good point.
I was just thinking how nice it would be
to have some powerful, convenient way
to destroy a bunch of people
placed into my hands, wasn't I, Hooky?
His name is Fernald.
And I call him Hooky.
You've got a lot of moxie, kid.
How would you like to join your brother
on my crew?
We could use the help.
- Those Snow Scouts are terrible rowers.
- Hm-mm.
Look around.
Your stepfather abandoned you.
Your submarine has been captured.
Even your new friends
only care about themselves.
- That's not true.
- Really?
Because I thought you Baudelaires
always put your siblings first.
Fiona, please don't do this.
Please don't do it.
What choice do I have?
Let's sink this wreck
and torture the prisoners.
I only need one orphan alive
to get their fortune.
I can test the fungus on the other two.
Baudelaires...
for too long, you have spoiled my plans.
A nice cycle for you,
an unprofitable one for me.
But now that cycle
has finally been broken.
You should have given up a long time ago.
Darling, I'm stuck.
I triumphed
the moment you lost your family.
We didn't lose our family.
Only our parents.
Our family is right here.
Oh, darling, I can't move.
You will lose everything, orphans.
Wait and see.
Okay, that's all right now.
That's absolutely fine.
Triangle Eyes, find the baby
and bring the Baudelaires to the brig.
Ayeaye, Captain.
Hooky, we need to talk.
You heard him.
Get to the brig, you biscuiteaters!
That's pirate for an insulting term!
Quick, we don't have much time.
You're not taking us to the brig?
Of course not.
I'm letting you escape.
But you'd better hurry
before Count Olaf notices.
Come with us. We can go
to the Last Safe Place together.
I can't abandon my brother.
No matter what he's done,
he's the only family I have.
I understand.
There's a troupe of kidnapped Snow Scouts
on that sub. Can you help them?
Aye.
Take care of the Queequeg for me.
Aye.
Please don't go with Olaf.
You're not a wicked person.
People aren't either wicked or noble.
They're like chef salads.
When you think of me,
think of a food you love very much.
How can someone so wonderful
do something so terrible?
She let us go.
She's right. We'd better hurry before
Count Olaf notices we're not in the brig.
Let's go.
Hey, boss.
Thanks for being so understanding
about my--
Do you think I believe that story?
You were going to desert me.
I think strangling your sister
might teach you a lesson.
Don't hurt Fiona.
Give me one reason not to.
I'll give you the location
of the Last Safe Place.
The who, what, when, why?
Where all V.F.D. is gathering.
You're my favorite again, Ferndale.
Fernald.
Furnail.
I'm taking all three of you Baudelaires
to the brig!
Get to the brig, you biscuiteaters!
I think I'll stick with Hooky.
Get in there, Baudelaires!
Or I'll feed you to a manatee!
Nice work, Triangle Eyes.
Now make me a pizza.
Disengage from the Queequeg.
Okay?
Fiona did a great job with the repairs.
We'll be out of here in no time.
I'll chart a course
to the Hotel Denouement.
Good news is the Carmelita is gone.
Great news,
although you don't sound happy about it.
That's because The Great Unknown
is headed straight for us.
What can we do?
I'm putting the sub into turbo drive.
Hold on.
Let's hope the engine doesn't blow.
I am happier than a pig eating pork.
I am tickled pinker
than a sunburned Caucasian.
I am so happy-go-lucky
that happy and lucky people
are going to beat me senseless
with a stake
out of total unbridled jealousy.
Soon, we will be arriving
at the Hotel Denouement,
where I will unleash the Medusoid Mycelium
and end V.F.D. and their stupid codes
and poetry once and for all!
Teehee, taha, to-ho-tal annihilation!
We still haven't found
the sugar bowl, darling.
With our luck, Esmé, the sugar bowl
will come falling out of the sky!
Ooh, wait a minute.
That wasn't a fake laugh.
That was real.
Esmé, I finally found something
to laugh about.
I never should have given the fungus
to Count Olaf.
You did a terrible thing
for a noble reason.
You saved my life.
Oh, oh, oh! Esmé, let's go laugh
at the Baudelaires in the brig.
What do we do now?
We're at a crossroads.
The Great Unknown is falling behind.
Maximum knots, and the propulsion motor
is dangerously close to blowing.
The motor's not going to hold.
We need a place to surface.
A beach or a dock.
I can find a place
near the Hotel Denouement.
Klaus...
Do you think we'll find Quigley?
I'm sure we'll find him... wherever he is.
The water cycle consists
of three phenomena:
evaporation, precipitation,
and collection.
Occasionally,
while I'm collecting evidence
concerning the history
of the Baudelaire orphans,
I imagine myself as a drop of water,
especially if it is raining
or if my desk is floating in a reservoir.
It is not a pleasant feeling.
I think about how ghastly it would feel
to be yanked away from my comrades,
when we were gathered
in a lake or a puddle,
and forced into the sky
through the process of evaporation.
Think how terrible it would feel
to be chased out of a cloud
by the process of precipitation,
and tumble to the earth...
like a sugar bowl.
How heartbroken I would feel
to gather once more in a body of water
and feel that I had reached...
the Last Safe Place...
only to have the tables turn,
and evaporate into the sky once more,
as the tedious cycle
started all over again.
I found the closest beach.
It is awful to contemplate
this sort of life in which one would
always be forced into motion
by a variety of mysterious
and powerful forces,
never finding a safe place,
never able to turn the tables
for very long.
For the same reason,
the Baudelaire orphans
found it awful to contemplate their
own lives as their submarine landed
at the very place where their cycle
of unfortunate events began.
It's like we're starting the cycle
all over again.
Baudelaires?
What are you doing here
on Briny Beach... again?
What are you doing here?
I'd given up all hope of finding you,
and I decided to visit this beach
to indulge in some sadness and rock
skipping instead of searching for you,
which frankly
has given me nothing but tsuris.
"Tsuris" means trouble.
We know what tsuris means.
Where have you been,
and how did you get here?
Baudelaires!
I hope you haven't been waiting long.
Is that my new secretary?
What are you doing here?
When you didn't show up at the office,
I figured you were either sick
or giving birth.
My apologies, Mr. Poe, but perhaps
you forgot I don't work for you.
It is customary to give at least ten days'
notice when resigning a position, Ms...
Miss...
Ms...
I seem to have forgotten your name.
I never gave it to you.
Ah, then it's your fault.
My cab is just over there,
and I'd be happy to drive you
to the Last Safe Place,
if that's still where you want to go.
Baudelaires, I insist you come with me.
You've been accused of murder, arson,
kidnapping, and all sorts
of assorted misdemeanors.
We're innocent!
I'm sure you are,
but that's why
you need to come with me
to the police station
so we can sort everything out.
Since you ran away from your problems,
it became clear
that the stem of your troubles
is from not having a clear guardian figure
in your life.
Perhaps it's time
for that guardian to be me.
You know how good I am with children.
So, come along, Baudelaires!
Let's end this unfortunate cycle
once and for all!
You're right.
I know I am. That's why I said it.
We have to break this cycle.
That's why we can't go with you.
But... don't be ridiculous.
I don't know where you've been,
how you got here,
or why you're wearing a picture
of Santa Claus on your uniforms.
Herman Melville.
I beg your pardon?
The picture on their uniforms
is Herman Melville.
He's one of my favorite authors.
I like the way he dramatizes
the plight of overlooked groups,
like poor sailors and young people.
Me too.
I'm not surprised.
He was one of your parents' favorites.
I should warn you, if you come with me,
your lives may become more difficult.
You may learn things
that you didn't want to know.
I wouldn't blame you for wanting
to leave this beach with that banker.
See? Even this strange, fertile woman
wants you to come with me.
But you'll take us to V.F.D.?
I promise.
Goodbye, Mr. Poe.
How did you find us?
With a little help from your friends.
Fiona Widdershins sent
a Volunteer Factual Dispatch
so that we knew you were on the Queequeg.
And Quigley Quagmire tracked your location
by studying tidal charts.
Is he here?
He wanted to be,
but he got a lead on a certain
self-sustaining hot air mobile home
He left to find his family.
He thought you would understand.
Baudelaires, you can't just go off
on your own!
You're children!
You're orphans!
You're leaving.
I was expecting this brig
to be full of suffering Baudelaires,
but someone let them get away.
I want you to think
about what you've done,
and once you're good and sorry,
I will tear you hook from hook.
We have to get out of here.
I know.
And then we have to warn V.F.D.
about the Medusoid Mycelium.
Why do we?
And then we have to rescue
those Snow Scouts, defect from Count Olaf,
and search for our stepfather
so we can be a family again.
That sounds nice.
But first we have to escape
from this brig.
They who hesitate are lost.
Our agents are already converging
on the Hotel Denouement,
so we'll have to drive quickly.
Do you have any questions?
Who are you?
An excellent question.
The name's Snicket.
Kit Snicket.
a career in villainy,
you will need several things...
A villainous laugh...
...a villainous way to get around,
like a particularly nightmarish submarine,
and most important of all,
a villainous disregard
for the lives of other people.
You orphans are as useless at sea
as you are on land.
I order you to bring my girlfriend
a sugar bowl,
and instead,
all you bring is a coughing baby!
If you are a mycologist,
or if you have seen the previous episode,
then you know several facts
about the Medusoid Mycelium.
The brig is this way!
You know that it is a poisonous fungus
that waxes and wanes,
a phrase which here means
it disappears and reappears.
What the No, this way.
You know that it grows best
in small, dark places,
like the throat of a toddler,
and you know that it works
on a very strict schedule,
a schedule that currently meant
Sunny Baudelaire had an hour to live.
We definitely
haven't been this way. Wait.
Sunny has less than an hour.
We have to find an antidote!
Fiona will know what to do.
She has books on fungi in her library.
We have to get to the Queequeg.
-Well, now which way?
-We have to go back.
Don't be ridiculous!
We just came from there.
Sunny's been poisoned.
If we don't go back, she'll die!
Fine with me. I only need one of you alive
to get your fortune.
Serves her right for coming back
without the sugar bowl.
It's this way!
We have to find an antidote!
Yes, well, I anti-don't care.
Tee-hee, ticklish!
Tort-tort, turmeric!
Ha-ha, hoi polloi!
Hey, hey, hey!
Not so fast!
Sunny's life depends on us!
Uh, I think you're confused.
Your life depends on me.
Now let me be clear.
If I wanted, I could drown you in the sea,
or have you strangled by the arms
of this mechanical octopus.
It is only through the kindness
of my heart and greed
that I am throwing you in the brig
and torturing you instead!
Now let's get moving!
Which way?
To the right!
The left. When I said right, I meant left.
I beg of you,
turn the corner
on this unfortunate episode,
for like the respiratory system
of poor, poor Sunny Baudelaire...
...the Baudelaires' situation
still has time to get much, much worse.
Follow me, orphans.
The Snow Scouts.
Row faster, you cakesniffers!
And Carmelita.
Hiya, Baudelaires!
Phil! You're alive!
Oh, better than alive.
Just think, yesterday I had one job
on a submarine.
Today, I have two!
I'm a rower and a swabber!
Well, let's hurry along before we
Countie!
You're just in time
for my special dance recital.
Please, no!
Carmelita is the most talented dancer
in the universe!
When you see her dance,
your eyes will bleed with gratitude
until it all clots up
and you get an eye infection.
I can vouch for that!
You are gonna stay and watch my recital,
aren't you, Countie?
I'm busy. I have to throw the Baudelaires
into the brig.
You like the Baudelaires more than me?!
I'll have Hooky torture these orphans.
You stay here and...
torture those orphans.
Tell him to be extra vicious
with those brats! I want the location of--
The sugar bowl. I know, I know!
Welcome to the brig, Baudelaires.
That's the pirate word for jail.
Please let us get back to the Queequeg.
Can't you see Sunny coughing?
Of course. I can also see me not caring.
Oh, she's really coughing her lungs out.
She's going to die!
Finally we agree on something.
Hang on, Sunny. We're gonna get help.
How are we supposed to get out of here?
We're locked in the brig.
We've broken out of prison before.
That was a jailhouse
made of brick and mortar.
This is a submarine.
Those walls are reinforced steel.
There has to be some--
Going somewhere?
I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, orphans.
I'm here to torture you.
You can torture us all you want.
I am gonna torture you all I want.
We don't know where the sugar bowl is,
and we don't care. Sunny--
Shh!
Now, the boss has questions, and so do I.
Why were you on the Queequeg?
What are you playing at?
Where's the baby?
She's in bed. She's sick.
If we don't get her back to the Queequeg,
she'll die.
I don't have time for tricks!
I saved your life on that mountain, baby,
and the boss has made me suffer for it.
But I think that suffering is like
a family dinner. It should be shared.
Let me just take off that stupid helmet.
No!
She's infected with the Medusoid Mycelium.
Do you know how dangerous that fungus is?
Oh, no. The spores are already taking root
in her throat!
We have to get out of here!
You have to help us, please!
She's our sister.
It's gonna be okay.
The rowing room
is around the curve to the right.
From there, it's a series
of confusing twists and turns
that took me hours and hours
of walking to memorize.
Right, then left, then another right,
then right again,
then two more lefts
and you'll be back at the Queequeg.
That's right, left,
right, right, left, left.
Show-off.
Don't think this means
I'm on your side, orphans.
You rotten brats
have made my life miserable.
Every time we fail to get your fortune,
Count Olaf yells at me.
You're the one
who makes our lives miserable!
Count Olaf performs terrible schemes,
and you help him!
Let's just agree to disagree.
Shh! Sorry, baby.
You're gonna have to be quiet.
Here.
All right.
I'll go see if the coast is clear.
Oh! Oh!
You scared me!
You scared me, boss.
Uh, what's wrong?
What? Nothing. Nothing.
No, I'm just taking a stroll
down one of the many corridors
of my enormous submarine.
What could be wrong?
If you're lost, I can help.
Thank you.
I'm looking for the room
where we keep the wine.
Oh, the galley.
No. The wine room. It's this way, right?
No, it's this way, left. Let me show you.
Aren't you supposed to be
torturing orphans right now?
I was headed to the galley--
to the wine room, to sharpen my hooks...
um, so that I could... uh...
poke their orphany skin with minimal
effort while achieving maximum pain.
I don't know what I'd do
without you, Hooky.
Thanks, boss.
But you're still not family.
Now, off to the wine room!
I could use a nice Caber-net.
For my third number, I'm going to twirl
around while you clap as hard as you can!
Carmelita, please.
We've been rowing for hours.
My hands are too sore to clap.
After we save Sunny,
we have to help those kids.
We have to get past
Carmelita and Esmé first.
We need to create a distraction
to get back to the Queequeg.
Then once Sunny's safe, we can find a way
to free those Snow Scouts. Violet?
Violet?
Maybe we can do both.
We need to create a sea monster.
What's that noise?
That noise is Carmelita's singing voice,
and it's extremely pleasant.
Wait...
I hear something now.
It sounds like an alarm.
We're under attack!
- Mommy!
- It's the Great Unknown!
Of course, I'm too young
to be your real mother.
I heard it swallows you alive!
I heard that it's a metaphor for death.
I'm too adorable to be swallowed!
We have to get out of here!
You will not abandon ship!
She said abandon ship!
Stop it!
You stop! Stop!
Carmelita, stop them now!
I am your captain, and I order you
to stop these prisoners at once!
Ayeaye, your Esméness!
Stop it!
Don't touch them, darling!
They're filthy!
Stop running away!
Vive Le Révolution!
Oh, my leg!
Oh, boy.
That's some tender tootsies.
Fiona!
-Baudelaires, what's going on?
-We need your help.
We encountered
the Medusoid Mycelium in the grotto.
Sunny's been infected.
We need to find an antidote.
She's getting worse.
How did you escape?
Did you find the sugar bowl?
-It's with someone we trust.
-We didn't escape.
Olaf's henchman let us get away,
the one with hooks.
Where is he?
He's distracting Olaf, but we got away.
Can you help us save Sunny?
Aye. She who hesitates is lost.
This is where I read
about the Medusoid Mycelium.
Hurry!
Chapter 40, "The Gorgonian Grotto."
"The fast-acting poison
makes the mushroom extremely volatile."
Does it say anything about a cure?
"Currently Very Fancy Doctors
are searching for an antidote
at a facility near Lousy Lane,
but have not come up with a cure yet."
Very Fancy Doctors. V.F.D.
It's an old book. Maybe V.F.D.
have found a cure by now.
Could we send
a Volunteer Factual Dispatch?
My telegraph was smashed
when Olaf searched the sub.
- We can repair it.
- Hang on, Sunny.
-We're close, I promise.
-The machine isn't broken too badly.
We can use tape.
And pliers.
And library paste.
There's an annotation in the margin.
What does it say?
Well, it's a poem.
"Is dilution simple? But of course.
Just one small dose of root of horse."
Dilution is another word for antidote.
But horses don't have roots.
Plants do. Plants are often used
to make antidotes.
The book said scientists were working
on a cure near Lousy Lane.
We drove down Lousy Lane on our way
to live with Uncle Monty.
I remember the smell.
It was terrible, like black pepper.
No, not pepper.
Root of horse...
Horseradish.
Gum! There's nothing in this cupboard
but boxes of gum!
I found the spice rack,
but there's no horseradish.
Just a lot of wasabi and tarragon.
What about the fridge?
Lemon-lime soda.
Gorgonzola cheese.
And what's that?
Your birthday.
I forgot.
Sunny didn't.
That must be the surprise
she and Phil were cooking up.
We can't lose Sunny.
We can't lose her!
We've researched an antidote,
but only horseradish can save you.
There's no horseradish in the kitchen.
The expression "the tables have turned"
is not one the Baudelaire orphans
had much occasion to use.
It refers to a situation
that has suddenly been reversed
so that those who are
in a powerless position
suddenly find themselves
in a powerful one, and vice versa.
Sunny knew that adventurous cooking
often necessitates quick substitutions,
so when she suggested
a horseradish substitute,
Klaus hurriedly opened the jar of wasabi
and spooned the spicy, green mixture
into Sunny's mouth,
it seemed like the tables
might turn after all.
It's working.
We've turned the tables
on that terrible fungus.
You saved yourself.
We had wasabi the entire time,
but we didn't think to use it
until you told us.
Aha!
I found the tool to sharpen my hooks.
I'm off to torture orphans now.
I'll join you.
Those pesky brats
cause me nothing but grief.
I want to see the look on their faces
while you make them suffer.
Get up close and personal to their pain.
Savor them like a fine wine.
Or this wine.
But first, I want a sandwich.
I can make you one, boss.
Now that my schemes
have bore orphan fruit,
there's only one thing in the world
that my heart desires,
besides a sandwich.
My mentors think that I'm small.
A failure.
I need to show them.
Actually, it sounds
like your heart's desire
is to win the love and approval of your
parental figures. I can relate to that.
That's not what I'm saying at all.
I need to do something big and dramatic
to get back at those V.F.D. goody-goodies.
Ideally something
that doesn't require any work.
But how?
If only some powerful, convenient way
to destroy a whole bunch of people
was placed into my hands right now
like a sandwich.
Here's your submarine sandwich.
Well, it's torture time.
I'm off to the brig.
Wait.
Disengage from the Queequeg.
But you smashed its equipment.
If you disengage, it's going to sink.
Bah!
There's nothing left on that wreck
but rusty pipes and poetry books.
Widdershins and his fondness
for limericks.
Literary and annoying.
Nah...
You know, I don't know. Maybe...
Maybe we don't need to disengage
right away.
Why?
Is there something you're not telling me?
No...
No, no.
I'll... I'll disengage right away.
It worked.
She's sleeping now, but she'll be up
biting again in no time.
I'm glad she's okay.
We couldn't have done it without you.
I sealed the helmet
with a dinner plate and some chewing gum
so the fungus can't get out.
You didn't destroy it?
No, we saved it for you.
It's a valuable specimen
for a talented mycologist.
This is an incredible find.
The poison of a volatile fungus can be
the source of some powerful medicines.
Well, maybe something good
can come out of something bad.
Are you all right?
Aye.
I'm glad Sunny is safe.
And it's a good thing
you fixed the telegraph machine,
- or this message couldn't come through.
- All volunteers."
"Please arrive by Thursday
to the Last Safe Place..."
"The Hotel Denouement."
And it's signed "J.S."
Like the initials from the headquarters.
Our parents went to the Hotel Denouement
a long time ago.
It's a seaside hotel.
We can take the sub there.
I'll start charting a course.
I'll repair the damage to the sub.
I repaired the damage myself,
but we're not going anywhere.
What do you mean?
Captain's orders. We wait.
For what?
We don't have time to wait.
Count Olaf could discover we're missing.
She who hesitates--
I'm not hesitating. I'm deciding.
We're not leaving.
Not yet.
Whatever this is about, you can tell us.
She not gonna tell us anything.
She's hiding something.
She's not hiding anything!
Fernald!
Fiona!
This is a volatile situation.
As the Baudelaires knew,
the word "volatile" means "unstable"
or "likely to cause trouble."
I thought I'd never see you again.
And it can apply to people
as well as to poisonous mushrooms.
You probably have a person or two
in your life who is like that.
Perhaps even a sibling.
When this person pops up,
trouble may wax.
And when they vanish...
trouble may wane.
But not always.
For years, contacting my own siblings
brought them nothing but trouble,
so it was easier
to let them believe I was dead.
Now, of course,
it is my brother who is dead,
and I do not know
if I will ever see my sister again.
Are you working for Count Olaf?
Never mind that.
You joined up with the Baudelaires?
Well, they joined up with me.
So Step-Pop's really gone?
Aye. He told me you died
in a manatee accident.
What? No, I left.
I told him I never wanted to see his face
again, but I'm sorry I left you alone.
He's your brother?
He found me when he was searching the sub,
but we didn't have time to talk.
He's a terrible villain!
He's helped Count Olaf perform
countless treacherous deeds!
He also saved your sister.
Wait. Where is the baby? Is she okay?
She's resting, and she's fine.
We found the antidote to the poison,
and now we're headed to meet the rest
of the volunteers at the Hotel Denouement,
the Last Safe Place.
And you could come with us.
We're not going anywhere with him!
I'm not abandoning my brother!
- He's my only family!
- He's dangerous!
He's wicked!
He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics!
I read about it
in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch.
It said Fernald betrayed V.F.D.
He committed arson
and joined the wrong side of the schism.
You still don't get it.
There is no wrong side of the schism.
Of course there is.
One side puts out fires,
and the other side starts them.
You should have seen the fire.
I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics
when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle
was cultivating in his grotto:
a fungus so powerful
it could destroy V.F.D.'s enemies
once and for all.
He was playing with fire.
I warned him it was volatile.
If the fungus got out,
it could destroy everyone.
But he didn't listen.
So I decided to fight fire with fire.
I'll never forget the sight of it,
like the sea was burning.
It was the worst day of my life.
But what choice did I have?
Oh, no!
I did a terrible thing for a noble reason,
and I paid for it.
I lost my hands in the fire,
and I got kicked out of V.F.D.
My step-dad was so furious.
He never told me why you did it.
He just said there were secrets
too terrible for young people to know.
He used to say that to me, too.
He was a fool.
He is not a fool. He is a noble man.
And V.F.D. is a noble organization.
They'd never cultivate something
that would harm people.
Tell that to your little sister.
Well, what about Count Olaf?
He's a wicked person,
and you help him time and time again.
Count Olaf took me in
when no one else would have me.
Sure, I ended up doing more murder, arson,
and assorted violence
than I would have preferred,
but people aren't either wicked or noble.
They're like chef's salads,
with good things and bad things
chopped up and mixed together
in a vinaigrette
of confusion and conflict.
I mean, look at you, Baudelaires.
You helped burn down Caligari Carnival.
You've played with fire, too.
We're nothing like you.
Or Count Olaf.
You only know the bad aspects of him.
He has his good parts.
Like what?
Well, he, uh...
Uh... Wait.
He has a wonderful laugh.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha, ha, ha.
There you are.
My girlfriend said we should ditch you
when you didn't come back,
- but I said, "Not without Hooky."
- Who would do the cooking?
Heehee, hot pot!
Hahaha, harpy!
Hahaha, half-wit!
Anyway, we rounded up the Snow Scouts,
and so we're ready to take off.
Who's the chick with the glasses?
I thought you said this sub was empty.
It was, boss!
Or at least I thought it was.
I have no idea who this girl is
or where she came from, I swear.
Look what I found.
A couple of cakesniffers
trying to sneak away.
How did you escape the brig?
I locked you in there with
Turncoat!
Wait, boss!
That was your last chance.
Do you know what pirates do to traitors?
Don't hurt him!
My brother would never betray you!
Your brother?
Well, hello.
The last time I saw you, I was throwing
thumbtacks into your cradle,
but now you're all grown up,
and you get to watch your brother die.
I'm sorry, I can't understand you.
Help, please.
He didn't betray you, and I can prove it.
He didn't free the Baudelaires
so they could escape.
He let them go so he could give you this.
No!
What are you doing?
Well, I appreciate the gesture,
but I prefer a smaller, lighter hat.
Inside this helmet is a specimen
of Medusoid Mycelium.
That's what made Sunny sick.
Medusoid Mycelium?
I thought this was destroyed
in the Anwhistle fire.
I thought so too.
How marvelously poisonous!
Nice work, Hooky.
You too, you little fungal freak.
My name is Fiona.
That's not a very "in" name.
I'm calling you Triangle Eyes.
Baudelaires,
when you are back in the brig,
I'm going to open this helmet
and toss it inside,
and then you will suffer
like I've always wanted you to suffer.
No! You shouldn't waste the specimen
on the Baudelaires.
It's too valuable.
Triangle Eyes is right.
There are far more important people
who deserve to be poisoned.
That's a good point.
I was just thinking how nice it would be
to have some powerful, convenient way
to destroy a bunch of people
placed into my hands, wasn't I, Hooky?
His name is Fernald.
And I call him Hooky.
You've got a lot of moxie, kid.
How would you like to join your brother
on my crew?
We could use the help.
- Those Snow Scouts are terrible rowers.
- Hm-mm.
Look around.
Your stepfather abandoned you.
Your submarine has been captured.
Even your new friends
only care about themselves.
- That's not true.
- Really?
Because I thought you Baudelaires
always put your siblings first.
Fiona, please don't do this.
Please don't do it.
What choice do I have?
Let's sink this wreck
and torture the prisoners.
I only need one orphan alive
to get their fortune.
I can test the fungus on the other two.
Baudelaires...
for too long, you have spoiled my plans.
A nice cycle for you,
an unprofitable one for me.
But now that cycle
has finally been broken.
You should have given up a long time ago.
Darling, I'm stuck.
I triumphed
the moment you lost your family.
We didn't lose our family.
Only our parents.
Our family is right here.
Oh, darling, I can't move.
You will lose everything, orphans.
Wait and see.
Okay, that's all right now.
That's absolutely fine.
Triangle Eyes, find the baby
and bring the Baudelaires to the brig.
Ayeaye, Captain.
Hooky, we need to talk.
You heard him.
Get to the brig, you biscuiteaters!
That's pirate for an insulting term!
Quick, we don't have much time.
You're not taking us to the brig?
Of course not.
I'm letting you escape.
But you'd better hurry
before Count Olaf notices.
Come with us. We can go
to the Last Safe Place together.
I can't abandon my brother.
No matter what he's done,
he's the only family I have.
I understand.
There's a troupe of kidnapped Snow Scouts
on that sub. Can you help them?
Aye.
Take care of the Queequeg for me.
Aye.
Please don't go with Olaf.
You're not a wicked person.
People aren't either wicked or noble.
They're like chef salads.
When you think of me,
think of a food you love very much.
How can someone so wonderful
do something so terrible?
She let us go.
She's right. We'd better hurry before
Count Olaf notices we're not in the brig.
Let's go.
Hey, boss.
Thanks for being so understanding
about my--
Do you think I believe that story?
You were going to desert me.
I think strangling your sister
might teach you a lesson.
Don't hurt Fiona.
Give me one reason not to.
I'll give you the location
of the Last Safe Place.
The who, what, when, why?
Where all V.F.D. is gathering.
You're my favorite again, Ferndale.
Fernald.
Furnail.
I'm taking all three of you Baudelaires
to the brig!
Get to the brig, you biscuiteaters!
I think I'll stick with Hooky.
Get in there, Baudelaires!
Or I'll feed you to a manatee!
Nice work, Triangle Eyes.
Now make me a pizza.
Disengage from the Queequeg.
Okay?
Fiona did a great job with the repairs.
We'll be out of here in no time.
I'll chart a course
to the Hotel Denouement.
Good news is the Carmelita is gone.
Great news,
although you don't sound happy about it.
That's because The Great Unknown
is headed straight for us.
What can we do?
I'm putting the sub into turbo drive.
Hold on.
Let's hope the engine doesn't blow.
I am happier than a pig eating pork.
I am tickled pinker
than a sunburned Caucasian.
I am so happy-go-lucky
that happy and lucky people
are going to beat me senseless
with a stake
out of total unbridled jealousy.
Soon, we will be arriving
at the Hotel Denouement,
where I will unleash the Medusoid Mycelium
and end V.F.D. and their stupid codes
and poetry once and for all!
Teehee, taha, to-ho-tal annihilation!
We still haven't found
the sugar bowl, darling.
With our luck, Esmé, the sugar bowl
will come falling out of the sky!
Ooh, wait a minute.
That wasn't a fake laugh.
That was real.
Esmé, I finally found something
to laugh about.
I never should have given the fungus
to Count Olaf.
You did a terrible thing
for a noble reason.
You saved my life.
Oh, oh, oh! Esmé, let's go laugh
at the Baudelaires in the brig.
What do we do now?
We're at a crossroads.
The Great Unknown is falling behind.
Maximum knots, and the propulsion motor
is dangerously close to blowing.
The motor's not going to hold.
We need a place to surface.
A beach or a dock.
I can find a place
near the Hotel Denouement.
Klaus...
Do you think we'll find Quigley?
I'm sure we'll find him... wherever he is.
The water cycle consists
of three phenomena:
evaporation, precipitation,
and collection.
Occasionally,
while I'm collecting evidence
concerning the history
of the Baudelaire orphans,
I imagine myself as a drop of water,
especially if it is raining
or if my desk is floating in a reservoir.
It is not a pleasant feeling.
I think about how ghastly it would feel
to be yanked away from my comrades,
when we were gathered
in a lake or a puddle,
and forced into the sky
through the process of evaporation.
Think how terrible it would feel
to be chased out of a cloud
by the process of precipitation,
and tumble to the earth...
like a sugar bowl.
How heartbroken I would feel
to gather once more in a body of water
and feel that I had reached...
the Last Safe Place...
only to have the tables turn,
and evaporate into the sky once more,
as the tedious cycle
started all over again.
I found the closest beach.
It is awful to contemplate
this sort of life in which one would
always be forced into motion
by a variety of mysterious
and powerful forces,
never finding a safe place,
never able to turn the tables
for very long.
For the same reason,
the Baudelaire orphans
found it awful to contemplate their
own lives as their submarine landed
at the very place where their cycle
of unfortunate events began.
It's like we're starting the cycle
all over again.
Baudelaires?
What are you doing here
on Briny Beach... again?
What are you doing here?
I'd given up all hope of finding you,
and I decided to visit this beach
to indulge in some sadness and rock
skipping instead of searching for you,
which frankly
has given me nothing but tsuris.
"Tsuris" means trouble.
We know what tsuris means.
Where have you been,
and how did you get here?
Baudelaires!
I hope you haven't been waiting long.
Is that my new secretary?
What are you doing here?
When you didn't show up at the office,
I figured you were either sick
or giving birth.
My apologies, Mr. Poe, but perhaps
you forgot I don't work for you.
It is customary to give at least ten days'
notice when resigning a position, Ms...
Miss...
Ms...
I seem to have forgotten your name.
I never gave it to you.
Ah, then it's your fault.
My cab is just over there,
and I'd be happy to drive you
to the Last Safe Place,
if that's still where you want to go.
Baudelaires, I insist you come with me.
You've been accused of murder, arson,
kidnapping, and all sorts
of assorted misdemeanors.
We're innocent!
I'm sure you are,
but that's why
you need to come with me
to the police station
so we can sort everything out.
Since you ran away from your problems,
it became clear
that the stem of your troubles
is from not having a clear guardian figure
in your life.
Perhaps it's time
for that guardian to be me.
You know how good I am with children.
So, come along, Baudelaires!
Let's end this unfortunate cycle
once and for all!
You're right.
I know I am. That's why I said it.
We have to break this cycle.
That's why we can't go with you.
But... don't be ridiculous.
I don't know where you've been,
how you got here,
or why you're wearing a picture
of Santa Claus on your uniforms.
Herman Melville.
I beg your pardon?
The picture on their uniforms
is Herman Melville.
He's one of my favorite authors.
I like the way he dramatizes
the plight of overlooked groups,
like poor sailors and young people.
Me too.
I'm not surprised.
He was one of your parents' favorites.
I should warn you, if you come with me,
your lives may become more difficult.
You may learn things
that you didn't want to know.
I wouldn't blame you for wanting
to leave this beach with that banker.
See? Even this strange, fertile woman
wants you to come with me.
But you'll take us to V.F.D.?
I promise.
Goodbye, Mr. Poe.
How did you find us?
With a little help from your friends.
Fiona Widdershins sent
a Volunteer Factual Dispatch
so that we knew you were on the Queequeg.
And Quigley Quagmire tracked your location
by studying tidal charts.
Is he here?
He wanted to be,
but he got a lead on a certain
self-sustaining hot air mobile home
He left to find his family.
He thought you would understand.
Baudelaires, you can't just go off
on your own!
You're children!
You're orphans!
You're leaving.
I was expecting this brig
to be full of suffering Baudelaires,
but someone let them get away.
I want you to think
about what you've done,
and once you're good and sorry,
I will tear you hook from hook.
We have to get out of here.
I know.
And then we have to warn V.F.D.
about the Medusoid Mycelium.
Why do we?
And then we have to rescue
those Snow Scouts, defect from Count Olaf,
and search for our stepfather
so we can be a family again.
That sounds nice.
But first we have to escape
from this brig.
They who hesitate are lost.
Our agents are already converging
on the Hotel Denouement,
so we'll have to drive quickly.
Do you have any questions?
Who are you?
An excellent question.
The name's Snicket.
Kit Snicket.