A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript
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We need help!
Open up!
- What's the password?
- We don't know the password.
-We need help!
-We just fell off a mountain.
-They're not gonna let us in!
-They might if we say the right thing.
This is a V.F.D. submarine.
What are phrases associated with V.F.D.?
Volunteer Fire Department!
The World is Quiet Here?
After a great deal of time
examining oceans,
investigating rainstorms,
and staring very hard
at several drinking fountains,
the scientists of the world developed
a theory called "the water cycle."
The water cycle consists
of three key phenomena...
evaporation, precipitation,
and collection.
All of them are equally dry,
a word which here means "boring."
Sometimes it is a relief to be bored
because when one is bored...
one is also safe.
My name is Lemony Snicket,
and I, myself, wish that I were studying
something dry like the water cycle
instead of the lives
of the Baudelaire orphans,
which are neither dry as in boring
nor dry as in lacking ocean.
But I advise you to find
some safe, dry piece of entertainment,
rather than watching another second
of this danger-filled,
extremely damp tale.
This way.
Aye, come in.
Look at all this equipment.
Look at these tidal charts. I think
the submarine is searching for something.
Aye, we are.
Welcome to the Queequeg, Baudelaires.
Shiver me timbers!
That's an expression pirates use
when they're surprised.
Are you a pirate?
No, but I am surprised to find
Klaus, Violet, and Sunny Baudelaire
-in the middle of the ocean.
-How do you know who we are?
And The Daily Punctilio
says that you're dangerous murderers.
Well, you can't always believe
what you read in the newspaper.
So you're not dangerous?
I, uh...
We've had our...
Well, m-m-maybe a little...
dangerous.
We haven't gotten your name yet.
Fiona Widdershins.
I'm the captain of this sub.
-You?
-You think a girl can't man a submarine?
No, of course she can.
You're just so young.
I'm old enough.
I haven't been captain for long.
That's my stepfather,
the original Captain Widdershins.
He's gone now.
We're orphans too.
My stepfather's not dead.
He left one day to answer a distress call
from a manatee and never came back.
Well, we're sorry--
He's out there.
He'll find me. I know he will.
Well, we're glad you found us.
We got a message from V.F.D.
saying there was a meeting
at the Last Safe Place on Thursday.
Our friend might be there.
Can you take us?
I'm already on a mission.
Then can you take us to shore?
I can't just change course
in the middle of a mission! Sorry.
It's been hard running the submarine
on my own, but V.F.D. is counting on me.
Well, what if you weren't on your own?
If we helped with your mission,
you could take us to the Last Safe Place.
Klaus, there's no time.
The meeting's on Thursday.
-That's still a few days away.
-You'd volunteer?
That's what V.F.D. is for.
Klaus, we don't even know
what this mission is.
Only the most important mission
in V.F.D. history.
I'm searching for the sugar bowl.
The expression "shiver me timbers"
comes from the society of pirates
who enjoy using interesting expressions
almost as much as jumping aboard
other people's ships
and stealing their valuables.
It is an expression of extreme amazement
they used in circumstances
when one feels as if one's very bones,
or timbers, are shivering.
I have not used it since one rainy night
when it was necessary to pose as a pirate
experiencing amazement.
But there is one occasion
when it is always appropriate,
and that is when you see Count Olaf.
Shiver me timbers!
That's a pirate expression
that means put on these disguises
and do what I tell you.
Now, the public still thinks
that I'm dead,
so we have to be extremely careful
with what we say.
Hello, I'm looking to steal a submarine.
I mean, borrow a submarine.
I mean, rent your finest
discount submarine.
In case you were wondering,
I'm just a typical family man
on vacation with my lovely wife--
This muumuu is not very "in."
-My handsome daughter--
-I'm not handsome! I'm adorable.
-And a distant cousin who is dead to me.
-Is this because I didn't murder the baby?
-I said I was sorry!
-Sh!
He says the strangest things.
As I was saying,
we're taking a family vacation
to the bottom of the sea to hunt orphans,
which is a normal activity
that many families do.
Yep, just a normal family
with an extensive backstory
that I'm happy to share with you
if you have any questions,
or if you've noticed that I resemble
a certain dead count
that you read about in the paper.
Esmé Squalor?
No, that's not my name.
My name is some other thing
I haven't told you yet.
Are you Esmé Squalor?
-Who's asking?
-Your submarine's ready.
My submarine?
Her submarine?
Some couple arranged it.
Our most terrifying submarine
for one Esmé Squalor.
It was over the phone, but it sounded like
one of them had hair and no beard
and the other had a beard and no hair.
Real aura of menace.
They prepaid.
Both so thoughtful.
Well, did they order anything else?
Maybe under the name Olaf?
Just this captain's hat.
-I'll take it!
-They said she was captain.
Oh!
Oh, well, this is "in"!
Countie, Hooky's hooks
are making me feel uncomfortable.
I'll make it up to you, boss.
Who do you want me to kill?
Yep, just a normal, regular,
ordinary family.
Your sub's the one with the tentacles.
Oh!
We heard about a sugar bowl.
Esmé Squalor was searching for it
at the Heimlich Hospital.
But one of our agents got to it first.
She was taking it to V.F.D. headquarters
in the Mortmain Mountains.
We went there. They burnt down.
I know. And the sugar bowl
fell into Stricken Stream,
where it was carried out to sea.
That is why the Queequeg
is the only hope of finding it.
-What's so important about the sugar bowl?
-Both sides of the schism are after it.
Some say it's the reason
for the schism itself.
-What's in it?
-That's top secret.
-You're not gonna tell us?
-It's on a need to know basis,
and you don't need to know.
I don't take orders
unless I know the facts.
How about we all just focus on finding it,
then we'll all know
what's inside the... sugar bowl.
You sound like Cookie.
He's always saying cheery stuff like that.
-Cookie?
-My other crewman.
He's in charge of meals,
though his cooking's a little heavy
-on the chewing gum.
-Hey, Cookie! Get out here!
Baudelaires!
-Phil!
-Phil!
Oh, what are you doing here?
Cookie's my second-in-command.
Ain't that right, Cookie?
-His name is Phil.
-And I call him Cookie.
Oh, I really don't mind
what people call me.
I'm glad you got out
of that terrible lumber mill.
I was sure I could find a better job
than "unpaid mill worker."
And look at me now. I am a cook
on an understaffed submarine!
Life keeps getting better and better!
Phil, I am so sorry
for causing that accident.
-No, no, no. That healed ages ago!
-Then what happened to your leg?
It was eaten by a shark. Yeah.
It was extremely painful,
but on the bright side,
most people never get to see
such a dangerous animal up close.
I can see you're still an optimist.
What's for dinner, Cookie?
I don't like to say anything bad about
anyone's cooking, even mine, so I won't.
Tonight's casserole is extremely chewy.
-Chewy?
-It's just gum.
What my sister means is she recently
took up an interest in cooking.
She'd be happy to help you in the kitchen.
I'd appreciate that.
I have no idea what I'm doing!
We've got uniforms in the barracks.
Once you suit up,
Sunny can join Cookie in the galley,
while I show Klaus the library.
I could use a dedicated researcher.
-What can I do?
-Do you have any special skills?
My sister's a mechanical genius.
I wouldn't say "genius."
Well, I'm pretty mechanically-minded
myself, so the boat's in ship-shape.
-I see.
-My stepfather had a philosophy:
"He who hesitates is lost."
-So let's not hesitate, Baudelaires.
- Aye-aye.
-Aye-aye!
-Aye-aye.
"He who hesitates is lost"
isn't a very useful philosophy.
There are plenty of times
where it's better to stop and think.
Besides, it should be
"he or she who hesitates."
I guess that's harder to fit on a plaque.
We should hesitate now.
We should try and find the Last Safe Place
instead of floating around
looking for a sugar bowl.
I think we can trust Fiona.
I want to, but there's something about her
that rubs me the wrong way.
Really?
'Cause I think she's a lot like you.
I know you're worried about Quigley,
but I'm sure he's safe.
I know he is. Quigley's very resourceful.
Young man, are you telling me that
you tobogganed down a frozen waterfall,
fell into a stream when you were
separated from your friends,
then made it back to the city
on skis you carved out of tree bark?
Frankly, I find that difficult to swallow.
I mean, why not just call a cab?
And where are your parents?
I'm an orphan. My friends are orphans too.
That's why I came
to the Department of Orphan Affairs.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Yes.
No.
No.
The color puce.
No, thank you.
Hm.
You were saying?
Are you gonna help me
find my friends?
I'm sorry, but I simply don't have
the time to look for orphans
who lack the good sense to stay put.
Why, the Baudelaire case alone has
chapped my lips too many times to count!
And don't get me started
about the Quagmires.
I'm looking for the Baudelaires.
I'm Quigley Quagmire.
That's impossible.
Quigley Quagmire died in a fire,
which seems to be going around.
Now, my new secretary
will help you find the door.
Jacqueline?
Jacqueline!
I am not the secretary,
and my name is not Jacqueline,
but I might be able to help you.
This sounds
like a Viciously Fraught Dilemma.
For years, people have called me
a villain and a criminal.
They've trembled at my every wicked deed.
But I never understood until now
just how terrifying it is
to be under the control
of a villainous, treacherous,
tyrannical, traitorous,
super mean and really, really bossy--
-Ow!
-Don't be such a baby.
You're just mad because that nice couple
from the mountain like me better than you.
That's why they bought me
this submarine and hat.
A captain's hat
does not make you a captain!
And it's a rental.
-Olaf, are you in one of your moods?
-We should be hunting Baudelaires,
not... not floating around
in this hunk of tin.
Listen, mister. I supported you
when you wanted to chase your dream
of chasing those orphans
through some of the least "in" landscapes
in the hinterlands.
This time, we are going after what I want.
The sugar bowl.
You're darn right, the sugar bowl.
Besides, just think of this
as family time.
Look at me, Countie!
Look at me! Look, Countie!
It's so important in these modern times
-with everybody rushing around...
-Look! Look!
...that families carve out time
-to really be together.
-Look at me!
Look at me, you cakesniffers!
Darling, you look adorable!
Doesn't she look adorable?
I'm a tap-dancing-ballerina-
fairy princess-veterinarian!
Next time, please ask
before you take disguises from my trunk.
But Countie,
I need a special outfit to rehearse
for my special tap-dancing-
ballerina-fairy princess-
veterinarian recital!
This number is called "Swan Lake,"
where the swan gets run over
because it thought
it was more adorable than me.
Aww!
Oh! Oh!
Woo!
Woo!
Where do you think you're going?
To drown my sorrows,
before I drown a fairy princess.
Where have you been?
Oh, sorry, boss. I had to swab the deck
and hang that picture of Captain Esmé
before I started cooking.
I miss the rest of the troupe.
It's a little challenging being
the only crew member aboard the Carmelita.
I think we should keep
workshopping that name.
Oh... Um, listen, boss,
I know that you're upset about, you know,
what went down on the mountains.
So I just wanted to let you know
that you can still count on me.
I said "count"
because I made a little Countie face.
-What is this?
-What? Oh, it's a chef's salad.
It's full of different things
that are just chopped up and--
Is there any beef in it?
-It's vegetarian.
-Vege-what-who?
"Vegetarian" means
there's no meat in it whatsoever.
Ow, that's my favorite hook!
You are my henchperson,
a word which here means you work for me.
So the next time
I ask you to toss a baby off a cliff,
-I expect to hear one thing.
-Uh...
"Splat."
Yes!
Oh, no!
Hello, sailors. Looking sharp.
This is Herman Melville.
He's one of my favorite authors.
I love the way he dramatizes
the plight of overlooked groups,
like poor sailors and young people.
I like his use of symbolism,
like how Moby Dick is both a literal whale
and a metaphor for death.
I could do without the sea captain
pursuing obsessive, bloody,
single-minded revenge.
I'm not surprised.
But my favorite books are over here.
Mycology, Your Cology,
The Fungus Among Us,
The Mycological Gaze...
This is books on mushrooms.
-Are you a mycologist?
-I've always been interested in fungi.
-Where should we start?
-Well, a book on tidal charts
might help us determine
where the currents carried the sugar bowl.
Then we can calculate where it ended up.
It would be easier to calculate
if we knew what was inside.
And I told you that is confidential.
So we can miss the V.F.D. gathering
for something we know nothing about.
Without the sugar bowl,
there is no gathering. Now get to work.
-But--
-I am the captain and that is an order!
I...
-Sorry, I--
-I'm gonna go check the sonar equipment.
If that's okay with the captain.
I don't know what came over me.
It's okay. We've all been through a lot.
It's just been hard without my stepfather.
I'm under so much pressure.
Well, that makes sense.
You're in a submarine.
You know, you and Violet
are actually a lot alike.
You're both pretty smart,
pretty strong-willed, pretty...
pretty... uh...
The truth is...
my stepfather never told me
what was inside the sugar bowl.
A captain's supposed to have
all the answers,
but there's so much
he never told me about V.F.D.
He said that some secrets are too terrible
for young people to know.
He drove my brother crazy.
You have a brother?
He died.
In a fire?
No. In a manatee accident.
Well, our parents kept secrets
from us too.
I think they were trying to keep us safe.
Instead, we're facing dangers
they never prepared us for.
Listen, Klaus. There's something
you should know about my family.
Oh, I found it! The Water Cycle.
Sorry, you were saying?
It's not important.
Boxes of gum!
I raided the pantry at Lucky Smells
before I left.
But we also have potatoes,
all-purpose flour,
cream, ground black pepper,
and...
cod.
I know! We could make
a cod and gum casserole.
Chowder with gum?
You have a lot to learn about cooking,
little lady.
Cod and potato chowder.
That is brilliant!
We don't have any butter,
but we do have olive oil.
"Adventurous cooking
often necessitates quick substitutions,"
as my Auntie Julia used to say.
You know, ordinarily, I would never let
a toddler peel potatoes, but...
you seem like a natural!
There you are.
There was nothing onboard
that needed repairing,
so I've been studying
the mechanics of this airlock.
You put on these diving suits,
and the room fills with water,
and then that hatch opens
so you can go out to explore.
That might be useful.
We've made some progress.
You and Fiona?
You should give her a chance.
The reason she didn't tell us
what's in the sugar bowl
-is because she doesn't know.
-So she lied? What else is she hiding?
She's on our side. She's V.F.D.!
But what side of the schism?
She seems pretty noble to me.
A lot of people seem noble that aren't.
I don't trust her, Klaus.
But I do.
-Don't you trust me?
-Of course.
Then just try to get along.
Come on, we'll show you what we found.
We assume the bowl
was carried downstream,
and then was washed out to sea,
where the tides carried it
in a northwesterly direction.
-Did it sink?
-Oceans are in constant motion,
so if an object falls into the sea,
then it'll end up miles away.
The currents in this part of the ocean
would have carried the sugar bowl
around the Mediocre Barrier Reef,
which would have carried it to here.
- It's marked "A.A."
- Anwhistle Aquatics.
Anwhistle was our Aunt Josephine's
last name.
I know.
Anwhistle Aquatics was a marine research
and rhetorical advice center.
Her husband, Ike,
ran it with his brother, Gregor.
Aunt Josephine never mentioned it.
She never mentioned a lot of things.
I'm not surprised
she never wanted to talk about it.
Ike and Gregor had a terrible falling out.
No one knew why,
but they never spoke to each other again.
And then one day there was a fire.
Anwhistle Aquatics burned down,
and Gregor Anwhistle was killed.
So the sugar bowl
-is near the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics?
-That's where it gets confusing.
According to my calculations, the bowl
is under Anwhistle Aquatics, right here.
It's marked "G.G."
The Gorgonian Grotto.
-It's an underwater cave below the lab.
-So we'll set a course for the Grotto.
-What?
-We shouldn't rush it.
We don't know
if the calculations are correct.
I thought she who hesitated was lost.
Maybe this time, we should stop and think.
We can't stop.
We have to make it to the Last Safe Place
by Thursday. We're running out of time!
Klaus, tell your sister
she is being insubordinate!
Tell your captain she's being absurd!
-I... Let's--
-Soup's up!
-Good timing, Phil.
-Don't thank me, thank Sunny.
Her teeth came in real handy
dicing potatoes and deboning the fish.
Smells delicious.
Good work, you two.
Good work, everyone.
On the advice of my crew,
I've decided to set sail for the Gorgonian
Grotto right away. Captain's orders.
You see? There is no problem
that a family dinner can't solve.
-Political injustice.
-Stomachache.
-Complex math.
-I'm talking about real problems, guys!
It's lettuce.
-And you're sure it's edible?
-That's what I said.
I wanted a salad with pizzas inside.
This one's a real snooze.
Darling...
Say something.
Look, uh, Hooky...
-Actually, you know, my name is--
-This is a family dinner.
Aw!
Thanks, boss.
Last I checked, I had one
fabulously handsome, "in" partner.
-That's moi.
-And one adorably adopted,
sickeningly talented daughter.
A man, a woman, a child.
That's a family.
Actually, families take on
all sorts of shapes, like--
What Esmé means is
go eat in the brig with the rats.
Oh, um...
Yes, boss.
We'll be at Anwhistle Aquatics
within the hour.
Maybe you should tell us
what we're really getting into.
-Violet, stop.
-There's something she's not telling us.
That's why she hesitated.
What's down there?
The Medusoid Mycelium.
Mycelium is a word for mushrooms.
And Medusa is a monster from Greek
mythology. Her hair is made of snakes.
I bet she was really nice
when you got to know her.
The Medusoid Mycelium is a rare mushroom
that only grows in the grotto.
One of my books has a poem about it.
"A single spore has such grim power
that you may die within the hour."
-So it's poisonous.
-And deadly.
The mushroom waxes and wanes.
It appears and disappears in cycles.
When it wanes, you might not even know
it's there, but when it waxes...
The grotto isolates the fungus
so it cannot spread.
If that's where the sugar bowl is...
If that's where we're headed...
this mission could be doomed.
It's the sonar detector.
-Is that Q the Queequeg?
-Aye.
What's that question mark?
-Maybe if we go dark, it won't see us.
-But--
She who hesitates is lost. Shut off
the engines, lights, everything! Go!
Get down. Get down!
What was that?
Sailors called it The Great Unknown.
Did you see it through the porthole?
It was enormous.
That was nothing.
A few scales, a glimpse of skin.
My stepfather used to say
there are things in the world
more powerful
than human beings can fathom.
Ancient, mysterious things.
The Great Unknown is one of them.
Different cultures
call it by different names, but...
it's always out there,
waiting in the darkness.
Jacques Snicket's brother wrote
an account of it. It's in the library.
We should read that,
in case it comes back,
and any books you have
on the Medusoid Mycelium.
- I'll get them.
- Please hurry back.
You do not want to miss dessert.
Sunny and I made something very special.
It's not gum, is it?
It's a surprise.
I wish you were here.
The way sadness works is one
of the strange riddles of the world.
If you have been stricken
with a great sadness,
you may feel
as if you have been set aflame
as the sadness spreads over your life,
like smoke from an enormous fire.
If the Baudelaires could laugh again,
they might have found it funny to know
that as they contemplated
their own sad history
and the uncharted waters ahead,
their worst enemy
was adrift in sadness too.
I'll never laugh again.
See? My lips can't even form the sound.
All joy and mirth has been sucked
from my life like those...
What are those parasitic things
that cling to you and suck your blood?
Lachrymose leeches?
Families.
How the mighty have sunk...
sunk to the bottom of the sea.
Without the Baudelaires to torment,
there is no light, no air,
no prescription moisturizer
because someone forgot to pack it!
Stop being depressing.
It's depressing me.
Get over it.
Life's the pits,
and you can't get what you want,
no matter how handsome
and good-looking you are.
But I'm adorable!
Looks fade.
You're scaring our daughter!
I know, and I still don't feel better.
I don't believe it.
What is that cakesniffing shape?
- It looks like a big comma.
- It's the Great Unknown.
I thought that was a myth,
like gravity or inner beauty.
Be quiet or it'll sense us!
I don't have to be quiet.
I'm too adorable!
Turn out the lights!
I'll tell Hooky to get us out of here.
Hooky, get us out of here.
Wait...
Is that a Q?
What is that?
It looks like...
Quick, turn everything off again.
Well, if it isn't the Queequeg.
That's Captain Widdershins' ship.
Widdershins? That sounds
like a skin disease. Am I right?
You're close. It's a volunteer.
That old salt lick owes me fifty bucks!
Plus, I bet he can tell us
where the Baudelaires are.
Those volunteers are always
sending each other annoying telegrams.
We are not after the Baudelaires!
We're after the sugar bowl.
I remind you that I've been made
captain of this boat, not you.
-Oh!
-Consider this a mutiny.
Full steam ahead!
It's coming straight at us.
- It's a submarine.
- A very strange submarine.
Let's not stick around!
Ah, the thrill of the chase!
I can feel my belly roil!
That's the salad.
You can never trust green food.
Ha!
That's not the salad, my pet.
That's a villainous laugh.
Ha-ha-hi-ho.
Ha-ha-hee-ho.
Horticulture!
Come to papa!
Oh, boy, this is exciting!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hee-hee!
-Oh, no!
-It can't be!
I'm splitting my sides!
I'm nauseous with mirth!
I'm seriously considering
compiling a joke book
from all the hilarious things
bouncing around in my brain!
Ha-ha!
If I do say so myself.
Ha!
When did you change?
We boarded the sub, like, right away.
Oh, this? It's just something
I threw together.
Oh, you look great.
-Doesn't she?
-You're not Captain Widdershins.
Oops.
Sorry, kids.
Well, well, well...
The Quagmires.
-It's the Baudelaires, love.
-Who?
You adopted us for a while.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- Hm.
What a fortuitous turn of events.
I was expecting to torture an old enemy
until he revealed the location
of you orphans,
but now I can skip the middleman
and simply torture you.
Hee-hee-hi-ho.
Ha ya, pickle ho.
-Why are you making those noises?
-It's our new villainous laugh.
It's very "in."
There's nothing funny about villainy.
Yes, well, comedy is subjective.
Higgledy-piggledy!
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
I thought you'd drowned
in Stricken Stream.
I was heartbroken.
You weren't heartbroken. You've tried
to murder us plenty of times.
I was heartbroken because I'd planned
to slaughter you myself,
after I got your fortune, of course.
And pried the sugar bowl
from your cold, dead fingers or toes.
Why would we hold a sugar bowl
with our toes?
Don't question me.
Where is the old man, anyway?
I thought this was his sub.
Captain Widdershins left
to answer a distress call from a manatee
and never came back.
That does check out.
He always had a thing for sea cows.
But do you expect me to believe that
he would leave his sub with no captain?
I'm the captain.
You? Captain of a submarine?
I don't believe that.
-Because I'm too young?
-Because you're a girl.
Uh, you were a captain
not five minutes ago, love.
I am a woman.
- You're coming with us, brats.
- What about me?
Who are you again? Oh, never mind.
There's room in the brig for all of you.
I get to see a brig?
-Let's go, orphans.
-Sea monster!
-Wait, what?
-How dare you call me that.
Oh, man, running is super fun!
I'll show you a sea monster!
Take that!
Sorry, baby, but I can't let you get away
this time.
Lookee, Countie,
I caught a cakesniffer!
You see, Baudelaires, I have a family too,
only mine is better than yours
because they do everything
I tell them to do,
and they're alive.
-Darling...
-Not now, my pet.
-But darling, the sugar bowl--
-Yes, I know you want the sugar bowl!
I'm going to find it for you, I promise.
But darling!
They already have.
That's because this is scary.
You will dive deep
and retrieve that sugar bowl!
You hear me?
I'm sure they can hear you, dear.
You're very, very loud.
And I wouldn't try to escape.
You're at the bottom of the ocean
and there's not much air in those suits.
If you don't come back, you'll die,
and I don't want that, not yet.
Let's have one more round
of villainous laughter, on the house.
Ha-ha hostages!
Hee-hee-hee antagonism!
Cackle, cackle, cakesniffer!
The phrase "uncharted waters" refers
to locations that do not appear on a map,
but it can also describe
any place that is unknown.
From the darkest depths of the sea...
to one's own future,
which cannot be known until it arrives.
Widdershins, you old fool.
You always picked the wrong side.
-What do you think happened to him?
-He probably drowned.
-You think?
-Or got himself eaten by sharks.
No, that was me.
Classic Phil.
Boss... you know, most submarines
have more than one crew member.
So what? Most sailors
have more than no hands.
No, I meant, maybe I should search
for stowaways.
-That's not a bad idea, Hooky.
-Actually, my name is--
Search the Queequeg
from stern to other side.
If you find any volunteers
or soft pretzels,
bring them right to my mouth.
Aye aye, Captain.
I love soft pretzels!
S...
O...
S.
That's what I ought to send!
- I'm literally drowning in paperwork.
- Figuratively.
You're figuratively drowning in paperwork.
Yes, I meant to say literally.
It's all hands on deck here
at the Department of Orphan Affairs
since those mysterious fires
created all those orphans.
And if that weren't bad enough,
the orphans themselves have gone missing.
That's why I'm so glad
you've agreed to become my secretary.
I don't work for you, Mr. Poe.
I'm just here to use your telegraph.
Well, I wish you'd reconsider.
We offer partial-pay maternity leave.
Is that my boss? Is it my wife?
Is it the taxman?
I meant to pay him,
but I got so busy making money.
-It's for me.
-For you?
Technically,
it's a Volunteer Factual Dispatch,
which is a type of message
sent out to all the members
of a particular organization
to which I belong,
but I thought maybe
that was too confusing to explain.
Yes. Well...
We'll discuss receiving personal
correspondences in the office tomorrow.
Sugar bowl in G.G., stop.
Mission compromised, stop.
Come on! Come on!
Sending help.
It's me. How fast can you swim?
As Klaus had predicted
by studying the tidal charts,
the currents carried the Baudelaires
to the mouth of the Gorgonian Grotto.
I remember a time when Anwhistle Aquatics
was renowned as a marine research
and rhetorical advice center,
and as the aquatic base
of a secret organization.
The organization has waxed and waned
over the years,
and since the schism,
many volunteers have lost dear friends,
trusted associates, and beloved siblings.
Anwhistle Aquatics, of course,
burned down in a fire,
but the grotto beneath the lab remains
so that anyone who ventures inside
can see glimpses
of the organization's glorious history...
before it fell into darkness.
That must lead
to Anwhistle Aquatics.
And a way out.
Once we get the bowl,
-we'll be able to escape to the surface.
-Not without Fiona.
-Fiona can handle herself.
-We're not leaving her behind!
We can talk about it
once we find the sugar bowl.
That's scientific equipment.
V.F.D. must have been doing
experiments down here before the fire.
What kind of experiments?
Did you find something?
It's an old telegram.
A Volunteer Factual Dispatch.
That's V.F.D.
Please reconsider your project.
You're playing with fire.
Don't make me do the same."
It's signed "Fernald."
Who's Fernald?
And what project?
I don't know.
There's something sinister
about this place.
Something bad happened here.
It's not just the fire.
I'm sure my calculations were correct.
I double-checked them,
and Fiona triple-checked them.
Look at this. I think they were.
It looks like the sugar bowl was here.
Those footprints are recent.
-Hello?
-Is someone up there?
Violet? Klaus?
-Quigley?
-Quigley!
What are you doing here?
V.F.D. sent me. I got the sugar bowl!
I've learned so much! When you get
up here, I'll tell you everything.
Violet, stop!
It's the Medusoid Mycelium.
It's waxing!
-What's going on?
-Violet, you have to come down.
Violet!
Violet, hurry! It's spreading towards you!
Quigley, the mushrooms are dangerous!
They're spreading up the stairs!
You have to go!
No, not without you!
-We'll meet you at the Last Safe Place.
-No!
Count Olaf is expecting the sugar bowl.
Should Quigley throw it down?
No. Whatever's inside
is safer away from Count Olaf.
Shut the door!
Quigley, shut the door!
What do we tell Olaf
when we come back empty-handed?
If we don't go now,
we won't be alive to tell them.
Come on. If we hesitate, we're lost.
-I searched the sub.
-And?
I didn't find anyone, boss.
Well, thank you
for wasting everyone's time!
Take the prisoner to the Carmelita.
Oh, that must be the Baudelaires!
Oh! Oh!
I am so excited to get my hands
on that sugar bowl,
I could chew off someone's arm!
-I've still got two of ‘em!
-Come on! Show-off.
One of the most powerful elements
not found on standard periodic tables
is the element of surprise.
Sugar bowl safe.
Baudelaires in danger.
The element of surprise
is found where you least expect it.
But it is a dangerous element,
which is why I recommend limiting one's
scientific studies to the water cycle.
I hope Quigley will be all right.
I hope we'll be all right once
they discover we don't have the bowl.
The water cycle consists
of three key phenomena:
evaporation, precipitation,
and collection.
All of them are equally boring...
One second, Sunny.
...but so much less upsetting...
than the natural phenomena
the Baudelaires were about to behold.
Oh, no.
No! No, no, no!
No, no, no!
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay, Sunny.
Don't worry.
Hee-hee-ho-ho.
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
We need help!
Open up!
- What's the password?
- We don't know the password.
-We need help!
-We just fell off a mountain.
-They're not gonna let us in!
-They might if we say the right thing.
This is a V.F.D. submarine.
What are phrases associated with V.F.D.?
Volunteer Fire Department!
The World is Quiet Here?
After a great deal of time
examining oceans,
investigating rainstorms,
and staring very hard
at several drinking fountains,
the scientists of the world developed
a theory called "the water cycle."
The water cycle consists
of three key phenomena...
evaporation, precipitation,
and collection.
All of them are equally dry,
a word which here means "boring."
Sometimes it is a relief to be bored
because when one is bored...
one is also safe.
My name is Lemony Snicket,
and I, myself, wish that I were studying
something dry like the water cycle
instead of the lives
of the Baudelaire orphans,
which are neither dry as in boring
nor dry as in lacking ocean.
But I advise you to find
some safe, dry piece of entertainment,
rather than watching another second
of this danger-filled,
extremely damp tale.
This way.
Aye, come in.
Look at all this equipment.
Look at these tidal charts. I think
the submarine is searching for something.
Aye, we are.
Welcome to the Queequeg, Baudelaires.
Shiver me timbers!
That's an expression pirates use
when they're surprised.
Are you a pirate?
No, but I am surprised to find
Klaus, Violet, and Sunny Baudelaire
-in the middle of the ocean.
-How do you know who we are?
And The Daily Punctilio
says that you're dangerous murderers.
Well, you can't always believe
what you read in the newspaper.
So you're not dangerous?
I, uh...
We've had our...
Well, m-m-maybe a little...
dangerous.
We haven't gotten your name yet.
Fiona Widdershins.
I'm the captain of this sub.
-You?
-You think a girl can't man a submarine?
No, of course she can.
You're just so young.
I'm old enough.
I haven't been captain for long.
That's my stepfather,
the original Captain Widdershins.
He's gone now.
We're orphans too.
My stepfather's not dead.
He left one day to answer a distress call
from a manatee and never came back.
Well, we're sorry--
He's out there.
He'll find me. I know he will.
Well, we're glad you found us.
We got a message from V.F.D.
saying there was a meeting
at the Last Safe Place on Thursday.
Our friend might be there.
Can you take us?
I'm already on a mission.
Then can you take us to shore?
I can't just change course
in the middle of a mission! Sorry.
It's been hard running the submarine
on my own, but V.F.D. is counting on me.
Well, what if you weren't on your own?
If we helped with your mission,
you could take us to the Last Safe Place.
Klaus, there's no time.
The meeting's on Thursday.
-That's still a few days away.
-You'd volunteer?
That's what V.F.D. is for.
Klaus, we don't even know
what this mission is.
Only the most important mission
in V.F.D. history.
I'm searching for the sugar bowl.
The expression "shiver me timbers"
comes from the society of pirates
who enjoy using interesting expressions
almost as much as jumping aboard
other people's ships
and stealing their valuables.
It is an expression of extreme amazement
they used in circumstances
when one feels as if one's very bones,
or timbers, are shivering.
I have not used it since one rainy night
when it was necessary to pose as a pirate
experiencing amazement.
But there is one occasion
when it is always appropriate,
and that is when you see Count Olaf.
Shiver me timbers!
That's a pirate expression
that means put on these disguises
and do what I tell you.
Now, the public still thinks
that I'm dead,
so we have to be extremely careful
with what we say.
Hello, I'm looking to steal a submarine.
I mean, borrow a submarine.
I mean, rent your finest
discount submarine.
In case you were wondering,
I'm just a typical family man
on vacation with my lovely wife--
This muumuu is not very "in."
-My handsome daughter--
-I'm not handsome! I'm adorable.
-And a distant cousin who is dead to me.
-Is this because I didn't murder the baby?
-I said I was sorry!
-Sh!
He says the strangest things.
As I was saying,
we're taking a family vacation
to the bottom of the sea to hunt orphans,
which is a normal activity
that many families do.
Yep, just a normal family
with an extensive backstory
that I'm happy to share with you
if you have any questions,
or if you've noticed that I resemble
a certain dead count
that you read about in the paper.
Esmé Squalor?
No, that's not my name.
My name is some other thing
I haven't told you yet.
Are you Esmé Squalor?
-Who's asking?
-Your submarine's ready.
My submarine?
Her submarine?
Some couple arranged it.
Our most terrifying submarine
for one Esmé Squalor.
It was over the phone, but it sounded like
one of them had hair and no beard
and the other had a beard and no hair.
Real aura of menace.
They prepaid.
Both so thoughtful.
Well, did they order anything else?
Maybe under the name Olaf?
Just this captain's hat.
-I'll take it!
-They said she was captain.
Oh!
Oh, well, this is "in"!
Countie, Hooky's hooks
are making me feel uncomfortable.
I'll make it up to you, boss.
Who do you want me to kill?
Yep, just a normal, regular,
ordinary family.
Your sub's the one with the tentacles.
Oh!
We heard about a sugar bowl.
Esmé Squalor was searching for it
at the Heimlich Hospital.
But one of our agents got to it first.
She was taking it to V.F.D. headquarters
in the Mortmain Mountains.
We went there. They burnt down.
I know. And the sugar bowl
fell into Stricken Stream,
where it was carried out to sea.
That is why the Queequeg
is the only hope of finding it.
-What's so important about the sugar bowl?
-Both sides of the schism are after it.
Some say it's the reason
for the schism itself.
-What's in it?
-That's top secret.
-You're not gonna tell us?
-It's on a need to know basis,
and you don't need to know.
I don't take orders
unless I know the facts.
How about we all just focus on finding it,
then we'll all know
what's inside the... sugar bowl.
You sound like Cookie.
He's always saying cheery stuff like that.
-Cookie?
-My other crewman.
He's in charge of meals,
though his cooking's a little heavy
-on the chewing gum.
-Hey, Cookie! Get out here!
Baudelaires!
-Phil!
-Phil!
Oh, what are you doing here?
Cookie's my second-in-command.
Ain't that right, Cookie?
-His name is Phil.
-And I call him Cookie.
Oh, I really don't mind
what people call me.
I'm glad you got out
of that terrible lumber mill.
I was sure I could find a better job
than "unpaid mill worker."
And look at me now. I am a cook
on an understaffed submarine!
Life keeps getting better and better!
Phil, I am so sorry
for causing that accident.
-No, no, no. That healed ages ago!
-Then what happened to your leg?
It was eaten by a shark. Yeah.
It was extremely painful,
but on the bright side,
most people never get to see
such a dangerous animal up close.
I can see you're still an optimist.
What's for dinner, Cookie?
I don't like to say anything bad about
anyone's cooking, even mine, so I won't.
Tonight's casserole is extremely chewy.
-Chewy?
-It's just gum.
What my sister means is she recently
took up an interest in cooking.
She'd be happy to help you in the kitchen.
I'd appreciate that.
I have no idea what I'm doing!
We've got uniforms in the barracks.
Once you suit up,
Sunny can join Cookie in the galley,
while I show Klaus the library.
I could use a dedicated researcher.
-What can I do?
-Do you have any special skills?
My sister's a mechanical genius.
I wouldn't say "genius."
Well, I'm pretty mechanically-minded
myself, so the boat's in ship-shape.
-I see.
-My stepfather had a philosophy:
"He who hesitates is lost."
-So let's not hesitate, Baudelaires.
- Aye-aye.
-Aye-aye!
-Aye-aye.
"He who hesitates is lost"
isn't a very useful philosophy.
There are plenty of times
where it's better to stop and think.
Besides, it should be
"he or she who hesitates."
I guess that's harder to fit on a plaque.
We should hesitate now.
We should try and find the Last Safe Place
instead of floating around
looking for a sugar bowl.
I think we can trust Fiona.
I want to, but there's something about her
that rubs me the wrong way.
Really?
'Cause I think she's a lot like you.
I know you're worried about Quigley,
but I'm sure he's safe.
I know he is. Quigley's very resourceful.
Young man, are you telling me that
you tobogganed down a frozen waterfall,
fell into a stream when you were
separated from your friends,
then made it back to the city
on skis you carved out of tree bark?
Frankly, I find that difficult to swallow.
I mean, why not just call a cab?
And where are your parents?
I'm an orphan. My friends are orphans too.
That's why I came
to the Department of Orphan Affairs.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Yes.
No.
No.
The color puce.
No, thank you.
Hm.
You were saying?
Are you gonna help me
find my friends?
I'm sorry, but I simply don't have
the time to look for orphans
who lack the good sense to stay put.
Why, the Baudelaire case alone has
chapped my lips too many times to count!
And don't get me started
about the Quagmires.
I'm looking for the Baudelaires.
I'm Quigley Quagmire.
That's impossible.
Quigley Quagmire died in a fire,
which seems to be going around.
Now, my new secretary
will help you find the door.
Jacqueline?
Jacqueline!
I am not the secretary,
and my name is not Jacqueline,
but I might be able to help you.
This sounds
like a Viciously Fraught Dilemma.
For years, people have called me
a villain and a criminal.
They've trembled at my every wicked deed.
But I never understood until now
just how terrifying it is
to be under the control
of a villainous, treacherous,
tyrannical, traitorous,
super mean and really, really bossy--
-Ow!
-Don't be such a baby.
You're just mad because that nice couple
from the mountain like me better than you.
That's why they bought me
this submarine and hat.
A captain's hat
does not make you a captain!
And it's a rental.
-Olaf, are you in one of your moods?
-We should be hunting Baudelaires,
not... not floating around
in this hunk of tin.
Listen, mister. I supported you
when you wanted to chase your dream
of chasing those orphans
through some of the least "in" landscapes
in the hinterlands.
This time, we are going after what I want.
The sugar bowl.
You're darn right, the sugar bowl.
Besides, just think of this
as family time.
Look at me, Countie!
Look at me! Look, Countie!
It's so important in these modern times
-with everybody rushing around...
-Look! Look!
...that families carve out time
-to really be together.
-Look at me!
Look at me, you cakesniffers!
Darling, you look adorable!
Doesn't she look adorable?
I'm a tap-dancing-ballerina-
fairy princess-veterinarian!
Next time, please ask
before you take disguises from my trunk.
But Countie,
I need a special outfit to rehearse
for my special tap-dancing-
ballerina-fairy princess-
veterinarian recital!
This number is called "Swan Lake,"
where the swan gets run over
because it thought
it was more adorable than me.
Aww!
Oh! Oh!
Woo!
Woo!
Where do you think you're going?
To drown my sorrows,
before I drown a fairy princess.
Where have you been?
Oh, sorry, boss. I had to swab the deck
and hang that picture of Captain Esmé
before I started cooking.
I miss the rest of the troupe.
It's a little challenging being
the only crew member aboard the Carmelita.
I think we should keep
workshopping that name.
Oh... Um, listen, boss,
I know that you're upset about, you know,
what went down on the mountains.
So I just wanted to let you know
that you can still count on me.
I said "count"
because I made a little Countie face.
-What is this?
-What? Oh, it's a chef's salad.
It's full of different things
that are just chopped up and--
Is there any beef in it?
-It's vegetarian.
-Vege-what-who?
"Vegetarian" means
there's no meat in it whatsoever.
Ow, that's my favorite hook!
You are my henchperson,
a word which here means you work for me.
So the next time
I ask you to toss a baby off a cliff,
-I expect to hear one thing.
-Uh...
"Splat."
Yes!
Oh, no!
Hello, sailors. Looking sharp.
This is Herman Melville.
He's one of my favorite authors.
I love the way he dramatizes
the plight of overlooked groups,
like poor sailors and young people.
I like his use of symbolism,
like how Moby Dick is both a literal whale
and a metaphor for death.
I could do without the sea captain
pursuing obsessive, bloody,
single-minded revenge.
I'm not surprised.
But my favorite books are over here.
Mycology, Your Cology,
The Fungus Among Us,
The Mycological Gaze...
This is books on mushrooms.
-Are you a mycologist?
-I've always been interested in fungi.
-Where should we start?
-Well, a book on tidal charts
might help us determine
where the currents carried the sugar bowl.
Then we can calculate where it ended up.
It would be easier to calculate
if we knew what was inside.
And I told you that is confidential.
So we can miss the V.F.D. gathering
for something we know nothing about.
Without the sugar bowl,
there is no gathering. Now get to work.
-But--
-I am the captain and that is an order!
I...
-Sorry, I--
-I'm gonna go check the sonar equipment.
If that's okay with the captain.
I don't know what came over me.
It's okay. We've all been through a lot.
It's just been hard without my stepfather.
I'm under so much pressure.
Well, that makes sense.
You're in a submarine.
You know, you and Violet
are actually a lot alike.
You're both pretty smart,
pretty strong-willed, pretty...
pretty... uh...
The truth is...
my stepfather never told me
what was inside the sugar bowl.
A captain's supposed to have
all the answers,
but there's so much
he never told me about V.F.D.
He said that some secrets are too terrible
for young people to know.
He drove my brother crazy.
You have a brother?
He died.
In a fire?
No. In a manatee accident.
Well, our parents kept secrets
from us too.
I think they were trying to keep us safe.
Instead, we're facing dangers
they never prepared us for.
Listen, Klaus. There's something
you should know about my family.
Oh, I found it! The Water Cycle.
Sorry, you were saying?
It's not important.
Boxes of gum!
I raided the pantry at Lucky Smells
before I left.
But we also have potatoes,
all-purpose flour,
cream, ground black pepper,
and...
cod.
I know! We could make
a cod and gum casserole.
Chowder with gum?
You have a lot to learn about cooking,
little lady.
Cod and potato chowder.
That is brilliant!
We don't have any butter,
but we do have olive oil.
"Adventurous cooking
often necessitates quick substitutions,"
as my Auntie Julia used to say.
You know, ordinarily, I would never let
a toddler peel potatoes, but...
you seem like a natural!
There you are.
There was nothing onboard
that needed repairing,
so I've been studying
the mechanics of this airlock.
You put on these diving suits,
and the room fills with water,
and then that hatch opens
so you can go out to explore.
That might be useful.
We've made some progress.
You and Fiona?
You should give her a chance.
The reason she didn't tell us
what's in the sugar bowl
-is because she doesn't know.
-So she lied? What else is she hiding?
She's on our side. She's V.F.D.!
But what side of the schism?
She seems pretty noble to me.
A lot of people seem noble that aren't.
I don't trust her, Klaus.
But I do.
-Don't you trust me?
-Of course.
Then just try to get along.
Come on, we'll show you what we found.
We assume the bowl
was carried downstream,
and then was washed out to sea,
where the tides carried it
in a northwesterly direction.
-Did it sink?
-Oceans are in constant motion,
so if an object falls into the sea,
then it'll end up miles away.
The currents in this part of the ocean
would have carried the sugar bowl
around the Mediocre Barrier Reef,
which would have carried it to here.
- It's marked "A.A."
- Anwhistle Aquatics.
Anwhistle was our Aunt Josephine's
last name.
I know.
Anwhistle Aquatics was a marine research
and rhetorical advice center.
Her husband, Ike,
ran it with his brother, Gregor.
Aunt Josephine never mentioned it.
She never mentioned a lot of things.
I'm not surprised
she never wanted to talk about it.
Ike and Gregor had a terrible falling out.
No one knew why,
but they never spoke to each other again.
And then one day there was a fire.
Anwhistle Aquatics burned down,
and Gregor Anwhistle was killed.
So the sugar bowl
-is near the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics?
-That's where it gets confusing.
According to my calculations, the bowl
is under Anwhistle Aquatics, right here.
It's marked "G.G."
The Gorgonian Grotto.
-It's an underwater cave below the lab.
-So we'll set a course for the Grotto.
-What?
-We shouldn't rush it.
We don't know
if the calculations are correct.
I thought she who hesitated was lost.
Maybe this time, we should stop and think.
We can't stop.
We have to make it to the Last Safe Place
by Thursday. We're running out of time!
Klaus, tell your sister
she is being insubordinate!
Tell your captain she's being absurd!
-I... Let's--
-Soup's up!
-Good timing, Phil.
-Don't thank me, thank Sunny.
Her teeth came in real handy
dicing potatoes and deboning the fish.
Smells delicious.
Good work, you two.
Good work, everyone.
On the advice of my crew,
I've decided to set sail for the Gorgonian
Grotto right away. Captain's orders.
You see? There is no problem
that a family dinner can't solve.
-Political injustice.
-Stomachache.
-Complex math.
-I'm talking about real problems, guys!
It's lettuce.
-And you're sure it's edible?
-That's what I said.
I wanted a salad with pizzas inside.
This one's a real snooze.
Darling...
Say something.
Look, uh, Hooky...
-Actually, you know, my name is--
-This is a family dinner.
Aw!
Thanks, boss.
Last I checked, I had one
fabulously handsome, "in" partner.
-That's moi.
-And one adorably adopted,
sickeningly talented daughter.
A man, a woman, a child.
That's a family.
Actually, families take on
all sorts of shapes, like--
What Esmé means is
go eat in the brig with the rats.
Oh, um...
Yes, boss.
We'll be at Anwhistle Aquatics
within the hour.
Maybe you should tell us
what we're really getting into.
-Violet, stop.
-There's something she's not telling us.
That's why she hesitated.
What's down there?
The Medusoid Mycelium.
Mycelium is a word for mushrooms.
And Medusa is a monster from Greek
mythology. Her hair is made of snakes.
I bet she was really nice
when you got to know her.
The Medusoid Mycelium is a rare mushroom
that only grows in the grotto.
One of my books has a poem about it.
"A single spore has such grim power
that you may die within the hour."
-So it's poisonous.
-And deadly.
The mushroom waxes and wanes.
It appears and disappears in cycles.
When it wanes, you might not even know
it's there, but when it waxes...
The grotto isolates the fungus
so it cannot spread.
If that's where the sugar bowl is...
If that's where we're headed...
this mission could be doomed.
It's the sonar detector.
-Is that Q the Queequeg?
-Aye.
What's that question mark?
-Maybe if we go dark, it won't see us.
-But--
She who hesitates is lost. Shut off
the engines, lights, everything! Go!
Get down. Get down!
What was that?
Sailors called it The Great Unknown.
Did you see it through the porthole?
It was enormous.
That was nothing.
A few scales, a glimpse of skin.
My stepfather used to say
there are things in the world
more powerful
than human beings can fathom.
Ancient, mysterious things.
The Great Unknown is one of them.
Different cultures
call it by different names, but...
it's always out there,
waiting in the darkness.
Jacques Snicket's brother wrote
an account of it. It's in the library.
We should read that,
in case it comes back,
and any books you have
on the Medusoid Mycelium.
- I'll get them.
- Please hurry back.
You do not want to miss dessert.
Sunny and I made something very special.
It's not gum, is it?
It's a surprise.
I wish you were here.
The way sadness works is one
of the strange riddles of the world.
If you have been stricken
with a great sadness,
you may feel
as if you have been set aflame
as the sadness spreads over your life,
like smoke from an enormous fire.
If the Baudelaires could laugh again,
they might have found it funny to know
that as they contemplated
their own sad history
and the uncharted waters ahead,
their worst enemy
was adrift in sadness too.
I'll never laugh again.
See? My lips can't even form the sound.
All joy and mirth has been sucked
from my life like those...
What are those parasitic things
that cling to you and suck your blood?
Lachrymose leeches?
Families.
How the mighty have sunk...
sunk to the bottom of the sea.
Without the Baudelaires to torment,
there is no light, no air,
no prescription moisturizer
because someone forgot to pack it!
Stop being depressing.
It's depressing me.
Get over it.
Life's the pits,
and you can't get what you want,
no matter how handsome
and good-looking you are.
But I'm adorable!
Looks fade.
You're scaring our daughter!
I know, and I still don't feel better.
I don't believe it.
What is that cakesniffing shape?
- It looks like a big comma.
- It's the Great Unknown.
I thought that was a myth,
like gravity or inner beauty.
Be quiet or it'll sense us!
I don't have to be quiet.
I'm too adorable!
Turn out the lights!
I'll tell Hooky to get us out of here.
Hooky, get us out of here.
Wait...
Is that a Q?
What is that?
It looks like...
Quick, turn everything off again.
Well, if it isn't the Queequeg.
That's Captain Widdershins' ship.
Widdershins? That sounds
like a skin disease. Am I right?
You're close. It's a volunteer.
That old salt lick owes me fifty bucks!
Plus, I bet he can tell us
where the Baudelaires are.
Those volunteers are always
sending each other annoying telegrams.
We are not after the Baudelaires!
We're after the sugar bowl.
I remind you that I've been made
captain of this boat, not you.
-Oh!
-Consider this a mutiny.
Full steam ahead!
It's coming straight at us.
- It's a submarine.
- A very strange submarine.
Let's not stick around!
Ah, the thrill of the chase!
I can feel my belly roil!
That's the salad.
You can never trust green food.
Ha!
That's not the salad, my pet.
That's a villainous laugh.
Ha-ha-hi-ho.
Ha-ha-hee-ho.
Horticulture!
Come to papa!
Oh, boy, this is exciting!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hee-hee!
-Oh, no!
-It can't be!
I'm splitting my sides!
I'm nauseous with mirth!
I'm seriously considering
compiling a joke book
from all the hilarious things
bouncing around in my brain!
Ha-ha!
If I do say so myself.
Ha!
When did you change?
We boarded the sub, like, right away.
Oh, this? It's just something
I threw together.
Oh, you look great.
-Doesn't she?
-You're not Captain Widdershins.
Oops.
Sorry, kids.
Well, well, well...
The Quagmires.
-It's the Baudelaires, love.
-Who?
You adopted us for a while.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- Hm.
What a fortuitous turn of events.
I was expecting to torture an old enemy
until he revealed the location
of you orphans,
but now I can skip the middleman
and simply torture you.
Hee-hee-hi-ho.
Ha ya, pickle ho.
-Why are you making those noises?
-It's our new villainous laugh.
It's very "in."
There's nothing funny about villainy.
Yes, well, comedy is subjective.
Higgledy-piggledy!
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
I thought you'd drowned
in Stricken Stream.
I was heartbroken.
You weren't heartbroken. You've tried
to murder us plenty of times.
I was heartbroken because I'd planned
to slaughter you myself,
after I got your fortune, of course.
And pried the sugar bowl
from your cold, dead fingers or toes.
Why would we hold a sugar bowl
with our toes?
Don't question me.
Where is the old man, anyway?
I thought this was his sub.
Captain Widdershins left
to answer a distress call from a manatee
and never came back.
That does check out.
He always had a thing for sea cows.
But do you expect me to believe that
he would leave his sub with no captain?
I'm the captain.
You? Captain of a submarine?
I don't believe that.
-Because I'm too young?
-Because you're a girl.
Uh, you were a captain
not five minutes ago, love.
I am a woman.
- You're coming with us, brats.
- What about me?
Who are you again? Oh, never mind.
There's room in the brig for all of you.
I get to see a brig?
-Let's go, orphans.
-Sea monster!
-Wait, what?
-How dare you call me that.
Oh, man, running is super fun!
I'll show you a sea monster!
Take that!
Sorry, baby, but I can't let you get away
this time.
Lookee, Countie,
I caught a cakesniffer!
You see, Baudelaires, I have a family too,
only mine is better than yours
because they do everything
I tell them to do,
and they're alive.
-Darling...
-Not now, my pet.
-But darling, the sugar bowl--
-Yes, I know you want the sugar bowl!
I'm going to find it for you, I promise.
But darling!
They already have.
That's because this is scary.
You will dive deep
and retrieve that sugar bowl!
You hear me?
I'm sure they can hear you, dear.
You're very, very loud.
And I wouldn't try to escape.
You're at the bottom of the ocean
and there's not much air in those suits.
If you don't come back, you'll die,
and I don't want that, not yet.
Let's have one more round
of villainous laughter, on the house.
Ha-ha hostages!
Hee-hee-hee antagonism!
Cackle, cackle, cakesniffer!
The phrase "uncharted waters" refers
to locations that do not appear on a map,
but it can also describe
any place that is unknown.
From the darkest depths of the sea...
to one's own future,
which cannot be known until it arrives.
Widdershins, you old fool.
You always picked the wrong side.
-What do you think happened to him?
-He probably drowned.
-You think?
-Or got himself eaten by sharks.
No, that was me.
Classic Phil.
Boss... you know, most submarines
have more than one crew member.
So what? Most sailors
have more than no hands.
No, I meant, maybe I should search
for stowaways.
-That's not a bad idea, Hooky.
-Actually, my name is--
Search the Queequeg
from stern to other side.
If you find any volunteers
or soft pretzels,
bring them right to my mouth.
Aye aye, Captain.
I love soft pretzels!
S...
O...
S.
That's what I ought to send!
- I'm literally drowning in paperwork.
- Figuratively.
You're figuratively drowning in paperwork.
Yes, I meant to say literally.
It's all hands on deck here
at the Department of Orphan Affairs
since those mysterious fires
created all those orphans.
And if that weren't bad enough,
the orphans themselves have gone missing.
That's why I'm so glad
you've agreed to become my secretary.
I don't work for you, Mr. Poe.
I'm just here to use your telegraph.
Well, I wish you'd reconsider.
We offer partial-pay maternity leave.
Is that my boss? Is it my wife?
Is it the taxman?
I meant to pay him,
but I got so busy making money.
-It's for me.
-For you?
Technically,
it's a Volunteer Factual Dispatch,
which is a type of message
sent out to all the members
of a particular organization
to which I belong,
but I thought maybe
that was too confusing to explain.
Yes. Well...
We'll discuss receiving personal
correspondences in the office tomorrow.
Sugar bowl in G.G., stop.
Mission compromised, stop.
Come on! Come on!
Sending help.
It's me. How fast can you swim?
As Klaus had predicted
by studying the tidal charts,
the currents carried the Baudelaires
to the mouth of the Gorgonian Grotto.
I remember a time when Anwhistle Aquatics
was renowned as a marine research
and rhetorical advice center,
and as the aquatic base
of a secret organization.
The organization has waxed and waned
over the years,
and since the schism,
many volunteers have lost dear friends,
trusted associates, and beloved siblings.
Anwhistle Aquatics, of course,
burned down in a fire,
but the grotto beneath the lab remains
so that anyone who ventures inside
can see glimpses
of the organization's glorious history...
before it fell into darkness.
That must lead
to Anwhistle Aquatics.
And a way out.
Once we get the bowl,
-we'll be able to escape to the surface.
-Not without Fiona.
-Fiona can handle herself.
-We're not leaving her behind!
We can talk about it
once we find the sugar bowl.
That's scientific equipment.
V.F.D. must have been doing
experiments down here before the fire.
What kind of experiments?
Did you find something?
It's an old telegram.
A Volunteer Factual Dispatch.
That's V.F.D.
Please reconsider your project.
You're playing with fire.
Don't make me do the same."
It's signed "Fernald."
Who's Fernald?
And what project?
I don't know.
There's something sinister
about this place.
Something bad happened here.
It's not just the fire.
I'm sure my calculations were correct.
I double-checked them,
and Fiona triple-checked them.
Look at this. I think they were.
It looks like the sugar bowl was here.
Those footprints are recent.
-Hello?
-Is someone up there?
Violet? Klaus?
-Quigley?
-Quigley!
What are you doing here?
V.F.D. sent me. I got the sugar bowl!
I've learned so much! When you get
up here, I'll tell you everything.
Violet, stop!
It's the Medusoid Mycelium.
It's waxing!
-What's going on?
-Violet, you have to come down.
Violet!
Violet, hurry! It's spreading towards you!
Quigley, the mushrooms are dangerous!
They're spreading up the stairs!
You have to go!
No, not without you!
-We'll meet you at the Last Safe Place.
-No!
Count Olaf is expecting the sugar bowl.
Should Quigley throw it down?
No. Whatever's inside
is safer away from Count Olaf.
Shut the door!
Quigley, shut the door!
What do we tell Olaf
when we come back empty-handed?
If we don't go now,
we won't be alive to tell them.
Come on. If we hesitate, we're lost.
-I searched the sub.
-And?
I didn't find anyone, boss.
Well, thank you
for wasting everyone's time!
Take the prisoner to the Carmelita.
Oh, that must be the Baudelaires!
Oh! Oh!
I am so excited to get my hands
on that sugar bowl,
I could chew off someone's arm!
-I've still got two of ‘em!
-Come on! Show-off.
One of the most powerful elements
not found on standard periodic tables
is the element of surprise.
Sugar bowl safe.
Baudelaires in danger.
The element of surprise
is found where you least expect it.
But it is a dangerous element,
which is why I recommend limiting one's
scientific studies to the water cycle.
I hope Quigley will be all right.
I hope we'll be all right once
they discover we don't have the bowl.
The water cycle consists
of three key phenomena:
evaporation, precipitation,
and collection.
All of them are equally boring...
One second, Sunny.
...but so much less upsetting...
than the natural phenomena
the Baudelaires were about to behold.
Oh, no.
No! No, no, no!
No, no, no!
It'll be okay.
It'll be okay, Sunny.
Don't worry.
Hee-hee-ho-ho.