A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript
Like handshakes, house pets,
and raw carrots,
many things are preferable
when not slippery,
and the least preferable slippery thing
is a slope,
which is why I implore you to look away.
"It's a slippery slope" is an expression
which refers to the way
even small, seemingly harmless actions
can set you down a path
to something horribly wrong.
My name is Lemony Snicket,
and I am sorry to say that in the lives
of the Baudelaire orphans,
every path led
to something horribly wrong.
The Baudelaires chose
to make new friends at school,
which led to unhinged villainy,
unnecessary physical fitness,
a kidnapping.
Their attempt to rescue their friends
led to more villainy,
a long fall in the dark...
...and something fishy,
which, when investigated,
led to the death of a noble sibling,
false charges of murder,
and a life on the lam,
which led to more things
too horrible to mention,
such as underage driving,
hot air balloon mishaps,
medically suspect surgery,
a career in the circus,
astonishing revelations
about a secret organization
and a possible survivor of the fire
that destroyed their home,
lions...
...and finally...
a runaway caravan
plummeting down a mountain,
for, as Klaus and Violet Baudelaire
had discovered...
...a slippery slope can also be literal.
What just happened?
We didn't die!
Not yet!
How do we stop this caravan?
We have to invent
some sort of a braking system!
Violet, now would be a great time
for an idea.
Violet, hurry! We're running out of road!
Search the caravan for anything
long enough to reach the wheel.
How's this?
Perfect. Now use it to jam the wheel.
I'm gonna tie these together
and create a drag chute.
Make it fast!
This road won't stay straight forever.
I think I've got it.
I just need to apply more friction.
How's it going?
Not great.
That's okay.
You bought me time to make this.
Try not to think about falling.
But it's impossible
to think about anything else.
We're alive.
We're alive, but we're not okay.
Count Olaf still has Sunny,
and we have to get her back.
She must be so scared.
Sunny's tough. She might look like
a helpless toddler, but she's a fighter.
And a biter.
-Can you remember anything from the map?
-I didn't look at it for long,
but this is the only road
through the mountains.
If we follow it,
it should lead us to Count Olaf.
-And Sunny.
- And Sunny.
It's our fault she's gone.
Count Olaf needs one of us alive
to get our fortune.
As long as he thinks we're dead,
Sunny is safe.
She won't be safe
until we're together again.
Then we'd better keep walking.
Ow! Oh, this baby keeps biting me!
Put her in the glove compartment.
Do you smell that, Esmé?
That's the fresh mountain scent
-of T-R-Y-M-F!
-What, darling?
-Triumph!
-I'm not sure that's the way you spell--
For years,
or at least what seemed like years,
I have pursued the Baudelaire fortune
via a wide variety of brilliant,
only partially successful schemes.
But now, finally, I'm on the right path!
-That way.
-Aargh!
Now I'm finally on the right path.
Two out of three Baudelaire orphans
have tumbled off a cliff
and been smashed flat.
Ugh! Flat.
We are en roo-tay
to the secret V.F.D. headquarters
to destroy our enemies once and for all,
including whichever Baudelaire parent
survived the fire.
-Probably the mom.
-Women are more resilient.
And best of all, the Baudelaire fortune
is in my hands,
or at least this infant is.
I haven't felt this sharp and focused
since I first smelled kerosene.
My only regret
is that I wasn't able to hear the splat,
or whatever sound a caravan makes
when it falls off a cliff
and squashes rich kids.
- That's your only regret?
- What about your tattoos?
Everyone regrets their tattoos.
- We regret ours.
- Not me.
I don't think we can be sure
that Violet and Klaus are dead.
They've gotten themselves
out of a number of dangerous situations.
In a way, one can't help but admire them.
One can too help but admire them,
and I am sure they're dead!
They fell off a cliff.
Please! This isn't
some overexaggerated melodrama.
Allow me
to offer a word of caution:
If you happen to find yourself
on a slippery slope, watch your step.
When you're on top of something,
such as a moral threshold or a mountain...
I'm on top of the mountain!
...there's nowhere to go but down.
This advice was given to me
by one of the bravest women
I've ever known,
a woman who, at that very moment,
was running for her life
toward the edge of a cliff.
Fortunately, like all women,
my sister was an expert
at doing the impossible.
Come now, there's nowhere to run.
-Except off a cliff.
-Which we plan to throw you off anyway.
But perhaps this doesn't have to end
in violence.
Give us the sugar bowl and you can go.
Cross our hearts.
And hope to die.
What do you say, Snicket?
I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Should we follow her?
We'll send the eagles.
They're probably starving.
Oh, you're a trooper, kiddo.
I didn't have my first hang gliding lesson
till I was seven.
But we're not out of the woods yet.
I'm on top of the world, Esmé.
Literally and figuratively at my peak.
Technically, it's more of a plateau.
This doesn't
look like V.F.D. headquarters.
We must've made a wrong turn at that fork.
Somebody read the map wrong.
It's not my fault, darling,
you know I hate to read.
And besides, you said
you'd been there before.
I was blindfolded.
Stupid secret organizations
and their stupid secrecy.
This baby doesn't stop complaining,
no matter how many times I pinch her.
-Do you see?
-If the surviving parent
is hiding in V.F.D. headquarters,
then burning it down
will solve all of our problems.
You'll never stop us,
if that's what you mean.
That is what she means.
We'll camp here for the night
and burn it down in the morning.
It's important to be well-rested
before committing arson.
We will surprise those volunteers
in the middle of coffee, or tea,
or whatever it is
pretentious people drink.
Pitch the tents!
Oh, and you should probably get
those freaks out of the trunk.
There's no paper.
Get out, freaks!
It's about time!
We could barely breathe in there.
Precious snowflake
wants to breathe.
These icy winds are making
my hopelessly contorted body shiver.
Oh, my equally strong hands
are equally in need of some mittens.
Yeah, well, your equally strong hands
can go and chop us some wood.
At least we'll have a nice, warm fire.
Oh, no, you won't.
You freaks can't stay in our campsite.
You think I had a nice warm tent
my first night in Count Olaf's troupe?
I had to sleep in the trunk.
We did sleep in the trunk.
Go chop wood, freak.
I thought working for Count Olaf
would be glamorous and fun,
but in my short time in his employ,
I have aided in kidnapping and murder,
I have spent a bumpy ride
in the trunk of a car,
and I have had my self-worth degraded,
undoing years of therapy.
I'm beginning to question my life choices.
And frankly, so should you!
Aw, precious snowflake
wants to question his life choices.
Not like us!
Not like us! Not like us!
- Not like us!
- Stop standing around.
Freaks.
It's a crossroads.
Technically, it's more of a fork.
I meant figuratively.
We have to decide which direction to go.
This road leads
to the Valley of Four Drafts.
That's where the map said
the headquarters were hidden.
That means V.F.D. is that way.
Look at this bottle. There's some
liquid in it that isn't frozen,
which means it was recently thrown by
a person who doesn't care about littering.
Count Olaf went this way.
If we go to the headquarters, we can find
V.F.D. They can help save Sunny.
We can't wait that long.
Sunny's in danger right now!
If one of our parents is alive up there,
they can fix this.
If one of our parents is alive,
do you want to face them without Sunny?
No.
I think we should go this way.
I think we should go this way.
Do you hear something?
-Oh, no.
-What are those?
Snow gnats. I read about them
in an obscure book.
-What did you read?
-They're ill-tempered and well organized.
-Anything else?
-Yeah, they sting.
We should go that way.
I agree.
-Ow!
-Ow!
Ow!
-What stops them?
-Smoke.
Smoke? How are we supposed to get smoke
out here?
I don't know!
Ow!
Look over there!
The snow gnats stopped.
There must be something inside
that scares them.
Let's hope
it's not a hibernating animal.
Oh, no.
Hello, cakesniffers.
It's called a catchphrase,
a word which here means "a catchy phrase,"
and it is one of the most important tools
in any pre-former's repertoire.
Wow, it's really nice
that you're taking time
out of your busy schedule
of plotting arson
to give us an acting lesson, boss.
I'm not just your boss.
Please, I want you to think of me
as your mentor.
Besides, I'm about to get
everything I've ever wanted in life,
so I'm feeling generous.
A catchphrase
should be cool and snappy,
and you should be able to use it
in any situation at all, like, um...
"It's my way or the freeway."
Or, "Give me those earrings, Rachel."
And...
it should be rooted...
in the truth,
which is why, when I perform,
I ignore the script
and say whatever comes into my mind.
Pajama bottoms. Absinthe. Nickelback.
Let's try this right now.
When I point at you, say the first thing
that pops into your head.
-I'm in love with you.
-Not bad.
-I'm in love with you more.
-Now, that's catchy.
-I'm in love with your girlfriend.
-Eww.
Is a personal philosophy
of moral relativism
the only way to survive
in an ethically complex world,
or is it an excuse we use
to justify doing bad things?
Could use a polish.
I'm in love with--
Look what I found, darling!
A pack of strange, green cigarettes
just lying in the snow,
as if someone dropped them
whilst running for their life.
Smoking is very, very bad for you.
I was mentoring
-the henchpeople, pet.
-Oh.
Hooky was about to tell me
his catchphrase.
-Hey, the baby's gone.
-That's a terrible catchphrase.
Hey, the baby's gone.
What?
Thought you could get away, did you?
Well, you should know by now,
-it's my way or the freeway.
-Roadway.
Look around, you saber-toothed papoose.
There's nowhere to run.
You would never survive
in the mountains by yourself.
You've always had your irritating siblings
to look after you.
Well, not anymore.
So if you want to survive,
I'd be a little less irritating.
-Like that girl from Prufrock Prep.
-What girl?
Oh, it was before your time, dearest.
I don't care. I'll scratch her eyes out.
What? It was a little girl.
Short, adorable, with the pretty brooch
and the brass knuckles.
What was her name again?
Carmelita Spats.
Go away, cakesniffers!
This is a private cave!
Carmelita, who are you talking to?
They're in our cave,
so obviously they're cakesniffers.
Wait.
You're those orphans from Prufrock Prep
who lost your home in a fire
and then Vice Princie expelled you.
-We've never been to Prufrock Prep.
-He did not expel us.
- I knew it. You're the Baudelaires!
- I hope not!
I read about those terrible children
in The Daily Punctilio.
It said they are murderers and arsonists.
They started that enormous fire that's
still raging across the hinterlands.
-Well, we're not them. We're...
-Mountain climbers.
...mountain climbers.
We're looking for our sister.
She's about this tall,
she has a good set of teeth,
and she's traveling with a bunch
of dangerous-looking people.
Have you seen her?
We haven't seen anyone. We've been
in this cave hiding from gnats,
but we have a map of the mountains
you can consult.
No! No!
Scoutmaster Brucie,
this cave is for Snow Scouts only,
and they're obviously the Baudelaires!
Look at their little orphan faces!
Now, Carmelita.
Snow Scouts should be accommodating.
It's the first word of our pledge.
You're Snow Scouts?
Troupe 113 is the most exclusive
Snow Scout troupe in the city.
Only non-cakesniffers with rich,
living parents are allowed to join.
Isn't that right, Brucie?
I have to carry their luggage.
It's designer.
You should carry your own luggage,
Carmelita,
and you should join us by the fire.
We have extra parkas and snow suits
if you're cold.
And extra masks.
Why would we want masks?
If you're outside,
they keep the snow gnats away.
And when you're inside,
they make a Very Furtive Disguise.
It has been difficult for me
to investigate Sunny Baudelaire's time
as Count Olaf's prisoner.
A few witnesses have died, disappeared,
or been carried off by eagles.
Oh, oh, oh! Oopsie!
There is a story that describes
more or less the same situation,
and that is the story of Cinderella.
Maybe she can give us some tips.
Cinderella was a young person
who was placed in the care
of various wicked people
who teased her
and made her do all of their chores.
Look at that useless baby.
It doesn't even know how to get water
from a frozen pond.
Look at her carrying a pail!
She was rescued by a fairy godmother
who magically created a special outfit
so Cinderella could go to a ball
and marry a prince.
If you would like the story
of Sunny Baudelaire,
simply take the story of Cinderella
and eliminate the fairy godmother,
the special outfit, the ball,
the prince, the marriage,
the seasonal gourd
that becomes a carriage,
and the ending
where they live happily ever after.
There you are, baby.
I, uh...
I made you this outfit.
I know it's nothing special, but...
it's warmer than those rags.
Count Olaf would be furious
if you froze to death
before he could get your fortune, so...
What are you doing?
You've got, uh...
You've got cinders on your face.
Chabo.
Yay!
Don't give me that look.
And then Cinderella told Prince Charming
that she's got an even more beautiful
sister whose name is Carmelita,
so he married her instead.
And then she divorced him
and took all of his money. The end!
Now, this is the story
of Sleeping Beauty's
even more adorable younger sister--
Carmelita, you've told
nine stories already.
Maybe somebody else would like a turn.
I bet mountain climbers
have interesting stories.
Yeah.
Has anything really terrible
happened to you?
We'd rather not share.
You should be more accommodating.
After all...
Snow Scouts are accommodating,
basic, calm, darling, emblematic,
frisky, grinning, human,
innocent, jumping,
kept, limited, meek, naploving, official,
pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled,
tidy, understandable,
victorious, wholesome,
xylophone, young, and zippered.
Every morning, every afternoon,
every night, and all day long!
That... That can't
honestly be your pledge.
How can anyone be "xylophone"?
It's not an adjective.
You can't change the words
of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.
The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that
we do the same thing over and over!
We wear the same parkas,
we recite the same pledge,
and every year, we celebrate False Spring
at the top of Mount Fraught.
And we always make Brucie
carry our luggage.
What's False Spring?
Anybody who's not a cakesniffer
knows that False Spring
is when the weather gets unusually warm
before it gets cold again.
We celebrate with a dance
around a special pole,
and then I get chosen False Spring Queen!
-It doesn't have to be you.
-Yes, it does!
Because I'm the most accommodating,
basic, calm--
Are you sure you two don't have a story?
I'd love to hear a Very Fascinating Drama.
We know all sorts of stories.
Stories about Vastly Frightening Danger.
And Vain Fashionable Divas.
Have you read the story of Anna Karenina?
Our mother read it to us.
We were very young, so she'd stop
to explain all the words and themes.
Boring!
Anna Karenina is a classic
of Russian literature!
That's another word for boring,
-and so are stories about dead parents.
-Carmelita has a point.
Anyhow, it's late, and I feel sick
from eating so many marshmallows.
So, everyone, get in your sleeping bags.
You should stay the night here, travelers.
We have some extra horse blankets
you can sleep on.
You cakesniffers
should sleep far away from us.
Those blankets smell like nail polish.
That's because you spilled nail polish
all over them.
Good night, travelers.
The fire should die out in a few hours.
Some things are easier to find
in the dark.
Such as?
Missing persons.
Who are you?
Cakesniffers whispering in a cave.
Is there anything less adorable?
Come on. We don't socialize with orphans.
-Do you think we can trust him?
-He must be with V.F.D.
But why is he disguised as a Snow Scout?
And why did he bring up Anna Karenina?
And why is he the only one wearing a mask?
We'll find out when the fire dies.
He was right about one thing.
It'll be easier to find Sunny when
it's dark and when Count Olaf is asleep.
-Violet...
-Yeah?
If one of our parents is alive,
which one do you think it is?
There's no way to know.
I keep wondering anyway.
Me, too.
This is probably a test. If we prove
to Count Olaf we can survive a night
in this dark, freezing,
probably haunted wood,
when we go back in the morning,
he'll be so impressed,
he'll welcome us with open arms and say
all the nice things my dad never did.
We don't have to go back at all.
I've got some money saved up
from the carnival.
We could buy a patch of farm
and live off the land.
-What kind of crops would we grow?
-We could grow anything.
It would be helpful
to visualize something specific.
Could we grow rutabagas?
We could grow literally anything!
So sure, rutabagas.
-I don't like rutabagas.
-Forget about the rutabagas!
The point is, we still have time
to turn our lives around.
And if we're on our own,
there won't be anyone to call us freaks.
Not Count Olaf, not his troupe,
not even your dad.
Madame Lulu always said,
"You deserve better."
The Madame Lulu who got eaten by lions,
or the one who drove off in a taxi?
I wonder whatever happened to her.
Howdy, stranger.
Hugo? Colette? Kevin?
How does a stranger know our names?
Listen to me, there are dangerous people
on this mountain.
We know. We carpooled.
You have to leave now, before--
I'll lead them away.
Wait! Do you know how to light a fire?
- Thank you.
- You deserve better.
What a nut job.
Yeah, she acted like she knew us.
That was weird.
Should she really be running around
the woods at night when she's pregnant?
-I say she's the real freak, not us!
-Not like us!
Not like us! Not like us!
Ooh, anyone else feel that chill?
Oh, hello.
Nice night for it.
Who are you?
I wouldn't worry
about boring questions like that.
-Lovely spot, isn't it?
-Secluded.
-A warm fire.
-Yes, this will do nicely.
You should leave. There are
dangerous people on this mountain.
Yeah, us. We're dangerous criminals
in Count Olaf's troupe.
You're here with little Olaf?
He's just up on that summit.
All we need to do is scream
and he'll come running.
-That's a charming theory.
-Let's put it to the test.
Probably weasels.
Those weren't weasels.
Come on, Snicket. All you've got to do
is get off this mountain,
evade your enemies and their eagles,
and safe-guard the sugar bowl.
The sugar bowl.
Shh!
I had to wait until the fire died down
so I could show you.
The Vertical Flame Diversion?
It's not just a chimney,
it's a secret passageway.
-How did you know it was here?
-I've read about it in a book
called The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.
- We know that book. But how do--
- What are you doing?
Give me those earrings, Rachel.
Ugh!
We don't know who you are.
How do we know we can trust you?
"Xenial" is an adjective
that begins with X.
It means being welcoming to strangers.
Having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee
that I'm a good person,
but it does mean I've read a lot,
and in my experience, well-read people
are less likely to be evil.
I only watch network television.
You could take your mask off now.
They're asleep.
But there are enemies everywhere.
Follow me.
Cake!
Perhaps when you were young,
someone sang a certain song to you
to lull you to sleep,
or to entertain you on a long car trip,
or in order to teach you a secret code.
The song is "The Itsy Bitsy Spider,"
and it is one of the saddest songs
ever composed.
It tells the story of a small spider
who is trying to climb a water spout,
only to be washed away again and again,
until it seems that he will never
reach his destination.
As the Baudelaires climbed the seemingly
endless Vertical Flame Diversion...
...they could not help feeling
like that poor spider.
Spider!
A pony party for me?
And when Klaus stuck his hand
into a foothold
serving as a spider condominium,
he felt more like the spout.
We're close.
What do you think
we'll find up there?
I know what I hope we'll find.
I thought I tied you up.
What do you think you're doing?
Hurry up with it.
Wake up, everybody!
We have a big day ahead of us.
I'm going to need a little while
to figure out what to wear.
It's not "in" to burn down
a secret headquarters
without wearing a fashionable outfit.
Well, tick-tock.
The baby's making breakfast.
We'll have the henchpeople set the table.
Oh, it's actually very "in"
to dine alfresco.
You're thinking of Al Funcoot.
Believe me, I'm not.
Someone bring me some coffee!
Or a brandy sidecar.
You heard the lady. Breakfast!
I think we can do better than that.
The ice is pretty thin.
False Spring must be coming.
We're right at the source
of Stricken Stream, so...
there should be...
Ah! Salmon galore!
Yeah, here.
Oh, here you go. There you go.
You ever go ice-fishing?
My stepdad used to take me.
Oh, no, we just don't
see each other anymore.
He didn't approve
of some of my life choices.
It's tough losing family.
You know, it wasn't my idea
to plunge your siblings to their deaths.
Well, every career path has its drawbacks.
Oftentimes, if you want to do theater,
you end up in a life of crime instead.
Oh, God, you sound just like my stepdad.
I'm starving!
Look, don't tell anybody I said this...
but I'll be glad if one of your parents
if still alive.
I'm starving!
Get moving, brat.
Not too long ago
in the city of Stockholm,
a group of bank robbers
took a few prisoners
during the course of their work.
And this vault is where we keep
all the fortunes,
although I can't imagine you having
any interest in seeing big piles of money.
I keep the combination to the vault
on the desk.
It's taped to the three-hole punch.
Now, this--
For several days,
the bank robbers and prisoners
lived together in close proximity,
a word which here means
"while the police gathered outside
and eventually managed
to take the robbers to jail."
Do you have any nines?
Go fish.
Isn't this fun?!
Freeze!
Freeze!
- Everybody freeze!
- Stop!
When the prisoners were finally freed,
however, the authorities discovered
that they had become friends
with the bank robbers.
Keep in touch!
Since that time,
the expression "Stockholm Syndrome"
has been used to describe a situation
in which prisoners
grow fond of their captors.
But there is also
an expression to describe
when captors grow fond of their prisoners.
And that expression has become known
as "Mount Fraught Syndrome."
Hey!
Look what the baby made.
Sorbet, sashimi, and toast tartare.
I had my doubts about putting a baby
in charge of the cooking...
But this is delicious.
It's a shame we're constantly
exploiting and threatening her
when we could be nurturing her talents
for the collective good.
What is this? I wanted orange juice.
This is just orange ice!
This toast is raw.
Is it safe to eat raw toast?
Of course it isn't.
That baby's trying to poison us!
I wanted a nice, hot breakfast,
and instead, you brought me
this cold, disgusting nonsense.
Maybe if I throw you off Mount Fraught,
you'll learn your lesson.
I'm kidding.
I'd never throw you off a mountain.
I need you to get your fortune.
I just wanted to scare you.
An aura of menace
is a distinct feeling of evil
that accompanies
the arrival of certain people.
Having an aura of menace
is like having a pet weasel
because you rarely meet
someone who has one,
and when you do, it makes you
want to hide under your desk.
But there are some people that have
such a deep and lasting aura of menace
that I cannot bring myself
to say their names,
even after so many years,
and will instead refer to them
the way almost everyone does,
as the man with the beard and no hair,
and the woman with hair but no beard,
although the very sight of them
might make you scream other names.
Mommy! Daddy!
Show some respect, Olaf.
Is that any way to greet the people
who raised you?
Boss, are these your parents?
Only figuratively. They were my mentors.
Yes. We played a crucial role
in your education, didn't we, Olaf?
Taught you how to set fires.
A few ants, a magnifying glass.
You were lost before we recruited you.
-You needed a push.
-A good, hard shove.
Tell us, what have you been doing
with your life?
Well...
I am an actor.
I've been glowingly mentioned
in reviews in several small magazines.
This is my troupe.
There are several carnival freaks
running around somewhere.
Not anymore.
Oh, oh, oh! This is my girlfriend.
Yes! I have a girlfriend.
Good morning.
-I'm Esmé Gigi--
-We know who you are.
You moved into the penthouse
at 667 Dark Avenue.
How did that work out?
Jerome and I are having
a trial separation.
We meant with the Quagmires.
Quagmire. Oh, uh... It's been so long.
I honestly can't remember.
-Allow us to remind you.
-You lost those triplets.
Twins, actually.
After we went to all that trouble
to restrain their parents in Peru.
You heard about the Quagmires?
Oh, we've heard about
all your little mishaps, Olaf.
How you've been foiled
by those irritating volunteers.
And those three plucky children.
Time and again.
What do you have to say for yourself?
It wasn't my fault!
It was theirs!
I am surrounded
by incompetence and disloyalty!
Hey, that's not fair.
It's more than fair. It's totally true!
I would be burning down
V.F.D. headquarters right now
if these idiots hadn't insisted upon
waiting for breakfast first!
Oh, Olaf.
I wouldn't worry about the headquarters.
This looks like the tunnel we found
under our house.
V.F.D. built these passageways everywhere.
An underground organization
needs a way to travel underground.
According to the The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations,
-the headquarters is behind that door.
-That's an impressive lock.
-How does it open?
-It's called a Vernacularly Fastened Door.
It opens with language.
The keyboard is wired to the
hinges. You have to type a phrase.
Three phrases, and if you get them wrong,
it locks forever.
The first phrase
is the name of the scientist
most widely credited
with the discovery of gravity.
That's easy. Sir Isaac Newton.
What's next?
The Latin name of the lions
found in the Hinterlands.
- Panthero Leo.
- V.F.D. used to train them
before the schism.
What's the last phrase?
The third phrase is the central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina,
but I've never read it.
That's why you asked about it earlier.
You needed somebody
to help you open the door.
There are people I'm looking for.
-People I've lost.
-Us too.
-Our mother.
-Our father.
Sunny.
We can find them, but only
if you can tell me the central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina.
The central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina...
Is that a rural life
of moral simplicity...
Is the preferable personal narrative
to a daring life of impulsive passion...
Which only leads to tragedy.
Our mother had us memorize it.
It's like she was preparing us
for this moment.
We won't let her down.
Why isn't it opening?
It sounded like it was working
till the last word.
Maybe the mechanism is stuck.
Or maybe a daring life of impulsive
passion leads to something else.
A daring life of impulsive passion
can lead to many things.
It can lead to a brave
and remarkable woman
mourning a terrible loss
on the bank of a frozen stream.
I've lost the sugar bowl.
I lost everything.
It can lead to a banker
making a surprising
and out of character return.
Excuse me, miss.
I've lost my map,
and I have no idea where I am.
You shouldn't be here.
This mountain is dangerous.
Well, so is the city.
I just experienced a bank robbery,
and Mr. Tamerlane
seems to think it was my fault,
so I decided it best to get out of town
as fast as I could
and search for some orphans
I seem to have misplaced.
That's funny.
I just had the oddest feeling,
like a daring, impulsive passion...
that someone nearby was in trouble.
You haven't seen anyone in trouble,
have you, miss?
A woman in your condition
shouldn't be out here all alone.
No...
No, she shouldn't.
Let me help you.
Thanks.
In my own case,
a daring life of impulsive passion
has led to false accusations...
...and a life on the run.
But in the case of Anna Karenina,
a daring life of impulsive passion
leads only to tragedy.
And Violet was right.
The mechanism was stuck.
We could walk in on the entire
organization having a meeting.
Or one of our parents.
- Mother?
- Father!
-Mother?
-Father!
You don't have to worry
about the headquarters...
Because we burned them down ourselves.
First, we burned down the kitchen.
No!
Then we burned down the parlor,
then the disguise room, the ballroom,
and all six inventing labs.
We burned down the classrooms,
and the movie theater, and the hot tub,
which was very hard to burn.
And finally, we burned down the library.
That was my favorite part.
Books, and books, and books...
All turned to ash,
so no one can read them.
So many secrets...
No one will ever learn now.
It's all gone up in smoke.
No!
No!
-Well, well.
-Who do we have here?
Oh, you are going to love this.
It's all gone.
This is where everything has led us.
The maps, the codes...
The Snicket file.
One of our parents has to be here!
Jacques Snicket said
there was a survivor of the fire.
There is.
-Where?
-Here.
I survived the fire
that destroyed my home.
Duncan?
Quigley.
Quigley Quagmire.
and raw carrots,
many things are preferable
when not slippery,
and the least preferable slippery thing
is a slope,
which is why I implore you to look away.
"It's a slippery slope" is an expression
which refers to the way
even small, seemingly harmless actions
can set you down a path
to something horribly wrong.
My name is Lemony Snicket,
and I am sorry to say that in the lives
of the Baudelaire orphans,
every path led
to something horribly wrong.
The Baudelaires chose
to make new friends at school,
which led to unhinged villainy,
unnecessary physical fitness,
a kidnapping.
Their attempt to rescue their friends
led to more villainy,
a long fall in the dark...
...and something fishy,
which, when investigated,
led to the death of a noble sibling,
false charges of murder,
and a life on the lam,
which led to more things
too horrible to mention,
such as underage driving,
hot air balloon mishaps,
medically suspect surgery,
a career in the circus,
astonishing revelations
about a secret organization
and a possible survivor of the fire
that destroyed their home,
lions...
...and finally...
a runaway caravan
plummeting down a mountain,
for, as Klaus and Violet Baudelaire
had discovered...
...a slippery slope can also be literal.
What just happened?
We didn't die!
Not yet!
How do we stop this caravan?
We have to invent
some sort of a braking system!
Violet, now would be a great time
for an idea.
Violet, hurry! We're running out of road!
Search the caravan for anything
long enough to reach the wheel.
How's this?
Perfect. Now use it to jam the wheel.
I'm gonna tie these together
and create a drag chute.
Make it fast!
This road won't stay straight forever.
I think I've got it.
I just need to apply more friction.
How's it going?
Not great.
That's okay.
You bought me time to make this.
Try not to think about falling.
But it's impossible
to think about anything else.
We're alive.
We're alive, but we're not okay.
Count Olaf still has Sunny,
and we have to get her back.
She must be so scared.
Sunny's tough. She might look like
a helpless toddler, but she's a fighter.
And a biter.
-Can you remember anything from the map?
-I didn't look at it for long,
but this is the only road
through the mountains.
If we follow it,
it should lead us to Count Olaf.
-And Sunny.
- And Sunny.
It's our fault she's gone.
Count Olaf needs one of us alive
to get our fortune.
As long as he thinks we're dead,
Sunny is safe.
She won't be safe
until we're together again.
Then we'd better keep walking.
Ow! Oh, this baby keeps biting me!
Put her in the glove compartment.
Do you smell that, Esmé?
That's the fresh mountain scent
-of T-R-Y-M-F!
-What, darling?
-Triumph!
-I'm not sure that's the way you spell--
For years,
or at least what seemed like years,
I have pursued the Baudelaire fortune
via a wide variety of brilliant,
only partially successful schemes.
But now, finally, I'm on the right path!
-That way.
-Aargh!
Now I'm finally on the right path.
Two out of three Baudelaire orphans
have tumbled off a cliff
and been smashed flat.
Ugh! Flat.
We are en roo-tay
to the secret V.F.D. headquarters
to destroy our enemies once and for all,
including whichever Baudelaire parent
survived the fire.
-Probably the mom.
-Women are more resilient.
And best of all, the Baudelaire fortune
is in my hands,
or at least this infant is.
I haven't felt this sharp and focused
since I first smelled kerosene.
My only regret
is that I wasn't able to hear the splat,
or whatever sound a caravan makes
when it falls off a cliff
and squashes rich kids.
- That's your only regret?
- What about your tattoos?
Everyone regrets their tattoos.
- We regret ours.
- Not me.
I don't think we can be sure
that Violet and Klaus are dead.
They've gotten themselves
out of a number of dangerous situations.
In a way, one can't help but admire them.
One can too help but admire them,
and I am sure they're dead!
They fell off a cliff.
Please! This isn't
some overexaggerated melodrama.
Allow me
to offer a word of caution:
If you happen to find yourself
on a slippery slope, watch your step.
When you're on top of something,
such as a moral threshold or a mountain...
I'm on top of the mountain!
...there's nowhere to go but down.
This advice was given to me
by one of the bravest women
I've ever known,
a woman who, at that very moment,
was running for her life
toward the edge of a cliff.
Fortunately, like all women,
my sister was an expert
at doing the impossible.
Come now, there's nowhere to run.
-Except off a cliff.
-Which we plan to throw you off anyway.
But perhaps this doesn't have to end
in violence.
Give us the sugar bowl and you can go.
Cross our hearts.
And hope to die.
What do you say, Snicket?
I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Should we follow her?
We'll send the eagles.
They're probably starving.
Oh, you're a trooper, kiddo.
I didn't have my first hang gliding lesson
till I was seven.
But we're not out of the woods yet.
I'm on top of the world, Esmé.
Literally and figuratively at my peak.
Technically, it's more of a plateau.
This doesn't
look like V.F.D. headquarters.
We must've made a wrong turn at that fork.
Somebody read the map wrong.
It's not my fault, darling,
you know I hate to read.
And besides, you said
you'd been there before.
I was blindfolded.
Stupid secret organizations
and their stupid secrecy.
This baby doesn't stop complaining,
no matter how many times I pinch her.
-Do you see?
-If the surviving parent
is hiding in V.F.D. headquarters,
then burning it down
will solve all of our problems.
You'll never stop us,
if that's what you mean.
That is what she means.
We'll camp here for the night
and burn it down in the morning.
It's important to be well-rested
before committing arson.
We will surprise those volunteers
in the middle of coffee, or tea,
or whatever it is
pretentious people drink.
Pitch the tents!
Oh, and you should probably get
those freaks out of the trunk.
There's no paper.
Get out, freaks!
It's about time!
We could barely breathe in there.
Precious snowflake
wants to breathe.
These icy winds are making
my hopelessly contorted body shiver.
Oh, my equally strong hands
are equally in need of some mittens.
Yeah, well, your equally strong hands
can go and chop us some wood.
At least we'll have a nice, warm fire.
Oh, no, you won't.
You freaks can't stay in our campsite.
You think I had a nice warm tent
my first night in Count Olaf's troupe?
I had to sleep in the trunk.
We did sleep in the trunk.
Go chop wood, freak.
I thought working for Count Olaf
would be glamorous and fun,
but in my short time in his employ,
I have aided in kidnapping and murder,
I have spent a bumpy ride
in the trunk of a car,
and I have had my self-worth degraded,
undoing years of therapy.
I'm beginning to question my life choices.
And frankly, so should you!
Aw, precious snowflake
wants to question his life choices.
Not like us!
Not like us! Not like us!
- Not like us!
- Stop standing around.
Freaks.
It's a crossroads.
Technically, it's more of a fork.
I meant figuratively.
We have to decide which direction to go.
This road leads
to the Valley of Four Drafts.
That's where the map said
the headquarters were hidden.
That means V.F.D. is that way.
Look at this bottle. There's some
liquid in it that isn't frozen,
which means it was recently thrown by
a person who doesn't care about littering.
Count Olaf went this way.
If we go to the headquarters, we can find
V.F.D. They can help save Sunny.
We can't wait that long.
Sunny's in danger right now!
If one of our parents is alive up there,
they can fix this.
If one of our parents is alive,
do you want to face them without Sunny?
No.
I think we should go this way.
I think we should go this way.
Do you hear something?
-Oh, no.
-What are those?
Snow gnats. I read about them
in an obscure book.
-What did you read?
-They're ill-tempered and well organized.
-Anything else?
-Yeah, they sting.
We should go that way.
I agree.
-Ow!
-Ow!
Ow!
-What stops them?
-Smoke.
Smoke? How are we supposed to get smoke
out here?
I don't know!
Ow!
Look over there!
The snow gnats stopped.
There must be something inside
that scares them.
Let's hope
it's not a hibernating animal.
Oh, no.
Hello, cakesniffers.
It's called a catchphrase,
a word which here means "a catchy phrase,"
and it is one of the most important tools
in any pre-former's repertoire.
Wow, it's really nice
that you're taking time
out of your busy schedule
of plotting arson
to give us an acting lesson, boss.
I'm not just your boss.
Please, I want you to think of me
as your mentor.
Besides, I'm about to get
everything I've ever wanted in life,
so I'm feeling generous.
A catchphrase
should be cool and snappy,
and you should be able to use it
in any situation at all, like, um...
"It's my way or the freeway."
Or, "Give me those earrings, Rachel."
And...
it should be rooted...
in the truth,
which is why, when I perform,
I ignore the script
and say whatever comes into my mind.
Pajama bottoms. Absinthe. Nickelback.
Let's try this right now.
When I point at you, say the first thing
that pops into your head.
-I'm in love with you.
-Not bad.
-I'm in love with you more.
-Now, that's catchy.
-I'm in love with your girlfriend.
-Eww.
Is a personal philosophy
of moral relativism
the only way to survive
in an ethically complex world,
or is it an excuse we use
to justify doing bad things?
Could use a polish.
I'm in love with--
Look what I found, darling!
A pack of strange, green cigarettes
just lying in the snow,
as if someone dropped them
whilst running for their life.
Smoking is very, very bad for you.
I was mentoring
-the henchpeople, pet.
-Oh.
Hooky was about to tell me
his catchphrase.
-Hey, the baby's gone.
-That's a terrible catchphrase.
Hey, the baby's gone.
What?
Thought you could get away, did you?
Well, you should know by now,
-it's my way or the freeway.
-Roadway.
Look around, you saber-toothed papoose.
There's nowhere to run.
You would never survive
in the mountains by yourself.
You've always had your irritating siblings
to look after you.
Well, not anymore.
So if you want to survive,
I'd be a little less irritating.
-Like that girl from Prufrock Prep.
-What girl?
Oh, it was before your time, dearest.
I don't care. I'll scratch her eyes out.
What? It was a little girl.
Short, adorable, with the pretty brooch
and the brass knuckles.
What was her name again?
Carmelita Spats.
Go away, cakesniffers!
This is a private cave!
Carmelita, who are you talking to?
They're in our cave,
so obviously they're cakesniffers.
Wait.
You're those orphans from Prufrock Prep
who lost your home in a fire
and then Vice Princie expelled you.
-We've never been to Prufrock Prep.
-He did not expel us.
- I knew it. You're the Baudelaires!
- I hope not!
I read about those terrible children
in The Daily Punctilio.
It said they are murderers and arsonists.
They started that enormous fire that's
still raging across the hinterlands.
-Well, we're not them. We're...
-Mountain climbers.
...mountain climbers.
We're looking for our sister.
She's about this tall,
she has a good set of teeth,
and she's traveling with a bunch
of dangerous-looking people.
Have you seen her?
We haven't seen anyone. We've been
in this cave hiding from gnats,
but we have a map of the mountains
you can consult.
No! No!
Scoutmaster Brucie,
this cave is for Snow Scouts only,
and they're obviously the Baudelaires!
Look at their little orphan faces!
Now, Carmelita.
Snow Scouts should be accommodating.
It's the first word of our pledge.
You're Snow Scouts?
Troupe 113 is the most exclusive
Snow Scout troupe in the city.
Only non-cakesniffers with rich,
living parents are allowed to join.
Isn't that right, Brucie?
I have to carry their luggage.
It's designer.
You should carry your own luggage,
Carmelita,
and you should join us by the fire.
We have extra parkas and snow suits
if you're cold.
And extra masks.
Why would we want masks?
If you're outside,
they keep the snow gnats away.
And when you're inside,
they make a Very Furtive Disguise.
It has been difficult for me
to investigate Sunny Baudelaire's time
as Count Olaf's prisoner.
A few witnesses have died, disappeared,
or been carried off by eagles.
Oh, oh, oh! Oopsie!
There is a story that describes
more or less the same situation,
and that is the story of Cinderella.
Maybe she can give us some tips.
Cinderella was a young person
who was placed in the care
of various wicked people
who teased her
and made her do all of their chores.
Look at that useless baby.
It doesn't even know how to get water
from a frozen pond.
Look at her carrying a pail!
She was rescued by a fairy godmother
who magically created a special outfit
so Cinderella could go to a ball
and marry a prince.
If you would like the story
of Sunny Baudelaire,
simply take the story of Cinderella
and eliminate the fairy godmother,
the special outfit, the ball,
the prince, the marriage,
the seasonal gourd
that becomes a carriage,
and the ending
where they live happily ever after.
There you are, baby.
I, uh...
I made you this outfit.
I know it's nothing special, but...
it's warmer than those rags.
Count Olaf would be furious
if you froze to death
before he could get your fortune, so...
What are you doing?
You've got, uh...
You've got cinders on your face.
Chabo.
Yay!
Don't give me that look.
And then Cinderella told Prince Charming
that she's got an even more beautiful
sister whose name is Carmelita,
so he married her instead.
And then she divorced him
and took all of his money. The end!
Now, this is the story
of Sleeping Beauty's
even more adorable younger sister--
Carmelita, you've told
nine stories already.
Maybe somebody else would like a turn.
I bet mountain climbers
have interesting stories.
Yeah.
Has anything really terrible
happened to you?
We'd rather not share.
You should be more accommodating.
After all...
Snow Scouts are accommodating,
basic, calm, darling, emblematic,
frisky, grinning, human,
innocent, jumping,
kept, limited, meek, naploving, official,
pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled,
tidy, understandable,
victorious, wholesome,
xylophone, young, and zippered.
Every morning, every afternoon,
every night, and all day long!
That... That can't
honestly be your pledge.
How can anyone be "xylophone"?
It's not an adjective.
You can't change the words
of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge.
The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that
we do the same thing over and over!
We wear the same parkas,
we recite the same pledge,
and every year, we celebrate False Spring
at the top of Mount Fraught.
And we always make Brucie
carry our luggage.
What's False Spring?
Anybody who's not a cakesniffer
knows that False Spring
is when the weather gets unusually warm
before it gets cold again.
We celebrate with a dance
around a special pole,
and then I get chosen False Spring Queen!
-It doesn't have to be you.
-Yes, it does!
Because I'm the most accommodating,
basic, calm--
Are you sure you two don't have a story?
I'd love to hear a Very Fascinating Drama.
We know all sorts of stories.
Stories about Vastly Frightening Danger.
And Vain Fashionable Divas.
Have you read the story of Anna Karenina?
Our mother read it to us.
We were very young, so she'd stop
to explain all the words and themes.
Boring!
Anna Karenina is a classic
of Russian literature!
That's another word for boring,
-and so are stories about dead parents.
-Carmelita has a point.
Anyhow, it's late, and I feel sick
from eating so many marshmallows.
So, everyone, get in your sleeping bags.
You should stay the night here, travelers.
We have some extra horse blankets
you can sleep on.
You cakesniffers
should sleep far away from us.
Those blankets smell like nail polish.
That's because you spilled nail polish
all over them.
Good night, travelers.
The fire should die out in a few hours.
Some things are easier to find
in the dark.
Such as?
Missing persons.
Who are you?
Cakesniffers whispering in a cave.
Is there anything less adorable?
Come on. We don't socialize with orphans.
-Do you think we can trust him?
-He must be with V.F.D.
But why is he disguised as a Snow Scout?
And why did he bring up Anna Karenina?
And why is he the only one wearing a mask?
We'll find out when the fire dies.
He was right about one thing.
It'll be easier to find Sunny when
it's dark and when Count Olaf is asleep.
-Violet...
-Yeah?
If one of our parents is alive,
which one do you think it is?
There's no way to know.
I keep wondering anyway.
Me, too.
This is probably a test. If we prove
to Count Olaf we can survive a night
in this dark, freezing,
probably haunted wood,
when we go back in the morning,
he'll be so impressed,
he'll welcome us with open arms and say
all the nice things my dad never did.
We don't have to go back at all.
I've got some money saved up
from the carnival.
We could buy a patch of farm
and live off the land.
-What kind of crops would we grow?
-We could grow anything.
It would be helpful
to visualize something specific.
Could we grow rutabagas?
We could grow literally anything!
So sure, rutabagas.
-I don't like rutabagas.
-Forget about the rutabagas!
The point is, we still have time
to turn our lives around.
And if we're on our own,
there won't be anyone to call us freaks.
Not Count Olaf, not his troupe,
not even your dad.
Madame Lulu always said,
"You deserve better."
The Madame Lulu who got eaten by lions,
or the one who drove off in a taxi?
I wonder whatever happened to her.
Howdy, stranger.
Hugo? Colette? Kevin?
How does a stranger know our names?
Listen to me, there are dangerous people
on this mountain.
We know. We carpooled.
You have to leave now, before--
I'll lead them away.
Wait! Do you know how to light a fire?
- Thank you.
- You deserve better.
What a nut job.
Yeah, she acted like she knew us.
That was weird.
Should she really be running around
the woods at night when she's pregnant?
-I say she's the real freak, not us!
-Not like us!
Not like us! Not like us!
Ooh, anyone else feel that chill?
Oh, hello.
Nice night for it.
Who are you?
I wouldn't worry
about boring questions like that.
-Lovely spot, isn't it?
-Secluded.
-A warm fire.
-Yes, this will do nicely.
You should leave. There are
dangerous people on this mountain.
Yeah, us. We're dangerous criminals
in Count Olaf's troupe.
You're here with little Olaf?
He's just up on that summit.
All we need to do is scream
and he'll come running.
-That's a charming theory.
-Let's put it to the test.
Probably weasels.
Those weren't weasels.
Come on, Snicket. All you've got to do
is get off this mountain,
evade your enemies and their eagles,
and safe-guard the sugar bowl.
The sugar bowl.
Shh!
I had to wait until the fire died down
so I could show you.
The Vertical Flame Diversion?
It's not just a chimney,
it's a secret passageway.
-How did you know it was here?
-I've read about it in a book
called The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.
- We know that book. But how do--
- What are you doing?
Give me those earrings, Rachel.
Ugh!
We don't know who you are.
How do we know we can trust you?
"Xenial" is an adjective
that begins with X.
It means being welcoming to strangers.
Having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee
that I'm a good person,
but it does mean I've read a lot,
and in my experience, well-read people
are less likely to be evil.
I only watch network television.
You could take your mask off now.
They're asleep.
But there are enemies everywhere.
Follow me.
Cake!
Perhaps when you were young,
someone sang a certain song to you
to lull you to sleep,
or to entertain you on a long car trip,
or in order to teach you a secret code.
The song is "The Itsy Bitsy Spider,"
and it is one of the saddest songs
ever composed.
It tells the story of a small spider
who is trying to climb a water spout,
only to be washed away again and again,
until it seems that he will never
reach his destination.
As the Baudelaires climbed the seemingly
endless Vertical Flame Diversion...
...they could not help feeling
like that poor spider.
Spider!
A pony party for me?
And when Klaus stuck his hand
into a foothold
serving as a spider condominium,
he felt more like the spout.
We're close.
What do you think
we'll find up there?
I know what I hope we'll find.
I thought I tied you up.
What do you think you're doing?
Hurry up with it.
Wake up, everybody!
We have a big day ahead of us.
I'm going to need a little while
to figure out what to wear.
It's not "in" to burn down
a secret headquarters
without wearing a fashionable outfit.
Well, tick-tock.
The baby's making breakfast.
We'll have the henchpeople set the table.
Oh, it's actually very "in"
to dine alfresco.
You're thinking of Al Funcoot.
Believe me, I'm not.
Someone bring me some coffee!
Or a brandy sidecar.
You heard the lady. Breakfast!
I think we can do better than that.
The ice is pretty thin.
False Spring must be coming.
We're right at the source
of Stricken Stream, so...
there should be...
Ah! Salmon galore!
Yeah, here.
Oh, here you go. There you go.
You ever go ice-fishing?
My stepdad used to take me.
Oh, no, we just don't
see each other anymore.
He didn't approve
of some of my life choices.
It's tough losing family.
You know, it wasn't my idea
to plunge your siblings to their deaths.
Well, every career path has its drawbacks.
Oftentimes, if you want to do theater,
you end up in a life of crime instead.
Oh, God, you sound just like my stepdad.
I'm starving!
Look, don't tell anybody I said this...
but I'll be glad if one of your parents
if still alive.
I'm starving!
Get moving, brat.
Not too long ago
in the city of Stockholm,
a group of bank robbers
took a few prisoners
during the course of their work.
And this vault is where we keep
all the fortunes,
although I can't imagine you having
any interest in seeing big piles of money.
I keep the combination to the vault
on the desk.
It's taped to the three-hole punch.
Now, this--
For several days,
the bank robbers and prisoners
lived together in close proximity,
a word which here means
"while the police gathered outside
and eventually managed
to take the robbers to jail."
Do you have any nines?
Go fish.
Isn't this fun?!
Freeze!
Freeze!
- Everybody freeze!
- Stop!
When the prisoners were finally freed,
however, the authorities discovered
that they had become friends
with the bank robbers.
Keep in touch!
Since that time,
the expression "Stockholm Syndrome"
has been used to describe a situation
in which prisoners
grow fond of their captors.
But there is also
an expression to describe
when captors grow fond of their prisoners.
And that expression has become known
as "Mount Fraught Syndrome."
Hey!
Look what the baby made.
Sorbet, sashimi, and toast tartare.
I had my doubts about putting a baby
in charge of the cooking...
But this is delicious.
It's a shame we're constantly
exploiting and threatening her
when we could be nurturing her talents
for the collective good.
What is this? I wanted orange juice.
This is just orange ice!
This toast is raw.
Is it safe to eat raw toast?
Of course it isn't.
That baby's trying to poison us!
I wanted a nice, hot breakfast,
and instead, you brought me
this cold, disgusting nonsense.
Maybe if I throw you off Mount Fraught,
you'll learn your lesson.
I'm kidding.
I'd never throw you off a mountain.
I need you to get your fortune.
I just wanted to scare you.
An aura of menace
is a distinct feeling of evil
that accompanies
the arrival of certain people.
Having an aura of menace
is like having a pet weasel
because you rarely meet
someone who has one,
and when you do, it makes you
want to hide under your desk.
But there are some people that have
such a deep and lasting aura of menace
that I cannot bring myself
to say their names,
even after so many years,
and will instead refer to them
the way almost everyone does,
as the man with the beard and no hair,
and the woman with hair but no beard,
although the very sight of them
might make you scream other names.
Mommy! Daddy!
Show some respect, Olaf.
Is that any way to greet the people
who raised you?
Boss, are these your parents?
Only figuratively. They were my mentors.
Yes. We played a crucial role
in your education, didn't we, Olaf?
Taught you how to set fires.
A few ants, a magnifying glass.
You were lost before we recruited you.
-You needed a push.
-A good, hard shove.
Tell us, what have you been doing
with your life?
Well...
I am an actor.
I've been glowingly mentioned
in reviews in several small magazines.
This is my troupe.
There are several carnival freaks
running around somewhere.
Not anymore.
Oh, oh, oh! This is my girlfriend.
Yes! I have a girlfriend.
Good morning.
-I'm Esmé Gigi--
-We know who you are.
You moved into the penthouse
at 667 Dark Avenue.
How did that work out?
Jerome and I are having
a trial separation.
We meant with the Quagmires.
Quagmire. Oh, uh... It's been so long.
I honestly can't remember.
-Allow us to remind you.
-You lost those triplets.
Twins, actually.
After we went to all that trouble
to restrain their parents in Peru.
You heard about the Quagmires?
Oh, we've heard about
all your little mishaps, Olaf.
How you've been foiled
by those irritating volunteers.
And those three plucky children.
Time and again.
What do you have to say for yourself?
It wasn't my fault!
It was theirs!
I am surrounded
by incompetence and disloyalty!
Hey, that's not fair.
It's more than fair. It's totally true!
I would be burning down
V.F.D. headquarters right now
if these idiots hadn't insisted upon
waiting for breakfast first!
Oh, Olaf.
I wouldn't worry about the headquarters.
This looks like the tunnel we found
under our house.
V.F.D. built these passageways everywhere.
An underground organization
needs a way to travel underground.
According to the The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations,
-the headquarters is behind that door.
-That's an impressive lock.
-How does it open?
-It's called a Vernacularly Fastened Door.
It opens with language.
The keyboard is wired to the
hinges. You have to type a phrase.
Three phrases, and if you get them wrong,
it locks forever.
The first phrase
is the name of the scientist
most widely credited
with the discovery of gravity.
That's easy. Sir Isaac Newton.
What's next?
The Latin name of the lions
found in the Hinterlands.
- Panthero Leo.
- V.F.D. used to train them
before the schism.
What's the last phrase?
The third phrase is the central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina,
but I've never read it.
That's why you asked about it earlier.
You needed somebody
to help you open the door.
There are people I'm looking for.
-People I've lost.
-Us too.
-Our mother.
-Our father.
Sunny.
We can find them, but only
if you can tell me the central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina.
The central theme
of the novel Anna Karenina...
Is that a rural life
of moral simplicity...
Is the preferable personal narrative
to a daring life of impulsive passion...
Which only leads to tragedy.
Our mother had us memorize it.
It's like she was preparing us
for this moment.
We won't let her down.
Why isn't it opening?
It sounded like it was working
till the last word.
Maybe the mechanism is stuck.
Or maybe a daring life of impulsive
passion leads to something else.
A daring life of impulsive passion
can lead to many things.
It can lead to a brave
and remarkable woman
mourning a terrible loss
on the bank of a frozen stream.
I've lost the sugar bowl.
I lost everything.
It can lead to a banker
making a surprising
and out of character return.
Excuse me, miss.
I've lost my map,
and I have no idea where I am.
You shouldn't be here.
This mountain is dangerous.
Well, so is the city.
I just experienced a bank robbery,
and Mr. Tamerlane
seems to think it was my fault,
so I decided it best to get out of town
as fast as I could
and search for some orphans
I seem to have misplaced.
That's funny.
I just had the oddest feeling,
like a daring, impulsive passion...
that someone nearby was in trouble.
You haven't seen anyone in trouble,
have you, miss?
A woman in your condition
shouldn't be out here all alone.
No...
No, she shouldn't.
Let me help you.
Thanks.
In my own case,
a daring life of impulsive passion
has led to false accusations...
...and a life on the run.
But in the case of Anna Karenina,
a daring life of impulsive passion
leads only to tragedy.
And Violet was right.
The mechanism was stuck.
We could walk in on the entire
organization having a meeting.
Or one of our parents.
- Mother?
- Father!
-Mother?
-Father!
You don't have to worry
about the headquarters...
Because we burned them down ourselves.
First, we burned down the kitchen.
No!
Then we burned down the parlor,
then the disguise room, the ballroom,
and all six inventing labs.
We burned down the classrooms,
and the movie theater, and the hot tub,
which was very hard to burn.
And finally, we burned down the library.
That was my favorite part.
Books, and books, and books...
All turned to ash,
so no one can read them.
So many secrets...
No one will ever learn now.
It's all gone up in smoke.
No!
No!
-Well, well.
-Who do we have here?
Oh, you are going to love this.
It's all gone.
This is where everything has led us.
The maps, the codes...
The Snicket file.
One of our parents has to be here!
Jacques Snicket said
there was a survivor of the fire.
There is.
-Where?
-Here.
I survived the fire
that destroyed my home.
Duncan?
Quigley.
Quigley Quagmire.