A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript
[theme song playing]
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening
Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode
Is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away
Look away, look away ♪
♪ The Baudelaires are hiding
In a place crawling with doctors ♪
♪ Count Olaf's close behind them
With his troop of lousy actors ♪
♪ Something dreadful happens
With a big, sharp rusty knife ♪
♪ So if I were you
I'd find some other way ♪
♪ To spend your life ♪
♪ Just look away, look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror
And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?"
And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
[Sunny babbles]
[Klaus] We have to keep going, Sunny.
I'm tired, too,
but we have to find Violet
before it's too late.
Do you think it's true
one of our parents survived the fire?
It is difficult to describe
how Klaus and Sunny felt,
hiding in the mail delivery vents
at Heimlich Hospital.
So, allow me to explain it
by describing something
that happened
to my good friend, Mr. Sirin.
Mr. Sirin was a lepidopterist,
a word which usually means
a person who studies butterflies.
In Mr. Sirin's case, it also meant
one who is being pursued
by government officials.
- [knocking]
- [man] Open up.
We're here for your butterflies.
Quickly. Quickly.
As the secret police closed in,
Mr. Sirin opened his mouth
as wide as he could
and swallowed every last butterfly,
alive and whole.
Mr. Sirin was captured,
but his butterflies were safe
from government questioning.
You see? There's your problem right there.
It is in his memory that,
when a situation is
particularly fraught or tense,
a person is said to have
butterflies in their stomach.
Having butterflies in one's stomach
is not a pleasant feeling,
but it is the best way to describe
how Klaus and Sunny felt,
hiding in the vents at a hostile hospital,
watching Count Olaf and Esmé Squalor
drag their sister toward perils unknown.
[as Olaf] My diagnosis is
you've been captured.
In my medical opinion, it all has to go.
You're not real doctors.
You'll never get away with this. [Grunts]
You're right about one of those things.
[both laughing maniacally]
[grunts]
[Sunny babbles]
You're right. We've got to rescue Violet
and get out of this hostile hospital.
What the devil?
[stammering] My files, my films,
my paperwork.
I file this under "D"
for both disaster and deceit.
Who would do such a terrible thing?
[over PA] Attention.
This is Dr. Mattathias Medical School,
Head of Human Resources
and Hospital Administration.
I have nothing to do with party planning.
Please be aware that
two of the three Baudelaire murderers
have been spotted in the hospital.
If you see any children whom you recognize
from the Daily Punctilio,
please capture them and give them
to the most stylish nurse you can find.
Thank you.
[as Olaf] I'm in the mood
for fish and chips.
- The intercom.
- What?
- The intercom.
- "Inter" what? Oh. Sorry.
- [speaker feedback crackles]
- [clears throat]
Hello.
[muffled mumbling]
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
You really do tie a beautiful bow, Esmé.
I just thought she needed
a little sprucing up.
[muffled speaking]
I'm sorry, I can't hear you
with the tape over your mouth.
I said...
[screams]
[breathing heavily]
So melodramatic.
[exhales] You're not really
Dr. Medical School, are you?
You're that awful Count Olaf.
Ding, ding, ding.
What a fool I've been.
I should have known better
than to circumvent bureaucracy
for a handsome stranger.
Easy, sister.
I'm not done with you, Babs.
You helped me capture Violet,
and now you're going to help me hide her.
Ha! You couldn't hide a binder clip here.
The paperwork keeps track of everything
from surgical knives to a cookie
dropped behind the X-ray machine.
Anybody in this hospital would stick out
like a sore thumb
if their name wasn't
on today's patient list,
which is a complete list of
all the patients here.
Then I'll just take your clipboard.
What? No.
Anything but my clipboard.
Take my eyeballs! Take my feet!
I need my clip... [muffled mumbling]
[both] What now, boss?
It's elementary.
If we devise a fake name for Violet,
we can hide her amongst the patients,
so her siblings
won't be able to find her...
until we want them to, that is.
[chuckles deviously]
- [both chuckle]
- The hunter has become the hunted.
That makes no sense.
You catch more flies with honey.
Catch more... Who's the fly...
I thought that was vinegar.
You're the honey and those orphans are...
Sometimes I drink a whole glass of vinegar
if no one's watching.
Sometimes I wonder about you two.
[banging]
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
Get up, lazy bones.
We're distributing today's patient list.
- And they're totally real names, too.
- Totally.
They sure look real to me.
Come on, everybody. Vocal warm-ups.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[Klaus] Violet must be somewhere
in this hospital.
Otherwise, Olaf and Esmé would have
left by now. We have to find her.
- [babbles]
- I don't know.
Olaf is watching us
through the security cameras
and the rest might recognize us
as "murderers" from the Daily Punctilio.
♪ We are Volunteers Fighting Disease
And we're cheerful all day long ♪
♪ If someone said that we were sad
That person would be wrong ♪
♪ Tra-la-la
Fiddle-dee-dee ♪
♪ Hope you get well soon
Ho-ho-ho... ♪
Hey!
- Could we have some balloons?
- Of course, brother.
- Take two and start singing.
- [Klaus chuckles]
♪ We visit patients in their beds
And get them to cheer up ♪
♪ Even when they donate blood
Or pee into a cup ♪
The boss said to keep the girl on ice
until we're ready for her.
- That sounds cold.
- It's an expression.
- Oh.
- She's just in one of these rooms.
[Sunny babbles]
We need a way to search all the rooms.
Time to visit all these rooms.
[chuckles softly]
- Could you call a nurse?
- [volunteers whistling]
I was supposed to take painkillers,
but nobody came by to give them to me.
Sorry, we don't have time for that.
We have to visit each and every room
in this hospital
so we have to move quickly.
[straining] Water.
A cheerful attitude is much more
effective at fighting illness
than painkillers or water.
So, cheer up and enjoy your balloon.
Let's see. Next on our list
is Bernard Roovoo
in room 105 of the Plague Ward.
- Come on, brothers and sisters.
- [volunteers cheer]
Water, please.
[volunteers] ♪ We visit victims everywhere
And try to calm them down ♪
♪ Even when their raw, red throats
Make their faces frown ♪
- Water.
- [coughing]
♪ We sing and sing and sing and sing
You cannot turn us off ♪
♪ The cheerful lyrics work like pills
And might improve your cough ♪
♪ We visit people with bad mouths
Whose tongues swell up with sores ♪
♪ Our songs bring lots of sunshine in
Although they're stuck indoors ♪
Comfy?
Klaus and Sunny will find me.
Oh, I'm counting on it.
If I know your siblings,
your brainy brother will follow the clues
right into my clutches.
We've outsmarted you every time.
We'll do it again.
I don't think you will outsmart me,
not this time.
Have you ever hunted, Violet?
Of course not.
Well, if you had, you'd be familiar
with a particular experience.
There's a particular moment,
at the end of a long hunt,
when you have the animal cornered.
And the animal looks into your eyes,
deep into them,
to see if there's any mercy in there.
And when it sees that there is not...
it gives up.
It gives its life to you.
Well, I have you cornered, Violet,
and I have no mercy.
Soon enough, your siblings
will fall into my trap.
And when they do, I won't be satisfied
with just your fortune.
This time, I will obliterate you
and the entire Baudelaire line
in the cruelest way imaginable.
Won't that be fun?
Darling, Hooky had a question about
which bone saw is scariest,
and I'm just not sure.
Be right there, my pet.
Well, a fake doctor's work is never done.
Oh, I wouldn't bother screaming for help.
In a hospital,
screams are perfectly normal.
[muffled grunting]
Am I right?
[whistles]
Let's do the verse about leprosy. [Laughs]
♪ We visit folks with leprosy
And sing them songs as such ♪
♪ We're careful not to touch them, though
Or breathe in very much ♪
[Sunny babbles]
You're right. I don't think
this is a good use of our time.
We haven't seen a sign of Violet.
[babbles]
This is a break room for doctors.
I wish we were doctors.
Then we could search this hospital.
[babbles]
Good thinking.
If Olaf can fool people using disguises,
then maybe we can, too.
I feel like I have butterflies
in my stomach,
not just a toddler strapped to it. [Sighs]
How are you doing there?
[babbles]
Let's hope this works.
That's better. [Panting]
[screams]
I'm gonna get us both out of here,
but you have to be quiet and do as I say.
- Do you understand?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna untie you now,
but you have to stay still, okay?
[laughing]
Why are you laughing?
Sorry. Sometimes I laugh
when I'm very, very frightened.
[laughs nervously]
I hate hospitals. Always have.
Scariest places on Earth.
If you hate hospitals, why work in one?
I wanted to work for the post office,
but everyone said that was a pipe dream.
[laughs nervously]
I have to find my siblings
and get away from Olaf.
What's the fastest way
out of this hospital?
There is no fast way.
First, file the release papers
in quadruplicate,
and then those have to be authorized.
Is there a way out
of here that doesn't involve paperwork?
You can die. [Laughs]
Or you can take a left at the next hall.
The exit's that way.
[door closes]
There's someone coming.
If we disguise ourselves,
we can roam around freely.
What Klaus would do.
Are you suggesting we pretend
to have medical degrees
that we don't actually have?
[laughing nervously]
You have to be quiet.
Sorry, I'm just so nervous.
You're calling attention.
Let me sleep. I'm on a break.
I've never faked anything in my life!
The very thought is preposterous.
It's unthinkable. It's exhilarating.
Yes! Let's do it!
Put on this coat. Just be quiet.
By gum, I want to live!
[Mattathias] Well, that's a shame.
We don't always get what we want.
[laughs nervously]
- Still think you can outsmart me?
- What have you done with Babs?
You were such a bad influence on her,
we had to separate you two.
But that's all right. We will fix
your delinquent behavior once and for all.
Surgically.
We found the anesthesia machine.
This makes me see colored bubbles.
Now, shh.
Just relax...
[breathing heavily]
- And count backward from ten.
- [lullaby playing]
What are you gonna do to me?
Shh.
[echoing] Night-night.
[volunteers] ♪ We sing
While walking down the hall ♪
♪ And then consult our list ♪
♪ To see the names of anyone
Who just might have a cyst ♪
[babbles]
You're right. The volunteers have
a list of all the patients.
Maybe we can get them
to give us a look at it.
Uh, you!
[in deep voice] You, you, you.
Me, sir?
Yes, you.
I have misplaced my patient list.
I was wondering if I could have yours.
Patient list?
But patient lists are precious.
We get them every morning from...
Oh, hello, other doctor.
[as Mattathias] Yes?
Perhaps you can help this first doctor
I was talking to.
How may I be of service?
He lost his patient list,
so he can't find his patients.
[Mattathias] Is that so?
You look very familiar.
What is your name, Doctor?
My name is Dr. Faustus.
Dr. Faustus?
- MD.
- You look terribly young to be a doctor.
Where did you attend medical school,
Dr. Faustus?
Uh, Oxford, obviously.
Huh. "Oxford." [snickers] Sounds made-up.
- [volunteers laugh]
- [as Klaus] It is not.
[as Faustus] Dr. Medical School,
may I have a peek at your list?
Why don't you follow me
back to my otherwise deserted office,
and I'll make you a copy.
- Looks like you could use the exercise.
- [Sunny coos]
There's no time to lose.
I have a patient in need of medicine.
And you wouldn't want
all these witnesses to know
you let a patient die on your watch now,
would you, Dr. Medical School?
You both seem pretty legit, to be honest.
You're both wearing medical coats.
Just a quick glance.
There, I saved a life today.
Please hold the applause.
Just doing my job.
You could applaud a bit.
The camaraderie at this hospital
is really inspiring.
♪ Tra-la-la
Fiddle-dee-dee ♪
♪ Hope you get well soon ♪
♪ Ha-ha-ha
Hee-hee-hee ♪
[as Klaus] Now we'll never get
our hands on that list.
Sunny, you are amazing.
She's not here. How can we find her
if her name's not on the list?
[babbles]
Good thinking. Count Olaf often uses
a ridiculous fake name.
Wait, that makes me think of something
Duncan wrote in his notes.
Duncan wrote "Ana Gram."
I thought that was a name,
but it's a clue.
An anagram is a word created
by rearranging letters
in a different word,
like that playwright Al Funcoot.
If you rearrange the letters, you get...
[babbles]
"Yikes" is right.
Olaf uses anagrams
when he wants to hide something,
and, right now, he's hiding our sister.
So, if we find the anagram,
we find Violet.
[coughing]
Excuse me, but I was visiting
that bird town on business
when I came down with light-headedness.
I'm afraid
I might have picked up swine flu.
If you'd like to see a doctor,
fill out the paperwork.
An institution after my own heart.
This hospital once had the finest records
this side of the Mortmain Mountains.
But that's gone now.
My life's work has been destroyed.
That paperwork can never be re-filed.
You could use a secretary.
In my experience,
people who say they want to help you
let you down the most.
I know what you mean.
My secretary disappeared
into the Hinterlands somewhere.
[continues coughing]
Shall I just wait here?
[sighs]
I just love hospitals.
I used to.
This is taking too long.
There's too many names.
You're right, we can eliminate
any name without a "v."
We know Violet Baudelaire has 16 letters.
We must find her
before Olaf does something horrible.
[as Olaf] Scalpel?
Check.
Bone saw?
Check.
Skull drill?
[both] Check.
It's time.
Let's lose our first patient.
Well, look at this name.
Laura V. Bleediotie.
Rearrange the letters, and you get...
It says she's in room 922.
[sniffs] It smells like disinfectant.
I know. I'm hungry, too.
[Klaus] She's not here, Sunny.
Who's not here...
Doctor?
[as Faustus] Do you know what happened
to the patient that was in this room?
Do you mean the ugly little girl
with the big mouth?
She's being prepped for surgery.
- Surgery?
- Yes, so you're just in time.
[Mattathias over PA] Paging Dr. Faustus.
You are desperately needed
in the operating theater.
In precisely five minutes, we will perform
the world's first cranioectomy
on a teenage girl.
[stammering] Well, "cranio" means head,
and "ectomy" means to remove something.
You know very big words.
You must be a very good doctor.
Let's find out how good.
[Mattathias over PA] We all hope
this very dangerous operation
is a complete success.
But, as always, in the field of medicine,
stuff happens.
If you're wondering about
my enormous, terrifying knife,
the answer is, yes, it's incredibly sharp.
One swipe and... [imitates cutting sound]
[elevator bell dings]
Impressive.
Butterflies in your stomach, Dr. Faustus?
Don't worry. This is going to be fun.
- Program?
- Program.
Program.
I can't believe
I got tickets to this operation.
It sold out mere moments
after going on sale.
- I hope it's a musical.
- I brought my opera glasses.
They were an anniversary gift
from my wife. [Coughing]
You ought to have someone take a look
at that cough, buddy.
Cough?
[hook-handed man]
The show is about to begin.
Please find your places
and silence all mechanical devices.
[Mattathias clears throat]
Ah, Dr. Faustus,
I've been eagerly awaiting you.
And so has
our little sleeping beauty here.
Well, hurry along, Dr. Faustus.
The anesthesia won't last forever.
Don't forget this. You'll need it.
I do hope she doesn't wake up
in the middle of the operation.
Doctors, nurses,
Volunteers Fighting Disease,
gore fans, regular people,
welcome to the operating theater
of Heimlich Hospital.
I am Dr. Mattathias Medical School,
and these are my associates.
Dr. Flacutono.
Dr. Tocuna.
- Nurse Flo.
- Nurse Glo.
Nurse Lucafont.
And I am Nurse Cassandra Ursula
Terrific Elliandra...
And, of course, the man
who will be performing the operation,
the marvelous Dr. Faustus.
As I'm sure you've heard,
a cranioectomy is a procedure
in which the patient's head is removed.
Scientists have discovered
that many health problems
are rooted in the brainial area.
So, the best thing to do for the patient
is remove the head altogether.
Now, a cranioectomy is as dangerous
as it is necessary.
There is a chance that the patient
may tragically die during the operation,
leaving their enormous fortune
up for grabs.
But sometimes we make sacrifices
in the name of advancement.
Isn't that so, Dr. Faustus?
[breathing heavily]
[as Klaus] What do we do?
[babbles]
When you read books,
you are going to learn information
that might not be useful for a long time.
Then suddenly,
like a strike of lightning...
[thunderclap]
Or a grand piano
falling out of a window,
an opportunity arises
to use the information
gleaned from even
the most unlikely piece of reading.
[piano crashes]
[as Faustus] Before I make
the first incision,
[stammers] I think
I should talk a little bit
about the equipment I'm using.
In the case of Klaus,
it was an obscure book
from the Baudelaire library,
The Complete and Total History of Knives.
This is a knife.
We know it's a knife.
Now let's see you use it.
Any real doctor
would never perform a procedure
without explaining everything first.
And we are both real doctors, aren't we?
- [mouths inaudibly]
- [all murmur]
Keep it short, Doctor.
The knife is the oldest surgical tool
in the world.
Early knives have been found
in Mayan tombs, Egyptian temples.
[hisses]
There are many different types of knife,
which I'm going to list for you now.
- This is very interesting.
- [chuckles]
There's the pen knife, the pocket knife,
the butter knife...
What a lengthy explanation,
but it's time for the main event.
Yes, all these lovely people
will understand the process better
once the head has been removed.
Do it.
Yeah, cut off her head.
[all murmur in agreement]
Do it.
Do it.
[all] Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Wait!
I... I cannot perform this operation.
Why not?
There is one thing to be done.
The most important thing
we do here at Heimlich Hospital.
And what might that be?
Paperwork.
[all gasp]
We haven't done the paperwork.
Paperwork! Yes, of course!
Somebody call Hal.
I will! I'll go get him right now!
[indistinct chatter]
Just a brief pause, ladies and gentlemen.
[frustratedly] A minor interruption.
You may have found a way to stall,
but sooner or later,
the show will go on,
and there will be blood.
Unless...
- [as Klaus] Unless?
- [as Olaf] Unless?
You give me what I want.
We'll stop this operation right now
if you give me the item
you stole
from the Library of Records last night.
It's mine.
Why would we stop? The whole point...
Mine, mine, mine, mine,
- mine, mine, mine, mine!
- [grunts]
[Olaf breathing heavily]
[stammers] If it will save Violet, then...
[gasps] Oh, at last! [Kisses]
This isn't the sugar bowl.
[stammers] Sugar bowl?
That's the Snicket file.
Snicket file? What's this?
You...
Now let Violet go.
[as Mattathias] It has come to
my attention that this man is an impostor.
- [all gasp]
- He is not a doctor at all.
He's two children, neither of which
have graduated from medical school.
[crowd murmuring]
Oh, my gosh, it's those Baudelaires.
[all gasp]
Baudelaires? You're not doctors.
No, they're murderers.
They killed Count Olaf.
- Who?
- He... He's a very handsome actor.
[as Klaus] We didn't kill anybody.
These people disguised my sister
so they could chop off her head.
They did what?
Violet.
[Esmé] Don't be ridiculous.
You're the one
trying to saw off her head. Look.
I think it's best
the children come along with me.
Not that I would believe a stranger
over you Baudelaires,
but if you're not murderers,
why sneak into the hospital in disguise?
I think I can explain that.
- We're glad to see you.
- [all gasp]
Well, I'm glad to see you, too,
even if you are a bit blurry.
I thought for sure
you would have snuck away
after your prolonged
and treacherous vandalism.
Vandalism? That's terrible.
It was terrible.
These three Baudelaire murderers
pretended to be volunteers.
[Esmé gasps]
They made a fake key ring
and switched it for the real one,
so that they could break
into the Library of Records
and destroy any files about their crimes.
I thought you were my friends.
We didn't mean to destroy anything.
I'm sorry we tricked you,
and I am so sorry about your library,
but we're not the real criminals here.
[breathes heavily]
The real criminals are...
Where's Count Olaf?
[indistinct chatter]
I suppose I should start at the beginning.
But, before I do,
I have an important update.
It seems there may have been
a survivor of the fire.
[as Olaf] What?
- [VFD agent] Did you say...
- That's right.
[Olaf and VFD agent] I can't believe it.
This changes everything.
[groans]
[yelling]
[over PA] Attention.
This is Dr. Mattathias Medical School,
with some very important news.
A terrible fire has broken out
- in the Heimlich Hospital.
- [all gasp]
The fire was set in the Library of Records
by the Baudelaire murderers.
Please arrest them and bring them to me.
Oh, and you might want
to evacuate the building.
Or move the patients or something.
Thank you.
We couldn't have started that fire.
We've been in this theater.
Surround them!
Capture those Baudelaires!
We'll perform surgery on all three of you.
What? No,
the children will go to prison, of course.
They'll be in juvenile detention
until they come of age.
They should be tried as adults.
[white-faced woman 2]
Murderers should get the chair.
These are just children!
Very small chairs, then.
Go!
- Hal, please.
- You destroyed my library.
- [crunches]
- Ow! The baby bit me!
[Mr. Poe] Get the Baudelaires!
[alarm blaring]
Don't let them get away!
Tackle them!
- This is like PE class all over again.
- [volunteer] Murderers!
[hook-handed man] Get 'em!
- We're in trouble.
- I see that.
[volunteers] ♪ The hospital
Is burning down ♪
♪ It really is a shame ♪
♪ And the worst part is
The Baudelaires are totally to blame ♪
[Sunny babbles]
This way. This way.
- [bangs]
- Now I need a doctor.
We need your help.
The hospital is on fire.
We have to get out.
- I'll try. How high up are we?
- Uh...
Uh, thirty, forty feet. Too high to jump.
There's a crowd, too.
[knocking at door]
Open up in there.
No.
Please?
[breathing heavily]
- The film, do you have it?
- We had to give it to Esmé.
We have to focus on getting out.
I don't have my ribbon.
[sighs in relief] Thank you, Sunny.
I know it's silly, but it helps.
[volunteers singing]
The surgical tubing.
Tie it up, make a cord.
♪ ...and soon it will be ashes ♪
♪ All the patients have to leave
Even those with rashes ♪
I'll tie it to the pipe
with the Devil's Tongue knot
- so we can break our fall.
- Is that safe?
Many people jump from high places
on long, rubbery cords for fun.
We can do it to escape.
- If it's 40 feet, we won't make it.
- If it's 30, we might.
- We won't leave you behind again.
- I'll hold on to you.
[woman] Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
I have butterflies in my stomach.
Hold on tight.
Here I am. Nurse Lucafont.
[Lemony] Many things in this world
I do not know.
I don't know exactly how caterpillars know
to create their cocoons.
I don't know how
some people are brave enough
to follow their passion
in a world set out to destroy them.
Oh, not again.
I do not know
where the Baudelaire children are
or if they are safe or alive.
There is one thing I do know.
The window in the supply closet
in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes
in Heimlich Hospital
is not 30 or 40 feet off the ground.
It's 20, which is one foot higher
than the length of the cord.
So when the children leapt
into the smoky air,
Violet's invention worked perfectly.
Ow!
We survived.
That really stung.
Act casual.
- Keep your eyes open for the Baudelaires.
- I'll find them. I know I will.
[both panting]
Hurry up or I'll leave you behind.
Coming! Open the trunk.
I'll throw these costumes in.
This is horrific.
We never found the sugar bowl
after the librarian told us it was here.
- It's worse than that.
- I know,
and the Baudelaire brats escaped again.
It's very, very worse than that.
There may be a survivor
of the Baudelaire fire.
[Violet panting]
The police and the fire department
are here.
They already think we're murderers.
Now they'll think we're arsonists.
We need an escape.
- I think we already have one.
- [Klaus] What?
We can't wander the Hinterlands,
hoping we don't get captured.
Getting into that trunk
is getting captured.
[murmuring impatiently]
Get in the car this instant!
I'm leaving on the count of three.
Just one second, boss.
We're waiting for you-know-who.
One.
Stings real bad.
- Two!
- [henchperson] Oh.
[panting] What choice do we have?
[car door closes]
Three.
What's next, boss?
How should I know? I'm not...
psychic.
[indistinct shouting]
[Babs] Oh!
[Mr. Poe coughing] Let me help you.
My paperwork, my clipboard, it's all gone.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've lost a lot of paperwork myself...
and three orphans.
[engine rattling]
I guess we're still on the lam.
We're alive, and we're together.
I am alone this evening,
alone because of a cruel twist of fate,
a phrase which means nothing has gone
the way I thought it would.
I was once a content man
with a comfortable home,
a successful career,
a woman that I loved very much,
and an extremely reliable typewriter.
But it's all gone,
and all I have
to remember those happy days
is this tattoo on my ankle.
It's all gone. It's all gone.
Sometimes life feels like
some dismal story
presented as entertainment
by some cruel and invisible author.
It isn't a pleasant way to feel.
But what choice do we have?
[theme music playing]
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening
Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode
Is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away
Look away, look away ♪
♪ The Baudelaires are hiding
In a place crawling with doctors ♪
♪ Count Olaf's close behind them
With his troop of lousy actors ♪
♪ Something dreadful happens
With a big, sharp rusty knife ♪
♪ So if I were you
I'd find some other way ♪
♪ To spend your life ♪
♪ Just look away, look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror
And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person, "Should I watch?"
And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
[Sunny babbles]
[Klaus] We have to keep going, Sunny.
I'm tired, too,
but we have to find Violet
before it's too late.
Do you think it's true
one of our parents survived the fire?
It is difficult to describe
how Klaus and Sunny felt,
hiding in the mail delivery vents
at Heimlich Hospital.
So, allow me to explain it
by describing something
that happened
to my good friend, Mr. Sirin.
Mr. Sirin was a lepidopterist,
a word which usually means
a person who studies butterflies.
In Mr. Sirin's case, it also meant
one who is being pursued
by government officials.
- [knocking]
- [man] Open up.
We're here for your butterflies.
Quickly. Quickly.
As the secret police closed in,
Mr. Sirin opened his mouth
as wide as he could
and swallowed every last butterfly,
alive and whole.
Mr. Sirin was captured,
but his butterflies were safe
from government questioning.
You see? There's your problem right there.
It is in his memory that,
when a situation is
particularly fraught or tense,
a person is said to have
butterflies in their stomach.
Having butterflies in one's stomach
is not a pleasant feeling,
but it is the best way to describe
how Klaus and Sunny felt,
hiding in the vents at a hostile hospital,
watching Count Olaf and Esmé Squalor
drag their sister toward perils unknown.
[as Olaf] My diagnosis is
you've been captured.
In my medical opinion, it all has to go.
You're not real doctors.
You'll never get away with this. [Grunts]
You're right about one of those things.
[both laughing maniacally]
[grunts]
[Sunny babbles]
You're right. We've got to rescue Violet
and get out of this hostile hospital.
What the devil?
[stammering] My files, my films,
my paperwork.
I file this under "D"
for both disaster and deceit.
Who would do such a terrible thing?
[over PA] Attention.
This is Dr. Mattathias Medical School,
Head of Human Resources
and Hospital Administration.
I have nothing to do with party planning.
Please be aware that
two of the three Baudelaire murderers
have been spotted in the hospital.
If you see any children whom you recognize
from the Daily Punctilio,
please capture them and give them
to the most stylish nurse you can find.
Thank you.
[as Olaf] I'm in the mood
for fish and chips.
- The intercom.
- What?
- The intercom.
- "Inter" what? Oh. Sorry.
- [speaker feedback crackles]
- [clears throat]
Hello.
[muffled mumbling]
Well, well, well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
You really do tie a beautiful bow, Esmé.
I just thought she needed
a little sprucing up.
[muffled speaking]
I'm sorry, I can't hear you
with the tape over your mouth.
I said...
[screams]
[breathing heavily]
So melodramatic.
[exhales] You're not really
Dr. Medical School, are you?
You're that awful Count Olaf.
Ding, ding, ding.
What a fool I've been.
I should have known better
than to circumvent bureaucracy
for a handsome stranger.
Easy, sister.
I'm not done with you, Babs.
You helped me capture Violet,
and now you're going to help me hide her.
Ha! You couldn't hide a binder clip here.
The paperwork keeps track of everything
from surgical knives to a cookie
dropped behind the X-ray machine.
Anybody in this hospital would stick out
like a sore thumb
if their name wasn't
on today's patient list,
which is a complete list of
all the patients here.
Then I'll just take your clipboard.
What? No.
Anything but my clipboard.
Take my eyeballs! Take my feet!
I need my clip... [muffled mumbling]
[both] What now, boss?
It's elementary.
If we devise a fake name for Violet,
we can hide her amongst the patients,
so her siblings
won't be able to find her...
until we want them to, that is.
[chuckles deviously]
- [both chuckle]
- The hunter has become the hunted.
That makes no sense.
You catch more flies with honey.
Catch more... Who's the fly...
I thought that was vinegar.
You're the honey and those orphans are...
Sometimes I drink a whole glass of vinegar
if no one's watching.
Sometimes I wonder about you two.
[banging]
Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.
Get up, lazy bones.
We're distributing today's patient list.
- And they're totally real names, too.
- Totally.
They sure look real to me.
Come on, everybody. Vocal warm-ups.
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪
[Klaus] Violet must be somewhere
in this hospital.
Otherwise, Olaf and Esmé would have
left by now. We have to find her.
- [babbles]
- I don't know.
Olaf is watching us
through the security cameras
and the rest might recognize us
as "murderers" from the Daily Punctilio.
♪ We are Volunteers Fighting Disease
And we're cheerful all day long ♪
♪ If someone said that we were sad
That person would be wrong ♪
♪ Tra-la-la
Fiddle-dee-dee ♪
♪ Hope you get well soon
Ho-ho-ho... ♪
Hey!
- Could we have some balloons?
- Of course, brother.
- Take two and start singing.
- [Klaus chuckles]
♪ We visit patients in their beds
And get them to cheer up ♪
♪ Even when they donate blood
Or pee into a cup ♪
The boss said to keep the girl on ice
until we're ready for her.
- That sounds cold.
- It's an expression.
- Oh.
- She's just in one of these rooms.
[Sunny babbles]
We need a way to search all the rooms.
Time to visit all these rooms.
[chuckles softly]
- Could you call a nurse?
- [volunteers whistling]
I was supposed to take painkillers,
but nobody came by to give them to me.
Sorry, we don't have time for that.
We have to visit each and every room
in this hospital
so we have to move quickly.
[straining] Water.
A cheerful attitude is much more
effective at fighting illness
than painkillers or water.
So, cheer up and enjoy your balloon.
Let's see. Next on our list
is Bernard Roovoo
in room 105 of the Plague Ward.
- Come on, brothers and sisters.
- [volunteers cheer]
Water, please.
[volunteers] ♪ We visit victims everywhere
And try to calm them down ♪
♪ Even when their raw, red throats
Make their faces frown ♪
- Water.
- [coughing]
♪ We sing and sing and sing and sing
You cannot turn us off ♪
♪ The cheerful lyrics work like pills
And might improve your cough ♪
♪ We visit people with bad mouths
Whose tongues swell up with sores ♪
♪ Our songs bring lots of sunshine in
Although they're stuck indoors ♪
Comfy?
Klaus and Sunny will find me.
Oh, I'm counting on it.
If I know your siblings,
your brainy brother will follow the clues
right into my clutches.
We've outsmarted you every time.
We'll do it again.
I don't think you will outsmart me,
not this time.
Have you ever hunted, Violet?
Of course not.
Well, if you had, you'd be familiar
with a particular experience.
There's a particular moment,
at the end of a long hunt,
when you have the animal cornered.
And the animal looks into your eyes,
deep into them,
to see if there's any mercy in there.
And when it sees that there is not...
it gives up.
It gives its life to you.
Well, I have you cornered, Violet,
and I have no mercy.
Soon enough, your siblings
will fall into my trap.
And when they do, I won't be satisfied
with just your fortune.
This time, I will obliterate you
and the entire Baudelaire line
in the cruelest way imaginable.
Won't that be fun?
Darling, Hooky had a question about
which bone saw is scariest,
and I'm just not sure.
Be right there, my pet.
Well, a fake doctor's work is never done.
Oh, I wouldn't bother screaming for help.
In a hospital,
screams are perfectly normal.
[muffled grunting]
Am I right?
[whistles]
Let's do the verse about leprosy. [Laughs]
♪ We visit folks with leprosy
And sing them songs as such ♪
♪ We're careful not to touch them, though
Or breathe in very much ♪
[Sunny babbles]
You're right. I don't think
this is a good use of our time.
We haven't seen a sign of Violet.
[babbles]
This is a break room for doctors.
I wish we were doctors.
Then we could search this hospital.
[babbles]
Good thinking.
If Olaf can fool people using disguises,
then maybe we can, too.
I feel like I have butterflies
in my stomach,
not just a toddler strapped to it. [Sighs]
How are you doing there?
[babbles]
Let's hope this works.
That's better. [Panting]
[screams]
I'm gonna get us both out of here,
but you have to be quiet and do as I say.
- Do you understand?
- Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna untie you now,
but you have to stay still, okay?
[laughing]
Why are you laughing?
Sorry. Sometimes I laugh
when I'm very, very frightened.
[laughs nervously]
I hate hospitals. Always have.
Scariest places on Earth.
If you hate hospitals, why work in one?
I wanted to work for the post office,
but everyone said that was a pipe dream.
[laughs nervously]
I have to find my siblings
and get away from Olaf.
What's the fastest way
out of this hospital?
There is no fast way.
First, file the release papers
in quadruplicate,
and then those have to be authorized.
Is there a way out
of here that doesn't involve paperwork?
You can die. [Laughs]
Or you can take a left at the next hall.
The exit's that way.
[door closes]
There's someone coming.
If we disguise ourselves,
we can roam around freely.
What Klaus would do.
Are you suggesting we pretend
to have medical degrees
that we don't actually have?
[laughing nervously]
You have to be quiet.
Sorry, I'm just so nervous.
You're calling attention.
Let me sleep. I'm on a break.
I've never faked anything in my life!
The very thought is preposterous.
It's unthinkable. It's exhilarating.
Yes! Let's do it!
Put on this coat. Just be quiet.
By gum, I want to live!
[Mattathias] Well, that's a shame.
We don't always get what we want.
[laughs nervously]
- Still think you can outsmart me?
- What have you done with Babs?
You were such a bad influence on her,
we had to separate you two.
But that's all right. We will fix
your delinquent behavior once and for all.
Surgically.
We found the anesthesia machine.
This makes me see colored bubbles.
Now, shh.
Just relax...
[breathing heavily]
- And count backward from ten.
- [lullaby playing]
What are you gonna do to me?
Shh.
[echoing] Night-night.
[volunteers] ♪ We sing
While walking down the hall ♪
♪ And then consult our list ♪
♪ To see the names of anyone
Who just might have a cyst ♪
[babbles]
You're right. The volunteers have
a list of all the patients.
Maybe we can get them
to give us a look at it.
Uh, you!
[in deep voice] You, you, you.
Me, sir?
Yes, you.
I have misplaced my patient list.
I was wondering if I could have yours.
Patient list?
But patient lists are precious.
We get them every morning from...
Oh, hello, other doctor.
[as Mattathias] Yes?
Perhaps you can help this first doctor
I was talking to.
How may I be of service?
He lost his patient list,
so he can't find his patients.
[Mattathias] Is that so?
You look very familiar.
What is your name, Doctor?
My name is Dr. Faustus.
Dr. Faustus?
- MD.
- You look terribly young to be a doctor.
Where did you attend medical school,
Dr. Faustus?
Uh, Oxford, obviously.
Huh. "Oxford." [snickers] Sounds made-up.
- [volunteers laugh]
- [as Klaus] It is not.
[as Faustus] Dr. Medical School,
may I have a peek at your list?
Why don't you follow me
back to my otherwise deserted office,
and I'll make you a copy.
- Looks like you could use the exercise.
- [Sunny coos]
There's no time to lose.
I have a patient in need of medicine.
And you wouldn't want
all these witnesses to know
you let a patient die on your watch now,
would you, Dr. Medical School?
You both seem pretty legit, to be honest.
You're both wearing medical coats.
Just a quick glance.
There, I saved a life today.
Please hold the applause.
Just doing my job.
You could applaud a bit.
The camaraderie at this hospital
is really inspiring.
♪ Tra-la-la
Fiddle-dee-dee ♪
♪ Hope you get well soon ♪
♪ Ha-ha-ha
Hee-hee-hee ♪
[as Klaus] Now we'll never get
our hands on that list.
Sunny, you are amazing.
She's not here. How can we find her
if her name's not on the list?
[babbles]
Good thinking. Count Olaf often uses
a ridiculous fake name.
Wait, that makes me think of something
Duncan wrote in his notes.
Duncan wrote "Ana Gram."
I thought that was a name,
but it's a clue.
An anagram is a word created
by rearranging letters
in a different word,
like that playwright Al Funcoot.
If you rearrange the letters, you get...
[babbles]
"Yikes" is right.
Olaf uses anagrams
when he wants to hide something,
and, right now, he's hiding our sister.
So, if we find the anagram,
we find Violet.
[coughing]
Excuse me, but I was visiting
that bird town on business
when I came down with light-headedness.
I'm afraid
I might have picked up swine flu.
If you'd like to see a doctor,
fill out the paperwork.
An institution after my own heart.
This hospital once had the finest records
this side of the Mortmain Mountains.
But that's gone now.
My life's work has been destroyed.
That paperwork can never be re-filed.
You could use a secretary.
In my experience,
people who say they want to help you
let you down the most.
I know what you mean.
My secretary disappeared
into the Hinterlands somewhere.
[continues coughing]
Shall I just wait here?
[sighs]
I just love hospitals.
I used to.
This is taking too long.
There's too many names.
You're right, we can eliminate
any name without a "v."
We know Violet Baudelaire has 16 letters.
We must find her
before Olaf does something horrible.
[as Olaf] Scalpel?
Check.
Bone saw?
Check.
Skull drill?
[both] Check.
It's time.
Let's lose our first patient.
Well, look at this name.
Laura V. Bleediotie.
Rearrange the letters, and you get...
It says she's in room 922.
[sniffs] It smells like disinfectant.
I know. I'm hungry, too.
[Klaus] She's not here, Sunny.
Who's not here...
Doctor?
[as Faustus] Do you know what happened
to the patient that was in this room?
Do you mean the ugly little girl
with the big mouth?
She's being prepped for surgery.
- Surgery?
- Yes, so you're just in time.
[Mattathias over PA] Paging Dr. Faustus.
You are desperately needed
in the operating theater.
In precisely five minutes, we will perform
the world's first cranioectomy
on a teenage girl.
[stammering] Well, "cranio" means head,
and "ectomy" means to remove something.
You know very big words.
You must be a very good doctor.
Let's find out how good.
[Mattathias over PA] We all hope
this very dangerous operation
is a complete success.
But, as always, in the field of medicine,
stuff happens.
If you're wondering about
my enormous, terrifying knife,
the answer is, yes, it's incredibly sharp.
One swipe and... [imitates cutting sound]
[elevator bell dings]
Impressive.
Butterflies in your stomach, Dr. Faustus?
Don't worry. This is going to be fun.
- Program?
- Program.
Program.
I can't believe
I got tickets to this operation.
It sold out mere moments
after going on sale.
- I hope it's a musical.
- I brought my opera glasses.
They were an anniversary gift
from my wife. [Coughing]
You ought to have someone take a look
at that cough, buddy.
Cough?
[hook-handed man]
The show is about to begin.
Please find your places
and silence all mechanical devices.
[Mattathias clears throat]
Ah, Dr. Faustus,
I've been eagerly awaiting you.
And so has
our little sleeping beauty here.
Well, hurry along, Dr. Faustus.
The anesthesia won't last forever.
Don't forget this. You'll need it.
I do hope she doesn't wake up
in the middle of the operation.
Doctors, nurses,
Volunteers Fighting Disease,
gore fans, regular people,
welcome to the operating theater
of Heimlich Hospital.
I am Dr. Mattathias Medical School,
and these are my associates.
Dr. Flacutono.
Dr. Tocuna.
- Nurse Flo.
- Nurse Glo.
Nurse Lucafont.
And I am Nurse Cassandra Ursula
Terrific Elliandra...
And, of course, the man
who will be performing the operation,
the marvelous Dr. Faustus.
As I'm sure you've heard,
a cranioectomy is a procedure
in which the patient's head is removed.
Scientists have discovered
that many health problems
are rooted in the brainial area.
So, the best thing to do for the patient
is remove the head altogether.
Now, a cranioectomy is as dangerous
as it is necessary.
There is a chance that the patient
may tragically die during the operation,
leaving their enormous fortune
up for grabs.
But sometimes we make sacrifices
in the name of advancement.
Isn't that so, Dr. Faustus?
[breathing heavily]
[as Klaus] What do we do?
[babbles]
When you read books,
you are going to learn information
that might not be useful for a long time.
Then suddenly,
like a strike of lightning...
[thunderclap]
Or a grand piano
falling out of a window,
an opportunity arises
to use the information
gleaned from even
the most unlikely piece of reading.
[piano crashes]
[as Faustus] Before I make
the first incision,
[stammers] I think
I should talk a little bit
about the equipment I'm using.
In the case of Klaus,
it was an obscure book
from the Baudelaire library,
The Complete and Total History of Knives.
This is a knife.
We know it's a knife.
Now let's see you use it.
Any real doctor
would never perform a procedure
without explaining everything first.
And we are both real doctors, aren't we?
- [mouths inaudibly]
- [all murmur]
Keep it short, Doctor.
The knife is the oldest surgical tool
in the world.
Early knives have been found
in Mayan tombs, Egyptian temples.
[hisses]
There are many different types of knife,
which I'm going to list for you now.
- This is very interesting.
- [chuckles]
There's the pen knife, the pocket knife,
the butter knife...
What a lengthy explanation,
but it's time for the main event.
Yes, all these lovely people
will understand the process better
once the head has been removed.
Do it.
Yeah, cut off her head.
[all murmur in agreement]
Do it.
Do it.
[all] Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
Wait!
I... I cannot perform this operation.
Why not?
There is one thing to be done.
The most important thing
we do here at Heimlich Hospital.
And what might that be?
Paperwork.
[all gasp]
We haven't done the paperwork.
Paperwork! Yes, of course!
Somebody call Hal.
I will! I'll go get him right now!
[indistinct chatter]
Just a brief pause, ladies and gentlemen.
[frustratedly] A minor interruption.
You may have found a way to stall,
but sooner or later,
the show will go on,
and there will be blood.
Unless...
- [as Klaus] Unless?
- [as Olaf] Unless?
You give me what I want.
We'll stop this operation right now
if you give me the item
you stole
from the Library of Records last night.
It's mine.
Why would we stop? The whole point...
Mine, mine, mine, mine,
- mine, mine, mine, mine!
- [grunts]
[Olaf breathing heavily]
[stammers] If it will save Violet, then...
[gasps] Oh, at last! [Kisses]
This isn't the sugar bowl.
[stammers] Sugar bowl?
That's the Snicket file.
Snicket file? What's this?
You...
Now let Violet go.
[as Mattathias] It has come to
my attention that this man is an impostor.
- [all gasp]
- He is not a doctor at all.
He's two children, neither of which
have graduated from medical school.
[crowd murmuring]
Oh, my gosh, it's those Baudelaires.
[all gasp]
Baudelaires? You're not doctors.
No, they're murderers.
They killed Count Olaf.
- Who?
- He... He's a very handsome actor.
[as Klaus] We didn't kill anybody.
These people disguised my sister
so they could chop off her head.
They did what?
Violet.
[Esmé] Don't be ridiculous.
You're the one
trying to saw off her head. Look.
I think it's best
the children come along with me.
Not that I would believe a stranger
over you Baudelaires,
but if you're not murderers,
why sneak into the hospital in disguise?
I think I can explain that.
- We're glad to see you.
- [all gasp]
Well, I'm glad to see you, too,
even if you are a bit blurry.
I thought for sure
you would have snuck away
after your prolonged
and treacherous vandalism.
Vandalism? That's terrible.
It was terrible.
These three Baudelaire murderers
pretended to be volunteers.
[Esmé gasps]
They made a fake key ring
and switched it for the real one,
so that they could break
into the Library of Records
and destroy any files about their crimes.
I thought you were my friends.
We didn't mean to destroy anything.
I'm sorry we tricked you,
and I am so sorry about your library,
but we're not the real criminals here.
[breathes heavily]
The real criminals are...
Where's Count Olaf?
[indistinct chatter]
I suppose I should start at the beginning.
But, before I do,
I have an important update.
It seems there may have been
a survivor of the fire.
[as Olaf] What?
- [VFD agent] Did you say...
- That's right.
[Olaf and VFD agent] I can't believe it.
This changes everything.
[groans]
[yelling]
[over PA] Attention.
This is Dr. Mattathias Medical School,
with some very important news.
A terrible fire has broken out
- in the Heimlich Hospital.
- [all gasp]
The fire was set in the Library of Records
by the Baudelaire murderers.
Please arrest them and bring them to me.
Oh, and you might want
to evacuate the building.
Or move the patients or something.
Thank you.
We couldn't have started that fire.
We've been in this theater.
Surround them!
Capture those Baudelaires!
We'll perform surgery on all three of you.
What? No,
the children will go to prison, of course.
They'll be in juvenile detention
until they come of age.
They should be tried as adults.
[white-faced woman 2]
Murderers should get the chair.
These are just children!
Very small chairs, then.
Go!
- Hal, please.
- You destroyed my library.
- [crunches]
- Ow! The baby bit me!
[Mr. Poe] Get the Baudelaires!
[alarm blaring]
Don't let them get away!
Tackle them!
- This is like PE class all over again.
- [volunteer] Murderers!
[hook-handed man] Get 'em!
- We're in trouble.
- I see that.
[volunteers] ♪ The hospital
Is burning down ♪
♪ It really is a shame ♪
♪ And the worst part is
The Baudelaires are totally to blame ♪
[Sunny babbles]
This way. This way.
- [bangs]
- Now I need a doctor.
We need your help.
The hospital is on fire.
We have to get out.
- I'll try. How high up are we?
- Uh...
Uh, thirty, forty feet. Too high to jump.
There's a crowd, too.
[knocking at door]
Open up in there.
No.
Please?
[breathing heavily]
- The film, do you have it?
- We had to give it to Esmé.
We have to focus on getting out.
I don't have my ribbon.
[sighs in relief] Thank you, Sunny.
I know it's silly, but it helps.
[volunteers singing]
The surgical tubing.
Tie it up, make a cord.
♪ ...and soon it will be ashes ♪
♪ All the patients have to leave
Even those with rashes ♪
I'll tie it to the pipe
with the Devil's Tongue knot
- so we can break our fall.
- Is that safe?
Many people jump from high places
on long, rubbery cords for fun.
We can do it to escape.
- If it's 40 feet, we won't make it.
- If it's 30, we might.
- We won't leave you behind again.
- I'll hold on to you.
[woman] Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
I have butterflies in my stomach.
Hold on tight.
Here I am. Nurse Lucafont.
[Lemony] Many things in this world
I do not know.
I don't know exactly how caterpillars know
to create their cocoons.
I don't know how
some people are brave enough
to follow their passion
in a world set out to destroy them.
Oh, not again.
I do not know
where the Baudelaire children are
or if they are safe or alive.
There is one thing I do know.
The window in the supply closet
in the Ward for People with Nasty Rashes
in Heimlich Hospital
is not 30 or 40 feet off the ground.
It's 20, which is one foot higher
than the length of the cord.
So when the children leapt
into the smoky air,
Violet's invention worked perfectly.
Ow!
We survived.
That really stung.
Act casual.
- Keep your eyes open for the Baudelaires.
- I'll find them. I know I will.
[both panting]
Hurry up or I'll leave you behind.
Coming! Open the trunk.
I'll throw these costumes in.
This is horrific.
We never found the sugar bowl
after the librarian told us it was here.
- It's worse than that.
- I know,
and the Baudelaire brats escaped again.
It's very, very worse than that.
There may be a survivor
of the Baudelaire fire.
[Violet panting]
The police and the fire department
are here.
They already think we're murderers.
Now they'll think we're arsonists.
We need an escape.
- I think we already have one.
- [Klaus] What?
We can't wander the Hinterlands,
hoping we don't get captured.
Getting into that trunk
is getting captured.
[murmuring impatiently]
Get in the car this instant!
I'm leaving on the count of three.
Just one second, boss.
We're waiting for you-know-who.
One.
Stings real bad.
- Two!
- [henchperson] Oh.
[panting] What choice do we have?
[car door closes]
Three.
What's next, boss?
How should I know? I'm not...
psychic.
[indistinct shouting]
[Babs] Oh!
[Mr. Poe coughing] Let me help you.
My paperwork, my clipboard, it's all gone.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I've lost a lot of paperwork myself...
and three orphans.
[engine rattling]
I guess we're still on the lam.
We're alive, and we're together.
I am alone this evening,
alone because of a cruel twist of fate,
a phrase which means nothing has gone
the way I thought it would.
I was once a content man
with a comfortable home,
a successful career,
a woman that I loved very much,
and an extremely reliable typewriter.
But it's all gone,
and all I have
to remember those happy days
is this tattoo on my ankle.
It's all gone. It's all gone.
Sometimes life feels like
some dismal story
presented as entertainment
by some cruel and invisible author.
It isn't a pleasant way to feel.
But what choice do we have?
[theme music playing]