A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript
- We didn't find the Quagmires.
- Not yet.
They could be anywhere.
Anywhere but 667 Dark Avenue,
so we learned something.
Not enough.
Those poor children,
they must be so scared right now,
and all alone.
You found us.
This story is not about a happy reunion.
I'm so happy to see you.
I've never been so happy to see anyone.
I've read hundreds of newspaper articles,
diaries,
and more than one
lavishly illustrated catalog
in an attempt to understand the sad story
of the Baudelaire orphans.
The horrors I have found
are best expressed not with words
but with a sound you'll hear
later in this episode.
It's the sound
of a long scream in the dark.
As the Baudelaires rejoiced
at finding their friends...
- How did you find us?
- It was Klaus' idea.
It was Violet's invention.
They had no inkling of the terror...
The horror...
and the dramatic fall
they would experience
in this elevator shaft
before this episode
in their lives was over.
If you continue to watch,
you may find yourself screaming as well.
Can you pick this lock?
Not without any tools.
I wish I could see what's down here.
Try this.
See the markings? If you line them up...
And give it
a half-turn counterclockwise.
We learned that in The Incomplete
History of Secret Organizations.
You found it?
Right before we were kidnapped.
We took as many notes as we could.
We may be kidnap victims,
but I'm still a journalist.
- We've learned many haunting secrets.
- About our parents. And your parents, too.
We were right. Everything is connected.
Well, what did you learn?
Tell us when you're safe.
We heard Olaf's plan.
He'll hide us in an item at the In Auction
and sneak us out of the city tomorrow.
No, he's not.
You're coming with us, right now.
I think it's an electromagnetic circuit.
It's not just light, it's heat.
I wonder...
The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations
said it can be used
for all sorts of things.
Maybe it can melt the lock.
- Did it melt?
- No. It just got hotter.
It's not gonna work.
I can feel it overheating.
There must be something else you can use.
Can you hand me that newspaper?
Heat rises.
What?
- We have to go back to that penthouse.
- You're leaving?
We're gonna find something there
to get you out.
Gather the handkerchief
as tight as you can.
- I see what you mean. Heat rises.
- And so will we.
Sunny and I should stay here.
No, Klaus. Help your sister.
Just come back soon.
- We will.
- We promise.
You saved us at Prufrock.
We'd be in Olaf's clutches if not for you.
- So I'm sure you know.
- What?
What friends are for.
- Hey! You!
- Is just handsome foreign man
and pretty lady dragging
someone unconscious, please.
I thought it might be
something suspicious.
There's still a citywide manhunt.
Did you have a nice evening, Mrs. Squalor?
Oh, my, yes.
There's nothing quite like
a luxurious 46-course lunch
followed by hot pickled fish
and lengthy musical numbers.
You flatter me, please.
Now drag the snoring husband upstairs,
pretty lady.
- I must make arrangements here.
- Righto.
Come on, Jerome. Up, up!
Sorry for being suspicious.
You can't be too careful
with an actor on the loose.
I couldn't agree more.
Let's hope we make it to the top
before the Squalors and Olaf get home.
Can you smell smoke?
The handkerchief!
The fabric is burning.
The heat is too intense.
- What do we do?
- I need to moderate the temperature.
It has to be hot enough to rise
but not so hot that it burns.
That sounds very specific.
- How far from the top are we?
- Not close enough.
How high up are we?
I'm gonna fix this.
Come on.
If I turn it on and off,
it might stabilize.
Okay, okay. It's... it's working.
If we maintain a consistent heat level,
we should make it.
For a second, I thought we...
Sunny.
I saw a circular saw in the penthouse.
We can use it to cut the bars.
- Olaf.
- He can't know we've found them.
- Jerome!
- What happened to him?
Nothing to worry about, darlings.
He just collapsed in the middle of dinner.
- Collapsed?
- Fell sound asleep.
You should be asleep, too.
It's whatever time it is.
- Is Gunther here?
- Who? No, no.
Do you smell something? Like a...
school librarian smell?
- Jerome, wake up.
- Let him rest.
Sleep is natural,
like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.
- We need to tell him something important.
- Tell me. I'm important.
And you're important to me.
I know I seem
like an insanely powerful woman
who spends too much time at work
and too much money on earrings.
But I'm also your guardian.
You can tell me anything.
Well, you might not believe us.
Try me.
"Opening night at Herring Houdini was
a success the size of the Hindenburg."
"This fishy, very in restaurant
attracted a crowd ranging
from the city's most prominent bankers
to the most prominent financial advisors."
- Herring Houdini.
- It's me, idiot.
- Oh, hey!
- Something's fishy.
Why are you hanging
around that restaurant?
- I'm sorry.
- There's a new plan.
- Get a big net. And fast. Goodbye.
- The biggest net we can find. Okay. Bye.
He already hung up. Okay.
Hey! Get the net!
This is terrible. Let me understand.
Gunther is Olaf in disguise?
His boot covers his tattoo,
and his sunglasses hide his eyebrow.
He's hidden your friends in a cage
at the bottom of my elevator.
There's no elevator
behind those doors. It's ersatz.
Gesundheit.
He plans to sneak them
out of town at the In Auction
by hiding them inside an item
in this glossy, classy catalog?
This is the least in thing
I have ever heard.
This is a complicated plot.
I'm surprised children
like yourselves figured it out.
Your bravery and smarts are remarkable.
I need a drink.
Parsley soda.
The Daily Punctilio says it's
the innest thing since aqueous martinis.
- Try it.
- No, thank...
Try it.
- What do you think?
- It tastes like parsley.
Isn't it remarkable?
I taste the same thing.
- Mrs. Squalor...
- Esmé.
- Esmé.
- I know what you're going to say.
There isn't time
to drink savory beverages.
We must end this terrible scheme.
We will have Gunther arrested
and the Quagmires set free.
Put down your drinks.
There's no time to waste.
We've got to tell the police
as quickly as possible.
Luckily,
the nearest police station isn't far away.
It's too bad we've got to
take all those stairs again.
We could slide down the banister,
which would be quicker,
though less dignified.
Oh! I know! We'll take the elevator.
In times of dire circumstance,
I have to remind myself that whatever
distress or heartbreak I might experience,
I can take some comfort that I am not,
as the Baudelaires once were,
falling down an elevator shaft
for an interminable amount of time...
...only to land
with a sort of panicky relief into a net.
- We're okay.
- What?
We're okay. We landed in a net.
We're not okay. We're not half-okay.
We're not even 1/27th okay.
Our friends are kidnapped
and our guardian threw us
down an elevator shaft!
We're alive.
You are alive, Baudelaires,
but you are definitely not okay.
You and the Quagmires
are going to be smuggled out of town,
and I can guarantee
that you orphans will never be okay again!
What...
Line?
- "What a wonderful..."
- Yes, yes, yes.
What a wonderful and profitable day!
Count Olaf, my former acting coach,
will finally get his hands on not one
but two enormous fortunes!
Your former acting coach?
You knew Gunther's identity
the entire time?
Course I did. I'm an actor.
I was acting.
I had to fool you
and my dim-witted husband
into thinking he was an auctioneer.
You really are starting
to grow as a thesbian.
Thesbian?
Well, I do love horses.
You are our guardian!
You're supposed to keep us safe,
not throw us down elevator shafts,
work with villains
and try to steal our fortune!
But I want to steal from you.
I want to steal from you
the way Beatrice stole from me!
What did you say?
- I barely know anything about any of this.
- Let me bring you up to speed.
The Quagmire kidnapping
is the result of a murder
which is the result of an arson,
a moving violation,
a misdemeanor, two poison darts,
three civil suits and a stolen object.
The world is complicated.
- That's usually the case.
- Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Maybe I should go back to my library,
where things are safe and organized,
if also lonely and unfulfilled.
As a cab driver, I have to take you
where you want to go.
But as a volunteer,
I don't want to take you back to Prufrock.
- You're needed, Olivia Caliban.
- Why?
I can show you, but once you see it,
it'll be hard to turn back.
Is it far?
I'll have to turn back.
Hang on to something sturdy.
A story that began with a stolen object,
a moving violation, a misdemeanor,
two poison darts and three civil suits,
settled out of court...
Ends with three orphans in a net
and two more being dragged
to the auction house.
I love a happy ending.
It's like Wuthering Heights,
which I never read.
Olaf, darling, it's been
so lonely living in a penthouse
with nothing but insane wealth and luxury,
and a husband I married
for complicated reasons
and also an elevator.
If I knew adopting the Baudelaires
would bring you back,
I would've orphaned them myself.
To the star of a citywide manhunt
and the incredibly stylish woman
who found him again after all this time.
To us, my darling,
and to the taste of victory.
What's in this?
- It's parsley, darling. Parsley soda.
- Parsley? Why would...
Hmm...
Have you never heard of banana daiquiris?
- Bananas aren't in.
- We'll see about that.
Now that we've fooled the city
and knocked your husband unconscious,
I think it's time...
Oh.
For a little...
Celebratory dancing.
- What?
- If you're up for it.
Oh.
Okay, yes. Dancing sounds fun.
Why? What did you...
Dancing, yes!
Dancing. That's what I was...
An evening of dancing.
- Duncan?
- Isadora?
Why aren't they answering?
Maybe Olaf took them
when he set up this net.
We won't know unless we go down.
- We could use this net as a climbing rope.
- It might not be long enough.
- Or strong enough.
- If we can't go down, can we go up?
The piping is too small to grip.
Unless you had...
Very small hands.
- Sunny, no!
- Sunny, it's too dangerous.
- Sunny, no!
- Sunny!
I can't believe it.
That our baby sister
is climbing up an elevator shaft
- with the help of her teeth?
- I can't believe any of it.
It may be difficult to believe,
but at any moment,
someone somewhere is
in a dangerous situation
and other people in some other place
are dancing and having a good time.
The world is often like this.
A celebration here,
terrible trouble just outside the door,
but elsewhere,
a chance to end a villain's treachery.
- Let's do some reading.
- A kidnapping underground...
- It's this way.
- Are you sure? Let me see the map.
Let us out.
You won't get away with this.
And in a penthouse...
a daring escape.
The management regrets
it cannot allow orphans to escape.
What does "perfidy" mean?
Oh.
You're clever,
and you're good with your teeth.
Play your cards right, you could join us
instead of surrendering your fortune
and your life.
Where do you think you're going? Hey!
We've been dancing a while.
Maybe we could...
Twirl? Absolutely.
Darling, these boots must be killing you.
- Why don't you unlace them and...
- High kick? I couldn't agree more!
I'm coming for you, baby!
- Do you hear something?
- Probably the maracas.
You are in big trouble!
What am I supposed to do with this?
Oh.
Oh, no!
You're not bribing your way out of this.
How will I explain
why you're not in that shaft?
Oh, well, that worked out.
- I think I found something.
- "VFD."
The Quagmires said it
when they were kidnapped.
- It must be important.
- Olaf must be using Lot 49
to smuggle them out of town.
- What does VFD stand for?
- I wish I knew.
- You're safe.
- Did you get help?
- The Devil's Tongue knot?
- The Devil's Tongue knot.
They're gone. We left them alone,
and we've lost them again.
We haven't lost them yet.
- We don't know where it goes.
- We know where he's taking them.
Veblen Hall.
I hope there's a way up soon.
It's almost morning.
Why would there be a secret passage here?
Do you think Jerome knows?
I bet Esmé does.
That's probably why Count Olaf knows.
- What do you think Esmé meant...
- Look.
Ashes?
- That was Olaf.
- Are you sure?
You saw the tattoo. Who else could it be?
- Now I know.
- Now you know.
- But a sugar bowl?
- A sugar bowl.
It's hard to believe something so small
could cause so much devastation.
Or the loss of so many lives.
I'm not gonna lie.
What we do is dangerous.
I've lost friends, associates...
- Even a brother.
- Then why do it?
Someone has to take up the torch.
There are fires all over, Olivia,
and we need people
who know how to put them out.
I believe you are one of those people.
This started with a sugar bowl
stolen from Esmé Squalor,
but it can end with Count Olaf.
- You're with us?
- I'm with you.
- To the bitter end?
- Will it be bitter?
- We won't know until we get there.
- How fast?
How fast can you drive?
Maybe the Quagmires are up there.
- What?
- How?
- It's our home.
- Why would there be a secret tunnel
from an elevator shaft
at 667 Dark Avenue...
to our home?
"What does it mean?"
I wish I could answer
Sunny Baudelaire's important question.
Opening a secret hatch
into the remains of the Baudelaire home
is like opening a mysterious box
that I have had in my possession
for many years.
Inside the box is a map.
I have spent many hours
going over the dotted lines
indicating the underground tunnel
that begins at the ersatz elevator shaft
of 667 Dark Avenue
and leads to the Baudelaire home.
- Our parents couldn't have known.
- Could they?
Sunny's right. We'd better hurry.
The auction already started.
The auction,
please, has started.
As you can see, Lot Número One-o
is a wanted poster for notorious
good-looking villain named Count Olaf.
Let's start it at five. Do we hear five?
Five?
Is that a... No.
Four and a half? It's beautiful poster.
We could add a pack of gum.
Out of the way!
I'm trying to get somewhere quickly.
Mr. Poe?
Baudelaires?
Why are you here and so dusty?
"Baudelaire Orphans
Covered in Ashes!"
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!
There's no time to explain.
You need to give us a ride.
I can't possibly give you a ride.
- I'm running late to the In Auction.
- That's where we need to go.
I don't know, dear.
It says the auction is invitation only.
Oh, no. It's a charitable function,
so let's be charitable.
I'll try and get you in as my guests.
Don't get ashes on the upholstery.
This red herring fish
will be a lovely addition to any home
or place of business or,
how do you say, dentist office lobby.
- In old country, fish is called seafood.
- Good point, Gunther.
The catalog lists a solid gold salmon,
but we threw that in the garbage
now that herring is in.
We need to bid on an item.
Oh... I don't think so.
I'm glad you're showing interest
in activities of the upper-middle class,
but I can't condone spending
large sums of money on frivolous items.
Look, dear,
a wooden spoon with googly eyes!
We'll bid high.
Enjoy the show.
Halt there. You're not on the list.
Olaf wants us captured.
If you let us in...
- That's like capturing us.
- I need to think about this.
Excuse me, but we're wealthy
and don't like to wait.
I hear eight and a half.
Eight and a half from Mr. Fellini.
I'd like to bid on that red herring
for Herring Houdini, where I work.
Sold! To restaurant person
for unknown amount to be paid later.
Next item is Lot 48.
A vase adorned with flower things.
Very fragile, very in.
I bid 20!
We proceed as normal, please,
to the crying of Lot 49.
- Lot 49. That's VFD.
- We're not too late.
Can we use our fortune to bid?
Your parents' will has
no provision for public sales.
Can't you bid on it for us?
Our friends' lives depend on it.
You shouldn't use hyperbole.
But I could make a modest bid.
I did receive that promotion.
- Yes, you did.
- What in the world is VFD?
Larry Your-Waiter.
Did you get past the bouncer?
Not yet. He has to let me in.
I'm on the list.
Yessica Haircut.
Our agents infiltrated the auction.
If we hurry, we can help.
- I'm going 60 in a 55 zone.
- Floor it.
This lengthy chronicle of woe
and unpleasantness ends today.
VFD, of course, needs no introduction,
as is known all over the world
in countries that are foreign
and not so foreign.
Parsley soda?
As you see, is prime specimen, this VFD.
Very large with a few air holes
poked in the top at the last minute.
Ladies, please turn
the box around on all sides
so everyone can see all of the angles.
Actually, I identify as a man.
Where is women of advanced age, please?
And the other guy?
One with, how do you say,
alternative fingers?
Let's start the bidding.
Yes, Gunther. That's what
any legitimate auctioneer would do.
Very well, please.
What is first bid, please?
I bid 20.
- Fifty.
- Fifty-five.
We have a bid of 55 from unhelpful banker.
Sixty!
- You're bidding against me.
- It'd look nice in the powder room.
- Seventy.
- Eighty.
- Ninety.
- Oh, goodness.
It's getting expensive.
Are you sure you want it?
- Please, Mr. Poe.
- Very well, then.
One hundred. And that's my final offer!
- 112.
- 113.
- 119.
- 121.
120.
Darling, 120 is less than 121.
- It is?
- Yes!
Okay, sorry. I bid 200.
What do I care? It's not my money.
I'm sorry, but I cannot
let you bid any higher.
- I don't want to spoil you.
- Let someone else have a turn.
I have bid of 200, please,
from someone who will be yelled at later.
- Pack it up and take it away, please.
- Not so fast.
- Jerome?
- Yes, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.
I could not get off the sofa.
It must have been something I ate.
I've had pickled herring problems myself.
Hello, everyone. I'm Jerome,
and I am proudly a legal guardian
of Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.
In the short time
they have been under my care,
I have been impressed
with their intelligence,
their fortitude and their charm.
At least while I was awake.
They're noble children,
like their parents.
Therefore, if they're interested in
a cardboard box with air holes in it,
I'm going to make sure they get it.
204!
Love of my life, don't be an idiot.
You don't know what is going on. 205.
Esmé, love of my life, I am tired
of being treated this way. 206.
Well, maybe I'm tired of you! 207!
Maybe I'm tired of both of you! 208.
I'm tired of failure and hopelessness
in the face of treachery and doom! 209!
I'm tired of self-indulgent
existential crises
and an overabundance
of hardcover books! 210.
212!
Snicket.
You're not on the list. 213!
I have a splitting headache.
214 and a half!
I have a degree
in welterweight boxing. 215!
So do we! 216!
I don't know why my secretary
is fighting those two old ladies! 217!
218 that I took from my husband's wallet!
219!
A quarter past 11:00.
I got quarter past 11:00
from person I no longer have to yell at!
Going once, going twice...
What did she say?
She said 1,000.
Oh!
Where did Sunny get that kind of money?
She was a receptionist in boarding school,
but I had no idea
her salary was that high.
The bid is 1,000.
Please. Let the little baby
give the big money to the pretty lady,
and the auction is over.
The only thing that's over
is your horrible plan.
How dare you?
Ah-ah-ah.
You can't open this box until
you give me the money. That's illegal.
- What's illegal is auctioning children.
- Not everywhere.
The room will see you've broken the law
and our friends are in this box.
The Quagmires? Wait till the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!
- Baudelaires!
- Duncan!
- Isadora!
- Quagmires! Quagmires!
- Doilies?
- Inside the box were... doilies?
Of course! "Very fancy doilies."
What else could VFD stand for?
Yes. What in the world, please,
could VFD stand for, dusty orphans?
Someone put these children
in a long black automobile.
They're dirty
and their clothes are frayed.
- So are his!
- Frayed? I'm afraid not.
Whoa! I'm a... Oh!
He has an eye tattoo on his ankle!
He's not Gunther!
He's not a foreigner at all!
Arrest this man!
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio read about this!
Calm down, everyone!
Don't blame foreigners for your problems.
He's not a foreigner! He's from
the same country as we're in right now!
That's no reason to arrest someone.
He's a criminal. That's enough.
Klaus is right!
He's the subject of a citywide manhunt!
He's a source of pain and suffering,
not to mention hours of negotiations
at Mulctuary Money Management.
Wait! Before you rush to judgment,
there's something I need to share.
All my life,
I've climbed the ladder of success
armed only with ruthless ambition
and a large inheritance.
I've paid my dues for weeks
to become the city's
sixth most important financial advisor,
to become this statuesque powerhouse
that stands gorgeously before you.
I had the whole world
at my remarkably small feet. And yet...
I had a feeling
there was something missing.
It wasn't until I opened my home
to three orphans
that I realized just exactly what it was.
Aw!
It was Count Olaf! He's a genius!
He's a wonderful acting coach!
He's back in my life
after many lonely and successful years,
helping me pursue single-minded,
cold-hearted,
perhaps slightly overzealous revenge.
My boyfriend, Count Olaf.
The handsomest, innest man in town.
How could you say something like that?
You're my wife!
And besides,
ruthless kidnappers aren't in!
How right you are. We're not in.
We're out. Out of the city, that is!
Come on, Esmé!
Don't let the despicable man
escape for a sixth time!
- It's all over.
- Veblen Hall is the end of the line.
"Veblen Hall Out,
Milton Friedman Hall In!"
No. No!
We better clear out
before we're swimming upstream.
- What about Olaf?
- I know where to find him.
Veblen Hall might be the end of the line,
but it's the start of a tunnel.
They have our friends.
But you said the Quagmires
were inside that box of doilies.
- I guess that wasn't his plan.
- That wasn't his plan.
- It was a red herring.
- It was a red herring.
Red herring.
Red herring!
The words "red herring" do not only refer
to a type of foraging fish
that may have a crimson hue
due to being smoked or painted
with excessive nail polish.
They can also refer to a distracting
or misleading clue,
such as a box marked VFD that had
nothing to do with a secret organization
or a pair of kidnapped triplets.
For instance, if I told you
that two brave and noble volunteers
were giving chase to Count Olaf
and his kidnapping victims...
- By George!
- Heavens to Betsy!
That's not my name either.
That would be a red herring,
because it would imply
that Olaf was about to be captured,
which, I'm sorry to say, was not the case.
If I told you the city's
most prominent journalists
and banking vice presidents
were also giving chase...
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio
hear about whatever just happened.
That would be a red herring.
It would imply the Quagmires
were about to be rescued,
which I'm sorrier to say
was also not the case.
- Duncan!
- Isadora!
If I told you the Baudelaires
were about to be offered a safe home,
that would be a red herring, too.
Baudelaires! Baudelaires,
it's not safe for you to chase
a dangerous villain or her boyfriend.
We need to rescue our friends.
Let the authorities.
It's a citywide manhunt.
Olaf was here
and the authorities didn't notice.
Don't be hard on them.
You didn't recognize Olaf
until it was too late.
But I'm awake now, from Esmé's treachery
and after a very long nap,
and I'm still your guardian.
And from now on, I promise
you can forget all about Count Olaf.
We'll never forget about him.
We'll never forget our friends.
We have to rescue them.
And find the truth about the tunnel
between your elevator and our house.
You are in far too much danger,
Baudelaires.
I know you're worried about your friends.
I know.
But let other people
track down Count Olaf.
- Let me keep you safe.
- Nowhere is safe with Olaf at large.
We'll never be happy
if our friends are in danger.
We are going to find them.
You can help us.
Please?
I wish I had your courage.
Your mother always said
I wasn't brave enough.
I guess she was right.
She was also right about Esmé,
who only married me
for my underground tunnel.
I wish you luck.
I think you're going to need it.
- Where is Mr. Squalor going?
- It doesn't matter.
I don't think he wants
to be our guardian anymore.
Normally, that would be cause for alarm,
but we at Mulctuary Money Management
are exploring guardian options
after an uptick in mysterious fires
destroying people's homes.
There's a town far, far from here offering
to care for our orphaned clientele.
A town with a name that I find
both curious and somewhat familiar,
VFD.
- So what do you think?
- Yes.
Lovely.
If I told you that the next destination
for the Baudelaires was labeled VFD,
that too might be
something of a red herring,
because it would imply
that at the conclusion
of this fraught
and frightening episode in their lives,
they were the only ones
heading that direction.
Because while the Baudelaire orphans
would soon be far, far away from here,
they would also be far, far from alone.
Where do you think he'd head?
Somewhere far from here.
But he'd be far from alone.
- And the Baudelaires?
- Their story's not over.
Then what are we waiting for?
A red herring.
- Not yet.
They could be anywhere.
Anywhere but 667 Dark Avenue,
so we learned something.
Not enough.
Those poor children,
they must be so scared right now,
and all alone.
You found us.
This story is not about a happy reunion.
I'm so happy to see you.
I've never been so happy to see anyone.
I've read hundreds of newspaper articles,
diaries,
and more than one
lavishly illustrated catalog
in an attempt to understand the sad story
of the Baudelaire orphans.
The horrors I have found
are best expressed not with words
but with a sound you'll hear
later in this episode.
It's the sound
of a long scream in the dark.
As the Baudelaires rejoiced
at finding their friends...
- How did you find us?
- It was Klaus' idea.
It was Violet's invention.
They had no inkling of the terror...
The horror...
and the dramatic fall
they would experience
in this elevator shaft
before this episode
in their lives was over.
If you continue to watch,
you may find yourself screaming as well.
Can you pick this lock?
Not without any tools.
I wish I could see what's down here.
Try this.
See the markings? If you line them up...
And give it
a half-turn counterclockwise.
We learned that in The Incomplete
History of Secret Organizations.
You found it?
Right before we were kidnapped.
We took as many notes as we could.
We may be kidnap victims,
but I'm still a journalist.
- We've learned many haunting secrets.
- About our parents. And your parents, too.
We were right. Everything is connected.
Well, what did you learn?
Tell us when you're safe.
We heard Olaf's plan.
He'll hide us in an item at the In Auction
and sneak us out of the city tomorrow.
No, he's not.
You're coming with us, right now.
I think it's an electromagnetic circuit.
It's not just light, it's heat.
I wonder...
The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations
said it can be used
for all sorts of things.
Maybe it can melt the lock.
- Did it melt?
- No. It just got hotter.
It's not gonna work.
I can feel it overheating.
There must be something else you can use.
Can you hand me that newspaper?
Heat rises.
What?
- We have to go back to that penthouse.
- You're leaving?
We're gonna find something there
to get you out.
Gather the handkerchief
as tight as you can.
- I see what you mean. Heat rises.
- And so will we.
Sunny and I should stay here.
No, Klaus. Help your sister.
Just come back soon.
- We will.
- We promise.
You saved us at Prufrock.
We'd be in Olaf's clutches if not for you.
- So I'm sure you know.
- What?
What friends are for.
- Hey! You!
- Is just handsome foreign man
and pretty lady dragging
someone unconscious, please.
I thought it might be
something suspicious.
There's still a citywide manhunt.
Did you have a nice evening, Mrs. Squalor?
Oh, my, yes.
There's nothing quite like
a luxurious 46-course lunch
followed by hot pickled fish
and lengthy musical numbers.
You flatter me, please.
Now drag the snoring husband upstairs,
pretty lady.
- I must make arrangements here.
- Righto.
Come on, Jerome. Up, up!
Sorry for being suspicious.
You can't be too careful
with an actor on the loose.
I couldn't agree more.
Let's hope we make it to the top
before the Squalors and Olaf get home.
Can you smell smoke?
The handkerchief!
The fabric is burning.
The heat is too intense.
- What do we do?
- I need to moderate the temperature.
It has to be hot enough to rise
but not so hot that it burns.
That sounds very specific.
- How far from the top are we?
- Not close enough.
How high up are we?
I'm gonna fix this.
Come on.
If I turn it on and off,
it might stabilize.
Okay, okay. It's... it's working.
If we maintain a consistent heat level,
we should make it.
For a second, I thought we...
Sunny.
I saw a circular saw in the penthouse.
We can use it to cut the bars.
- Olaf.
- He can't know we've found them.
- Jerome!
- What happened to him?
Nothing to worry about, darlings.
He just collapsed in the middle of dinner.
- Collapsed?
- Fell sound asleep.
You should be asleep, too.
It's whatever time it is.
- Is Gunther here?
- Who? No, no.
Do you smell something? Like a...
school librarian smell?
- Jerome, wake up.
- Let him rest.
Sleep is natural,
like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.
- We need to tell him something important.
- Tell me. I'm important.
And you're important to me.
I know I seem
like an insanely powerful woman
who spends too much time at work
and too much money on earrings.
But I'm also your guardian.
You can tell me anything.
Well, you might not believe us.
Try me.
"Opening night at Herring Houdini was
a success the size of the Hindenburg."
"This fishy, very in restaurant
attracted a crowd ranging
from the city's most prominent bankers
to the most prominent financial advisors."
- Herring Houdini.
- It's me, idiot.
- Oh, hey!
- Something's fishy.
Why are you hanging
around that restaurant?
- I'm sorry.
- There's a new plan.
- Get a big net. And fast. Goodbye.
- The biggest net we can find. Okay. Bye.
He already hung up. Okay.
Hey! Get the net!
This is terrible. Let me understand.
Gunther is Olaf in disguise?
His boot covers his tattoo,
and his sunglasses hide his eyebrow.
He's hidden your friends in a cage
at the bottom of my elevator.
There's no elevator
behind those doors. It's ersatz.
Gesundheit.
He plans to sneak them
out of town at the In Auction
by hiding them inside an item
in this glossy, classy catalog?
This is the least in thing
I have ever heard.
This is a complicated plot.
I'm surprised children
like yourselves figured it out.
Your bravery and smarts are remarkable.
I need a drink.
Parsley soda.
The Daily Punctilio says it's
the innest thing since aqueous martinis.
- Try it.
- No, thank...
Try it.
- What do you think?
- It tastes like parsley.
Isn't it remarkable?
I taste the same thing.
- Mrs. Squalor...
- Esmé.
- Esmé.
- I know what you're going to say.
There isn't time
to drink savory beverages.
We must end this terrible scheme.
We will have Gunther arrested
and the Quagmires set free.
Put down your drinks.
There's no time to waste.
We've got to tell the police
as quickly as possible.
Luckily,
the nearest police station isn't far away.
It's too bad we've got to
take all those stairs again.
We could slide down the banister,
which would be quicker,
though less dignified.
Oh! I know! We'll take the elevator.
In times of dire circumstance,
I have to remind myself that whatever
distress or heartbreak I might experience,
I can take some comfort that I am not,
as the Baudelaires once were,
falling down an elevator shaft
for an interminable amount of time...
...only to land
with a sort of panicky relief into a net.
- We're okay.
- What?
We're okay. We landed in a net.
We're not okay. We're not half-okay.
We're not even 1/27th okay.
Our friends are kidnapped
and our guardian threw us
down an elevator shaft!
We're alive.
You are alive, Baudelaires,
but you are definitely not okay.
You and the Quagmires
are going to be smuggled out of town,
and I can guarantee
that you orphans will never be okay again!
What...
Line?
- "What a wonderful..."
- Yes, yes, yes.
What a wonderful and profitable day!
Count Olaf, my former acting coach,
will finally get his hands on not one
but two enormous fortunes!
Your former acting coach?
You knew Gunther's identity
the entire time?
Course I did. I'm an actor.
I was acting.
I had to fool you
and my dim-witted husband
into thinking he was an auctioneer.
You really are starting
to grow as a thesbian.
Thesbian?
Well, I do love horses.
You are our guardian!
You're supposed to keep us safe,
not throw us down elevator shafts,
work with villains
and try to steal our fortune!
But I want to steal from you.
I want to steal from you
the way Beatrice stole from me!
What did you say?
- I barely know anything about any of this.
- Let me bring you up to speed.
The Quagmire kidnapping
is the result of a murder
which is the result of an arson,
a moving violation,
a misdemeanor, two poison darts,
three civil suits and a stolen object.
The world is complicated.
- That's usually the case.
- Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Maybe I should go back to my library,
where things are safe and organized,
if also lonely and unfulfilled.
As a cab driver, I have to take you
where you want to go.
But as a volunteer,
I don't want to take you back to Prufrock.
- You're needed, Olivia Caliban.
- Why?
I can show you, but once you see it,
it'll be hard to turn back.
Is it far?
I'll have to turn back.
Hang on to something sturdy.
A story that began with a stolen object,
a moving violation, a misdemeanor,
two poison darts and three civil suits,
settled out of court...
Ends with three orphans in a net
and two more being dragged
to the auction house.
I love a happy ending.
It's like Wuthering Heights,
which I never read.
Olaf, darling, it's been
so lonely living in a penthouse
with nothing but insane wealth and luxury,
and a husband I married
for complicated reasons
and also an elevator.
If I knew adopting the Baudelaires
would bring you back,
I would've orphaned them myself.
To the star of a citywide manhunt
and the incredibly stylish woman
who found him again after all this time.
To us, my darling,
and to the taste of victory.
What's in this?
- It's parsley, darling. Parsley soda.
- Parsley? Why would...
Hmm...
Have you never heard of banana daiquiris?
- Bananas aren't in.
- We'll see about that.
Now that we've fooled the city
and knocked your husband unconscious,
I think it's time...
Oh.
For a little...
Celebratory dancing.
- What?
- If you're up for it.
Oh.
Okay, yes. Dancing sounds fun.
Why? What did you...
Dancing, yes!
Dancing. That's what I was...
An evening of dancing.
- Duncan?
- Isadora?
Why aren't they answering?
Maybe Olaf took them
when he set up this net.
We won't know unless we go down.
- We could use this net as a climbing rope.
- It might not be long enough.
- Or strong enough.
- If we can't go down, can we go up?
The piping is too small to grip.
Unless you had...
Very small hands.
- Sunny, no!
- Sunny, it's too dangerous.
- Sunny, no!
- Sunny!
I can't believe it.
That our baby sister
is climbing up an elevator shaft
- with the help of her teeth?
- I can't believe any of it.
It may be difficult to believe,
but at any moment,
someone somewhere is
in a dangerous situation
and other people in some other place
are dancing and having a good time.
The world is often like this.
A celebration here,
terrible trouble just outside the door,
but elsewhere,
a chance to end a villain's treachery.
- Let's do some reading.
- A kidnapping underground...
- It's this way.
- Are you sure? Let me see the map.
Let us out.
You won't get away with this.
And in a penthouse...
a daring escape.
The management regrets
it cannot allow orphans to escape.
What does "perfidy" mean?
Oh.
You're clever,
and you're good with your teeth.
Play your cards right, you could join us
instead of surrendering your fortune
and your life.
Where do you think you're going? Hey!
We've been dancing a while.
Maybe we could...
Twirl? Absolutely.
Darling, these boots must be killing you.
- Why don't you unlace them and...
- High kick? I couldn't agree more!
I'm coming for you, baby!
- Do you hear something?
- Probably the maracas.
You are in big trouble!
What am I supposed to do with this?
Oh.
Oh, no!
You're not bribing your way out of this.
How will I explain
why you're not in that shaft?
Oh, well, that worked out.
- I think I found something.
- "VFD."
The Quagmires said it
when they were kidnapped.
- It must be important.
- Olaf must be using Lot 49
to smuggle them out of town.
- What does VFD stand for?
- I wish I knew.
- You're safe.
- Did you get help?
- The Devil's Tongue knot?
- The Devil's Tongue knot.
They're gone. We left them alone,
and we've lost them again.
We haven't lost them yet.
- We don't know where it goes.
- We know where he's taking them.
Veblen Hall.
I hope there's a way up soon.
It's almost morning.
Why would there be a secret passage here?
Do you think Jerome knows?
I bet Esmé does.
That's probably why Count Olaf knows.
- What do you think Esmé meant...
- Look.
Ashes?
- That was Olaf.
- Are you sure?
You saw the tattoo. Who else could it be?
- Now I know.
- Now you know.
- But a sugar bowl?
- A sugar bowl.
It's hard to believe something so small
could cause so much devastation.
Or the loss of so many lives.
I'm not gonna lie.
What we do is dangerous.
I've lost friends, associates...
- Even a brother.
- Then why do it?
Someone has to take up the torch.
There are fires all over, Olivia,
and we need people
who know how to put them out.
I believe you are one of those people.
This started with a sugar bowl
stolen from Esmé Squalor,
but it can end with Count Olaf.
- You're with us?
- I'm with you.
- To the bitter end?
- Will it be bitter?
- We won't know until we get there.
- How fast?
How fast can you drive?
Maybe the Quagmires are up there.
- What?
- How?
- It's our home.
- Why would there be a secret tunnel
from an elevator shaft
at 667 Dark Avenue...
to our home?
"What does it mean?"
I wish I could answer
Sunny Baudelaire's important question.
Opening a secret hatch
into the remains of the Baudelaire home
is like opening a mysterious box
that I have had in my possession
for many years.
Inside the box is a map.
I have spent many hours
going over the dotted lines
indicating the underground tunnel
that begins at the ersatz elevator shaft
of 667 Dark Avenue
and leads to the Baudelaire home.
- Our parents couldn't have known.
- Could they?
Sunny's right. We'd better hurry.
The auction already started.
The auction,
please, has started.
As you can see, Lot Número One-o
is a wanted poster for notorious
good-looking villain named Count Olaf.
Let's start it at five. Do we hear five?
Five?
Is that a... No.
Four and a half? It's beautiful poster.
We could add a pack of gum.
Out of the way!
I'm trying to get somewhere quickly.
Mr. Poe?
Baudelaires?
Why are you here and so dusty?
"Baudelaire Orphans
Covered in Ashes!"
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!
There's no time to explain.
You need to give us a ride.
I can't possibly give you a ride.
- I'm running late to the In Auction.
- That's where we need to go.
I don't know, dear.
It says the auction is invitation only.
Oh, no. It's a charitable function,
so let's be charitable.
I'll try and get you in as my guests.
Don't get ashes on the upholstery.
This red herring fish
will be a lovely addition to any home
or place of business or,
how do you say, dentist office lobby.
- In old country, fish is called seafood.
- Good point, Gunther.
The catalog lists a solid gold salmon,
but we threw that in the garbage
now that herring is in.
We need to bid on an item.
Oh... I don't think so.
I'm glad you're showing interest
in activities of the upper-middle class,
but I can't condone spending
large sums of money on frivolous items.
Look, dear,
a wooden spoon with googly eyes!
We'll bid high.
Enjoy the show.
Halt there. You're not on the list.
Olaf wants us captured.
If you let us in...
- That's like capturing us.
- I need to think about this.
Excuse me, but we're wealthy
and don't like to wait.
I hear eight and a half.
Eight and a half from Mr. Fellini.
I'd like to bid on that red herring
for Herring Houdini, where I work.
Sold! To restaurant person
for unknown amount to be paid later.
Next item is Lot 48.
A vase adorned with flower things.
Very fragile, very in.
I bid 20!
We proceed as normal, please,
to the crying of Lot 49.
- Lot 49. That's VFD.
- We're not too late.
Can we use our fortune to bid?
Your parents' will has
no provision for public sales.
Can't you bid on it for us?
Our friends' lives depend on it.
You shouldn't use hyperbole.
But I could make a modest bid.
I did receive that promotion.
- Yes, you did.
- What in the world is VFD?
Larry Your-Waiter.
Did you get past the bouncer?
Not yet. He has to let me in.
I'm on the list.
Yessica Haircut.
Our agents infiltrated the auction.
If we hurry, we can help.
- I'm going 60 in a 55 zone.
- Floor it.
This lengthy chronicle of woe
and unpleasantness ends today.
VFD, of course, needs no introduction,
as is known all over the world
in countries that are foreign
and not so foreign.
Parsley soda?
As you see, is prime specimen, this VFD.
Very large with a few air holes
poked in the top at the last minute.
Ladies, please turn
the box around on all sides
so everyone can see all of the angles.
Actually, I identify as a man.
Where is women of advanced age, please?
And the other guy?
One with, how do you say,
alternative fingers?
Let's start the bidding.
Yes, Gunther. That's what
any legitimate auctioneer would do.
Very well, please.
What is first bid, please?
I bid 20.
- Fifty.
- Fifty-five.
We have a bid of 55 from unhelpful banker.
Sixty!
- You're bidding against me.
- It'd look nice in the powder room.
- Seventy.
- Eighty.
- Ninety.
- Oh, goodness.
It's getting expensive.
Are you sure you want it?
- Please, Mr. Poe.
- Very well, then.
One hundred. And that's my final offer!
- 112.
- 113.
- 119.
- 121.
120.
Darling, 120 is less than 121.
- It is?
- Yes!
Okay, sorry. I bid 200.
What do I care? It's not my money.
I'm sorry, but I cannot
let you bid any higher.
- I don't want to spoil you.
- Let someone else have a turn.
I have bid of 200, please,
from someone who will be yelled at later.
- Pack it up and take it away, please.
- Not so fast.
- Jerome?
- Yes, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.
I could not get off the sofa.
It must have been something I ate.
I've had pickled herring problems myself.
Hello, everyone. I'm Jerome,
and I am proudly a legal guardian
of Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.
In the short time
they have been under my care,
I have been impressed
with their intelligence,
their fortitude and their charm.
At least while I was awake.
They're noble children,
like their parents.
Therefore, if they're interested in
a cardboard box with air holes in it,
I'm going to make sure they get it.
204!
Love of my life, don't be an idiot.
You don't know what is going on. 205.
Esmé, love of my life, I am tired
of being treated this way. 206.
Well, maybe I'm tired of you! 207!
Maybe I'm tired of both of you! 208.
I'm tired of failure and hopelessness
in the face of treachery and doom! 209!
I'm tired of self-indulgent
existential crises
and an overabundance
of hardcover books! 210.
212!
Snicket.
You're not on the list. 213!
I have a splitting headache.
214 and a half!
I have a degree
in welterweight boxing. 215!
So do we! 216!
I don't know why my secretary
is fighting those two old ladies! 217!
218 that I took from my husband's wallet!
219!
A quarter past 11:00.
I got quarter past 11:00
from person I no longer have to yell at!
Going once, going twice...
What did she say?
She said 1,000.
Oh!
Where did Sunny get that kind of money?
She was a receptionist in boarding school,
but I had no idea
her salary was that high.
The bid is 1,000.
Please. Let the little baby
give the big money to the pretty lady,
and the auction is over.
The only thing that's over
is your horrible plan.
How dare you?
Ah-ah-ah.
You can't open this box until
you give me the money. That's illegal.
- What's illegal is auctioning children.
- Not everywhere.
The room will see you've broken the law
and our friends are in this box.
The Quagmires? Wait till the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!
- Baudelaires!
- Duncan!
- Isadora!
- Quagmires! Quagmires!
- Doilies?
- Inside the box were... doilies?
Of course! "Very fancy doilies."
What else could VFD stand for?
Yes. What in the world, please,
could VFD stand for, dusty orphans?
Someone put these children
in a long black automobile.
They're dirty
and their clothes are frayed.
- So are his!
- Frayed? I'm afraid not.
Whoa! I'm a... Oh!
He has an eye tattoo on his ankle!
He's not Gunther!
He's not a foreigner at all!
Arrest this man!
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio read about this!
Calm down, everyone!
Don't blame foreigners for your problems.
He's not a foreigner! He's from
the same country as we're in right now!
That's no reason to arrest someone.
He's a criminal. That's enough.
Klaus is right!
He's the subject of a citywide manhunt!
He's a source of pain and suffering,
not to mention hours of negotiations
at Mulctuary Money Management.
Wait! Before you rush to judgment,
there's something I need to share.
All my life,
I've climbed the ladder of success
armed only with ruthless ambition
and a large inheritance.
I've paid my dues for weeks
to become the city's
sixth most important financial advisor,
to become this statuesque powerhouse
that stands gorgeously before you.
I had the whole world
at my remarkably small feet. And yet...
I had a feeling
there was something missing.
It wasn't until I opened my home
to three orphans
that I realized just exactly what it was.
Aw!
It was Count Olaf! He's a genius!
He's a wonderful acting coach!
He's back in my life
after many lonely and successful years,
helping me pursue single-minded,
cold-hearted,
perhaps slightly overzealous revenge.
My boyfriend, Count Olaf.
The handsomest, innest man in town.
How could you say something like that?
You're my wife!
And besides,
ruthless kidnappers aren't in!
How right you are. We're not in.
We're out. Out of the city, that is!
Come on, Esmé!
Don't let the despicable man
escape for a sixth time!
- It's all over.
- Veblen Hall is the end of the line.
"Veblen Hall Out,
Milton Friedman Hall In!"
No. No!
We better clear out
before we're swimming upstream.
- What about Olaf?
- I know where to find him.
Veblen Hall might be the end of the line,
but it's the start of a tunnel.
They have our friends.
But you said the Quagmires
were inside that box of doilies.
- I guess that wasn't his plan.
- That wasn't his plan.
- It was a red herring.
- It was a red herring.
Red herring.
Red herring!
The words "red herring" do not only refer
to a type of foraging fish
that may have a crimson hue
due to being smoked or painted
with excessive nail polish.
They can also refer to a distracting
or misleading clue,
such as a box marked VFD that had
nothing to do with a secret organization
or a pair of kidnapped triplets.
For instance, if I told you
that two brave and noble volunteers
were giving chase to Count Olaf
and his kidnapping victims...
- By George!
- Heavens to Betsy!
That's not my name either.
That would be a red herring,
because it would imply
that Olaf was about to be captured,
which, I'm sorry to say, was not the case.
If I told you the city's
most prominent journalists
and banking vice presidents
were also giving chase...
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio
hear about whatever just happened.
That would be a red herring.
It would imply the Quagmires
were about to be rescued,
which I'm sorrier to say
was also not the case.
- Duncan!
- Isadora!
If I told you the Baudelaires
were about to be offered a safe home,
that would be a red herring, too.
Baudelaires! Baudelaires,
it's not safe for you to chase
a dangerous villain or her boyfriend.
We need to rescue our friends.
Let the authorities.
It's a citywide manhunt.
Olaf was here
and the authorities didn't notice.
Don't be hard on them.
You didn't recognize Olaf
until it was too late.
But I'm awake now, from Esmé's treachery
and after a very long nap,
and I'm still your guardian.
And from now on, I promise
you can forget all about Count Olaf.
We'll never forget about him.
We'll never forget our friends.
We have to rescue them.
And find the truth about the tunnel
between your elevator and our house.
You are in far too much danger,
Baudelaires.
I know you're worried about your friends.
I know.
But let other people
track down Count Olaf.
- Let me keep you safe.
- Nowhere is safe with Olaf at large.
We'll never be happy
if our friends are in danger.
We are going to find them.
You can help us.
Please?
I wish I had your courage.
Your mother always said
I wasn't brave enough.
I guess she was right.
She was also right about Esmé,
who only married me
for my underground tunnel.
I wish you luck.
I think you're going to need it.
- Where is Mr. Squalor going?
- It doesn't matter.
I don't think he wants
to be our guardian anymore.
Normally, that would be cause for alarm,
but we at Mulctuary Money Management
are exploring guardian options
after an uptick in mysterious fires
destroying people's homes.
There's a town far, far from here offering
to care for our orphaned clientele.
A town with a name that I find
both curious and somewhat familiar,
VFD.
- So what do you think?
- Yes.
Lovely.
If I told you that the next destination
for the Baudelaires was labeled VFD,
that too might be
something of a red herring,
because it would imply
that at the conclusion
of this fraught
and frightening episode in their lives,
they were the only ones
heading that direction.
Because while the Baudelaire orphans
would soon be far, far away from here,
they would also be far, far from alone.
Where do you think he'd head?
Somewhere far from here.
But he'd be far from alone.
- And the Baudelaires?
- Their story's not over.
Then what are we waiting for?
A red herring.