A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Austere Academy: Part One - full transcript
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening
Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode
Is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪
♪ At school the Baudelaires are
forced To live in an old shack ♪
♪ Comfort, joy and safety Are
among the things they lack ♪
♪ They run a lot of laps Which
keeps them in fantastic shape ♪
♪ But you're the one who ought to
take This chance for an escape ♪
♪ Just look away, look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror
And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person "Should
I watch?" And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
_
_
You probably shouldn't be here.
This is a secret passageway
in a restricted area
about one third of the way through
a dreadful and upsetting story.
My name is Lemony Snicket.
If you've been following the story
as closely as some people have,
then you know that
nobody should be here.
'Cause everything about
the Baudelaires' situation
is horrible to contemplate.
Everything about the
Baudelaires' situation
is delightful to
contemplate, Mr. Tamerlane.
If you're interested in
stories with a happy ending,
- you've come to the right place.
- Mm-hmm.
Not only is there a happy
ending, there's a happy beginning
and all sorts of happy
things in the middle.
It's delightful and educational
and it's appropriate for families,
a phrase here which means
"delightful and educational..."
It features the three luckiest
children, who are darling and precocious,
and have only cheerful
things happen to them.
It's called A Pony Party, and
I can't put it down, Mr. Tamerlane.
Poe, are you there?
- Focus, Poe. What about the Baudelaires?
- Ah, yes, the Baudelaires.
- Put down the book.
- I'll put this down.
Surely, as you recall, from the
moment I told the Baudelaires
their parents perished
in a terrible fire,
they've had exciting adventures
in all sorts of exotic locales.
From a house full of snakes
in the middle of nowhere,
to a lake full of leeches in
the middle of hurricane season,
and for complicated
reasons, a lumber mill.
It's unclear why none of
the guardians worked out.
The orphans are
obsessed with the idea
that an actor named Count
Olaf is obsessed with them,
but they can never agree
on what he looks like.
I'm unstoppable!
I dropped them off at boarding school,
where they'll receive the best education
a heavily reduced tuition can buy.
They're the second set of wealthy
orphans I've enrolled there.
I'm sure there's no connection.
With the Baudelaires safe at
Prufrock Preparatory School,
I can assure you this bank's
troubles are finally over.
- Prufrock Preparatory School?
- Yes, that's the name I just said.
- Jacquelyn? It's my secretary.
- Poe?
She must be taking another
unplanned sabbatical
she swears I've authorized.
What a moron.
Yes, it is hard to find
good help, Mr. Tamerlane.
I feel like we've been sitting
on this bench for months.
We've been waiting so long,
Sunny's starting to look less like
a baby and more like a toddler.
_
We've been tormented by
treachery and villainy.
- Child labor and leeches.
- And now, a new school.
Well, the new school
hasn't tormented us yet.
Hello, cake-sniffers!
- Hello, um...
- "Um..."
Are you a blithering idiot?
Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats.
I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these
are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.
What does "cake-sniffer" mean?
It means you're stupid cake-sniffers,
but I'm the most special
girl in the whole school.
I'm supposed to give you a tour.
This is Vice Principal Nero's office.
He's a genius. He likes me best.
I don't have to wear a uniform
'cause I'm too adorable. Come on.
A school should be a safe place.
Brand new season to explore
the mysteries around you.
Come on, cake-sniffers.
I don't think it's a compliment.
It should be a place
to make new friends.
I feel like we've been sitting
on this bench for months.
It should be a place of comfort and
adventure that feels almost like home,
particularly if your actual home
has been destroyed in a fire.
But as you and I know, school
is hardly ever like that.
- People are looking at us.
- Probably because we're new.
It's because your home
was destroyed in a fire.
Like this classroom,
the lives of the Baudelaire orphans
may appear to be more or less harmless.
But if you insist on watching,
you should know the motto of
Prufrock Preparatory School.
Like many mottoes, it can be
found on a variety of surfaces,
from a banner in the school auditorium,
to the scoreboard of the athletic field.
This is the athletic field. Our
gym teacher's coaching an away game,
so I get to make people do
jumping jacks whenever I want.
"Memento mori."
When you learn what it means,
you will understand why this
story can have no happy ending,
the way no story has a happy ending.
What does "memento mori" mean?
Remember, you will die.
Larry, thank you for meeting
me on such short notice.
That's a handsome wet suit.
I enjoy scuba diving in the
off-season. What's the mission?
You take this to the Baudelaires.
It's been annotated with
answers to all their questions.
They'll finally learn everything
about our secret organization.
But only if you get it to them.
You can find them at this location.
- Oh.
- You've heard of Prufrock Preparatory?
I attended it.
This trip is more than a crucial
mission for a secret organization.
- It's a homecoming.
- Good luck with that.
Prufrock Preparatory School...
Well, well, well.
Remember, you will die.
When you die, you won't
think of your family.
You won't think of your
friends or your career,
or the way the land looks when
sun sets behind the mountains.
You'll think of the day we
beat another team at sports!
Prufrock!
Prufrock! Prufrock!
- Prufrock! Prufrock!
- There's somebody in the road.
Hi. Uh, my catering truck broke down,
and I need to get to Prufrock
Preparatory School right away.
I see you brought something to read.
- I never travel without a book.
- Nerd.
Now where were we? Right, the
complete annihilation of...
We must've blown a tire.
I can fix it. I was Coach
of the Year, Berlin, '39.
I'll be back.
Is that a hook?
It certainly is.
I'll take that back now.
What will happen to those members of
the pep squad you threw off the bus?
- That gym teacher was crying.
- So was the driver.
Ah. That touchy-feely nonsense
would never have been tolerated
when I went to Prufrock Prep.
Oh, you attended Prufrock
Preparatory? I'm impressed.
You should be. My IQ has been
measured in the upper double digits.
This trip is more than just a
chance to seize three children
and also their enormous fortune.
It's a homecoming.
I don't know what that building
is. I never go in there.
It says, "library."
Only a cake-sniffer would
notice something like that.
It's very clearly designated.
Oh! Hello. You must be the new
students I've heard so much about.
The Baudelaires, right?
You shouldn't talk to the library
lady, because she smells funny.
Carmelita, always a pleasure.
A library is an island in
a vast sea of ignorance.
Particularly if that library is tall and
the surrounding area has been flooded.
Let's go!
Well...
come visit.
Here's Vice Principal Nero's office,
where you were supposed to be
ten minutes ago. You're late.
Ahem.
- Ahem?
- Ahem.
- Thank you?
- Thank you's not enough.
It is traditional to give a
special tour guide a tip at the end.
A tip?
Yes, a tip! Are you deaf
and blind, cake-sniffer?
Who dares to interrupt a
genius when he's rehearsing?
It's the Baudelaires. They're
late for their appointment.
How dare you be late!
Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me.
Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way.
- The original owner really liked it.
- Oh.
Whoo!
What a lovely girl. Sweet
as a butterscotch buttercup.
She has two living parents.
Well, come in. I don't
have all afternoon.
How do you do?
When you hear an incredible performance,
it's tradition to clap
and cheer and yell "Bravo!"
- Yay!
- Mmm, bravo.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And welcome, new students.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
My name is Vice Principal Nero,
and my second-highest concern
is that you uphold the strict
standards here at Prufrock.
What's your first-highest concern?
My career as a violinist.
I know all about you.
You've been to guardian after guardian,
and adversity has always followed.
Adversity means "trouble," by the way.
In our case, adversity
means Count Olaf.
He was the cause of all our trouble.
Here at Prufrock Preparatory School,
there'll be no blaming your own
weaknesses on this Count Olaf person.
This is an advanced computer
system. Cost an arm and a leg.
But I had the AV club program it to
recognize the hallmarks of Count Olaf.
One eyebrow, tattoo on ankle.
This is not Count Olaf.
We'll park it outside
the school all semester,
and you'll be safe as peas.
_
I'm not sure an advanced
computer will do us much good.
- Olaf is usually in disguise...
- Oh, I shouldn't have bothered.
No way ordinary orphans can
understand a genius like me.
Prufrock Prep will take
care of that.
Prufrock Preparatory has
a magnificent dormitory
thanks to a generous grant from
our founder, Sir Barrymore Feint.
Inside, there is a huge living room and
an ornate cage full of tropical birds
who can land on your
finger and learn your name.
- Doesn't it look nice?
- It looks more than nice.
It looks better than any place
we've lived in a long time.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that,
although you won't get to see it much.
In order to live in the dormitory,
you must have a permission slip
signed by a parent or a guardian,
and your parents are dead.
Mr. Poe tells me your guardians
have either been killed or fired you.
Surely Mr. Poe could sign.
"Surely Mr.
Poe could sign." He could not.
He is neither your parent nor
your guardian. He works at a bank.
I'm afraid that you'll have
to live in a small tin shack.
Oh, it's a dismal place.
You'll stay there until we
get a new set of orphans.
And then you'll be
upgraded to a broom closet.
Why can't you change the rule
so everyone lives in a dorm?
"Why can't you change
the rule so everyone lives in a dorm?"
I don't want to.
Speaking of rules, if either
of you are late to your classes,
your hands will be tied
behind your back during meals
and you'll have to lean down
and eat your food like a dog.
Violet, you will be studying
with Mr. Remora in room one,
and Klaus, you will be
with Mrs. Bass in room two,
which is easy to remember
if you think of Tu B'Shevat,
the Jewish equivalent of Arbor Day.
Thank you. I'll remember.
Which classroom is Sunny's?
I told Mr. Poe that we would
have room for a baby here,
but not in a classroom.
I've always wanted an
administrative assistant,
but there was never a budget for it.
Now, I have Sunny.
Off to your shack!
Genius needs his rehearsal time. Go, go.
What now?
Children!
Vice Principal Nero, you
said you wanted to see us?
We've been waiting
for a really long time.
Come in, come in, come in.
So, orphans, how would you like
to move into a broom closet?
This place has hardly
changed since I was expelled.
What do you want us to do
with the stuff on the bus?
We may have use for it.
Matriculating into
Prufrock Prep won't be easy.
I was quite the disciplinary problem
during my semester and a half.
You think they'll recognize
you and they're still mad?
Why wouldn't they be?
Nothing. No reason.
It was
just... It was a long time...
- Let's see what we got.
- Let's.
- Mascot costume, front half.
- Good.
- Mascot costume, back half.
- Better.
- Thirty-two hot dogs, 31 hot dog buns.
- Intriguing.
A variety of pennants, cheerleader
uniforms, sweaty clothes,
Hula-Hoops and one school banner.
- Okay.
- That's everything.
That...
We are going to hatch a complicated
plot, and these are our raw materials?
The hot dogs are actually precooked.
Must I do everything myself?
I know you're hiding somewhere.
Well, well. What do we have here?
- You told me you got everything.
- We did.
Then explain that...
to these!
Let's move out. Curses!
This
is not Count Olaf.
This is going to be
harder than I thought.
What do we do?
The same thing that got
me through eighth grade.
Find a safe place to hide.
Vice Principal Nero?
I don't mean to interrupt a
genius when he's rehearsing...
I was already interrupted.
I just spent 20 minutes
explaining to three orphans
- that they have to live in a shack.
- That's awful.
We always put new orphans in the shack.
No, I mean it's awful that it
took you 20 minutes to explain it.
- Hmm. Why are you here?
- Why are any of us here?
"Life is thickly sown with thorns,
and I know no other remedy than
to pass quickly through them."
Voltaire said that.
I thought we expelled that
French kid for smoking.
I'm following up on keeping the library
open for more than ten minutes...
No! Out of the question.
I spent the budget on a
violin case with a ruby handle.
But it doesn't cost more money to
leave the library door unlocked.
There are other reasons, but
I don't have time to explain.
Then I'll wait.
Okay.
It's because I don't like you very much.
My hands are tied on this!
You dropped this.
I wish I had dropped
it right on his head.
Too bad we can't fix stupidity
at the vice principal level.
In a world governed by
corruption and arrogance,
it can be difficult to stay true to one's
literary and philosophical principles.
I've often thought that exact thing.
- Most librarians have.
- Oh! How did you know I was a librarian?
There's a certain gleam in the eye
indicating a sharp, erudite acumen.
Also, you have a cart of books.
Do you know where I might find
three children who recently enrolled?
I do, but I don't think I
should share that information
with someone who's not faculty.
- I'm a member of the faculty.
- I've never seen you around.
I work in the cafeteria.
Ah. That checks out. I make
it a point to never eat there.
- Ah, hello, little girl.
- Who said you could speak to me?
Oh, my! Here. Let me help you. Oh!
- Children can be cruel.
- The whole world is cruel.
School is just a microcosm.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Why do you ask?
The cafeteria's the other way.
But the nurse is this way.
The expression "making
a mountain out of a molehill"
simply means making a big
deal out of a small deal.
It's easy to see how this
expression came about.
Molehills are mounds of earth serving
as condominiums for small mammals.
And they have never
caused anyone any harm,
except for maybe a stubbed toe
if you're being pushed by a bully.
- Hey!
- I hate your face!
Mountains, however, are
very large mounds of earth
and are constantly causing problems.
From frostbite to border
disputes, hang gliding mishaps.
Which is why when we
call something a mountain,
we mean that it is a
large amount of trouble.
When Nero described the shack
where the Baudelaires were living,
he was not making a
mountain out of a molehill.
- If anything...
- It's small.
Even for a shack.
He was making a molehill
out of a mountain.
- Uh, crabs!
- Our shack has crabs!
Fungus.
Our shack has dripping fungus.
Their shack had misinformation.
- This is ridiculous.
- We can fix it up a little.
I don't mean this shack,
I mean this school.
Orphans shouldn't be punished
for not having parents.
And who ties people's hands
behind their backs to eat?
I know, but we have to think
about the bigger picture.
Our parents were part of
something. Our guardians, too.
It might be why these
terrible things keep happening.
We'll never find out
if we're stuck here.
This is a school. Let's
see what we can learn.
Good morning, class,
including our latest orphan.
My name is Mr. Remora, and
today, for language arts,
I will continue telling anecdotes
from my own life that I find amusing.
You'll take notes, and
there will be a test.
Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday,
I was in the mood for macaroni
and cheese, so I said to myself,
"Today, Tuesday, I think I'll
have some macaroni and cheese."
It's important to remember
it wasn't elbow macaroni
or the decorative butterfly kind,
or even the tube-shaped macaroni.
Indeed, it was not...
Good morning, children. May I
have your undivided attention?
And that includes you, Daniel.
I understand we have a
brand new orphan today.
It must be difficult for you to measure
how unhappy you are without your parents,
but we're gonna try.
My name is Mrs. Bass,
and we'll continue our
lessons on the metric system
by measuring various objects.
Later we'll have a quiz.
The first thing to measure
is this jar of mayonnaise
I found in my garage.
Next letter.
"Dear Juilliard School of Music,
I was confused by your
restraining order of October 13th."
Faster! You type
like a one-year-old!
Where was I?
"Dear Juilliard School of Music,
I was baffled by your restraining
order of October the 13th.
What did I do?"
Call those jumping jacks?
I've seen better jumping
jacks from old people!
Hiding under the bleachers again,
just like so many youthful days
spent hatching plans and
looking for cigarette butts.
Were you unpopular?
I know how that feels.
No. I was a rebel.
I bet people were
jealous of your looks.
Unless you were a late bloomer.
I was not a late bloomer.
Girls were falling
all over me in school,
and not just because I extended
my leg when they walked by.
I was a lone wolf, a mysterious
stranger, a member of the drama club.
Mmm.
This school is obviously
desperate for my return,
but that advanced computer prevents
us from waltzing in the front door.
We need someone on the inside,
a student who will help us infiltrate,
if infiltrate is what I mean.
Do you mean "to penetrate an
institution surreptitiously"?
What kid's gonna help us?
Hey, cake-sniffer!
You're as ugly as something
I found in my teeth recently!
Little girl.
Little girl? I'm 4' 7".
That's a pretty broach you have.
- Make me an offer.
- I like you.
- You're not an orphan, are you?
- Do I look like I live in a shack?
Mmm.
Meet me under the
bleachers after school.
- How was your day?
- I heard nothing but pointless stories.
That's language arts.
I spent the morning writing
meaningless measurements.
That's math. How was work?
We've been in class all day
but haven't learned a thing.
There has to be someone who
can answer all our questions.
- Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter.
- We know you.
Of course you do. I work in
the cafeteria. See my hairnet?
We've met before. You were
the waiter at Lake Lachrymose.
- You were dressed as a clown.
- You gave us peppermints.
Uh, peppermints are not a
recognized part of the lunch program,
but I do have something to give you.
- Does it have to do with our parents?
- Our guardians?
_
All your questions will be
answered as soon as I give you...
Wait, I'm
sure it's in here somewhere.
Out of my way.
I deserve a heaping portion
because I'm heapingly adorable.
- You can wait in line like everyone else.
- Where is it? Where is it?
I don't have to. I don't have to
do anything I don't want to do.
Vice Principal Nero likes me best,
and there's a beef and bean burrito
with a ribbon on it just for me.
This is my lunch
that I brought from home.
- What did you have for us?
- Give it to me.
Explain how adorable I am!
- Look at her pinafore!
- Look at her pretty face!
- Sorry. I have to look for something.
- What were you gonna give us?
Uh...
Macaroni and cheese...
and boiled wieners!
No, thank you.
I guess they were late to class.
As if eating cafeteria
food isn't punishing enough.
Baudelaires, there's seats at my table,
but I'm afraid it's a
cake-sniffer-free zone.
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
Cake-sniffing
orphans in the Orphan Shack!
Leave them alone.
You're the cake-sniffer.
Nobody in their right mind
would want to eat with you.
Come sit with us.
You'll have to forgive Carmelita.
She's so awful, Mrs. Bass is
considering a life of crime.
My sister wrote a poem about her.
"I would rather eat a
bowl of vampire bats
than spend an hour
with Carmelita Spats."
That's a couplet.
Ogden Nash uses them.
I know. I've read all of his work.
I'm Isadora Quagmire, and
this is my brother Duncan.
I'm Violet Baudelaire, and
this is Klaus and Sunny.
Nice to meet you.
_
We should warn you, the
apples taste like horseradish.
Everything seems
distasteful in this place.
I hope you're surviving
the Orphan Shack.
It's pretty awful. We were
living there until yesterday.
You're orphans?
We lost our parents in a terrible
fire. And our brother, Quigley.
We were triplets.
- We're sorry to hear that.
- We lost our parents in a fire as well.
It's not fair. One minute
you're safe and happy and...
- home, and the next...
- You're in a shack full of crabs.
We can do something about the
crabs. How did you deal with them?
We taped metal to our
shoes to be extra noisy.
It scared the crabs, but it was
exhausting to tap dance all the time.
Nobody likes tap dancing.
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
She's been even worse since
Nero got her those shoes.
I can invent something less
exhausting than tap shoes.
I'll need materials. Can
everybody empty their pockets?
Where did you get that?
From the ruins of our parents' home.
I think we need to talk.
We found it in the
ashes. We'd never seen it before.
Can't be a coincidence. Two
fires, two halves of a spyglass.
I think it's more than a spyglass.
There are dials, similar to ones
I read about for cracking codes.
Why would our parents have
a device for cracking codes?
Why would ours
have the same device?
They must've known each other.
Why don't we know each other? It's
like they were hiding all this stuff.
Thanks, Sunny.
Maybe they were gonna tell
us, but never got the chance.
- Maybe they were hiding it for a reason.
- Because it's dangerous?
Maybe. You're sure you've
never heard of Count Olaf?
I'm sure. But since we lost our parents,
we've seen things we can't explain.
Us, too. It has to be connected.
That's a little better.
It's scaring the crabs and it
gives the place a little style.
That's a lot better.
At Aunt Josephine's, we found a
book that might contain some answers.
We lost it in a hurricane
before we could read it.
Did it look like this?
Our last guardian locked it in
a safe after she lost her wife.
If we saw the same book,
there has to be more copies.
- How can we find one?
- Is the library open?
Not for long.
Get out of here. Give
this a decent burial.
You told me you like To
Kill a Mockingbird,
so I did it for you.
This is your last chance.
Next time, I call your mother
and steal your shoes.
I smell people who lost
their parents in fires.
Quagmires and the Baudelaires.
Lovely to see you, and
together, I might add.
Are you still open?
I'm afraid I was just locking
up. Ten minutes goes by fast.
- You can come back tomorrow.
- We can't wait. Please.
- We're trying to find a book.
- An important book.
It might have the answers
- to all of our questions.
- What's the title?
The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.
Let me see what I can do.
We only have a few minutes
before Nero comes on his rounds.
If he catches you, he'll
make you trim his toenails.
- He wouldn't.
- He would.
He would.
You don't happen to know
its Dewey Decimal number?
We don't even know who wrote it.
That's okay. That's what I'm here for.
Let's see. Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations, The.
- I'm sorry.
- You don't have it.
Due to budget cuts,
crumbling infrastructure,
and the priorities of a
certain vice principal,
this place has become something
of a faltering institution.
Although, I do have a few other
books that I think you might like.
The Incomplete History of Treachery?
The Incomplete History
of Pretentiousness?
Or, The Incomplete History of History?
That does sound fascinating, but...
I know.
In every library, there is a single book
to answer the question that
burns like a fire in the mind.
Where did you hear that?
I don't know. I must have
read it somewhere. Why?
Our father said that once.
It's awful to have people
missing from your life.
It's like a question that haunts you,
and you never know if that
question will ever be answered.
We think it might be,
with the right book.
I see.
Well, a friend of mine is
sending me some new titles
now that she's abandoned her dissertation
to become a welterweight boxer.
I'll ask her about it. Check
back with me in a day or so.
Mind if we have a look around?
- Drat.
- Drat?
Vice Principal Nero will be here in...
"Vice
Principal Nero will be here."
Vice Principal Nero is already here, and
this library is supposed to be closed!
It is closed, and it's empty.
You must be having a bad dream.
- That only worked on me once.
- Darn it.
Report to the athletic
field in ten minutes.
Attendance is mandatory.
Mandatory means "anyone
who doesn't come
has to buy me candy
and watch me eat it."
- He wouldn't.
- He would.
I would.
This is a very exciting day for me,
so you orphans and you
twins should be excited.
The Quagmires are triplets.
"Twins" is what you call triplets
when one has burned to a crisp.
If you'll excuse me, I have to
get my violin for the pep rally.
Welcome to Prufrock Prep, Baudelaires.
In a world too often governed
by corruption and arrogance,
it can be difficult to stay true to one's
philosophical and literary principles.
We wholeheartedly agree.
All decent people do.
I wanted to find that book.
We still could. We'll make a plan.
I don't know what's worse,
the word "pep" or "rally."
- They last for hours.
- We'll sneak in some fruit.
- We'll bring some for you, too.
- Thank you.
It's no trouble. Our broom
closet's next to the fruit bowl.
I don't mean for the fruit. I
mean for making us feel at home.
We haven't felt at home for a long time.
I'm sure you already know.
- What?
- What friends are for.
See you soon.
Remember what you
learned in lock-picking school.
You have to break in, get the book, give
it to the Baudelaires, quit your job,
then you never have to come
back to this school again.
- Unless it's a reunion.
- You're breaking in.
Uh, no, I'm not. I mean,
it's okay, I'm a grown-up.
- I'm telling Nero.
- You don't have to do that.
All I have to do is scream
and he'll fire you on the spot.
Unless you give me something.
I already gave you half of my burrito.
Fine, fine!
Tell me what you want, what
you really, really want.
Oh, I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want.
Hello, hello, hello.
What are helpless orphans like
you doing in a place like this?
- Who are you?
- Don't pretend this handsome face
doesn't haunt your every
waking and sleeping hour.
You will never be rid of me.
You'll never be safe.
So much to learn, orphans, and I
am here to school you.
The three of you better... Wait.
You two better... Wait.
Where's the midget?
One, two...
You're not the Baudelaires. Who are you?
Who are you, you miscreant?
Miscreant?
Oh, I know who you are now.
- You sound just like your mother, Quigley.
- Duncan.
"You miscreant, never again
will you darken the doors of this hangar."
Such a tiresome woman.
Always reading Italian poetry
and activating trap doors.
- How do you know our mother?
- Oh, I know everything, orphans.
I know the number of hairs
on each of your heads,
the number of sapphires
in your secret vaults.
The number of tombstones
in your family plots.
Well, well, it seems this trip to
Prufrock will bring me twice the fortune.
And there's nobody who can stop me.
Give me back my
burrito, you miscreant!
Larry? What...
- One eyebrow.
- I bet he has a tattoo on his ankle.
We have to warn the Baudelaires
something terrible is going to happen,
and I don't mean a pep rally.
Get moving. I'm talking
to you, cheerleaders.
Get your costume on, mascot!
Step lively, health
and hygiene instructor.
I prefer the term
interdisciplinary gender studies.
- Why won't you leave me alone?
- I'm still hungry.
I gave you my burrito.
We agreed that was fair.
I'm hungry for revenge.
- What?
- You made me suffer long enough.
The menu is chosen by
the school district.
For years you've infiltrated my schemes,
relying on morals and
literature to muck up my life.
Well, these are your
victoriously final days.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
- How did I do?
- Those last few lines were for me.
- I'm so adorable when I say them.
- But theater is about context.
- Let's take it from the flop.
- "Flop"? Take it from the top.
Never mind. The adults are speaking.
All right, fine.
Working with kids, am I right?
No. You're wrong about everything.
Same goody-goody moral stance, I see.
The only thing that's
changed is your hair.
It's a hairnet, as required
by the Department of Education.
In our organization, that's
called successful infiltration.
I learned what that word
means, but then I forgot.
All you need to remember is
that we're one step ahead of you.
Strong words coming from someone
who's scrubbing a lasagna pan.
Cannelloni.
You wouldn't dare.
This is dry-clean only.
You're in luck,
because we're taking you to the cleaners.
I don't know how you got in here.
A girl propped open the door.
- But we're sending you back out.
- What do you mean, "we"?
The pronoun for first person
plural. I'm not working alone.
Oh, goodness me, you have
comrades. You have cohorts.
Why didn't I think of that?
- En garde!
- That's French for "We gotcha!"
Do you think you can win?
Totally.
And do you know why?
You may have the smarts and the skills.
You may have the classified
codes and secret libraries.
You may have the wisdom and integrity
and various poems committed to memory.
- But do you know what I have?
- What?
- Line.
- A jeweled...
A jeweled broach!
What?
- Yes, a jeweled... Wait, what?
- A... That's...
A plan! I have a plan! You
are not much of a spy, Barry.
Larry, your waiter.
You know what they say about
the food service industry.
It's a cold, cold business.
Now we've got to rally ourselves.
- Pruf...
- Rock!
Prufrock!
Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock!
- Baudelaires!
- We think you're in danger.
What's wrong?
The Baudelaires are in no danger at all.
In fact, my wife just
dropped by the office
with an advance copy of
today's Daily Punctilio,
and wait till you see the headlines.
- Hello?
- This is Larry, your waiter.
You sound cold. Are
you in the mountains?
We're not due there until
the end of the season.
- Did you deliver the book?
- I had some complications.
Yes.
Yes. They even took my hairnet.
They'll stop at nothing.
You must be freezing.
Try jumping, or reciting
a Jack London story.
Oh, that's a good
idea. Would you mind sending...
Yes, of course. I'll call you a taxi.
- Poe, are you there? Focus.
- Oh, what?
No. Sorry, Mr. Tamerlane.
It was just my receptionist.
You know how it is with assistants.
Every so often, their phone rings
and they dive under their desks,
apparently to retrieve a
pen that they've dropped.
- Again.
- Snicket? Someone needs a ride, and quick.
Got it. Of course. Don't
make a mountain out of a molehill.
- The world...
- Is quiet here.
The world is quiet here.
This might sound curious, like
the motto of a secret organization,
or something your brother might
say when he arrives in his taxi
to smuggle you across the border,
high up into the mountains.
When the world is noisy, the world
may feel as if it is coming apart.
What did you see?
- We think we saw Count Olaf!
- What?
It's also hard to hold
a private conversation.
- We think Count Olaf is here!
- What?
Thank you. Thank you. Welcome
to the mandatory pep rally.
I don't know which I like
more, the word "pep" or "rally."
- I like "pep."
- I like "rally."
Maybe we should ask our
mascot! What do you say?
- What's the mascot?
- A dead horse!
It sounded like you said...
A dead horse. But that's not important.
- Who can't be beat?
- A dead horse!
- Who can't be beat?
- A dead horse!
Hi-yah!
You have to listen.
- My brother and I saw...
- Shush!
I know things seemed less peppy
since our athletes, cheerleaders
and beloved gym teacher vanished
on the way home from that away game.
But Prufrock Preparatory
School has a motto.
It's "memento mori."
It's an ancient Greek saying...
Latin.
Which means, "Remember, you will die."
And soon, indeed, the sun will
set, the fiery orb of life,
leaving me alone!
Alone!
Alone!
Until, of course, you meet
someone who truly understands
and supports you with friendship,
camaraderie and cash bribes.
Our gym teacher was irreplaceable,
but I have found someone I
know who can fill her shoes.
And now, please welcome to the stage,
a man with no résumé, no
letters of recommendation,
no credit history, but with
such a marvelous ear for music
that I've hired him as the newest
member of our faculty!
No, no, not you. No.
Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis!
Count Olaf.
So much to learn, and
I am here to school you.
by LiviuBoss
* Rambo Media Ltd *
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening
Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode
Is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away Look away, look away ♪
♪ At school the Baudelaires are
forced To live in an old shack ♪
♪ Comfort, joy and safety Are
among the things they lack ♪
♪ They run a lot of laps Which
keeps them in fantastic shape ♪
♪ But you're the one who ought to
take This chance for an escape ♪
♪ Just look away, look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror
And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person "Should
I watch?" And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
_
_
You probably shouldn't be here.
This is a secret passageway
in a restricted area
about one third of the way through
a dreadful and upsetting story.
My name is Lemony Snicket.
If you've been following the story
as closely as some people have,
then you know that
nobody should be here.
'Cause everything about
the Baudelaires' situation
is horrible to contemplate.
Everything about the
Baudelaires' situation
is delightful to
contemplate, Mr. Tamerlane.
If you're interested in
stories with a happy ending,
- you've come to the right place.
- Mm-hmm.
Not only is there a happy
ending, there's a happy beginning
and all sorts of happy
things in the middle.
It's delightful and educational
and it's appropriate for families,
a phrase here which means
"delightful and educational..."
It features the three luckiest
children, who are darling and precocious,
and have only cheerful
things happen to them.
It's called A Pony Party, and
I can't put it down, Mr. Tamerlane.
Poe, are you there?
- Focus, Poe. What about the Baudelaires?
- Ah, yes, the Baudelaires.
- Put down the book.
- I'll put this down.
Surely, as you recall, from the
moment I told the Baudelaires
their parents perished
in a terrible fire,
they've had exciting adventures
in all sorts of exotic locales.
From a house full of snakes
in the middle of nowhere,
to a lake full of leeches in
the middle of hurricane season,
and for complicated
reasons, a lumber mill.
It's unclear why none of
the guardians worked out.
The orphans are
obsessed with the idea
that an actor named Count
Olaf is obsessed with them,
but they can never agree
on what he looks like.
I'm unstoppable!
I dropped them off at boarding school,
where they'll receive the best education
a heavily reduced tuition can buy.
They're the second set of wealthy
orphans I've enrolled there.
I'm sure there's no connection.
With the Baudelaires safe at
Prufrock Preparatory School,
I can assure you this bank's
troubles are finally over.
- Prufrock Preparatory School?
- Yes, that's the name I just said.
- Jacquelyn? It's my secretary.
- Poe?
She must be taking another
unplanned sabbatical
she swears I've authorized.
What a moron.
Yes, it is hard to find
good help, Mr. Tamerlane.
I feel like we've been sitting
on this bench for months.
We've been waiting so long,
Sunny's starting to look less like
a baby and more like a toddler.
_
We've been tormented by
treachery and villainy.
- Child labor and leeches.
- And now, a new school.
Well, the new school
hasn't tormented us yet.
Hello, cake-sniffers!
- Hello, um...
- "Um..."
Are you a blithering idiot?
Everyone knows I'm Carmelita Spats.
I'm Violet Baudelaire, and these
are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.
What does "cake-sniffer" mean?
It means you're stupid cake-sniffers,
but I'm the most special
girl in the whole school.
I'm supposed to give you a tour.
This is Vice Principal Nero's office.
He's a genius. He likes me best.
I don't have to wear a uniform
'cause I'm too adorable. Come on.
A school should be a safe place.
Brand new season to explore
the mysteries around you.
Come on, cake-sniffers.
I don't think it's a compliment.
It should be a place
to make new friends.
I feel like we've been sitting
on this bench for months.
It should be a place of comfort and
adventure that feels almost like home,
particularly if your actual home
has been destroyed in a fire.
But as you and I know, school
is hardly ever like that.
- People are looking at us.
- Probably because we're new.
It's because your home
was destroyed in a fire.
Like this classroom,
the lives of the Baudelaire orphans
may appear to be more or less harmless.
But if you insist on watching,
you should know the motto of
Prufrock Preparatory School.
Like many mottoes, it can be
found on a variety of surfaces,
from a banner in the school auditorium,
to the scoreboard of the athletic field.
This is the athletic field. Our
gym teacher's coaching an away game,
so I get to make people do
jumping jacks whenever I want.
"Memento mori."
When you learn what it means,
you will understand why this
story can have no happy ending,
the way no story has a happy ending.
What does "memento mori" mean?
Remember, you will die.
Larry, thank you for meeting
me on such short notice.
That's a handsome wet suit.
I enjoy scuba diving in the
off-season. What's the mission?
You take this to the Baudelaires.
It's been annotated with
answers to all their questions.
They'll finally learn everything
about our secret organization.
But only if you get it to them.
You can find them at this location.
- Oh.
- You've heard of Prufrock Preparatory?
I attended it.
This trip is more than a crucial
mission for a secret organization.
- It's a homecoming.
- Good luck with that.
Prufrock Preparatory School...
Well, well, well.
Remember, you will die.
When you die, you won't
think of your family.
You won't think of your
friends or your career,
or the way the land looks when
sun sets behind the mountains.
You'll think of the day we
beat another team at sports!
Prufrock!
Prufrock! Prufrock!
- Prufrock! Prufrock!
- There's somebody in the road.
Hi. Uh, my catering truck broke down,
and I need to get to Prufrock
Preparatory School right away.
I see you brought something to read.
- I never travel without a book.
- Nerd.
Now where were we? Right, the
complete annihilation of...
We must've blown a tire.
I can fix it. I was Coach
of the Year, Berlin, '39.
I'll be back.
Is that a hook?
It certainly is.
I'll take that back now.
What will happen to those members of
the pep squad you threw off the bus?
- That gym teacher was crying.
- So was the driver.
Ah. That touchy-feely nonsense
would never have been tolerated
when I went to Prufrock Prep.
Oh, you attended Prufrock
Preparatory? I'm impressed.
You should be. My IQ has been
measured in the upper double digits.
This trip is more than just a
chance to seize three children
and also their enormous fortune.
It's a homecoming.
I don't know what that building
is. I never go in there.
It says, "library."
Only a cake-sniffer would
notice something like that.
It's very clearly designated.
Oh! Hello. You must be the new
students I've heard so much about.
The Baudelaires, right?
You shouldn't talk to the library
lady, because she smells funny.
Carmelita, always a pleasure.
A library is an island in
a vast sea of ignorance.
Particularly if that library is tall and
the surrounding area has been flooded.
Let's go!
Well...
come visit.
Here's Vice Principal Nero's office,
where you were supposed to be
ten minutes ago. You're late.
Ahem.
- Ahem?
- Ahem.
- Thank you?
- Thank you's not enough.
It is traditional to give a
special tour guide a tip at the end.
A tip?
Yes, a tip! Are you deaf
and blind, cake-sniffer?
Who dares to interrupt a
genius when he's rehearsing?
It's the Baudelaires. They're
late for their appointment.
How dare you be late!
Thank you, Carmelita, for telling me.
Oh, that's a nice broach, by the way.
- The original owner really liked it.
- Oh.
Whoo!
What a lovely girl. Sweet
as a butterscotch buttercup.
She has two living parents.
Well, come in. I don't
have all afternoon.
How do you do?
When you hear an incredible performance,
it's tradition to clap
and cheer and yell "Bravo!"
- Yay!
- Mmm, bravo.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
And welcome, new students.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
My name is Vice Principal Nero,
and my second-highest concern
is that you uphold the strict
standards here at Prufrock.
What's your first-highest concern?
My career as a violinist.
I know all about you.
You've been to guardian after guardian,
and adversity has always followed.
Adversity means "trouble," by the way.
In our case, adversity
means Count Olaf.
He was the cause of all our trouble.
Here at Prufrock Preparatory School,
there'll be no blaming your own
weaknesses on this Count Olaf person.
This is an advanced computer
system. Cost an arm and a leg.
But I had the AV club program it to
recognize the hallmarks of Count Olaf.
One eyebrow, tattoo on ankle.
This is not Count Olaf.
We'll park it outside
the school all semester,
and you'll be safe as peas.
_
I'm not sure an advanced
computer will do us much good.
- Olaf is usually in disguise...
- Oh, I shouldn't have bothered.
No way ordinary orphans can
understand a genius like me.
Prufrock Prep will take
care of that.
Prufrock Preparatory has
a magnificent dormitory
thanks to a generous grant from
our founder, Sir Barrymore Feint.
Inside, there is a huge living room and
an ornate cage full of tropical birds
who can land on your
finger and learn your name.
- Doesn't it look nice?
- It looks more than nice.
It looks better than any place
we've lived in a long time.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that,
although you won't get to see it much.
In order to live in the dormitory,
you must have a permission slip
signed by a parent or a guardian,
and your parents are dead.
Mr. Poe tells me your guardians
have either been killed or fired you.
Surely Mr. Poe could sign.
"Surely Mr.
Poe could sign." He could not.
He is neither your parent nor
your guardian. He works at a bank.
I'm afraid that you'll have
to live in a small tin shack.
Oh, it's a dismal place.
You'll stay there until we
get a new set of orphans.
And then you'll be
upgraded to a broom closet.
Why can't you change the rule
so everyone lives in a dorm?
"Why can't you change
the rule so everyone lives in a dorm?"
I don't want to.
Speaking of rules, if either
of you are late to your classes,
your hands will be tied
behind your back during meals
and you'll have to lean down
and eat your food like a dog.
Violet, you will be studying
with Mr. Remora in room one,
and Klaus, you will be
with Mrs. Bass in room two,
which is easy to remember
if you think of Tu B'Shevat,
the Jewish equivalent of Arbor Day.
Thank you. I'll remember.
Which classroom is Sunny's?
I told Mr. Poe that we would
have room for a baby here,
but not in a classroom.
I've always wanted an
administrative assistant,
but there was never a budget for it.
Now, I have Sunny.
Off to your shack!
Genius needs his rehearsal time. Go, go.
What now?
Children!
Vice Principal Nero, you
said you wanted to see us?
We've been waiting
for a really long time.
Come in, come in, come in.
So, orphans, how would you like
to move into a broom closet?
This place has hardly
changed since I was expelled.
What do you want us to do
with the stuff on the bus?
We may have use for it.
Matriculating into
Prufrock Prep won't be easy.
I was quite the disciplinary problem
during my semester and a half.
You think they'll recognize
you and they're still mad?
Why wouldn't they be?
Nothing. No reason.
It was
just... It was a long time...
- Let's see what we got.
- Let's.
- Mascot costume, front half.
- Good.
- Mascot costume, back half.
- Better.
- Thirty-two hot dogs, 31 hot dog buns.
- Intriguing.
A variety of pennants, cheerleader
uniforms, sweaty clothes,
Hula-Hoops and one school banner.
- Okay.
- That's everything.
That...
We are going to hatch a complicated
plot, and these are our raw materials?
The hot dogs are actually precooked.
Must I do everything myself?
I know you're hiding somewhere.
Well, well. What do we have here?
- You told me you got everything.
- We did.
Then explain that...
to these!
Let's move out. Curses!
This
is not Count Olaf.
This is going to be
harder than I thought.
What do we do?
The same thing that got
me through eighth grade.
Find a safe place to hide.
Vice Principal Nero?
I don't mean to interrupt a
genius when he's rehearsing...
I was already interrupted.
I just spent 20 minutes
explaining to three orphans
- that they have to live in a shack.
- That's awful.
We always put new orphans in the shack.
No, I mean it's awful that it
took you 20 minutes to explain it.
- Hmm. Why are you here?
- Why are any of us here?
"Life is thickly sown with thorns,
and I know no other remedy than
to pass quickly through them."
Voltaire said that.
I thought we expelled that
French kid for smoking.
I'm following up on keeping the library
open for more than ten minutes...
No! Out of the question.
I spent the budget on a
violin case with a ruby handle.
But it doesn't cost more money to
leave the library door unlocked.
There are other reasons, but
I don't have time to explain.
Then I'll wait.
Okay.
It's because I don't like you very much.
My hands are tied on this!
You dropped this.
I wish I had dropped
it right on his head.
Too bad we can't fix stupidity
at the vice principal level.
In a world governed by
corruption and arrogance,
it can be difficult to stay true to one's
literary and philosophical principles.
I've often thought that exact thing.
- Most librarians have.
- Oh! How did you know I was a librarian?
There's a certain gleam in the eye
indicating a sharp, erudite acumen.
Also, you have a cart of books.
Do you know where I might find
three children who recently enrolled?
I do, but I don't think I
should share that information
with someone who's not faculty.
- I'm a member of the faculty.
- I've never seen you around.
I work in the cafeteria.
Ah. That checks out. I make
it a point to never eat there.
- Ah, hello, little girl.
- Who said you could speak to me?
Oh, my! Here. Let me help you. Oh!
- Children can be cruel.
- The whole world is cruel.
School is just a microcosm.
- Are you sure you're all right?
- Why do you ask?
The cafeteria's the other way.
But the nurse is this way.
The expression "making
a mountain out of a molehill"
simply means making a big
deal out of a small deal.
It's easy to see how this
expression came about.
Molehills are mounds of earth serving
as condominiums for small mammals.
And they have never
caused anyone any harm,
except for maybe a stubbed toe
if you're being pushed by a bully.
- Hey!
- I hate your face!
Mountains, however, are
very large mounds of earth
and are constantly causing problems.
From frostbite to border
disputes, hang gliding mishaps.
Which is why when we
call something a mountain,
we mean that it is a
large amount of trouble.
When Nero described the shack
where the Baudelaires were living,
he was not making a
mountain out of a molehill.
- If anything...
- It's small.
Even for a shack.
He was making a molehill
out of a mountain.
- Uh, crabs!
- Our shack has crabs!
Fungus.
Our shack has dripping fungus.
Their shack had misinformation.
- This is ridiculous.
- We can fix it up a little.
I don't mean this shack,
I mean this school.
Orphans shouldn't be punished
for not having parents.
And who ties people's hands
behind their backs to eat?
I know, but we have to think
about the bigger picture.
Our parents were part of
something. Our guardians, too.
It might be why these
terrible things keep happening.
We'll never find out
if we're stuck here.
This is a school. Let's
see what we can learn.
Good morning, class,
including our latest orphan.
My name is Mr. Remora, and
today, for language arts,
I will continue telling anecdotes
from my own life that I find amusing.
You'll take notes, and
there will be a test.
Okay, one day, I think it was a Tuesday,
I was in the mood for macaroni
and cheese, so I said to myself,
"Today, Tuesday, I think I'll
have some macaroni and cheese."
It's important to remember
it wasn't elbow macaroni
or the decorative butterfly kind,
or even the tube-shaped macaroni.
Indeed, it was not...
Good morning, children. May I
have your undivided attention?
And that includes you, Daniel.
I understand we have a
brand new orphan today.
It must be difficult for you to measure
how unhappy you are without your parents,
but we're gonna try.
My name is Mrs. Bass,
and we'll continue our
lessons on the metric system
by measuring various objects.
Later we'll have a quiz.
The first thing to measure
is this jar of mayonnaise
I found in my garage.
Next letter.
"Dear Juilliard School of Music,
I was confused by your
restraining order of October 13th."
Faster! You type
like a one-year-old!
Where was I?
"Dear Juilliard School of Music,
I was baffled by your restraining
order of October the 13th.
What did I do?"
Call those jumping jacks?
I've seen better jumping
jacks from old people!
Hiding under the bleachers again,
just like so many youthful days
spent hatching plans and
looking for cigarette butts.
Were you unpopular?
I know how that feels.
No. I was a rebel.
I bet people were
jealous of your looks.
Unless you were a late bloomer.
I was not a late bloomer.
Girls were falling
all over me in school,
and not just because I extended
my leg when they walked by.
I was a lone wolf, a mysterious
stranger, a member of the drama club.
Mmm.
This school is obviously
desperate for my return,
but that advanced computer prevents
us from waltzing in the front door.
We need someone on the inside,
a student who will help us infiltrate,
if infiltrate is what I mean.
Do you mean "to penetrate an
institution surreptitiously"?
What kid's gonna help us?
Hey, cake-sniffer!
You're as ugly as something
I found in my teeth recently!
Little girl.
Little girl? I'm 4' 7".
That's a pretty broach you have.
- Make me an offer.
- I like you.
- You're not an orphan, are you?
- Do I look like I live in a shack?
Mmm.
Meet me under the
bleachers after school.
- How was your day?
- I heard nothing but pointless stories.
That's language arts.
I spent the morning writing
meaningless measurements.
That's math. How was work?
We've been in class all day
but haven't learned a thing.
There has to be someone who
can answer all our questions.
- Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter.
- We know you.
Of course you do. I work in
the cafeteria. See my hairnet?
We've met before. You were
the waiter at Lake Lachrymose.
- You were dressed as a clown.
- You gave us peppermints.
Uh, peppermints are not a
recognized part of the lunch program,
but I do have something to give you.
- Does it have to do with our parents?
- Our guardians?
_
All your questions will be
answered as soon as I give you...
Wait, I'm
sure it's in here somewhere.
Out of my way.
I deserve a heaping portion
because I'm heapingly adorable.
- You can wait in line like everyone else.
- Where is it? Where is it?
I don't have to. I don't have to
do anything I don't want to do.
Vice Principal Nero likes me best,
and there's a beef and bean burrito
with a ribbon on it just for me.
This is my lunch
that I brought from home.
- What did you have for us?
- Give it to me.
Explain how adorable I am!
- Look at her pinafore!
- Look at her pretty face!
- Sorry. I have to look for something.
- What were you gonna give us?
Uh...
Macaroni and cheese...
and boiled wieners!
No, thank you.
I guess they were late to class.
As if eating cafeteria
food isn't punishing enough.
Baudelaires, there's seats at my table,
but I'm afraid it's a
cake-sniffer-free zone.
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
Cake-sniffing
orphans in the Orphan Shack!
Leave them alone.
You're the cake-sniffer.
Nobody in their right mind
would want to eat with you.
Come sit with us.
You'll have to forgive Carmelita.
She's so awful, Mrs. Bass is
considering a life of crime.
My sister wrote a poem about her.
"I would rather eat a
bowl of vampire bats
than spend an hour
with Carmelita Spats."
That's a couplet.
Ogden Nash uses them.
I know. I've read all of his work.
I'm Isadora Quagmire, and
this is my brother Duncan.
I'm Violet Baudelaire, and
this is Klaus and Sunny.
Nice to meet you.
_
We should warn you, the
apples taste like horseradish.
Everything seems
distasteful in this place.
I hope you're surviving
the Orphan Shack.
It's pretty awful. We were
living there until yesterday.
You're orphans?
We lost our parents in a terrible
fire. And our brother, Quigley.
We were triplets.
- We're sorry to hear that.
- We lost our parents in a fire as well.
It's not fair. One minute
you're safe and happy and...
- home, and the next...
- You're in a shack full of crabs.
We can do something about the
crabs. How did you deal with them?
We taped metal to our
shoes to be extra noisy.
It scared the crabs, but it was
exhausting to tap dance all the time.
Nobody likes tap dancing.
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
Cake-sniffing orphans
in the Orphan Shack!
She's been even worse since
Nero got her those shoes.
I can invent something less
exhausting than tap shoes.
I'll need materials. Can
everybody empty their pockets?
Where did you get that?
From the ruins of our parents' home.
I think we need to talk.
We found it in the
ashes. We'd never seen it before.
Can't be a coincidence. Two
fires, two halves of a spyglass.
I think it's more than a spyglass.
There are dials, similar to ones
I read about for cracking codes.
Why would our parents have
a device for cracking codes?
Why would ours
have the same device?
They must've known each other.
Why don't we know each other? It's
like they were hiding all this stuff.
Thanks, Sunny.
Maybe they were gonna tell
us, but never got the chance.
- Maybe they were hiding it for a reason.
- Because it's dangerous?
Maybe. You're sure you've
never heard of Count Olaf?
I'm sure. But since we lost our parents,
we've seen things we can't explain.
Us, too. It has to be connected.
That's a little better.
It's scaring the crabs and it
gives the place a little style.
That's a lot better.
At Aunt Josephine's, we found a
book that might contain some answers.
We lost it in a hurricane
before we could read it.
Did it look like this?
Our last guardian locked it in
a safe after she lost her wife.
If we saw the same book,
there has to be more copies.
- How can we find one?
- Is the library open?
Not for long.
Get out of here. Give
this a decent burial.
You told me you like To
Kill a Mockingbird,
so I did it for you.
This is your last chance.
Next time, I call your mother
and steal your shoes.
I smell people who lost
their parents in fires.
Quagmires and the Baudelaires.
Lovely to see you, and
together, I might add.
Are you still open?
I'm afraid I was just locking
up. Ten minutes goes by fast.
- You can come back tomorrow.
- We can't wait. Please.
- We're trying to find a book.
- An important book.
It might have the answers
- to all of our questions.
- What's the title?
The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.
Let me see what I can do.
We only have a few minutes
before Nero comes on his rounds.
If he catches you, he'll
make you trim his toenails.
- He wouldn't.
- He would.
He would.
You don't happen to know
its Dewey Decimal number?
We don't even know who wrote it.
That's okay. That's what I'm here for.
Let's see. Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations, The.
- I'm sorry.
- You don't have it.
Due to budget cuts,
crumbling infrastructure,
and the priorities of a
certain vice principal,
this place has become something
of a faltering institution.
Although, I do have a few other
books that I think you might like.
The Incomplete History of Treachery?
The Incomplete History
of Pretentiousness?
Or, The Incomplete History of History?
That does sound fascinating, but...
I know.
In every library, there is a single book
to answer the question that
burns like a fire in the mind.
Where did you hear that?
I don't know. I must have
read it somewhere. Why?
Our father said that once.
It's awful to have people
missing from your life.
It's like a question that haunts you,
and you never know if that
question will ever be answered.
We think it might be,
with the right book.
I see.
Well, a friend of mine is
sending me some new titles
now that she's abandoned her dissertation
to become a welterweight boxer.
I'll ask her about it. Check
back with me in a day or so.
Mind if we have a look around?
- Drat.
- Drat?
Vice Principal Nero will be here in...
"Vice
Principal Nero will be here."
Vice Principal Nero is already here, and
this library is supposed to be closed!
It is closed, and it's empty.
You must be having a bad dream.
- That only worked on me once.
- Darn it.
Report to the athletic
field in ten minutes.
Attendance is mandatory.
Mandatory means "anyone
who doesn't come
has to buy me candy
and watch me eat it."
- He wouldn't.
- He would.
I would.
This is a very exciting day for me,
so you orphans and you
twins should be excited.
The Quagmires are triplets.
"Twins" is what you call triplets
when one has burned to a crisp.
If you'll excuse me, I have to
get my violin for the pep rally.
Welcome to Prufrock Prep, Baudelaires.
In a world too often governed
by corruption and arrogance,
it can be difficult to stay true to one's
philosophical and literary principles.
We wholeheartedly agree.
All decent people do.
I wanted to find that book.
We still could. We'll make a plan.
I don't know what's worse,
the word "pep" or "rally."
- They last for hours.
- We'll sneak in some fruit.
- We'll bring some for you, too.
- Thank you.
It's no trouble. Our broom
closet's next to the fruit bowl.
I don't mean for the fruit. I
mean for making us feel at home.
We haven't felt at home for a long time.
I'm sure you already know.
- What?
- What friends are for.
See you soon.
Remember what you
learned in lock-picking school.
You have to break in, get the book, give
it to the Baudelaires, quit your job,
then you never have to come
back to this school again.
- Unless it's a reunion.
- You're breaking in.
Uh, no, I'm not. I mean,
it's okay, I'm a grown-up.
- I'm telling Nero.
- You don't have to do that.
All I have to do is scream
and he'll fire you on the spot.
Unless you give me something.
I already gave you half of my burrito.
Fine, fine!
Tell me what you want, what
you really, really want.
Oh, I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want.
Hello, hello, hello.
What are helpless orphans like
you doing in a place like this?
- Who are you?
- Don't pretend this handsome face
doesn't haunt your every
waking and sleeping hour.
You will never be rid of me.
You'll never be safe.
So much to learn, orphans, and I
am here to school you.
The three of you better... Wait.
You two better... Wait.
Where's the midget?
One, two...
You're not the Baudelaires. Who are you?
Who are you, you miscreant?
Miscreant?
Oh, I know who you are now.
- You sound just like your mother, Quigley.
- Duncan.
"You miscreant, never again
will you darken the doors of this hangar."
Such a tiresome woman.
Always reading Italian poetry
and activating trap doors.
- How do you know our mother?
- Oh, I know everything, orphans.
I know the number of hairs
on each of your heads,
the number of sapphires
in your secret vaults.
The number of tombstones
in your family plots.
Well, well, it seems this trip to
Prufrock will bring me twice the fortune.
And there's nobody who can stop me.
Give me back my
burrito, you miscreant!
Larry? What...
- One eyebrow.
- I bet he has a tattoo on his ankle.
We have to warn the Baudelaires
something terrible is going to happen,
and I don't mean a pep rally.
Get moving. I'm talking
to you, cheerleaders.
Get your costume on, mascot!
Step lively, health
and hygiene instructor.
I prefer the term
interdisciplinary gender studies.
- Why won't you leave me alone?
- I'm still hungry.
I gave you my burrito.
We agreed that was fair.
I'm hungry for revenge.
- What?
- You made me suffer long enough.
The menu is chosen by
the school district.
For years you've infiltrated my schemes,
relying on morals and
literature to muck up my life.
Well, these are your
victoriously final days.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
- How did I do?
- Those last few lines were for me.
- I'm so adorable when I say them.
- But theater is about context.
- Let's take it from the flop.
- "Flop"? Take it from the top.
Never mind. The adults are speaking.
All right, fine.
Working with kids, am I right?
No. You're wrong about everything.
Same goody-goody moral stance, I see.
The only thing that's
changed is your hair.
It's a hairnet, as required
by the Department of Education.
In our organization, that's
called successful infiltration.
I learned what that word
means, but then I forgot.
All you need to remember is
that we're one step ahead of you.
Strong words coming from someone
who's scrubbing a lasagna pan.
Cannelloni.
You wouldn't dare.
This is dry-clean only.
You're in luck,
because we're taking you to the cleaners.
I don't know how you got in here.
A girl propped open the door.
- But we're sending you back out.
- What do you mean, "we"?
The pronoun for first person
plural. I'm not working alone.
Oh, goodness me, you have
comrades. You have cohorts.
Why didn't I think of that?
- En garde!
- That's French for "We gotcha!"
Do you think you can win?
Totally.
And do you know why?
You may have the smarts and the skills.
You may have the classified
codes and secret libraries.
You may have the wisdom and integrity
and various poems committed to memory.
- But do you know what I have?
- What?
- Line.
- A jeweled...
A jeweled broach!
What?
- Yes, a jeweled... Wait, what?
- A... That's...
A plan! I have a plan! You
are not much of a spy, Barry.
Larry, your waiter.
You know what they say about
the food service industry.
It's a cold, cold business.
Now we've got to rally ourselves.
- Pruf...
- Rock!
Prufrock!
Prufrock! Prufrock! Prufrock!
- Baudelaires!
- We think you're in danger.
What's wrong?
The Baudelaires are in no danger at all.
In fact, my wife just
dropped by the office
with an advance copy of
today's Daily Punctilio,
and wait till you see the headlines.
- Hello?
- This is Larry, your waiter.
You sound cold. Are
you in the mountains?
We're not due there until
the end of the season.
- Did you deliver the book?
- I had some complications.
Yes.
Yes. They even took my hairnet.
They'll stop at nothing.
You must be freezing.
Try jumping, or reciting
a Jack London story.
Oh, that's a good
idea. Would you mind sending...
Yes, of course. I'll call you a taxi.
- Poe, are you there? Focus.
- Oh, what?
No. Sorry, Mr. Tamerlane.
It was just my receptionist.
You know how it is with assistants.
Every so often, their phone rings
and they dive under their desks,
apparently to retrieve a
pen that they've dropped.
- Again.
- Snicket? Someone needs a ride, and quick.
Got it. Of course. Don't
make a mountain out of a molehill.
- The world...
- Is quiet here.
The world is quiet here.
This might sound curious, like
the motto of a secret organization,
or something your brother might
say when he arrives in his taxi
to smuggle you across the border,
high up into the mountains.
When the world is noisy, the world
may feel as if it is coming apart.
What did you see?
- We think we saw Count Olaf!
- What?
It's also hard to hold
a private conversation.
- We think Count Olaf is here!
- What?
Thank you. Thank you. Welcome
to the mandatory pep rally.
I don't know which I like
more, the word "pep" or "rally."
- I like "pep."
- I like "rally."
Maybe we should ask our
mascot! What do you say?
- What's the mascot?
- A dead horse!
It sounded like you said...
A dead horse. But that's not important.
- Who can't be beat?
- A dead horse!
- Who can't be beat?
- A dead horse!
Hi-yah!
You have to listen.
- My brother and I saw...
- Shush!
I know things seemed less peppy
since our athletes, cheerleaders
and beloved gym teacher vanished
on the way home from that away game.
But Prufrock Preparatory
School has a motto.
It's "memento mori."
It's an ancient Greek saying...
Latin.
Which means, "Remember, you will die."
And soon, indeed, the sun will
set, the fiery orb of life,
leaving me alone!
Alone!
Alone!
Until, of course, you meet
someone who truly understands
and supports you with friendship,
camaraderie and cash bribes.
Our gym teacher was irreplaceable,
but I have found someone I
know who can fill her shoes.
And now, please welcome to the stage,
a man with no résumé, no
letters of recommendation,
no credit history, but with
such a marvelous ear for music
that I've hired him as the newest
member of our faculty!
No, no, not you. No.
Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis!
Count Olaf.
So much to learn, and
I am here to school you.
by LiviuBoss
* Rambo Media Ltd *