A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - The Miserable Mill: Part One - full transcript
The orphans are shipped off to work in a miserable mill with a distant relative who has a complicated name and pays his employees with sandwich tokens.
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
- sync and corrections by Count C -
Improved, Corrected and Colored by zer0_
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening
Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode
Is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away
Look away, look away ♪
♪ The lumbermill is where the Baudelaires
Are forced to work ♪
♪ The eye doctor is sinister
The owner is a jerk ♪
♪ They end up in a fiendish plot
With logs and hypnotism ♪
♪ The very thought of watching
Should be met with skepticism ♪
♪ Just look away, look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror
And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?"
And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
(TYPING)
(TYPEWRITER DINGS)
It's a catastrophe! It's unprecedented!
It's off-book! It's unfortunate!
(GASPS) The Baudelaires are lost
and unsupervised!
Do you know what that means?
- Without supervision?
- Good God, man, you're right!
We must act now.
We must act without delay.
We... (SNIFFS)
need... (SNIFFS)
We need...
(SNIFFING)
Oh!
Oh, my.
Oh, my. This is excellent chowder.
Mmm, mmm. Good.
Oh, God... (SLURPS)
I hope Mr. Poe isn't too worried about us.
Good point.
LEMONY: If you like watching stories
in which children enjoy pleasant rides
in truck beds,
on their way to colorful destinations...
What the gum?
where they finally solve
the curious mysteries
plaguing their lives...
Get a job, hitchhikers!
that story is streaming elsewhere.
- What now?
- We walk.
It's okay, Sunny. I got you.
We're almost out of the woods. (SIGHS)
"Out of the woods" is an expression
referring to the fact
that woods are dangerous places to be.
In Hansel and Gretel...
two siblings enter the woods
and are menaced by an elderly cannibal.
In Little Red Riding Hood,
a wolf enters the woods
and is menaced by a rude little girl.
And in Walden,
a poet enters the woods
and is menaced by revelations
that we should abandon civilization
and live by a pond.
(SIGHS) It is for that reason that
"out of the woods" has come to mean
"a return to safety, away from menace
and disturbing revelations."
I am sorry to say while Violet was right
in that the Baudelaires
were almost out of the forest...
they were far from out of the woods.
(HORN BLOWS)
KLAUS:
It looks like there was a fire here.
- Everything's gone.
- VIOLET: Not everything.
KLAUS: "Lucky Smells Lumbermill."
VIOLET:
Maybe this is where all the clues lead us.
The secret safe and the strange
photographs at Aunt Josephine's.
KLAUS: The secret message and
the strange statue lady at Uncle Monty's.
The only thing standing between us
and all our parents' secrets...
KLAUS: is an enormous wooden wall.
What if we don't like what we find?
Knowing can be a terrible thing.
But not knowing, isn't that worse?
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) I bet I could invent a catapult
to get us over.
I read about walls.
The Wall of Jericho,
the Great Wall of China.
All I need is a lever, a counterweight
and a very large spoon.
Pink Floyd's The Wall.
Although Mother wouldn't
let me watch that one.
- (GATE CREAKING)
- Sunny?
(SUNNY BABBLING)
- Does this make us trespassers?
- We're children.
Those aren't mutually exclusive.
If we get caught, we'll just say we were
on a school trip. Come on.
KLAUS: What exactly are we looking for?
VIOLET:
It's like Father said about fine art.
We'll know it when we see it.
I think we're in the right place.
Or the very, very wrong place.
- It could just be a coincidence.
- It could be Count Olaf.
Maybe we should leave.
(BOTH YELP)
(SIGHS) Forgive me.
I thought you might be trespassers.
But now I see you're just children.
- They're not mutually...
- We're on a school trip.
Right, because we're schoolchildren.
Well, this lumbermill is hardly
a safe place for children.
And I should know, I run it.
I'm Charles.
Do you recognize any of these people?
I think you better come
and see my partner.
Do you know what happened
to the town over there?
Well, it's a sad story.
Paltryville used to be booming.
We had a world food market,
two hot yoga studios,
and there was even talk of a water park.
The name Paltryville was a misnomer.
And then one day, the whole town
burned down in a terrible fire.
Luckily, the lumbermill survived...
and the eye-shaped building,
which actually belongs to...
Oh, look, here we are.
Uh, children, I'd like you to meet...
Call me Sir.
Everybody does 'cause I tell 'em to.
I'm the boss.
They have to do what I say,
even my partner here.
(CHARLES COUGHS)
Doesn't "partner" mean "equal"?
Well, in fact,
"partners" can mean several things.
It could mean "two people who own
a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery."
Now, with the advent of
more progressive cultural mores,
not to mention certain High Court rulings,
it could also mean...
I do all the work. He irons my clothes.
(SCOFFS) I also cook your omelets.
The definitions are not
mutually exclusive.
I found them wandering unsupervised,
poor dears.
Well, you know what we do
with trespassers, don't you, Charles?
But they're only children.
I thought we could take them in.
Give them a loving, normative home.
Nonsense.
I believe you treat children
like grown-ups.
Put 'em to work in the mill.
It'll teach them responsibility.
It'll teach them the value of hard work.
And it'll teach 'em how to make
flat wooden boards out of trees.
- But, Sir...
- Don't argue with me. We're partners.
If we work in the mill,
do we get to stay here?
"Get to"?
This one gets it.
In this economy,
children are lucky to have a job at all.
- What's your name, young lady?
- Violet... Baudelaire.
- A Baudelaire.
- Wait, do you... do you know that name?
Of course I do.
Every man, woman and child in Paltryville
knows the name Baudelaire.
Why? Did you know our parents?
Who are the other people
in this photograph?
I don't understand what "ack" means,
but if you want to know about
your parents, they... (GAGS)
- (COUGHING)
- Sir.
Every time we're about to get
some answers.
- Seriously?
- (SIR CLEARS THROAT)
It's these cigars.
I hate the things, but I can't quit
smoking 'em. I'm the boss.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah. There's a reason
this town will never forget your parents.
They're the ones that burned it down.
(VIOLET AND KLAUS GASP SOFTLY)
Our parents did what?
I'm an important man.
Don't make me repeat myself.
They burned down the town!
They're, um...
not anywhere nearby, are they?
They died... in a fire.
Good.
What goes around comes around.
It's a terrible thing, startin' a fire.
Why are you still standing there?
You got work to do in the morning.
Tell me, truck driver,
you're sure there were three of them?
I'm sure I'm sure.
A tall girl, a boy with glasses
and a little baby
who I think bit a hole in my spare tire.
And did they seem like orphans
with an enormous fortune?
I don't know about that.
They snuck into my truck
and I threw 'em out
maybe 2.5 miles outside of Paltryville,
- like I told you.
- (SIGHS) Paltryville.
- You've been there before?
- Mmm. It's been years.
- Tell me, truck driver...
- I said my name was Evander.
Did you ever know a woman, truck driver,
who took your heart
and rattled it like a baby in a cage?
Who joined you for years
on a sequence of heists and schemes
until the two of you were forced apart
by circumstance,
and also because you ran off
in the middle of the night
with a bunch of her valuables?
Uh, no, I've been in the lumber industry
all my life.
Hmm.
You can let me off here,
in the middle of town.
For you.
Seriously?
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
That night
in the lumbermill workers' dorm,
the Baudelaires pondered
what they'd heard,
and the weight of it felt like
it had aged them a hundred years.
Though, of course, it hadn't.
NORMA RAE:
Did you hear about the new recruits?
- They're Baudelaires.
- I hear their folks were arsonists.
I hear they checked out library books
and never returned them.
I hear they drank blood
from the skulls of chupacabras.
You mean they drank from baby skulls
like chupacabras.
I know what I heard.
That's ridiculous.
Did any of you actually meet our parents?
- I think Jimmy did.
- Norma Rae is here longer.
Don't look at me. Look at Cesar.
Do you know anything
about what happened to this town?
- We're not allowed to talk about that.
- It's too terrible.
Also, we don't know.
Then you shouldn't be spreading rumors.
I never believed those rumors anyway.
So... where are your parents now?
We're orphans.
Lucky you!
The unsupervised life.
No rules, no curfews.
(SIR OVER PA)
Lights out. Two seconds.
But it's only six o'clock.
Oh, boy, more time for dreaming.
(CHUCKLES) I'm Phil,
and I am excited to work with you kids.
Thank you. I'm Violet.
These are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny.
Listen, I... I know things seem dark.
But you have to look on the bright side.
So your parents burned down towns.
You don't have to be like your parents.
My parents were Olympic athletes
and look at me.
I work in a lumbermill. (LAUGHS)
LEMONY: From Phil's words,
the Baudelaires could tell that
their new coworker was an optimist...
Who wants a welcome packet?
a word meaning
"person who thinks hopeful thoughts
about even the bleakest situation."
For example, if an optimist were to have
his right arm bitten off by an alligator,
he might say, "Oh, boy,
half-price manicures for life."
Whereas the rest of us would say,
"Ah, my arm!"
"Optimist" is not to be confused
with "optometrist,"
a word meaning "healthcare professional
who performs eye exams."
Though both can be dangerous.
Still, while they pored over the dense
contents of their welcome packets
and poked at dense beef casserole
with their welcome spoons,
the Baudelaires faced
their first night in Paltryville
with some attempted optimism of their own.
Look. The mill has a library.
Maybe you can research what happened here
and clear our parents' names.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Look. The mill has machines.
Maybe you could invent a way of making
wooden planks out of trees faster.
What does it say it is?
KLAUS: Optimist's office.
I meant optometrist's office.
Father always said he didn't trust either.
But what does an optometrist's office
have to do with Count Olaf?
Maybe Phil was right.
We should look on the bright side.
This mill may be miserable,
but since we got here,
we haven't seen Count Olaf once.
What if that eye really was a coincidence?
What if we've finally found a place
where Count Olaf won't find us?
Wish I could say she was right,
but Violet was asking the wrong questions.
The question
she should have been asking was...
where does Count Olaf's
ex-girlfriend work?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
- Who is it?
- I'm looking for a Dr. Orwell.
Um... who's calling, please?
I'm just an old friend.
Um, Dr. Orwell's not here right now.
And she doesn't have any old friends.
Ah, but this is an old friend
who severely regrets his actions.
- Really?
- Yes.
He's brokenhearted, and he wants very much
to forget the whole thing.
So he isn't just knocking
on Dr. Orwell's door
because he needs something for himself?
(OLAF CHUCKLES)
No. He's just in town,
looking for Dr. Georgina Orwell,
in the hopes
of somehow making things right.
Because life is so short,
it is so rare to meet,
to find someone
who shares one's brilliance, one's charm,
one's dubious moral code
in a world gone gloriously wrong.
Such people must stick together
like comrades, like partners, like...
You've changed your hair.
Olaf.
Georgina.
I swore I would never
let you darken my door again.
I took a solemn oath that my office
would be closed to you forever,
even during regular business hours.
You're not still mad about...
whatever I did.
You left me to drown.
Water under the bridge.
- That's where you left me.
- Are you sure that was you?
Sorry, I have my own life now,
with my own evil scheme,
which I've put a lot of work into
and I don't need you ruining,
like that bar mitzvah.
What if I told you we had another chance
to destroy the Baudelaires?
The Baudelaires?
Well, their miserable children this time.
Fate has brought us together, my pet.
Fate and fortune.
How big a fortune are we talking?
(CHUCKLES)
Is Sunny asleep?
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
She's dreaming about biting something.
Why?
What Sir said about our parents.
- You don't think it could be true.
- Of course not.
Then you agree what we have to do.
- Of course. Clear their names.
- Get out of here. Wait, what?
If we clear their names,
maybe we can finally get some answers.
- Maybe they wouldn't want us here.
- Then they shouldn't have left us alone.
You know that's not what they did.
I'm sorry. I know it's not their fault.
And I know
you're just trying to be cautious.
(WORKERS SNORING)
KLAUS:
I guess we're not seeing eye to eye.
I wish they were here.
- Our parents.
- I know.
I don't like this place either.
But staying is the best way to find out
what our parents were hiding.
The best way to find out
would be to ask them.
(SIGHS)
But we never can.
- We can't keep hiding like this.
- You're right.
- Our enemies are too close already.
- I mean from the children.
We can't keep hiding
this part of our lives.
When we get back,
we're gonna tell them everything.
What we do. Why we do it.
We need to make it back first.
What do you think?
We're not out of the woods.
LEMONY:
Morning is an important time of day,
because how you begin your morning
can often tell you
what kind of day you're going to have.
If you wake up in a mansion
to a butler serving you blueberry pancakes
and fresh-squeezed orange juice...
your day will probably be wonderful.
If you wake up in a lumbermill
to the sound of metal pots
banging together...
(FLACUTONO OVER PA)
Get up, lumber workers!
- (POTS CLANGING)
- This is your new foreman,
and you've got a new shipment of logs
to turn into flat wooden boards.
What's that horrible noise?
It sounds like
someone banging metal pots together.
I believe everyone has a good side.
But I have to admit,
our last foreman was a lot nicer. (LAUGHS)
- What happened to your last foreman?
- Must've quit in middle of the night.
It happens a lot around here.
(FLACUTONO OVER PA)
Hurry up. It's log day.
I hate log days.
FLACUTONO: Now grab a debarker
and start debarking.
You too, lumber midgets.
Oh, I love log day. (CHUCKLES)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
FLACUTONO: Lunch break, lumber slowpokes.
- (SIGHS)
- I hate log days.
Told ya!
We finally get a break.
Lunch break. Five minutes.
Oh, boy, five whole minutes. (CHUCKLES)
It's gum. This is gum.
Gum isn't lunch.
It's not even a snack.
It's not very filling, but it's all
they'll let you eat until dinner.
Can we use our wages
to buy some sandwiches?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Lady, we're not paid in wages.
We're paid in coupons.
I got one for 20% off a shampoo
at Ed's Haircut Palace.
I got a free refill of iced tea.
I got "Buy two banjos, get one free."
'Course I can't buy any banjos
'cause I don't have any money.
Just coupons.
That can't be legal.
It's not like we have a constitution.
(CHUCKLES)
If this place is so miserable,
why don't you leave?
ALL: Lucky Smells is our life.
Lucky Smells is our home.
We need to find those answers
and get out of here, fast.
According to the map,
the mill library should be just behind...
behind this door.
Trying to get out of log day, are you?
We wanted to visit the library
on our lunch break, Sir.
Oh, what a lovely idea.
I told you a library
would be good for morale.
Nonsense.
Lunch breaks are for chewing gum,
not sneaking off to libraries.
- That's why you only need five minutes.
- But, Sir...
You're not gonna cause trouble
for this mill, are you?
Trouble? I'm your partner.
- I'm speaking to the Baudelaires.
- Right.
I took a chance
on treating you like grown-ups.
Don't make me regret it.
Now, get back to work!
You'll have to excuse Sir.
He recently cut down on the smoking.
Do you know he feeds the workers gum
and pays them in coupons?
Yes, well, I've tried to discuss that.
If you guys are partners,
you should be able to stand up to him.
It's complicated.
I know Sir can be prickly,
but you have to understand,
he had a very terrible childhood.
I understand.
I'm having
a very terrible childhood right now.
(WHISPERS) Okay.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
- You're thinking something.
- It's the new foreman.
Phil said he just showed up last night.
What if he's Count Olaf
and being a foreman's his new disguise?
He is cruel like Count Olaf,
but Count Olaf runs a horrible
theater company, not a lumbermill.
But isn't it suspicious
how we never see his face?
And we only ever hear his voice
over the loudspeaker.
The mill is noisy.
Besides, it's probably the only way
anyone could ever hear him.
I know what you're trying to do.
Keep us safe.
Find a reason to leave.
And we will, I promise, as soon as
we clear our parents' names.
I... I need a new debarker.
(FLACUTONO SNORING)
(GRUNTING)
- What are you doing, midget?
- I... need a new debarker.
Spoiled brat wants a new debarker.
Old rusty one
isn't good enough for him, eh?
They're over there, rich boy.
Wait...
(GRUNTS)
- Whoopsie!
- Klaus!
Your glasses, they're...
- Twisted.
- Cracked.
Hopelessly broken.
They look A-okay to me.
The foreman kicked him
and stepped on his glasses.
How could I kick him
when I'm up in this booth?
It was probably karma.
- Can you see?
- A little.
He'll live. Get back to work.
(SCOFFS) He can't work if he can't see.
He needs an optometrist.
Lucky for you, we've got a great one
right here in what's left of our town.
The building shaped like an eye?
Oh, yeah,
Dr. Orwell treats all the workers.
You probably saw the coupon
in your welcome packet.
I better get you there.
I'll be fine.
Maybe I can find some answers.
Maybe I can find some answers, too.
(FLACUTONO CHUCKLES)
Your cruelty is as sweet as this coffee
I'm dumping this sugar into.
Oh, Georgina, I missed this.
You, me, an evil scheme, a little death.
La petite mort.
You know I love it when you speak Spanish.
Let's run away to Europe and find
a charming little country to take over.
What about the children?
Shouldn't we live together first?
The Baudelaire children.
Hmm.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh!
Let me.
(IMITATES WOMAN) Dr. Orwell's office.
FLACUTONO: Hey, boss.
He's on his way.
- He...
- (PHONE CUTS OFF)
He's on his way.
In the book The Great Gatsby,
there's a famous sign
shaped like a pair of eyeglasses.
Does it represent an optometrist?
It represents the eyes of God staring down
and judging society as a moral wasteland.
Oh, that sounds like a fun book.
Listen... I know going to the doctor
can be scary.
But doctors are your friends.
Come on.
Phil was wrong, of course.
As anyone who's been to a doctor knows,
doctors are not necessarily your friends,
any more than butchers, mail deliverers,
or refrigerator repair people
are your friends.
I myself once fought with a most
unfriendly refrigerator repair person.
I wonder what ever happened to him.
(SIGHS) Ordinarily, we'd never impose,
but we're in urgent need of a ride.
- Partners?
- Always, darling.
(GRUNTING)
We better hurry,
before the foreman realizes we're gone.
Or before Sir gets back.
They're all The History
of Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Who would want so many copies
of the same book?
(SCOFFS) Of course.
Whenever Klaus reads
a long, difficult book,
the first thing he does
is reads the table of contents.
"Chapter 12. The Paltryville Fire."
"The Baudelaires were
unequivocally responsible..."
The rest is crossed out.
This one's crossed out, too.
(SIGHS)
(GASPS) This one's not crossed out.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
- (GASPS)
CHARLES: Sir, your goat cheese
and beef jerky omelet is ready.
(WHISPERS) We have to get out of here.
A dictionary.
But why are you showing this to me?
You can't read.
The quote that Sunny found scrawled
on the inside cover has been said
by many of my associates over the years.
It goes...
VIOLET: "In every library,
there is a single book
that can answer the question
that burns like a fire in the mind."
It wasn't the quote
that caught Sunny's eye,
nor was it the reference to fire
that set Violet's heart racing.
It was the handwriting.
For when Violet saw
the strong left lean of the L's,
and the confident closed loop
of the O's, she knew who wrote it
even before she saw the name
on the library checkout card.
VIOLET: "Bertrand Baudelaire."
Or as Violet and Sunny knew him...
Father!
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
They're good children.
I don't see why we have to lie to them.
The truth is right there in your book.
Not anymore.
I had it redacted.
- Sir, you defaced your own book?
- I didn't have a choice.
Charles, we made certain deals
to keep this mill open.
And if she wants us to cover up the truth
and blame the fire on the Baudelaires,
well... that's the cost of doing business.
CHARLES: Is it really worth it?
This mill is all I have, Charles.
And you.
Of course I have you.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHIL WHISTLING)
Klaus Baudelaire.
(STAMMERS) You're Dr. Orwell?
Yes, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
I was on my lunch hour.
Looks like somebody broke their glasses.
See? Perfectly friendly.
Well, you catch more flies
with honey than with vinegar.
Actually, you catch the most flies
with manure.
Aren't you smart?
It's just an expression.
A fancy way of saying you're more likely
to get what you want
by acting in a sweet way,
than in a distasteful way, like vinegar.
Wave goodbye to your friend.
Goodbye?
Is this really necessary
to fix my glasses?
An eye exam is standard procedure
for all my patients.
You look nervous.
Father always said he didn't trust
optimists or optometrists.
Well, sounds like he may have had
a bad experience with one.
I wonder who she was.
Or if she ever practiced
optometry again...
after the heartbreak, and the lawsuit
and the plastic surgery to assume
a new identity in a faraway town.
- What did you say?
- I said try not to blink.
You're a smart boy.
Do you know what bedside manner means?
- (STAMMERS) It's when...
- It's when a doctor speaks
in a calm and reassuring voice
to make sure his patients trust him.
And how are we feeling, Klaus?
- Not good.
- Because you broke your glasses.
Because of this town.
Everyone thinks our parents did
this bad thing,
but they never even met them.
Well, I'm not like everyone else.
You don't believe it.
I met your parents.
Standard procedure
for nervous little boys.
That's standard, too.
Now focus here, Klaus,
and tell me what you see.
An E or an A?
- An...
- An E or an A?
- An A.
- An A or a C?
- A C.
- A sea or a lake?
- Wait, what?
- A reptile or an amphibian?
Fire or accident?
A blonde or a bottle blonde?
A parent or an arsonist?
Tell me what you see, Klaus.
OLAF: Yes, you little bookworm,
tell us what you see.
I'm sure he'll be back soon.
Why don't you play a game of solitaire
to pass the time?
- Violet?
- Hmm?
That's not a window.
Lights out.
(BLOWS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Klaus?
We were worried.
You were gone so long.
You're not wearing your glasses.
Are they still being fixed?
What was it like inside the eye? Klaus?
You're smiling.
I'm happy to be here, sir.
What? I'm not Sir. I'm your sister.
While you were gone,
I heard Sir talking to Charles.
He said he made a deal
to cover something up.
There's something bigger going on here.
- Shh.
- (JIMMY GRUNTS) Quiet.
(SOFTLY) Did you hear what I said?
I guess it's been a long day.
Would you like to go to sleep?
Yes, sir.
Your shoes are still on.
Klaus?
I promised our parents
I'd always look out for Klaus.
But I didn't.
He wanted to leave and I made him stay.
Except now he's acting strange.
It's all my fault.
(SNIFFLES)
There's no one else to fix it.
(FLACUTONO OVER PA)
Get up, lumber laborers.
Lucky Smells has no time for dawdling.
Klaus Baude-liar, would you like
to get out of bed this instant?
- Yes, sir.
- Would you like to bring your baby sister?
Klaus?
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
FLACUTONO: Lucky boy.
It's wood chipper day.
Would you like to make some mulch?
(MACHINERY POWERING UP)
(SUNNY BABBLING)
What are you doing?
You're frightening Sunny and
you're frightening me. What's going on?
Lucky Smells Lumbermill. This is he.
The Baudelaire orphans
working here at the mill?
That's ridiculous. They're children.
They're probably somewhere
enjoying a hot cup of coffee
in front of a roaring fire...
wherever they are,
which certainly isn't here.
Now, who is this?
Hello? (GROANS)
- What's wrong?
- With me? Nothing.
We've fought a host
of unsavory characters,
including a most unfriendly
refrigerator repair person.
We've flown a plane into a hurricane.
We've been to Peru and back
to get home to our children.
And today, finally, we'll all be together.
What could be wrong?
(ENGINE STARTS)
Stop it and we can leave.
Lucky Smells is our life.
Lucky Smells is our home.
No, it's not.
A home is where people take care of you,
not make you work in a mill for gum.
I should've listened to you
when you wanted to go.
If you're still in there,
I want you to know I miss you
an inordinate amount.
Inordinate?
(CHUCKLES) What...
what the heck does that mean?
It can mean many things.
Immoderate, irregular.
But in this case, I think it means
you missed me a lot.
- Klaus, you're back!
- Where was I?
Why am I not wearing shoes?
We'll have to explain
how you hurt your leg.
- Ballroom dancing?
- They'll believe that.
They've seen you dance.
(BOTH SIGH)
I don't know what's going on here,
but we need to...
(FLACUTONO OVER PA) Baude-liars!
- We need to...
- I'm talking to you, lumber brats.
Go to the very fancy door.
You have visitors.
Ah, there you are, children.
Now, I know your time here
hasn't been peachy,
but your luck is about to change.
Because I brought you... this peach.
(CHUCKLES)
But who's visiting us?
Oh, I don't know.
But they can't come inside,
because that would be trespassing,
and then they'd be put to work.
But I can tell you they are just
on the other side of that very fancy door.
(SIGHS)
MOTHER: Children?
Children?
Duncan, Quigley, Isadora?
Mother?
Father!
- Get over here, you three.
- How was your work trip?
Mrs. Quagmire:
Oh, we're just happy to be home.
How did you hurt your leg?
Breaking out of prison in Peru.
I beg you, turn this program off now.
Imagine this story has a happy ending.
You can pretend the woman at the door
is the Duchess of Winnipeg,
and she's come to throw the Baudelaires
a pony party at her chateau.
Or you can pretend that she's a butler
with a tray of blueberry pancakes,
or a loving parent
that you thought you'd never see again.
But if you choose to watch on,
let me warn you,
the misery does not end here.
In fact, I visited Paltryville myself
many years later.
It was long after the Lucky Smells
Lumbermill had closed its doors...
and Dr. Orwell's office
had fallen into disrepair.
Of course, the building wasn't originally
an optometrist office at all,
but the headquarters
of a secret organization.
That is where I learned what happened
to Klaus Baudelaire.
Poor, poor Klaus Baudelaire.
It's enough to make you want to abandon
civilization and live by a pond.
But if you choose to look this misery
in the eye,
you should be asking one question.
It's the same question
that the Baudelaires should've asked,
my beloved Beatrice should've asked
on the day that she died.
And that question is...
where is Count Olaf?
My, my, my, my, my!
Aren't you a lucky boy?
Yes, sir.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Yeah, this is he.
The Baudelaire orphans,
working at the mill?
Well, that's ridiculous.
You might be wondering about the identity
of the mysterious caller
who rang to inquire about the Baudelaires.
I've conducted extensive research,
and all that I can tell you is that,
whoever it was...
Now, who is this?
Hello?
they were of no help whatsoever.
Hmm, well...
Let's see what's next on the list.
(INSTRUMENTAL THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
- sync and corrections by Count C -
Improved, Corrected and Colored by zer0_
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ This show will wreck your evening
Your whole life and your day ♪
♪ Every single episode
Is nothing but dismay ♪
♪ So look away
Look away, look away ♪
♪ The lumbermill is where the Baudelaires
Are forced to work ♪
♪ The eye doctor is sinister
The owner is a jerk ♪
♪ They end up in a fiendish plot
With logs and hypnotism ♪
♪ The very thought of watching
Should be met with skepticism ♪
♪ Just look away, look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror
And inconvenience on the way ♪
♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?"
And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
(TYPING)
(TYPEWRITER DINGS)
It's a catastrophe! It's unprecedented!
It's off-book! It's unfortunate!
(GASPS) The Baudelaires are lost
and unsupervised!
Do you know what that means?
- Without supervision?
- Good God, man, you're right!
We must act now.
We must act without delay.
We... (SNIFFS)
need... (SNIFFS)
We need...
(SNIFFING)
Oh!
Oh, my.
Oh, my. This is excellent chowder.
Mmm, mmm. Good.
Oh, God... (SLURPS)
I hope Mr. Poe isn't too worried about us.
Good point.
LEMONY: If you like watching stories
in which children enjoy pleasant rides
in truck beds,
on their way to colorful destinations...
What the gum?
where they finally solve
the curious mysteries
plaguing their lives...
Get a job, hitchhikers!
that story is streaming elsewhere.
- What now?
- We walk.
It's okay, Sunny. I got you.
We're almost out of the woods. (SIGHS)
"Out of the woods" is an expression
referring to the fact
that woods are dangerous places to be.
In Hansel and Gretel...
two siblings enter the woods
and are menaced by an elderly cannibal.
In Little Red Riding Hood,
a wolf enters the woods
and is menaced by a rude little girl.
And in Walden,
a poet enters the woods
and is menaced by revelations
that we should abandon civilization
and live by a pond.
(SIGHS) It is for that reason that
"out of the woods" has come to mean
"a return to safety, away from menace
and disturbing revelations."
I am sorry to say while Violet was right
in that the Baudelaires
were almost out of the forest...
they were far from out of the woods.
(HORN BLOWS)
KLAUS:
It looks like there was a fire here.
- Everything's gone.
- VIOLET: Not everything.
KLAUS: "Lucky Smells Lumbermill."
VIOLET:
Maybe this is where all the clues lead us.
The secret safe and the strange
photographs at Aunt Josephine's.
KLAUS: The secret message and
the strange statue lady at Uncle Monty's.
The only thing standing between us
and all our parents' secrets...
KLAUS: is an enormous wooden wall.
What if we don't like what we find?
Knowing can be a terrible thing.
But not knowing, isn't that worse?
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) I bet I could invent a catapult
to get us over.
I read about walls.
The Wall of Jericho,
the Great Wall of China.
All I need is a lever, a counterweight
and a very large spoon.
Pink Floyd's The Wall.
Although Mother wouldn't
let me watch that one.
- (GATE CREAKING)
- Sunny?
(SUNNY BABBLING)
- Does this make us trespassers?
- We're children.
Those aren't mutually exclusive.
If we get caught, we'll just say we were
on a school trip. Come on.
KLAUS: What exactly are we looking for?
VIOLET:
It's like Father said about fine art.
We'll know it when we see it.
I think we're in the right place.
Or the very, very wrong place.
- It could just be a coincidence.
- It could be Count Olaf.
Maybe we should leave.
(BOTH YELP)
(SIGHS) Forgive me.
I thought you might be trespassers.
But now I see you're just children.
- They're not mutually...
- We're on a school trip.
Right, because we're schoolchildren.
Well, this lumbermill is hardly
a safe place for children.
And I should know, I run it.
I'm Charles.
Do you recognize any of these people?
I think you better come
and see my partner.
Do you know what happened
to the town over there?
Well, it's a sad story.
Paltryville used to be booming.
We had a world food market,
two hot yoga studios,
and there was even talk of a water park.
The name Paltryville was a misnomer.
And then one day, the whole town
burned down in a terrible fire.
Luckily, the lumbermill survived...
and the eye-shaped building,
which actually belongs to...
Oh, look, here we are.
Uh, children, I'd like you to meet...
Call me Sir.
Everybody does 'cause I tell 'em to.
I'm the boss.
They have to do what I say,
even my partner here.
(CHARLES COUGHS)
Doesn't "partner" mean "equal"?
Well, in fact,
"partners" can mean several things.
It could mean "two people who own
a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery."
Now, with the advent of
more progressive cultural mores,
not to mention certain High Court rulings,
it could also mean...
I do all the work. He irons my clothes.
(SCOFFS) I also cook your omelets.
The definitions are not
mutually exclusive.
I found them wandering unsupervised,
poor dears.
Well, you know what we do
with trespassers, don't you, Charles?
But they're only children.
I thought we could take them in.
Give them a loving, normative home.
Nonsense.
I believe you treat children
like grown-ups.
Put 'em to work in the mill.
It'll teach them responsibility.
It'll teach them the value of hard work.
And it'll teach 'em how to make
flat wooden boards out of trees.
- But, Sir...
- Don't argue with me. We're partners.
If we work in the mill,
do we get to stay here?
"Get to"?
This one gets it.
In this economy,
children are lucky to have a job at all.
- What's your name, young lady?
- Violet... Baudelaire.
- A Baudelaire.
- Wait, do you... do you know that name?
Of course I do.
Every man, woman and child in Paltryville
knows the name Baudelaire.
Why? Did you know our parents?
Who are the other people
in this photograph?
I don't understand what "ack" means,
but if you want to know about
your parents, they... (GAGS)
- (COUGHING)
- Sir.
Every time we're about to get
some answers.
- Seriously?
- (SIR CLEARS THROAT)
It's these cigars.
I hate the things, but I can't quit
smoking 'em. I'm the boss.
Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah. There's a reason
this town will never forget your parents.
They're the ones that burned it down.
(VIOLET AND KLAUS GASP SOFTLY)
Our parents did what?
I'm an important man.
Don't make me repeat myself.
They burned down the town!
They're, um...
not anywhere nearby, are they?
They died... in a fire.
Good.
What goes around comes around.
It's a terrible thing, startin' a fire.
Why are you still standing there?
You got work to do in the morning.
Tell me, truck driver,
you're sure there were three of them?
I'm sure I'm sure.
A tall girl, a boy with glasses
and a little baby
who I think bit a hole in my spare tire.
And did they seem like orphans
with an enormous fortune?
I don't know about that.
They snuck into my truck
and I threw 'em out
maybe 2.5 miles outside of Paltryville,
- like I told you.
- (SIGHS) Paltryville.
- You've been there before?
- Mmm. It's been years.
- Tell me, truck driver...
- I said my name was Evander.
Did you ever know a woman, truck driver,
who took your heart
and rattled it like a baby in a cage?
Who joined you for years
on a sequence of heists and schemes
until the two of you were forced apart
by circumstance,
and also because you ran off
in the middle of the night
with a bunch of her valuables?
Uh, no, I've been in the lumber industry
all my life.
Hmm.
You can let me off here,
in the middle of town.
For you.
Seriously?
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
That night
in the lumbermill workers' dorm,
the Baudelaires pondered
what they'd heard,
and the weight of it felt like
it had aged them a hundred years.
Though, of course, it hadn't.
NORMA RAE:
Did you hear about the new recruits?
- They're Baudelaires.
- I hear their folks were arsonists.
I hear they checked out library books
and never returned them.
I hear they drank blood
from the skulls of chupacabras.
You mean they drank from baby skulls
like chupacabras.
I know what I heard.
That's ridiculous.
Did any of you actually meet our parents?
- I think Jimmy did.
- Norma Rae is here longer.
Don't look at me. Look at Cesar.
Do you know anything
about what happened to this town?
- We're not allowed to talk about that.
- It's too terrible.
Also, we don't know.
Then you shouldn't be spreading rumors.
I never believed those rumors anyway.
So... where are your parents now?
We're orphans.
Lucky you!
The unsupervised life.
No rules, no curfews.
(SIR OVER PA)
Lights out. Two seconds.
But it's only six o'clock.
Oh, boy, more time for dreaming.
(CHUCKLES) I'm Phil,
and I am excited to work with you kids.
Thank you. I'm Violet.
These are my siblings, Klaus and Sunny.
Listen, I... I know things seem dark.
But you have to look on the bright side.
So your parents burned down towns.
You don't have to be like your parents.
My parents were Olympic athletes
and look at me.
I work in a lumbermill. (LAUGHS)
LEMONY: From Phil's words,
the Baudelaires could tell that
their new coworker was an optimist...
Who wants a welcome packet?
a word meaning
"person who thinks hopeful thoughts
about even the bleakest situation."
For example, if an optimist were to have
his right arm bitten off by an alligator,
he might say, "Oh, boy,
half-price manicures for life."
Whereas the rest of us would say,
"Ah, my arm!"
"Optimist" is not to be confused
with "optometrist,"
a word meaning "healthcare professional
who performs eye exams."
Though both can be dangerous.
Still, while they pored over the dense
contents of their welcome packets
and poked at dense beef casserole
with their welcome spoons,
the Baudelaires faced
their first night in Paltryville
with some attempted optimism of their own.
Look. The mill has a library.
Maybe you can research what happened here
and clear our parents' names.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Look. The mill has machines.
Maybe you could invent a way of making
wooden planks out of trees faster.
What does it say it is?
KLAUS: Optimist's office.
I meant optometrist's office.
Father always said he didn't trust either.
But what does an optometrist's office
have to do with Count Olaf?
Maybe Phil was right.
We should look on the bright side.
This mill may be miserable,
but since we got here,
we haven't seen Count Olaf once.
What if that eye really was a coincidence?
What if we've finally found a place
where Count Olaf won't find us?
Wish I could say she was right,
but Violet was asking the wrong questions.
The question
she should have been asking was...
where does Count Olaf's
ex-girlfriend work?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
- Who is it?
- I'm looking for a Dr. Orwell.
Um... who's calling, please?
I'm just an old friend.
Um, Dr. Orwell's not here right now.
And she doesn't have any old friends.
Ah, but this is an old friend
who severely regrets his actions.
- Really?
- Yes.
He's brokenhearted, and he wants very much
to forget the whole thing.
So he isn't just knocking
on Dr. Orwell's door
because he needs something for himself?
(OLAF CHUCKLES)
No. He's just in town,
looking for Dr. Georgina Orwell,
in the hopes
of somehow making things right.
Because life is so short,
it is so rare to meet,
to find someone
who shares one's brilliance, one's charm,
one's dubious moral code
in a world gone gloriously wrong.
Such people must stick together
like comrades, like partners, like...
You've changed your hair.
Olaf.
Georgina.
I swore I would never
let you darken my door again.
I took a solemn oath that my office
would be closed to you forever,
even during regular business hours.
You're not still mad about...
whatever I did.
You left me to drown.
Water under the bridge.
- That's where you left me.
- Are you sure that was you?
Sorry, I have my own life now,
with my own evil scheme,
which I've put a lot of work into
and I don't need you ruining,
like that bar mitzvah.
What if I told you we had another chance
to destroy the Baudelaires?
The Baudelaires?
Well, their miserable children this time.
Fate has brought us together, my pet.
Fate and fortune.
How big a fortune are we talking?
(CHUCKLES)
Is Sunny asleep?
(CHUCKLES LIGHTLY)
She's dreaming about biting something.
Why?
What Sir said about our parents.
- You don't think it could be true.
- Of course not.
Then you agree what we have to do.
- Of course. Clear their names.
- Get out of here. Wait, what?
If we clear their names,
maybe we can finally get some answers.
- Maybe they wouldn't want us here.
- Then they shouldn't have left us alone.
You know that's not what they did.
I'm sorry. I know it's not their fault.
And I know
you're just trying to be cautious.
(WORKERS SNORING)
KLAUS:
I guess we're not seeing eye to eye.
I wish they were here.
- Our parents.
- I know.
I don't like this place either.
But staying is the best way to find out
what our parents were hiding.
The best way to find out
would be to ask them.
(SIGHS)
But we never can.
- We can't keep hiding like this.
- You're right.
- Our enemies are too close already.
- I mean from the children.
We can't keep hiding
this part of our lives.
When we get back,
we're gonna tell them everything.
What we do. Why we do it.
We need to make it back first.
What do you think?
We're not out of the woods.
LEMONY:
Morning is an important time of day,
because how you begin your morning
can often tell you
what kind of day you're going to have.
If you wake up in a mansion
to a butler serving you blueberry pancakes
and fresh-squeezed orange juice...
your day will probably be wonderful.
If you wake up in a lumbermill
to the sound of metal pots
banging together...
(FLACUTONO OVER PA)
Get up, lumber workers!
- (POTS CLANGING)
- This is your new foreman,
and you've got a new shipment of logs
to turn into flat wooden boards.
What's that horrible noise?
It sounds like
someone banging metal pots together.
I believe everyone has a good side.
But I have to admit,
our last foreman was a lot nicer. (LAUGHS)
- What happened to your last foreman?
- Must've quit in middle of the night.
It happens a lot around here.
(FLACUTONO OVER PA)
Hurry up. It's log day.
I hate log days.
FLACUTONO: Now grab a debarker
and start debarking.
You too, lumber midgets.
Oh, I love log day. (CHUCKLES)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
FLACUTONO: Lunch break, lumber slowpokes.
- (SIGHS)
- I hate log days.
Told ya!
We finally get a break.
Lunch break. Five minutes.
Oh, boy, five whole minutes. (CHUCKLES)
It's gum. This is gum.
Gum isn't lunch.
It's not even a snack.
It's not very filling, but it's all
they'll let you eat until dinner.
Can we use our wages
to buy some sandwiches?
- (CHUCKLES)
- Lady, we're not paid in wages.
We're paid in coupons.
I got one for 20% off a shampoo
at Ed's Haircut Palace.
I got a free refill of iced tea.
I got "Buy two banjos, get one free."
'Course I can't buy any banjos
'cause I don't have any money.
Just coupons.
That can't be legal.
It's not like we have a constitution.
(CHUCKLES)
If this place is so miserable,
why don't you leave?
ALL: Lucky Smells is our life.
Lucky Smells is our home.
We need to find those answers
and get out of here, fast.
According to the map,
the mill library should be just behind...
behind this door.
Trying to get out of log day, are you?
We wanted to visit the library
on our lunch break, Sir.
Oh, what a lovely idea.
I told you a library
would be good for morale.
Nonsense.
Lunch breaks are for chewing gum,
not sneaking off to libraries.
- That's why you only need five minutes.
- But, Sir...
You're not gonna cause trouble
for this mill, are you?
Trouble? I'm your partner.
- I'm speaking to the Baudelaires.
- Right.
I took a chance
on treating you like grown-ups.
Don't make me regret it.
Now, get back to work!
You'll have to excuse Sir.
He recently cut down on the smoking.
Do you know he feeds the workers gum
and pays them in coupons?
Yes, well, I've tried to discuss that.
If you guys are partners,
you should be able to stand up to him.
It's complicated.
I know Sir can be prickly,
but you have to understand,
he had a very terrible childhood.
I understand.
I'm having
a very terrible childhood right now.
(WHISPERS) Okay.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
- You're thinking something.
- It's the new foreman.
Phil said he just showed up last night.
What if he's Count Olaf
and being a foreman's his new disguise?
He is cruel like Count Olaf,
but Count Olaf runs a horrible
theater company, not a lumbermill.
But isn't it suspicious
how we never see his face?
And we only ever hear his voice
over the loudspeaker.
The mill is noisy.
Besides, it's probably the only way
anyone could ever hear him.
I know what you're trying to do.
Keep us safe.
Find a reason to leave.
And we will, I promise, as soon as
we clear our parents' names.
I... I need a new debarker.
(FLACUTONO SNORING)
(GRUNTING)
- What are you doing, midget?
- I... need a new debarker.
Spoiled brat wants a new debarker.
Old rusty one
isn't good enough for him, eh?
They're over there, rich boy.
Wait...
(GRUNTS)
- Whoopsie!
- Klaus!
Your glasses, they're...
- Twisted.
- Cracked.
Hopelessly broken.
They look A-okay to me.
The foreman kicked him
and stepped on his glasses.
How could I kick him
when I'm up in this booth?
It was probably karma.
- Can you see?
- A little.
He'll live. Get back to work.
(SCOFFS) He can't work if he can't see.
He needs an optometrist.
Lucky for you, we've got a great one
right here in what's left of our town.
The building shaped like an eye?
Oh, yeah,
Dr. Orwell treats all the workers.
You probably saw the coupon
in your welcome packet.
I better get you there.
I'll be fine.
Maybe I can find some answers.
Maybe I can find some answers, too.
(FLACUTONO CHUCKLES)
Your cruelty is as sweet as this coffee
I'm dumping this sugar into.
Oh, Georgina, I missed this.
You, me, an evil scheme, a little death.
La petite mort.
You know I love it when you speak Spanish.
Let's run away to Europe and find
a charming little country to take over.
What about the children?
Shouldn't we live together first?
The Baudelaire children.
Hmm.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh!
Let me.
(IMITATES WOMAN) Dr. Orwell's office.
FLACUTONO: Hey, boss.
He's on his way.
- He...
- (PHONE CUTS OFF)
He's on his way.
In the book The Great Gatsby,
there's a famous sign
shaped like a pair of eyeglasses.
Does it represent an optometrist?
It represents the eyes of God staring down
and judging society as a moral wasteland.
Oh, that sounds like a fun book.
Listen... I know going to the doctor
can be scary.
But doctors are your friends.
Come on.
Phil was wrong, of course.
As anyone who's been to a doctor knows,
doctors are not necessarily your friends,
any more than butchers, mail deliverers,
or refrigerator repair people
are your friends.
I myself once fought with a most
unfriendly refrigerator repair person.
I wonder what ever happened to him.
(SIGHS) Ordinarily, we'd never impose,
but we're in urgent need of a ride.
- Partners?
- Always, darling.
(GRUNTING)
We better hurry,
before the foreman realizes we're gone.
Or before Sir gets back.
They're all The History
of Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Who would want so many copies
of the same book?
(SCOFFS) Of course.
Whenever Klaus reads
a long, difficult book,
the first thing he does
is reads the table of contents.
"Chapter 12. The Paltryville Fire."
"The Baudelaires were
unequivocally responsible..."
The rest is crossed out.
This one's crossed out, too.
(SIGHS)
(GASPS) This one's not crossed out.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
- (GASPS)
CHARLES: Sir, your goat cheese
and beef jerky omelet is ready.
(WHISPERS) We have to get out of here.
A dictionary.
But why are you showing this to me?
You can't read.
The quote that Sunny found scrawled
on the inside cover has been said
by many of my associates over the years.
It goes...
VIOLET: "In every library,
there is a single book
that can answer the question
that burns like a fire in the mind."
It wasn't the quote
that caught Sunny's eye,
nor was it the reference to fire
that set Violet's heart racing.
It was the handwriting.
For when Violet saw
the strong left lean of the L's,
and the confident closed loop
of the O's, she knew who wrote it
even before she saw the name
on the library checkout card.
VIOLET: "Bertrand Baudelaire."
Or as Violet and Sunny knew him...
Father!
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
They're good children.
I don't see why we have to lie to them.
The truth is right there in your book.
Not anymore.
I had it redacted.
- Sir, you defaced your own book?
- I didn't have a choice.
Charles, we made certain deals
to keep this mill open.
And if she wants us to cover up the truth
and blame the fire on the Baudelaires,
well... that's the cost of doing business.
CHARLES: Is it really worth it?
This mill is all I have, Charles.
And you.
Of course I have you.
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHIL WHISTLING)
Klaus Baudelaire.
(STAMMERS) You're Dr. Orwell?
Yes, I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
I was on my lunch hour.
Looks like somebody broke their glasses.
See? Perfectly friendly.
Well, you catch more flies
with honey than with vinegar.
Actually, you catch the most flies
with manure.
Aren't you smart?
It's just an expression.
A fancy way of saying you're more likely
to get what you want
by acting in a sweet way,
than in a distasteful way, like vinegar.
Wave goodbye to your friend.
Goodbye?
Is this really necessary
to fix my glasses?
An eye exam is standard procedure
for all my patients.
You look nervous.
Father always said he didn't trust
optimists or optometrists.
Well, sounds like he may have had
a bad experience with one.
I wonder who she was.
Or if she ever practiced
optometry again...
after the heartbreak, and the lawsuit
and the plastic surgery to assume
a new identity in a faraway town.
- What did you say?
- I said try not to blink.
You're a smart boy.
Do you know what bedside manner means?
- (STAMMERS) It's when...
- It's when a doctor speaks
in a calm and reassuring voice
to make sure his patients trust him.
And how are we feeling, Klaus?
- Not good.
- Because you broke your glasses.
Because of this town.
Everyone thinks our parents did
this bad thing,
but they never even met them.
Well, I'm not like everyone else.
You don't believe it.
I met your parents.
Standard procedure
for nervous little boys.
That's standard, too.
Now focus here, Klaus,
and tell me what you see.
An E or an A?
- An...
- An E or an A?
- An A.
- An A or a C?
- A C.
- A sea or a lake?
- Wait, what?
- A reptile or an amphibian?
Fire or accident?
A blonde or a bottle blonde?
A parent or an arsonist?
Tell me what you see, Klaus.
OLAF: Yes, you little bookworm,
tell us what you see.
I'm sure he'll be back soon.
Why don't you play a game of solitaire
to pass the time?
- Violet?
- Hmm?
That's not a window.
Lights out.
(BLOWS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Klaus?
We were worried.
You were gone so long.
You're not wearing your glasses.
Are they still being fixed?
What was it like inside the eye? Klaus?
You're smiling.
I'm happy to be here, sir.
What? I'm not Sir. I'm your sister.
While you were gone,
I heard Sir talking to Charles.
He said he made a deal
to cover something up.
There's something bigger going on here.
- Shh.
- (JIMMY GRUNTS) Quiet.
(SOFTLY) Did you hear what I said?
I guess it's been a long day.
Would you like to go to sleep?
Yes, sir.
Your shoes are still on.
Klaus?
I promised our parents
I'd always look out for Klaus.
But I didn't.
He wanted to leave and I made him stay.
Except now he's acting strange.
It's all my fault.
(SNIFFLES)
There's no one else to fix it.
(FLACUTONO OVER PA)
Get up, lumber laborers.
Lucky Smells has no time for dawdling.
Klaus Baude-liar, would you like
to get out of bed this instant?
- Yes, sir.
- Would you like to bring your baby sister?
Klaus?
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
FLACUTONO: Lucky boy.
It's wood chipper day.
Would you like to make some mulch?
(MACHINERY POWERING UP)
(SUNNY BABBLING)
What are you doing?
You're frightening Sunny and
you're frightening me. What's going on?
Lucky Smells Lumbermill. This is he.
The Baudelaire orphans
working here at the mill?
That's ridiculous. They're children.
They're probably somewhere
enjoying a hot cup of coffee
in front of a roaring fire...
wherever they are,
which certainly isn't here.
Now, who is this?
Hello? (GROANS)
- What's wrong?
- With me? Nothing.
We've fought a host
of unsavory characters,
including a most unfriendly
refrigerator repair person.
We've flown a plane into a hurricane.
We've been to Peru and back
to get home to our children.
And today, finally, we'll all be together.
What could be wrong?
(ENGINE STARTS)
Stop it and we can leave.
Lucky Smells is our life.
Lucky Smells is our home.
No, it's not.
A home is where people take care of you,
not make you work in a mill for gum.
I should've listened to you
when you wanted to go.
If you're still in there,
I want you to know I miss you
an inordinate amount.
Inordinate?
(CHUCKLES) What...
what the heck does that mean?
It can mean many things.
Immoderate, irregular.
But in this case, I think it means
you missed me a lot.
- Klaus, you're back!
- Where was I?
Why am I not wearing shoes?
We'll have to explain
how you hurt your leg.
- Ballroom dancing?
- They'll believe that.
They've seen you dance.
(BOTH SIGH)
I don't know what's going on here,
but we need to...
(FLACUTONO OVER PA) Baude-liars!
- We need to...
- I'm talking to you, lumber brats.
Go to the very fancy door.
You have visitors.
Ah, there you are, children.
Now, I know your time here
hasn't been peachy,
but your luck is about to change.
Because I brought you... this peach.
(CHUCKLES)
But who's visiting us?
Oh, I don't know.
But they can't come inside,
because that would be trespassing,
and then they'd be put to work.
But I can tell you they are just
on the other side of that very fancy door.
(SIGHS)
MOTHER: Children?
Children?
Duncan, Quigley, Isadora?
Mother?
Father!
- Get over here, you three.
- How was your work trip?
Mrs. Quagmire:
Oh, we're just happy to be home.
How did you hurt your leg?
Breaking out of prison in Peru.
I beg you, turn this program off now.
Imagine this story has a happy ending.
You can pretend the woman at the door
is the Duchess of Winnipeg,
and she's come to throw the Baudelaires
a pony party at her chateau.
Or you can pretend that she's a butler
with a tray of blueberry pancakes,
or a loving parent
that you thought you'd never see again.
But if you choose to watch on,
let me warn you,
the misery does not end here.
In fact, I visited Paltryville myself
many years later.
It was long after the Lucky Smells
Lumbermill had closed its doors...
and Dr. Orwell's office
had fallen into disrepair.
Of course, the building wasn't originally
an optometrist office at all,
but the headquarters
of a secret organization.
That is where I learned what happened
to Klaus Baudelaire.
Poor, poor Klaus Baudelaire.
It's enough to make you want to abandon
civilization and live by a pond.
But if you choose to look this misery
in the eye,
you should be asking one question.
It's the same question
that the Baudelaires should've asked,
my beloved Beatrice should've asked
on the day that she died.
And that question is...
where is Count Olaf?
My, my, my, my, my!
Aren't you a lucky boy?
Yes, sir.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Yeah, this is he.
The Baudelaire orphans,
working at the mill?
Well, that's ridiculous.
You might be wondering about the identity
of the mysterious caller
who rang to inquire about the Baudelaires.
I've conducted extensive research,
and all that I can tell you is that,
whoever it was...
Now, who is this?
Hello?
they were of no help whatsoever.
Hmm, well...
Let's see what's next on the list.
(INSTRUMENTAL THEME MUSIC PLAYS)