A Nero Wolfe Mystery (2001–2002): Season 2, Episode 1 - Death of a Doxy: Part 1 - full transcript

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(Archie Goodwin)
When leaving a place

you aren't supposed to be,

it's routine to consider
what you have touched.

I hadn't gone to
isabel kerr's apartment

looking for a dead body,
but i had found one.

And now i needed
to ask somebody why.

The person i needed to ask,

lived in a second floor
walk-up on 52nd street.

At 8:18,
i hit the buzzer.

(buzzing)



(man on intercom)
Hello?

Yeah, Orrie,
are you alone?

Yeah, Orrie,
did you get it? Alone? U go,

yeah, i'm...

(buzzing)

Orrie Cather was the reason

i had visited the
dead girl's apartment.

He'd given me his key

and asked me to retrieve
his detective's license,

which miss kerr
had lifted from his wallet.

What's the matter,
can't you place me?

Voltus est index animi, bud.

The face is the index
to the mind.

Latin proverb Wolfe uses
when he's showing off.



Sit down.

Good, i've
often wondered.

What the hell's
eating you?

Is it possible
you're playing me?

Playing you for what?

I wish i knew.

I went to miss kerr's
apartment at 4:30, as agreed.

No one was in the living room,
as expected.

No one was
in the bedroom either

because, properly speaking,
a corpse is not a someone.

A corpse?

That's right,
about a foot over 5 feet

honey-blossom blonde hair.

Oh, my god.

Is that her?

Yes.

Well, then quit interrupting,
'cause Wolfe never does.

Now, she... rather, it,

had been there
for at least five hours.

Purple spot on the arm,
the leg.

Cadaveric lividities to you.

I should tell you that the
idea of sticking around

to get your detective's
license did not appeal to me.

Now, Orrie, i could've been
really nasty and opened with,

"why'd you leave
the ashtray on the floor"?

You interested in where
i've been and can i prove it?

I may be the
only one who knows

that her being dead
pulls a thorn for you.

N, and deep.

So, naturally,
i'm curious.

Look at me, Orrie.

Did you kill her?

No... am i a sap?

No, you're no mental giant
but you're not a sap.

You arranged
for me to be there.

Now, what if you had arranged
for the cops to be there

five minutes later?

It would be real nice
if you could sell me.

It would be even nicer
if you were covered.

I'm not, i told you.

I'm tailing somebody for
baskin from 7:19 until 3:35.

I was alone in
the lobby of a hotel.

Yeah...

well, officially,
i'm still curious.

What are you gonna do?

What am i gonna do?

Well, i'm going to have myself
two servings of creme genoise.

What you do is you crush
eight homemade macaroons

and then you soak it...

are you gonna tell Wolfe?

Well, i would rather not.

Saul or fred?

Hey, you know what doctors
call professional courtesy?

Yeah.

Well, i sincerely hope
you won't need any.

"It does not appear
that the victim,

"a former chorus girl
at the ten little indians,

"was employed anywhere

"or engaged in any
regular activity...

the gazettehas a way
of putting things, huh?

"The body was discovered by

"isabel kerr's sister
stella fleming...

Archie,
do you mind?

"Wife of barry fleming,
professor of mathematics...

"...at the henry hudson
high school.

Mrs. Fleming had gone to
the apartment at 7:30 p.m."

Phooey!

I thought you had an engagement
at miss rowan's.

Yes, it's for 1:00.

I may skip it.

The lunch would
be all right,

but then, a man's
gonna be reading poetry.

Whose poetry?
His.

He calls it anepithon,
because it's an epic.

It takes hours.
Serves you right.

Ahh... i may not go.

You will.

Parched, hollow-cheeked,
shrivelling, dry.

Cry aloud!

On the voyage of the soul...

work and philosophies...

a false oasis in the sand...

at 20 minutes past four,

i was in Lily rowan's penthouse
trying to decide which one

i would rather have
play for my team,

willie mays or sandy koufax.

I was leaning towards mays,
because koufax's arm

is too much of a gamble.

...all gritty,
spittle-licking sand.

My soul is questing,
god and love...

miss rowan, there's
a phone call for mr. Goodwin.

...work and philosophies,
i run, gasping...

apparently, there's
a phone call for you.

...all gritty,
spittle-licking sand.

My soul is questing,
questing.

Shrivelled, dry...

Archie Goodwin speaking.

Mr. Parker is here.

Orrie Cather has been
taken into custody

as a material witness in
the murder of isabel kerr.

He called mr. Parker
to the police station

and told him to consult
with you, why?

Uh... i'll be there
in 20 minutes.

...and end all gritty,
spittle-licking sand.

Ahem.

Did he kill her, or was that
your personal errand yesterday?

Now, now, if he said
to consult me

i need to know
exactly what he said.

Mr. Parker,
if you don't mind.

Certainly.

Mr. Cather only told me
that he did not kill her

and that i should see you

and that you should
decide, if you can,

what to tell me.

Ah-ha, oh,
that's just dandy.

Don't you play bridge
on sundays?

Yes, the call from
mr. Cather intruded.

I was holding a king-queen-jack
of spades, an outside diamond.

Good chance to make
a baby slam.

Then the call,
went back to the table

butchered it.

Terrible, terrible tragedy.

You must be very,
very heartbroken.

Ahem, well, i suggest
you go back to the table

and resume your rubber
and... try again.

I am going to
report to mr. Wolfe

because i would rather have him
glare at me while i tellhim

than you glare
while i tellyou.

May i ask one thing,

to be regarded as a question
of privileged communication?

Did he kill her?

Even granting that i know
it would not be privileged,

mr. Parker, as i am
not your client.

Mr. Parker, apologies for
the kiboshed baby slam.

We'll speak with you soon.

All right, here it is.

Orrie called me on
friday afternoon.

He asked me to
meet him for dinner.

Seems he was up a stump.

He was set to marry
this airline stewardess

named jill hardy,

but another woman named
isabel kerr objected.

I'm done!

I was asked by Orrie

to go to the
apartment of isabel kerr

and retrieve some personal
items that he left,

including his
detective's license.

She had the idea he was
the father of the baby

she was expectinghe was
and ought to marry her.

She intended to use the
license as a club.

The idea was that i
go to isabel's apartment

and retrieve Orrie's
detective's license

while isabel was at
the movies with her sister.

And you agreed to this?

I didn't care for it much

but for years, Orrie has
come in very handy for us.

I said to Orrie,
"n

until i had
the whole picture.

Isabel kerr had been rescued
from earning her own keep

and installed
in a cozy nest.

Now, Orrie claimed he didn't
know the name of the rescuer

but i insisted,

so he told me,
avery Ballou.

Ah, the president of the
federal holding corporation.

And she took up
with Orrie Cather.

Uh, yes, i accept that.

You know, women
don't fall for Orrie

as fast as he thinks they do,
but he is no baboon.

And today you actually went
to hear a man read poetry.

You're sore,
you want a target,

i'm not it.

Well, confound it.

The question is,
did he kill her?

I pass.

Was he bearing guilt when you
sat across from him at dinner?

You know, murderers
have sat across from you

in this very chair

and they've left
with you still guessing.

Well, you like to give odds,
don't you, what are they?

Even money,
i'll take either end

that is, of course, ignoring
my personal preference.

Which is?

I'd rather not
see a headline,

"Wolfe's assistant
convicted of murder."

People might think
it was me.

All right, get saul and
fred here, immediately.

By quarter to 10,
Wolfe was making a speech.

Saul and fred had been briefed
by me and knew everything

but the name of
isabel kerr's good fairy.

If Orrie killed that woman,

we are not obliged to thwart
the agents of justice.

If he did not kill her,

i have an obligation
i can't ignore.

You know i have
no affection for him.

So the question is,
is he capable of murder?

Did he kill this woman?

Fred?
Hmm?

You'v Orrie
longer than i have.

What do you say?

Oh, jesus...

oh, that's helpful...
did he kill her?

I say, he didn't.

Is that your
considered opinion?

To be honest, no.

Orrie's always done whatever
he felt like with women

and, uh, they've let him.

So, if this isabel kerr
got in his way,

you know,
really blocked it.

Well, i don't know...
i mean, i think i know.

He didn't.

That's hardly decisive.

Saul?

No.

Is that an opinion
or a gesture?

It's a conclusion,
i make it 50 to 1.

I'm not saying
i'm superior to Archie.

He's just not conceited
enough to see it.

Oh, that's flummery.

No, sir.

Say he did
plan to kill her.

That means, when
he was planning

the break-in with
Archie on friday night,

he was setting Archie up
to find the body.

There's no way he would
deliberately arrange

to sit facing him
and frame a deal like that.

All right, all right,
cross it off.

And, uh, she stung him,
he flipped.

And he killed her, okay.

He goes back
to his tailing job.

Mr. Wolfe, did Archie get
any phone calls yesterday?

Mmm, no.

That's what settles it.

Good, wonderful.

Explain.

What's Orrie's
worst fault?

(chuckles)

He's pushy, he pushes.

Exactly.

And you called him.

If he had killed her, he
wouldn't wait for you to call.

He'd have pushed,
he would have called you.

Damn it, he's not some stranger
that we have to guess about.

We know him like a book.

Mr. Wolfe, if you wanna
use me, it's on me.

Expenses included.

I have no more affection
for Orrie than you have

but i wanna
back up my vote.

Me too, i voted no.

Trouble is, i'm
personally involved.

I'd hate to embarrass saul,

so, i guess i'll have to
switch and vote no, too.

(sighs)

It was hard to take the idea
of working for nothing.

All right, we'll have
to begin with banality.

Who are the other tenants
of the building?

E see Archie enter
who are the other tenants
or leave yesterday afternoon? N

come an issue. Nter
who are the other tenants
or leave yesterday afternoon? E

you... you will
see someone?

Who?

Uh, i guess, the future
mrs. Orrie Cather,

if she's available.

I appreciate your offer, saul
and yours, fred.

But this undertaking
is mine and, uh...

your usual rates
and of course, your expenses.

Confound it, i'm going to bed,
good night.

Archie, there's a miss hardy
here to see you.

Hardy

was not that she was
hard to find,

but that she was
flying to rio at noon.

She came by the office
on her way out of the country.

Miss hardy.

Please.

You look
a little like Orrie.

Ah, no, no, no,
he's handsome, i'm not.

But i'll tell you what,

seeing you, i can understand
why he'd want to merge.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

I'll congratulate him again
when i see him.

When will you see him?

Possibly, this afternoon.

When did you
see him last?

What could he know
about this girl's murder?

He wasn't... when'd you say
you saw him last?

You're supposed to be
Orrie's close friend

but you don't
seem to know much.

And you are really tops
at ignoring questions.

The cops don't
hold a man without bail

'cause he knows things.

They're holding him 'cause
they think he killed her.

No.

Oh, yes, and when
they hear about you,

they're gonna want to know

where you were saturday,
what you were doing.

That's the way
their minds work.

That's they way
my mind works.

So, where wewhat were you do
ing?

You wouldn't talk like that
if Orrie was here.

Oh, yes i would.

He wouldn't like it,
but he'd understand.

Miss hardy, i like your looks,
i like your voice.

But, for the third time,
i'm gonna ask you,

where were you on saturday and
when did you see Orrie last?

What could he have
as a motive?

Ask the police,
miss hardy, not me.

Saturday, i was at home
in bed until two.

I'd been on
a flight from caracas

that didn't touch down
until 3:00 a.m.

I saw Orrie for
dinner at a restaurant.

I have to answer so many
questions when i'm in the air

that when i'm on the ground,
i don't listen.

Now get up and put
your arms around me.

It was an order,
and i obeyed.

I tried to decide whether
she knew she was in trouble

and was trying to enlist me,
or getting started on me

in case Orrie got
eliminated permanently.

(knocking)

Oh, uh...

come on, let's go!

All right, this is a cop
i happen to know

and since you're
in no hurry to talk

you will kindly duck...
right this way.

But i have to get
to the airport.

If he sees you,
you won't be going ae.

Now, you're going to
stay inside here

until he is safely
inside the office,

then you can
make your move.

Ah, mr. Cramer.

Have you turned
Orrie loose yet?

No, not yet,
and not soon.

Unless you give me a damn
good reason, can you?

Sure, mr. Wolfe is
gonna look into it.

That's what you
want to know, isn't it?

If he's going to horn in.

He's gonna horn in, that's
what you came to ask, right?

Aw, nuts,
where is he?

I came to get information.

Ah...

has Cather ever spoken to you
about isabel kerr?

Uh, pass.

Has he ever spoken to you
about jill hardy?

No comment.
(banging)

No comment?

Hmm... uh-huh,
no comment, huh?

No comment.

You can't geith it, Goodwin.

Man who's charged can clam up,
you're not charged.

Ah, i feel a yawn coming on.

I came to tell Wolfe,
but i can tell you.

Before someone
decides to kill somebody,

he should make damn sure that
she wasn't keeping a diary.

It would have been a shame
to such an exit line

i didn't
.

Mr. Pinter writes
that deer season has begun.

We should reply.

Get your notebook,
Archie.

Miss kerr
kept a diary.

How did you
pry it out of him?

Out of who?
Mr. Cramer, of course.

How did you know
it was cramer?

You were up with your orchids,
did you peer over the roof?

You were up with your orchids,
did you pof course not. Oof?

Who else would be in
possession of such a detail?

Anyway, as i was saying,
she kept a diary.

I doubt her last entry was,
"he's reaching for the ashtray

and is gonna hit me
over the head with it."

We do not need a diary

to tell us it was handy
for Orrie if she died.

We need the diary to tell us
it was handy for somebody else.

You think Orrie killed her.

No.

I have looked over
saul's point from all angles

and it packs a reasonable doubt,
enough for a jury.

So, it'll do for me.

If it turns out
that Orrie killed her,

i'll never forgive him.

I'll cop his girl.

Well, now what?
Or rather, who?

The sister,
stella fleming.

She found the body...

or the sugar daddy,
avery Ballou.

We could start there...

the sister, we'll discuss
mr. Ballou later.

The sister.

According tothe gazette,

stella fleming wasn't
talking to reporters.

So, i decided
it would be best to show up

and wait outside her door
until she let me in.

There are lots
of interesting things to do

while waiting in a hall for
3 hours and 20 minutes.

You can count
the spots on the wall

and sort out the
cooking smells.

And when people
arrive, or leave,

you can look straight at them
and notice which ones

when a hefty,
broad-shouldered woman

inserts a key into her lock
and suspiciously asks you...

are you waiting
for someone?

Yes.

Hmmf.

N, is it?

Uh, if you're
barry fleming, i am.

The doorman tells me that
you're waiting for my wife.

Well, she won't see you,
she won't see anybody.

She's taking
this pretty hard.

I wouldn't want to make it
any harder, it's just that

Orrie Cather's my best friend
and he's innocent.

Now, i'm sure your wife
would not wanna see him

punished if he's innocent,
would she?

No, of course
she wouldn't.

And neither would i.

Well...

i don't see any point in you
waiting out here, come on.

Darling?

Barry, you
let him in?!

He only wants some
information, he thinks...

we have no
information for anybody.

Ahem, mrs. Fleming, look,

i'm not a reporter
looking for a headline.

I'm a private detective,
i just want a few facts.

Now, i know you don't want
to talk to reporters because,

well, ahem, your sister
was a doxy...

my sister was a what?

A doxy, d-o-x-y.

No, no, you mustn't!

I think you'd
better leave.

Yes, i'm inclined
to agree.

No, no, no...
i don't want him to go

no, no, i want to know
why he said that.

Mr. Goodwin...

please, um,
come, sit down.

Why did you
lie about my sister?

Uh, that line
is wasted on me,

mrs. Fleming,
so skip it.

Anyway, it's not
important, not now.

It is to me.

It's the most important
thing in the world.

You see, my sister
isabel was six

and i was nine
when our mother died.

She was 12 and i was 15
when our father died.

That's why
it's so important.

Certainly.

No one is going to say about
isabel what you just said.

If anyone said that at a trial,
it would be in the newspapers.

So there mustn't be a trial.

Mr. Wolfe and i,
we don't want a trial.

Certainly not a trial
of Orrie Cather.

And what we have to do

is we have to establish enough
reasonable doubt for the police

or find somebody else,
anybody with a motive.

It'll never
get to a jury.

Can you help us do that?

Ah, that's...
that's pretty clever

but, i must remind you
that, for my wife,

the trial of the right man

that might be just as bad
as that of the wrong man.

Maybe, but we have
some information

about the line they have
on Orrie Cather, you see.

And if he were tried, well,
it would probably come out

that he and isabel were...

ahem, together.

It might even
come out that, uh,

Orrie Cather was paying
for your sister's apartment.

Ah, you're shaking your head.

No, she's not.

Yeah, she was
shaking her head.

No, no...

now, tell me about this line
that they have on Cather.

Well, i can't do that.

I got that in confidence,
it's confidential information.

I'm a mathematics teacher,
mr. Goodwin,

and i like problems.

This is not just
a problem, i know,

you wouldn't mind,
dear, if i admit

i'd like to
tackle this problem?

Mmmm...
i don't, i don't...

ah, mrs. Fleming?

Mrs. Fleming, i don't
want to jar you again, see,

but, uh, i wanna know what
your first thought was

when you saw isabel
there dead on the ground.

It wasn't a thought.

No, i mean,
after the shock,

i mean, uh, did you
think, "he killed her,"

or "she killed her"?

Very often,
the first thought is right.

There wasn't any such
thought, mr. Goodwin.

Not then, not now.

All i know is that
there mustn't be a trial.

Did isabel ever tell you about,
or show you, her diary?

She didn't keep a diary.

She did, the police have it,
there are names in it that...

she must have locked it
in that drawer by her bed,

that little...

did she ever tell you
the name of her provider?

No.

No, huh?

Well, that surprises me,
i thought you were close.

We didn't speak
of the arrangement.

There were rules.

Was there anyone else
close to her?

Someone that,
perhaps, she told?

She didn't tell anybody.

You could say that
isabel led two lives,

one with my wife,
the second with her circle.

People from the theatre.

Oh...

under the circumstances,

my wife chose not to
associate with them.

It wasn't what i chose,
barry, it was what was.

We can't tell you any names,
nobody can and they won't

because there
won't be a trial.

T out!
Now, ge

get out.

Good luck.

Soon i was reporting to Wolfe
exactly what i had found...

nothing...
Wolfe's only comment was...

you've had no lunch,
none at all, nothing?

Ah, it's good for me.

So, do you comment
or do i?

You.

One: Stella fleming is scared of
people hearing about her sister.

"The most important thing
in the world," she said.

Well, if it's still that
important when she's dead

what was it
when she was alive?

Two: Stella says
she doesn't know

who was paying
her sister's rent.

She actualy shook her head
when i suggested Orrie was.

So, she knows?
So do we.

Finally, isabel had
another circle,

a separate set of friends.

Obviously, any woman
who eats by sufferance

without a legal contract
would prefer not to eat alone.

Most men wouldn't
put it all on eating.

Are you ready to tackle
avery Ballou?

We'll discuss that
after you see Orrie.

Come on, o'malley.

Where you see a man
in custody in manhattan

depends partly on why the
authorities think he's there.

I saw Orrie in the paddock.

That meant they thought
he was a murderer

and were taking no chances.

Mr. Parker has told you
that mr. Wolfe is on it?

I knew he'd have to.

I'm not his Archie Goodwin,
but he'd have to.

I prefer to regard myself
as my Archie Goodwin.

But we won't
go into that now.

I need a favor, Archie.

I want you to see
jill he.

I already have.

God damn it,
what did you tell her?

Basically,
the same as you, nothing.

Wonderful, Archie.
Basically,
the same as you, nothing. You're

what else have they got
besides her diary?

Her diary?

Isabel kept a diary,
you didn't know that?

My god, no.

She did, they have it,
and we need your opinion.

Would she have put
his name in it?

The rescuer?

, she was too cagey.

Orrie, who else knew
about you and her?

Nobody, we were never
together except at her place.

But not about her.

She was so hipped on me,
it scared me.

But you guys talked
to each other, right,

did she
talk about the others?

Which one would have
killed her?

I swear, i don't know.

I'm such a damn fool,
you know.

I fid get it,
i wasn't her only contact.

She couldn't be mine.

That's when i got hip for the
first time in my life on jill.

And then isabel decides

she absolutely
has to have me for herself.

There wasn't ever any baby,
and even if there was,

whose was it?

Give me a name.

Julie Jaquette.

The woman she liked best
was a nightclub singer

at the ten little indians.

Julie Jaquette.

Ahem.
What is it?!

All right, Orrie has
provided one name.

A songbird
named Julie Jaquette

who may or may not
know a thing.

So, i think it's time for
you to see avery Ballou

as it is quitting time at
the federal holding company.

Now, come on, you can't keep
putting it off forever, here.

While sex is
certainly a factor

it's not the main
point... try this:

She overheard him cooking up
a shady deal, see.

And she ha...

Archie.
Yeah?

Don't try to think,
you'll injure yourself.

Put saul on miss Jaquette,

he's being wasted
on routine inquiries.

A prodigy on a treadmill,
take him off.

What about Ballou?

Bring him here!

In the city, it's hard
to create a duck blind

but there i was, waiting for
mr. Avery Ballou with a message

mentioning the pink bedroom
and the diary.

This will interest you,
mr. Ballou.

Is there enough light?

Interest me?

Yes, this isn't
the place to discuss it

the best place is Nero Wolfe's
office, best time, now.

If you ride with me,
keep your mouth shut.

I've said my piece.

You... you must
leave the heads on.

They'll be as tasteless
as tissue paper.

Or perhaps we should try
one with and one without.

Phooey.

I'm trying to seek
a common ground.

With anchovies,
there is no common ground.

Mr. Ballou is here,
he's in the office.

Satisfactory.

All right,
fry them, then!

But fry them separately

and signal to me
before you drain them.

Saul called,
he sounded flustered.

Saul?
Yes.

Apparently, we are about
to have some company.

A miss Julie Jaquette
from an establishment

known as
the ten little indians.

She will come here between
the 9:00 and 10:00 sets.

Apparently,
she has stipulated

that she will not
grant an interview

unless she has a tour
of the orchids.

You send a boy to do a man's
job, what do you expect?

Confound it.

It's nearly dinner and i will
not be able to digest properly

with the prospect of some chorus
woman up there prancing about,

making careless, sweeping
gestures with her arms.

If people only knew
how you suffered.

For your information,
i have never spent one hour

in apinkbedroom.

No good, mr. Ballou.

Sir, i have nothing
to say to yourguess

that i killed miss kerr

except that the idea
is simply fantastic.

Can you account for
your whereabouts

between the hours of
8:30 a.m. And noon on saturday?

There were phone calls,
there were guests for lunch.

Can your wife
account for hers?

You will,
under no circumstances

go near my wife!

I have taken
great precautions

that no one knew of my liaison,
least of all her.

Your poise, sir.

You are in a trap,
don't thrash about.

I never thrash about.

Well, then, sit down,
i prefer eyes at level.

Now, if it wasn't
you or your wife

who was it, then?

I expect you to help me
identify the real person

who killed miss kerr.

You know, of course, that
Orrie Cather is in custody.

What you don't know is that
he was on intimate terms

with miss kerr
for about a year

and she told him many things
about you, her provider.

Naturally, she told you
nothing of him, her strephon.

Apparently, she named
him in her diary.

About this diary,
was my name mentioned?

If she had named you,

the police would have been
to see you by now, have they?

No, they have not.

Well then, let me elucidate
our common interest.

I do not wish to have
mr. Cather tried...

and neither do you.

If he is, he most
certainly will name you

and the dogs will be loose.

Well, obviously,
i'm in a trap.

When did Cather
first learn my name?

I don't know...
do we know, Archie?

No, sir, i can find out,
if it's important.

Could it have been
even four months ago?

Certainly.

I'd like to know,
it may not be important now

but i would like to know.

Who was it?
You spoke with her,

about places she had been,
people she knew.

I need a fact, a hint.

You spent many intimate
hours with her.

Except for
physical intimacy,

there was no sharing
of experience.

Phooey.

I tell you this under
coercion, we read poetry.

Poetry?

Kipling,
service and london.

Ah, yes, yes, the fancy
leatherbound books.

Can they get
fingerprints from them?

No, no, not with that fancy
rippled binding, i doubt it.

This is remarkable.

I wanted and expected names
and you have provided three.

Jack london, rudyard kipling
and robert service.

I did not read
those poems and stories

lf,
i did not read
she enjoyed them. Torieshear myse

we discussed them.
I see.

Now, sir, you expect
to be paid, naturally,

and of course,
i have the means.

I am engaged on behalf
of mr. Cather,

you can neither
pay me nor hire me.

Now, a question...

but why can't i hire you?
There's no conflict between

Cather's interests and mine,
as you tell it.

$10,000 as a retainer?

They're ready?

20,000?

No, i'm committed.

Both of them?
Both of them.

Anchovy fritters.

You can't keep them waiting
or they lose their puff.

And these are the ones with
the heads or without the heads?

Without the heads.

They're horrendous,
they're tasteless.

(scoffing)

(doorbell ringing)

Wolfe's digestion was
definitely being challenged.

Not only was he going to
tackle a woman,

which was bad enough,

but a nightclub singer
with a name like Julie Jaquette

which was absolutely
preposterous.

Hi! Who are you?

My name is Fritz.

"Freets"?

I'm sorry, mr. Wolfe
is dining, he cannot...

ahh, Nero Wolfe!

Hit it, boys.

Big man.

Go, go, big man!

Go big, talk big,
act big,

lovebig!

Big man.

Big man!

Bigman.

Big man!
Big, big...

dobig...

lovebig!

Go, go, go!

Now, show me the orchids.

Did you suggest this?

Nobody suggests
anything to me.

Now the orchids, big man.

Miss Jaquette,
it's conceivable

that long ago, under
different circumstances,

i might have appreciated
your performance

but not here, not now.

It's not a
performance, man.

It's me.

I don't believe it.

The creature who pranced in here
and mouthed that doggerel

couldn't possibly eat
or read or write or love.

Are you capable of love?

Am i?

You see, one minute ago,
you'd have said, "am i, man?"

So, we're making progress.

As for your wish
to see the orchids,

that can easily
be gratified.

But first, i must
finish my dinner.

You're very welcome to
join us, if you'd care to.

Fritz.

Oh, thank you, "freets".

Another setting.

Very well, monsieur.

Do you want the man
who killed isabel kerr

to be exposed and punished?

Yes, man, i do.

Don't revert.

I, too, want him exposed

because that's the only feasible
way to release Orrie Cather.

Saul, you little rat!

Little rat scat boy,
rat liar boy.

Not guilty.

You said Wolfe wanted me
to help nail him.

I said help
nail the killer.

Ahh... just because
he works for you

why are you
sure he did it?

Damn it,
i even warned her.

You warned her that
mr. Cather would kill her?

No, that there was
no telling what he'd do.

They had the perfect setup,
the damn fools

and then she decides
she's going to marry him

andhedecides he's gonna
marry some other dame

and suddenly,
none of them had any brains.

And when people's brains
quit working, forget it.

He had the sweat up,
she put the sting on him

and he killed her.

I presume that you've
told the police this.

I even signed
my statement.

Tell me about isabel,
what was she like?

Ah, she was a duck.

She had a good, big heart,
but she never let it bleed.

We were close because we knew
exactly what men are for,

and what they're not for.

Hmm.

Suppose you knew positively,
no matter how,

that mr. Cather
did not kill her.

Who did, then?

Easy, the lobster.

The lobster?

Define your terms.

The man shelling out
20 grand a year to keep her.

He found out about Cather
and he killed her.

"A", "b", "c".

Eliminate the lobster,
extend the hypothesis.

Ooh, big words, big man.

I can say the
alphabet backwards.

So can i.

Do you know isabel's
sister, stella?

Pfft!

That... beetle.

Now, there's an idea
and it's not funny, either.

I honestly believe
her sister thought

isabel would
be better off dead.

Aw, i got to go,
i go back on in 15 minutes.

But, hey, you can
come along, come on!

I decline your invitation
but thank you for asking

and i wish you well.

I...

have the impression that
your opinions

of our fellow beings
and their qualities

are somewhat
similar to mine.

Big man.

Of all the names
we had collected so far,

the only one with a worthy
motive was mrs. Avery Ballou.

But approaching rich people
is always difficult.

My most reliable and delectable
source on the very rich.

Yes?

Ah, yes, what do you know
about mrs. Avery Ballou?

Do you want
a detailed resume?

Ah, just her main interests,

likeppens to collect

the autographs of
famous detectives.

Ha, she can't be that sappy,
i think what she is is dull.

No parties, no imagination,
stctly horse and hounds.

Arabians and irish wolfhounds,
something like 14 of them.

Ah, go no further,
obviously that is it.

Thank you, my pet.

I hoped you wouldn't come,
i'm tired.

Sit!

(clearing throat)

Aren't you going
to say anything?

Ah, yes, uh,
my friend Lily rowan

would like very much
to buy...

one of these
irish wolfhounds

for her place in
westchester county

and shperson to come to, uh,

to see for advice.

I love wolfhounds...
and they love me.

Yes.

When i'm in the country,

my eight favorites
sleep in my bedroom.

Really?

Your husband, uh,
allows that, huh?

I doubt he even knows it.

Ah, protection, partly...

that's not good enough!

You have to love them.

You have to like it when a tail
knocks over a vase or a lamp.

Well, miss...
miss rowan is prepared

to love an irish wolfhound.

Ah, she sent a man to see you
because she thought that

a man would have better
luck with you than a woman.

With seeing your husband and
achieve the same thing

but maybe he's not
interested in wolfhounds.

Ahem.

My husband is interested
in absolutely nothing

but what he calls
"the structure of economics."

Mm-hmm.

What's the name
of that english woman

who writes books about it?

Barbara ward.

She might interest him,
but no other woman could.

I didn't get your name.

My nie Goodwin...

doesn't matter.

Go away now.

Yes, perhaps i should...
good day.

If i hadrish wolfhound

i would have wagged my tail
and knocked something over.

But i didn't have time,
i still had to see our client

before they locked him
away for the night.

Come on, Goodwin, he's
been on the case 48 hours.

Something is missing.

What?

Anybody but you
with a motive.

What about her keeper?
She was cheating on him.

Ah, Wolfe says Ballou
doesn't have the blood

for a crime of passion.

And that makes it true?

I say no to jill hardy,
the flemings, Julie Jaquette

and all because they
don't have a reason.

You still think i did it.

Well, give me a
better candidate.

Don't you think i've been
racking my brains?

I can't think in here,
Parker refuses to go for bail.

Isn't Wolfe
good for it, hmm?

You know, now and then
you are a sap, you know why?

That will push them
to

to charge you with murder.

Now, Wolfe, he would take you
over every minute of every day

but me, i only got,
what, 15 minutes?

And you're our only hope,
so make it good.

I got one.
You got one?

I got one, i come in once,
she's talking to somebody.

She says, "it's got to stop"
and hung up quick.

She's all flustered,
like it's another guy.

Wait, this isn't the keeper,
there's a third party?

The keeper never called.

When did you discover
this other guy?

When did you discover
this othethe keeper!

Come on, indulge me.

Right away, she had lots of
rules when to come and go.

Maybe this other guy...

no, no, this other guy,
he wasn't in the diary

otherwise, he would
be in here with you.

It's possible.

There's ten million
possibilities, but nothing...

nothing that someone could
sink their teeth into.

If she was seeing
three guys, okay,

that if by telling Ballou he
can spend more time with her

maybe that's
the way to do it.

Time's up.

He was wrong,
iwaslistening.

I was listening to what
he said and how he said it

for indications,
which was plain silly

since we'd ruled him out
as a suspect.

But i couldn't
stop being curious.

The only goos way to get a
suspicion out of your mind

is to get
something else in.

And so far,

i had touched bottom
with nothing to show for it.

Wouldn't you get to feel better
if you read it out loud?

Anything?

Yes, sir, we can scratch
mrs. Ballou.

Even if she was told
everything about everything

there's no way she could
have killed isabel.

She'd have been too tired.

Then nothing, four days
and nights of nothings.

Ahhh, no argument.

Confound it.

If you think that i shouldn't
be considering Orrie

because we barred him,
well, you're perfectly right.

But the idea that
he conked her

popped into my head when
i saw that dent in her skull.

And it will stay there until
i have a better candidate.

Ask questions, then.

Why did jill hardy want me
to put my arms around her?

Chaff, Archie.

All right, fine,
stella fleming.

Did she have a fit
and kill her sister?

If she had, would she
have gone back and gotten

the superintendent
to let her in

so she could
discover the body?

Nah, i don't believe it.

Neither do l...
barry fleming.

Why did he let me in?

Because he killed isabel
and wanted to let me in,

find out how much i knew.

Under what motive
did he kill?

Motive?
Oh, you want a motive?

Then it's mrs. Ballou
because she's really

a hellcat
boiling with jealousy.

But if that's the case, i'm
a sap and you should fire me.

Make the deal with cramer.

Bah!

Scientists have covered
all of that apartment,

offered to trade him
everything we have

for all the
fingerprints they got.

My self-esteem
will not allow it.

(doorbell ringing)

Byron wrotethe glory
and the nothing of the name.

But byron was a poet.

A poet can take liberties that
are fatal to a man like me.

I was a fool,
i should have known

she might form an attachment,
i assume she did with Cather.

Archie?

She burned,
she wanted to marry Orrie.

I see she was discreet.

Of course, with him,
there would be no discretion.

Doesn't that follow?

It does.

Cather knew my name.

And a blackmailer to whom
i've been paying

$1,000 a month
for the past five months.

What?

Why the devil didn't you
say this two days ago?

I didn't see it then,

now i see that Cather will not
only be tried but convicted

and if he is,
my name will be divulged

hat must not happen.
T

my name connected
not merely with a...

a with a diversion but with
a sensational murder?

That must not happen.

This parcel contains
a retainer of $50,000.

I'm not asking for
anything illegal

i don't care what
you do or how you do it,

just keep my name
out of it!

Of course, i do not have to
stay committed to a murderer.

But am i?

Describe the man you paid
the blackmail to.

I've never seen him.

One evening at home,
i get a phone call

that the man gave his name
as robert service kipling.

Naturally i took the call,

the name alone
was enough to convince me.

He told me what he knew
and how he knew it

and that i was to mail him 10
$100 bills the following day

and the same amount
on the 15th of each month.

I did so.

His name and
mailaddress?

A fake name.

Indulge me.

The address was
general delivery,

grand central station,
he used a different name.

Milton thales.

Thales?
Yes.

T-h-a-l-e-s?

Yes.

Did you tell
miss kerr about it?

Oh, yes, i asked if she had
told anyone, anyonemy name?

She said she hadn't
and, of course,

she was very indignant.

I realize now,
of course, she lied.

She knew it must be Cather.

She told him to stop,
and he killed her...

my god, if i had known,
damn him!

Just wait.

Get fred and saul,
tell them to come at once.

Take mr. Ballou to
the front room

and provide
him with a drink.

Mr. Ballou.

Fritz provided
late-night refreshment

and i told fred and saul
everything.

Except, of course,
that "x" was on spot.

(Wolfe)
I apologize for getting you
out so late, but i need you.

The man who maintained
that apartment for miss kerr,

call him "x",
was being blackmailed.

I need your opinion
as to whether

Orrie could
be a blackmailer.

Fred?

Just straight
open-and-shut blackmail?

Yes.
Impossible.

Saul?

This was when Orrie
was seeing her himself?

Yes.

Then no, that would
take a real snake.

Satisfactory, but i didn't
get you here just for that.

There will be instructions,
if you will wait for them.

May they use your room?

My room?

Them?

There's the kitchen
theyld use.

Yeah, they can use my room as
long as they don't rummage.

All right, let's go.

The $50,000 was affecting
Wolfe's mental processes.

Suppose a man-eating tiger
jumped into the kitchen window

and then ran down the hall
and saw Ballou.

Well, it was just
too much of a risk to take.

I know who the blackmailer is,
mr. Ballou.

It is not now
and never was Orrie Cather.

That name, milton thales,

you pronounce it
as any american would.

If i pronounce it "thalees",
does that stir your memory?

If i pronounce it "thalees",
doyes. Hat stir your memory??

"Thalees"...yes, yes.

An early greek who predicted
an eclipse of the sun.

Thales of miletus,
6th century b.c.

First great name, Archie,
in mathematics.

I'll be damned.

He preceded euclid by
three centuries, i believe.

That is correct.

He was one of the seven
wise men of ancient greece.

Yes, from the greek,
to measure the earth.

He was...

i hate to break up
this love-fest here

but we have a murder
to investigate.

Now, do you wanna
connect the dots for him

or should i?

Mr. Ballou, miss kerr
told her sister your name

sister told her
mr. Ballou, miss kerr
husband, barry fleming, meand her

who is a professor
of mathematics

at henry hudson high school.

So, i have named
the blackmailer.

Oh, by god, i
believe you have.

Thales of miletus,
milton thales.

Yes, my objective was to
get mr. Cather released.

I could achieve it now
by telling the police

about mr. Fleming
blackmailing you

but i don't
intend to do that.

I owe you some
consideration

since i only knew of the
blackmailing through you.

Then there's this...
yours.

Yes, a blackmailer is not,
ipso facto, a murderer.

I cannot accept it until
i have concluded with finality

that you are not
the murderer.

Question:

How soon after the first call
from the blackmailer...

right away,
a day or two later.

She asked two or three times
if it was continuing.

She must have asked him
more than once to stop, then.

Perhaps she finally threatened
to go to the police.

Better than that,
she threatened

to squeal on him
to stella, right?

Now, he could have called
the whole thing off

instead of killing her if she
threatened to go to the police.

But, if she threatened
to go to her sister,

he would have to kill her
because, sooner or later...

you know, he'd run the risk
of her telling stella

or somebody finding out
through stella because...

uh, mr. Goodwin is somrecipitate

but he has actually
talked to mr. And mrs. Fleming.

Uh, yes, i've seen
them together.

He may not be
ipso facto, a murderer.

But ipso, Archie Goodwin...

if i can earn this,
i want it.

If i can serve your purpose
without damage to mine, i shall.

But take that package
with you when you leave

because here in my safe,

it might affect
my mental processes.

What are you gonna do?

What am i going to do?

Confer with
my colleagues.

If you don't want two more
men in on your secret... go.

So, saul, fred,
Wolfe and i conferred.

We considered doing actual
detective work

but Wolfe would have nothing to
do with anything so pedestrian.

He is, as you probably
have heard, a genius,

and feels the need
to prove it from time to time.

Thus it was that
the next afternoon

i found myself at arm's length

from an attractive young woman
in bed, miss Julie Jaquette.

Poor isabel.

Blackmailer for brother-in-law
and murderer for a pet.

And a hee-haw
for a friend.

She only had
one real friend, me.

Now, i cale
only professionally.

If i were going
to be personal,

i would call you a kitten
or a snuggle bunny.

Do you realize
that this is a bed

and i could reach out
and grab you?

I'm watching every move.

Have you seen mine?

Ahem, to continue...
yes.

I call you a mule
because you have decided

that Orrie Cather
killed isabel.

Yeah, you won't budge.

Why should i?

Because the third-smartest
detective in new york,

saul panzer, says he didn't.

Panzer's a rat.

And i may be a mule
but i can count up to two

and say the alphabet
backwards.

A mule would
say it backwards.

She was killed by
barry fleming.

Huh.

Do you have reasons?

Uh, plenty,
just no evidence.

Not one little scrap?

Now, would you like to
see the murderer get it?

Damn right i do.

Then you can help us.

You can write barry fleming
a letter, right?

Say that you want the
five grand that he got from "x".

Oh, i like that.

Right, now, in the letter,
you'll also tell him

that isabel used to
tell you everything

and that she told you...

no, what you do
is you hint.

You hint that you know
he killed her, right?

And that you know why.

That's a lot of lies
for one little letter.

No, no, it's just one lie
and the lie being

that she told you,
fact is, i told you.

You did, didn't you?

Now, he'd have to kill you
once he gets the letter.

But it would be a cinch
to get evidence of that.

So, we'd get him and...
happy ending.

(giggling)

Are you married?

Married, no, no, i've asked
at least a thousand.

It's a damn shame
it won't work between us.

I could get a charley horse
just trying to keep up.

Plus you'd only get
a trip to the cemetery

if i'm only
gonna be killed.

What do i say
in this letter?

What letter?

Hey!

Z-y-x-w-v-u-t-s-r-q-p-o-n-
m-l-k-j-l-h-g-f-e-d-c-b-a.

You came here to deal me in.

10 to 1... 20 to 1,
Wolfe wrote that letter out

and it's in your pocket,
so, let's see it.

I, uh...

here's the thing,
saul, the rat,

actually wrote it,
i merely memorized it.

No one's tried to kill me
before, i'll feel important.

Once barry fleming
gets that letter,

you'll be a sitting duck,

where you go, we go.
No dodges.

None of this "show what
men are for" business.

Just because you smooth-tongued
me into sticking my neck out

doesn't mean that you can
suddenly tell me what to do

and follow me everywhere.

Whoa, i doubt that you could be
smooth-tongued into anything

that you wouldn't want
to be smoooth-tongued into

but more on that later.

The thing about it is this,
you're gonna have to behave

and you're gonna
have to obey orders.

What do you swear on,
the bible?

No, some of the men
in it are awful.

So are the women.

We'll shake.

So, we had an accomplice.

We spent some time setting out
the rules of the game

which was that one of us
would be with her at all times

until the murderer
played his hand.

By early the next morning,

new york's finest operatives
were in place.

Fred durkin was in
the lobby...

and i was outside
milady's door.

Do you want lunch?
I'm ordering breakfast.

I always have
fried eggs and bacon.

I never get frieeggs
and bacon at home.

Yeah, sure,
double your order.

All righty, then.

(clearing throat)

Isabel figured out
pretty quick

she wasn't cut out
for show business.

Well, she had a lot of
enthusiasm but let's just say

she wasn't the most graceful
gazelle in the flock.

(phone ringing)

Hold this.

Hello.

Well, yes, mr. Fleming,
this is Julie Jaquette.

Fine, man, see you then.

Will he bring
his own ashtray?

Sure.

Ok, well, um,
you stay here,

and i'm gonna put on
something more comfortable.

(man)
Taxi.

Well, well, well.

I know how things fit
and that fits very well.

Well, thank you very much.

Okay, now, i'm allowed to give
you an order, all right?

Now, you are to stay
away from these windows

and close the drapes,
all right?

All right, snuggle bunny.

Now, how are we gonna deal
with him, do you talk or do i?

Well, i'm the pro.

Excuse me,
i'm the actress.

Not for a murder.

Finr, you deal with him,
downstairs in the lobby.

Oh, that would be
real smart.

Yeah, leave you
up here alone.

No, how about, uh,
i'll be seen but not heard?

Oh, i like that almost.

Unless i find it necessary.

No, i'll say,
"bob's your uncle...

(knocking)

Well, answer it.
You get it.

It's your room, he came
to see you, now go.

Ohhh, i hate orders.

You hide.

Well, hello.

Good afternoon,
mr. Fleming.

Ohhh!

I believe you've
met mr. Goodwin.

I thought this
would be private.

Yes, well,
won't you come in?

, have you got the money?
Yes, well,
won't you come in?

Um, i'm afraid that isabel
told you some things

that are not true,
i'm afraid.

Aw, nuts, the only reason
i haven't told the cops

is because isabel
wouldn't want me to.

She'd want you to
cough it up.

She'd also
want me to tell stella

'cause that's what
she was gonna do.

Honestly, miss Jaquette...

what do you think,
mr. Goodwin?

What do i think?
I'll tell you what i think.

I think we ought to call,
ahem, mr. Cramer.

No.

No?
No?

I'll give you the money.

Yeah, i'll give it
to you, umm...

the banks are closed,
i'll bring it monday.

All of it?

Of course.

$5,000.

Yeah, uh, but isabel wouldn't
want you to tell my wife.

I'm sure she wouldn't.

She wouldn't want you
to worry stella.

Promise me you won't.

I'm not promising
anything, man.

I'll promise for five grand,
but it's got to be here monday.

Yeah, but Archie's promise
is no good without mine.

Eh?

Oh, what the hell?
I promise, too.

You hashed it.

I hashed it?

First you call me mr. Goodwin
and then you call me Archie.

Well, now he's gonna
have to kill you, too.

He will not,
i'm just hearsay.

You supplied the motive.

You'll have to be removed,
i'm sorry.

Aw, you really
dealt me in.

Yes, i have, i'm afraid so,
you're absolutely right.

I should have told you
that once you're in

it's really impossible
to get out, i apologize.

Well, i don't want out,
he killed her.

? hey, cowboys?

? get on your big
white stallion?

? i'll put
a blanket on mine?

? you know we'll
go out riding?

? 'cause cowboys and indians
get on just fine?

? yeah, cowboys?

? and indians?

? oh, yeah, cowboys?

? and indians?

? da-da-da-da-da-da
cowboys?

? indians?

? i got my boand arrow
?

? you got your
10-gallon hat?

? together
we'll go out dancing?

? 'cause cowboys and indians
do it like that?

? yeah, cowboys?

? and indians?

? oh, yeah, cowboys?

? and indians?

? da-da-da-da-da-da
cowboys?

? da-da-da-da-da-da?

? indians, yeah
yeah, yeah??

(cheers & applause)

I think motherhood
is a wonderful thing.

But renting a child is the only
way i know if it's for me.

Well, i've got four
for you to choose from.

All right, s

it was time to
get miss Jaquette home,

back to the maidstone hotel.

Saul went home
to get some shuteye

while fred took the
night shift.

He and Julie
were getting acquainted

by way of his wife and kids.

They negotiated all the way
to the maidstone hotel.

Knowing him, i hoped she
didn't think he meant it.

And knowing her, i hoped he
didn't think she did.

And knowing her, i hoped he
didn't think she did. Okay,
so december it is,
what's it gonna be,

a boy or a girl?

Should it be by the pound?

More for the girl.

(gunshot)

(screaming)

(gunshots)

(man)
Get down!

Get down,
get down!

Move along, move along,
move along.

Get down, get down,
get back, get back.

Archie!

Stay down... fred!

Bastard shot me in the leg.
She all right?

Yeah... i got to get
you to the hospital.

No, i've been to
hospitals before.

Stay down,
everybody stay down!

Get inside!

Take her, now.

You're alive.

Yes, just barely.

Who's the guest?

Julie Jaquette,
she's alive too.

It's not my fault, she was
shot at late last night,

fred got it in the leg,
he's at roosevelt hospital.

The sniper was not seen?

No, sir, but it's almost
certainly barry fleming.

All we need is
a little evidence.

I suppose you want
a full report?

After you've eaten.

"3:20 a. M, there is
a guest in the south room.

Tell him i'll cook her
breakfast... a.g."

Were you drunk
whe?

Fritz, now, i admit

it's your function
to cook breakfast.

But she likes her eggs fried,
you don't fry eggs...

ahh, forget what she wants.

Poach 'em in red wine
and bouillon.

That will show her
what men are for.

Suppose we could get proof that
fleming killed isabel kerr.

So if we got it and
we gave it to mr. Cramer,

what would happen?

Three things: One,
they'll drop Orrie fast.

Two, fleming will be tried
and probably convicted.

Three, they'll try
to keep Ballou's name

out of it and fail.

Four... make it four...
you won't get that 50,000.

What did i tell
mr. Ballou?

That if you can
serve his purpose

without damage to yours,
you will

but i don't see how we
can possibly pull it off.

I wanted your opinion on risk,
not feasibility.

Could we conceivably
jeopardize our purpose?

No, no, no, Orrie is
as good as out of it now.

Fine, then there's
no risk at all.

No, the problem is
to expose the murder

without exposing "x".

(hard knocking)

Cramer, as expected,
ask Fritz to answer the door.

I'll go up to
Jaquette's room,

make sure she doesn't
for...

(knocking)

Come in.

Hey!

Do you remember
the script?

Yeah, but it's
not very good.

H, should we
yeah, but it's
check it, though? Ot very good. A

sure.

Z-y-x-w-v-u-t...

oh, right,
i keep forgetting.

Come on, Julie, you got to
remember the script, okay?

Hmm?
Okay?

Ahh.
You know?

Oh!

Hmm... yeah.

Three paces
inside the office

unexpected scene.
Ke in an

well, well,
isn't this nice?

I want to know why you're
guarding Julie Jaquette,

and who you're
guarding her from.

Durkin says he doesn't
know, but you do.

Who fired those shots
at the girl, Goodwin?

I would suggest
Orrie Cather

but that's out
'cause he's in the can.

Ah, nuts!

Mr. Cramer,
why not be forthright?

You want to learn if i have
collected any evidence

that would weaken your
case against mr. Cather.

Why not just be
straightforward and ask me?

All right, i ask you,
have you?

Yes.
What evidence?

I'm not prepared
to divulge it.

My god, you admit to
obstructing justice.

You know,
that's a nice point.

If i withhold information

or evidence that would
help convict a man

that is obstruction, yes.

But if the evidence
that i withhold

would help to acquit him,
is that obstruction?

Well, curious curiosity.

I don't know if that point has
ever been raised judicially.

Perhaps we should ask...

mr. Parker!

Ask my ass!

If you got evidence
to clear Cather

and can convict somebody
else with it, i want it.

Now, you try to be
forthright, Wolfe.

Give me your word of honor that
the shots fired at Jaquette

had nothing to do with
the death of isabel kerr.

I cannot, i suspect
there is a connection.

But you haven't
established it, hmm?

No... mr. Cramer,
i think it would be best

for you to assume that
i have no evidence.

Ah...

all right, Goodwin,
where is she?

Could you mean
miss Jaquette?

Yes, i could, you brought
her here last night.

She's in the south room.

Squeak went the
mousie mousie in the hall.

Hole...

come in!

(Julie on intercom)
Good morning.

Would you like a seat,
how about a cocktail?

Have a seat, sit down.

(cramer)
Oh, must be nice

living large here,
miss Jaquette.

Yeah.

I feel pro... tected.

Yeah, why?

Why do you need
protection?

Well, i might as well
tell you the truth.

That's always the best way.

Between you and me,
i don't need protection.

Last week
between you and me,
i di met Archie Goodwin.

I simply flapped,
what a man!

I had to have him.

Oh, criminy.

So, i told Wolfe
a man was annoying me

and i needed protection
day and night.

Now, archiw this, but,

he was there
all day saturday...

in my hotel room.

If you didn't need
protection,

why did somebody
try to kill you?

Mmm...

maybe he was shooting
at fred or...

maybe he was just
shooting at anybody.

Mmm...

do you know the penalty for
giving false information

to an officer
investigating a crime?

Oh, what crime are
you investigating?

Hmm.

You want to retract
your statement

that Orrie Cather killed
your friend isabel kerr?

Ha, i never said that.

You implied it good enough.

Do you remember
what you said?

Certainly i do.

Hey, do you know that i can
say the alphabet backwards?

Z-y-x-w-v-u-t,
s-r-q-p-o-n...

miss Jaquette!

(growling)

Miss Jaquette...

angry, mean,
big, bad bear.

Big bear, go, bear, go!

I hope you know what
you're doing, miss Jaquette.

Nero Wolfe and
Archie Goodwin

are two of the slickest
operators in new york.

Sure you don't
want to reconsider?

Mmm...

no, thanks!

You can leave
the door open.

(groaning)

Eesh.

How much verity was there
in what she told mr. Cramer?

Every single,
wonderful word of it.

Can that woman be trusted
in a matter that requires

adroitd full discretion?

Well, she's not talking
just to hear herself.

Then we'll risk it.

Ask mr. Ballou to
come by at 11:00.

Tell him i'll only
need him 10 minutes.

Miss Jaquette
must not see him.

Can you make sure
she doesn't?

Sure... Fritz, can you arrange
to be vacuuming outside

our guest's door at 11:00,
make sure she stays inside?

Archie, i don't vacuum.

Uh, yeah, i know.

Yes, i believe i could.

(vacuum running)

First point:
I am now satisfied

that you did not
kill isabel kerr

because i know barely
short of certainty

that her
brother-in-law did.

Can you keep
my name out of it?

The problem
needs definition.

Of the five people
who know your name

i can vouch for three,
as for mr. And mrs. Fleming,

the best i could possibly do
would be to create a situation

which would make it
highly unlikely

that they would
ever disclose it.

But i cannot open
their skulls and remove

the cells where your name
is filed, you see that?

Of course, you would be
the judge of the situation.

No, youwill be.

I want to earn that money,
not extort it.

However, to proceed with any
expectation of success

i need the assistance of a
woJulie Jaquette.

I know the name.

Yes, i want to
ask her for help.

And if we succeed, she must
receive $50,000 in cash.

Can you provide it?

The question is pointless,
i'm trapped.

I make it contingent
on success

to preclude any
smell of extortion.

If you think she
can help, get her.

What's the difference,

another 50,000
or 10 times 50?

A million!

You could have at least waited
until she was awake, Fritz.

I have my routine,
mr. Goodwin.

Yeah, well, so do i.

I ought to be
asleep, dammit.

Sleep this afternoon,
mr. Wolfe wants to see you.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, "freets".

Have you all the money
you want, miss Jaquette?

Of all the dumb questions.

Well, l...
i need to know if...

a chance, a long one,

but a chance of making
$50,000 would interest you?

Less income tax?

No, the money would be in cash
and you would sign no receipt.

You know what i would do if
i had 50 grand in one fat wad?

I'd go to college for
four straight years,

maybe even five.

You give me the feeling
there are a lot of things

i ought to know
that i don't know.

Yes?

And the added pleasure
would be that the money

would come from the lobster.

Whoo!

Good job, big man,
you know him?

His fear of
exposure is extreme.

So, you're serious.

Do you engage to keep secret
what i tell you in confidence?

I can do that.

Then you're a paragon.

Now for the fact
that gives us

our one chance
in a thousand.

There is a person who
dreads the publication

of "x"'s association
with miss kerr

even more intensely
than "x" does.

Tell her, Archie.

Oh, that's good.

Thatis very good.

You know, i never saw it
from that angle.

Ha!
Stella.

'Cause stella would do anything,
absolutely anything

to prevent anyone
from finding out

about isabel's association
with "x", see,

including not ever
telling her husband.

I mean, just preventing anyone
from ever knowing this, right?

But, to drive
the point home...

i think i'm on the
right path here, eh...

she would have to know about
the blackmailing, right?

Well, that's
whereyoucome in.

You have to tell...
i think so...

you have to tell stella

about what you wrote barry
in the letter, is that right?

Well, why don't
youtell her?

Well, because you can tell
stella things that isabel

might have told you
and i can't, because,

well, when i met her,
she was dead.

H, so, you want me
to lie again.

Did barry blackmail "x"?
Certainly.

Any doubt he
fired shots at you?

No.

Count to two.

I have, let's go!

Oh... take it easy.

Call?

Yes, this is mrs. Fleming.

(Archie)
Ah, yes, mr. Wolfe
would like to see you.

He knows who murdered
your sister.

What's the address?

914 west 35th.

(doorbell ringing)

Hello, mrs. Fleming,
how are you today?

May i take your coat?

Yes.

Yes, all righty.

Thank you.

There we are.

What do you got
in there?

Oh, nothing.
Nothing, huh?

No, give that to me!

Ah, easy, easy,
i'm just gonna have a look.

You seem a little
nervous, there.

No, that's...

well, well, well,
look at that.

A bristol.22,
how cute.

Give that to me.

No... now, now.

There is a woman in there
who's gonna say some things

that you don't like very much,
and you're very impulsive.

Her name is Julie Jaquette

and she was your
sister's best friend.

Iwas my sister's
best friend.

Yes, well, ahem,
you ought to know.

Now, we're going to go
in there and have a seat

and be very civilized,
let's go.

Uh, by the way, where does
your husband keep his gun?

What?

Yeah, right this way.

Uh, this was in her bag.

But it is not the gun that
fired those shots at you.

That's why i askedyouwhere
your husband keeps his rifle.

My husband?

That's breaking
it to you gently.

The worst is
yet to come.

What is going on here?

You said you'd found
the murderer.

Yes, yes i did.

This is a copy of a letter miss
Jaquette wrote your husband.

He received it friday.

You may have a look.

What... what is this?

Who... who is
milton thales?

"Thalees".

He's your husband.

And "x", who is "x"?

That's the man who was
paying the bills for isabel.

I had to call him "x."

You're the only ones
she told his name to.

She didn't
tell me his name.

Yes, she did.
No, she didn't.

Yes, she did...
isabel wasn't a liar

you told your husband
and he blackmailed "x".

I didn't tell my husband!

No gooackmail is a certaint
y.

I can't believe it.

Uhh, it's hard,
but there's harder.

So that's why.

This will give the police
a motive for isabel's murder.

I just... i just
can't believe it.

They'll get evidence
of barry's whereabouts

the day isabel was killed

and he'll be booked,
tried, convicted.

Hey, you don't
have to club her.

Oh, no...
pardon me.

We're in a pickle, as mr. Wolfe
always likes to say.

I was thinking
about isabel, you know.

Not only did barry kill her

but now he's gonna drag
her name through the mud.

The world will know, everyone
will know about isabel and "x".

She doesn't deserve that.

You know, there is one thing
we could do, of course.

You could convince your
husband to tell the police

there was another reason
why he killed isabel.

That way, we could
keep her name out of it

keep "x"'s name out of it,
the whole thing.

But mostly, for isabel, don't
you think that's a good idea?

You didn't even
know isabel.

True.

And you... it was
people like you...

hey, my little chickadee,
i really loved her.

I wa friend,
what about you?

From what she
told me about you...

iwas her best friend!

Hey!

Archie!

(Archie)
Oh, hey, hey...

ow, ow, ow...
let go, let go...

okay, you... hey.

You all right,
miss Jaquette?

Yeah, i'm all right,
butnowyou can club her!

Mrs. Fleming,
talk with your husband.

We'll give you to
wednesday morning.

Get her out, Archie!

Here, i'll give you
the gun at the door.

Ow.

Imagination and invention
are not the same thing.

Invention is the
product of imagination.

The distinction might seem
arbitrary, but it's not.

See, you're talking
over my headn purpose.

Show me one thing in a book

ask me if it's
imagination or invention

and i'll tell you every time,
let's see you prove me wrong.

Possibly, but, uh,

if we viewed literature
as a discipline, a science.

You get on my nerves because
you haven't got any.

You wouldn't
give a rusty nickel

to know what she's
doing right now.

What who's doing?

You see, that's what
i'm talking about.

Talk, talk, talk around
the issues at hand.

Do you live with
this every day?

(ringing bell)

Sure, dingle the little bell,
just when things get rough.

For the next eight hours,
everyone in the house

did everything we could
to keep from watching the clock.

Wolfe spent time
with his orchids.

Fritz passed some time

doing what he does best
in the kitchen.

By the time night fell,

Julie and i had played
97 games of snooker.

I used to be good.

Mind if i watch you?

Shall i, then?
Yes.

Prepare to
meet your doom.

(doorbell ringing)

Must be cramer.

My god, she hashed it!

Now, you're gonna
go to your room.

I will not.

Yes, you will,
snuggle bunny.

I wanna listen,
i'm going to...

make a sound,
i'll boil you in oil.

Mr. Cramer.

I want all the rats out
of their holes,

you, Fritz,
holtzman, everybody!

I want the rats to
start talking,

g one
i want the rats to
stain here! G, ly the bi

you!

And i wanna
know how you knew!

You also knew that barry fleming
killed isabel kerr

and i wanna know
how you knew that!

You're fuming, mr. Cramer.

You're damn right i am.

Well, then, you're
at a disadvantage.

Don't you want to
compose your mind?

I want you to
answer my questions.

You say that i knew that
mr. Fleming killed miss kerr.

I told you i had no evidence,
i still have no evidence,

have you?

Yes.

Is barry fleming
in custody?

No.

Do you think, by any chance,
that i might have him here?

No, he's dead.

He blew his brains out
with a bristol.22.

His wife found him.

Was a policeman there,
had he been questioned?

No!

Then, how do you know
he killed miss kerr?

How do you know
anythil?

I've told you twice,
i have no evidence.

Well, he wrote it out,
nice and neat.

He's a professor.

She went out for groceries
and when she came back...

"i hereby
state and acknowledge

"that i struck my sister-in-law
isabel kerr on the head

"with an ashtray
and killed her...

(grumbling)

"I did it in an
uncontrollable frenzy

"of anger and resentment.

"She had been living
in great luxury

"and my wife and i
were paying for it.

"I was at
the end of my rope,

"but she would not
listen to reason.

"I did not mean to kill her but
i do not expect forgiveness,

even from my wife...
barry fleming."

Who fired those shots
at Julie Jaquette?

Oh, i do not know.

That's a damn lie.

The murder is solved,
the culprit is dead.

But you are a man who
has an itch of curiosity

and i gall you.

You know, for once, Wolfe,
i agree with you.

So i tell you this:

I learned,
no matter how,

who was paying for
isabel kerr's luxuries

and that led me
to her killer.

I also ain, no matter how,

that mr. Fleming knew

miss Jaquette intended to
make public certain facts.

I did not know that he
fired those shots,

i do not know that now.

But i give you
my word of honor,

everything i have told you
is completely true.

Ah, nuts!

You think you do
everything right.

Always cocky... huh?

And you, Goodwin,

how much did it miss you by
with you standing there?

About a foot,
did it go up your nose?

Now, you both realize

that if you hadn't told
Cather to button his lip,

he would be out by now

and fleming would be in
and still alive.

Oh sure, you realize it,

but you just had to
show how smart you are.

You just had to show
how cocky you are.

I wish to god...
oh, what's the use?

You know, i hope
you have the decency

to send flowers
to his funeral.

And you can do the
casket blanket, Goodwin.

Oh, hey, Archie.

(jingling)

Hey, what's that for?

(clearing throat)

I am deciding something that
can't be decided any other way.

Tails, stella killed
her husband herself.

I have a show tonight,
i'd better go pack.

I wish you well, mr. Wolfe.

And you, madam.

You really think they
know anything better

about anything
in college?

Well, i'm gonna
give it a whirl.

They gotta know something.

Of course, all anybody
really needs is

to eat something
cooked by "freets".

Then, they'd know
something worthwhile.

You're right about that.
Uh-huh.

Can i help you pack?

Sure, you can
pack my undies.

That wasn't the end
of miss Julie Jaquette.

As i was going over the mail
one day a year later

i got a personal letter.

It was a pip.

(Julie)
Dear Archie,

thanks for
telling me about

Orrie marrying that
airline girl.

You know what i think of
that, but, i wish them well.

I say that to people
sometimes.

In a class last week,

we had to say something about
imagination and invention,

and i said everything
Nero said that day at lunch

and it made their eyes pop!

You're right,
they didn't know any better.

But i wish them well, too.

How's "freets"?

Tell him i can still taste
the sauce he used

in those sweetbreads.

Write if you want,
i wish you well... j.

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