A Different World (1987–1993): Season 5, Episode 20 - Sellmates - full transcript

Ron is intrigued by a female con artist. Kim fears she won't be accepted to medical school.

Is equipped with a driver's side

and a passenger side
air bag... for velma.

Why would I need
an air bag for velma?

No problem. I can have
anything removed.

Well, you ought to start
by removing yourself.

Cold.

Life as a car salesman.

It doesn't get
any worse than this.

You're keeping the makers
of cheap suits employed.

Yesterday, I was kicked
and bitten by children.

I had a little old lady fall
asleep during the test drive.



Then two of my customers

actually came back
and bought cars.

What's bad about that?

I was on my lunch break.

The other salesmen got

the commission.

Could you loan me a 50

till I sell my first car?

No, I don't think

I'll live that long.

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Hey, you sell
your first car yet?

No. Most unscrupulous
business in the world.

I should be good at it.



I can sympathize.

I'm waiting on my med school
acceptances.

Oh, you'll get in.

Your first day in med school

your dissection partner
will probably be

some phi beta kappa brother
from Howard.

You guys will look at each other
over the cadaver

and it will be love.

He'll have everything.

Except his own car.

Oh.

But you'll have your own
that you purchased

from your good friend
Ron Johnson

and at a discount price...

Ron, Ron

I don't want
to hurt your feelings

but go away.

Whitley...

Back, Cadillac man, back.

The mail came late
so I brought yours.

There's one in there
from cheswick university.

That's my last choice.

Wish those others
would get here.

Come on, Kimberly.
It's destiny.

When you were born
the doctor slapped you
on your behind and said

"see you in O.R."

Cheswick rejected me.

Let me see this.

There must be some mistake.

Your m-cat is in the top 5%,
you're a straight "a" student

and you got a glowing
recommendation from me.

What about my letter?

I told them you was a whiz
with the cleaver.

And every schmect car
is equipped with dual air bags

to protect the one you love.

Isn't that right,
Mr. Schmect?

I just lost

my partner in life last month.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Why don't we step
into the office

and work out the figures?

Right over here.

Easy Mark... the bereaved.

Yes, sir, Mr. Schmect.

Don't screw it up.

Thank you.

Uh... I, myself, recently
just suffered a loss

but the purchase
of a new automobile

is a great way to ease the pain.

Don't buy schmect's cars!

Don't buy schmect's cars!

Hey, hey, hey!

Figures you'd be working here.

What is this all about?

Don't you read a paper?

Your boss, Mr. Schmect,
owns a line of shoe stores

and they're making dog boots.

What's wrong with a boot
made for a dog?

They are not made for dogs,
they are made of dogs.

Don't buy schmect's cars!

Hey, hey, hey!

Shut up, you lunatics!

Can't you see i'm
in the middle of a sale?

She's just some kook
I know from college.

Her parents dropped
a lot of acid.

Why don't we fill out
the purchase order?

Yogi would never forgive me.

Yogi?

My better half,
my only friend... my beagle.

I'd shoot myself in the foot

before I'd buy a car from here.

Then you should join us,
my brother.

On to the service bay!

Save the dogs!

Wait a minute!

I'll throw in a free c.D.

How about a puppy?

Ah, welcome to schmect motors.

I'm Ron Johnson, at your service

and you are?

Lennox baylor.

Lovely name.

How did you hear
about us, Lennox?

I realize because I'm young

there's a tendency
towards familiarity.

I prefer Ms. Baylor.

I hear you.

Just sold a car to
Gloria steinem last week.

Sorry for the faux pas,
Ms. Baylor.

It happens every day
in the business world.

It's the price one pays

for graduating Harvard at 19.

I could tell at first glance

that you are a woman
of distinction.

The convertible...
It's much prettier

than its picture in
the wall street journal.

Do you read the journal?

Every morning. Oh, yeah.

My broker is my alarm clock.

A man after my own heart.

And your business.

Any questions...
About the car, just ask.

What effect does the three-way
catalytic converter

have on the lockup
torque converter

given that the v-6
is supercharged?

These seats?

These seats are made by
the leading orthopedist

Dr. Mellman.

I'm excited...
About this car.

May I test drive?

Let me just get the keys
and we'll go.

If you don't mind

I prefer to be
one with the machine.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Mr. Schmect insists

that we accompany
the customer on
the test drive

but I'll tell you, I'll
just duck here in the back

I'll get low and quiet, shh.

You won't even know
I'm in the car.

But the car will know.

The car will know?

Well, Ms. Baylor,
wait...

Would, uh..?

Would holding the keys
to my father's Mercedes

make you feel more secure?

Mercedes?

The 500 sl
parked out at the curb.

Just under 90 grand.

Have a nice test drive.

Watch those speed bumps
on your way out.

Hour and a half.

Congratulations, Johnson.

You sold the convertible
to that mourner, didn't you?

Uh...

How long you been
with us now, Ron?

It is Ron, isn't it?

Yeah. This is my fourth day,
Mr. Schmect.

Fourth day, first sale.

You know, when I
was on the floor

it only took me one day
to make my first sale

but then again, who's like me?

Nobody I know, sir.

Yeah.

Well, let me look
at that purchase order.

Purchase order?

You did take money, didn't you?

Actually, I didn't sell
the car, Mr. Schmect.

The guy had lousy credit.

Could you believe he bounced
a check at the funeral?

Can you picture it?

Where's the convertible?

Bill. Bill Wilson
took a customer out...

I fired bill Wilson
this morning.

Where the hell is that car?

It's in good hands.

It's in a Harvard
graduate's hands

and I have the keys to
her father's Mercedes

parked out at the curb.

What Mercedes?

The black one.

It was there
when I gave her the car.

When? When?!

Um...
A couple minutes ago.

About 90.

Oh, god!

It's stolen.

Johnson, you will never work
in a big-time dealership again!

Here she is.

Get out of that car, miss!

I will teach you to go
for a joyride in my cars!

What is it you say
in your commercial?

"Satisfaction is standard"?

Well, Mr. Schmect,
you are not satisfying me.

What?

I took this car out
on a routine test drive.

Now, I am on cruise control
on the highway.

Suddenly, I see a school bus
stalled in my Lane.

I hit the brakes.

Nothing happens.

I am so close I can hear
little voices singing

I swerve onto the median

only to find I am hurtling

towards a solid brick overpass.

Oh, my god.

What happened?

A miracle.

The car ran out of gas.

But the car was full of gas

and you are full of something

that smells
just a little bit worse.

Shut up!

I won't have you talking
to customers this way.

I am really late.

Miss, please...

That was Ms. baylor.

I'll have my service people
work on the car all night long.

She is not going to buy a car.

You're through here.

Miss baylor, please...

Wait a minute.

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

By the way

your wife's sleeping
with the service manager.

I knew that.

Oh! Flimflammed by some filly.

Kick yourself, fool.

Hi.

Bye.

I brought you a peace offering.

Not interested.

It's a tape of your band,
x-pression

live at the blue dog.

What?

When I first saw you
at the dealership

I had this feeling I knew you.

Where did you get
a tape of my band?

Oh, well, same way I
get tapes of, uh...

Let's see... Whitney,
Luther, heavy, and frank.

I'm a video alternatist.

You are a bootlegger.

Well... that too.

Hey, your band is happening.

Why are you wasting your time
selling cars?

Why waste your time
stealing cars?

A new convertible
comes in kind of handy

when you're a record executive,
for an hour.

Listen, do you mind

if I just heat up
some Chinese food real quick?

Well, yes, I mind.

You come barging in here

on your toothpick legs

trying to stick moo shu pork
in my microwave

that I'll probably have to sell

since you cost me my job
with your phony degree

your phony glasses,
and your dad's phony Mercedes.

Is there anything real
about you?

Yeah.

I'm real sorry
I cost you your job.

So...

Are we cool?

Well, you know, there's still
the little matter of your keys.

Which is probably the reason

you came back here anyway,
isn't it?

That's where they are.

I knew there was a reason
I was walking.

Thank you so much.

I appreciate this.

Oh, you really didn't think
the keys were on there?

Oh, no. No, no.

Tomorrow, you're going
to go back to schmect motors

and you're going
to tell the man the truth

and you're going
to get my job back.

But my food is...

Oh, you know

Chinese food is my favorite.

Damn, I'm good. Ooh!

Got you again. Checkmate.

I'm the best chess player
in the math department

and I can't beat you?

Dwayne, I've got a confession
to make to you.

See that mirror behind you?

I can see your every move.

But you can't cheat at chess.

Oh, I would give up my career
for a sugar daddy.

Well, don't look at me.

Whitley, if you quit,
can I have your job?

I'm not getting into med school.

Kimberly, please, you applied
to seven different schools.

But cheswick was the
easiest to get into

if they don't want me, who will?

Why don't you apply
to one of those

nice little medical schools
in Central America?

Gracias, amiga.

Do you want me to write
another letter for you?

Como se llama "cleaver"
in Spanish?

That's good.

Ms. Brooks

you've heard the expression

"dog-eat-dog world"?

Well, in some parts of the globe

it's a people-eat-dog world.

Oh, how dare you!

Now, my shoe company imports
dog pelts and we make shoes.

Dogs are supposed
to bring slippers

not be slippers.

The protest will go on.

Speak, sister!

You know,
it would be a real shame

if something were to happen
to little Ziggy over there.

You... you touch one dread
on this dog's head

and my people will blow
this building sky-high!

We are radical, man, radical.

Come now, Ziggy.

Every automobile at schmect
is put through

my own personal 100-step
inspection process

and nowhere in the industry

can you get
the famous schmect gold package.

Ms. Baylor, hi.

I'm watching my commercial.

Satisfaction is standard.

Buy American.

Buy schmect.

Yankee doodle-doo!

Hey, Freddie, who's walking who?

Johnson,
what are you doing here?

Ms. Baylor has something
she'd like to tell you.

Yesterday was not
what it appeared to be.

I'm not really a customer.

Wait till you hear this.

And he's not really
a fired salesman.

And my wife is not sleeping
with the sales manager.

Ron and I are partners

in an independent
consulting firm.

What?

I know this wasn't
our agenda, Ron

but when I saw
the unlimited potential

of Mr. Schmect's commercial,
I was green with envy.

Green?

Green.

As my partner was saying

she and I have been working
deep, deep, deep undercover

as part of an investigation
into the auto industry.

You've been working undercover?

Why do you think

I purposely didn't sell
one of your cars?

Lennox:
Your behavior

when I returned the car
yesterday was deplorable.

I thought
somebody stole the car.

If we envision a progression

where one dissatisfied
consumer tells another...

Mr. Schmect, you'd
be pushing dog boots.

Those boots are
a by-product of...

Why do you think Americans
prefer Japanese imports?

Is it superior technology?

Nay.

Is it price?

Nay. The Japanese model
is $3,000 more.

Ching, ching!

What do you think it is?

I wish I knew.

I do.

You do?

You do.
Of course, you do.

Go on, baby.

Confidence.

- Confidence?
- Confidence?

It's confidence.

Now, that's what I do
in my commercial.

No. When the average Joe
looks at you

he sees a handsome,
successful tycoon.

Lennox:
Qualities

that most may never attain.

They associate these feelings
of low self-esteem

with you and the cars
you represent.

As riveting
as your commercial is...

It just doesn't respond

to the emotional needs
of your market.

Or especially the male
of the household.

Lennox:
Now, envision

a beautiful field.

A football field.

And on the 50-yard line

there are two cars.

Yeah, a station wagon...

And a convertible.

And the sun is glistening
on the schmect gold package.

A henpecked,
loser husband enters...

Followed by his bigmouthed,
overbearing wife.

He tries to get
in the convertible...

But she goes for the wagon.

All of a sudden,
they're engulfed in glitter.

Yeah, and... and pixie dust,
like in hook.

Huh?

- Right!
- Right!

Right, right.

And now, she turns into
a cheerleader with lovely legs

and these big pom-poms.

The henpecked, loser husband

is now a really handsome
football player.

And they're on the field and...

With the 50-yard line...

Go on, go on!
When do I come in?

Now!

You come in to do the coin toss.

And the wife calls...

Uh... wagon!

And the hubby calls...

Convertible!

Yes, and then we go
to slow motion.

The coin freezes

and we hear over the top

"no matter what the call

schmect is
the right play."

I love it!

Well, then... then...
We'll do it, yeah.

You?

No, I'm going to get
my nephew, Simon, to do it.

He's the genius
behind my present commercial

but you two do good work.

If you ever need a car,
see my sales manager.

Yankee doodle-doo!

What?

Schmect:
Get me Simon, quick.

Simon, listen to this.

Envision a field... yeah.

Ohh!

That thief!

It takes one to know one.

Excuse me?

Look, I did what you asked.

Give me my keys.

I don't have my job back.

Then give me one key.

I'll give you one key
to the future.

Me.

What?

You know, what went on
in there was magic...

Lucrative magic at that.

My pop's always told me
somewhere in the universe

you're going to find
your perfect business match.

I just never envisioned
anyone quite like you.

Are you proposing
business to me?

I am.

Well, this is just
all so sudden.

Well, you don't have
to answer right now.

I feel like going legit
will be painful.

I'll be gentle with you.

Besides, the life you're leading
will catch up with you.

Well, I'm going to consider this
very seriously

because what just went on
in there was unbelievable.

Man, that was one
of my finer moments.

Oh, I came up with
the football field.

That line about
the pom-poms
was so sexist.

If I had said she
was shaking her pom-poms

that would have been sexist.

What are you doing here?

Mr. Gaines,
I can't go home.

There's mail there.

There's only two things
in the world I'm sure of.

One is that I'll never have
another part in my head

and two is that you will be
a medical doctor.

Whitley:
These letters

have been sitting in your box.

When I go by, they go

"paging Dr. Reese,
paging Dr. Reese."

It's a federal offense
to steal mail.

Come on, darlin', please...

The envelopes, please...
And the nominees are:

John Hopkins...

I knew his daddy...

And meharry...

I won't touch that one...

And our own personal favorite

hillman school of medicine.

And John Hopkins says...

Let's see.

John Hopkins says yes.

And meharry says...

Yes!

Both divisions.

Hillman school of medicine

says yes!

Good girl!

I hope you learn
to write illegibly.

Oh, let's go party, whit!

Finally, a doctor in the family.