A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript
[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[all chanting]
Curzuz! Curzuz! Curzuz!
Yes, welcome.
Welcome to "Curzuz,"
the culture's favorite battle
of music magic.
I am your host and DJ, D-Nice.
[cheers and applause]
Tonight, we got Kayutie.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, yes, yes!
And we have Bodegia
in the building.
[cheers and applause]
- Give it up, give it up!
- Thank you, thank you.
You look good, girl.
I haven't seen you
since the Voodoo Awards.
What's it been,
like, 400 years?
You know, you really are
a bad witch,
and I'm not just saying that
'cause you be necromancin'
everybody's mans.
Yeah, the dick is alive,
but the rest of the body dead.
- [laughs]
- All right.
Let's get right into it.
Round one.
It wouldn't be Curzuz
if we don't start
with actual curses.
Well, one thing about me,
all my verses come with curses.
Kayutie's potions are dry,
no lotion.
Please, my rhymes will put
your man under a spell,
Bodegia, so you better
warlock him down!
I know...
- all: That's right!
- Eh!
Well, I'm 1,000 years old,
so I'll go first.
This is the spell that I used
to put Dru Hill back together,
then break them up
ten minutes later
on live radio.
all: Damn!
DJ D-Nice, drop the beat!
[hip-hop music playing]
Bodegia!
Look, listen.
Look.
Listen.
♪ Flim flam,
I got tea to spill ♪
♪ I do what
no other witch will ♪
♪ Woody went solo,
gave God the praise ♪
♪ And Sisqo said "What?"
and pulled out his braids ♪
♪ Splitting up groups
is what I do ♪
♪ Put 'em back together,
you can call me the glue ♪
♪ I said,
put 'em back together ♪
♪ You can call me the glue ♪
♪ Put 'em back together,
you can call me the glue ♪
[cheers and applause]
Okay!
I didn't know that was you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Uh, you better make your next
curse your best curse, Kayutie.
Okay. Don't boss me around.
He mad 'cause we broke up.
- Yes, we did fuck.
- Ooh, I like that.
'Cause I'ma give 'em
some heat.
This is the curse I put
on Drake's dance moves
in "Hotline Bling."
Give me that beat!
[hip-hop music playing]
♪ From wheelchairs to wheels up
he got the game on lock ♪
♪ Got 12 different accents,
he can't be stopped ♪
♪ He a rude boy,
like a island ting ♪
♪ Didn't call me back,
I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
♪ What, what,
I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
♪ I what, what ♪
♪ I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
♪ I what, what ♪
♪ I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, that's what happens
when you don't call me back.
[scoffs]
Damn, payback's a witch!
And that's on...
all: Alakazam!
Yo, yo, watch where
you're shouting those spells.
Oh, sorry, D-Nice.
Round two, everyone.
We did it big with curses.
Now it's time to hit us
with your best collabs.
Me first this time!
Y'all know this one.
This one went instant platinum.
- Oh, you coming with it today!
- That's right.
Now, this is a curse
I put on Lil Jon and Usher
to bring them together
for "Yeah."
'Member that? Yeah!
Let me get that beat!
[hip-hop music playing]
Duke Ellington on the keys.
She got Duke Ellington.
How'd she do that?
♪ From hip-hops
to drop tops ♪
♪ Seven o'clock
on the drizzop ♪
♪ Music so Hpnotiq
it will make you drunk ♪
♪ Usher bring the beat,
Lil Jon bring the crunk ♪
♪ Hip-hops and drop tops ♪
♪ Seven o'clock
on the drizzop ♪
What, what?
♪ This your favorite song
and it been for years ♪
♪ You can learn to twerk
if you face your fears ♪
♪ Twerk it, twerk it,
twerk it ♪
♪ Twerk it,
twerk it, twerk it ♪
♪ Twerk it, twerk it,
twerk it ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah, I got asthma ♪
- [cheers and applause]
- Wow.
You know,
that's gonna be hard to top.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was cute or whatever.
But I'm 'bout to witch slap
y'all with this next one.
And that's on the...
all: Brujas!
This is the one I used
to get Mariah Carey
and ODB to collab.
It changed the game.
DJ D-Nice, drop the beat.
[hip-hop music playing]
Ooh, I like this.
Here we go.
Yeah. Yeah.
♪ Don't bug me,
these hits are butterfly ♪
♪ My girl's hitting notes
eight octaves up high, high ♪
♪ Rap and R&B make ya say
hot damn ♪
♪ With the Wu-Tang Clan
and the Queen of the Lambs ♪
♪ I said rap and R&B
make ya say hot damn ♪
♪ With the Wu-Tang Clan
and the Queen of the Lambs ♪
- [cheers and applause]
- Yes! That was fire!
Okay, that was cute
or whatever,
but it's time to get romantic
on these witches.
Aw, yeah.
Final round: love spells.
My turn! I love a love spell.
And that's on...
all: Black love!
DJ D-Nice,
give me something smooth.
[R&B music playing]
I'm about to get delicate
in this motherfucker.
This is for all
the people in the crowd
who's gonna fuck tonight
on their backs
and on their bellies.
- I'ma do both.
- Wow.
♪ ♪
♪ Fire, brimstone ♪
♪ High notes and dribbles ♪
♪ We need a real love
that is mad official ♪
♪ Make it last forever until ♪
♪ And that's on
Tamia and Grant Hill, yeah ♪
[cheers and applause]
Oh, we doin'
sports and music bae collabs?
That's when I get in my bag.
Let me get one more. I know...
all: That's right!
D-Nice, make it sexy.
[soft R&B music playing]
- Ooh.
- Oh, this is the--
this one was number one.
This is--I like this one.
Yeah. This was number one.
- This is my best one.
- Yeah, I like this one.
♪ ♪
♪ Curses, spells,
and seances ♪
♪ Nowhere, uh ♪
♪ My good sis called on God
with a prayer ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Saw it fly by ♪
♪ I flicked my wand, yeah ♪
♪ Thank me for Ciara
and Russell Wilson, yeah ♪
♪ If you like that,
you gon' like this battle ♪
all: ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'ma give you something
that's more better, yeah ♪
♪ Look at me, baby,
'cause I'm better ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I just won this Curzuz
'cause I'm better ♪
all: Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
This has been "Curzuz."
I'll see you next time
on the Sorcerer Awards.
♪ ♪
[Doechii's "I Told Em"]
♪ We told 'em we was kings,
we showed 'em the machine ♪
♪ I been gave 'em the keys,
I been flew overseas ♪
♪ I been knew I'm a queen,
I been knew I was free ♪
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em,
I told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ I been whippin' the rolls,
I been bookin' the shows ♪
♪ I been takin' the hoes,
they been calling me doe ♪
♪ I been pickin' the clothes,
I been knew I was gold ♪
♪ I told 'em,
I told 'em, I told 'em ♪
♪ Holla, ooh ♪
♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ What you told 'em ♪
♪ The funk don't matter
if it's not cross chatter ♪
♪ If the Black Lives Matter
I would know ♪
♪ What you told 'em,
what you told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I would know,
what you told 'em ♪
♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪
[upbeat percussive music]
[elephant trumpeting]
Welcome
to "Black Table Talk,"
the only place
on the "Hworld Hwite Web"
where we can have
an honest conversation
about the systematic destruction
of Black culture.
I'm your host,
Dr. Haddassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD,
and today, my guest is--
Yeah, no, I'm not doing this.
[laughs] Nope.
You can take my name
right off of the lower third.
Oh, Colman Domingo.
I like the aggression, my king.
Laying down the law
from the beginning.
I like it. Welcome to the show.
No need to welcome me.
You tricked me into being here.
You said it was gonna be
a sit-down interview
with Oprah.
- Yes, I did say that.
- Yeah, you lied to me.
- No.
- "No."
- You misheard me.
- Did I?
See, see, see,
I said it's gonna be
a sit-down interview...
- With?
- Dr. Haddassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
- Not at all.
- They sound alike.
Nope, not in any world
do they sound alike.
Agree to disagree.
Well, you're superglued
to the chair,
so you can't leave now.
Today's topic: the desecration
of Black men in media.
I thought the topic
was acting for activists.
I don't see
Jesse Williams here.
- I'm a feminist.
- You're a what?
- A feminist.
- Hah!
- What's wrong with that?
- Hey!
You don't believe
in feminism?
Absolutely not!
Well, how--
how is that possible?
- You're a woman.
- I am a female!
What questions do you have
for me today?
- Mr. Colman Domingo.
- Yes.
Colman Domingo, you are on--
Why do you say my name
like that?
- Colman Domingo!
- Okay, wow! That's so much.
I don't know why it's so much. Anyway.
Colman Domingo!
Now, you play a drug dealer
on a hit HBO television series,
"Eu...
four-I-A."
No, absolutely not true,
and it's called "Euphoria."
Okay. I'm sorry, no, go ahead.
You have questions.
Now, "hwhy" do you think
this is the right way
to portray Black men
on television?
All those "hwite" people
watching?
[laughing]
I'm not playing a drug dealer.
He's not a drug dealer.
- He's a former addict.
- Ah!
And, uh, a sponsor
to the central character,
and he's really just offering
a bit of light
and humanity to the show.
You're also in another movie
called "The Color Purple."
Now, what do you have against
the colors red, black,
and green?
Nothing. I don't have
any problems with those--
Now, you starred in a movie
called "Candyman."
Yes.
Why you so obsessed
with Black people
getting stung by bees, Colman?
[laughs] Okay, I get it.
I think I see.
- This isn't funny, Colman!
- You're insane. I get it.
Oh, wow, Colman.
You know what's insane?
Black on Hook violence.
Now, Colman Domingo, I see here
that you are an Afro-Latino.
Where is Afro-Latinia?
It's not a country.
- Tu hablas español?
- Maybe.
Sí, sí, sí.
Now, that one was in Spanish.
Mr. Colman Domingo,
you recently won an Emmy award.
I did. Thank you so much.
Now, why would you name that
after a young "hwite" woman?
Why do you hit that H
so hard?
- You say it.
- White.
"Hwite."
You have a--what is
a Tony Award nomination?
What does that even mean?
That--uh,
that's for my work onstage,
and it was for a show
called "The Scottsboro Boys,"
'cause I'm
a song and dance man.
A "hwat"?
Oh, God, I know
what you're gonna say.
You know the only song
I know, Colman?
What?
♪ Wade ♪
♪ In the water ♪
That's a dirge.
You know that, right?
♪ Wade ♪
♪ In the water ♪
both: ♪ Children, wade ♪
♪ In the water ♪
♪ God's gonna trouble ♪
♪ The water ♪
Colman, that was
a beautiful moment.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, you were in
something called
"Ma Rainey's Black Bottom"?
Do you even watch
any of this stuff?
- Not a one.
- Of course you don't.
So you're just reading titles
off that card.
I'm not reading.
These are pictures.
- Do you read?
- Why would I do that?
Well, let me help you.
You should see other shows
because you will realize
that we're not trying
to destroy Black culture,
you know?
What you're doing is devaluing
all these incredible artists
that have made such an impact, okay?
All right, just because
we have, you know,
"The Color Purple"
in the title.
- Huh!
- Or the phrase "Black Bottom."
- Hah!
- The--you'll see that
if we didn't do these things,
we would have
no representation.
If we have no representation,
then our legacies
would just be wiped out.
[uplifting music]
Maybe you're right.
♪ ♪
Thank you.
Thank you, my king.
Oh, you're very welcome.
Yes, you have taught me
so much today.
You're welcome, sis.
I just have
one final question for you.
Okay.
What is
"If Beale Street Could Talk"?
Why would you have a historic
Black street talkin'?
Isn't it bad enough
that "hwite" people
are trampling all over it
every day?
The ducks coming out
to that hotel,
waddlin' on it?
Duck, Duck, Goose,
guess who's an idiot.
Black people!
Can you tweet this
to your followers on Tic Tac?
- You have Instagram?
- A "hwat"?
IG. Do you have Facebook?
Why would I put my face
on a book?
Well, do you have Myspace?
Are you talking about
BlackPlanet?
Well, where is this airing?
- This?
- Yes.
It doesn't.
That's all the time we have
for "Black Table Talk."
[elephant trumpeting]
[panther snarling]
[soft music]
Karlie Chanel
is a motivationalist,
inspirationalist,
published author
on Pinterest-alist,
the rainbow
after the brainstorm.
TV executives,
please welcome...
Ms. Karlie Chanel!
[scattered applause]
[laughs]
Did she just introduce
herself?
She's been standing
behind the curtain
the whole goddamn time
like this is a magic show.
Get ready, networks,
because I, Karlie Chanel,
am here to offer up
my goddess-given gifts
in the form of TV bliss.
[laughs]
America is suffering.
I'm suffering.
People are spending
47 hours a day
doomscrolling and dying
under weighted blankets.
But to quote my extended
relative, Pocahontas,
the life that
they're looking for...
[mimicking echo] For...
is "just around the riverbend."
So I present to you, TV-EOs,
"Crossing Streams
with Karlie Chanel."
That reminds me,
I need to get
my prostate checked.
I can hear you.
I thought I did that
last night.
Oh, girl, you did.
- [both chuckling]
- Did I do a good job?
You got up in there.
I'm like--
"Crossing Streams"
is 42 minutes
of monologues,
cooking segments,
and--[screaming]
Oh.
Primal screaming
that'll have you
falling in love
with your destiny's
inner child.
Can I get a "CB-Yes" from CBS?
- Oh, God.
- Huh?
Are you ready
to dream the stream?
CBS doesn't dream.
We keep one eye open.
No deal.
I'll see you in the car.
Mm. Get the little--
NBC, do you "NB-See"
what I'm sayin'?
I'll bring the "law,"
you bring the multi-series
"order"!
♪ The more you ♪
No.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
B-b-but wait!
There's more!
Where are you all going?
I'll give you
an eight-figure deal
on the spot,
my little mint foolep.
[gasping]
But it comes at a price.
[demonic voice] Your soul.
- Oh, no. Not you again.
- Yes.
I've already delivered
666 Karliebelle souls to hell!
I can give you three
primetime specials.
Might as well rename yourself Lizzo,
'cause all that cash
is gonna feel good as hell.
If I wanted to make
a deal with the devil,
I would just win
"American Idol."
And you would know that
if you ever read
my self-published e-book
entitled,
"To Make a Deal with the Devil,
Win 'American Idol.'"
I'm talking
international distribution,
my little honey-baked hot comb.
You'll be more worldwide
than Pitbull,
and not the ones white women
adopt and put in tutus.
Wait.
I could be an international
inspirational motivationalist?
Oh, so far, the only borders
that I've reached
are the closed bookstores.
Yes. It's so sad,
if you think about it.
But with my help, people won't
call you "Noprah Losefrey."
I'll have a deal
that'll gas you up!
[banjo music]
Ah, well, look who it is.
My old rival, gas station TV.
You know, with all these
electric vehicles,
I thought you'd gone
the way of Quibi.
Dead.
[laughs] Hardly.
Just like racism,
we'll be here forever.
- I hate that for us.
- Ms. Chanel,
if you sign with
Two Pumps and a Bump TV,
you will be the face
of our network.
That means everyone everywhere
will think of you
when they pass gas.
Stations.
Gas stations.
Thinkin' of you.
The--passing gas stations.
Why would I want that?
[laughs]
As I said in my blog post,
"How to Retain Hot Air:
Flatulence,
It Is A Sign of Weakness,"
you want to associate
your brand with class,
not gas.
Ha! Looks like I've won,
Gaseous Clay.
Hold on,
Evander Not-So-Holyfield.
Fortune is fleeting.
So if I sell you my soul,
you have to make me
a household name.
[laughs]
Fine.
But only 'cause you're sweet,
Stevia Wonder.
I'll not only make you famous.
I'll make sure you're
the only person in the world
with a talk show.
You'll have less competition
than the Food Network.
It is my eternity of yes!
Excellent.
Sign here.
Now, I normally have people
sign in blood,
but your blood type
is AB-Annoying.
Ah!
Congratulations,
people of Earth!
You get to revolve
around me now!
Aht-aht-aht.
Not so fast, butterbutts.
Huh?
I didn't say which planet.
Enjoy your little talk show...
[demonic voice] On Mars!
[laughing]
Uhh!
[laughter echoing]
[upbeat music]
What up, fam?
It's your girl
Cookie motherfuckin' Carusso
on my acting shit!
Yo, and you know me.
I'm famously famous
for playing the devil,
motherfuckers!
Ha-ha!
Yo, shout out to TMZ.
Y'all didn't catch me
at the airport earlier,
but you can catch me coppin'
free sushi and shit
at Nobu Maliboots!
I be gettin' real nigiri-ish
up in there, eh-eh!
Yo, one thing about me,
I don't get crazy at auditions,
you know what I'm sayin',
'cause I don' fuck with auditions.
I just show up, and boom!
It's a show. Ha!
Like right now,
y'all can't play me.
I know this is really
a episode of "Hot Ones."
Bring the wings!
Here's your wings,
'cause you so fly.
All right, Margarita.
This bitch is always trying
to convince folks
she on "Hot Ones,"
but that's just
her regular lunch.
[coughing]
Oh, shit!
Ah!
What is this,
the motherfuckin' ten?
- It's just garlic parmesan.
- Goddamn!
Shit!
[coughing]
♪ ♪
[uplifting music]
- Good job, runners!
- Good, good, good, good, good!
There you go, there you go!
Uh-huh! Yeah!
Look at y'all out here running
like some Kenyans!
- Yes!
- [laughing]
Love to see it!
[clears throat]
More like some Preten-yans.
- [both laughing]
- And I should know,
because I am Deena Daleedah,
the Speed Walkin' Diva,
1979 champ, what you say!
Oh, I didn't say anything,
Miss Daleedah,
but it's such an honor
to stand next to a winner.
I'm always runner up.
Ooh, runner?
Oh, no, no, now, Marta, please.
I don't do no running, honey.
No, no, no, see, I--I sashay.
[laughs]
You got it, runners!
When I run, my knees sound
like Savion Glover tap dancing.
[imitating tap dancing] Ow! Ow!
That sounds really painful.
- Oh! Want some water?
- Deena, look.
- Mm.
- Let me give you the rundown.
Oh, I don't do no runnin'!
Go on, give me a,
"What you say!"
What you say!
Can we not do this this year?
I'm exhausted.
I was up all night catfishing
my husband's mistress.
I'm so sorry
about your broken home,
but have you ever broken
a record
keeping straight legs
at a moderately fast pace
to claim--
Claim all glory.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You tell more lies than my
husband in couples counseling.
- Always running your mouth.
- Hey, hey!
I don't do no runnin'.
You do know that it takes
more muscles
to walk than to run.
Did you know that? Huh?
Can I get a "what you say"?
What you say!
Okay, hand me a synthetic wig,
'cause I love being
the Anderson Paak
to your Bruno Mars.
[both laughing]
[laughs mockingly]
Dang, Marta.
What are you,
Skechers Shape-Ups?
Always making me look bad.
Deena, why don't you just
sign up, pay the goddamn fee,
and run if you're so good?
Deena Daleedah
don't do no runnin', okay?
You want me out here
sweatin' my edges out, huh?
Nips gettin' chafed
and bending my knees?
- For what?
- You say!
Oh, oh.
If it isn't Little Miss Althea.
I need water.
Just water, Deena.
Don't give me no shit.
Uh... oh.
Mm. [chuckles]
You sure you just want water, huh?
Come on, Harriet Tubman.
Just give me my--
Mm!
- I'm not playing with you.
- Mm-hmm. You sure?
- I'm not playing with you.
- Did you come over here
- just to get water?
- Come--give me my water.
Just to get--just to get--
just to get--
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Whoo! There it is.
You sure you here
for just some water?
Hmm? Hmm? Did you come here
my speedwalking medal?
That's what you did.
You know
Deena's got more fans
than a Southern church
in the summer.
- Whoo!
- Ah!
- What you say!
- What you say!
- Ha!
- It's a medal!
I say
it's a participation medal.
Oh. Ooh, that's what you say?
Every year, you out here
"what you saying"
us real athletes to death
while you Cha Cha Slide
on the side.
Ooh! Hey!
Speedwalking is way harder
than the Cha Cha Slide.
So take it back now, y'all!
- [grunts]
- Look at her.
She don't look like
she never won nothing.
- You ain't either!
- Uh, hello.
That medal says
you just tried.
[both gasping]
Ooh!
[laughing]
Oh, you want to see
the diva in action.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
I want to see the diva
make some traction.
I'm out.
I'm going to set
my husband's car on fire.
Go, girl!
You know what would make me
feel good?
Huh?
You actually running.
Oh, don't you worry
your little pretty self, okay?
I'm going to take it easy
on you, Miss Althea Kibson--
yeah, one letter away
from greatness!
- Oh, oh! [laughs]
- [laughs]
Eat my dust!
Oh, no, you...
Get it, Deena!
[muffled cheering]
You're like a cheetah!
[uplifting music]
[in slow motion]
What you say, Deena!
♪ ♪
Go, Deena!
♪ ♪
What you say!
Ooh! Ooh!
I told y'all!
Well, good for you.
Yet again, you just tried.
[laughs]
We both literally came in last.
What you say!
♪ ♪
[light music]
[screaming, coughing]
Yo, Margarita,
you motherfuckin' bitch!
You did this to me!
I didn't do anything!
Ah!
My name is Margo.
She's been calling me Margarita
for years.
Ah!
Yo, I swear to God,
I should've left your ass
in the gutter at Harvard
where I found your ass.
I went to Howard.
Ahh...
ah!
Ahh!
See, there was hot sauce
in my hand,
and it went in my eye and shit!
Okay, I'ma lick it off.
[screams]
Had a cut on my tongue!
Shit! Oh, God.
Ah, now it's in my wig!
Goddamn it!
- You want some milk?
- I gotta fin--no!
Get that white shit
out of here!
I don't drink no white shit.
♪ ♪
Ugh, Mom,
this wedding is so expensive,
I promise you, it's about to go
from black-tie optional
to food optional.
Janaya, I told you to make it
BYOB: bring your own buffet.
- You did.
- You know what?
I think it's time to give you
something that
my mother gave me.
The sickle-cell trait?
Yes.
But also this.
[gasps]
[angelic choir singing]
Your restaurant napkins?
[laughs]
N-no, I can't take these.
Mom, I'm...
I'm not ready.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're more than ready.
This is a family tradition
spanning back
to when your great-grandmother
was the first Black woman
to be seated at
the whites-only White Castle.
Ooh!
I should use these napkins
for my reception.
[gasps] Ooh!
Or I should sell them
to pay for my "Making the Band"
cover band!
[ominous music]
- Ah!
- Child, are you damaged?
These napkins are
for emergencies.
Lap picnics, boob sweat,
if you spill in your car--
and only in your car!
Okay.
You understand me?
I have absorbed
everything you've said, Mom.
[laughs]
Well...
there's something else
I want to share with you.
Aw.
I wanted to wait
to give it to you
until you foreclosed
on your first house,
but I think you're ready.
Okay.
You know what this is.
- [laughs]
- [gasps]
No.
[angelic choir singing]
Mom, come on. I can't take it.
A remote control with no back?
[gasps]
Twisty ties!
Peppermints.
[gasps] A black coin.
It could be a dime.
It could be a penny.
This is the cornerstone of
every Black woman's household.
But now it belongs to you.
Oh!
No, Mom.
An unscratched scratch-off
from 1994?
I could never be as good
a wife and mother as you.
You won't. [chuckles]
But you'll get close.
[laughs]
Let me get you a plastic bag
so you can put
your heirlooms in it.
[clears throat]
[suspenseful music]
Where in the Sheryl Lee
are my Ralphs bags?
Where are my multicolor array
of crumpled plastic bags?
Maybe they just went out
to get some air.
Let me get a napkin.
Oh, no, I'm not in the car.
Mom, look at me.
I...
donated your plastic bags.
[ominous music]
"Donated"?
"Donated"?
You donate blood, money, food.
Your edges.
But plastic bags,
we keep forever!
Technically,
we do keep them forever.
A plastic's life cycle is--
is longer than
a Georgia voting line.
Why?
18 years of free storage, gone!
Oh!
How am I going to store
my tax receipts?
I bought you the scanner
last Christmas.
Where am I gonna put the hair
when I take my braids out?
Mom, you haven't worn braids
since 2008.
- Mind your business.
- Okay.
- How am I gonna move?
- Boxes.
And when it's cold outside,
how do I insulate my feet?
How do I protect my hand
when I fix the toilet?
[whispering] Call a plumber.
How do I season my chicken?
[sighing] Oh,
I didn't think that through.
And how do I protect
my bump and curl when it rains?
With an umbrella,
just like Mary Poppins.
Don't you sass me!
Yes--yes, ma'am.
You know how many things
I use them plastic bags for?
Stuff I can't even
tell you about.
Okay, come here. Come here.
Come on, sit down. Sit down.
- [sobbing]
- Ooh, okay.
And how are
my future grandbabies
going to trick or treat?
You have ruined my legacy!
Listen,
we can get canvas bags--
You shut
your recycling-ass mouth!
- Okay.
- [gasping]
Until you do right by my bags!
[knocking]
Hello, is anybody home?
Help!
- Hey, how you doing? Hi.
- Yeah, hi.
- Can I help you? Oh.
- Nice house.
- Hello. Hi. Um...
- Excuse me.
Hey, I'm Marquita
with the Sierra Club.
I have this $50,000 check
for you.
[shrieking] Oh, my gosh!
Ciara the singer,
she's gonna pay for my wedding!
Not that Ciara.
S-I-E, not C-I-A.
- Give it back.
- Who the fuck is that?
Uh... uh, is Christine here?
Christine!
Did you find my bags?
Actually, thanks to your
recent donation
of 4,000 plastic bags,
we didn't find them
inside of a whale's stomach,
so, uh, we'd like to award you, Christine,
with this $50,000 check.
Christine--
You can keep that $50,000
and stuff it up your ass!
What did you just say?
I'll kill 4,000 whales
to get my bags back!
[screaming, gasping]
Oh, my God, lady. Wow!
I don't know what's worse!
Not having my bags
or not having
a daughter anymore!
Open the door!
Sorry. Uh--whoa.
Where are you going, Ma?
You live here.
[door slams]
Mama, no!
[crying] Mama, I need you...
to pay for my wedding!
[dramatic music]
What is the name
of the show that I'm on?
- "Euthanasia."
- It is--no.
No, that's something
totally different.
"Unification."
Okay, HBO has a show
called "Euphoria."
- They do?
- Yes.
[laughing] And that's the show
that I'm on.
Who's that central character
on the show?
Zendaya.
Oh, a dark-skinned sister.
I love her.
She's not really
dark-skinned, actually.
Same color as me.
- Yeah.
- Very dark.
It's hard out here for us, Colman.
- [laughing] I can't.
- You don't realize
what it's like to be
a brown-skinned woman today.
[quirky music]
How do you find inspiration
for your characters?
How do you find inspiration
for yours?
I'm not a character.
- This--
- This?
- Natural.
- Really?
- Came out the womb.
- Okay.
Blonde as
the continent is Black.
Colman Domingo,
I'm just saying,
I wrote a one-woman show
for Broadway.
It is called "Pre-PhD,"
based on a novel by Sapphire.
When I was born,
the doctor slapped my butt,
and I said, "Hah!"
- I know Oprah.
- Oh, wow.
Now you're gonna throw it
in my face.
I'm not throwing it
in your face--I'm not--
Throwing it in my face
because you know famous people.
- I'm not using--
- What is she like?
"All my life, I had to fight."
Perfect!
- "I have to--"
- Great.
- I'm not finished.
- That's--oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were--
I was trying to give you a...
"I had to fight my brothers,
my uncles..."
"Un-cahs"?
[both laughing]
[bright tone]
[bright tone]
[all chanting]
Curzuz! Curzuz! Curzuz!
Yes, welcome.
Welcome to "Curzuz,"
the culture's favorite battle
of music magic.
I am your host and DJ, D-Nice.
[cheers and applause]
Tonight, we got Kayutie.
[cheers and applause]
Yes, yes, yes!
And we have Bodegia
in the building.
[cheers and applause]
- Give it up, give it up!
- Thank you, thank you.
You look good, girl.
I haven't seen you
since the Voodoo Awards.
What's it been,
like, 400 years?
You know, you really are
a bad witch,
and I'm not just saying that
'cause you be necromancin'
everybody's mans.
Yeah, the dick is alive,
but the rest of the body dead.
- [laughs]
- All right.
Let's get right into it.
Round one.
It wouldn't be Curzuz
if we don't start
with actual curses.
Well, one thing about me,
all my verses come with curses.
Kayutie's potions are dry,
no lotion.
Please, my rhymes will put
your man under a spell,
Bodegia, so you better
warlock him down!
I know...
- all: That's right!
- Eh!
Well, I'm 1,000 years old,
so I'll go first.
This is the spell that I used
to put Dru Hill back together,
then break them up
ten minutes later
on live radio.
all: Damn!
DJ D-Nice, drop the beat!
[hip-hop music playing]
Bodegia!
Look, listen.
Look.
Listen.
♪ Flim flam,
I got tea to spill ♪
♪ I do what
no other witch will ♪
♪ Woody went solo,
gave God the praise ♪
♪ And Sisqo said "What?"
and pulled out his braids ♪
♪ Splitting up groups
is what I do ♪
♪ Put 'em back together,
you can call me the glue ♪
♪ I said,
put 'em back together ♪
♪ You can call me the glue ♪
♪ Put 'em back together,
you can call me the glue ♪
[cheers and applause]
Okay!
I didn't know that was you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Uh, you better make your next
curse your best curse, Kayutie.
Okay. Don't boss me around.
He mad 'cause we broke up.
- Yes, we did fuck.
- Ooh, I like that.
'Cause I'ma give 'em
some heat.
This is the curse I put
on Drake's dance moves
in "Hotline Bling."
Give me that beat!
[hip-hop music playing]
♪ From wheelchairs to wheels up
he got the game on lock ♪
♪ Got 12 different accents,
he can't be stopped ♪
♪ He a rude boy,
like a island ting ♪
♪ Didn't call me back,
I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
♪ What, what,
I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
♪ I what, what ♪
♪ I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
♪ I what, what ♪
♪ I cursed "Hotline Bling" ♪
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, that's what happens
when you don't call me back.
[scoffs]
Damn, payback's a witch!
And that's on...
all: Alakazam!
Yo, yo, watch where
you're shouting those spells.
Oh, sorry, D-Nice.
Round two, everyone.
We did it big with curses.
Now it's time to hit us
with your best collabs.
Me first this time!
Y'all know this one.
This one went instant platinum.
- Oh, you coming with it today!
- That's right.
Now, this is a curse
I put on Lil Jon and Usher
to bring them together
for "Yeah."
'Member that? Yeah!
Let me get that beat!
[hip-hop music playing]
Duke Ellington on the keys.
She got Duke Ellington.
How'd she do that?
♪ From hip-hops
to drop tops ♪
♪ Seven o'clock
on the drizzop ♪
♪ Music so Hpnotiq
it will make you drunk ♪
♪ Usher bring the beat,
Lil Jon bring the crunk ♪
♪ Hip-hops and drop tops ♪
♪ Seven o'clock
on the drizzop ♪
What, what?
♪ This your favorite song
and it been for years ♪
♪ You can learn to twerk
if you face your fears ♪
♪ Twerk it, twerk it,
twerk it ♪
♪ Twerk it,
twerk it, twerk it ♪
♪ Twerk it, twerk it,
twerk it ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Ah, ah, I got asthma ♪
- [cheers and applause]
- Wow.
You know,
that's gonna be hard to top.
Okay, thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was cute or whatever.
But I'm 'bout to witch slap
y'all with this next one.
And that's on the...
all: Brujas!
This is the one I used
to get Mariah Carey
and ODB to collab.
It changed the game.
DJ D-Nice, drop the beat.
[hip-hop music playing]
Ooh, I like this.
Here we go.
Yeah. Yeah.
♪ Don't bug me,
these hits are butterfly ♪
♪ My girl's hitting notes
eight octaves up high, high ♪
♪ Rap and R&B make ya say
hot damn ♪
♪ With the Wu-Tang Clan
and the Queen of the Lambs ♪
♪ I said rap and R&B
make ya say hot damn ♪
♪ With the Wu-Tang Clan
and the Queen of the Lambs ♪
- [cheers and applause]
- Yes! That was fire!
Okay, that was cute
or whatever,
but it's time to get romantic
on these witches.
Aw, yeah.
Final round: love spells.
My turn! I love a love spell.
And that's on...
all: Black love!
DJ D-Nice,
give me something smooth.
[R&B music playing]
I'm about to get delicate
in this motherfucker.
This is for all
the people in the crowd
who's gonna fuck tonight
on their backs
and on their bellies.
- I'ma do both.
- Wow.
♪ ♪
♪ Fire, brimstone ♪
♪ High notes and dribbles ♪
♪ We need a real love
that is mad official ♪
♪ Make it last forever until ♪
♪ And that's on
Tamia and Grant Hill, yeah ♪
[cheers and applause]
Oh, we doin'
sports and music bae collabs?
That's when I get in my bag.
Let me get one more. I know...
all: That's right!
D-Nice, make it sexy.
[soft R&B music playing]
- Ooh.
- Oh, this is the--
this one was number one.
This is--I like this one.
Yeah. This was number one.
- This is my best one.
- Yeah, I like this one.
♪ ♪
♪ Curses, spells,
and seances ♪
♪ Nowhere, uh ♪
♪ My good sis called on God
with a prayer ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Saw it fly by ♪
♪ I flicked my wand, yeah ♪
♪ Thank me for Ciara
and Russell Wilson, yeah ♪
♪ If you like that,
you gon' like this battle ♪
all: ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I'ma give you something
that's more better, yeah ♪
♪ Look at me, baby,
'cause I'm better ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I just won this Curzuz
'cause I'm better ♪
all: Yeah!
[cheers and applause]
This has been "Curzuz."
I'll see you next time
on the Sorcerer Awards.
♪ ♪
[Doechii's "I Told Em"]
♪ We told 'em we was kings,
we showed 'em the machine ♪
♪ I been gave 'em the keys,
I been flew overseas ♪
♪ I been knew I'm a queen,
I been knew I was free ♪
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em,
I told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ I been whippin' the rolls,
I been bookin' the shows ♪
♪ I been takin' the hoes,
they been calling me doe ♪
♪ I been pickin' the clothes,
I been knew I was gold ♪
♪ I told 'em,
I told 'em, I told 'em ♪
♪ Holla, ooh ♪
♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ What you told 'em ♪
♪ The funk don't matter
if it's not cross chatter ♪
♪ If the Black Lives Matter
I would know ♪
♪ What you told 'em,
what you told 'em, goddamn ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I would know,
what you told 'em ♪
♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪
[upbeat percussive music]
[elephant trumpeting]
Welcome
to "Black Table Talk,"
the only place
on the "Hworld Hwite Web"
where we can have
an honest conversation
about the systematic destruction
of Black culture.
I'm your host,
Dr. Haddassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD,
and today, my guest is--
Yeah, no, I'm not doing this.
[laughs] Nope.
You can take my name
right off of the lower third.
Oh, Colman Domingo.
I like the aggression, my king.
Laying down the law
from the beginning.
I like it. Welcome to the show.
No need to welcome me.
You tricked me into being here.
You said it was gonna be
a sit-down interview
with Oprah.
- Yes, I did say that.
- Yeah, you lied to me.
- No.
- "No."
- You misheard me.
- Did I?
See, see, see,
I said it's gonna be
a sit-down interview...
- With?
- Dr. Haddassah Olayinka
Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
- Not at all.
- They sound alike.
Nope, not in any world
do they sound alike.
Agree to disagree.
Well, you're superglued
to the chair,
so you can't leave now.
Today's topic: the desecration
of Black men in media.
I thought the topic
was acting for activists.
I don't see
Jesse Williams here.
- I'm a feminist.
- You're a what?
- A feminist.
- Hah!
- What's wrong with that?
- Hey!
You don't believe
in feminism?
Absolutely not!
Well, how--
how is that possible?
- You're a woman.
- I am a female!
What questions do you have
for me today?
- Mr. Colman Domingo.
- Yes.
Colman Domingo, you are on--
Why do you say my name
like that?
- Colman Domingo!
- Okay, wow! That's so much.
I don't know why it's so much. Anyway.
Colman Domingo!
Now, you play a drug dealer
on a hit HBO television series,
"Eu...
four-I-A."
No, absolutely not true,
and it's called "Euphoria."
Okay. I'm sorry, no, go ahead.
You have questions.
Now, "hwhy" do you think
this is the right way
to portray Black men
on television?
All those "hwite" people
watching?
[laughing]
I'm not playing a drug dealer.
He's not a drug dealer.
- He's a former addict.
- Ah!
And, uh, a sponsor
to the central character,
and he's really just offering
a bit of light
and humanity to the show.
You're also in another movie
called "The Color Purple."
Now, what do you have against
the colors red, black,
and green?
Nothing. I don't have
any problems with those--
Now, you starred in a movie
called "Candyman."
Yes.
Why you so obsessed
with Black people
getting stung by bees, Colman?
[laughs] Okay, I get it.
I think I see.
- This isn't funny, Colman!
- You're insane. I get it.
Oh, wow, Colman.
You know what's insane?
Black on Hook violence.
Now, Colman Domingo, I see here
that you are an Afro-Latino.
Where is Afro-Latinia?
It's not a country.
- Tu hablas español?
- Maybe.
Sí, sí, sí.
Now, that one was in Spanish.
Mr. Colman Domingo,
you recently won an Emmy award.
I did. Thank you so much.
Now, why would you name that
after a young "hwite" woman?
Why do you hit that H
so hard?
- You say it.
- White.
"Hwite."
You have a--what is
a Tony Award nomination?
What does that even mean?
That--uh,
that's for my work onstage,
and it was for a show
called "The Scottsboro Boys,"
'cause I'm
a song and dance man.
A "hwat"?
Oh, God, I know
what you're gonna say.
You know the only song
I know, Colman?
What?
♪ Wade ♪
♪ In the water ♪
That's a dirge.
You know that, right?
♪ Wade ♪
♪ In the water ♪
both: ♪ Children, wade ♪
♪ In the water ♪
♪ God's gonna trouble ♪
♪ The water ♪
Colman, that was
a beautiful moment.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, you were in
something called
"Ma Rainey's Black Bottom"?
Do you even watch
any of this stuff?
- Not a one.
- Of course you don't.
So you're just reading titles
off that card.
I'm not reading.
These are pictures.
- Do you read?
- Why would I do that?
Well, let me help you.
You should see other shows
because you will realize
that we're not trying
to destroy Black culture,
you know?
What you're doing is devaluing
all these incredible artists
that have made such an impact, okay?
All right, just because
we have, you know,
"The Color Purple"
in the title.
- Huh!
- Or the phrase "Black Bottom."
- Hah!
- The--you'll see that
if we didn't do these things,
we would have
no representation.
If we have no representation,
then our legacies
would just be wiped out.
[uplifting music]
Maybe you're right.
♪ ♪
Thank you.
Thank you, my king.
Oh, you're very welcome.
Yes, you have taught me
so much today.
You're welcome, sis.
I just have
one final question for you.
Okay.
What is
"If Beale Street Could Talk"?
Why would you have a historic
Black street talkin'?
Isn't it bad enough
that "hwite" people
are trampling all over it
every day?
The ducks coming out
to that hotel,
waddlin' on it?
Duck, Duck, Goose,
guess who's an idiot.
Black people!
Can you tweet this
to your followers on Tic Tac?
- You have Instagram?
- A "hwat"?
IG. Do you have Facebook?
Why would I put my face
on a book?
Well, do you have Myspace?
Are you talking about
BlackPlanet?
Well, where is this airing?
- This?
- Yes.
It doesn't.
That's all the time we have
for "Black Table Talk."
[elephant trumpeting]
[panther snarling]
[soft music]
Karlie Chanel
is a motivationalist,
inspirationalist,
published author
on Pinterest-alist,
the rainbow
after the brainstorm.
TV executives,
please welcome...
Ms. Karlie Chanel!
[scattered applause]
[laughs]
Did she just introduce
herself?
She's been standing
behind the curtain
the whole goddamn time
like this is a magic show.
Get ready, networks,
because I, Karlie Chanel,
am here to offer up
my goddess-given gifts
in the form of TV bliss.
[laughs]
America is suffering.
I'm suffering.
People are spending
47 hours a day
doomscrolling and dying
under weighted blankets.
But to quote my extended
relative, Pocahontas,
the life that
they're looking for...
[mimicking echo] For...
is "just around the riverbend."
So I present to you, TV-EOs,
"Crossing Streams
with Karlie Chanel."
That reminds me,
I need to get
my prostate checked.
I can hear you.
I thought I did that
last night.
Oh, girl, you did.
- [both chuckling]
- Did I do a good job?
You got up in there.
I'm like--
"Crossing Streams"
is 42 minutes
of monologues,
cooking segments,
and--[screaming]
Oh.
Primal screaming
that'll have you
falling in love
with your destiny's
inner child.
Can I get a "CB-Yes" from CBS?
- Oh, God.
- Huh?
Are you ready
to dream the stream?
CBS doesn't dream.
We keep one eye open.
No deal.
I'll see you in the car.
Mm. Get the little--
NBC, do you "NB-See"
what I'm sayin'?
I'll bring the "law,"
you bring the multi-series
"order"!
♪ The more you ♪
No.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
B-b-but wait!
There's more!
Where are you all going?
I'll give you
an eight-figure deal
on the spot,
my little mint foolep.
[gasping]
But it comes at a price.
[demonic voice] Your soul.
- Oh, no. Not you again.
- Yes.
I've already delivered
666 Karliebelle souls to hell!
I can give you three
primetime specials.
Might as well rename yourself Lizzo,
'cause all that cash
is gonna feel good as hell.
If I wanted to make
a deal with the devil,
I would just win
"American Idol."
And you would know that
if you ever read
my self-published e-book
entitled,
"To Make a Deal with the Devil,
Win 'American Idol.'"
I'm talking
international distribution,
my little honey-baked hot comb.
You'll be more worldwide
than Pitbull,
and not the ones white women
adopt and put in tutus.
Wait.
I could be an international
inspirational motivationalist?
Oh, so far, the only borders
that I've reached
are the closed bookstores.
Yes. It's so sad,
if you think about it.
But with my help, people won't
call you "Noprah Losefrey."
I'll have a deal
that'll gas you up!
[banjo music]
Ah, well, look who it is.
My old rival, gas station TV.
You know, with all these
electric vehicles,
I thought you'd gone
the way of Quibi.
Dead.
[laughs] Hardly.
Just like racism,
we'll be here forever.
- I hate that for us.
- Ms. Chanel,
if you sign with
Two Pumps and a Bump TV,
you will be the face
of our network.
That means everyone everywhere
will think of you
when they pass gas.
Stations.
Gas stations.
Thinkin' of you.
The--passing gas stations.
Why would I want that?
[laughs]
As I said in my blog post,
"How to Retain Hot Air:
Flatulence,
It Is A Sign of Weakness,"
you want to associate
your brand with class,
not gas.
Ha! Looks like I've won,
Gaseous Clay.
Hold on,
Evander Not-So-Holyfield.
Fortune is fleeting.
So if I sell you my soul,
you have to make me
a household name.
[laughs]
Fine.
But only 'cause you're sweet,
Stevia Wonder.
I'll not only make you famous.
I'll make sure you're
the only person in the world
with a talk show.
You'll have less competition
than the Food Network.
It is my eternity of yes!
Excellent.
Sign here.
Now, I normally have people
sign in blood,
but your blood type
is AB-Annoying.
Ah!
Congratulations,
people of Earth!
You get to revolve
around me now!
Aht-aht-aht.
Not so fast, butterbutts.
Huh?
I didn't say which planet.
Enjoy your little talk show...
[demonic voice] On Mars!
[laughing]
Uhh!
[laughter echoing]
[upbeat music]
What up, fam?
It's your girl
Cookie motherfuckin' Carusso
on my acting shit!
Yo, and you know me.
I'm famously famous
for playing the devil,
motherfuckers!
Ha-ha!
Yo, shout out to TMZ.
Y'all didn't catch me
at the airport earlier,
but you can catch me coppin'
free sushi and shit
at Nobu Maliboots!
I be gettin' real nigiri-ish
up in there, eh-eh!
Yo, one thing about me,
I don't get crazy at auditions,
you know what I'm sayin',
'cause I don' fuck with auditions.
I just show up, and boom!
It's a show. Ha!
Like right now,
y'all can't play me.
I know this is really
a episode of "Hot Ones."
Bring the wings!
Here's your wings,
'cause you so fly.
All right, Margarita.
This bitch is always trying
to convince folks
she on "Hot Ones,"
but that's just
her regular lunch.
[coughing]
Oh, shit!
Ah!
What is this,
the motherfuckin' ten?
- It's just garlic parmesan.
- Goddamn!
Shit!
[coughing]
♪ ♪
[uplifting music]
- Good job, runners!
- Good, good, good, good, good!
There you go, there you go!
Uh-huh! Yeah!
Look at y'all out here running
like some Kenyans!
- Yes!
- [laughing]
Love to see it!
[clears throat]
More like some Preten-yans.
- [both laughing]
- And I should know,
because I am Deena Daleedah,
the Speed Walkin' Diva,
1979 champ, what you say!
Oh, I didn't say anything,
Miss Daleedah,
but it's such an honor
to stand next to a winner.
I'm always runner up.
Ooh, runner?
Oh, no, no, now, Marta, please.
I don't do no running, honey.
No, no, no, see, I--I sashay.
[laughs]
You got it, runners!
When I run, my knees sound
like Savion Glover tap dancing.
[imitating tap dancing] Ow! Ow!
That sounds really painful.
- Oh! Want some water?
- Deena, look.
- Mm.
- Let me give you the rundown.
Oh, I don't do no runnin'!
Go on, give me a,
"What you say!"
What you say!
Can we not do this this year?
I'm exhausted.
I was up all night catfishing
my husband's mistress.
I'm so sorry
about your broken home,
but have you ever broken
a record
keeping straight legs
at a moderately fast pace
to claim--
Claim all glory.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You tell more lies than my
husband in couples counseling.
- Always running your mouth.
- Hey, hey!
I don't do no runnin'.
You do know that it takes
more muscles
to walk than to run.
Did you know that? Huh?
Can I get a "what you say"?
What you say!
Okay, hand me a synthetic wig,
'cause I love being
the Anderson Paak
to your Bruno Mars.
[both laughing]
[laughs mockingly]
Dang, Marta.
What are you,
Skechers Shape-Ups?
Always making me look bad.
Deena, why don't you just
sign up, pay the goddamn fee,
and run if you're so good?
Deena Daleedah
don't do no runnin', okay?
You want me out here
sweatin' my edges out, huh?
Nips gettin' chafed
and bending my knees?
- For what?
- You say!
Oh, oh.
If it isn't Little Miss Althea.
I need water.
Just water, Deena.
Don't give me no shit.
Uh... oh.
Mm. [chuckles]
You sure you just want water, huh?
Come on, Harriet Tubman.
Just give me my--
Mm!
- I'm not playing with you.
- Mm-hmm. You sure?
- I'm not playing with you.
- Did you come over here
- just to get water?
- Come--give me my water.
Just to get--just to get--
just to get--
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Whoo! There it is.
You sure you here
for just some water?
Hmm? Hmm? Did you come here
my speedwalking medal?
That's what you did.
You know
Deena's got more fans
than a Southern church
in the summer.
- Whoo!
- Ah!
- What you say!
- What you say!
- Ha!
- It's a medal!
I say
it's a participation medal.
Oh. Ooh, that's what you say?
Every year, you out here
"what you saying"
us real athletes to death
while you Cha Cha Slide
on the side.
Ooh! Hey!
Speedwalking is way harder
than the Cha Cha Slide.
So take it back now, y'all!
- [grunts]
- Look at her.
She don't look like
she never won nothing.
- You ain't either!
- Uh, hello.
That medal says
you just tried.
[both gasping]
Ooh!
[laughing]
Oh, you want to see
the diva in action.
- Mm-hmm.
- No.
I want to see the diva
make some traction.
I'm out.
I'm going to set
my husband's car on fire.
Go, girl!
You know what would make me
feel good?
Huh?
You actually running.
Oh, don't you worry
your little pretty self, okay?
I'm going to take it easy
on you, Miss Althea Kibson--
yeah, one letter away
from greatness!
- Oh, oh! [laughs]
- [laughs]
Eat my dust!
Oh, no, you...
Get it, Deena!
[muffled cheering]
You're like a cheetah!
[uplifting music]
[in slow motion]
What you say, Deena!
♪ ♪
Go, Deena!
♪ ♪
What you say!
Ooh! Ooh!
I told y'all!
Well, good for you.
Yet again, you just tried.
[laughs]
We both literally came in last.
What you say!
♪ ♪
[light music]
[screaming, coughing]
Yo, Margarita,
you motherfuckin' bitch!
You did this to me!
I didn't do anything!
Ah!
My name is Margo.
She's been calling me Margarita
for years.
Ah!
Yo, I swear to God,
I should've left your ass
in the gutter at Harvard
where I found your ass.
I went to Howard.
Ahh...
ah!
Ahh!
See, there was hot sauce
in my hand,
and it went in my eye and shit!
Okay, I'ma lick it off.
[screams]
Had a cut on my tongue!
Shit! Oh, God.
Ah, now it's in my wig!
Goddamn it!
- You want some milk?
- I gotta fin--no!
Get that white shit
out of here!
I don't drink no white shit.
♪ ♪
Ugh, Mom,
this wedding is so expensive,
I promise you, it's about to go
from black-tie optional
to food optional.
Janaya, I told you to make it
BYOB: bring your own buffet.
- You did.
- You know what?
I think it's time to give you
something that
my mother gave me.
The sickle-cell trait?
Yes.
But also this.
[gasps]
[angelic choir singing]
Your restaurant napkins?
[laughs]
N-no, I can't take these.
Mom, I'm...
I'm not ready.
Oh, sweetheart,
you're more than ready.
This is a family tradition
spanning back
to when your great-grandmother
was the first Black woman
to be seated at
the whites-only White Castle.
Ooh!
I should use these napkins
for my reception.
[gasps] Ooh!
Or I should sell them
to pay for my "Making the Band"
cover band!
[ominous music]
- Ah!
- Child, are you damaged?
These napkins are
for emergencies.
Lap picnics, boob sweat,
if you spill in your car--
and only in your car!
Okay.
You understand me?
I have absorbed
everything you've said, Mom.
[laughs]
Well...
there's something else
I want to share with you.
Aw.
I wanted to wait
to give it to you
until you foreclosed
on your first house,
but I think you're ready.
Okay.
You know what this is.
- [laughs]
- [gasps]
No.
[angelic choir singing]
Mom, come on. I can't take it.
A remote control with no back?
[gasps]
Twisty ties!
Peppermints.
[gasps] A black coin.
It could be a dime.
It could be a penny.
This is the cornerstone of
every Black woman's household.
But now it belongs to you.
Oh!
No, Mom.
An unscratched scratch-off
from 1994?
I could never be as good
a wife and mother as you.
You won't. [chuckles]
But you'll get close.
[laughs]
Let me get you a plastic bag
so you can put
your heirlooms in it.
[clears throat]
[suspenseful music]
Where in the Sheryl Lee
are my Ralphs bags?
Where are my multicolor array
of crumpled plastic bags?
Maybe they just went out
to get some air.
Let me get a napkin.
Oh, no, I'm not in the car.
Mom, look at me.
I...
donated your plastic bags.
[ominous music]
"Donated"?
"Donated"?
You donate blood, money, food.
Your edges.
But plastic bags,
we keep forever!
Technically,
we do keep them forever.
A plastic's life cycle is--
is longer than
a Georgia voting line.
Why?
18 years of free storage, gone!
Oh!
How am I going to store
my tax receipts?
I bought you the scanner
last Christmas.
Where am I gonna put the hair
when I take my braids out?
Mom, you haven't worn braids
since 2008.
- Mind your business.
- Okay.
- How am I gonna move?
- Boxes.
And when it's cold outside,
how do I insulate my feet?
How do I protect my hand
when I fix the toilet?
[whispering] Call a plumber.
How do I season my chicken?
[sighing] Oh,
I didn't think that through.
And how do I protect
my bump and curl when it rains?
With an umbrella,
just like Mary Poppins.
Don't you sass me!
Yes--yes, ma'am.
You know how many things
I use them plastic bags for?
Stuff I can't even
tell you about.
Okay, come here. Come here.
Come on, sit down. Sit down.
- [sobbing]
- Ooh, okay.
And how are
my future grandbabies
going to trick or treat?
You have ruined my legacy!
Listen,
we can get canvas bags--
You shut
your recycling-ass mouth!
- Okay.
- [gasping]
Until you do right by my bags!
[knocking]
Hello, is anybody home?
Help!
- Hey, how you doing? Hi.
- Yeah, hi.
- Can I help you? Oh.
- Nice house.
- Hello. Hi. Um...
- Excuse me.
Hey, I'm Marquita
with the Sierra Club.
I have this $50,000 check
for you.
[shrieking] Oh, my gosh!
Ciara the singer,
she's gonna pay for my wedding!
Not that Ciara.
S-I-E, not C-I-A.
- Give it back.
- Who the fuck is that?
Uh... uh, is Christine here?
Christine!
Did you find my bags?
Actually, thanks to your
recent donation
of 4,000 plastic bags,
we didn't find them
inside of a whale's stomach,
so, uh, we'd like to award you, Christine,
with this $50,000 check.
Christine--
You can keep that $50,000
and stuff it up your ass!
What did you just say?
I'll kill 4,000 whales
to get my bags back!
[screaming, gasping]
Oh, my God, lady. Wow!
I don't know what's worse!
Not having my bags
or not having
a daughter anymore!
Open the door!
Sorry. Uh--whoa.
Where are you going, Ma?
You live here.
[door slams]
Mama, no!
[crying] Mama, I need you...
to pay for my wedding!
[dramatic music]
What is the name
of the show that I'm on?
- "Euthanasia."
- It is--no.
No, that's something
totally different.
"Unification."
Okay, HBO has a show
called "Euphoria."
- They do?
- Yes.
[laughing] And that's the show
that I'm on.
Who's that central character
on the show?
Zendaya.
Oh, a dark-skinned sister.
I love her.
She's not really
dark-skinned, actually.
Same color as me.
- Yeah.
- Very dark.
It's hard out here for us, Colman.
- [laughing] I can't.
- You don't realize
what it's like to be
a brown-skinned woman today.
[quirky music]
How do you find inspiration
for your characters?
How do you find inspiration
for yours?
I'm not a character.
- This--
- This?
- Natural.
- Really?
- Came out the womb.
- Okay.
Blonde as
the continent is Black.
Colman Domingo,
I'm just saying,
I wrote a one-woman show
for Broadway.
It is called "Pre-PhD,"
based on a novel by Sapphire.
When I was born,
the doctor slapped my butt,
and I said, "Hah!"
- I know Oprah.
- Oh, wow.
Now you're gonna throw it
in my face.
I'm not throwing it
in your face--I'm not--
Throwing it in my face
because you know famous people.
- I'm not using--
- What is she like?
"All my life, I had to fight."
Perfect!
- "I have to--"
- Great.
- I'm not finished.
- That's--oh, I'm sorry.
I thought we were--
I was trying to give you a...
"I had to fight my brothers,
my uncles..."
"Un-cahs"?
[both laughing]
[bright tone]