A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

An angry customer attempts to return a copy of Jane Eyre to the bookshop where he purchased it, his reason - 'it's complete balls'. Once again it's time to mix another cocktail at the piano...

Help you?

Did you write this?

Jane Eyre. No, that
was Charlotte Bront?.

Right. Well, I'd like to
speak to her then, please.

Well...

I'm afraid... I'm afraid
she's no longer with us.

Oh. Well, I can't
say I'm surprised.

Did she leave some kind of forwarding
address? Where can I get in touch with her?

No. No, I meant no longer
with us in the sense of dead.

- Dead?
- Quite dead. Yes.

Oh, I see. And when
did she die exactly?



Erm, 1855, I think
I'm right in saying.

1855?

Oh, let me see, that's what,
five minutes to seven, isn't it?

No, no.

No. 1855 in the sense
of the year 1855.

- Oh. Oh.
- Was there some problem?

Well, you'll have to do, I suppose,
since you sold me the thing.

I want my money back.

Well, do you mind me asking why?

I'll tell you why. Because it's balls,
that's why.

It's complete balls!

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to disagree with you there.

Oh, are you? Well, just let
me... Just listen to this.

Hm, hm... Er, er...



Oh, yes. Here, here. "I
mounted into the window seat,

"gathering up my feet, I sat
cross-legged, like a Turk."

I mean, it's just
complete balls.

- Balls in what sense?
- Balls in the sense of balls.

I mean, what window seat?
This is the first page.

She's never mentioned
a window seat before.

And what Turk? Have you ever
seen a Turk mount a window seat?

It's complete balls.

Well, erm, I think you're
supposed to imagine it.

Oh! Oh, really? All right, then. All right.
Well... Then how about this bit here?

Oh, yes, here we
are. Yes, chapter 38.

"Reader...

"Reader, I married him." Hmm?

Well, if that isn't balls, kindly
fax me an explanation of what is.

Hmm? What reader? Or, are you supposed
to imagine this reader as well, are you?

No, no, that's you. It's addressed
to you, the reader of the book.

Oh, balls!

She couldn't know me. You just told
me the stupid tart died in 1855.

Well, not you specifically, but whoever
happens to be reading the book at the time.

Jane Eyre is telling you that
she's married Mr Rochester.

Jane Eyre's a made-up character!

- She doesn't even exist.
- No, but she writes the story.

- She is the "I" of the story.
- Oh, make your frigging mind up.

You just told me Charlotte
Bront? wrote the blasted story.

Well... Well, yes,
she did, but...

Well, you're obviously as confused
as I am. The whole thing is just

balls from start to finish

and I want my money back.

Hmm? Give me something,
please, to read

that doesn't go on about window
seats I've never heard of,

and doesn't have some dead bitch
calling you "Reader" all the time.

All right. Erm...

Well, what about this? This
is proving very popular.

Hmm? What is it?

This is The Invalid by
Myra Penworthy Fennerweave.

- Any good?
- Excellent.

Right. Hmm.

"Talbot entered the room
in a feverish haste,

"bearing his precious cargo
before him like a votive offering.

"Elizabeth lay back on her
bed, her face pale and pinched.

"'Richard, is that
you?' she moaned."

Oh, this is just complete balls!

Bally baldy, baldy bally, bally,
bally, balls, balls, balls!

It's not, actually. That is true.
Every single word of that happened.

Oh, double balls and bollocks!

Richard, is that you?

- Darling Elizabeth.
- Oh, Richard.

- I knew you would come.
- I, too, Elizabeth.

I, too, knew that I would come.

Richard, I am far from well.

- Far, far from well.
- Elizabeth, I bring soup.

I bring warm nourishing soup, fitter
the better to make you more well with.

Richard, you are so
kind, so very kind.

Let me help you to a little
of this soup, Elizabeth.

I shall pour it so, into
this small dish or saucer.

Can you, Elizabeth, can you bring this
small dish or saucer of soup to your lips?

Richard, I am trying to bring this
small dish or saucer of soup to my lips.

But the effort exhausts me.

Let me, Elizabeth, let me bring
this small dish or saucer of soup

to your lips in this manner.

Cradling your neck thus and introducing
the soup as gently as I may know how.

So kind, Richard.

- So!
- Henry.

- Talbot?
- Elizabeth.

As soon as news reached me
that you were in a decline,

I drove from Hampshire like a
man with a devil hot at his heels

to bring you some broth.

Broth? Huh! Cannot you see
that this lady is ill, sir?

I am helping her to a small
dish or saucer of soup.

She cannot be doing with broths.

Soup!

You dare to presume upon
a sick girl with soup?

Elizabeth, I cannot recommend that you
endanger your delicate constitution

with coarse, peasant broths.

Peasant? This broth is refined
from purest lamb's liver.

Lamb's liver, is that all?

All? The devil fly away with your
impudence. Of course, it is not all.

The brains of seven young guinea fowl
are delicately sieved through muslin

and left to set on
a jelly of ox blood.

Gentlemen, please.

Aye, and left to sit in too warm
a kitchen, too, I'll warrant.

Thus curdling the whole into a
mess unfit for an ailing lady.

By no means, left to
set in a chilled larder.

The comminuted stock
of fried bull's penis

is then folded in
on a gentle heat

and thinned with pig's
urine and goat sweat.

Imparting a delicacy of flavour
and a rich sustaining body

that no thin, dandified soup
could ever hope to attain.

"Thin dandified soup?"

By God, you'll pay for that
insolence before this day is out, Talbot.

This soup is reconstituted from
a stock of boiled horse's rectum

and thickened with German vomit.

That is all very well, my fine young sir,
but the proof of the soup...

is in the supping.

Then sup on this,
Talbot, and weep.

If you can bear to be humbled,
then taste the broth of paradise.

- Mmm. Excellent.
- Not bad at all.

The recipe for both these dishes,
Henry's broth and Richard's soup,

is available on
Ceefax, page 627.

In the meantime, I'm going to have to
decide which of these two to have sex with.

Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, yes, my boyfriend's a
real DIY enthusiast, DIY mad.

He's decorated the whole room and
he's put up all these bookshelves,

and now he's writing all
these books to put on them.

We used to have three bingo
halls in this part of town.

They're all bloody cinemas now.

What is the world coming to?

Yeah, I like tricks.

I do a lot of tricks
on the kids' birthdays.

I did this one last year. I
made them all stand in the hall

and I went out, closed the
door, and I haven't been back.

Yes, I think on balance, I
probably am a bit unbalanced.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm extremely lucky

to have been born physically
healthy, physically whole.

You know, I've got... I've got two
eyes, two arms, two legs, four nipples.

And, you know, I'm physically normal and
I give thanks for that every single day.

But I do have a mental problem.

I suffer from what psychiatrists
call a split personality.

No, I don't.

I've had this problem
for some time now.

No, I haven't.

But, recently, it
has got much worse.

How can it get worse,
if it was never there?

My psychiatrist... God,
what a fraud he is.

Suggested that I give my other personality
a name, so I've called him Anthony.

Yes, what do you want?

Now, Anthony is...
Anthony is not like me.

You can say that again.

Anthony likes, well, you know,
different books, films, music.

He likes double pleats on his
trousers, when I prefer single.

And if it were down to him,
he would drive a Citro?n GX.

They happen to be extremely
stylish motorcars.

But possibly Anthony's
biggest problem

is that he suffers from
a split personality.

No, I bloody don't!

Anthony's other half, as it
were, is called Nathaniel,

and he claims to be Welsh.

What do you mean claim?
I bloody am Welsh.

I just don't happen to live
there at the moment, that's all.

The game of Bushwallyta,
or Dragon Foot,

is thought by many to have evolved
from the earlier Kanwaniwani Games

of the central Himalayas.

To the casual observer,
this may actually seem

like an ordinary Kanwaniwani
stalemate position.

But Bushwallyta has many
important differences.

Rantors are used instead of bitomys and
the scoring system is also quite different.

What you're seeing now
is a third round replay

between two of the giants
of modern Bushwallyta.

To the left of us, the Hungry
Wolf, undefeated this season,

and opposite him,
Katwan the Optimistic.

At this point, the
score is still nine all.

And as they ready to brace
themselves for a full bintwendo,

Hungry Wolf really does ask a lot
of questions of his opponents.

Only one more respoty-spot allowed
before a double fifth is declared.

Looking very mean,
very concentrated.

Extraordinary tactical player, the
Hungry Wolf. Very hard to predict.

Not giving anything away.

Beryayina!

And we have a full beryayina.

And, as you can see, the object
of the game is to see which player

can make a workable picnic chair out
of whatever materials are available.

In this case, of
course, with grass.

Looks as if the Hungry
Wolf has done it. Yes.

Extraordinary speed. He's
managed, and is ready to sit.

Yes. And again...

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Katwan the Optimistic managing...

...not even a steam iron, only
a flat iron on this occasion.

So once more, the
Hungry Wolf, victorious.

Hard to imagine who could
defeat him this season.

As he takes the styling
comb, and generous applause.

A remarkable champion.

And next week we'll be in Chile
for the Afwafada Spithade Games.

I gotta ask you something.

Go ahead.

- Are you sleeping with my wife?
- What?

- I said, are you...?
- I heard what you said.

- So, you gonna...
- What the hell kind of a question is that?

Are you sleeping with my
wife? You gonna answer?

Hell, no.

- Hell, no?
- Hell, no. It's a dumb question.

"Are you sleeping with my
wife?" is a dumb question?

You're damn right.

- So?
- So what?

- So, are you sleeping with my...?
- Don't ask me that.

Don't ask me that dumb question.

- That means yes.
- What the hell means yes?

"Don't ask me that dumb question" means
yes? What the hell's the matter with you?

You haven't answered my question. I asked
you a question, you haven't answered it.

For Christ's sake, I'm sitting
here, I'm eating my dinner.

I'm eating my dinner, and you
start with these dumb questions.

- If you're sleeping with my wife...
- What?

- I'll kill you.
- What the hell you gonna do? You'll kill me.

- Yeah, I'll kill you.
- You'll kill your own brother?

- Yeah, I'll kill my own brother.
- Yeah, well, relax.

I ain't sleeping with your wife.

- You prove that?
- Prove what?

Can you prove you're not
sleeping with my wife?

How the hell am I... How the hell
am I gonna prove that to you, huh?

What would be nice, maybe, is if you
believe me when I tell you something,

instead of starting with
all these dumb questions.

- Okay.
- Okay what?

- Okay, I believe you.
- You believe me?

- Yeah.
- Well, thank you. I can eat my dinner now?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Are you sleeping with my sister?

- What?
- I said, are you sleeping with...?

No, no, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

- You're my brother, right?
- Right.

- So, your sister is my sister.
- What do you mean?

What do you mean,
"What do you mean?"

You're my brother, right? So
your sister is also my sister.

We have the same
sister, you and me.

So what?

So? So, Jesus, you're asking me if
I'm sleeping with my own sister?

- Are you?
- What?

What the hell kind of
a question is that?

Are you sleeping
with your sister?

What am I doing? What am I doing sitting
here, listening to all this bullshit, huh?

- You're eating spaghetti.
- Spaghetti bullshit.

Bolognese.

I come here... I come
here to eat my dinner,

- and I get all this bullshit, for what?
- Well, for...

You shut your mouth. Shut
your mouth, all right?

Sleeping with my
own sister, Jesus.

- Are you sleeping with my mother?
- That's it. One more word out of you...

- And what?
- You know what.

You and your dumb
bullshit questions.

Whose dumb bullshit questions?
I ask a question, that's all.

Hey, Mama. Come on,
you hear this, huh?

You hear all this
bullshit he's giving me?

What bullshit?

I ask a question is all.

Both of my boys, they just
adore new Ragazzo Sauce.

Are you sleeping
with my brother?

Well, I'm completely
mad. Utterly insane.

There's a whole gang of us. The
other day we went to the cinema.

Mad.

My nickname at school used to derive from
the fact that I play with myself a lot.

Yeah, we... I remember we
had this teacher at school.

She had... She had
very large breasts.

And we used to call her,
I'll never forget this,

we used to call her Mrs Wilson.

We used to hope that our eldest
son would become an engineer.

But sadly, he became
Minister for the Environment.

The pamphlet, which was about the
crisis in faith in the inner cities,

was distributed at
last year's synod.

It was called, if I remember
rightly, "Sit on my Faith."

Well, my next guest is
a most unusual musician.

He describes himself
as an aromusician.

To find out what that means, let's meet
the self-styled professor of fragrance,

Ottoman Nodge.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Good evening, Professor.

It's fantastic to be here.

Now, you have a version of Mozart's
Overture to The Marriage Of Figaro,

which you are going to
perform for us, I believe.

Yes, quite right. Yes, this
brilliant, fantastic piece,

that's so popular
for many, many years,

has been heard in many versions.

But never has before been
transposed for fragrances.

I see. Now, let me
get this straight.

You're going to do a version in
which smells replace musical notes.

You are shatting right that
is what I am going to do, yes.

My principle generally is this,

that I take the vetivers
and the wood barks

and the darker, woodier
tones for the minor key,

and the richer, fruitier
essences represent the major key.

Well, that's enough talk. First of all,
let's hear a snatch of the original.

- Snatch?
- Snatch.

- You're sure, snatch?
- Quite sure, thank you.

Let's hear a snatch
of the original.

Well, thank you, Mozart.

Now for my version.

Of course, the great
disadvantage of my technique

is that I can only ever
perform to an audience of one.

So, this performance
is just for me.

That's right. I'm working,
however, however, however,

on the technique
to overcome this.

Now, we are in common
time. So, three, four.

Thank you. I now
choose to revive him

with my version of Take
me Home, Country Roads.

You're very kind. Thank you.

Right. So, right. And right.

So, er, Simon, I
think... Erm, right.

It's your choice, I think.

A consonant please, Carol.

Right, that's a "B".

Vowel.

"O".

Another consonant please, Carol.

That's "I".

And another consonant.

Another "I".

Vowel, please.

"O."

A consonant please, Carol.

"C".

Another consonant, please.

All right, that's an "S".

And another consonant
please, Carol.

And that's a "K".

All right, right. So... Right.

Right, your
countdown starts now.

Right, so, Simon.

- How did you get on?
- Just four, I'm afraid.

Four, just four.
Right, so, four.

And our champion,
Liz, how about you?

Four, as well.

Right. Four, too.
So, four each there.

Good "four" each of you.

Right. So, good. That's very
interesting. So, four each.

- What's your four? Simon first.
- "Lobs".

Lobs. So, lobs. Right.

Meaning lobs, I suppose.

Right, right. Well, let me
lob it over to you, eh, Liz.

Can I ask what you
got for your four?

"Look".

Look, look, look. Right, look.

I think we can allow that. No need to
look that one up in the dictionary.

So, what about our
guardian of the dictionary,

did you find anything better?

Well, now, as a celebrity, rather
than a member of the public,

I naturally did rather better,
and came up with "books" for five,

or "blocks" for six,

or there is an eight, actually.

An eight, eight. So, eight.

Well, that's a... Eight.
That's very exciting. Eight.

So, well, what's your eight?

"Sloblock".

Sloblock. So, sloblock. Right.

Sloblock.

And what does "sloblock"
mean, exactly?

Basically, a
sloblock means balls,

the things we keep
in our scrotums,

or by extension,
something that is rubbish

or a pile of nonsense.

"Oh, that's a load of
sloblock," you might say.

I see, right. Well, let's hope
no one calls this programme

a load of sloblock.

What's the difference...

All right, what's the difference
between a man and a woman?

No? Oh.

Excuse me, what's the difference
between a man and a woman?

No, me neither.

Yeah, we... We may be slow.

You know, but we're steady.
We get there in the end.

Oh, excuse me, madam. Does the name
Jack the Ripper mean anything to you?

"Well, there's no point going
at it half-cock," I said.

"Mind you," I said, "In your case, there's
not much point going at it full-cock."

Good heavens, Jack. Good Lord,
you gave me such a fright there.

Oh, there I was mending
the bloody old lawnmower.

And, well, in
actual fact it's...

It's not an old lawnmower,
it's quite a new lawnmower.

That's why it's so bloody
for having gone wrong.

- Hello, Neddy.
- Well, hello, Jack. Hello, Jack.

Sorry. I was wittering
there just now. Yeah,

so... Well, you know,
lawnmower's bust and...

Well, how are you, Jack?

I am well, thank you, Neddy.

Well? Oh, that is good news. Good,
good. Because, you know, here I was,

thinking the world was a
pretty bloody sort of a place,

you know, you could pay good money for
a lawnmower that doesn't even work.

And then, you know, you
tell me that you're well,

and suddenly things don't
seem to be so bad after all.

Sort of puts everything
in perspective.

- Neddy?
- Oh, Jack.

- I have a question to put to you.
- Oh, good.

I would be very grateful if you could
furnish me with an honest answer.

Furnish you, Jack? Yes, yes,
of course, I'll furnish you.

Yes, you ask away, and
leave the furnishing to me.

Good.

Yes, clever little toy,
that, isn't it, Jack? Yes.

It's called a Stanley
knife. It's...

It's a sort of knife made
by a fellow called Stanley.

First or second name, I'm not
sure, Jack. I could find out.

If you're interested, you know,
make some inquiries, as it were.

- Ingenious.
- Do you like it?

Well, for goodness' sake,
you keep it, old sport.

That's very kind of you, Neddy.

Oh, don't mention it, Jack. Yes,
plenty more where that came from.

- Neddy?
- Still here, Jack. Yes.

How would you like
to be Prime Minister?

- Well?
- Sort of a trick question, is it, Jack?

- Not at all, Neddy.
- "Not at all, Neddy".

Yeah, well, how would I
like to be Prime Minister?

Well, Jack, do you
fancy a cup of tea?

I could just pop in...

When you've furnished me with an answer,
Neddy,

a cup of tea would be most agreeable,
thank you.

Well, Prime Minister. Yes. Well, yes,
I expect it would be very enjoyable,

to be Prime Minister, Jack, yes.

You know, riding around in big motorcars,
policemen saluting you and all that.

Yes, I expect it would
be very interesting work.

You'd like to be Prime Minister?

Well, I expect there
are worse jobs.

And what about your wife?

No, I wouldn't like to be my wife,
Jack. No, no. That would be, well...

I mean, how would your wife take
to you being Prime Minister?

Well, I tell you what, Jack,
why don't I pop in and ask her.

I want your opinion, if
you don't mind, Neddy.

As you know, I represent
a group of people.

Yes, yes, I do know that, Jack. Yes.
Very fine people, too. I have no doubt.

A group of people who are
becoming increasingly concerned

at the direction in which
this country is going.

Right. Right, yes.

We feel that the current
Prime Minister won't do.

- Won't do?
- Won't do.

- Won't do what, Jack?
- Won't do, Neddy.

- Oh, I get you.
- Do you?

No.

We feel that a change is needed
if disaster is to be averted.

We want you to be the
next Prime Minister.

Crikey.

Well, Neddy, will
you do this for us?

Oh, Jack.

Well, first of all, let me
say that I am deeply touched,

deeply touched.

You know, but, Jack, there is
just... There is just one thing.

Can I tell you something, Jack?

- By all means, Neddy.
- Right, well, Jack.

You know, when I was at school, I used
to play cricket for the third eleven.

No bloody good, of course.

Used to go in at number eight.

Well, no, I went in at number seven
once when Proby had his appendix out.

But otherwise, you know,
well down the order.

Is this strictly
necessary and relevant?

Well, I think it is necessary and
relevant, Jack. Yes, yes, I think it is.

Well, you see, the point is
that we used to play this match,

this one match every year
against Trenton House.

A bit of a sort of needle match,
Jack, to be honest with you.

You know what boys are
like. Well, anyway...

This one year, they turned
up without an umpire.

And the captain told me to get
out there and call the shots.

And, well, the thing is, Jack,
you know, I couldn't do it.

What do you mean,
you couldn't do it?

Well, you know, Jack, the
responsibility, the decisions, you know.

"Howzat?" they would scream
in my face, you know.

And I just used to go into
the most dreadful funk.

Gave one chap out before
he'd even left the pavilion.

Well, what I'm really saying, Jack,
is that, you know, I'm a follower.

Not a leader, if you
know what I mean.

- Precisely, Neddy.
- Precisely, Jack, yes.

You are precisely
the person we need.

Oh, Lor.

So, will you do this
small thing for us?

Well, of course I'll do it,
Jack. Yes, good Lord, yes.

Anything for my old pal,
Jack. Yes.

Excellent. Congratulations, Neddy.
I know the country is in safe hands.

The House of Commons sat
in stunned silence today

as the Prime Minister, Mr John Major,
announced his intention to resign,

saying he wanted to spend more time with
his collection of miniature fire engines.

His successor, a Mr Neddy Muldoon
of Orchard Lane, St Neots,

has been elected unopposed by the
Parliamentary Conservative Party.

I say, Jack. Not a
bad turnout, is it?

Mr Muldoon!

Yes, over here. I'm Muldoon.

Mr Muldoon,
what is your position on Europe?

Do you see yourself
as a federalist?

Er, crikey.

Well, you know, federalist is as federalist
does. That's always been my watchword.

Does that mean you'll be
advocating the German model

in future discussions?

Er, Jack, a boy from Trenton House
is screaming "howzat" in my face.

I believe very strongly in the
notion of peace through strength.

Yes. So do I. You do what?

I believe in what
Jack just said.

Yes, peace through
strength. Very important. Yes.

And if it should
become necessary...

And if it should, at any
time, become necessary...

...to protect the interests
of this country...

...to protect, in a manner of speaking, the
interests, as it were, of this country...

...we will not hesitate
to invade Poland.

...we will not hesitate
to invade... Excuse me.

Er, Jack, you don't you think that's
pitching it a bit strong, do you?

- It's what we agreed.
- We?

Your supporters,
Neddy. We agreed.

But, Jack... Oh, hello, you've
still got that knife I gave you.

It's doing all
right, is it? Useful?

Very useful. Thank you, Neddy.

Mr Muldoon, did you say that you
were prepared to invade somewhere?

Oh, no, no, no. Just a
silly misunderstanding, no.

What I always suggest in situations like
this is that you sit round the table...

Well,
it doesn't have to be a round table,

you could sit along
the side of a long table.

And just have a bit of an
old chat and a head scratch.

- Oh, Jack.
- Yes, Neddy?

Someone's just gone
and stuck a knife in me.

Officer!

The police are after
them now, Neddy.

Are you all right?

- Jack.
- Yes, Neddy?

I want you to have my lawnmower.

Well, that seems to be
about it for this week.

That's right. Sadly, there
isn't even enough time left...

For you to finish that sentence.

- So, it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from me.

- And it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from me.

And it's good night from me.

We're going to leave you with
tonight's cocktail recipe.

And tonight, it's beef goulash.

For this, you will
need a microwave oven

and a frozen packet
of beef goulash.

Please, Mr Music, will you play.

Dinner is served.

- Soupy twist.
- Soupy twist.