A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 3 - Episode #3.3 - full transcript

A customer in a shoe shop is surprised to learn that the shoes are not for sale, but actually available for pleasures of the flesh, he is eventually tempted by Fredericka the moccasin. ...

Hello, we haven't met. Terry Swale. My
wife tells me you're new to Yorkshire.

Yes, that's right. I'm a bit
of a southerner, I'm afraid.

Whoops. Can't have that.

No, no. But my wife's family's
from Sheriff Hutton, though.

Ah, well, there's some
hope for you then, eh?

I must say everyone
seems very friendly.

Well, you know, it's not all
cloth-caps and whippets up here.

We have heard of avocados and
hot and cold running water.

Hot and cold running
water, that's priceless.

- So, you live...
- Boroughbridge way.

Ah, lovely.



We got the Moors
handy and the Dales.

You know, in 10 minutes we can be in
York, Ripon, Harrogate. We like it.

Mmm. Lots of good air and
lovely walks, I should imagine.

- Yes, we have all got cars, you know.
- Well, naturally.

It's not all fell-walking
and climbing boots.

No.

You should see some of the traffic
we get in Thirsk and Harrogate.

- Really?
- Mmm.

The pollution in Leeds can rival anything
you've got down south, we'd like to think.

Yes it can sometimes take me two hours
to get to work there's so many cars

Yes, that can be terrible. God,
I remember when I was in London,

I used to have to get
everywhere by bicycle.

Can't move for bicycles in Ripon.
Worst bicycle jams in Europe.

Oh, really? Hmm.



Still, the point is, it's the
quality of life, isn't it?

It's a place to bring up your kids in.
Less of the seamier side of everything.

We have heard of sex
and violence, you know.

We like to think that there are more
drug-related muggings, beatings and rapings

in the vale of York than
anywhere outside Washington, DC.

- See that woman over there?
- Yes.

Sally Oldcastle. Runs the biggest crack
kitchen in the Northern Hemisphere.

And what's more,
she's not stuck up.

So, really,
it's much the same as London, then?

You said it, pal.

Anything you've got down south we've got
more of at the Arndale centre in Ripon.

And it's cheaper, and more
expensive, and you can't park.

Hmm, I see. Right.

Well, I must be on my way. I think
I'll just translocate myself home.

- What?
- I'll just translocate myself home

with this personal
translocation podule.

What the hell's that, then?

Well, it's much the same as a
domestic translocation podule

except you can wear it on your wrist.
That's the only difference, really.

Yeah, what does it do?

Well, I just punch in the
coordinates of where I want to go

and my molecular structure disintegrates
and reassembles in my chosen destination.

Hang on, hang on.

- Wait, you mean like Star Trek?
- What?

You mean, you go all
wobbly and disappear?

- My God!
- What?

You mean, you haven't
come across these?

Oh, they're all the
rage down south.

Oh, yes. My daughter bought me
this at a petrol station, actually.

It's just a Sinclair version. You
should see some of the Japanese ones.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If you've all got them things, what
do you need petrol stations for?

Everlasting life.

You must have heard that.

Oh, yes. They discovered it a
couple of years ago in Southampton.

If you drink a couple of pints
of petrol, you live forever.

- Oh, yeah, we've heard of that. Oh, yeah.
- Have you?

Oh, we drink petrol up here. Live
forever, we do. Yeah, sometimes longer.

Oh, I should hope so. I'm just
amazed you haven't heard of these.

- Who said we haven't heard of them?
- Well, it's just...

Bloody designed and built up
here, them things, you know.

Oh, yeah, we've
had them for years.

- They've come and gone, as a matter of fact.
- Have they?

Oh, yeah. It was a
craze for a while.

No, I'm just surprised to see
someone still using one of them.

It's been bloody years
since I've seen one of them.

Oh, would you like a go at
mine for old times' sake, then?

Er, no, thanks very much, no.

I had a couple of
drinks, you know.

Don't wanna get pulled over by the law
when your molecules are all over the place.

Right. Well, I best
be on my way, then.

Still, nice to see
you. Come on, boy.

What are those, then?

Cloth-cap and whippet. They're
all the rage down south.

There was a pneumatic drill outside
our house all night last night.

Fortunately, it
wasn't turned on.

"Love thy neighbour
as thyself," I said.

"Surely, surely that's not
too difficult a commandment."

"Ah, well," he said, that's
all very well for you to say.

"But you don't live next door to
Esther Rantzen and Desmond Wilcox."

Er, no, I don't mind
being interviewed, no.

European federalism?

You got any other questions?

- Hello.
- Certainly.

Well, as you can see,

we've had lots of letters, erm,

in response to our name quest.

Yes, we know that most
of you out there have

met people with amusing
or unusual names.

And so we asked you to send in and
write and tell us what names they were.

Yes, and what corkers you've
sent us. Thanks so much.

Yes, I've, for instance,
got a letter here.

"Dear Mr Fry and Laurie,

"There is a man who comes to
wash my windows once a month

"whose name is Jervillian Swike.

"It always makes me
laugh a great deal."

That was sent in by Mr Suckmaster
Burstingfoam of Ipswich.

This is an absolute
favourite of mine here.

"Dear A Bit of Fry & Laurie, I was at
school with a boy called Donald Duck

"and later went out with a
woman named Soilia Piffin.

"Yours, Peter Cummin-Myear."

£5 on its way to
you, Mr Cummin-Myear.

Well, then here's another.

"Dear 'A Bit of Fry & Laurie',

"My wife's first husband
was called Simon Coggie.

"I still split my sides whenever
I hear that stupid name.

"Yours faithfully, Frigmy
Popplehate-Fresharse."

Well, absolutely tremendous
response all around.

Thanks so much to those of you
who sent these in. Meanwhile...

Big Ears to see Mother Goose.

Alan, my dear boy. Glad you could
make it. Shan't keep you a moment.

- No problem.
- Three or four buttons on the cuff, sir?

Oh, I'm not really sure.
What do you think, Alan?

- Three is plenty.
- You think?

The lighter the cuff,
the faster you move.

Four is normal nowadays, sir.

Hmm, well, tell you what. What about
three on the left, four on the right?

Very good, sir.

Now, I daresay you're
wondering why I asked you here.

Well, I assumed you
wanted a suit made.

Hmm. Alan,
do you know why I asked you here?

No.

You're an outsider, Alan.
That means I can trust you.

Excuse me, sir. Trousers?

Oh, yes, I think so. Got to have trousers.
Look a complete arse without trousers.

Yes, sir. Did you envisage
zip or button fly?

Hmm. Tricky one. Views, Alan?

Personally, I'm a Velcro man.

- Bit noisy, isn't it?
- Noisy but fast.

By the time they've heard your
flies, it's a lifetime too late.

Right. So, Velcro it is, then.

Now, Alan, I have a little
theory I'd like to put to you.

I'm listening.

The department is
rotten. Rotten to the core.

Am I ringing any bells with you?

You're saying the
department is rotten.

- One other thing, sir.
- Yes?

Which side do you dress?

Nearest the window, usually.

I want you to cast your
mind back to Berlin.

Problem?

You told me to draw a
line after Berlin, sir.

Walk away and forget, you said.

Yes, you had to leave in
rather a hurry, didn't you?

I can't remember.

- Ticket pocket, sir?
- What?

For the waistcoat.

Ticket pocket. Ticket
pocket. Ticket pocket.

No, I don't think so.

Hermoine and I don't seem to get out
to the theatre as much as we used to.

Be rather a waste.

Look, if you've hauled me
all the way out here...

- Now, calm yourself, Alan!
- ...chicken tikka masala.

There's reason in my madness.

What do you know of
Carl Albert Beiderbeck?

Beiderbeck. 5'11 ",
medium eyes, blue build,

father was a Romanian
circus acrobat,

did some courier work for
the Soviets in the late '50s,

mother was a small business advisor
for the Midland Bank in Altrincham,

a jujitsu, small arms, big
feet, fluent at the violin,

distinguishing marks: a
small mole in his garden

- I'm impressed, Alan.
- I've seen the file.

Well, then you are one of the few
people in the department who has.

- Meaning?
- Meaning,

well, then you are one of the few
people in the department who has.

I see.

The Beiderbeck file went walkies six
weeks ago. It hasn't been seen since.

Hence your rotten apple theory.

No, hence my rotten
department theory.

I don't really have a
rotten apple theory.

- Who drew the file last?
- That's what I want you to find out.

I'm begging your pardon, sir.

Oh, no, you're not going to ask me
a question about turn-ups, are you?

Oh, no, sir. About
the Beiderbeck file.

Yes?

I was the last person
to draw the file.

You?

Mr Beiderbeck wanted a suit made.
Said he was going on a trip.

And where he was headed, no one
knew how to cut cloth properly.

He couldn't come in for a fitting, so I
had to get his measurements from the file.

Well, I'll be rogered
with a stiff-wired brush.

♪ Hey Jude

♪ Don't make it bad

♪ Take a sad song

♪ And make it better

♪ Remember to let
her into your heart

♪ Then you can start

♪ To make it better

♪ And any time you feel the pain

♪ Hey Jude, refrain

♪ Don't carry the world

♪ Upon your shoulders

♪ For well you know
that it's a fool

♪ Who plays it cool

♪ By making his world

♪ A little colder

♪ La la la la la

♪ La la la

Come on, Jude!

♪ Hey Jude

♪ Don't make it bad

♪ Take a sad song

♪ And make it better

♪ Remember to let
her under your skin

♪ Then you begin

♪ To make it better

♪ Better, better, better,
better, better. Yeah!

♪ Na na na na-na-na-naaa

♪ Na-na-na-naaaa

♪ Hey Jude

Come on, Stephen!

♪ Na na na na-na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na-na

♪ Hey Jude

All right!

♪ Na na na na-na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na-na

♪ Hey Jude

One more time!

♪ Na na na na-na-na-na

♪ Na-na-na-na

♪ Hey Jude ♪

Thank you.

I don't know if I ever told you
about the day I forgot my legs.

I can't remember
which day it was.

It was one of the ones
that happened in 1987.

Can't recall which one
exactly, there were so many.

In particular, there were quite a
lot of Tuesdays then, I remember.

So I have a feeling it may
have been one of those.

Anyway, I was on my way into work with
Sir Peter Thorneycroft, no relation,

one fresh June
morning in early May

and we took the shortcut
across the fields.

I stooped, I recall,
to pick a buttercup.

Why people leave buttocks
lying around, I have no idea.

The gentlest breeze

and mildest camemberts
were packed in our hamper

and all nature seemed to
be holding its breath.

We made good time
by taking a back way

across what was then the main
Corpusty to Saxmundham road.

I was just remarking to Peter how
still and peaceful everything was

when he suddenly agreed with me,

and said how he thought everything
was still and peaceful too.

You know how if you half-close
your eyes you can't see so well?

Well, I just discovered that it was
equally true if you half-opened them.

And I was pointing
this out to him

when I suddenly noticed that I
had completely forgotten my legs.

Well, we had to go back for
them and the moment was spoiled

and three years later,
almost to the decade,

Margaret Thatcher
was hounded from office.

I sometimes muse on
what might have happened

if I had forgotten my ears,
as well.

Never go back, ladies and
gentlemen, never go back.

I cried the day Margaret
Thatcher resigned.

I cried and cried and cried.

And then my husband and I, and
I remember this very clearly,

we went out into the garden and we
slaughtered a goat in a ritual sacrifice.

Ah, Terry, Terry, Terry,
thanks for dropping by.

No problem.

You got my memo, I take it?

- The one asking me to drop by?
- That's the one.

- Yeah. Got it this morning.
- Excellent.

- Er, you got mine, hopefully?
- Yours? No, I don't think I did.

It's not important. It
just said I would drop by.

Ah.

I expect it's in my "in" tray. I
think Carol's probably dealt with it.

- How is Carol, by the way?
- Carol? Er, hang on a sec.

- Carol?
- Yes.

- How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

- She's fine.
- Oh, good.

I thought she was but I didn't
have the paperwork in front of me.

- Anyway, worth checking.
- Absolutely.

Now, Terry, Terry, Terry.

Terry, would you mind if I just went
over a small recap of your career here.

No problem.

Right. Now, you've been with this company
for, well, getting on for three years.

Seven, actually.

Seven? Well, I've got
three written down here.

Well, thanks for putting me right
on that. Right. Nearly seven years.

And how would you describe your
duties with us here in that time?

Well, as personnel manager,

I guess it's been down to me to look
after the hiring and firing round here.

- Hiring and...
- Firing.

Firing. Firing. Firing.

Two "F's" in "firing"?

- No, just one. Mmm-hmm.
- Just one? Oh, yes.

Yes, now that I look at it, it looks
silly with two, doesn't it? Yes. Firing.

Of course,
by firing I take it you don't mean

rifles or anything of that sort,
do you?

No. You mean sacking or
dismissing employees.

That's right, yeah. Although a rifle
would come in handy every now and then.

Would it? My dear fellow,
you should have said.

Not really.

I've also given courses of
instruction to senior management.

- In how to fire people.
- That's right.

Well, believe me, Terry, this
company is immensely grateful

for all the guidance you've
given us in senior management

on how to fire, sack and dismiss
employees from their jobs.

Well, I aim to please.

Aim to please. Fire to please.

That's it. You know,
that's very good.

Now, Terry, I have a problem.

Fire away.

Ha... ha... ha... ha... ha.

Yes. Terry, supposing there
was someone I wanted to fire.

Well, you know, I always
advise directness and candour.

Directness and...

- Two "S's" in "directness"?
- That's right.

I start off with a brief
recap of their career,

how long they've
held their current job.

Done that.

And then go on to tell them directly
and candidly that they're fired.

- Just like that?
- Just like that.

So, sort of, "Terry, you're fired,"
would, you think, meet the case?

- Absolutely.
- Oh, well.

Terry, you're fired.

- That's it.
- Hmm, hmm.

- Terry.
- Yup?

- You're fired.
- That's perfect.

Yes. Terry, you
are actually fired.

No, no, you only
have to say it once.

- Ah, no need to repeat it?
- Best not to.

Right, so having said,
"Terry, you are fired,"

you would ideally get up and
walk out of this building.

- Sometimes.
- Sometimes?

Sometimes, I might break down in
tears, beg you to take me back.

- Oh, dear.
- I know.

Well, we don't want that.

Other times, I might just
get very quiet and nod.

Well, that was more the sort of
thing I had in mind, I must say.

It varies from case to case.
Depends on the individual.

- What about you?
- Me?

Yes, would you say you
were a nodder or a crier?

Well, you never really
know till it's happening.

I see. I see.

I think I'm a nodder.

A nodder. Right. Nodder. Good.

- Terry.
- Yeah?

You're fired.

That's great.

- Terry, you're fired.
- Just once.

Yes, yes.

And if the person you are firing
doesn't take you seriously?

- Oh, well, that often happens.
- Does it?

Often happens. The
thing to do then

is just to look them straight
in the eyes and tell them.

I see.

Terry, you're fired.

Just like that. That's
it. That's perfect.

Good. Thank you. Yes.

- So, well, is that all?
- No, there is one other thing, Terry.

Perhaps you can help me out.

I'm having the most terrible
difficulty firing somebody.

- Mmm-hmm.
- I've done everything you've suggested,

directness with
two "S's", candour,

I've looked them in the eyes.

Yeah, they just can't take it on board.
They can't accept that it relates to them.

- That is very common.
- Is it?

Very common indeed, yeah.

If you like, just give me their name,
department. I'll take care of it for you.

Terry, would you?

Oh, that would be the most enormous
burden off my shoulders. How kind.

- That's what I'm here for.
- Yes, I suppose it is, isn't it?

So, love to Carol.

- Maybe, catch you later.
- Possibly, possibly.

You bastard!

I thought you said
you were a nodder.

So, Emlyn, what happened next?

Well, what's happened
is that the lad,

he's read the bit of paper
with his name on it, and...

What I think is that the
lad is... He's gone back in,

and the lad is... He's
broke down in tears

and the other lad,
sitting behind the desk

is giving him his hanky to,
you know, dry his tears with.

- I see. So that's what you think happened.
- Yeah, that's what happened, yeah.

Yeah, you think he came in,
broke down in tears...

Yeah,
he gives him a hanky, yeah.

- That's your answer?
- Yeah.

- You don't want to change your mind?
- No, that is definitely what happened.

So you think he came
in, broke down in tears,

was then given a handkerchief
with which he wiped his face?

- That's what happened.
- That's what you think happened next?

- Yes!
- And you don't want to change your mind?

No, that is what happened.

- You're sticking to that answer. I see.
- Yes!

Well, Emlyn, you are
absolutely rrrriiiii...

orrrriiiiorr...

So, Emlyn, what happened next?

- Well, he's... The lad's answered the question...
- Yes?

...and then he's
got so pissed off,

because the host of
the programme won't

tell him whether the
answer is right or not,

that the lad, what he's done is, he's
pulled out a gun, and he shot him.

- He shot him?
- Yeah.

- He shot him?
- Yeah.

- He shot him?
- Yeah.

- You think he shot him?
- He shot him.

You think he's pulled out a gun because
he is so annoyed at not being told...

- Yes! Yes!
- ...whether his answers are right or wrong,

that he's pulled out a gun and he
shot the host of the programme?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You don't want to change your mind?
- No.

- You think that happened?
- Yes!

Well, Emlyn, you are
absolutely rrrrriiiiiiiii...

...absolutely right.

£20? So I said, "I'll
toss you for it."

And he said, "What
would you do for £50?"

Excuse me, you, er, you have got
permission to film here, do you?

- 143, 143.
- Hold on a sec.

- I'll put the answerphone on.
- Hello, PC-143.

I'm afraid I'm unable to
take your call at the moment.

But if you'd like to leave a
message, - Now, the only reason I ask

- please speak slowly and clearly after the bleep.
- Is that we've had a lot of burglaries

- Thank you for calling. Bye.
- With people pretending to be film crews

and actually stealing
Japanese bonsai trees.

Shoe shop? Well, there is
one just round the corner.

I should be careful, though.

- Good morning.
- I beg your pardon?

- I said good morning.
- Good morning to you, sir.

Mr Dalliard, we have a
gentleman in the shop.

I have parried his opening remark, and we
are now having a pleasant conversation.

Mr Dalliard will be joining
us as soon as is likely.

Well, indeed, sir. Good morning.

Though of course, one says good
morning, does one not, Mr...

Pardoe.

One says good morning,
does one not, Mr Jowett?

But, in fact, if you were kind
enough to look outside the door,

which is conveniently situated
just over there, for Christ's sake,

you will see that it is
far from a good morning.

It is, in fact,
rather win... try.

- Yes, I suppose it is rather.
- Very, very win...

- Try?
- Indeed.

So, from win... triness to
you, young Master Jowett,

- how may we serve?
- Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Very well, I shall
serve them first.

No. I meant I am looking
for a pair of shoes.

- To buy?
- To buy.

Mr Dalliard, the gentleman
wants to buy a pair of shoes.

Really? Oh, what rotten,
decomposing luck.

Mr Dalliard tells
me we have no shoes.

I must say, you've
got very good hearing.

I beg your pardon?

Well, I couldn't hear
your Mr Dalliard at all.

- My Mr Dalliard?
- Yes, the fellow who was...

- Oh, sir, I've confused you.
- Have you?

Yes, I should make it clearer
than a Waterford bedpan

that he is not my Mr Dalliard.

He's everybody's Mr Dalliard.

A gift to the
nation, if you like.

As much my Mr Dalliard
as your Mr Dalliard,

or, dare I say it,
and I think I dare,

Graham Gooch's Mr Dalliard.

Graham Gooch?

So it looks, sir, as if you've
come to exactly the wrong place.

I advise you to
leave by the door,

which is still conveniently situated
just over there, for Christ's sake,

walk 17 paces to your left and
turn into the small shoe shop

that you will find next to a branch
of Finlay's, the tobacco people.

You mean, this
isn't a shoe shop?

Good Lord and lots else
besides, no, Mrs Jowett.

- But...
- This a place where people come

to meet and talk privately in
an intimate, informal atmosphere

with a view to a massage or several
rounds of sexual intercourse.

- What?
- This is a place where people...

You mean this is a brothel?

I dislike the word
"brothel", Mr Jowett.

I prefer the word "brothels".

Yes, this is a brothels.

But what about the shoes?

- Shoes?
- Well, these.

Those are my
prostitutes, Mr Jowett.

Prostitutes?

You mean people pay to
have sex with these?

Very much, of course,
they pay, Lady Jowett.

I am not a charitable
organisation,

much though the evidence may
point to my being reasonably tall.

Lots of people?

Ah. I fancy I detect a
wrinkle of concern in

your otherwise smooth
and tobogganable brow.

Yes, your intimations are right.

Business is not what it was,
it is not even what it is.

It may not even be what it
will be. We shall see. If it...

Mr Dalliard, I've started
to talk drivel now.

You mean to say, really,
having sex with shoes.

- Sir?
- Well, it seems very...

- Very?
- Very...

Very?

- Well, very...
- Well, very?

Oh, I don't know.

Yes, it does. It seems very, "Oh,
I don't know," doesn't it, sir?

I mean if... I mean, this...

Fredericka is perhaps the most popular
moccasin in this brothels, sir.

- Well, I grant you the lining is very...
- £20.

- What?
- You have just inserted your hand

right into Fredericka's most
intimate interior partlets.

You cannot be expected to
do such a thing gratis.

- But I...
- £20.

That's all I get for
£20, is it? Just a feel?

No, no, no. If you were to go
into the copulatorium thither

with Fredericka and a
partner of your choice,

you can sauce her to
your heart's con...

- Tent?
- I see. Well...

As I'm here, I suppose... Yes,
all right, I'll take this one.

Sir, that is more
than my job is worth.

If you want that kind of thing, I
suggest you go to the Philippines.

All right. Well, I'll take
Fredericka and this one.

Very good, sir,
Fredericka and Colin.

- Through there. You have half an hour.
- Colin?

I won't tell a soul, sir,
discretion is my middle letter.

Mr Dalliard, we have a three-way.
Meet you at the peep-hole!

Well, that's about
it for this week.

That's right. Sadly
the clock has beaten us.

Oh, do be quiet, Hugh.

Right.

So, until we happen into each other
again in the corridor of life,

- it's good night from me.
- And it's good night from me.

And it's good night from me.

We're going to leave you with
tonight's cocktail recipe.

This one is called, "Everything
in the Till and No Sudden Moves".

You can have fun asking
for that in your local bar.

And for it you need
four measures of gin,

rum, brandy, whisky,
tequila, Angostura bitters,

and a sprint of orange juice

and a pack of ordinary
playing cards.

Please, Mr Music, will you play?

- Soupy Twist.
- Soupy Twist.