A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 3, Episode 1 - Episode #3.1 - full transcript

Come in.

Hello, Father. Mother
said you wanted to see me.

Yes, yes, come in, Timothy.

Erm, just wanted a word. I
wondered if you could... Oh.

Oh, damn this drawer! I just
don't seem to be able to open it.

I wonder, would you mind?

Yes!

Yes, it's true!
Every word is true!

I tried to fight it, but I
knew it was useless. It's true!

Father?

Timothy, it's time
you knew who you were.



- I know who I am, Father.
- No, child, you do not.

I'm Timothy Forrest.

No, I wish it was so, but no.

Sit. Sit down.

Twenty-five years ago,

the doctors told
your mother and me

that it would be impossible
for us ever to have children.

Oh, why not?

I can't remember the exact reason. It was
something to do with penises, I think.

So we decided to adopt a child.

I see.

And you chose me?

After a great deal of shopping around,
yes.

From a new edge-of-town orphanage
that had opened just outside Royston.



Well, did they tell you
who my real parents were?

Please, Timothy, let me tell this in my
own way, in my own time, in my own clothes.

I'm sorry, Father.

On your seventh birthday a man
called round to this house.

His name was Furlo Roth.

He took out a small
multi-bladed knife,

and he placed it in this drawer,

the drawer that you have
just opened, Timothy.

He then closed the drawer

and said that only the Chosen
One would be able to open it.

You, Timothy, you
are the Chosen One.

I am?

And this is Berwhale
the Avenger.

The weapon of the Chosen One.

Tomorrow is your 25th birthday,

and you must leave us to go in
search of Pewnack the Destroyer,

the Dark One, the Beast.

- Golly.
- When the fourth moon of Trollack

rises above the Cylinder of
Eyelass then Pewnack will strike.

His kingdom shall be numberless

and darkness will
blight the land.

All men will be slaves and the
time of weeping will begin.

Only the Chosen
One can stop him.

So it is written in the runes
of Ollerman-Goth, so it must be.

And only Berwhale the Avenger can
pierce the armour of the beast.

I knew it!

It sounds funny, Father, but in my
heart I knew there was something.

I realise now that I've been
waiting for this moment all my life.

Yes! Yes, it must be so.

So where will I find this beast,
this Pewnack the Destroyer?

He lives far beyond
in Saffron Walden.

Saffron Walden, right.

You must go there.

Surprise is the key.

If he knew that you were after him, he
would set the minions of Threek on you.

Become a part of the community.
Get a job in a canning factory.

Bide your time.

And how will I know this Beast?

Only Teece the Wise
One can tell you.

- Teece?
- Teece.

After six months, when you have been
accepted by the Saffron Walden community,

then Furlo Roth will call on you

and show you how
you might find Teece

and together set out on your quest
to rid the world of Pewnack forever!

Yes, yes it shall be done!

Now, take Berwhale the Avenger,

go upstairs and wash
your hands for lunch.

Right.

Well?

I think he swallowed it.

Thank God.

Get that lazy little sod out of
the house and earning his living.

Well, we had our first
child on the NHS.

And had to wait nine
months. Can you believe it?

I found young people are no
longer enticed into the church

on the promise of guitars
and a little folk music.

We have to move with the times.

We've started showing leather
and bondage films in St Barnaby's

and the results
have been very good.

We were packed last Sunday. Mostly
young Conservatives, but it's a start.

Well, I looked over
at my friend Suzy

and her body was there but
her head was right over there.

It was quite a weekend,
I can tell you.

I think, in 50 years'
time, people will be saying

"Whatever happened to the
traditional English McDonald's?"

Eh? It's a thought, isn't it? Eh? I
mean, think about it. It's a thought.

Do what, eh? Well, it is a
thought, isn't it? Right?

All right. I mean, do
what, turn it up. Right?

This woman is very upset. We
think you should hear her story.

- Now, Sally...
- Sarah.

Sarah. Damn!

Sarah.

Would you like to tell us what
it is that's upset you like this?

No.

- You're too upset?
- Yeah.

Right. Sarah's too upset even to talk
about what it is that's upset her.

That's how upset she is.

Would it be all right if I told the
viewers what it is that's upsetting you?

No.

Right.

Right. Well, you can see for yourselves
that Sarah is immensely upset,

so upset that she won't even
let me tell you on her behalf

what it is that's upsetting her.

I think I can, however, give
you the very barest details.

- Basic...
- No, you can't.

Right. No, absolutely not.

The thing is they're, um...

They're probably all a bit curious to
know what it is that's upsetting you now

and, you know, if I... I'd be letting
them down if I didn't tell them something.

Oh, but you can't.

Okay, okay.

- So, I... I can't even...
- No, no...

Right.

What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Were you telling them what's upset me?

- No.
- Good.

Well, I mean, you told me not
to, so obviously I wouldn't.

Right.

You bastard!

- What? I wasn't doing anything. I... I was...
- I trusted you.

Well, good. I'm glad 'cause,
you know, I trusted you.

I don't want your trust.

Right. Well, I think... I think
she's gone upstairs, so...

Basically, I can tell you that
what happened was she was...

Hello, I wonder if you can
remember what you were doing

at half past three on
the 16th of August, 1977.

I remember exactly. I was revising
for my insect-killing exams.

In those days you could never
really call yourself educated

unless you knew
how to kill wasps.

Anyway, as I say, I was
swatting away for these exams

when I felt a sudden
rush in my soul,

a sense of something incredibly
beautiful and mysterious passing into me.

An extraordinary feeling,

not unlike an evening with Cliff
Michelmore but somehow more peaceful.

What could this feeling portend?

Two hours later I discovered
its meaning exactly.

For it was precisely
at that time

that Elvis Aaron Presley died.

I knew then that the soul
of Elvis had passed into me.

And since that day I have,
more or less, been Elvis.

I've spent nearly all my time stuffing
my face with ice cream and Big Macs

and popping Percodan
and Quaalude pills.

It's eerie, isn't
it? Extraordinary.

But I am, of course, not the
only person into whom Elvis,

with his customary
generosity, breathed his soul.

♪ Love me tender

♪ Love me sweet

♪ Never let me go

♪ You have made my life complete

♪ And I love you so

♪ Love me tender

♪ Love me true

♪ All my dreams fulfilled

♪ Oh, my darling

♪ I love you

♪ And I always will ♪

Behold. This court doth find itself
convened under the eye of God,

this day of our Lord, Tuesday,
which is called Tuesday.

So be it. Be it so
and not otherwise.

- Nay.
- Moo.

As witness my hand hereunto bearing
the great seal of Rotherham.

Meow.

All those who do have righteous
business before these presents

either make sign or
say this court nay.

- Or moo.
- Or, possibly, moo.

- The charge. Make known the charge.
- Fourteen guineas per calendar hour.

- Cheap.
- Woof.

Be it known and appended in these,
our records, that

this chalice of Ultra
Heat Treated milk,

being appointed in the
wisdom of our Lord God

to accompany the coffee of the most
reverent and holy Bishop of Uffington,

did fail to yield up its juices,
therefore most basely causing

that holy and right goodly man

to snag his fingernail against the tab, the
which is provided for the opening, thereof.

- Unto.
- Of it.

Slightly.

This snagging the
devil having achieved,

for it must right wise be known that
the devil hath possessed this chalice...

- Or pot.
- Hath possessed this chalice or pot.

The lid did open in an
irritating little V shape

and did most lewdly
disgorge its opal fluids

upon the chaste and seemly
waistcoat of our most godly bishop.

Thereat proving that the
pot is a most wicked pot!

Or chalice.

A most wicked and
contumely pot or chalice

wherein Satan doth
play Jackalawkins.

- This being said...
- And neighed.

This being said and neighed unto
the articles whereof it is written,

it should be said and neighed
we do make most erotic demand

that this chalice or pot
and its milk and contents

be cast into the chasting dish

thence to be tossed unshriven and
unhouseled into the condign flames

whence they most surely rose.

Prepare the chasting dish.

The chasting dish is prepared.

The chasting dish is prepared.

- The opening! The opening!
- The opening and the pouring.

Bugger.

There's no such thing as
bad publicity, they say.

Try telling that to Frank Bough.

I... Personally, I think sandwiches
actually taste better out of Tupperware.

Because I love the
smell. I just...

I... Oh, I love that.

Yes, it... It is nice, isn't it?

There's a little man in the
village who runs up my skirts.

Yeah, it's... It's
mostly legwork, this job.

Alan, my dear boy. Good to see you.
I hope you don't mind, I was just...

What the hell are you doing
here? How did you get in?

Your landlady. Charming woman.

Turns out both she and I are
great fans of Johnny Mathis.

Ah!

Yeah, what the hell do you want?

I'd forgotten your obsession
with Japanese fighting fish.

You're quite an
expert, aren't you?

Never mind that. Just say your
piece and get the hell out of here.

Never really could
see it myself.

What is it about them
that interests you?

Japanese fighting fish?

They're loyal. Honest.

They don't send you to Aylesbury
on half-arsed operations

and then sell you
down the river.

Oh, come now, Alan,
that's hardly fair.

- The Department...
- The hell with the Department!

That's finished. It's over.
It's finished with. Over.

Finished and done with. It's
over. It's completely finished.

You're right, Alan. I see that
now. I shouldn't have come here.

You have your own life
now. This flat, your fish.

And there's a girl
now, I believe.

Deborah, is it?

You wanna know something,
read the file, sir.

Of course, Alan. Of course.

I shall leave you now. Thanks
for the use of the lavatory.

- Oh, by the way.
- What now?

We're reopening the Steinbeck case.
I thought you might be interested.

Steinbeck? What the hell...?

You and Steinbeck had quite
a lot in common, didn't you?

Both orphaned at an early age. Both
took excellent degrees at the Sorbonne.

Both had trials for
West Bromwich Albion.

You at inside right, Steinbeck in
goal, I think I'm right in saying.

Both have accounts with
John Lewis at Brent Cross.

- Is that a crime?
- Not at all, my dear boy.

I'm just pointing out the
similarities, that's all.

And, of course, you
both adore fish.

Really quite remarkable.

You bastard.

He trusts you, Alan. You're the only
one who can bring him out alive.

It's your damn porridge,
use your own damn spoon.

Please, Alan, don't throw
porridge in my face.

That's completely over. Finished.
Done with. Over and finished with.

Done over with. Finished. Over.

You understand?
Finished over with.

Done.

I seem to have touched a nerve.

All right, Alan,
blast you. 15-all.

We need you, and you need us.

I need nothing and nobody.

You need an import
licence for those

oh-so-pretty Japanese
fighting fish of yours.

You bloody bastard.

First class flight
to Chichester.

Table for two on the sleeper
from Chichester to Stroud.

Hair-trigger, fur-barrel, soft-eared
bullets. Just as you like them.

You certainly came
prepared, didn't you?

I prefer to put it this way. I
certainly came prepared, didn't I?

Welsh passport,

hotel reservations at the
Welcome Break, Low Wycombe,

all in the name of
one Lewis Potter.

- And the real Lewis Potter?
- A chartered prostitute from Hereford.

Died two years ago in
a smiling accident.

Will you do it, Alan?

- You said table for two?
- Of course.

Allow me to introduce your wife.

- What the hell?
- You need a new ballcock.

- I beg your pardon?
- On your cistern.

I've fixed it for now,
but it needs replacing.

I know you're used to working alone,
Alan, but

under the circumstances
the Department felt...

The Department can go to hell!

I told you, I'm finished,
done away with at last.

Period, no more, full
stop, the end, full period.

You can shove the
Department up your arse.

No, I can't do that, as
you very well know, Alan.

The Department is a large building
housing hundreds of people.

I couldn't possibly shove it up my arse
without a great deal of discomfort...

- Excuse me, Admiral.
- What is it, my dear?

Major Tarrant seems
to doubt my abilities.

You're damn right.

Well, I'll leave you
two to get acquainted

while I have another go on that
excellent lavatory of yours.

Don't worry, my dear. His
bark's much worse than his bite.

So did he tell you what
happened to my last partner?

Shot dead on the steps
of the Prague Embassy.

- I've read the file.
- Yeah?

Well, files ain't a lot of use when
you're staring down the barrel of a knife.

Nice flat.

Gets me from A to B.

Quite a collection of Japanese
fighting fish. Are they good?

The one on the left's a black belt fourth
dan. The one on the right is retired.

You don't like me,
do you, Major?

Save it,
lady. I don't have a lot of time.

Look, if we're gonna be working
together, we might as well be friends.

I work faster alone.

Perhaps it'd be a good idea
if we went to bed together.

Like I said, I
work faster alone.

- Me, too. Have you got two bedrooms?
- Sure.

I'll take this one.
You take the other.

- Better?
- Much.

- I don't even know your name.
- Does it matter?

I guess not.

Look, if you wanna make yourself useful, you
could start by fixing us a pair of drinks.

- You'll find some whisky above...
- Above the sink.

- I know. I've read the file, remember?
- You minx.

Oh, that really was most enjoyable.
Would anyone else like a go?

No? Well, in that case, I think
I might have another turn myself.

Really most excellent.

What does he do in there?

I've really no idea.

♪ The world is ever sliding

♪ Ever gliding, ever turning

♪ Ever yearning and colliding

♪ The stairs begin to creak

♪ You turn but cannot speak

♪ As the bubble starts to squeak

♪ And you find the truth you seek

♪ You, yes, you, you, you

♪ It's you I'm speaking to

♪ You, the sparkle of my fright

♪ The goddess of what seems

♪ The starling of my night

♪ The parcel of my dreams

♪ Just the parcel of my dreams

♪ Oh, yes

♪ You, yes, you, you, you

♪ The you who do
what none can do

♪ The you that haunts my ears

♪ On the shortlist
of wasted rains

♪ The avenue of chandeliers

♪ That shames my frozen veins

♪ That shames my
frozen veins, not yet

♪ The world is ever hiding

♪ Ever riding, ever churning

♪ Ever burning and dividing

♪ For the horse bestrides the
cart And the temple rent apart

♪ And thou wilt be what thou art

♪ As your hand becomes your heart

♪ You, yes, you, you, you

♪ The you who knows
what once I knew

♪ The you that spits my blood

♪ And stares at both my clouds

♪ You wear a sleeve of mud

♪ Your cuffs become my shrouds

♪ Your cuffs become my shrouds

♪ Oh, why?

♪ You, yes, you, you, you

♪ The which, why, how and who

♪ You crumple the skirts of need

♪ In the belly of desire

♪ Where my freshly planted seed

♪ Can spin its tangled wire

♪ Can spin its tangled wire

♪ It is finished ♪

Yes, I've... I've smoked
pot, erm, only once.

But, it was... It was strange, really,
because I got arrested and sent to prison.

And my parents were shunned
by the local community,

and my father lost his job, and
my mother became an alcoholic,

and my sister and I were put
into care, and now I'm homeless.

All from smoking pot. It's
funny, really, isn't it?

What, this old thing? Well, it
could be a help and a hindrance.

On the plus side, I can get
into Ronnie Scott's half price.

On the minus side, I do
look a complete tosser.

Yes, I drive a
Vauxhall Nova Splash.

It's a limited edition.

I think they only made one
and a half million of them.

These? Bernard Matthews'
Golden Turkey Drummers.

You'd be surprised how
versatile they are.

I've got one in at
the moment, actually.

So I think it would be
useful if we started

by your telling me something about
your state of mind at the moment.

How would you describe it? Would
you say you were happy or depressed?

Confident or unsure of yourself?

What words would you use to
describe your mood, would you say?

Take your time.

Fascinating.
Absolutely fascinating.

Your problem seems to centre around the
delusion that you are a psychiatrist

and that everyone you speak
to is a patient of some sort.

This is a rare but not
unheard of syndrome.

I think perhaps it would be helpful now if
we talked a little bit about your mother.

What are your feelings
towards your mother?

Extraordinary, really. Very
intriguing. Now why mother?

Was your mother affectionate
towards you when you were small?

Affection?

Affection, that's interesting. I wonder
why you chose that word particularly.

I think it will be helpful if you told
me at this point, if you can remember,

whether or not you were
breastfed as an infant.

Already, you see, we're focusing
in on breasts. Good, good.

Now, how do you feel about breasts
now? Do they... Do they frighten you?

Because, again, this
is quite common.

Breasts and fear.

Ah, now, that is very
interesting, breasts and fear.

Fascinating association.

Where do you think your father
fits into that association?

Right, right. Absolutely
classic. Father, father...

All right, so let's
imagine a line, shall we?

We have fear at one end,
breasts at the other.

Now, where would you place
your father on that line?

Lines. Lines. Now that
is... That is interesting.

Line... I may ask you to
draw those lines in a minute

in something we call a Bender-Gestalt
test, which can be very revealing.

But lines,
let's explore those for a moment.

They're very penetrative,
aren't they?

Very, very thrusting,
very male, very masculine.

- They urge onwards, don't they?
- Right, right.

So now at last the layers are beginning
to unpeel. This is very important.

So we have... We have
breasts. We have fear.

We have male thrusting,
penetrative, urging,

some sort of psychiatric jargon you've
picked up from the Reader's Digest.

How often would you
say you masturbated?

Now, I'm gonna be really
quite firm now, all right?

- I'm the doctor. You are the patient.
- Yes, that's right.

Now, I'm sorry, I want to hear you say it.
I want to hear you say, "I am the patient."

- What was that?
- "I am the patient."

Good, good. That's
a breakthrough.

Now that you can say that,
now that you can admit it,

we can proceed. Excellent.

You are the patient.

I am, you are. Perhaps
we're all patients.

No, I am not a patient.

Now, now, please remain
calm, Mr Windrush.

Dr Windrush.

Now, you realise that I only have to
lift this phone, you will be restrained.

Yes, hello?

- Yes, it's all right, Rebecca, I'm in a session...
- Don't worry, thank you, Rebecca.

- He's just a patient. Don't worry about it.
- There's nothing to worry about.

Now, look, I can't help you unless
you stop playing this ridiculous game.

Extraordinary. I don't think I've ever come
across a more deeply embedded illusion.

It is not an illusion.

Your last doctor tried you on a
course of Lentizol, I believe.

Did you find that helped at all?

All right, let's go right back
to the beginning, shall we?

If you are, as you
think, a doctor...

Well, I'm sorry, that's the full hour, Mr
Windrush. Shall we say same time next week?

Er, yes, I think I can fit
you in same time next week.

Perhaps for the next session

you could bring some photographs of
your parents. That might be useful.

Yes, I think I might try you on
a course of hypnosis next time.

And if you'll just confirm that appointment
with Rebecca on the way out. Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh. You're both here.

Well, I think I'm seeing
you first, Mr Windrush.

Would you mind waiting outside, Mr
Johanssen? You're a little bit early.

Rebecca, two teas, please.

Extraordinary.

- So deep-seated.
- Simply fascinating.

- Well, that was just...
- Do sit down, Mrs Meddlicott...

- Have a seat... I'm finished my session with him.
- He's on his way out.

The interesting thing is I've
never had a lesson in my life.

But then, you see,

I'd have to say that my mother and
I have never really agreed on...

Hold on, you've got a... You've got a
bit of a spec of dirt on the camera.

There you go.

Well, that's about
it for this week.

That's right. We seem to have
exceeded our allotted time.

- Hugh, old love?
- What?

- Button it. There's a dear.
- Right. Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

So until we happen into each other
once again, it's good night from me.

And it's good night from me.

We're going to leave you with
tonight's cocktail recipe.

Tonight it's Whisky Thunder.

For this you'll need
whisky, Angostura bitters,

lemon juice, a pint of
oh-so-fresh-fresh dairy cream,

two olives and a peanut.

Please, Mr Music, will you play.

- Soupy twist.
- Soupy twist.