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A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript


Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so very much.

Well, good evening.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome.

Well, my hands are a bit full so, Hugh,

perhaps you wouldn't mind
doing the apostrophes for me this week?

- Certainly, right.
- Welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

Some very, very exciting news.

I received a letter today.

- Hugh, if you would.
- Right.

A letter from Buckingham Palace
and I'm going to read it to you.

"Dear Mr Fry..." Misspelt.

"Thank you very much for applying for the MBE.

"As you know, numbers are limited.

"We have only one MBE
left on the upcoming Honours List."

- Oh, dear.
- It's disappointing, isn't it?

- That is disappointing. "Upcoming"?
- Yes. Rather American, isn't it?

Still, it goes on.

"Apart from yourself,
the shortlist includes Arthur Holt,

"Reading's Mr Ballbearings,

"Elspeth Reid, deputy to the deputy-deputy
of the Chobham Conservative Party

"and Sally Cooke."
Who is an Olympic athlete, is that right?

- Oh, come on. Everyone knows who Sally Cooke is.
- Sorry, okay.

"And the winner will be the one who,
in the opinion of the judges,

"comes up with the best slogan."

- Slogan?
- Yes, you have to say,

in not more than 10 words,

why you think the Queen
is both marvellous and important.

Right. Well...

Well, come on, Hugh. You're a words man.
Have a go.

- It can't be that hard, can it? In 10 words.
- Not more than.

Right. I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because...

That's it.

- What?
-10 words.

"I think the Queen
is both marvellous and important because."

- Yeah. It's got sort of a ring to it.
- Yeah.

- It's not overstated.
- No, no. She'd like that, the Queen.

- Very, very understated woman.
- Terribly understated.

- Discreetly understated.
- Oh, yes, discreet.

She'd never fall into the easy trap
of overstating her understatedness.

- Exactly. Very like Sally Cooke, actually.
- Yes.

I think the Queen and Sally Cooke
would get on very well.

That's true, actually, isn't it?

Let's face it. Sally Cooke's got it, hasn't she?

- She'll win the MBE.
- Yeah, yeah.

Well, then, ladies and gentlemen,
a big A Bit hand for Sally Cooke,

captain of the British Winter Olympics
synchronised losing team!

This is Dominic Appleguard.

Dominic Appleguard is unhappy.

When Dominic Appleguard was three months old,

his mother left him.

Dominic Appleguard always felt different
from the other boys at school.

He felt apart, somehow separate.

Unlike them, dissimilar, not the same.

Dominic's father died when he was only seven.

Dominic developed a passion for broadcaster
and TVpersonality Bob Holness.

He vowed to strive always to be worthy of him.

Dominic wears a hat in an odd but caring way.

You can trust him with a peony

and a cod.

Dominic Appleguard designed the M25.

If there were any justice in this worid,
Esther Rantzen would be Queen.

Luckily, there isn't.

Well, you see, it's a sensitive area, isn't it?
It's a very sensitive area.

That's why I very rarely rub it.

Hello there. I am Rhodes Boyson.

Good evening. My name is Rhodes Boyson.

We are the Rhodes Boysons and this is our hour.

An hour in which phrases...

Phrases, certainly. Yes, certainly phrases.

Phrases such as "centres of excellence"
will be much in evidence.

The phrase "centre of excellence"
will be muchly evidenced.

- And by "centre of excellence" we mean...
- We mean primarily...

- Primarily, that is.
- A centre that is...

- By and large...
- By-ly and largely...

Excellent in some regard.

- In some regard or other.
- In some or other regard.

That is what we mean by "centre of excellence".
I hope that's cleared that one up.

Another word that cannot be stressed enough
is "standards".

Standards as in "standards of excellence",

"moral standards"
and "standards of accountability".

"Standards of accountability".
Oh, I love that one. Yes.

Now, be prepared also for this phrase,

"working to improve the lot of small businesses".

- Careful.
- Careful.

- Careful.
- Careful.

Careful. That's not working
to improve "a" lot of small businesses.

That's working to improve
"the" lot of small businesses.

So, for the time being, we'll leave you
with these three marvellous phrases.

- "Centres of excellence".
- That's "centres of excellence".

- "Standards of accountability".
- "Standards of accountability".

I do love that one.
I shall be using that one in bed tonight.

And "working to improve the lot..." Careful!

Careful.

"..the lot of small businesses".

So, it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson.

And it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson.

We trust that you have enjoyed...

Our hour.

He just picked me up
and started to slap me really hard.

I cried and cried, but he didn't take any notice.

Then he put a plastic tag round my wrist,

cut my umbilical cord and put me in a cot.
It was awful.

Mr Kerniff.

- Where...?
- Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?

Where am I?

You probably don't remember, Mr Kerniff,
but you were in an accident.

- A van?
- No, an accident.

- You were on your bicycle and you were hit...
- By a van.

That's right.

- Am I all right?
- Oh, you're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff.

Lots of drink and plenty of hot sleep.

Right.

I'm afraid to say, however, that you did sustain
a very serious injury to your genitals.

- Oh, dear.
- "Oh," as you rightly say, "dear."

So serious, in fact,
that we were forced to remove them.

My genitals? Oh, no!

Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes.

However will I manage?

Well, did you use them often, Mr Kerniff?

No, but it was nice to know they were there.

Well, I shouldn't worry too much, Mr Kerniff.

Medical science has advanced a great deal.

Prosthetic and substitute legs, arms,

even noses are now really quite commonplace.

You supply substitute genitals?

Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.

I don't...

I don't want a dog's genitals, for heaven's sake.

What an almost amusing
misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff.

No, no, no.
No, Killer here will simply be your substitute

for having genitals.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, surely you've seen people
walking around with Dobermans before?

- Yes.
- Yeah, well, for men who have no genitals,

the ownership of a Doberman,
or a similarly violent animal,

acts as an important psychological crutch.

And I stress the word "important".

What about making love?

Oh, I'm sure Killer will be on for that,
won't you now?

Yes. Now, in addition, we will also be
supplying you with a diving watch,

a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo

and this camouflage combat jacket.

- Oh, yes, and these will also be yours.
- What are they?

Keys to your rusty white van. It's parked outside.

- Doctor.
- Yes, Mr Kerniff?

I appreciate that you're trying to help here,

but I also used my genitals for,
you know, expelling urine.

Oh, but Mr Kerniff,
that's the beauty of the whole system.

When people see you in a combat jacket

driving around in a rusty white van
with Killer here in the back,

the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

Anyway, I was very reasonable.
I said to the bank manager,

you know, "Come on, it takes two to tango,"

and he said, "Yeah, but it only takes one

"to get out of my office and never come back."

Freddy.

Good heavens, Jack, I didn't see you there.

Good evening, Freddy.

Well, good evening, Jack.

Now, then, Freddy, you're a decent sort of chap.

Well, I...

Yes, I think so, Jack. Yes.

I try to be a decent sort of chap, yes.

Can I ask you a question, Freddy?

Ask away, Jack. Ask a-bloody-way.

Are you one of us?

- Am I one of us?
- Yes.

- Am I one of us?
- Yes.

I'm not... I'm not entirely sure
I've understood your question, Jack.

Let me put it another way.

Oh, would you, Jack?
Yes, well, I'd be enormously grateful, yes.

Do you believe in the cause?

- The cause?
- Cause of freedom.

Well, Jack. I suppose...

generally, yes. Yes, I do. Yes.

If anyone's passing the hat round for freedom,

then I'll bung them a quid or two, Jack, yes.

I thought so. I thought so from the first.

Yes, I'm one of us, Jack,
if you want to put it that way.

Excellent.

Phew. Well, we got there in the end, eh, Jack?
Sorted that one out.

Gets a bit more complicated now.

Hold on.

Would you be prepared to do something
in the cause of freedom?

Wh-what sort of thing, Jack?

Jumble sale? Hand out leaflets? What?

Put a bomb in a restaurant.

Put a bomb in a restaurant?

Crikey.

And leave it there, you mean?

Leave it there, that's right.

Yes, yes. You don't mean put it there,

have a spot of lunch and then take it out again?

No. I mean leave it there.

- Until it goes off?
- Precisely.

Do you think you could manage that, Freddy,
in the cause of freedom?

Well, Jack...

Jack, I wonder if you wouldn't mind

sort of joining up the dots for me, if you like.

If it'll make it easier for you.

Well, I... I think it will, Jack. I think it will.

Yeah, because unless I fainted
and missed a whole chunk of the conversation,

we've been sitting here, you and I,
having a nice old chat, nice old chat,

putting the worid to rights and so on,
and then suddenly,

you're asking me to put a bomb in a restaurant.

That's right.

Yes, well, those are the two dots
I'd like you to join up, Jack, if you wouldn't mind.

The nice chat and the bomb in the restaurant.

Just join them up for me, there's a good fellow.

All right, then, Freddy.

There are certain people

who do not believe in the cause.

- Don't believe in freedom, you mean?
- That's right.

- Utter swine.
- Right.

And they eat in a particular restaurant,
do they, Jack?

Some of them will be eating
in a particular restaurant on a particular day, yes.

Well, Jack, sorry to stop you,

- but I've an idea.
- Yes?

Yes, well, you know who these people are?

- Yes.
- Yes.

And you know which restaurant
they're going to be in?

- Yes.
- Right, so here's the idea.

We go in there, you and I, Jack,

and we sit down at their table
and we have it out with them, eh, Jack?

- Face to face. What do you say?
- Fight them, you mean?

No! No, no, no, Jack. No, argument.

Argument! You're a persuasive fellow, Jack.

You know, I bet you we could sit down
at their table over the soup

and you could talk, Jack, and I'll back you.
I'll back you to the hilt, Jack!

And I bet you anything
we could have them believing in freedom

by the time the pudding arrives, eh?
What do you say, Jack? Hm?

I don't think that'll quite do, Freddy.

It won't quite do. All right, Jack.
All right, how about this?

We pretend...
We pretend to put a bomb in the restaurant.

- Freddy.
- Yes, Jack?

- I think perhaps...
- Yes?

I think perhaps I was wrong about you.

No, Jack! No! No, you weren't.
No, you were absolutely right, Jack.

- Right as ruddy rain, you were.
- Well, then.

Jack, it's just that...

I'm just the most awful duffer
at this sort of thing, you know?

The restaurant is called the Etoile d'Or
in Maddox Street.

I suggest you put that behind the lavatory system
but of course, it's up to you.

Oh, hell.

Last night, I got what is technically known as
completely ratted.

Yes. I was not unadjacent to being totally legless.

I was exceedingly proximate to being paralytic.

I think an observer
would have designated me quadriplegic.

Poleaxed, certainly.

So much so that when I woke up this morning,

I couldn't remember the names
of the five moons of Treglos 14.

Oh?

- Dear me. Dear me, indeed. I hope you can now.
- Oh, certainly. Yes, yes.

Zutron, Maim, Thrompthane,
Sneet and Palstreecken.

You know, I was not far distant yesterday
in thinking that I'd uncovered

a minor but definite inconsistency
in the Miemstiff trilogy.

- Say on.
- Well, you know how in The Cold Planet

Fliggsnare announces
the three rules of the galactic quest?

Well, I hope I wasn't so...
I hope I wasn't so arseholed last night

as to forget that.

It says that any voyager who breaks a rule, yes,

will be disqualified from the quest
and re-colonised to the Quiet Zone.

- True.
- Yes, well, in Return of the Suk People,

Fringo breaks the second rule

by communicating with an empath
from the Stained Quadrant.

Yet he's never disqualified, is he?

That's exceptionally true, as a matter of fact.

I wonder if it might be worth writing to
Jim Willis and pointing out that inconsistency?

Well, I fully intend so to do.

Oh. Anyway, in answer to your question...

- Steffi Graf.
- And I don't know.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

This next song is a big hit for I in France.

But now I make the change with it

for the English speak.

# When your eyes are stubborn

# To many behind the cupboard

# Underneath your nose

# In all my little moonshine bottom #

They've got a bigger table than we have.

Come on, Stuart. This is fine.

No. Look, there are two of them.
They've got a bigger table.

There are four of us, look at this.

- Oh, Stuart, for heaven's sake, a table's a table.
- Darling.

No, well, Jill, there we differ, you and I.

To me there are tables and there are tables.
Am I right, Gordon?

Well, you know me, Stuart. Table is as table does.

At least it's snug, poppet.

What it is, poppet, is cramped.
You should have used my name when you booked.

I did.

What, Mr Poppet?

Oh.

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.

Table for bomb, please.

Excuse me?

Yes. Table for one. For one. I was...

Sorry. Bit nervous. I've never...

never actually eaten.

I mean, before.

Oh, well, you have chosen
the perfect place to start.

Have I?

Follow me, please.

- So, what did we think of the show?
- Loved it. Thought it was really nice.

Me, too. High quality entertainment.

Yeah, well, I'm going to come
right out and say it's a, you know,

that to me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest playwright
this country has turned out

since...since William Shakespeare.

That's a hell of a statement, Stu.

Well, I'm going to go one further, Gordon.
To me, Jeffrey Archer delivers.

Oh, the guy can write, no question.

Delivers, does he?

- I beg your pardon, Jill?
- Come on, darling. You know what he means.

No, it's all right. Thank you, Gordon.
I can fight my own battles.

What he delivers, Jill,
to my mind, is quality drama.

Okay, it's a little dangerous.

Okay, it's not something that your average
joe punter is going to find all that accessible,

but in the market he's working to, he delivers,

and Gordon will tell you that
that's a compliment I use very sparingly indeed.

It's true actually, Jill. It's true.

Stuart is not the kind of man
to bandy the word "deliver" around the place.

- Yeah, well. Thank you, Gordon.
- I thought the sets were marvellous.

They were really clever. Weren't they, poppet?

Yeah, and the costumes, they were fantastic.

Sorry, they were wearing suits, weren't they?

Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer
is so strongly seen, in his observation.

He's observed that in an office

a large number of people wear suits.
Isn't that right, Gordon?

- Absolutely, Stu.
- Yeah, well, you see, he's observed that, you see?

I mean, the guy's got an eye for detail, like...

Well, there's no one like him in my book.

To be fair to myself, Stu,

I had observed
that people in offices wear suits, too.

No, no. No, you hadn't, Gordon.

You see, you can only say that
after you've seen the play.

If I'd asked you before the play,
you know, what people wear in offices,

you wouldn't have had a clue.

I think I would have said suits.

- No, you wouldn't, Gordon.
- I think I would.

- No, you wouldn't!
- I would. I would!

Hold up. Now, wait a minute.

Look, that bloke came in after us
and they're taking his order.

What would you like, sir?

Crikey, yes.

Is something the matter, sir?

Well, how many lavatories have you got here?

Just one, sir. Over there.

Yes, yes, I've tried that one.

It's no good. No bloody good!

You see, the cistern, it's too close to the wall.

You can't get anything
between the cistern and the wall.

Oh, hell!

Are you ready to order, sir?

Order, yes. Well, to be perfectly honest,
I'm not awfully hungry.

Well, may I recommend the salad?

Perhaps a smoked chicken salad?
It makes a perfect light meal.

Yes, well, yes, that sounds awfully good.
Awfully good.

Tell you what, though, instead of that
I think I'll just have a glass of water.

Just a glass of water, sir?

Oh, Lord, no! No, make it a bottle!

No. Tell you what, half a dozen bottles. Hmm?

I mean, you only live once, don't you?

Very good, sir.

Oh, hell.

# Hold my legs up skyward

# For you to smell just as I would

# Leaves the carpet bare

# And never let our ears

# Be rotten

# Too late, too big

# Too wide, too comfy #

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.
I'd like to order some soup to start and...

Wait a minute.

- What?
- Good Lord.

You're Keith Bennett, aren't you?
The government minister?

- Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes.
- I thought so! I knew it!

Oh, Mr Bennett, this is wonderful.
I have to say, I'm a great admirer

- of you and your policies.
- Really?

Oh, for definite.
Can I recommend the halibut, by the way?

- It comes in a nice black butter sauce.
- Thank you.

Yeah, 'cause you steered that broadcasting bill
through the House of Commons, didn't you?

- Yes, I did, indeed.
- Brilliant, quite brilliant.

Well, I must say, this is really most gratifying.

So, you really do admire my policies?

Yeah, what, most people don't like you, then?

No, no, no, it's just that...
Well, you know what it is.

We aren't always the most
popular of people, we politicians.

Yeah, yeah. You must get used to people
calling you a complete dickhead, I suppose.

No, not exactly.

Oh, that speech you made
about de-regularising broadcasting.

I cheered for you that night, Mr Bennett.

"We must strive to offer the consumer

"a far greater range of choice.

"For too long broadcasting has been
in the grip of a small elite.

"We must expand and offer more choice!"

Good heavens.
You've remembered it word for word.

Well, it was masterly stuff, Mr Bennett. I mean...

- Oh, my God.
- What?

- Your cutlery.
- What's wrong?

A silver knife and fork. I can't believe it.

These are rather nice. They're not dirty, are they?

Oh, my...
That this should happen to you of all people.

- I am so sorry. I'll be right back.
- They were fine.

Of course.

Moulinex.

- What?
- All the way through,

I was trying to think
where I'd seen that actress before.

- She's the one in the Moulinex advert.
- Oh, that's right.

- Yes, the one about the blender.
- That's it.

What, the wife?

Sorry?

The actress who played the wife
is in some sort of advert

at the moment, is she?

Hello? Laura, wake up!

The actress in the play who was playing the wife
that we just saw tonight,

you're saying she's in an advert at the moment?

- The wife?
- Yes.

Actually, Stuart, she was playing his daughter.

Hold on. I'm probably getting her
confused with someone. Wait a minute.

There was only one woman in the play, Stuart.

And she was his daughter, poppet.

That was sort of the idea
of the entire evening, Stu.

Yeah, daughter.

- What did I say?
- You said wife.

- Did I?
- Three times.

This table is definitely smaller, you know.
I mean, all those other ones...

Gor blimey!

Look, that man over there.

He's in the government, isn't he?

- Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?
- It's Keith Bennett.

Got it! Roy Hattersley, you're quite right, Gordon.

I do apologise.

Apologise for what? The fork and knife were fine.

Oh, it's very kind of you, sir,
but I absolutely insist.

What... What...

- What's this?
- Your cutlery, sir.

Cutlery? But these are plastic coffee stirrers.

Yes, I know. But at least
you've got the choice now, haven't you?

I mean, they may be complete crap,
but at least you've got the choice, haven't you?

And that's so important, isn't it? To have a choice!

You mad, disgusting bastard!

What are you doing to our television system?
What are you doing to our country?

I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!

That politician man's being strangled by a waiter.

God, I hate you! I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!

At least he's got a decent sized table.

Anyway, to return to the play,

I have to say that
although the acting was really good...

- Marvellous acting.
- Yeah.

I do think the play would have been benefited
from having a Paul Eddington in it.

- A Paul Eddington?
- Well, ideally the Paul Eddington.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah, well, you see the thing
about Paul Eddington, of course, is his timing.

- His timing is just so...
- Well, it's the timing of a master.

A friend of mine's sister
married Paul Eddington's doctor.

- You never told me that, Gordon.
- Well, you know, one doesn't like to boast.

Though, apparently...

apparently, it's well known

that Paul Eddington has
the second best timing in the business

after Nigel Havers.

What is timing, exactly?

Well, timing, it's...
It's a bit difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,

but timing is basically
the magic ingredient that Paul Eddington's got.

Well, what is it?

Yes, I'd like to know that, too, I must say.

I know your doctor's brother-in-law.

How nice.

Yes, well, we were just explaining to our wives

that, well, you've got amongst
the best timing in show business.

Ah, well. After Nigel Havers.

Yes. Come on, level with us, Paul,

would you class your timing as good,

very good, extremely good, or immaculate?

Well...

Hello, look, excuse me, everyone.

Sorry to bother you and all that sort of filth.

But... Oh, nearly forgot. Long live freedom.

No, the thing is, there's a bomb.

Yeah, I know. Rotten, isn't it?

No, the thing is, it is about to go off, so...

I don't know, you might like to leave.

- That's right. This way. Yes.
- Yes, yes.

This way. This way. This way, please.

Oh, crikey, my bill.

You know, I think they like me.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, now that...
Ah, now, yes.

I wonder if you recognise that
from Where Eagles Dare.

There's a scene in Where Eagles Dare where, ha,

where Richard Burton
is pretending to be a German agent.

When, in actual fact, what he's doing is,
he's trying to find out

the names of all the German agents
working in England.

And the funny thing is,
you see, that happened to me the other day.

- It did?
- Yes, it did. Yes.

It's funny 'cause things from films
are always happening to me. There was...

Do you know the scene in WarGames

where the scientist calls the Air Force general
a pig-eyed sack of shit?

That happened to me.
Someone called me that the other day.

And Fatal Attraction.

I almost sued when that came out.
I mean, that could have been made about me!

It's incredible.

You were persecuted
by a one-night stand, were you?

No, no, no. Don't be silly. No.

I went to bed with Glenn Close, though.

- That's ridiculous.
- Yes, it is ridiculous, yes.

Went to bed with Michael Douglas.

- You went to bed with Michael Douglas?
- Well, in a sense.

In what sense?

Completely made-up, untrue sense.

Yes. Well, I've been to bed
with Michael Douglas in that sense.

- Really?
- Well, nibbled his toes.

What was it like?

- Great. He was very sensitive and caring.
- Really?

But I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
a really true thing

that actually did happen to me,
and this is rather interesting.

I was sprawled in bed
with Kathleen Turner and David Vine,

when suddenly,
the most remarkable thing happened...

Immaculate, I'd say.