A Bit of Fry and Laurie (1987–1995): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

No.

Hello, how do you do?

Oh, my...

my wife wears the trousers.
No question, no question.

But we're hoping to get a second
pair sometime later, you see.

My ideal woman.

Really, in a TR4.

Lavatories. Love them or loathe
them, they're here to stay.

We use them, we lavish
our affection on them.

We clean them, polish them.

Some of us spend up to
half our lives in them.



We read specialist lavatory magazines,
spend money on the latest models

with air conditioning,
stereos and two-speed wipers.

Some of us even race them.

- No, no, no, no.
- What?

- Cars.
- Hmm?

You mean cars, not lavatories.

Oh, yes.

Sorry.

Cars. How much do
we know about them?

We sit in them once
a day and trust them

to carry our effluent away
safely, cleanly, efficiently.

Whether they're porcelain,
plastic or fibreglass,

lever or button flush...

No, no, no, no, no.



- Hmm?
- No, you... Lavatories.

You mean lavatories.

Oh, yes.

The beginnings of the modern
lavatory were humble enough.

In 1793, Johannes
Krell of Leipzig

constructed the first simple
metal cabinet using inert gases

condensing to chill the cabinet
to three degrees centigrade.

The first dew bin or salad
crisper started to appear...

No, no, no, no, no.

- Fridges.
- Huh?

You mean fridges now. You're
talking about fridges.

Fridges, like them or loathe
them, you can't ignore them.

Everyone's talking
about fridges.

Whether you're buying
or selling a property,

sooner or later you'll come
in contact with a fridge.

Their commission is an important
part of your house buying...

- No, no, no, no, no.
- What?

Estate agents. You're
talking about estate agents.

Estate agents. You can't live with
them, you can't live with them.

With their jangling keys,
nasty suits, revolting beards,

moustaches and
tinted spectacles,

estate agents roam the land
causing perturbation and despair.

If you try and kill them,
you're put in prison.

If you try and talk
to them, you vomit.

There's only one thing
worse than an estate agent,

but that at least can be safely
lanced, drained and surgically dressed.

Estate agents. Love them or loathe
them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.

- Is that right?
- Yes, fine, fine.

Simon Flituris, you saw that sketch.
I assume you were disappointed.

Yes, I thought it was
predictable, really.

You predicted it, did you?

Yes,
I predicted it. It's pretty predictable.

Uh, I thought the choice
of targets was predictable.

- Yeah, estate agents?
- Where?

The target of that last
sketch was estate agents.

Was it? I didn't
really notice.

I thought the choice of
language was also predictable.

Yes, I think English was a sadly
predictable language to have chosen.

Which is a shame.

It is a shame,
especially if you don't speak it.

A bigger shame if you do.

But I suppose we predicted it.

I suppose so. Can you predict
what the next sketch will be?

Oh, a parody of Treasure
Island, bound to be.

So, Miss Talliot, you are seriously
asking the court to believe

that on the 14th of
November last year,

the very night, I
would remind the court,

on which the crime that my client
is accused of committing took place,

you just happened to
be walking in the park.

- That is correct.
- That is what?

- Correct.
- Oh, it is correct, is it?

I see. I wonder, Miss Talliot,
whether you were aware

that the American
novelist Gertrude Stein

was a self-confessed lesbian.

Well, I believe so.

You believe so. Miss Talliot...

Gertrude Stein remains one of the most
celebrated novelists of the 20th century.

Her lesbotic tendencies are
a matter of public record.

- Yes.
- Yes.

But you only believe
that she is a lesbian.

Well, I've never really
thought about it.

- I've never read any of her works.
- Oh, come, come, Miss Talliot.

There is, not two streets
away from your flat,

a bookshop where the works of
Gertrude Stein are openly on display.

- Oh.
- Yes, oh.

And you are asking
this jury to believe

that on the numerous
occasions upon which you must,

during the course of your duties
as a woman, have passed this shop

while shopping, for example,

you have never
entered its premises

and bought a single volume by
this openly lesbicious writer?

Mr Foley,
I'm afraid I really fail to see

where this line of
questioning is leading us.

Well, with Your Lordship's
permission, I am trying to establish

that this witness
has been guilty

of weaving a transparent
tissue of farragoes,

a catalogue of litanies,

and that far from being the respectable
president of a children's charity

and ambassador's daughter that my learned
friend, the council for the prosecution

would have us believe,
she is, in fact,

an active, promiscuous
and voracious lesbite.

I see, well, carry on.

But, Mr Foley, I must warn you
that if you attempt to ballyrag

or bulldoze this witness, I
shall take a very dim view of it.

Your Lordship is most pretty.

Very well, then.
You may proceed.

Are you aware, Miss Talliot...

It's Mrs, actually.

Oh, oh, I do beg your pardon.

Oh, well, if you wish to
make such a meal of it,

I, for one,
shall certainly not stand in your way,

Mrs Talliot,
if that is how you prefer to be known.

Well, it's how my husband
prefers me to be known.

Ah, yes, your husband.

- Your husband, the well-known bishop.
- Yes.

Yes, a bishop in the religion, the Church
of England, I believe it calls itself,

which owns land. Much land.

Land on which houses
have been built.

Houses in which it is
statistically probable

that private acts of lesboid
love have been committed.

Mr Foley, I feel that once
again I must rein you in.

I myself am a member of
this selfsame church.

Are we to imply from the tenor of
your thrusts that I am a lesbian?

- No, no, Your Lordship misunderstands me.
- Well, I hope so.

I hope the day is
very far distant

on which I could ever be accused
of making love to a woman.

I absolutely adore
Your Lordship.

Attraction to women, however repellent
as it may be to persons of sensibility,

is not in itself a crime.

No, I long to nestle between
Your Lordship's thighs.

We must therefore remember, Mr Foley,
in our enthusiasm to get to this bottom,

that Miss Talliot is not
on trial. She is a witness.

However depraved and
wicked her acts of lust,

they, in all their disgusting
and depraved bestiality,

are not in themselves the
subject of this assize.

Your Lordship is
adorable, m'lord.

Very well. Proceed.

Thank you, m'love. Now, I do
not propose, Miss Talliot,

to burden the jury
with any more details

of your sordid and disreputable
erotic career than is necessary.

I merely wish to know, for
my own private elucidation,

how it is that you
expect a British jury

to believe the testimony of a
monstrous bull-dyke of your standing

against that of a
respectable businessman.

I am merely
reporting what I saw.

What you saw? What you saw
through eyes dimmed with lust.

What you saw maddened by the noxious
juices of your notorious practices.

What I saw on my way back from
the parish council meeting.

Is it not a fact, Miss Toilet,

that the words "parish council"
are an infamous anagram

of the words "lispian crouch"?

- Oh...
- You hesitate, Miss Talliot.

- Well, I...
- You stand condemned out of your own soiled

- and contaminated mind.
- I...

- No further questions.
- Well...

No further questions.
Thank you, Mrs Talliot.

You may stand down, Mr Lesbian.

Oh.

Will you be in for
tea tonight, Jeremy?

Certainly, Mother. Call
Sir Anthony Known-Bender.

Simon Flituris, you saw that sketch.
What did you think was going on there?

Well, you know, again I thought this
was a very trite, rather predictable.

I don't know what the word is
you'd use to describe it really.

- Squib?
- Sort of, yes.

Spoof, guying, take-off,
pastiche, parody.

What did you think of the
two central performances?

I'd have welcomed them.

I liked the clever and
original use of words.

- Thank you.
- Not at all.

Your clever and
original use of words

have recently been gathered
in a book form, I understand.

- That's right.
- Yes. Well received?

You know how critics are. I mean, what
do they know about the work we do?

Quite so. Quietly so,
quietly so-ington. Yes.

Now, to return to this spoof called squib,
pastiche, parody, guying of conventions,

my main worry was that it
didn't tell us anything

about the relationship between
the two main characters.

I think that's very
neatly put indeed.

I mean, where were the truths about
relationships in England today,

this afternoon, here, now,
today, this evening, now?

- You couldn't see them from where I was lying.
- No, I hated it.

- So, 2 out of 10 for trying, then.
- That's right.

- Yeah, it just wasn't your cup of tea.
- No, no, that's my cup of tea.

- No, that's mine, actually.
- Oh.

Where's mine?

He used to come round

on the first January
of every month,

and then just pass out
again, straight away.

Rumbelows of the Bailey.

Trigonometry was my favourite,
especially the blonde one.

No, actually, I shouldn't really be wearing
these 'cause these are my eating glasses.

Sorry I'm late, sorry.
Uh, I've kept you waiting.

That's rude of me, sorry. Okay.

Right, now, let's get cracking.

Who's had a chance to look at
Romeo and Juliet since last week?

Anybody? No, uh, well, I know you've
all been busy, difficult to make time.

But anybody at all?

No, okay, good, right, so
you're all coming to it fresh.

That's probably better in
fact. In fact, well done, good.

Right,
first of all this is Mr Lewis.

He's just popped in to
see how we're all getting on.

Just ignore him. Well, don't
ignore him but, you know.

Well, here's an interesting one. I
wonder who can tell me what ignore means?

Anyone tell me
what ignore means?

Nobody, right, okay.

Ignore means not to pay too much attention
to something. Not to be all that...

Tony, wake up. Thanks.

Not to be all that
bothered by something.

If you like, Tony was ignoring me
just then, okay, so that's ignore.

Who'd like me to right it down?

Should we write it down? Hands up,
who'd like me to write it down? Ignore.

No one. Okay, so we're happy with
ignore. Good, all right then.

Oh!

Yeah. Uh, Rosie,

it's B-A-S-T-A-R-D.

Yeah? Otherwise, good.

Right, now, Romeo and Juliet.

What do you think? Should we talk
about it first and then read it or...

I mean, hands up, who'd
like to talk about it first?

No one, okay, well, I agree. Let's just get
straight in and read it, for heaven's sake.

Always like to get them
involved as soon as possible.

Okay, so Romeo and Juliet. Do we have a
Juliet? Who'd like to read Juliet? Anybody?

Anybody like to...

What about a Romeo? We've got to
have a Romeo, yeah? Couple of Romeos.

Maybe one Romeo, eh?

No. Okay, fine. I'll read them both
'cause then you can get a chance to...

This is Juliet speaking, right.

"Wilt thou be gone? it
is not yet near day;

"It was the nightingale,
not the lark,

"That pierced the fearful
hollow of thine ear;

"Nightly she sings on
yon pomegranate-tree;

"Believe me, love, it
was the nightingale."

This is Romeo now.

"It was the lark that heralded the morn,
No nightingale;

look, love, what envious streaks

"Do lace the severing
clouds in yonder east."

Okay, now. Phew.

Right, having heard that,
from what you just heard,

what relevance do you think Romeo
and Juliet has to today's Britain?

Who thinks its got
any relevance at all?

No one. Okay, right. So we
think it's irrelevant, do we?

Ah! Interesting, right, so nobody...
We don't think it's relevant.

We don't think it's
irrelevant either, yeah?

It's sort of in between, yeah?
It's in a kind of grey area.

Now, that's interesting.
Good. Well done.

So why do you think Shakespeare wrote
something that was in a grey area?

What did he mean by it?
Did he mean anything by it?

Maybe he was just being
stupid. Who thinks that?

Hands up those people who think
Shakespeare was being stupid?

No, so, all right. That was
stupid, no... I was being stupid.

So we don't think Shakespeare was stupid,
but he was writing in a grey area. Why?

All right,
while you all think about that one,

I'm just going to come
out with an opinion.

And it is just an opinion, so you
can all shout me down as usual.

And that is that Romeo
and Juliet is about love.

We have love, we do love in today's
Britain, so Romeo and Juliet therefore

isn't, wasn't, irrelevant.

Well, what do you think about
that? Anybody agree with that?

Right, no, so nobody agrees with it,
but did anyone find it helpful at all?

Nobody. Right, no, you're right.

I was being unhelpful there.
That's stupid of me, I shouldn't...

I've just got... I've just clouded
the whole issue now. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just
holding you back.

Well, who'd like me to stay?

I mean, hands up those people who'd
like me to stay. Would you like me to...

No one. Right, I... No, I
agree. I agree. You're right.

I'm sorry.

You know, until you've been there, you
haven't got any idea what it's like.

I should think. I don't
know. I've never been there.

Jack Lemmon and Walter
Mitty, I like them.

Oh, I can remember exactly what I
was doing when I heard the news.

I was listening to the news.

Well, I mean, you've been
through enough, haven't you?

- I know.
- Well, that's right.

Mind you,
my life hasn't been easy either.

No, not easy, no, no.

I hate it when things
go wrong, don't you?

- Oh, I hate it.
- I know.

I hate it. Mind you, of course,
sometimes things go right, don't they?

- And I like that.
- I like that.

Yes, it's better than
when things go wrong.

Well, I mean, of course
it is, of course it is.

- Yeah, still.
- I know.

- Well, I mean, you can't give up.
- No.

You can't eat
money, I always say.

I say that! I always say that.

- I know, me, too.
- Still, still.

- Well, I mean, I know.
- That's it.

Well, I mean, for goodness
sake, of course it is.

Well, I mean, it's absolutely
bound and certain to be.

That's it. I know.

As if it could be
anything else other than it.

That's it. That's completely
and dreadfully the whole point.

- You're right.
- I know.

- So right.
- Oh, God, I know.

I know, I know.

Oh, well, of course you do.
I mean, of course you know.

Well, that's right, isn't it?

- Of course it is, of course it is.
- Yes, yes, oh, yes, that's it.

- Oh, yes!
- Yes, still, eh, mind you.

- Well, I mean, anyway.
- Well, of course you mean anyway.

- I mean, what.
- I mean, of course you do.

Well, there you go, you see?

Well, of course I go there.
Where else would I go?

- Well, that's it, I mean, where else?
- Yes, but, I mean, where?

I mean, shut up, that's it!

I mean, sod right off, for
God's sake, I'm sure it's it!

Go and slice little bits off yourself and
eat them. Of course you're right. That's it!

Then just quite simply shut up and
never speak again. Of course I am!

- That's it, you see!
- I know, I know!

- That's it!
- Oh, please, please be quiet!

Oh, drink sick. You
are so, so right!

- I'm right!
- You are so, so, so right!

- I know!
- God, I hate you, you are so right!

Well, I mean, of course you
do! Of course you hate me!

- You make me retch!
- I know I do!

Well, that's it, you see. The sight
of you makes my skin fall off!

Yes, yes, that's
it! You've got it!

- God, I want to kill you!
- I know, I know!

- Still.
- Still.

- Eh.
- I mean, eh.

- Anyway.
- I know.

- Well, there you are, you see.
- Well, that's it.

- I know, yeah.
- Eh?

Well, Mr Everard, thanks for
agreeing to be with us today.

- Pleasant journey down, I hope.
- Uh, not pleasant exactly, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that. What...

Sorry, sorry, I
just want to say,

this sketch that we are doing now is
my absolute favourite one of all time.

I just love this one.

Now, watch what Stephen does
in this 'cause it's fantastic.

He is brilliant in it. Sorry,
anyway, sorry, carry on.

Um, so not a pleasant
journey down?

Uh, no, no. Not pleasant at all.

Now... Now, just...

watch the way he does this next bit 'cause
it's brilliant, it's just brilliant.

Go on, it's fantastic.

Oh, dear.

"Oh, dear."

Well, I can't do it as well as he
can do it, but it's just fantastic.

"Oh, dear." I just love
it. Brilliant. Sorry.

So was it the weather
or the traffic or something?

Er... no.

- No?
- No, now, now, ah, this, this...

Yes, this...

This next line coming up is my favourite
line in the whole thing. This is brilliant.

Just watch the way he does this,
this is fantastic. This coming up.

No, no, I was murdered at
a petrol station on the A1.

Now, listen, listen,
listen to this. Listen.

I beg your pardon?

Sorry, it's the next one, it's
the next line. It's not that one.

Uh, yes, yes, I was murdered.

Murdered? Who by?

No, no, it's not that one either. It's
coming up, it's coming up, honestly.

Yes, I was stabbed through
the heart by a civil servant.

Stabbed through...

Killed me stone dead.

- Then what are you doing...
- This is it, this is what... Listen, listen.

Then what are you doing
sitting here in my office?

Then what are you doing...

That is... Oh dear,
oh dear, oh dear.

Actually, he didn't do
it very well that time.

He has done it better than that,
honestly.

But it's great, though,
isn't it? Fantastic.

Martin, limp thoughts?

- None whatsoever.
- I thought not. Care to make some up for me?

Well, this chair is soft,
certainly.

Very soft?

No, no, it falls short of being very soft. But,
of course, if you look underneath we find...

- The floor.
- The floor, precisely.

Does the floor work for you?

No, it doesn't work,
it doesn't work.

- The floor doesn't work for me, no, no.
- No.

- Is it a fatal floor?
- Well, precisely.

You see, the reason the floor doesn't
work is 'cause it's all on one level.

And, of course, it also falls into the
trap of being essentially self-referential.

By self-referential, you mean...

I mean to make myself sound like an
interesting and impressive person.

That ties in rather neatly.

Well, exactly. You see, I was
wondering is there a sense

in which you are not completely
squalid and pointless?

I don't think there's
a sense, no, no.

I've looked hard for one, but at the
end of it I've come up senseless.

I thought so.

And I was wondering by the same token, is
there a critical standpoint yet devised

by which you are any distance at
all from being hideously repellent?

- None whatsoever. None whatsoever.
- Now, you see, that's interesting.

- Oh dear, wasn't meant to be.
- Well, nobody's perfect.

After all, we can't
all be critics, can we?

My wife and I were thinking
of going to Ireland personally

to see what all the fuss is about. But we
couldn't face having all the injections.

Did you actually
know Richard Burton?

Oh, yes, yes, I knew him, yes.

Well, in as much as anyone
ever really knew Burton.

Yes, I was very
fond of the Burt.

Amazing character,
amazing character.

- Now, Elizabeth Taylor, of course...
- Well, now, Liz, you see, was a joy,

a dream, a treasure, marvellous.
If you could've seen them together.

- Did you ever?
- Oh, good Lord, yes.

Yes, as a matter of fact I was...
I was best man at their wedding.

Really? Which one?

All of them.

- Now, Gielgud and Richardson...
- Yes, they never married, of course.

No. Did you know them?

Oh, good Lord, yes, yes, I knew...
Oh, amazing characters, yes.

The Giel and the Rich used to
ask me for advice constantly.

They used to call me their guru.

Now, around this time
you must have met...

Well, just about everyone,
really. Yes, I knew everyone

and everyone knew me.

- You knew everyone?
- I knew absolutely everyone, yes.

- And everyone knew?
- Absolutely everyone knew me, yes, yes.

What did you think
of Simon Condywust?

- Simon?
- Condywust. Didn't you know him?

Oh, yes, yes, I knew him. Oh, yes,
yes, well, everyone knew the Condy.

Yes, he was an amazing
character, amazing.

What about Maureen
Limpwhippypippydodo?

Well, now, yes, she was
a fascinating woman.

Fascinated, I was fascinated by
Maureen for many, many years, yeah.

Was she an amazing character?

Well, no, she was a woman.

The men were amazing characters,
the women were fascinating.

Colin Fenchmosleythinkihave?

Oh, Lord, yes. What a character...
Yes, well, the Fench? Yes, yes.

Knew him terribly
well, terribly well.

What did you think of
Fenella Hahahahahaspuit?

Fascinating woman,
fascinating, yeah.

And what about Peter Weeeeee?

Oh, yes, well, you see...

They broke the mould
after they made Peter.

And Evelyn
Brokethemouldaftertheymadepeter?

Delightful... woman?

Angela Delightfulwoman?

Splendid chap.

Dick van Dyke?

You just made that up.

Rupert Jeremy James, I baptise
thee in the name of the Father...

No, no, no, hold on, hold on.

What's the problem?

No, you're absolutely
right. Nicholas is better.

- Yeah. Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey.
- Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey?

Oh, darling, you can't have Nicholas
Thomas, that's a very ugly rhyme.

Yeah, you're right. What
was that other one we liked?

- Timothy Nicholas Peter.
- Oh, Nicholas Timothy Peter.

- Nicholas Timothy Peter?
- Yes.

Right. Nicholas Timothy
Peter, I baptise...

It's a shame to lose the Jeremy,
though, isn't it?

I still like Duncan.

Jeremy Nicholas Duncan or
Duncan Nicholas Jeremy?

Um, I have got a
wedding in 10 minutes.

You're being paid, aren't you?

- No.
- Uh, now...

Nick's idea was Peregrine.

Oh, darling, you can't
call a baby Peregrine.

Peregrine Jeremy Nicholas?

I know it sounds silly,
but I've always loved Dick.

Um...

Now, Dirk's due for a revival.

- Duncan Dirk Dick.
- Well, it's rather fetching.

Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise thee in the name of
the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. Amen.

- There's too many D's in it.
- Yes.

- What about Tweeble?
- Oh, darling, we can't call a baby Tweeble.

Well, it's our nickname for the
little blighter, so why not?

- What about Tweeble Timothy James?
- Perfect.

- Amen.
- Tweeble Timothy James.

I'm sorry it's Duncan Dirk
Dick, I've just done it.

Well, undo it.

Undo it?

This is a holy sacrament of the Church,
not a bleeding hotel reservation.

I can't just undo it.

You're beginning to
annoy me, buster.

Look at this. What
does this say, hmm?

- Christening service.
- Yes, service, notice.

Doesn't say rudeness, doesn't say
christening rudeness, does it?

- I wasn't being rude.
- Just bear in mind

that there are plenty
of other religions.

Some of them, I may say, offering
much greater range and value.

Not to mention the
carpets. Look at this.

- So, come on, hand him over.
- Hand him over?

Yes, we'll have a look at the mosque on
Arlington Road, if it's all the same with you.

But I haven't finished
the service yet.

The rudeness, you mean? Well, you
should have thought of that before.

You can't just walk out in the middle of
a service. I mean, think of the child.

Oh, screw the child.
Haven't you heard the news?

There's a revolution going
on. Enterprise, initiative.

Those who can't trim
the fat go to the wall.

What wall?

You just don't know what
I'm talking about, do you?

I'm talking about the way you're
running this whole operation.

I mean, take this building. Look at
it. All this equity tied up for what?

Couple of weddings a
week. It's pathetic.

- It may be pathetic to you, but I assure...
- God, what I could do with a place like this.

What do you think, darling? We could
have some luxury flats up top there.

We could have the shopping
arcade along the back,

a fountain in the middle. We'd
have a brasserie here in no time.

It's really just
a criminal waste.

Look, matey, this is a
church, not a dealing room.

I'm not interested in your creepy
theories about enterprise and initiative.

This place is founded on ideas a little bit
more permanent than the Dow Jones Index.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Something a tad classier than buy
long, sell short and get into gilt.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, really.

This church is going to be here long
after your little brat has grown up,

ripped a few people off and died
unloved in his Spanish retirement villa.

Portuguese, actually. There's
no need to be so beastly.

Well, I'm sorry, but people
like you really piss me off.

All right then, mister, so what's your
pitch? What's your scam? What's your angle?

Well, look at you people, eh?

You spend all your days trying
to scrape together enough money

just so you can end your life just
wobbling your fat bottoms up and down

some Iberian beach
playing crazy golf.

But what thought... what
thought have you ever given

for making provision for
after your retirement, hmm?

After my retirement?

I'm talking about heaven.

Heaven.

Isn't that where the
Gilroys went, darling?

- Devon.
- Oh, Devon, yeah.

After a hard life, don't you think you deserve
something in the way of long-term security?

Heaven implies comfort, status,
lifestyle and peace of mind.

- Don't listen to him, pudding.
- No, no, no, give me space, give me space.

No, no, she's right,
pudding, she's right.

Think about it yourself and you should
seek out an independent spiritual adviser.

He may have something, you know.

Well, I mean, if you don't do it for
yourselves, think of Duncan Dirk Dick here.

Give him a chance to get
in on the ground floor.

Look, darling,
and no disrespect to you, Vicar,

but, darling,
what I was thinking is this.

What about a mixed portfolio,
right, whereby we spread him

through Judaism,
Islam, Hindu and so on,

while maintaining our
core investment within

the Church of England.
What do you think?

- Well, it certainly does sound safer.
- Exactly.

Right, so, Duncan Dirk
Dick, I baptise you...

But in that case, shouldn't it be
something more like Duncan Isaac Sanjay?

Duncan Abraham
Sanjay would be nice.

- Duncan Abraham Naresh?
- That's perfect, you see.

Right, baby, prayer book, font. Do
it yourselves, I'm off for a slash.

Feet? Yeah, they're all right. You know,
if you just want to get from A to B.

Hi, or if you prefer, hello.

This week, as I'm sure most
of you have been aware,

has been Swiss week on BBC2.

We've had a rip-snorting
season of Swiss films on show

as well as some very
exciting Swiss opera.

I know for a fact that all of you
enjoyed Floyd on Fondu last night

and David Icke's interview
with the Swiss ambassador

was never very far
from being interesting.

But one thing that we feel
has been rather lacking

from the season has been a
celebration of Swiss comedy.

Well, Hugh and I would like to put
that right before the week closes

and present to you our very own
version of the classic Swiss sketch,

"Heidi and Johann
Smell Just Right."