A.P. Bio (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Episode #3.8 - full transcript
While the rest of the town prepares for the celebration of Toledo's annual Katie Holmes Day, Jack and Marissa plot to ruin the holiday pageant.
(SOFT MUSIC)
The gifted young lady
didn't know what to do.
Should she fly off to Hollywood
for the big audition?
Or should she stay in Toledo
for a high-school production
of "Damn Yankees?"
So she asked her father.
And her father replied,
"What do you think
is the right decision?"
And she answered...
ALL: I think I made a commitment...
So I probably can't break that.
Yes, children!
But what
about the big audition?
Why, she taped it herself
and mailed it off
to Los Angeles.
Eh, it was a long shot.
But if you don't dream...
ALL: You'll never know
if your dreams can happen.
And when Kevin Williamson
from the WB received the tape,
he knew he had found his star.
And the tomboy,
best-friend role
of little Joey Potter
on "Dawson's Creek"
would be played
by Toledo's very own
Katie Holmes.
ALL: Yay!
(RAMONES "LISTEN TO MY HEART")
One, two, three, four!
♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
Good morning, Whitlock,
and a happy Katie Holmes
Day Eve to you all.
Tomorrow night
the city of Toledo
will hold the annual
Katie Holmes Day Pageant.
Please donate any items you
can for the rummage sale.
All proceeds go
to the local orphanage.
And as always, dream big.
Katie did.
Are you sure you want
to give your boys away?
I think they're
worth a bunch.
So who am I to keep
this from happening?
Oh.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Katie provides.
(CHUCKLES)
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)
♪ See the Katie,
hear her sing ♪
♪ In every musical,
fall and spring ♪
♪ She had a commitment
she couldn't break ♪
♪ So she sent a tape
I can't believe it's
already Katie Holmes Eve.
I barely slept last night.
- Oh, me neither!
I knutted all night.
Don't you mean knit?
Yeah, past tense.
You don't say,
"I digged a hole."
Anyway, I could not sleep.
And so I knutted for hours.
And usually when I knut, you
know, I fall straight asleep.
But I was so excited,
I just knutted again.
Sounds like me this weekend.
I don't get it.
Good morning, everybody.
Hey, where do I drop off
these donations?
Oh, I'll take those.
- Yeah?
Great.
Whoa, "Pieces of April."
- Nice.
- Oh.
Very on-brand for our
Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.
What do you mean...
No. This is a real thing?
Katie Holmes Day?
You're t... so all of Toledo
is just sort of unironically
celebrating an actress
who's face, you know,
to be quite honest,
I have trouble remembering?
She's just like a... like a...
an adorable white girl
with like a...
you know, just a face
and hair and eyes.
Yeah, that's her.
- Oh, my God.
That's right.
You've been gone 20 years.
You don't know anything
about Katie Holmes Day.
It's... it's a celebration
of... of dream and wonder.
You're gonna hate it.
Happy Katie Holmes Day Eve,
Jack.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
- Yeah.
Listen, I need the keys
to the driver's ed car.
It's the base for the float
in our Katie Holmes Day parade.
The student council
made a replica
out of papier-mâché
of the Buick
that Katie drove
in high school.
Well, you know,
the driver's ed car is a Buick,
so you could just drive that.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING)
That's so funny, Jack.
Hers was a '94
with a dent in the hood.
The 2007 Buick
does not represent
Katie's humble beginnings.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
- Okay.
A Holmes on your head.
- Nope.
- Oh.
(PHONE RINGING)
Whitlock High?
It's Mayor Wade CupsofCabbage.
I'll take it in my office.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Mayor CupsofCabbage.
Hey...
Yes, you... you want me to be
in the... in the pageant?
(MOUTHING WORDS)
Yes... yes, it would be an honor
to play Kevin Williamson,
the man who launched
Katie Holmes's career.
And I will not
let you down this time.
(PHONE RECEIVER CLATTERS)
He's giving me a second chance.
Yes!
- What if I choke?
- You can do this, Ralph.
I believe in you.
It is just one line.
It's ten words.
"Hello, Katie.
You are Joey Potter.
Welcome to 'Dawson's Creek.'"
You need to immerse yourself
in this character.
For the next 24 hours,
you're gonna be
a Hollywood slick hotshot.
I don't know.
Unless...
California Raisin.
- Oh!
I've got goose bumps!
Make me famous, Mr. Producer.
All right.
Go ahead and shut
all the way up.
Where's my garbage?
We're using it
as a bucket of fate.
Yeah, in one bucket,
there's sweet pudding,
representing
a tasty dream come true.
And in the other, a baby crab...
Its pinchers,
a stark reminder
that chasing your dreams
can hurt.
Got it.
Sweet chocolate pudding!
Papa's gonna be
a backup singer for Lizzo!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
Guys.
Ah, I got to say.
This holiday is, uh...
And I don't say this lightly...
Bonkers.
Point, counterpoint,
Mr. Griffin,
it's actually not.
Yeah.
At 8:47 tomorrow night,
you kiss someone
on the forehead
because that's when Katie had
the talk with her wise dad
which he ended
with a forehead kiss.
Right.
The entire holiday culminates
in a glorious pageant.
I've always wanted
to play Katie Holmes,
and I think this is the year.
Oh.
And we make wish lists
addressed
to Katie in Hollywood,
put them in our shoes,
and leave them
in our front porches.
And the next morning,
there's a fresh blueberry
muffin in each shoe.
So shoe muffins.
Got it.
Yeah.
And you all do this?
- Oh.
Not me.
I don't celebrate
Katie Holmes Day.
Oh, finally, a sane person.
My family celebrates
Jamie Farr Day.
My dad says that's Toledo's
original top celebrity.
So there's also a Klinger
from "MASH" holiday.
A world without
Katie Holmes Day
is a world
I don't want to live in.
I like the sound of that.
Tell me more
of these traditions.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Sorry I'm late.
- Damn, girl.
- A 55-inch flat screen TV?
- Oh...
That is gonna bring in
so much money.
Forget porridge.
Those orphans
are about to have some.
- R-r-r-r-regular soup.
- Okay!
Uh, actually, this is...
A gift from an angel.
- (EXHALES AWKWARDLY)
That is so sweet.
But it... it's not a big deal.
- And she's humble.
- Mm.
Amazing.
- Mommy Warbucks.
- Mm-hmm.
A regular Mother Toledo.
Oh.
- (CACKLING)
Yes.
Yeah... oh, good.
Very good.
Yes.
I'd like to believe
you have a genuine interest
in this beloved holiday,
but your maniacal cackling
has made me fear you're
planning something nefarious.
Your fears are...
completely founded.
Oh, I just thought
of another tradition.
It's the one where people
who don't love the holiday
just don't participate,
and let the ones that really
(BLEEP) love it enjoy it.
Can we swear now?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Oh, shut up. Shut up.
Shut up, everybody. Shut up.
(PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)
Oh, Mayor CupsofCabbage,
what a pleasant surprise.
I'm sorry.
Come again.
And a-a third time,
'cause it's insane.
I see.
(STRAINING)
I don't think
that's coming off.
That dumb-ass mayor cast me
as the lame WB assistant
in the stupid pageant
for the sixth year in a row.
Well, to be fair, you do give
off strong assistant vibes.
Just once I want to be Katie
and say the big final line.
It's bullshit.
That's one A-word,
one F-word,
and one B-S-H word.
Guys, Marissa's right,
all right?
This holiday
is a complete sham.
Mr. Griffin,
is it fair to say
that you have an especially
large chip on your shoulder
because a Toledoan
from your peer group
went on to achieve her dreams
and you're, you know, here?
No, Marcus.
My problem is that
you all believe
a doe-eyed actress can make
your dreams come true.
It doesn't work that way.
W-w-watch.
Please, Katie Holmes,
let me spend five more minutes
with my dead mother.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Did she... is she here?
My mother, is she here?
Oh, she isn't? Yeah...
No, Because it doesn't work.
Well, give her time.
She has thousands
of homes to visit.
Marissa...
we're gonna destroy
Katie Holmes Day.
Holy shit ass dick fart.
.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(ENGINE TURNING OVER)
Let's do this.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Ralph, the football team
wants real energy drinks.
They figured out that
Gatorade Clear's just water.
That's it.
A football show.
I can see it now.
- (IMITATING SPOILED DAUGHTER)
Oh, pwetty pwease,
can I be in your sports show?
(NORMAL VOICE)
I'm your spoiled daughter
that benefits
from your success.
- (IMITATING DAUGHTER) Come on.
- Oh, of course, princess.
Give me some of that sugar
that Daddy likes.
- Oh.
Mwah!
This feels like an HR trap.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh.
For reals?
An old Garfield phone?
Mary, can you believe this?
Uh, I cannot, Stephanie.
Considering this queen
right here
just donated a flat screen TV
for the Katie Holmes Day
rummage sale.
I think the phone's fun.
- Hello, Garfield?
Oh, well, it's me, an orphan.
Oh, you love lasagne?
Funny.
I've never had lasagne,
and I never will
because we didn't raise
any damn money
with your sorry-ass phone.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, and I am encouraged.
Who's next?
- Do me.
Do me!
I brought stained Tupperware.
Ooh.
Give it to me.
- (IMITATING SPOILED DAUGHTER)
You said I'd be a star.
You lied to me, Daddy.
- It was never you.
It was these pills!
(SOBBING)
- Hey.
Can you sign off on payroll?
Intern, you're the star now.
Not sure
what this is, but...
I am in.
Step aside, sister.
(OLD-FASHIONED VOICE) ♪ Well,
it's a big old trolley ♪
♪ Coming around the bend
And feast your peepers
on something you never had...
Talent!
(CACKLES)
Faster.
(CACKLING)
BOTH: Ha ha! Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, who we got up next?
- (CHUCKLES)
I drew this.
It's, uh, Catty Holmes
from "Pawson's Creek."
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Oh, wow.
Dave, we love it.
- Yeah?
Really?
- This is original art.
It's really good.
We're gonna frame it
and give it directly
to the orphans
and bring a little joy
into their lives.
Really?
Both:
Hell, no! Boom!
(ALL LAUGHING)
And that is our time,
all right?
So feel free
to join us tomorrow
at the rummage sale
and come and witness
the chump change
that your crappy-ass donations
will surely bring in.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Ooh, ooh.
And stick around for our
first-ever live auction,
where you'll get
the opportunity to make a bid
on the greatest donation
of all time.
You know what it is?
All:
This TV right here!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah...
- No, no, no!
No.
Oh, I-I got it.
I-I want to carry it myself.
Uh, for the children.
Okay.
(GROANING)
Legs!
(TOM WAITS' "TELEPHONE CALL
FROM ISTANBUL")
♪ I was all night long
on the broken glass ♪
♪ Living in a medicine chest
♪ Mediteromanian hotel back
♪ Sprawled across
a roll-top desk ♪
♪ My pet old monkey
rode a blade ♪
♪ On an overhead fan
♪ They paint the donkey blue
if you pay ♪
♪ I got a telephone call
from Istanbul ♪
♪ My baby's
coming home today ♪
♪ Will you sell me
one of those ♪
♪ If I shave my head?
♪ "Get me out of town"
is what Fireball said ♪
♪ Never trust a man
in a blue trench coat ♪
♪ Never drive a car
when you're dead ♪
(CACKLING)
♪ Saturday's a festival,
oh, now Saturday's a gem ♪
(BOTH CACKLING)
♪ Follow me to Beulah's
on Dry Creek Road ♪
♪ I got to wear the hat
that my baby done sewed ♪
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
- Good morning, Whitlock.
In honor of Katie Holmes Day,
I am going to climb in
through this window,
just like Katie did
on "Dawson's Creek."
So...
here we go.
Okay.
Oh.
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
Ah.
Ow, my keys!
Oh, God.
Okay.
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, my God.
(GRUNTS)
Well, I come bearing bad news.
The school's Buick float
for the Katie Day parade
has been stolen.
So, instead, I ask all of you
to walk in the parade
arm in arm.
Let's make tonight the best
Katie Holmes Day pageant ever!
Well, looks like someone
unwittingly made
the holiday
even more heartwarming.
- Oh, don't worry.
There's so much more coming.
Last night my shoes
were stolen from my porch.
And lo, not two,
but three muffins.
No, no.
No, you said that you put
the wishes in the shoes,
and then Katie turns
the wishes into muffins.
Ergo, no shoes, no muffins.
- (DISTANTLY)
♪ See the Katie
♪ Hear her sing
- ♪ And every musical.
- Yo.
The jug band's
singing a capella.
They sound smooth as hell.
Jug, you know that new sound
you've been looking for?
Well, listen to this.
Another miracle.
Mr. Griffin, may we go bask
in their newfound glory?
Feel free to leave my class
at any time for any reason.
♪
We took everything,
and the day came.
It came just the same.
I'm gonna have
to play WB assistant
and say that stupid line
the rest of my life.
What exactly is your line?
"Mr. Williamson
will see you now."
So, if Katie doesn't meet
with Mr. Williamson,
then her dreams
don't come true, and...
if her dreams
don't come true...
Then there's no
Katie Holmes Day.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
Yeah.
- Well, hey, now.
We all know why we're here.
Please give it up
for Michelle Patricia Jones
and her donation of...
all:
This TV right here!
(ALL CHEERING)
- (SIGHS)
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
We will start
the bidding at $500.
Ooh, okay.
We have $500.
Now do I see a $550?
$550 from Where's Waldo
over there.
And, Waldo, hey.
I see you, okay?
$550 going once.
Going twice...
$600!
Okay... ladies and gentlemen,
I do not believe this.
But this queen right here
is bidding on her own donation!
$700!
$750!
$1,000!
(CROWD MURMURING)
$1,000 of my own money.
Both:
Sold!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(MUTTERING ANGRILY)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
A blessed day.
I just bought
this holiday classic
at the rummage sale.
And much to my surprise,
the tape inside...
It's an old home video.
Might you have the movie
I so graciously purchased
for $1.50?
Nope.
Now, if you could so graciously
get out of my way,
I've got a pageant to destroy.
Wait a minute.
That's no way to speak
to a fellow Toledoan
on Katie Holmes Day.
- Okay, you big baby man.
You want your money?
There's your money.
I don't want money.
I want "Pieces of April."
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
Hey, how'd you know where I...
live?
(GRUNTS)
Hi, Jacky.
I just wanted
to wish you good luck
at the science fair
tomorrow.
And I am so sorry
that I'm going to missing it.
I want you to know that you
are a brilliant, talented,
beautiful boy.
And I have no doubt that
you're going to do great.
And you'll definitely beat
that bullying mouth-breather
Greg Miller.
I mean, he's probably gonna
present another potato clock.
- (LAUGHING)
He did.
I'm so proud of you.
I love you, Jacky.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
I'll be damned.
You gave me five more minutes
with my mom.
(UPLIFTING MUSIC)
It's all real.
I got to save Katie Holmes Day.
.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So that was Katie's bedroom
right up there.
- Up there?
- Yeah.
- Hey, yo, yo, yo.
Here they come.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Here they come.
Please stop.
The Holmes family
no longer lives here.
We are the Goodmans.
All:
If we knew this would happen,
we never would have
bought this house.
Seriously, stop!
Please don't put us
through this again.
My condition has worsened.
Please, go away!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
- All right.
Coming through, everybody.
(LAUGHS)
Happy Katie Holmes Day.
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING,
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Okay, this is it.
You got this.
There's no Durbin.
It's only Kevin.
Hi, I'm Katie Holmes.
I'm here to meet
with Mr. Williamson.
Mr. Williamson will...
Not see you right now.
He's out.
(CROWD GASPING, EXCLAIMING)
All right, coming through,
coming through.
All right, here we go.
Coming through, guys.
- Watch it.
- Okay, coming through.
But we have a meeting.
- Mm, he's at lunch.
Go back home.
But I think I can see him.
Oh, ring, ring.
Hello.
Mm.
- Actually I just found out.
- Uh...
Kevin Williamson's dead.
(CROWD GASPS, EXCLAIMS)
"Dawson's Creek" is canceled.
Bah-bye.
- Marissa, why?
- Don't do this!
Let her meet him!
- (GRUNTS)
Hello, everybody.
Yeah... no, I'm, um...
I'm Mr. Williamson's doctor.
And he's very much alive.
And, yeah, he's ready
to meet Katie.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Ring, ring.
Oh.
Just found out.
I'm the boss of Hollywood now.
And my first act as queen
is to banish Katie Holmes.
Please reconsider,
Your Highness!
So, look, I've been trying
to ruin Katie Holmes Day.
(CROWD MURMURING)
I ran around all of last night
stealing children's shoes.
Wow, it sounds insane
when I say it out loud.
Uh, but worst of all,
I convinced this sweet,
young girl here to st...
No, not you.
I don't why she's... I don't...
I don't even know you.
Yeah... no, I-I convinced
Marissa here
to stop believing
in her dreams.
Then I experienced the magic
of Katie Holmes Day myself.
You know, I had a dream,
and my dream came true.
And... and sure, you know.
Big dreams can be a bit
of a mirage, you know?
Often planted
in our capitalist minds
by greedy corporations who...
You're losing us!
Bottom line, um,
Marissa's dream has always been
to play Katie Holmes.
And you think
it would be all right
if Marissa said the final line?
Oh, that's great.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, Mr. Williamson,
your 3:00 is here.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Katie, you are Joey Potter.
Welcome to "Dawson's Creek."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
He did it.
The sweet son of a bitch
did it.
Mr. Williamson,
I have something to tell you.
When the camera is rolling,
I'll be this Joey Potter.
But when you say "cut,"
I will return to and always be.
Toledo's very own
Katie Holmes.
♪ I don't want to wait
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ For our lives to be over
♪ I want to know right now
- Hey, everyone look!
It's 8:47!
♪ I don't want to wait
♪ For our lives to be over
Mwah!
Aww.
Oh.
- Hey.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(VOCALIZING)
Oh.
Oh!
Mom, this year
can you kiss my forehead?
Eat your beans.
♪ On the rainy front step
♪ Wearing shrapnel
in his skin ♪
I hoped
you'd come around to it.
But I didn't think you'd make
it a whole holiday special.
Just...
(LAUGHS)
♪ Lives inside him still
♪ It's so hard to be
gentle and warm ♪
♪ The years passed by
♪ And now he has
granddaughters ♪
♪ I don't want to wait
for our lives... ♪
Katie continued,
"When you say 'cut, ' I will
return to and always be.
Toledo's very own
Katie Holmes."
"Granted, I won't always be
playing Joey Potter.
"So, when I'm doing
another character,
"the same rule applies.
"When the camera's rolling,
I am that character.
"But when they yell 'cut, '
I'm Katie Holmes
from Toledo, Ohio!"
(BOOK CLOSES)
Okay, orphans.
Off to bed.
And tomorrow we'll be enjoying
a feast of muffins,
thanks to a large
amount of money.
Whitlock High School
raised for us.
ALL: Yay!
(UPBEAT HOLIDAY MUSIC)
The gifted young lady
didn't know what to do.
Should she fly off to Hollywood
for the big audition?
Or should she stay in Toledo
for a high-school production
of "Damn Yankees?"
So she asked her father.
And her father replied,
"What do you think
is the right decision?"
And she answered...
ALL: I think I made a commitment...
So I probably can't break that.
Yes, children!
But what
about the big audition?
Why, she taped it herself
and mailed it off
to Los Angeles.
Eh, it was a long shot.
But if you don't dream...
ALL: You'll never know
if your dreams can happen.
And when Kevin Williamson
from the WB received the tape,
he knew he had found his star.
And the tomboy,
best-friend role
of little Joey Potter
on "Dawson's Creek"
would be played
by Toledo's very own
Katie Holmes.
ALL: Yay!
(RAMONES "LISTEN TO MY HEART")
One, two, three, four!
♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
Good morning, Whitlock,
and a happy Katie Holmes
Day Eve to you all.
Tomorrow night
the city of Toledo
will hold the annual
Katie Holmes Day Pageant.
Please donate any items you
can for the rummage sale.
All proceeds go
to the local orphanage.
And as always, dream big.
Katie did.
Are you sure you want
to give your boys away?
I think they're
worth a bunch.
So who am I to keep
this from happening?
Oh.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Katie provides.
(CHUCKLES)
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC)
♪ See the Katie,
hear her sing ♪
♪ In every musical,
fall and spring ♪
♪ She had a commitment
she couldn't break ♪
♪ So she sent a tape
I can't believe it's
already Katie Holmes Eve.
I barely slept last night.
- Oh, me neither!
I knutted all night.
Don't you mean knit?
Yeah, past tense.
You don't say,
"I digged a hole."
Anyway, I could not sleep.
And so I knutted for hours.
And usually when I knut, you
know, I fall straight asleep.
But I was so excited,
I just knutted again.
Sounds like me this weekend.
I don't get it.
Good morning, everybody.
Hey, where do I drop off
these donations?
Oh, I'll take those.
- Yeah?
Great.
Whoa, "Pieces of April."
- Nice.
- Oh.
Very on-brand for our
Katie Holmes Day rummage sale.
What do you mean...
No. This is a real thing?
Katie Holmes Day?
You're t... so all of Toledo
is just sort of unironically
celebrating an actress
who's face, you know,
to be quite honest,
I have trouble remembering?
She's just like a... like a...
an adorable white girl
with like a...
you know, just a face
and hair and eyes.
Yeah, that's her.
- Oh, my God.
That's right.
You've been gone 20 years.
You don't know anything
about Katie Holmes Day.
It's... it's a celebration
of... of dream and wonder.
You're gonna hate it.
Happy Katie Holmes Day Eve,
Jack.
- (ALL CHUCKLING)
- Yeah.
Listen, I need the keys
to the driver's ed car.
It's the base for the float
in our Katie Holmes Day parade.
The student council
made a replica
out of papier-mâché
of the Buick
that Katie drove
in high school.
Well, you know,
the driver's ed car is a Buick,
so you could just drive that.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- (LAUGHING)
That's so funny, Jack.
Hers was a '94
with a dent in the hood.
The 2007 Buick
does not represent
Katie's humble beginnings.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
- Okay.
A Holmes on your head.
- Nope.
- Oh.
(PHONE RINGING)
Whitlock High?
It's Mayor Wade CupsofCabbage.
I'll take it in my office.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
Mayor CupsofCabbage.
Hey...
Yes, you... you want me to be
in the... in the pageant?
(MOUTHING WORDS)
Yes... yes, it would be an honor
to play Kevin Williamson,
the man who launched
Katie Holmes's career.
And I will not
let you down this time.
(PHONE RECEIVER CLATTERS)
He's giving me a second chance.
Yes!
- What if I choke?
- You can do this, Ralph.
I believe in you.
It is just one line.
It's ten words.
"Hello, Katie.
You are Joey Potter.
Welcome to 'Dawson's Creek.'"
You need to immerse yourself
in this character.
For the next 24 hours,
you're gonna be
a Hollywood slick hotshot.
I don't know.
Unless...
California Raisin.
- Oh!
I've got goose bumps!
Make me famous, Mr. Producer.
All right.
Go ahead and shut
all the way up.
Where's my garbage?
We're using it
as a bucket of fate.
Yeah, in one bucket,
there's sweet pudding,
representing
a tasty dream come true.
And in the other, a baby crab...
Its pinchers,
a stark reminder
that chasing your dreams
can hurt.
Got it.
Sweet chocolate pudding!
Papa's gonna be
a backup singer for Lizzo!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
Guys.
Ah, I got to say.
This holiday is, uh...
And I don't say this lightly...
Bonkers.
Point, counterpoint,
Mr. Griffin,
it's actually not.
Yeah.
At 8:47 tomorrow night,
you kiss someone
on the forehead
because that's when Katie had
the talk with her wise dad
which he ended
with a forehead kiss.
Right.
The entire holiday culminates
in a glorious pageant.
I've always wanted
to play Katie Holmes,
and I think this is the year.
Oh.
And we make wish lists
addressed
to Katie in Hollywood,
put them in our shoes,
and leave them
in our front porches.
And the next morning,
there's a fresh blueberry
muffin in each shoe.
So shoe muffins.
Got it.
Yeah.
And you all do this?
- Oh.
Not me.
I don't celebrate
Katie Holmes Day.
Oh, finally, a sane person.
My family celebrates
Jamie Farr Day.
My dad says that's Toledo's
original top celebrity.
So there's also a Klinger
from "MASH" holiday.
A world without
Katie Holmes Day
is a world
I don't want to live in.
I like the sound of that.
Tell me more
of these traditions.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Sorry I'm late.
- Damn, girl.
- A 55-inch flat screen TV?
- Oh...
That is gonna bring in
so much money.
Forget porridge.
Those orphans
are about to have some.
- R-r-r-r-regular soup.
- Okay!
Uh, actually, this is...
A gift from an angel.
- (EXHALES AWKWARDLY)
That is so sweet.
But it... it's not a big deal.
- And she's humble.
- Mm.
Amazing.
- Mommy Warbucks.
- Mm-hmm.
A regular Mother Toledo.
Oh.
- (CACKLING)
Yes.
Yeah... oh, good.
Very good.
Yes.
I'd like to believe
you have a genuine interest
in this beloved holiday,
but your maniacal cackling
has made me fear you're
planning something nefarious.
Your fears are...
completely founded.
Oh, I just thought
of another tradition.
It's the one where people
who don't love the holiday
just don't participate,
and let the ones that really
(BLEEP) love it enjoy it.
Can we swear now?
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Oh, shut up. Shut up.
Shut up, everybody. Shut up.
(PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)
Oh, Mayor CupsofCabbage,
what a pleasant surprise.
I'm sorry.
Come again.
And a-a third time,
'cause it's insane.
I see.
(STRAINING)
I don't think
that's coming off.
That dumb-ass mayor cast me
as the lame WB assistant
in the stupid pageant
for the sixth year in a row.
Well, to be fair, you do give
off strong assistant vibes.
Just once I want to be Katie
and say the big final line.
It's bullshit.
That's one A-word,
one F-word,
and one B-S-H word.
Guys, Marissa's right,
all right?
This holiday
is a complete sham.
Mr. Griffin,
is it fair to say
that you have an especially
large chip on your shoulder
because a Toledoan
from your peer group
went on to achieve her dreams
and you're, you know, here?
No, Marcus.
My problem is that
you all believe
a doe-eyed actress can make
your dreams come true.
It doesn't work that way.
W-w-watch.
Please, Katie Holmes,
let me spend five more minutes
with my dead mother.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Did she... is she here?
My mother, is she here?
Oh, she isn't? Yeah...
No, Because it doesn't work.
Well, give her time.
She has thousands
of homes to visit.
Marissa...
we're gonna destroy
Katie Holmes Day.
Holy shit ass dick fart.
.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(ENGINE TURNING OVER)
Let's do this.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Ralph, the football team
wants real energy drinks.
They figured out that
Gatorade Clear's just water.
That's it.
A football show.
I can see it now.
- (IMITATING SPOILED DAUGHTER)
Oh, pwetty pwease,
can I be in your sports show?
(NORMAL VOICE)
I'm your spoiled daughter
that benefits
from your success.
- (IMITATING DAUGHTER) Come on.
- Oh, of course, princess.
Give me some of that sugar
that Daddy likes.
- Oh.
Mwah!
This feels like an HR trap.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Oh.
For reals?
An old Garfield phone?
Mary, can you believe this?
Uh, I cannot, Stephanie.
Considering this queen
right here
just donated a flat screen TV
for the Katie Holmes Day
rummage sale.
I think the phone's fun.
- Hello, Garfield?
Oh, well, it's me, an orphan.
Oh, you love lasagne?
Funny.
I've never had lasagne,
and I never will
because we didn't raise
any damn money
with your sorry-ass phone.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, and I am encouraged.
Who's next?
- Do me.
Do me!
I brought stained Tupperware.
Ooh.
Give it to me.
- (IMITATING SPOILED DAUGHTER)
You said I'd be a star.
You lied to me, Daddy.
- It was never you.
It was these pills!
(SOBBING)
- Hey.
Can you sign off on payroll?
Intern, you're the star now.
Not sure
what this is, but...
I am in.
Step aside, sister.
(OLD-FASHIONED VOICE) ♪ Well,
it's a big old trolley ♪
♪ Coming around the bend
And feast your peepers
on something you never had...
Talent!
(CACKLES)
Faster.
(CACKLING)
BOTH: Ha ha! Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, who we got up next?
- (CHUCKLES)
I drew this.
It's, uh, Catty Holmes
from "Pawson's Creek."
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Oh, wow.
Dave, we love it.
- Yeah?
Really?
- This is original art.
It's really good.
We're gonna frame it
and give it directly
to the orphans
and bring a little joy
into their lives.
Really?
Both:
Hell, no! Boom!
(ALL LAUGHING)
And that is our time,
all right?
So feel free
to join us tomorrow
at the rummage sale
and come and witness
the chump change
that your crappy-ass donations
will surely bring in.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Ooh, ooh.
And stick around for our
first-ever live auction,
where you'll get
the opportunity to make a bid
on the greatest donation
of all time.
You know what it is?
All:
This TV right here!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Yeah...
- No, no, no!
No.
Oh, I-I got it.
I-I want to carry it myself.
Uh, for the children.
Okay.
(GROANING)
Legs!
(TOM WAITS' "TELEPHONE CALL
FROM ISTANBUL")
♪ I was all night long
on the broken glass ♪
♪ Living in a medicine chest
♪ Mediteromanian hotel back
♪ Sprawled across
a roll-top desk ♪
♪ My pet old monkey
rode a blade ♪
♪ On an overhead fan
♪ They paint the donkey blue
if you pay ♪
♪ I got a telephone call
from Istanbul ♪
♪ My baby's
coming home today ♪
♪ Will you sell me
one of those ♪
♪ If I shave my head?
♪ "Get me out of town"
is what Fireball said ♪
♪ Never trust a man
in a blue trench coat ♪
♪ Never drive a car
when you're dead ♪
(CACKLING)
♪ Saturday's a festival,
oh, now Saturday's a gem ♪
(BOTH CACKLING)
♪ Follow me to Beulah's
on Dry Creek Road ♪
♪ I got to wear the hat
that my baby done sewed ♪
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
- Good morning, Whitlock.
In honor of Katie Holmes Day,
I am going to climb in
through this window,
just like Katie did
on "Dawson's Creek."
So...
here we go.
Okay.
Oh.
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
Ah.
Ow, my keys!
Oh, God.
Okay.
Okay.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, my God.
(GRUNTS)
Well, I come bearing bad news.
The school's Buick float
for the Katie Day parade
has been stolen.
So, instead, I ask all of you
to walk in the parade
arm in arm.
Let's make tonight the best
Katie Holmes Day pageant ever!
Well, looks like someone
unwittingly made
the holiday
even more heartwarming.
- Oh, don't worry.
There's so much more coming.
Last night my shoes
were stolen from my porch.
And lo, not two,
but three muffins.
No, no.
No, you said that you put
the wishes in the shoes,
and then Katie turns
the wishes into muffins.
Ergo, no shoes, no muffins.
- (DISTANTLY)
♪ See the Katie
♪ Hear her sing
- ♪ And every musical.
- Yo.
The jug band's
singing a capella.
They sound smooth as hell.
Jug, you know that new sound
you've been looking for?
Well, listen to this.
Another miracle.
Mr. Griffin, may we go bask
in their newfound glory?
Feel free to leave my class
at any time for any reason.
♪
We took everything,
and the day came.
It came just the same.
I'm gonna have
to play WB assistant
and say that stupid line
the rest of my life.
What exactly is your line?
"Mr. Williamson
will see you now."
So, if Katie doesn't meet
with Mr. Williamson,
then her dreams
don't come true, and...
if her dreams
don't come true...
Then there's no
Katie Holmes Day.
(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
Yeah.
- Well, hey, now.
We all know why we're here.
Please give it up
for Michelle Patricia Jones
and her donation of...
all:
This TV right here!
(ALL CHEERING)
- (SIGHS)
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
We will start
the bidding at $500.
Ooh, okay.
We have $500.
Now do I see a $550?
$550 from Where's Waldo
over there.
And, Waldo, hey.
I see you, okay?
$550 going once.
Going twice...
$600!
Okay... ladies and gentlemen,
I do not believe this.
But this queen right here
is bidding on her own donation!
$700!
$750!
$1,000!
(CROWD MURMURING)
$1,000 of my own money.
Both:
Sold!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
(MUTTERING ANGRILY)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
A blessed day.
I just bought
this holiday classic
at the rummage sale.
And much to my surprise,
the tape inside...
It's an old home video.
Might you have the movie
I so graciously purchased
for $1.50?
Nope.
Now, if you could so graciously
get out of my way,
I've got a pageant to destroy.
Wait a minute.
That's no way to speak
to a fellow Toledoan
on Katie Holmes Day.
- Okay, you big baby man.
You want your money?
There's your money.
I don't want money.
I want "Pieces of April."
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
Hey, how'd you know where I...
live?
(GRUNTS)
Hi, Jacky.
I just wanted
to wish you good luck
at the science fair
tomorrow.
And I am so sorry
that I'm going to missing it.
I want you to know that you
are a brilliant, talented,
beautiful boy.
And I have no doubt that
you're going to do great.
And you'll definitely beat
that bullying mouth-breather
Greg Miller.
I mean, he's probably gonna
present another potato clock.
- (LAUGHING)
He did.
I'm so proud of you.
I love you, Jacky.
(SOMBER MUSIC)
I'll be damned.
You gave me five more minutes
with my mom.
(UPLIFTING MUSIC)
It's all real.
I got to save Katie Holmes Day.
.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So that was Katie's bedroom
right up there.
- Up there?
- Yeah.
- Hey, yo, yo, yo.
Here they come.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Here they come.
Please stop.
The Holmes family
no longer lives here.
We are the Goodmans.
All:
If we knew this would happen,
we never would have
bought this house.
Seriously, stop!
Please don't put us
through this again.
My condition has worsened.
Please, go away!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
- All right.
Coming through, everybody.
(LAUGHS)
Happy Katie Holmes Day.
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHING,
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Okay, this is it.
You got this.
There's no Durbin.
It's only Kevin.
Hi, I'm Katie Holmes.
I'm here to meet
with Mr. Williamson.
Mr. Williamson will...
Not see you right now.
He's out.
(CROWD GASPING, EXCLAIMING)
All right, coming through,
coming through.
All right, here we go.
Coming through, guys.
- Watch it.
- Okay, coming through.
But we have a meeting.
- Mm, he's at lunch.
Go back home.
But I think I can see him.
Oh, ring, ring.
Hello.
Mm.
- Actually I just found out.
- Uh...
Kevin Williamson's dead.
(CROWD GASPS, EXCLAIMS)
"Dawson's Creek" is canceled.
Bah-bye.
- Marissa, why?
- Don't do this!
Let her meet him!
- (GRUNTS)
Hello, everybody.
Yeah... no, I'm, um...
I'm Mr. Williamson's doctor.
And he's very much alive.
And, yeah, he's ready
to meet Katie.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Ring, ring.
Oh.
Just found out.
I'm the boss of Hollywood now.
And my first act as queen
is to banish Katie Holmes.
Please reconsider,
Your Highness!
So, look, I've been trying
to ruin Katie Holmes Day.
(CROWD MURMURING)
I ran around all of last night
stealing children's shoes.
Wow, it sounds insane
when I say it out loud.
Uh, but worst of all,
I convinced this sweet,
young girl here to st...
No, not you.
I don't why she's... I don't...
I don't even know you.
Yeah... no, I-I convinced
Marissa here
to stop believing
in her dreams.
Then I experienced the magic
of Katie Holmes Day myself.
You know, I had a dream,
and my dream came true.
And... and sure, you know.
Big dreams can be a bit
of a mirage, you know?
Often planted
in our capitalist minds
by greedy corporations who...
You're losing us!
Bottom line, um,
Marissa's dream has always been
to play Katie Holmes.
And you think
it would be all right
if Marissa said the final line?
Oh, that's great.
Okay, here we go.
Uh, Mr. Williamson,
your 3:00 is here.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Katie, you are Joey Potter.
Welcome to "Dawson's Creek."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
He did it.
The sweet son of a bitch
did it.
Mr. Williamson,
I have something to tell you.
When the camera is rolling,
I'll be this Joey Potter.
But when you say "cut,"
I will return to and always be.
Toledo's very own
Katie Holmes.
♪ I don't want to wait
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪ For our lives to be over
♪ I want to know right now
- Hey, everyone look!
It's 8:47!
♪ I don't want to wait
♪ For our lives to be over
Mwah!
Aww.
Oh.
- Hey.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(VOCALIZING)
Oh.
Oh!
Mom, this year
can you kiss my forehead?
Eat your beans.
♪ On the rainy front step
♪ Wearing shrapnel
in his skin ♪
I hoped
you'd come around to it.
But I didn't think you'd make
it a whole holiday special.
Just...
(LAUGHS)
♪ Lives inside him still
♪ It's so hard to be
gentle and warm ♪
♪ The years passed by
♪ And now he has
granddaughters ♪
♪ I don't want to wait
for our lives... ♪
Katie continued,
"When you say 'cut, ' I will
return to and always be.
Toledo's very own
Katie Holmes."
"Granted, I won't always be
playing Joey Potter.
"So, when I'm doing
another character,
"the same rule applies.
"When the camera's rolling,
I am that character.
"But when they yell 'cut, '
I'm Katie Holmes
from Toledo, Ohio!"
(BOOK CLOSES)
Okay, orphans.
Off to bed.
And tomorrow we'll be enjoying
a feast of muffins,
thanks to a large
amount of money.
Whitlock High School
raised for us.
ALL: Yay!
(UPBEAT HOLIDAY MUSIC)