A.N.T. Farm (2011–2014): Season 3, Episode 14 - SilANT Night - full transcript

Subs created by: David Coleman.

Okay, Chyna, your turn to
open your Secret Santa gift.

Oh.

Font-Tastic...

An Unabridged History of Typefaces in
the Post-Gutenbergian Age, Volume 1.

Thank you, Olive.

Actually, it was from me.

Olive gave it to me last year.

Chyna, if you get me next
year, I would really like that.

What is this? Some kind of stink rock?

That is my great-aunt
Zuma's famous figgy pudding.



I wonder who got it for you.

Thanks for the stink
rock, Mr. Billionaire!

You're welcome.

Well, I'm sure my Secret
Santa gift is gonna be great.

Because Paisley's my Secret Santa
and I told her what to get me!

What took you so long, Paisley?

I don't pay you to dillydally!

Uh, Lexi, Paisley works
for Z-Tech, not for you.

Weren't you listening? I
just said I don't pay her.

Neither does Mr. Grundy.

He just gives me these funny little
pieces of paper with his autograph on them.

I'm saving them in a shoe box,

because maybe when he's dead
they'll be worth something!

Anyway, this is the world's most
powerful and advanced hair dryer.



The Dragon's Breath Pro Series Five!

I wouldn't plug that in!

We're already drawing a lot of
power for the Christmas Tree!

It'll be fine.

See?

Woo-hoo!

A teeny little menorah nightlight.

Oi vey.

♪Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo.

♪Ooh, ooh. Ooh. Doo, doo.

Woo!

♪Everybody's got that thing.

♪Something different, we all bring.

♪Don't you let 'em, clip your wings.

♪You got it! You got it!

♪We're on fire and we
blaze, in extraordinary ways.

♪365 days.

♪We got it! We got it!

♪You can dream it. You can be it.

♪If you can feel
it, you can believe it!

♪Because I am, you are, we are...

♪Exceptional.

♪Exceptional!

♪Yeah, I am, you are, we are...

♪Exceptional.

♪Exceptional!

♪Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh, ooh.

Woo!

Don't worry, everyone!

The emergency backup system
will kick in any second.

What he said.

Wow, Mr. Grundy, I didn't know
you had a good-looking twin.

I mean, a just as handsome,
completely identical twin.

Actually, one of us is a hologram.

It's the other one.

Wow! He looks so real.

Ha-ha! That tickles!

When the power went
out, Z-Tech's emergency

backup computer and
security system kicked in.

I control every system in the
building, including lights...

Temperature...

And ambient music...

♪Zero one, zero one, zero zero one...

Just tell him anything you need.

Yes. I am a very good listener.

Despite what my
ex-girlfriend hologram says.

Just one question.

So you could make this hologram look
like anyone you want, and you picked you?

The most handsome man in the world?

Thank you, Chyna.

Uh, going back to the
hologram girlfriend thing.

How does one go about getting one of those,
and can you make it look like anyone?

- Whee!
- Ooh, I got a text.

So, I'm kind of like a
super computer myself.

- Really?
- Mmm hmm.

I have a 20 peta-flop
x-17 processor.

And can achieve over 270
computations per microsecond.

I won the County spelling bee.

I'm terribly sorry, but I have to leave.

There's a z-mergency
at one of my Z-stores!

That ztinks.

I'm afraid I have no choice.

The Z-copter is picking me up
on the roof in five minutes.

But you're going to miss the
rest of the holiday party.

Seth was going to teach
us how to use his dreidel.

- Dreidel?
- Dreidel.

I made it out of clay.

Check it out, Paisley!

I'm the Ice Princess in the
Palo Alto holiday parade.

I'm going to have my very own float!

Is it going to be a root beer float?

I love those! They keep me
from drowning in my root beer!

Paisley, focus!

I'm going to be sitting next to the
Ice Prince who, ironically, is hot.

So I need you to get mistletoe
to put above our thrones.

But Mr. Grundy has me working
on a very important project.

What? I am this close to firing you
from the job I don't pay you for.

At Christmas?

Just go!

Time for my gift!

Oh.

Sticks.

It's a Hlautteinar.

A bundle of twigs used in the ancient
Saxon winter festival of Modraniht.

There are more holidays
in December than Christmas,

Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and
National Sarcasm Day.

Wow, Olive. That was so interesting.

Thank you. Happy National
Sarcasm Day to you, too.

This is supposed to be Secret
Santa, not secret sarcasm.

Oh, I totally didn't know that!

Who is this Santa you speak of?

And what is his secret?

You've never heard of him?
Fat man? White beard? Red suit?

Yeah, Santa Claus.

A.K.A. St. Nick, A.K.A. Kris Kringle?

Interesting. He has a lot of aliases.

Yeah. He sees you when you're sleeping,
and he knows when you're awake...

He knows if you've been bad or good...

So he's got surveillance on you.

On Christmas Eve, when
everyone's sleeping,

he travels the world
with his flying reindeer!

Secretly entering every house and...

What the heck?

I have initiated a security lock down,

to protect the facility
from the evil intruder...

Known as Santa Claus.

No one goes in or out of the
building until after Christmas!

You can't do that!

We're have to leave for vacation!
We need to get home for the holidays!

Yeah, because if we missed National
Sarcasm Day it would be such a tragedy.

I'm actually completely serious.
It's my favorite holiday.

Please, you have to let us go.
You misunderstood what we said.

Santa Claus is wonderful.
There's nothing scary about him.

Although I do usually cry when
I sit on his lap at the Mall.

His suit is really dirty and
he smells like the bus station.

I tried contacting my parents,
but the Internet's down,

cell phones are blocked,
I can't get a signal.

Sorry. Cutting off communication
with the outside world is necessary

to protect Z-Tech and everything in
it from the horrible threat of Santa.

Guys, quick!

We need a plan, we have to get home
to our families to trim the tree.

And light the menorah, and do
hard-to-pronounce, twig-based stuff.

She's right. I mean,
if I don't get home,

who's going to make the bordstabelbakkels
and kongelige pepperkakers?

There must be some way out of here.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, study hard then graduate.

Maybe I can override his security
protocols and disable his program.

I don't think that will work.

His counter-intrusion measures
are very sophisticated.

It's creepy having someone
watch your every move.

You get used to it.

This door's locked, too?

Paisley! Go get help!

Computer Zoltan locked me in here...

I can't hear you!

By the way, I couldn't find any
mistletoe, but I did find a toe missile.

Oops.

There's got to be some way
I can communicate with her.

S-O-S.

Now I see what you need.

Sauce!

S-O-S.

Do you prefer apple sauce...

Spaghetti sauce...

Hollandaise sauce...

Bibbick sauce...

Okay, so we just throw this
cinder block off the roof,

then climb down these
bed sheets to freedom.

Whose sheets have little
pink unicorns all over them?

It doesn't matter!

- Okay, so where's Fletcher?
- I'm here.

Did you tie your sheets
to the end of the chain?

- Yep.
- Okay.

- And what did you tie them to?
- What do you mean?

Fletcher!

Why are you guys upset?

I'm out fifty cents. I had
a tooth under the pillow.

Tartar sauce...

Tomato sauce...

Tomahto sauce.

Give it a rest!

Show you the rest?

I would, but I'm really
tired from all this exersauce.

Huh...

Well, that's convenient.

Well, we've tried everything.

I guess we're all stuck
here for the holidays.

This is the worst Tsagaan Sar,
the Mongolian white moon festival

honoring the village elders
with the zolgokh greeting, ever!

This is all your fault, Seth.

You caused the blackout when
you plugged in your menorah.

Don't blame me. Somebody gave
me that defective tchotchke.

Who was my Secret Santa?

It doesn't matter!

Stop fighting!

You're guys are making me feel...

- Homesick.
- What?

Every Christmas, my
family gets together.

And my dad always ends up
arguing with his brothers, and...

Then Grandma Dottie will cry and say,

boys, don't fight, this
might be my last Christmas!

And my mom will say, well, we
should be so lucky, old woman!

And then we have ham.

I've never spent Christmas
without my mom and dad and Cameron.

We always sit around the
piano and sing Christmas songs

until it's time to go
to the midnight service.

Even though we get home really late,

we always wake up super
early on Christmas morning.

When we were young it
was to open presents but,

now it's to spend as much time
as we can together on Christmas.

I'm going to miss all that.

Plus my mom's pumpkin pie...

My bubbe's latkes...

Our Mongolian exchange
student's yak butter.

Come on, guys.

I know we all miss our
families, but we're a family.

We can sit here and feel
sorry for ourselves...

Or we can celebrate
together and enjoy Christmas!

And Hanukkah.

And whatever Olive decides
to babble about next.

Thank you!

You guys are even better than my family!

They just tell me to sit
down and stop talking.

You haven't opened my card yet.

Thanks for getting me back in
time to surprise the Ants, Pete!

And enjoy that figgy pudding!

Oh no. It's Santa Claus!

Ugh, he does smell like a bus station.

♪Deck the halls with boughs of holly.

♪Fa la la la la la la la la!

♪'Tis the season to be jolly.

♪Fa la la la la la la la la!

♪ Dipped in red and
white saying ho, ho, ho.

♪Santa's in the chimney,
not the door-door-door.

♪Sent a letter of the gifts
that I'd like to acquire.

♪Got reindeer on my roof,
and the roof is on fire! Holly!

Great. You set off the bad rap alarm.

Attention, everyone!

This is not a drill!

Santa Claus has come to town.

He has?

Wait a second.

You're working with him!

You're an Elf!

What? No! He's not an Elf.

Elves are short and wear green hats
and pointy shoes with bells on them...

Uh-oh.

Why are you covering for him?

You must all be Elves!

You're all part of Santa's
diabolical conspiracy!

No, we're not! He's the only
Elf! Do what you want with him!

Security breach!

- You all must be...
- Set free?

Crushed by the walls of death!

What the heck?

They're closing in!

They're gonna crush us!

When did they install walls of death?

I have been asking for a
ping-pong table for three months!

Mr. Hologram, Sir, I know you
have this super computer brain,

but you've made a terrible mistake!

You don't understand the
true meaning of Christmas!

Sure I do.

Christmas is about the heinous
arctic ice-demon, Santa Claus,

using false pretenses to infiltrate
and invade a secure facility.

Oh!

No. No. You've got it all wrong. That's
not what Christmas is about at all.

Christmas is about presents!

Lots and lots of presents!

No, it's not! You're both wrong.

The true meaning of Christmas is...

Well, we've got these costumes. Why
don't we show you with a holiday pageant?

Chyna, is this just an excuse to
sing one more time before we die?

It doesn't matter!

Great. I'm going to miss the parade.

I don't think your head is hard enough.

You should use mine.

Where did you come from? A
second ago you were out there!

Lexi, you seem upset.

Cheer up!

It's the Hollandaise season!

♪Holy infant so tender and mild.

♪Holy infant so tender and mild.

♪Sleep in heavenly peace.

♪Sleep in heavenly peace.

♪Sleep in heavenly peace.

♪Sleep in heavenly peace.

♪Silent night.

♪Silent night.

♪Holy night.

♪Holy night.

♪Shepherds quake.

♪Shepherds quake.

Hey! The death walls are closing in!
Do you think we could skip a few verses?

Okay, okay.

Who hath come to visit
me and my newborn son?

'Tis us. The three wise men.

Why am I playing a wise man?

Your name is Weisman.

Seth Weisman!

Good point. Have some myrrh.

♪Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah!
Come light the menorah.

♪Let's have a party.
We'll all dance the horah.

Gimmel! I win!

Can I get a Mazel Tov?

Velkommen! I am Julesvenn,
the Norwegian gift-bringer.

Here with lucky stalks
of barley for all!

What are you doing?

At least our performance
made frankincense.

Get it, frankin-sense?

I wish they made faster death walls.

Why won't you open?

Oops.

Ah.

Maybe I can pry off this panel
with my zPhone and get in!

I need something harder.

Something indestructible.

Ah! Of course!

A figgy pudding!

♪Sleep in heavenly peace.

♪Sleep in heavenly peace.

And so at Christmas, they
celebrated the savior's birth.

And at Hanukkah, the menorah
burned bright for eight nights.

And at Wilde Jagd, Danish
King Valdemar Atterdag,

led the phantasmal hunters
across the Nordic sky.

And we're all going to die!

Stop! It worked!

He's stopping the death walls!

No, I mean stop this ridiculous play!

I'll restart the death
walls in a moment.

But first... come on!

How do you know a star
appeared when Jesus was born?

Or that the menorah oil
burned for eight nights?

Or that Joulupukki, the yule
goat, pulled the thunder God, Thor,

across the sky, that he might delight
the villagers of Foteviken with song?

We don't know.

We just choose to believe.

But that's illogical.

It's not about logic. It's about faith.

But belief is based on hard
facts, empirical evidence.

Faith is believing even
when there is no evidence!

But I need evidence.

Does not compute!

Does not compute! Does not comp...

We're alive!

The lock down's over!
The roomavator's working!

Woo!

We can go home for Christmas!

And Hanukkah. Et cetera.

Can you believe the computer
thought that Santa Claus was

some evil deranged menace trying
to break into the building?

I'm in!

Get him!

Break into our house? I'll
go Little Drummer Boy on you!

Wait, wait!

- This is Mr. Grundy!
- Yeah.

I know and... look at these presents.

They're all broken!

Get him!

Great. I missed the parade!

Now I won't get to be in one
until the Sarcasm Day Parade!

Like that's going to be so much fun!

Anyway, let's go home, Paisley.

- You're a hologram?
- Yeah!

That's the very important project
Mr. Grundy had me working on.

I'm made of science!

That explains how you got
in and out of the building.

But that doesn't explain why you're dressed
like the Ice Princess's less pretty sister.

I was in town trying to find mistletoe
for you when a parade went by.

They said this obnoxious girl who begged
to be Ice Princess hadn't shown up,

and asked me to fill in.

Next thing you know, I'm on the
lap of a handsome Ice Prince.

And then a Christmas miracle happened.

A toe missile flew over the parade.

You kissed my Ice Prince?

Sauce! Sauce!