ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Emperor's New Clothes - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of The Emporer's New Clothes.
[ orchestral music plays ]
[ announcer speaks ]
[ arrows whizzing ]
Hi.
Like my costume?
Okay, skip it.
Anyway,
it's a trick question.
This isn't my costume.
It's my underwear.
Ha!
Wait a second.
This is more like it.
As a matter of fact,
today's show
is sort of about costumes.
Presenting
"The Emperor's New Clothes."
Love that alar.
And what have we today,
Lord Bloomingdale?
Leisure wear,
Your Excellency.
Good. I'm down to my last
10,000 ensembles.
- Proceed.
- Music.
[ playing ]
Excellency, here's Doug,
and he's ready for a day
at the jousting tournament
in this single-vented,
all-chain mail creation
- from Sir William McClaire.
- [ glass shatters ]
Meanwhile, Evan can't wait
for that next court picnic
to show off his crisp,
but casual sunsuit
in double-thick sackcloth
with a real heavy metal trim.
[ rumbling ]
It's cute,
but it's not me.
Lord Bloomingdale,
the Designers Label Day parade
is coming up and I want
something new.
Something fresh and exciting
and daring and fun.
Yes, Your Excellency.
- [ fabric ripping ]
- [ screaming ]
And sprightly
and wild and zany and...
I wish he'd just shop
by catalogue.
...and I'm not
paying retail.
Hear ye, hear ye,
old-fashioned designers,
the emperor needs
a new look for the parade.
He wants something
fresh and daring
and fun and--
you know, the usual.
[ scattered cheers ]
Here. Is this fresh
and fun or what?
You want daring?
I'll show you daring.
Trés chic.
I could get
you this wholesale.
Gordon:
Um, excuse me.
Could somebody tell me the way
to the emperor's palace?
[ angry murmuring ]
And why do you wish
to know, young stranger?
My name is Benetton Esprit.
I'm a designer.
A fashion designer?!
[ all laugh ]
If they
think that's funny,
wait till they hear
I'm also an accountant.
Hey, you look familiar.
Yves Saint Bernard!
Ralph Polo!
Norma Tamali!
The greatest designers
in the known universe.
Yes, we are,
except for my archrival
Norma Tamali, of course.
Well, Polo, you creepy
little rat, why, I oughta...
Benetton Esprit?
I like your style.
Do you know who I am?
You're Coco Klein.
I'll give you
a little hint.
I am Coco Klein.
Props, get this woman
a hearing aid.
I'm a big fan of yours,
Madam Klein.
So am I.
Come, you will be
my assistant.
Oh, it is true
that the pay will
not be very much.
That's okay.
As long as the hours
are long and grueling.
Ciao,everybody.
See you at the Label
Day parade.
Don't you just hate
bright, fresh, young talent?
We may have to
do something about
that young man.
Ralph, Norma, stop bickering
and leave the poor boy alone.
After all,
the knight is young.
[ cackles ]
These are removable pads.
See?
Perfect for the woman
with removable shoulders.
Klein: Hmm.
And what is
this abomination?
Well, it's called
a Hawaiian shirt.
It's perfect when you're in
a lazy luau kind of mood.
Benetton, let me show you
what fashion should be.
Christie!
Put on the chunklike
tunic, dear.
Christie, darling,
this is Benetton Esprit.
Benetton,
this is my very rich
and very thin model--
Christie Dinkley.
Please, study this
while I make a phone call.
- All right?
- I could study her forever.
Not the model,
the outfit!
Hello?!
Nancy!
When am I getting
those dresses back?!
So, you're new here.
Maybe I can show you
the sights.
Which sights
did you have in mind?
Oh, the moon
and the stars.
I've heard about the moon.
Can we go now?
Don't you think
we should wait till tonight?
But then we won't be able
to see anything.
But, Madam Klein,
he's a genius.
His designs are
too practical, dear.
But the emperor
wants something new.
[ shrieks ]
Hmm.
Well, I suppose
he might like
one of Benetton's
baseball caps.
Come, Benetton.
We're going to
the palace.
Excellency...
Madam Coco Klein
and "Badminton Ess-spritt."
Well, Coco
and Badminton,
what have you
for me today?
Uh, Your Excellency...
these are linen slacks
with pleated vents
and vented pleats.
Upland dress shirt
with French cuffs,
Italian pockets,
- and Spanish fly.
- [ all gasp ]
Coco, a technical question,
if I may.
Please, Excellency.
Is this a joke?!
Now take this concoction
of monstrosities
and split the royal scene!
Coco:
Christie, Benetton
will be leaving us.
Give him
his pink slip.
And also his
yellow dress
and his
light green blouse.
But Ben's work
is so elegant.
As we say in France,
Christie,
"Elegant,
schmelegant."
The emperor
wants something
vogue and vague
and terminally hip.
Now, au revoir.
And a word of advice:
find a different
line of work.
But fashion design
is my life.
Then you're dead.
- Shut up, you.
- Good-bye, Benetton.
And watch out for those
other designers.
They're cutthroats.
I'll heed your advice.
But where will you go?
Somewhere-- somewhere
there's a place for me.
A place where
a man can design
an all-cotton dress shirt.
With a roll collar?
And button cuffs?
I don't know.
But remember,
whenever you
look at the moon,
make sure it's night.
Huh?
[ shrieks ]
[ playing medieval tune ]
This looks like it was made
from an old army tent.
I have 35 of these
upstairs. Next!
Your Excellency,
meet Christian.
His three-piece
matching ensemble
combines
the high-energy flash
of today's go-for-it
party animal
- plus the--
- Benetton: Stop the music!
- [ loud crash ]
- What is the meaning
of this?!
This?
It's a pronoun, I think.
I thought it was
a preposition.
It can also be
an adjective.
"Put this orange
on the table."
What orange?
Puh.
Never mind.
- You, what is your name?
- Guess Who.
- I give up.
- No, Guess Who.
I said I give up!
No, I Give Up
is my agent's name.
Are you with
Philip Morris?
Me too!
My lords and ladies,
juggling!
Your Excellency,
I think what this man means
is his name is...
Guess Who.
I can't.
You can't what, sire?
I can't guess who.
All of you,
you're under arrest!
Especially you!
My apologies,
Excellency.
My first name is Guess.
My last name is Who.
Oh, I see.
Guards,
throw this man out!
- But why?
- Well, for one thing,
you're not wearing
any pants.
That's why
I'm here, sire.
Hold it!
You barge into my court
and interrupt
my private fashion show
to tell me you're
not wearing any pants?!
Sire, my pants are made
of a new miracle fiber
called Schmatex.
It is more beautiful
than silk,
more durable
than polyester,
warmer than wool,
and cooler than cotton!
However,
it can only be seen
by the vogue, the vague,
and the terminally hip.
To everyone else,
it is invisible.
Enough of this
corny thought bubble.
Anyone have a hairpin?
Well, I thought his pants
were fabulous!
- Man: Subtle.
It's subtle, sure.
- [ court clamoring ]
Did you hear?
"Noblewomen's Wear Daily"
says, "Guess Who's new
Schmatex is hot, hot, hot!"
And "Vanity Friar" says,
"Guess Who's new Schmatex
is cool, cool, cool!"
We're ruined,
ruined, ruined!
We must forget
our petty disputes
and band together.
When we're done with him,
Guess Who will be history!
What ho?
An ominous musical sting!
- Come in.
- Hello, I'm Ralph Polo.
And this is Schmatex.
Interesting.
Where do you have this made?
At the Hayley
Fabric Mills.
Mm, yes.
I wondered
what happened
to the Hayley Mills.
I'll take 2,000 yards.
Sorry, Ralph, but I don't
sell wholesale to the trade.
Only to fine stores
everywhere.
This isn't easy,
but it sure beats working.
- Vogue.
- Vague.
Terminally hip!
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
So this is
the fabulous Schmatex.
Much too downtown for us.
Come, Christie.
I suspected that Christie
was an uptown girl.
If Christie recognized me,
she'd come back.
But if she didn't,
she wouldn't.
If she did and she didn't,
then why didn't she?
Hey, Guess.
Hey.
This should be good.
Please.
I'm Guess Who.
And you are?
O'Armani from the Irish
department store chain.
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
So, what do you
think of Schmatex?
It takes a vogue, vague,
and terminally hip
attitude to see it.
So, of course,
you had no trouble.
Right. Great.
Well, thanks for the--
whatever.
Stuff looks great.
You're probably--
Things are heating up
a bit, huh?
This show may not have
any faeries or witches,
but it has nudity,
so stick around.
Whoa!
Don't worry.
I saved the Schmatex.
It was
indescribable, sire.
But what did it look like,
Lord Bloomingdale?
Like-- like a combination
of springtime
and air.
Indeed.
Summon this Guess Who
to the palace.
Mr. Who.
I would like you to create
an original garment for me
for the Label Day parade
out of Schmatex.
I would be honored, sucker--
I mean, sire.
Your pay will be the usual
astronomical sum.
My treasurers,
the Brooks Brothers,
will visit you
with the first installment
in three days.
Whoa!
[ stammering ]
Be sure you have
something to show them!
In that case,
better make it two days.
You'd think Christie
would come back now
while I'm glumly
sketching her face,
but no!
[ sighs ]
We're the Brooks Brothers,
the emperor's treasurers.
Albert, this seems
a bit thin, doesn't it?
Um, well, you know,
it's a work in progress.
Christie:
Oh, Guess, darling.
How is my Schmatex robe
coming along?
- Huh?
- [ sighs ]
[ Christie giggles ]
Albert, what's good enough
for the very rich and very
thin Christie Dinkley
is good enough for us,
wouldn't you say?
Uh, good work, Mr. Who.
Here's your money.
[ grunts ]
Farewell, Guess,
and don't spend it all
in one place.
There must be
something there.
But if it's a hoax,
the emperor will
rip out his seams
and stonewash his jammies
with him in 'em.
[ knocks ]
- Christie!
- Benetton!
How'd you know
I wasn't Guess?
I guessed.
Oh, Ben,
I'm so proud of you
and your Schmatex.
It's nothing.
Just as I thought.
But why are you
doing this?
To show these people
what phonies they are.
And to get on
the 6:00 news.
The emperor is sending
a limo for me.
I'm going to dress him
for the parade today.
In Schmatex? But that means
he'll be--
But what if he finds out?
He'll rip out your seams
and stonewash your jammies.
What's worrying me more
is how we're going to get away
with this on a family show.
Don't worry, darling.
And don't go changing.
I like you
just the way you are.
Oof!
Ah, right on time.
Come in, dear boy.
Mr. Who, in four hours,
the entire empire
will watch me parade
down Seventh Avenue.
I want them to remember
what they see for the
rest of their lives.
They will, sire.
I guarantee it.
Oh, goody.
But first I must ask you
to take off all your clothes.
Voilà, sire.
The sheerest
of boxer shorts.
Made from 100%
virgin Schmatex.
How often do I have
to change these?
And now, the doublet,
whatever that means.
Sire, it's almost 11:00.
- And you're--
- Well, Lord Bloomingdale?
- What do you think?
- Sire, it's...
fabulous.
It's a very lightweight
outfit, you know.
I feel like I'm not
wearing anything
at all.
What you need,
Your Excellency,
is the cape.
Well, it does have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
I didn't know
he was a Conehead.
[ marching band playing ]
Isn't this fun?
That's not
what you told Mommy.
You said the only thing
the Label Day parade
is good for
is getting off work.
She's a compulsively
honest child.
You see, we are poor,
but honest.
Daddy, look,
it's starting!
I thought you said
you could get rid of him.
A slam dunk.
Noblemen and noblewomen,
peasants and peons,
dudes and dudettes,
welcome to this year's
Label Day parade!
And now it's my great
pride and privilege
to present the most exalted
ruler of this nation
and its subject
colonies...
prince of the city,
lord of the manor,
king of the wild frontier,
and chicken of the sea...
a man who needs
no introduction,
the emperor!
I told you those
designers were cutthroat.
Gee, they've made me feel
right at home.
Yeah, if your home
was Waterloo.
You've got to stop this.
He'll throw you in jail.
That's okay.
I could use some
good stock tips.
[ collective gasp ]
- [ music stops ]
- [ crowd chuckling ]
You know, I'd never
seen Schmatex in daylight.
It's startling.
Yes. In the sun,
it's as though you can
see right through it.
Look, Daddy!
The emperor's naked!
Hey, Your Excellency,
did you, like,
forget something?
- Now, stop it.
That's not nice.
- [ crowd laughing ]
Here, sire.
One day you will
laugh at this too.
Oh, I intend
to laugh at this
in about five minutes.
As soon as I've locked
someone in the dungeon!
Who exactly
do you mean, sire?
Guess! I seem to be stark
raving naked, Mr. Who.
You lied to me!
You tricked me!
Oh, no, Excellency,
someone did lie to you,
but it wasn't me.
Stop that.
No pictures!
Mr. Who, if you didn't lie
to me, then who did?!
Here comes the moral.
Everyone you trusted
lied to you.
They did and he did.
And, of course,
they did.
- Well, I never.
- How dare you?
- Your designs are a fraud.
- Sire, this man is a fraud.
That's not what
you said last week.
Here, sire,
put these on.
Hey, these feel
pretty good.
Who makes 'em?
A talented young man
named Benetton Esprit.
Benetton Esprit.
That sounds familiar.
Where can I find him?
- Right here.
- You know,
not one
of your designs
is as comfortable
as this.
Comfort isn't
everything, sire.
You need us
to tell you what's good.
Not anymore, I don't.
Watch this!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in honor of this year's
Label Day parade,
I am donating
my entire wardrobe
to you, my subjects.
Go to the palace
and take whatever you want!
I'm serious!
Do you want them
or don't you?
[ cheering, clamoring ]
But they're commoners.
They're peasants.
Since you object,
I'm sending all of you
to open a discount
fashion outlet
in one of our
Antarctic colonies!
And you!
Hope it's
a happy ending.
Would you be interested
in the position
of official designer
to the emperor?
That pig is taking
my leather riding suit!
Sire, is
something wrong?
No, no.
It's just that I've
always wanted
to walk through
the town square without pants.
And this is the only chance
I'll ever get.
Care to join me?
- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...
♪ Into outer space
♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪
♪ In the Melmacian race
♪ Teach us, Gordon
♪ Make us twitch.
Hah!
I kill me!
[ announcer speaks ]
[ arrows whizzing ]
Hi.
Like my costume?
Okay, skip it.
Anyway,
it's a trick question.
This isn't my costume.
It's my underwear.
Ha!
Wait a second.
This is more like it.
As a matter of fact,
today's show
is sort of about costumes.
Presenting
"The Emperor's New Clothes."
Love that alar.
And what have we today,
Lord Bloomingdale?
Leisure wear,
Your Excellency.
Good. I'm down to my last
10,000 ensembles.
- Proceed.
- Music.
[ playing ]
Excellency, here's Doug,
and he's ready for a day
at the jousting tournament
in this single-vented,
all-chain mail creation
- from Sir William McClaire.
- [ glass shatters ]
Meanwhile, Evan can't wait
for that next court picnic
to show off his crisp,
but casual sunsuit
in double-thick sackcloth
with a real heavy metal trim.
[ rumbling ]
It's cute,
but it's not me.
Lord Bloomingdale,
the Designers Label Day parade
is coming up and I want
something new.
Something fresh and exciting
and daring and fun.
Yes, Your Excellency.
- [ fabric ripping ]
- [ screaming ]
And sprightly
and wild and zany and...
I wish he'd just shop
by catalogue.
...and I'm not
paying retail.
Hear ye, hear ye,
old-fashioned designers,
the emperor needs
a new look for the parade.
He wants something
fresh and daring
and fun and--
you know, the usual.
[ scattered cheers ]
Here. Is this fresh
and fun or what?
You want daring?
I'll show you daring.
Trés chic.
I could get
you this wholesale.
Gordon:
Um, excuse me.
Could somebody tell me the way
to the emperor's palace?
[ angry murmuring ]
And why do you wish
to know, young stranger?
My name is Benetton Esprit.
I'm a designer.
A fashion designer?!
[ all laugh ]
If they
think that's funny,
wait till they hear
I'm also an accountant.
Hey, you look familiar.
Yves Saint Bernard!
Ralph Polo!
Norma Tamali!
The greatest designers
in the known universe.
Yes, we are,
except for my archrival
Norma Tamali, of course.
Well, Polo, you creepy
little rat, why, I oughta...
Benetton Esprit?
I like your style.
Do you know who I am?
You're Coco Klein.
I'll give you
a little hint.
I am Coco Klein.
Props, get this woman
a hearing aid.
I'm a big fan of yours,
Madam Klein.
So am I.
Come, you will be
my assistant.
Oh, it is true
that the pay will
not be very much.
That's okay.
As long as the hours
are long and grueling.
Ciao,everybody.
See you at the Label
Day parade.
Don't you just hate
bright, fresh, young talent?
We may have to
do something about
that young man.
Ralph, Norma, stop bickering
and leave the poor boy alone.
After all,
the knight is young.
[ cackles ]
These are removable pads.
See?
Perfect for the woman
with removable shoulders.
Klein: Hmm.
And what is
this abomination?
Well, it's called
a Hawaiian shirt.
It's perfect when you're in
a lazy luau kind of mood.
Benetton, let me show you
what fashion should be.
Christie!
Put on the chunklike
tunic, dear.
Christie, darling,
this is Benetton Esprit.
Benetton,
this is my very rich
and very thin model--
Christie Dinkley.
Please, study this
while I make a phone call.
- All right?
- I could study her forever.
Not the model,
the outfit!
Hello?!
Nancy!
When am I getting
those dresses back?!
So, you're new here.
Maybe I can show you
the sights.
Which sights
did you have in mind?
Oh, the moon
and the stars.
I've heard about the moon.
Can we go now?
Don't you think
we should wait till tonight?
But then we won't be able
to see anything.
But, Madam Klein,
he's a genius.
His designs are
too practical, dear.
But the emperor
wants something new.
[ shrieks ]
Hmm.
Well, I suppose
he might like
one of Benetton's
baseball caps.
Come, Benetton.
We're going to
the palace.
Excellency...
Madam Coco Klein
and "Badminton Ess-spritt."
Well, Coco
and Badminton,
what have you
for me today?
Uh, Your Excellency...
these are linen slacks
with pleated vents
and vented pleats.
Upland dress shirt
with French cuffs,
Italian pockets,
- and Spanish fly.
- [ all gasp ]
Coco, a technical question,
if I may.
Please, Excellency.
Is this a joke?!
Now take this concoction
of monstrosities
and split the royal scene!
Coco:
Christie, Benetton
will be leaving us.
Give him
his pink slip.
And also his
yellow dress
and his
light green blouse.
But Ben's work
is so elegant.
As we say in France,
Christie,
"Elegant,
schmelegant."
The emperor
wants something
vogue and vague
and terminally hip.
Now, au revoir.
And a word of advice:
find a different
line of work.
But fashion design
is my life.
Then you're dead.
- Shut up, you.
- Good-bye, Benetton.
And watch out for those
other designers.
They're cutthroats.
I'll heed your advice.
But where will you go?
Somewhere-- somewhere
there's a place for me.
A place where
a man can design
an all-cotton dress shirt.
With a roll collar?
And button cuffs?
I don't know.
But remember,
whenever you
look at the moon,
make sure it's night.
Huh?
[ shrieks ]
[ playing medieval tune ]
This looks like it was made
from an old army tent.
I have 35 of these
upstairs. Next!
Your Excellency,
meet Christian.
His three-piece
matching ensemble
combines
the high-energy flash
of today's go-for-it
party animal
- plus the--
- Benetton: Stop the music!
- [ loud crash ]
- What is the meaning
of this?!
This?
It's a pronoun, I think.
I thought it was
a preposition.
It can also be
an adjective.
"Put this orange
on the table."
What orange?
Puh.
Never mind.
- You, what is your name?
- Guess Who.
- I give up.
- No, Guess Who.
I said I give up!
No, I Give Up
is my agent's name.
Are you with
Philip Morris?
Me too!
My lords and ladies,
juggling!
Your Excellency,
I think what this man means
is his name is...
Guess Who.
I can't.
You can't what, sire?
I can't guess who.
All of you,
you're under arrest!
Especially you!
My apologies,
Excellency.
My first name is Guess.
My last name is Who.
Oh, I see.
Guards,
throw this man out!
- But why?
- Well, for one thing,
you're not wearing
any pants.
That's why
I'm here, sire.
Hold it!
You barge into my court
and interrupt
my private fashion show
to tell me you're
not wearing any pants?!
Sire, my pants are made
of a new miracle fiber
called Schmatex.
It is more beautiful
than silk,
more durable
than polyester,
warmer than wool,
and cooler than cotton!
However,
it can only be seen
by the vogue, the vague,
and the terminally hip.
To everyone else,
it is invisible.
Enough of this
corny thought bubble.
Anyone have a hairpin?
Well, I thought his pants
were fabulous!
- Man: Subtle.
It's subtle, sure.
- [ court clamoring ]
Did you hear?
"Noblewomen's Wear Daily"
says, "Guess Who's new
Schmatex is hot, hot, hot!"
And "Vanity Friar" says,
"Guess Who's new Schmatex
is cool, cool, cool!"
We're ruined,
ruined, ruined!
We must forget
our petty disputes
and band together.
When we're done with him,
Guess Who will be history!
What ho?
An ominous musical sting!
- Come in.
- Hello, I'm Ralph Polo.
And this is Schmatex.
Interesting.
Where do you have this made?
At the Hayley
Fabric Mills.
Mm, yes.
I wondered
what happened
to the Hayley Mills.
I'll take 2,000 yards.
Sorry, Ralph, but I don't
sell wholesale to the trade.
Only to fine stores
everywhere.
This isn't easy,
but it sure beats working.
- Vogue.
- Vague.
Terminally hip!
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
So this is
the fabulous Schmatex.
Much too downtown for us.
Come, Christie.
I suspected that Christie
was an uptown girl.
If Christie recognized me,
she'd come back.
But if she didn't,
she wouldn't.
If she did and she didn't,
then why didn't she?
Hey, Guess.
Hey.
This should be good.
Please.
I'm Guess Who.
And you are?
O'Armani from the Irish
department store chain.
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
So, what do you
think of Schmatex?
It takes a vogue, vague,
and terminally hip
attitude to see it.
So, of course,
you had no trouble.
Right. Great.
Well, thanks for the--
whatever.
Stuff looks great.
You're probably--
Things are heating up
a bit, huh?
This show may not have
any faeries or witches,
but it has nudity,
so stick around.
Whoa!
Don't worry.
I saved the Schmatex.
It was
indescribable, sire.
But what did it look like,
Lord Bloomingdale?
Like-- like a combination
of springtime
and air.
Indeed.
Summon this Guess Who
to the palace.
Mr. Who.
I would like you to create
an original garment for me
for the Label Day parade
out of Schmatex.
I would be honored, sucker--
I mean, sire.
Your pay will be the usual
astronomical sum.
My treasurers,
the Brooks Brothers,
will visit you
with the first installment
in three days.
Whoa!
[ stammering ]
Be sure you have
something to show them!
In that case,
better make it two days.
You'd think Christie
would come back now
while I'm glumly
sketching her face,
but no!
[ sighs ]
We're the Brooks Brothers,
the emperor's treasurers.
Albert, this seems
a bit thin, doesn't it?
Um, well, you know,
it's a work in progress.
Christie:
Oh, Guess, darling.
How is my Schmatex robe
coming along?
- Huh?
- [ sighs ]
[ Christie giggles ]
Albert, what's good enough
for the very rich and very
thin Christie Dinkley
is good enough for us,
wouldn't you say?
Uh, good work, Mr. Who.
Here's your money.
[ grunts ]
Farewell, Guess,
and don't spend it all
in one place.
There must be
something there.
But if it's a hoax,
the emperor will
rip out his seams
and stonewash his jammies
with him in 'em.
[ knocks ]
- Christie!
- Benetton!
How'd you know
I wasn't Guess?
I guessed.
Oh, Ben,
I'm so proud of you
and your Schmatex.
It's nothing.
Just as I thought.
But why are you
doing this?
To show these people
what phonies they are.
And to get on
the 6:00 news.
The emperor is sending
a limo for me.
I'm going to dress him
for the parade today.
In Schmatex? But that means
he'll be--
But what if he finds out?
He'll rip out your seams
and stonewash your jammies.
What's worrying me more
is how we're going to get away
with this on a family show.
Don't worry, darling.
And don't go changing.
I like you
just the way you are.
Oof!
Ah, right on time.
Come in, dear boy.
Mr. Who, in four hours,
the entire empire
will watch me parade
down Seventh Avenue.
I want them to remember
what they see for the
rest of their lives.
They will, sire.
I guarantee it.
Oh, goody.
But first I must ask you
to take off all your clothes.
Voilà, sire.
The sheerest
of boxer shorts.
Made from 100%
virgin Schmatex.
How often do I have
to change these?
And now, the doublet,
whatever that means.
Sire, it's almost 11:00.
- And you're--
- Well, Lord Bloomingdale?
- What do you think?
- Sire, it's...
fabulous.
It's a very lightweight
outfit, you know.
I feel like I'm not
wearing anything
at all.
What you need,
Your Excellency,
is the cape.
Well, it does have a certain
je ne sais quoi.
I didn't know
he was a Conehead.
[ marching band playing ]
Isn't this fun?
That's not
what you told Mommy.
You said the only thing
the Label Day parade
is good for
is getting off work.
She's a compulsively
honest child.
You see, we are poor,
but honest.
Daddy, look,
it's starting!
I thought you said
you could get rid of him.
A slam dunk.
Noblemen and noblewomen,
peasants and peons,
dudes and dudettes,
welcome to this year's
Label Day parade!
And now it's my great
pride and privilege
to present the most exalted
ruler of this nation
and its subject
colonies...
prince of the city,
lord of the manor,
king of the wild frontier,
and chicken of the sea...
a man who needs
no introduction,
the emperor!
I told you those
designers were cutthroat.
Gee, they've made me feel
right at home.
Yeah, if your home
was Waterloo.
You've got to stop this.
He'll throw you in jail.
That's okay.
I could use some
good stock tips.
[ collective gasp ]
- [ music stops ]
- [ crowd chuckling ]
You know, I'd never
seen Schmatex in daylight.
It's startling.
Yes. In the sun,
it's as though you can
see right through it.
Look, Daddy!
The emperor's naked!
Hey, Your Excellency,
did you, like,
forget something?
- Now, stop it.
That's not nice.
- [ crowd laughing ]
Here, sire.
One day you will
laugh at this too.
Oh, I intend
to laugh at this
in about five minutes.
As soon as I've locked
someone in the dungeon!
Who exactly
do you mean, sire?
Guess! I seem to be stark
raving naked, Mr. Who.
You lied to me!
You tricked me!
Oh, no, Excellency,
someone did lie to you,
but it wasn't me.
Stop that.
No pictures!
Mr. Who, if you didn't lie
to me, then who did?!
Here comes the moral.
Everyone you trusted
lied to you.
They did and he did.
And, of course,
they did.
- Well, I never.
- How dare you?
- Your designs are a fraud.
- Sire, this man is a fraud.
That's not what
you said last week.
Here, sire,
put these on.
Hey, these feel
pretty good.
Who makes 'em?
A talented young man
named Benetton Esprit.
Benetton Esprit.
That sounds familiar.
Where can I find him?
- Right here.
- You know,
not one
of your designs
is as comfortable
as this.
Comfort isn't
everything, sire.
You need us
to tell you what's good.
Not anymore, I don't.
Watch this!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in honor of this year's
Label Day parade,
I am donating
my entire wardrobe
to you, my subjects.
Go to the palace
and take whatever you want!
I'm serious!
Do you want them
or don't you?
[ cheering, clamoring ]
But they're commoners.
They're peasants.
Since you object,
I'm sending all of you
to open a discount
fashion outlet
in one of our
Antarctic colonies!
And you!
Hope it's
a happy ending.
Would you be interested
in the position
of official designer
to the emperor?
That pig is taking
my leather riding suit!
Sire, is
something wrong?
No, no.
It's just that I've
always wanted
to walk through
the town square without pants.
And this is the only chance
I'll ever get.
Care to join me?
- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...
♪ Into outer space
♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪
♪ In the Melmacian race
♪ Teach us, Gordon
♪ Make us twitch.
Hah!
I kill me!