ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Wizard of Oz - full transcript

In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of The Wizard of Oz.

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

Hi.
Gordon here.

You know, on "ALF Tales,"
I've had some great parts--

princes, kings,
adventurers, explorers.

Okay, so some parts
weren't that great.

- [ loud crash ]
- But this is the first story

that really and
truly happened to me.

Honest.
Would I lie?

[ horn honks ]



Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!

Melmacian goes
over the rainbow and back!

What about the rumor
that the Wicked Witch
had a nosejob?

Is it true
that the Wizard of Oz's

favorite food
is frozen Snickers?

Yo, guys,
easy on the flash.

I'm beginning
to see auras.

Mr. Shumway,
please tell us--

[ mimics reporter ]
How did it all happen?

I thought you'd never ask.

It all started back
on the farm in East Velcro.

A little harp music
for the flashback, guys.

[ harp trilling ]

Those were the days
before color TV.



I was selling
encyclopedias.

It was the year
of the dust bowl.

It was also the year
of the Great Depression.

Well, not great.
Maybe just adequate.

[ knocks ]

Encyclopedias were my life
and I knew all the tricks.

Whoa!
[ grunts ]

But I wanted more from life
than sore feet...

like my own TV show.

I wanted adventure.
I wanted exotic.

I wanted
those hula girls.

[ sighs ]
I couldn't even score
in my dreams.

In those days,
I lived on a farm
with Ma and Pa,

my brother Curtis,
and Skip and Rick,

who worked
the farm with us.

- [ all panting ]
- [ clucking, squawking ]

But I'd had enough
of the farm.

Of course, I'd miss
my animal friends.

And it was hard to leave
my true love Rhonda Jean.

I almost forgot our
neighborly next-door neighbor.

It was my last night
at home.

Boy, did Ginger
look cute.

[ shrieks, static ]

This is Bryant Gum-ball

sitting in
for my best friend
Willard Scotty.

We have a late-breaking
tornado alert

for the Greater Velcro
metropolitan area.

- [ all laugh ]
- Gordon's voice: We thought
it was only a joke.

[ wind howling ]

[ neighbor cackling ]

[ groans ]

[ yells ]

Gordon's voice:
Hold it. Hold everything!

- [ brakes screech ]
- This is just a joke, right?

I'm not really gonna
crash-land, right?

I still haven't recovered
from that crash landing

in "Hansel and Gretel."

[ resumes yelling ]

[ grunts ]

And people say
I'm off my rocker.

Hah!

[ object whizzing ]

Didn't we just
do this bit?

Ow, ow, ow!

Next time, I'm going
to fly business class.

Man:
Hey, this is a heavy scene.

You just squashed
one of our resident
wicked witches, man.

Sorry about that.

You see, I was trying
to find Culligan's Island.

I guess I missed, huh?

Well, I bet
my luggage is there.

Say, who are you?

I'm yours.
You are mine.

You are what you are.

Why do I feel like
I'm in a time warp?

Because, man,
this is the land of Oz.

Oz?
Does this mean

I have to sing a bunch
of corny songs?

No, but this is
the Mellow Brick Road.

Good place to crash.

"Mia casa ey tu casa"

and all that jazz.

[ woman cackling ]

What was that?

You guys been eating
too many burritos
or something?

Oh, no.

You say hello

and I'll say
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Ahh. So, my little Milk Dud,
I have found you at last.

Not only do you total
my dear sister,

but you steal her sneakers.
Hand them over.

Why do I get the feeling
I'm not in East Velcro anymore?

You look familiar.
Didn't I sell you
an encyclopedia?

Flattery will
get you nowhere.

Maybe I've seen your picture
at the post office.

No.
That's the president.

Now quit stalling.
Hand over those sneakers
right now

or I'll turn you
into a chicken nugget.

[ clucks ]

What did you say
your name was?

Witch.
Wicked Witch to you,
my little Jujube.

Now let's have those
ruby hi-tops

or I'll turn your little
munchie friends into trees!

He's partial to sandalwood
if you can arrange it.

Now where are those
alleged sneakers?

On your toes, genius.

Hey, that's
an unusual plot twist.

I'm sure I was barefoot
when I came out of the shower.

Okey-doke.
Enough small talk.

Abracadabra.

Hay fever sneeze.

Turn these weird midgets

into trees!

- [ buzzing ]
- Oh, drat.

Not again.

I ask for trees
and get bees.

And last week,
I tried to turn a prince

- into a stone
and he became a phone.
- [ yells ]

I hope he has
call-waiting.

It's those shoes.

Without them,
my spells never work.

And my triathlons
aren't the same either.

There goes
the ozone layer.

Now get naked from
the ankles down

or I blast you
to cartoon heaven.

They won't come off!

[ grunts ]

Shoehorns.
Never leave home
without one.

[ sneezing ]

Ooh, now you've done it.

You give me back
those hi-tops,

my little wonton.

Or I'll make sure
you get blisters

and bunions
and corns.

Blisters and bunions
and corns! Oh my!

Wait a minute.
We can't end the act
without an evil cackle.

[ Witch cackles ]

[ Gordon grunting ]

[ loud zapping ]

I thought this was
the season of the witch?

[ loud thuds ]

Maybe you should consider
switching to Top-Siders.

[ motorcycle engine revs ]

I'll get
those hi-tops back

if I have to turn you
into a cough drop.

[ engine roars ]

Whoa!
[ grunts ]

As long as she doesn't
call me her little
wonton again.

So give me a hint.
I gotta get out
of this place

if it's the last thing
I ever do.

Did he say
"pastrami on rye
with mustard"

or "go see the wonderful
Wizard of Oz"?

The Wizard it is.

But how do we find him?

Man, do you think
we'd be so short
if we knew?

Man, don't be
swattin' that bee.

He ain't heavy,
but he's my brother.

Why do I have the feeling
that this story

could become very short
and very ugly?

Now, now,
my little munchies,

that is no way
to treat a visitor to Oz.

Wow. This must be
Culligan's Island after all.

I could flip for a dame
with a sweet snout
like yours.

[ giggles ]
Oh dear.

- [ grunting ]
- I'm not that kind of girl.

Unfortunately.

Oh. Well, what kind
of girl are you?

The Good Witch kind.

But I think I can
help you find the man

who will answer
all your questions.

You mean The Great Carnac?

No, the Wizard!

You just follow
the Mellow Brick Road,

make a right
at the Enchanted Forest,

hang a Louie
at the Poppy-Tart Field,

and truck right up
to Cubic Zirconia City.

Maybe you could lead me
there yourself.

[ giggles ]

Sorry. I've got more
good deeds to do.

But you can't miss it.

Just remember...

follow
the Mellow Brick Road.

Follow the Mellow
Brick Road.

Confusing directions.

If I only had a little dog
to show me the way.

[ trills ]
Now run ♪ along.

And whatever you do,
don't take off those
ruby hi-tops.

They're extraordinarily,

astonishingly,
bewilderingly powerful.

And they
weren't cheap.

I thought there was
supposed to be

more of a love interest
in this story.

I didn't even get
the address of her castle.

Dateless
and desperate again.

Oh well.
I guess I'm off
to see the Wizard.

[ Witch cackling ]

So my little turnip thinks

he'll just waltz
to the Wizard for help,

does he?

Open sesame

with noodles lo mein.

Make Gordy fall

and writhe with pain.

I said pain,
not rain!

Oh, if only I had

those ruby hi-tops.

Funny. Bryant Gum-ball
didn't say anything

about a torrential
downpour.

[ grunts ]

Wow.

Panorama-vision!

She wasn't kidding
about the tennies.

We're the new
folk singing sensation--

- Tin...
- Straw...

And F-f-fur.

But we can't seem
to get a gig.

I can see why.

Well, according
to the short guys
down the road,

there's this
Oz guy and--

You're going to see
the Wizard?

Yeah, the wonderful
Wizard of Oz.

Okay, I said it.
I didn't want to,

but it just slipped out.

C-c-could we
come along?

I don't see why not.
Let me just take a look
here in the script.

Here it is.

"Gordy, Tin,
Straw, and Fur

go off to see
the Wizard together,

but then suddenly"--

S-s-suddenly what?

Oh, I'm so afraid.

Well, it says here that
"the sky abruptly blackens

as hundreds
of biker cats descend...

swooping down
with their claws."

[ all three yell ]

[ grunts ]

Oh, great.
Without the script,

we'll have to improvise
the rest of the story.

This could be
an animation first.

Help!

Or words
to that effect.

Excuse me.

Are you serving dinner
on this flight?

I could go for
a tabby puff pie about now.

Hey, this is great.

And I thought those
ruby hi-tops

were just a cliché
plot device.

Get ready for extremely low
visibility, furbrain.

[ yells ]

Geronimo!

Look,
a falling star.

He's not that big.

He hasn't even been
in a movie.

Oh my.

[ spits ]
This is the last straw.

Tin:
Why are you always
falling to pieces?

I thought we worked
on that in therapy.

Where the hay are we?

[ stammering ]
Helplessly hoping

and hopelessly lost.

Phew.

Oh, we'll never
see the Wizard now.

What will we do?

Don't worry.
There'll be
a new credit card

waiting for you
at your hotel.

Why am I the one who
always has to get us
out of these jams?

Why can't I be rescued
for a change?

I ask you,
why is it always me?

Good.
Go with that feeling.
Get your anger out.

You have to do something.

You're the one
with the ruby hi-tops.

Hmm.
You got a point.

Okay,
everyone hold on.

[ tires screeching ]

Gordon:
Whoa. Psychedelic.

Cubic Zirconia City,
here we come.

[ tires screech ]

[ all three yell ]

[ loud thud ]

Fur:
T-t-there it is!

Tin:
Cubic Zirconia City!

Gee, I've always wanted
to play the palace.

Man's voice:
Yo, Theo.

Is that you?

Well, sir,
Your Wizardliness,

we came to ask
for some help.

Now who might that voice
be connected to?

Is this about
the frozen Jell-O pops?

- Or what?
- All three: Help!

Listen, we've been getting
the runaround for the last
two and a half acts.

We're mad as heck
and we're not gonna
take it anymore.

Yeah, man.
Put up your d-d-dukes.

Put up your duchesses--

[ gruffly ]
Hey, hey, hey!

Cool it, boys.

Wow, it's you.

What happened to Oz?

It went out
with the '60s.

Gordon:
You've got to help us.

The Wicked Witch
is after us and--

Relax.
I know the whole story.

My agent read it to me
over the phone. You know
what I'm saying?

Then you'll help us?

Tell your peoples
to call my peoples.

But if you want
to speed things up,

you've got to get
the Witch's Harley-Broomstick.

[ chuckles ]

C-c-couldn't we
just get her DustBuster?

I said it once, guys,

and I won't say it again.

The Wizard has spoken.

How will we ever find
the Wicked Witch

when we can't find
ourself?

Tin: Look!

Gee, you ever have
the feeling

that you're
walking into a trap?

Not a bad place
for the home

of a hideously
deformed woman.

- Yikes!
- [ all clamor ]

Well, my little snow cones,

I think it's time

we made a little stew,
don't you?

Gee, don't you think
stew is a little heavy
for this time of year?

I've had quite enough
out of you,

my little
tortilla chip.

And I'm running out
of food names to call you.

Come, I have something
to show you.

Gordy?

Gordy, where are you?

We miss you so much.

I'll never see

my little Gordy again.
[ wails ]

That's it, Witch.
You've really got
my dander up.

By the way, what exactly
is a dander?

[ cackles ]

I challenge you
to a game of basketball.

One-on-one.
If I win, we go free

and you leave
my beloved family alone.

And if you lose?

If I lose, I lose.

Holy fungus, pimples,
and warts.

Turn my castle
to a basketball court.

Why do I think she's got
the home court advantage?

Now what shall I use
for a ball?

This will do nicely.

Oh great.
A basketball
with feathers.

Nice spandex.

All: Ooh.

What's the matter,
my little corn dog?

Distracted
by my dribble?

How about a hookshot?

[ cackles ]

Does she have to cackle
after every point?

- Time-out, time-out.
- [ buzzer blares ]

Anyone got a bucket
of Gatorade?

What have you done?!

Well, I think
I've slipped a disc.

Then again, maybe I gave
myself a mild concussion.

[ cats clamoring ]

I'm not sure.

[ stammering ]
Oh my gosh,

she's melting.

I'm melting.

Woe is me.
I'm melting away!

What a terrible,
terrible world.

Ugh.

Gee, I've never seen
someone turn into
a puddle before.

Not a pretty sight.

You've done it.
You melted the Wicked Witch!

You're now
the proud owner

of the deluxe
Harley-Broomstick,

- leather saddlebags.
- [ loud dings ]

Wizard:
Darling, would you
please get the door?

Thank you very much.

That's not the doorbell.
It's a music cue.

That means
the Witch is dead.

Well, guys,
congratulations.

And for the utterly
stupendous job you've done,

you have the honor
of a guest spot on my show.

What do you
think of that?

But we wanted to play
with Paul and the Band.

Uh, excuse me,
Your Wizardliness,

O Cosmic Leader,
O Mr. TV Cue.

Speak up, boy.
I don't have all millennium.

Here I am at
the railroad station

with a ticket
for my destination.

Whoa, whoa.

Home. I'd love to be
homeward bound.

Okay. Okay, son,
like they say,

there's no place
like home.

- Who's "they"?
- The folks at the network.

Who else? They have
a surprise for you.

Dear, could you
pass me the newspaper?

There's no place
like Culligan's Island.

- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah!
I kill me!