ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 2, Episode 1 - Hansel and Gretel - full transcript

In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Hansel and Gretel.

[ orchestral music plays ]

[ announcer speaks ]

[ arrows whizzing ]

[ sheep bleating ]

[ accordion music playing ]

Your knockwurst, sir.

Yeah?
What about 'em?

Oh, thank you
Brunhilda.

Greetings, "ALF Tale"
aficionados.

And welcome to
today's ALF Tale--

"Hansel and Gretel."



Hey, is that "Hansel"
as in "tonsil"?

No, it's "Hansel"
as in "cancel,"

which is what's
gonna happen to this show
if you're not funny.

Everyone's a comic.

Check, please.

"Hansel and Gretel"
is the story of a
plump Bavarian,

whose immense appetite
gets him in hot water.

That's why I'm stuffing
my snout with sauerkraut--

to help get into character.

Who is your character?
A Buick?

Ha ha.
Expect no tip.

The time?
Once upon a.

The place?
Somewhere foreign.

Girl:
Hansel, come on.
We've got work to do.



Here, you carry
the bowling balls.

[ grunts ]

That's my sister Gretel,
bless her heart.

We're selling bowling balls
door to door

to raise money
for our college education.

Hansel, I think
we're lost.

Where's the map?

This isn't a map
of the forest.

It was the last one
they had at the AAA.

Huh. Should we
go this way

or that way?

Let's go that way.

- Why that way?
- Well, for one thing,

- the other way is blocked
by a pack of hungry wolves.
- [ snarling, growling ]

[ gasps ]

Something's wrong,
Hansel.

We haven't sold
a single bowling ball.

Could be 'cause the game
hasn't been invented yet.

At least schlepping
these balls through
the forest

will give you
a good workout.

I protest.
My contract says

nothing heavier
than breadcrumbs.

[ grunts ]

- [ loud thud ]
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Maybe we should reduce
our inventory.

Lions.

Tigers!

And Bears!

Oh, my!

Don't worry.
Big brother
will protect you.

There's nothing
to be afraid of
in these woods anyway.

[ yells ]

[ cries out ]

- [ loud thud ]
- [ Hansel grunts ]

Hey, anybody get
the license plate
of that truck?

Nice going, kiddo.
I think you scared
that squirrel.

Wait a minute.

There's not supposed
to be a porcupine
in this story.

On page 146,

there's a reference
to a small forest animal.

Hi, toots.
Will you marry me?

Are you rich?
Answer the second
question first.

Sorry, she doesn't date
anyone with multiple quills.

Who are you anyway?

Let's just say
I'm on a mission.

Hansel and Gretel:
I'm on a mission.

Wait. Could you just
direct us to the
nearest house?

Or taco stand.

Well, there's
Grandmother's house,

but that's over the river
and through the woods.

And then
there's the three
little pigs' place.

But we did that
last season.

And there's Camp Eat-A-Kid.

Camp "Eat-A-Kid"?

I don't like
the sound of that.

They have a cookie
orchard there.

Point me in
the right direction.

Go about two miles

and hang a U
at the Enchanted Tree.

Fruit rolls!
One of my favorite
food groups!

Stop thinking
about your stomach.

We're still lost.

But at least we've got
something to eat.

[ growls ]
Hey, sucka,

what are you doing
with my weaves?

Whaa!
[ grunts ]

You must be Mr.--

the Enchanted Tree?

We missed our
charter flight.

Can you tell us how to get
to Camp Eat-A-Kid?

[ growls ]
This way.

[ both yell ]

- Both: Wow.
- A dream come true.

I feel a sugar rush
coming on.

Uh, Hansel,
you don't know where
that roof has been.

Jalapeños.

Mangoes.

Plump Bavarian boy.

No plump Bavarian boy?

The recipe
specifically calls

for plump Bavarian boy.
No substitutes.

This roof could use
a little bean dip.

Yahh!

[ grunts ]

Well, what have we here?

Cable repair. We fixed
your shopping channel.

A little fattening
and he'll serve four.

You poor, sweet,
plump Bavarian boy.

Why don't
you stay a while
and I'll cook you--

oy, I mean,
cook for you.

Great!
I'm starved.

Hansel, are you okay?

I'm fine.
My cellulite
broke the fall.

And I've got other plans
for the little fraulein.

Welcome to Camp
Eat-A-Kid

the most popular resort
in the forest.

Uh, if it's so popular,
how come nobody's here?

It's the off-season.

Come spring break,
this joint will be jumping.

Hansel, let's get
out of here.

She gives me
the creeps.

Relax.
She's not so bad

for a hideously
deformed woman.

This will be your room,

plump Bavarian boy.

- [ lock clicks ]
- You can call me Hansel.

Witch:
Whoops.
Wrong room.

Hansel:
What, no mints
on the pillow?

What kind of hotel
is this?

Now, let me show you
your room,

- my sweet.
- [ bones crack ]

Sweet dreams.
[ cackling ]

[ TV theme music
playing ]

Life would be perfect

if only I could get rid
of this rash.

Woman on TV:
Today on "Okrah,"

plump Bavarian boys
who get eaten.

- Fact or fict--
- [ clicks, TV turns off ]

[ birds chirping ]

Oh, Hansel,
it's time to take
your measurements

for our yearbook.

[ grunts ]

Hey, give me a hand.

Almost ready.

You look
a little thin.

Are you sure
you're eating enough?

It's my metabolism.
I can eat all I want

and it never shows.

Oops.

I'll have
to check the warranty
on my liposuction.

You look fine.

Here, have another can
of Krisco.

No, thanks,
but that's Gretel's fav.

By the way,
where is she?

Oh, she's having
breakfast in bed.

- Man: Hey, where's
our s-s-slop?
- Man #2: Yeah.

Who said that?

♪ Hello.

♪ Hello.

♪ Hello.

Hello.
We're Theodore and Simon.

I thought there were
three of you guys.

A-a-all we know
is we came for a vacation.

The old lady gave the kid
a deluxe suite

and made us prisoners.

Gee, that happened to me
and my portly brother Hansel.

A-a-and we haven't
heard from Alvin since--

Rise and shine,
happy campers.

We've got a feast
to prepare.

[ footsteps ]

Peel these kumquats
on the double

and throw them
into the pot.

What are we having
for dinner?

I believe
the appropriate word

is "who"?
[ cackles ]

"Who"? What kind
of cookbook is she using?

- There it is.
- What about the troll?

- Simon: He looks
kind of sleepy.
- [ snoring ]

Maybe a lullaby would
send him to dreamland.

[ vocalizing
"Rock-a-bye Baby" ]

♪ Don't worry,
be sleepy. ♪

I guess he was sleepier
than I thought.

On the count of three:

one, two, three!

[ chains clanking ]

Boy, he could sleep
through breaking dishes,

clanking chains,
and other live
sound effects.

She's an evil witch.

[ Gretel reading ]

I've got
to warn Hansel!

Hello, room service?

I'd like to order
two large pizzas.

Extra tabby paws.
Hold the swimmers
and gaggers.

Sis! So you've been in
the Polynesian coconut relay.

And nice outfit!
I'm getting a sarong.

Hansel, we've got
to get out of here.

That old lady's a witch
and plans to have
you for dinner.

Of course she plans
to have me for dinner.

I just ordered a pizza.

No, porko, she's eating
you for dinner.

Here, look at this book.

Hmm. Tasty!

That's me!
She can't eat the star!

Y-y-yes she can.

Let's boogie!

But we haven't even been
formally introduced.

- [ pings ]
- [ Witch yells ]

What happened here?

Where are my prisoners?

Where's my cookbook?

And most importantly,
why am I talking
to a lizard?

To the pool!

Hansel, this is Theodore.
Theodore, this is Hansel.

Weren't you president
of my 7th grade home loan?

All: Whoa!

Witch:
And don't think
about escaping.

Troll will be
watching the door.

If we can't get out
the door, we'll have
to tunnel our way out.

Aren't you done yet?

Hey, watch it.

Quit complaining.
You got us into
this mess.

I'm not complaining.
I'm supervising.

We're done.

Come on down.

Banzai!

I'm stuck!

Call the network.
I think there's
a movie in this.

[ Hansel grunting ]

I told you not to eat
everything in sight.

Hey, I'm a growing
Bavarian boy.

Well?

Jersey City.
No way.

[ crowd cheering ]

[ yells ]

What was wrong
that time?

Cartoon cliché.

Ouch!

Is it time
for a commercial yet?

Oops.
Nice oven.
Self-cleaning?

So glad you could
make it for dinner.

[ cackling ]

I'll be back to get you
in one hour.

In the meantime,

pig out!

I must say,
tunneling out of prison

sure gives you
an appetite.

Hold it.

She wouldn't want you
if you were skinny!

What?
She only wanted me
for my body?

I know! You have to
get rid of that flab
and fast!

But I'm the perfect
weight for someone

who does nothing
but eat and watch TV
all day.

Not another bite.

You are going on
a crash diet.

[ '80s pop music plays ]

Hey!

[ panting ]

[ loud crash ]

[ grunting ]

One more, Hansel.
You can do it.

[ yells ]

Gretel:
And four. And five.

- And six.
- Simon: Go for the burn.

I'd rather go
for the doughnuts.

Hey, look!
Aliens are landing.

Come on.
I'm hungry.

- So's the witch.
- [ grunting ]

Wow. I've slimmed down
to "Pudgy."

Come on, Hansel,

you still
have five pounds
of ugly fat to go.

That tacky music--
I can't control myself.

9,021...

9,022...

G-g-go, Hansel!

A million and one.
A million and two.

Come on,
you lazybones.

Gretel:
But we're chained.

No pain, no gain.

She'll be here
any minute.

This sauna should melt off
those last few pounds.

Gretel, call my tailor.
Everything gets taken in.

Where's my main course?

[ all coughing ]

Go ahead,
make my dinner.

Get him!

But I thought
he had to be fat.

Hey, I gotta watch
my cholesterol too.

[ grunting ]

[ creature squealing ]

I told you to wash
the gym socks!

One more step
and the reptile gets it.

All right, witch,
into the sauna.

You're good with
the Limburger, Hansel.

Hey, I'm a cheese whiz.
Hah!

[ Gretel giggles ]

Wait.

I'm not leaving the forest
without my bowling balls.

Hmm.

Not bad.

After them!

Come on, guys.
We're not out of
the woods yet.

Catchy slogan.

[ alarms blaring ]

[ cackles ]

How do you like
my home security system?

You left out
the pit bull.

[ groans ]

Everybody to
the volleyball net.

You know
I can't spike.

You know, this flying-
through-the-air stuff
is getting old.

And these landings
are murder.

Next time,
I get a stuntperson.

How'd you get here
so fast?

What do you think
this broomstick's for?

Light housework?
I'm a witch!

There, I said it.

Thank you for sharing.

What are we
going to do?

I don't know about you,
but I feel like bowling.

Strike!

Nice work, boys.

These are the creeps
I've been chasing.

How did you
find us?

I got a tip from some forest
creature named Alvin.

H-h-he escaped!

We're a trio again!

And you two will get
a fine reward for this.

Our college education!

How about me?

I hope you like
prison food.

But we're still lost!

- [ wails ]
- No, we're not.

[ loud clank ]

[ playing rock music ]

Has-beens.
There's our ticket out.

It's my trail
of bowling balls.

Gretel:
Back to civilization.

Bright lights,
big city.

Hansel:
Gridlock, acid rain,
trash TV.

Oh, I love
happy endings.

Hansel:
When we got out
of the forest,

Theodore and Simon
were reunited with Alvin.

Gretel became
an aerobics instructor.

And me? Well,
I gained back the weight

and invented bowling.

Hey!
Another hole in one!

Hah!

- ♪ Gordon, send us...
- ♪ Oh, send us...

♪ Into outer space

♪ 'Cause there ain't
nobody like you ♪

♪ In the Melmacian race

♪ Teach us, Gordon

♪ Make us twitch.

Hah!
I kill me!