ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Princess and the Pea - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of The Princess and the Pea.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
WITH...
HI. I'M RUNNING LATE.
WELCOME TO ALF TALES.
WARDROBE!
TODAY'S STORY IS
THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA
YOU KNOW, THE ONE
WHERE THE GIRL
HAS TO SLEEP ON
A GIANT PILE OF MATTRESSES.
PARDON ME,
MR. SHUMWAY.
I PLAY PRINCE GORDY,
A GUY'S WHO'S ALL GROWN UP
BUT STILL SMALL
ENOUGH TO FIT UNDER
HIS MOTHER'S THUMB.
PRINCE GORDY'S SECRET DREAM
IS TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,
TO BE A JESTER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS?
I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE A JESTER.
GORDON.
OH, NO.
GORDO, ROGER COHEN.
Both: NETWORK
EXECUTIVE.
GORDO, OUR RESEARCH SHOWS
THAT THIS GETUP IS
VERY BIG WITH THE KIDS.
I'M WEARING
THE JESTER'S
COSTUME,
OR YOU CAN
GET YOURSELF
ANOTHER BOY.
GET MR. SHUMWAY
THE RIGHT COSTUME!
GORDON,
THE NETWORK LOVES YOU.
DON'T HUG ME.
I'M SORRY YOU
HAD TO SEE THAT.
THAT'S ME.
PRINCE GORDY.
IF MY MOTHER
EVER FOUND OUT
THAT MY DREAM
IS TO APPEAR ON THE
DAVID LETTERROCK SHOW,
SHE'D GIVE ME
SUCH A RIM SHOT.
SO SORRY, MY P-PRINCE.
THANKS FOR KNOCKING.
YOU'D BETTER GET DRESSED
FOR YOUR ENGAGEMENT
P-PARTY, SIRE.
ENGAGEMENT PARTY?
MY MOM HASN'T EVEN
FOUND THE FIANCEÉE
FOR ME YET.
I GUESS SHE WORKS WELL
UNDER PRESSURE.
SHTICK, CAN WE
TALK AS FRIENDS?
B-BUT I AM
YOUR S-SERVANT, SIRE.
PLEASE.
IN THAT CASE, GORDY,
WHY DON'T YOU
STOP LIVING IN
A DREAM WORLD
AND STAND UP
TO YOUR M-MOTHER
FOR ONCE
AND TELL HER THAT
YOU WANT TO JEST.
CALL ME SIRE.
MY MOTHER ONCE SENT
AWAY FOR A MAIL ORDER
BRIDE FOR ME.
THE POST OFFICE SHOULD
HAVE CANCELLED HER FACE.
[ALL LAUGH]
HER MAJESTY
THE QUEEN.
ENJOY YOURSELVES,
EVERYONE.
REVEL, REVEL. HUZZAH.
YOU ARE A B-BIG HIT.
PEOPLE SAY YOU'RE
THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.
'CAUSE I CAN
TELL A JOKE OR TWO?
ALTHOUGH THEY
MIGHT BE LAUGHING
LOUD AND HARDY,
DEEP INSIDE
I'M BLUE.
I CAN CHASE
THOSE B-BLUES AWAY.
HOW?
THERE'S A COMEDY CLUB
IN TOWN.
I KNOW.
CATCH A RISING JESTER.
TONIGHT IS OPEN-MIKE NIGHT.
POOR MIKE.
ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO
CAN JUST GET ONSTAGE
AND PERFORM.
YOU SHOULD GO.
GREAT. BUT IF MOM
EVER FOUND OUT...
THE QUEEN
DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.
RIGHT. WHAT MY
MOTHER DOESN'T KNOW
WON'T HURT ME.
YOU EVER NOTICE
THE KNIGHTS
OF THE ROUND TABLE
WERE NAMED AFTER
THE ROUND TABLE?
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
IT'S A GOOD THING
THEY WEREN'T
SITTING AROUND
A COFFEE TABLE.
AAH--
AAH--
DID YOU EVER NOTICE
HOW SCARY IT IS
TO BE ESCORTED BY
A GUY WEARING A BLACK
HOOD ON HIS FACE?
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
I'M MEDIEVAL HISTORY.
G-GORDY. THIS
IS YOUR DREAM.
ALL RIGHT, BUT
KEEP THE HORSE AND
CARRIAGE RUNNING.
WELL, HE STUNK.
FOR OUR NEXT PERFORMER,
JESTER SAM KENISTONE.
AAH! YOU PEOPLE!
I'M ON THE EDGE!
DON'T MESS WITH ME!
OHH OHH! AAH!
[CRASH]
OUR NEXT VICTIM
CALLS HIMSELF
THE CLOWN PRINCE
OF COMEDY.
IT'S HIS FIRST
AND PROBABLY
LAST TIME HERE.
SO LET'S GIVE HIM
A BIG WELCOME.
AAH! OOF!
[ALL LAUGHING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY MOTHER'S A LITTLE
DOMINEERING.
SHE AGREED TO LET ME
GO OUT ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISE
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
MY MOTHER INTRODUCED ME
TO A GIRL SHE THOUGHT
I SHOULD MARRY.
THE NAME MIGHT
RING A BELL--
QUASIMODO.
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
GOOD NIGHT.
I'M GEORGE MARTY,
OWNER AND EMCEE, KID.
AS SOON AS I SAW YOU,
I KNEW YOU HAVE
WHAT IT TAKES.
YOU MEAN HE HAS
WHAT YOU TAKE.
SHUT UP.
I WANT YOU
BACK HERE TOMORROW.
THERE WILL
BE SOMEONE HERE
I WANT TO SEE YOU PERFORM.
DAVID LETTERROCK.
D-D-D...
DAVID LETTERROCK?DAVID LETTERROCK?
GEORGE, MY MAN,
MY CLIENT WILL BE HERE.
YOU'RE A PRINCE.
AND BELIEVE ME,
HE KNOWS A PRINCE
WHEN HE SEES ONE.
THIS IS IT,
THE B-BIG NIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE GREAT.
CREATIVE AND
FULFILLING LIFESTYLE,
HERE I COME.
AAH!
GORDY?
MOM.
I HAVE SOMEONE HERE
I WANT YOU TO MEET.
THIS IS
PRINCESS VERMILION.
UH, NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOUR MOTHER'S TOLD ME
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
AND WITH WORK, I CAN
STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
IT'S BEEN AWFULLY NICE
MEETING YOU.
LET'S DO THIS AGAIN
REAL SOON.
I HAVE A WONDERFUL
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
SURPRISE?
SHALL I TELL HIM?
OH, DO.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE.
VERMILION AND YOU
ARE TO BE MARRIED.
THIS CALLS
FOR A CELEBRATION.
SHTICK, PREPARE
THE ROYAL ENTOURAGE.
WE INTENDED
TO BOWL.
BOWLING? NOW?
YOU DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING
ELSE TO DO?
UH, NO. NO, NO.
GET READY,
HUSBAND TO BE.
WE WILL LEAVE
SHORTLY.
AFTER YOU.
PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
PINCH ME, SHTICK.
PINCH ME HARD.
S-S-SORRY, MY PRINCE,
I DON'T THINK
THIS IS A DREAM.
I KNOW IT'S NOT
A DREAM.
I JUST THINK
I'D BETTER GET
USED TO PAIN.
YOUR TURN, VERMILION.
OH, WHY DON'T
YOU GO FIRST?
AFTER YOU.
THANK YOU.
UGH.
OOH! I GOT ONE!
I GOT ONE!
WELL, YOU WIN.
GAME'S OVER. LET'S GO.
GORDY.
YES, MOTHER?
BOWL.
YOU'VE
GOT TO TAKE
A FIRM HAND...
OR THEY'LL TRY
TO GET AWAY
WITH SOMETHING.
EXACTLY.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE.
I THINK
I GOT A STRIKE.
AND YOU CAN STAND
ON MY LEFT SIDE.
YOUR FATHER CAN
STAND ON YOUR RIGHT.
BUT I GUESS GORDY
HAS TO STAND SOMEWHERE.
OH.
OH.
HELLO.
I'M A GHOST.
MOM, PRINCESS
PESTER,
YOU DON'T MIND
IF I EXCUSE MYSELF,
GO TO A COMEDY CLUB
AND START A NEW
LIFE, DO YOU?
I KNEW YOU'D
UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE 3 HOURS LATE.
WHERE'S LETTERROCK?
HE LEFT HOURS AGO.
GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO WALK OFF
A DRAWBRIDGE.
I'VE GOT 5 PAYING
CUSTOMERS IN THERE.
IF I SCHEDULE YOU
TO GO ON, THEN YOU GO ON!
[DRUM ROLL]
GOOD EVENING, LADY
AND A FEW GENTLEMEN.
MY MOTHER'S
A LITTLE DOMINEERING.
SHE LETS ME GO OUT
ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISE
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
[SNORING]
MY MOTHER HAS A GIRL
SHE WANTS ME TO MARRY.
THE NAME MIGHT RING
A BELL--QUASIMODO.
HA HA HA!
I BELIEVE
IN LIFE AFTER DEATH,
AND I BELIEVE THIS
PERFORMANCE PROVES THAT.
HA HA HA!
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
ANYWAY,
I'D LIKE TO STAY,
BUT I HAVE TO GO HOME
AND FIGHT PLAQUE.
THERE'S THE WAITRESS
THAT LAUGHED AT MY STUFF.
THERE'S
THAT FUNNY JESTER.
I THINK
I'LL SAY HELLO.
SHE'S COMING OVER HERE.
I'D BETTER ACT COOL.
WELL, I NEVER.
WAIT! DON'T GO.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THAT JESTER'S
INNER VOICE.
HE LIKES YOU.
HE DOES?
YEAH, HE'S JUST
A LITTLE SHY
AND NEUROTICALLY OBSESSED
WITH HIS MOTHER.
GO OVER AND TALK
TO HIM, OK?
OK.
HI. I JUST
WANTED TO
TELL YOU
THAT I THINK
YOU'RE CUTE.
THANKS, BUT I REALLY
DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS.
I'M HIDING
BEHIND A PLANT.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
I AM? I'M GORDY.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE A FLAGON OF
PUMA JUICE WITH ME?
I'D LOVE TO.
I'M AVERY
FISHER HALL.
WELL, WELL,
WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
GET ME FULL
COVERAGE OF THIS.
THANKS, BUT I COULD
NEVER MAKE IT
AS A JESTER.
MY MOM WOULD
CROWN ME, OR SHE
WOULDN'T CROWN ME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH BEING A JESTER?
IT'S A PERFECTLY
GOOD SOLID JOB.
WELL, CAN YOU KEEP
A BIG SECRET?
SURE. WHAT'S
YOUR SECRET?
I'M NOT REALLY A JESTER.
I'M THE PRINCE OF THE LAND.
WHAT?
ER--UH, OH,
I MEAN, UH...
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT
AT THIS TABLE?
FINE. THANK YOU,
GEORGE.
FINE. GOOD.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE REALLY
THE PRINCE?
WOULD I KID
THE FIRST BABE
I'VE EVER SUCKED
PUMA JUICE WITH?
WHAT AN IMPLAUSIBLE
AND INDEED METAPHYSICAL
COINKYDINKY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'MA PRINCESS.
GET OUT
OF THE KINGDOM.
HA, NO, IT'S TRUE.
I WANT TO
BE A WAITRESS
BUT MY MOTHER
WOULDN'T LET ME,
SO I STOOD UP
TO HER.
TALK ABOUT
YOUR ROLE MODELS.
GORDY, YOU'RE
A GROWN MAN.
TELL YOUR MOTHER
IT'S YOUR FUTURE,
NOT HERS.
YOU ONLY GO AROUND
ONCE IN LIFE.
YEAH. SO WHY SHORTEN IT?
SO THAT CLOWN PRINCE
IS A CROWN PRINCE.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
IF THE QUEEN
DISCOVERED
THAT HER SON WAS
A LOWLY JESTER,
THE SCANDAL WOULD
BE THE MEDIA EVENT
OF THE DECADE.
WE'D BE THE MOST
FAMOUS COMEDY CLUB
IN THE KINGDOM!
I'LL HANDLE THE MEDIA.
YOU GET A MESSAGE
TO THE QUEEN.
SURE THING, BOSS.
THE MESSAGE IS...
IF HER MAJESTY
WANTS TO FIND OUT
ABOUT PRINCE GORDY'S
SECRET LIFE,
SHE SHOULD BE HERE
TOMORROW NIGHT
AT 9:30.
YES?
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE MESSAGE.
GO!
RIGHT!
IDIOT.
UNSUSPECTING PAWN.
MILLIONAIRE.
I'M HAROLDO REVIEWER.
TONIGHT WE COME TO
YOU FROM THE SUDDENLY
POPULAR COMEDY CLUB
CATCH A RISING JESTER.
WE ASK THE QUESTION,
"JESTERS--INSANELY FUNNY,
OR FUNNILY INSANE?"
TONIGHT. HERE. NOW.
LIVE ON MY SHOW--
HAROLD.
[GASPS]
YOU SEE THAT CROWD?
I'VE NEVER
SEEN A CROWD
THAT...CROWDED.
I-IT SURE IS
P-P-PACKED.
TONIGHT IS
A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT.
ONE REASON IS
THE QUADRUPLE COVER CHARGE.
BOO!
AND THE OTHER
IS OUR FIRST COMIC,
THAT CLOWN PRINCE
OF COMEDY.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
I HAVE A VERY
DOMINEERING MOTHER.
SHE FINALLY LET ME
GO OUT ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISE
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
THEF, IT'S ALL
GOING AS PLANNED.
HERE COMES
THE QUEEN NOW.
MAYBE HER NAME
RINGS A BELL--QUASIMODO.
AND SO I SAID
TO MY OPPRESSIVE AND
SMOTHERING MOTHER--
MOM!
GORDY!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
AAH!
BY WHICH I MEAN,
WHAT A GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYBODY, HUH?
WHAT A NIGHT.
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
THE SON OF THE QUEEN
A JESTER?
I COMMAND YOU TO GO
TO YOUR ROYAL ROOM
IMMEDIATELY.
TOUGH CROWD.
YOUR SON,
GRACEFULLY COMIC,
OR COMIC DISGRACE?
THE PRINCE IS OLD ENOUGH
TO RUN HIS OWN LIFE.
HE HAS A GIFT FOR COMEDY
AND HE SHOULD SHARE IT.
COMEDY,
GIFT FOR SHARING,
OR SHARING FOR--
HEY, HAROLD,
LOOK OVER THERE!
A FAMILY OF NUDIST
MIDGET PSYCHICS.
WHO IS THIS INSOLENT
LITTLE TRAMP?
WHO? HER? SHE'S
JUST A WAITRESS.
CHECK, PLEASE.
GET OFF THAT STAGE!
COME HOME AND MARRY
THE PRINCESS I HAVE CHOSEN.
NO, YOUR ROYAL
MOTHERNESS.
YOU SEE, MOM,
I KIND OF LIKE
AVERY HERE.
SHE UNDERSTANDS ME.
AND, WELL, I WAS
THINKING OF ASKING
HER TO BE MY WIFE.
OH, GORDY!
YOU CANNOT MARRY...THIS.
SHE IS NO PRINCESS.
OH, YEAH,
YEAH, SHE IS!
RIGHT, AND I'M ONE
OF THE GORGEOUS LADIES
OF WRESTLING.
IT'S TRUE,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
I AM A PRINCESS.
IF IT IS SO,
YOU WILL SURELY PASS
THE OFFICIAL STANDARDIZED
PRINCESS TEST.
TEST?
TEST?
TOMORROW, 6:00 P.M.,
THE ROYAL FAIRGROUNDS.
BE THERE.
AVERY FISHER HALL,
A TRUE PRINCESS,
OR TRULY PRINCELESS?
ACCORDING TO THE QUEEN,
THERE IS ONE TRUE TEST--
A SINGLE PEA PLACED
UNDER THE BOTTOM MATTRESS.
ONLY A REAL PRINCESS
WOULD BE SENSITIVE
ENOUGH TO FEEL IT.
SENSITIVE ENOUGH
TO BE KEPT AWAKE
FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT
BY THE DISCOMFORT.
AVERY AND PRINCE GORDY
HAVE BEEN KEPT OFFSTAGE
IN A SOUNDPROOF BOOTH.
ALL THEY KNOW
IS THAT AVERY IS
TO SPEND THE NIGHT
ON THE MATTRESSES.
IF SHE CAN'T SLEEP,
THE QUEEN WILL
BE CONVINCED
SHE IS A PRINCESS.
IF SHE DOZES,
IT'S BACK
TO WAITING TABLES.
SHE'S NODDING OFF
ALREADY.
DEAD ON HER FEET.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M SUPPOSED TO DO
TO PASS THE TEST?
WELL, HERE'S A STACK
OF 20 MATTRESSES.
I GUESS YOU GOTTA
GO TO SLEEP.
I HEREBY ORDER THE SUN
TO GO DOWN.
I-IXNAY
ON THE EEPSLAY.
HUH?
LET THE TEST BEGIN.
[PLAYS TRUMPET]
[CLOCK TICKS]
♪ GO TO SLEEP,
GO TO SLEEP ♪
♪ CLOSE YOUR
PRINCESS-LIKE EYELIDS ♪
♪ GO TO SLEEP NOW,
GO TO SLEEP ♪
♪ GO TO SLEE-EE-EE-EE
♪ EEP
WHOA!
[SHEEPS BLEATING]
196...
BAAA!
197...
BAAA!
[YAWNING] 198...
AAH!
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[SNORING]
DAWN. THE QUESTION--
DID THE WOULD-BE
PRINCESS SLEEP,
OR DID THE SLEEPY
WOULDCESS PRIN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
GENTLEMEN,
YOUR VERDICT.
AWAKE!
FULLY AROUSED.
HASN'T SLEPT
A WINK.
I FAILED.
I'M A MESS.
YOUR MOTHER WILL NEVER
LET ME MARRY YOU.
NO, NO, NO!
SCHTICK JUST
EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
YOU PASSED.
WE CAN BE MARRIED!
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU HAD
TO STAY AWAKE.
YOU SEE,
THERE'S THIS PEA
IN YOUR BED.
EW!
I'LL EXPLAIN
ON THE WAY DOWN.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WAS IN THE BAG.
SOMETHING MUST HAVE
GONE WRONG.
YES. LIKE MY WEDDING
PLANS, YOU COW.
SO, AVERY FISHER HALL
PASSES THE TEST,
PROVING SHE IS
A TRUE PRINCESS.
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
THOSE MATTRESSES
GAVE THE EXPRESSION
"CLIMBING INTO BED"
A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
THAT'S ABOUT
THE WHOLE STORY, DAVID.
YEAH.
MOM SEEMED
PRETTY DOMINEERING.
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
SHE USED TO LET ME
OUT ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISED
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
[LAUGHTER]
AHA! YEAH!
PROMISED NOT TO GET
A LIFE. MY, OH, MY.
BUT OF COURSE,
YOU DID MARRY
THE LOVELY
PRINCESS AVERY.
I UNDERSTAND
SHE'S WITH US
HERE TONIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. CAN WE
GET A SHOT OF HER?
[APPLAUSE]
I TAUGHT HIM
EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE, GORDY.
COME BACK ANYTIME.
ONLY IF I HAVE
SOMETHING TO PLUG.
UH, WE'RE OUT
OF TIME, FOLKS.
JOIN US TOMORROW
FOR RITA RUDNER,
THE SOPHOMORICALLY
SNIDE GUY,
AND A VISIT FROM
THE NBC CENSOR.
GOOD NIGHT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
WITH...
HI. I'M RUNNING LATE.
WELCOME TO ALF TALES.
WARDROBE!
TODAY'S STORY IS
THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA
YOU KNOW, THE ONE
WHERE THE GIRL
HAS TO SLEEP ON
A GIANT PILE OF MATTRESSES.
PARDON ME,
MR. SHUMWAY.
I PLAY PRINCE GORDY,
A GUY'S WHO'S ALL GROWN UP
BUT STILL SMALL
ENOUGH TO FIT UNDER
HIS MOTHER'S THUMB.
PRINCE GORDY'S SECRET DREAM
IS TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,
TO BE A JESTER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS?
I'M SUPPOSED
TO BE A JESTER.
GORDON.
OH, NO.
GORDO, ROGER COHEN.
Both: NETWORK
EXECUTIVE.
GORDO, OUR RESEARCH SHOWS
THAT THIS GETUP IS
VERY BIG WITH THE KIDS.
I'M WEARING
THE JESTER'S
COSTUME,
OR YOU CAN
GET YOURSELF
ANOTHER BOY.
GET MR. SHUMWAY
THE RIGHT COSTUME!
GORDON,
THE NETWORK LOVES YOU.
DON'T HUG ME.
I'M SORRY YOU
HAD TO SEE THAT.
THAT'S ME.
PRINCE GORDY.
IF MY MOTHER
EVER FOUND OUT
THAT MY DREAM
IS TO APPEAR ON THE
DAVID LETTERROCK SHOW,
SHE'D GIVE ME
SUCH A RIM SHOT.
SO SORRY, MY P-PRINCE.
THANKS FOR KNOCKING.
YOU'D BETTER GET DRESSED
FOR YOUR ENGAGEMENT
P-PARTY, SIRE.
ENGAGEMENT PARTY?
MY MOM HASN'T EVEN
FOUND THE FIANCEÉE
FOR ME YET.
I GUESS SHE WORKS WELL
UNDER PRESSURE.
SHTICK, CAN WE
TALK AS FRIENDS?
B-BUT I AM
YOUR S-SERVANT, SIRE.
PLEASE.
IN THAT CASE, GORDY,
WHY DON'T YOU
STOP LIVING IN
A DREAM WORLD
AND STAND UP
TO YOUR M-MOTHER
FOR ONCE
AND TELL HER THAT
YOU WANT TO JEST.
CALL ME SIRE.
MY MOTHER ONCE SENT
AWAY FOR A MAIL ORDER
BRIDE FOR ME.
THE POST OFFICE SHOULD
HAVE CANCELLED HER FACE.
[ALL LAUGH]
HER MAJESTY
THE QUEEN.
ENJOY YOURSELVES,
EVERYONE.
REVEL, REVEL. HUZZAH.
YOU ARE A B-BIG HIT.
PEOPLE SAY YOU'RE
THE LIFE OF THE PARTY.
'CAUSE I CAN
TELL A JOKE OR TWO?
ALTHOUGH THEY
MIGHT BE LAUGHING
LOUD AND HARDY,
DEEP INSIDE
I'M BLUE.
I CAN CHASE
THOSE B-BLUES AWAY.
HOW?
THERE'S A COMEDY CLUB
IN TOWN.
I KNOW.
CATCH A RISING JESTER.
TONIGHT IS OPEN-MIKE NIGHT.
POOR MIKE.
ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO
CAN JUST GET ONSTAGE
AND PERFORM.
YOU SHOULD GO.
GREAT. BUT IF MOM
EVER FOUND OUT...
THE QUEEN
DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW.
RIGHT. WHAT MY
MOTHER DOESN'T KNOW
WON'T HURT ME.
YOU EVER NOTICE
THE KNIGHTS
OF THE ROUND TABLE
WERE NAMED AFTER
THE ROUND TABLE?
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?
IT'S A GOOD THING
THEY WEREN'T
SITTING AROUND
A COFFEE TABLE.
AAH--
AAH--
DID YOU EVER NOTICE
HOW SCARY IT IS
TO BE ESCORTED BY
A GUY WEARING A BLACK
HOOD ON HIS FACE?
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
I'M MEDIEVAL HISTORY.
G-GORDY. THIS
IS YOUR DREAM.
ALL RIGHT, BUT
KEEP THE HORSE AND
CARRIAGE RUNNING.
WELL, HE STUNK.
FOR OUR NEXT PERFORMER,
JESTER SAM KENISTONE.
AAH! YOU PEOPLE!
I'M ON THE EDGE!
DON'T MESS WITH ME!
OHH OHH! AAH!
[CRASH]
OUR NEXT VICTIM
CALLS HIMSELF
THE CLOWN PRINCE
OF COMEDY.
IT'S HIS FIRST
AND PROBABLY
LAST TIME HERE.
SO LET'S GIVE HIM
A BIG WELCOME.
AAH! OOF!
[ALL LAUGHING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY MOTHER'S A LITTLE
DOMINEERING.
SHE AGREED TO LET ME
GO OUT ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISE
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
MY MOTHER INTRODUCED ME
TO A GIRL SHE THOUGHT
I SHOULD MARRY.
THE NAME MIGHT
RING A BELL--
QUASIMODO.
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
GOOD NIGHT.
I'M GEORGE MARTY,
OWNER AND EMCEE, KID.
AS SOON AS I SAW YOU,
I KNEW YOU HAVE
WHAT IT TAKES.
YOU MEAN HE HAS
WHAT YOU TAKE.
SHUT UP.
I WANT YOU
BACK HERE TOMORROW.
THERE WILL
BE SOMEONE HERE
I WANT TO SEE YOU PERFORM.
DAVID LETTERROCK.
D-D-D...
DAVID LETTERROCK?DAVID LETTERROCK?
GEORGE, MY MAN,
MY CLIENT WILL BE HERE.
YOU'RE A PRINCE.
AND BELIEVE ME,
HE KNOWS A PRINCE
WHEN HE SEES ONE.
THIS IS IT,
THE B-BIG NIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING
TO BE GREAT.
CREATIVE AND
FULFILLING LIFESTYLE,
HERE I COME.
AAH!
GORDY?
MOM.
I HAVE SOMEONE HERE
I WANT YOU TO MEET.
THIS IS
PRINCESS VERMILION.
UH, NICE TO MEET YOU.
YOUR MOTHER'S TOLD ME
EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU,
AND WITH WORK, I CAN
STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
IT'S BEEN AWFULLY NICE
MEETING YOU.
LET'S DO THIS AGAIN
REAL SOON.
I HAVE A WONDERFUL
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
SURPRISE?
SHALL I TELL HIM?
OH, DO.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE.
VERMILION AND YOU
ARE TO BE MARRIED.
THIS CALLS
FOR A CELEBRATION.
SHTICK, PREPARE
THE ROYAL ENTOURAGE.
WE INTENDED
TO BOWL.
BOWLING? NOW?
YOU DON'T
HAVE ANYTHING
ELSE TO DO?
UH, NO. NO, NO.
GET READY,
HUSBAND TO BE.
WE WILL LEAVE
SHORTLY.
AFTER YOU.
PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
PINCH ME, SHTICK.
PINCH ME HARD.
S-S-SORRY, MY PRINCE,
I DON'T THINK
THIS IS A DREAM.
I KNOW IT'S NOT
A DREAM.
I JUST THINK
I'D BETTER GET
USED TO PAIN.
YOUR TURN, VERMILION.
OH, WHY DON'T
YOU GO FIRST?
AFTER YOU.
THANK YOU.
UGH.
OOH! I GOT ONE!
I GOT ONE!
WELL, YOU WIN.
GAME'S OVER. LET'S GO.
GORDY.
YES, MOTHER?
BOWL.
YOU'VE
GOT TO TAKE
A FIRM HAND...
OR THEY'LL TRY
TO GET AWAY
WITH SOMETHING.
EXACTLY.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE.
I THINK
I GOT A STRIKE.
AND YOU CAN STAND
ON MY LEFT SIDE.
YOUR FATHER CAN
STAND ON YOUR RIGHT.
BUT I GUESS GORDY
HAS TO STAND SOMEWHERE.
OH.
OH.
HELLO.
I'M A GHOST.
MOM, PRINCESS
PESTER,
YOU DON'T MIND
IF I EXCUSE MYSELF,
GO TO A COMEDY CLUB
AND START A NEW
LIFE, DO YOU?
I KNEW YOU'D
UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE 3 HOURS LATE.
WHERE'S LETTERROCK?
HE LEFT HOURS AGO.
GET OUT OF MY SIGHT.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
TO WALK OFF
A DRAWBRIDGE.
I'VE GOT 5 PAYING
CUSTOMERS IN THERE.
IF I SCHEDULE YOU
TO GO ON, THEN YOU GO ON!
[DRUM ROLL]
GOOD EVENING, LADY
AND A FEW GENTLEMEN.
MY MOTHER'S
A LITTLE DOMINEERING.
SHE LETS ME GO OUT
ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISE
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
[SNORING]
MY MOTHER HAS A GIRL
SHE WANTS ME TO MARRY.
THE NAME MIGHT RING
A BELL--QUASIMODO.
HA HA HA!
I BELIEVE
IN LIFE AFTER DEATH,
AND I BELIEVE THIS
PERFORMANCE PROVES THAT.
HA HA HA!
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
ANYWAY,
I'D LIKE TO STAY,
BUT I HAVE TO GO HOME
AND FIGHT PLAQUE.
THERE'S THE WAITRESS
THAT LAUGHED AT MY STUFF.
THERE'S
THAT FUNNY JESTER.
I THINK
I'LL SAY HELLO.
SHE'S COMING OVER HERE.
I'D BETTER ACT COOL.
WELL, I NEVER.
WAIT! DON'T GO.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THAT JESTER'S
INNER VOICE.
HE LIKES YOU.
HE DOES?
YEAH, HE'S JUST
A LITTLE SHY
AND NEUROTICALLY OBSESSED
WITH HIS MOTHER.
GO OVER AND TALK
TO HIM, OK?
OK.
HI. I JUST
WANTED TO
TELL YOU
THAT I THINK
YOU'RE CUTE.
THANKS, BUT I REALLY
DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS.
I'M HIDING
BEHIND A PLANT.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
I AM? I'M GORDY.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE A FLAGON OF
PUMA JUICE WITH ME?
I'D LOVE TO.
I'M AVERY
FISHER HALL.
WELL, WELL,
WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
GET ME FULL
COVERAGE OF THIS.
THANKS, BUT I COULD
NEVER MAKE IT
AS A JESTER.
MY MOM WOULD
CROWN ME, OR SHE
WOULDN'T CROWN ME.
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH BEING A JESTER?
IT'S A PERFECTLY
GOOD SOLID JOB.
WELL, CAN YOU KEEP
A BIG SECRET?
SURE. WHAT'S
YOUR SECRET?
I'M NOT REALLY A JESTER.
I'M THE PRINCE OF THE LAND.
WHAT?
ER--UH, OH,
I MEAN, UH...
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT
AT THIS TABLE?
FINE. THANK YOU,
GEORGE.
FINE. GOOD.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
YOU'RE REALLY
THE PRINCE?
WOULD I KID
THE FIRST BABE
I'VE EVER SUCKED
PUMA JUICE WITH?
WHAT AN IMPLAUSIBLE
AND INDEED METAPHYSICAL
COINKYDINKY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'MA PRINCESS.
GET OUT
OF THE KINGDOM.
HA, NO, IT'S TRUE.
I WANT TO
BE A WAITRESS
BUT MY MOTHER
WOULDN'T LET ME,
SO I STOOD UP
TO HER.
TALK ABOUT
YOUR ROLE MODELS.
GORDY, YOU'RE
A GROWN MAN.
TELL YOUR MOTHER
IT'S YOUR FUTURE,
NOT HERS.
YOU ONLY GO AROUND
ONCE IN LIFE.
YEAH. SO WHY SHORTEN IT?
SO THAT CLOWN PRINCE
IS A CROWN PRINCE.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
IF THE QUEEN
DISCOVERED
THAT HER SON WAS
A LOWLY JESTER,
THE SCANDAL WOULD
BE THE MEDIA EVENT
OF THE DECADE.
WE'D BE THE MOST
FAMOUS COMEDY CLUB
IN THE KINGDOM!
I'LL HANDLE THE MEDIA.
YOU GET A MESSAGE
TO THE QUEEN.
SURE THING, BOSS.
THE MESSAGE IS...
IF HER MAJESTY
WANTS TO FIND OUT
ABOUT PRINCE GORDY'S
SECRET LIFE,
SHE SHOULD BE HERE
TOMORROW NIGHT
AT 9:30.
YES?
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE MESSAGE.
GO!
RIGHT!
IDIOT.
UNSUSPECTING PAWN.
MILLIONAIRE.
I'M HAROLDO REVIEWER.
TONIGHT WE COME TO
YOU FROM THE SUDDENLY
POPULAR COMEDY CLUB
CATCH A RISING JESTER.
WE ASK THE QUESTION,
"JESTERS--INSANELY FUNNY,
OR FUNNILY INSANE?"
TONIGHT. HERE. NOW.
LIVE ON MY SHOW--
HAROLD.
[GASPS]
YOU SEE THAT CROWD?
I'VE NEVER
SEEN A CROWD
THAT...CROWDED.
I-IT SURE IS
P-P-PACKED.
TONIGHT IS
A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT.
ONE REASON IS
THE QUADRUPLE COVER CHARGE.
BOO!
AND THE OTHER
IS OUR FIRST COMIC,
THAT CLOWN PRINCE
OF COMEDY.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
I HAVE A VERY
DOMINEERING MOTHER.
SHE FINALLY LET ME
GO OUT ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISE
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
THEF, IT'S ALL
GOING AS PLANNED.
HERE COMES
THE QUEEN NOW.
MAYBE HER NAME
RINGS A BELL--QUASIMODO.
AND SO I SAID
TO MY OPPRESSIVE AND
SMOTHERING MOTHER--
MOM!
GORDY!
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
AAH!
BY WHICH I MEAN,
WHAT A GOOD NIGHT,
EVERYBODY, HUH?
WHAT A NIGHT.
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
THE SON OF THE QUEEN
A JESTER?
I COMMAND YOU TO GO
TO YOUR ROYAL ROOM
IMMEDIATELY.
TOUGH CROWD.
YOUR SON,
GRACEFULLY COMIC,
OR COMIC DISGRACE?
THE PRINCE IS OLD ENOUGH
TO RUN HIS OWN LIFE.
HE HAS A GIFT FOR COMEDY
AND HE SHOULD SHARE IT.
COMEDY,
GIFT FOR SHARING,
OR SHARING FOR--
HEY, HAROLD,
LOOK OVER THERE!
A FAMILY OF NUDIST
MIDGET PSYCHICS.
WHO IS THIS INSOLENT
LITTLE TRAMP?
WHO? HER? SHE'S
JUST A WAITRESS.
CHECK, PLEASE.
GET OFF THAT STAGE!
COME HOME AND MARRY
THE PRINCESS I HAVE CHOSEN.
NO, YOUR ROYAL
MOTHERNESS.
YOU SEE, MOM,
I KIND OF LIKE
AVERY HERE.
SHE UNDERSTANDS ME.
AND, WELL, I WAS
THINKING OF ASKING
HER TO BE MY WIFE.
OH, GORDY!
YOU CANNOT MARRY...THIS.
SHE IS NO PRINCESS.
OH, YEAH,
YEAH, SHE IS!
RIGHT, AND I'M ONE
OF THE GORGEOUS LADIES
OF WRESTLING.
IT'S TRUE,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
I AM A PRINCESS.
IF IT IS SO,
YOU WILL SURELY PASS
THE OFFICIAL STANDARDIZED
PRINCESS TEST.
TEST?
TEST?
TOMORROW, 6:00 P.M.,
THE ROYAL FAIRGROUNDS.
BE THERE.
AVERY FISHER HALL,
A TRUE PRINCESS,
OR TRULY PRINCELESS?
ACCORDING TO THE QUEEN,
THERE IS ONE TRUE TEST--
A SINGLE PEA PLACED
UNDER THE BOTTOM MATTRESS.
ONLY A REAL PRINCESS
WOULD BE SENSITIVE
ENOUGH TO FEEL IT.
SENSITIVE ENOUGH
TO BE KEPT AWAKE
FOR AN ENTIRE NIGHT
BY THE DISCOMFORT.
AVERY AND PRINCE GORDY
HAVE BEEN KEPT OFFSTAGE
IN A SOUNDPROOF BOOTH.
ALL THEY KNOW
IS THAT AVERY IS
TO SPEND THE NIGHT
ON THE MATTRESSES.
IF SHE CAN'T SLEEP,
THE QUEEN WILL
BE CONVINCED
SHE IS A PRINCESS.
IF SHE DOZES,
IT'S BACK
TO WAITING TABLES.
SHE'S NODDING OFF
ALREADY.
DEAD ON HER FEET.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M SUPPOSED TO DO
TO PASS THE TEST?
WELL, HERE'S A STACK
OF 20 MATTRESSES.
I GUESS YOU GOTTA
GO TO SLEEP.
I HEREBY ORDER THE SUN
TO GO DOWN.
I-IXNAY
ON THE EEPSLAY.
HUH?
LET THE TEST BEGIN.
[PLAYS TRUMPET]
[CLOCK TICKS]
♪ GO TO SLEEP,
GO TO SLEEP ♪
♪ CLOSE YOUR
PRINCESS-LIKE EYELIDS ♪
♪ GO TO SLEEP NOW,
GO TO SLEEP ♪
♪ GO TO SLEE-EE-EE-EE
♪ EEP
WHOA!
[SHEEPS BLEATING]
196...
BAAA!
197...
BAAA!
[YAWNING] 198...
AAH!
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[SNORING]
DAWN. THE QUESTION--
DID THE WOULD-BE
PRINCESS SLEEP,
OR DID THE SLEEPY
WOULDCESS PRIN?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
GENTLEMEN,
YOUR VERDICT.
AWAKE!
FULLY AROUSED.
HASN'T SLEPT
A WINK.
I FAILED.
I'M A MESS.
YOUR MOTHER WILL NEVER
LET ME MARRY YOU.
NO, NO, NO!
SCHTICK JUST
EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
YOU PASSED.
WE CAN BE MARRIED!
WHAT?
YEAH, YOU HAD
TO STAY AWAKE.
YOU SEE,
THERE'S THIS PEA
IN YOUR BED.
EW!
I'LL EXPLAIN
ON THE WAY DOWN.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WAS IN THE BAG.
SOMETHING MUST HAVE
GONE WRONG.
YES. LIKE MY WEDDING
PLANS, YOU COW.
SO, AVERY FISHER HALL
PASSES THE TEST,
PROVING SHE IS
A TRUE PRINCESS.
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
THOSE MATTRESSES
GAVE THE EXPRESSION
"CLIMBING INTO BED"
A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
THAT'S ABOUT
THE WHOLE STORY, DAVID.
YEAH.
MOM SEEMED
PRETTY DOMINEERING.
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
SHE USED TO LET ME
OUT ON WEEKENDS
AS LONG AS I PROMISED
NOT TO GET A LIFE.
[LAUGHTER]
AHA! YEAH!
PROMISED NOT TO GET
A LIFE. MY, OH, MY.
BUT OF COURSE,
YOU DID MARRY
THE LOVELY
PRINCESS AVERY.
I UNDERSTAND
SHE'S WITH US
HERE TONIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. CAN WE
GET A SHOT OF HER?
[APPLAUSE]
I TAUGHT HIM
EVERYTHING HE KNOWS.
IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE, GORDY.
COME BACK ANYTIME.
ONLY IF I HAVE
SOMETHING TO PLUG.
UH, WE'RE OUT
OF TIME, FOLKS.
JOIN US TOMORROW
FOR RITA RUDNER,
THE SOPHOMORICALLY
SNIDE GUY,
AND A VISIT FROM
THE NBC CENSOR.
GOOD NIGHT.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!