ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 8 - Rimpelstilskin - full transcript

In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Rumpelstilskin.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT

HELLO AND WELCOME
TO NIGHTLINE.

NAH, JUST KIDDING YA.

TODAY'S ALF TALEIS
FROM THE STORIES
OF THE BROTHERS GRIMM.

LET'S PEEK IN.

OOF!

UNH!

[BOTH LAUGH]

WOW!

YOU'D NEVER GUESS THEIR NAME
WAS GRIMM, WOULD YOU?

AND THAT'S WHAT
TODAY'S SHOW IS ABOUT--



A NAME.

PARTICULARLY THE NAME
OF A CURIOUS LITTLE FELLA.

AND IT'S UP TO ME
TO FIND OUT THAT NAME.

WHY?

BECAUSE I PLAY
A PRIVATE EYE.

I'LL MEET YOU INSIDE
AFTER THE TITLES, SWEETHEART.

WHY A PRIVATE EYE?

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SEE
MYSELF AS A WHITE KNIGHT

IN AN EVER DARKENING WORLD.

THAT MEANS I'M A GOOD GUY.

BUT EVEN GOOD GUYS
HAVE BAD DAYS.

AND MINE STARTED
WHEN SHE WALKED IN.

PFFT!

SHE WAS A KNOCKOUT.



THE KIND OF GIRL
WHO COULD MAKE
MR. SPOCK SPEAK FRENCH.

EXCUSE ME. DID YOU
SAY SOMETHING?

UH, UH, NO.

CAN I HELP YOU?

MAYBE, GUMSHOE.
GOT A LIGHT?

THANK YOU.

I NEED YOU TO FIND
A MAN'S NAME FOR ME.

WHOSE NAME?

IF I KNEW HIS NAME,
I'D KNOW HIS NAME.

I HAVE A FEELING
A FLASHBACK WOULD HELP
CLEAR THINGS UP.

IT ALL STARTED
LAST MONTH.

I WAS WAITING
FOR MY FATHER,

THE MILLER,
TO COME HOME.

[DOOR OPENS]

HELLO, FATHER.
HOW WAS MILLING
TODAY?

I MUST'VE MILLED
FOR HOURS.

IT IS FORTUNATE
YOU LOVE TO MILL SO.

BUT THE PAY IS POOR.

I'M SO SORRY THAT
I CANNOT GIVE YOU MORE.

OH, WELL. WE MUST
BE HAPPY WITH
THE THINGS WE HAVE--

I MEAN,
THE THING WE HAVE.

DO NOT FEAR.

TOMORROW KING BUNDY
WILL BE SPEAKING

AT THE SMITHIES, WINEMAKERS,
AND MILLERS CONVENTION.

HOW WILL THE KING
HELP US?

WHEN HE LAYS HIS ROYAL
BABY BLUES ON YOU,

HE'LL FALL
CROWN OVER HEELS IN LOVE.

YOU'LL MARRY HIM,

AND HIS FORTUNE
AND OUR LUCK WILL CHANGE.

WE WENT TO THE CONVENTION,
AND MY LUCK DID CHANGE,

ONLY NOT FOR THE BETTER.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MILLING AND YOU.
READ ABOUT IT.

MILL, MILL, MILL,
A MILLER'S DAY.

HIS EXCELLENCY,

IN THE BLUE TRUNKS
WITH MAGENTA STRIPE,

KING...BUNDY!

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

[SNIFF SNIFF] GRAPE.

GRAPE IS
MY FAVORITE FRAGRANCE.

ALL MY WOMEN WEAR GRAPE.

THIS IS NO TIME
TO BE SHY, DEAR.

KING BUNDY'S
GETTING TO KNOW YOU.

♪ GETTING TO KNOW
ALL ABOUT YOU ♪

THIS WOMAN IS A COMMONER.

ONLY AN UNCOMMON WOMAN
IS WORTHY OF A KING.

THAT IS TRUE.

IF ONLY YOU HAD
SOME SPECIAL ABILITY.

WHAT KIND OF ABILITY,
YOUR HIGHNESS?

OH, SINGING, DANCING,
HEAT VISION.

I MUST GO NOW.

MY DAUGHTER
HAS A SKILL

MUCH MORE RARE
AND SPECIAL
THAN THOSE.

IT'LL KNOCK
YOUR SOCKS OFF.

MY DAUGHTER CAN--
SHE CAN, UH...

OH, TURN STRAW
INTO GOLD.

OHH!
OHH!

WELL, THEN...

DAD!

TAKE THIS YOUNG LADY
TO THE PALACE.

GIVE HER A SPINNING WHEEL
AND PLENTY OF STRAW.

IF YOU CAN SPIN STRAW
INTO GOLD

AS YOUR FATHER CLAIMS,

I WILL MARRY YOU.

BUT WHAT IF--

AND THIS IS JUST
A WHAT IF, MIND YOU.

WHAT IF I CAN'T SPIN
STRAW INTO GOLD?

IF YOU CANNOT,

YOU WILL STAY IN THE DUNGEON
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

I'M SORRY, SWEETHEART.

I'M SO, SO SORRY.

I GOTCHA, AW, GEE, UH,

I'M SO SORRY, SORRY,
SORRY. I CAN'T--

DID THEY TAKE YOU
TO THE PALACE?

AND THERE
I WAS VISITED

BY A BIZARRE, STRANGE
IMP OF A MAN.

PEE WEE HERMAN?

NOT THAT STRANGE.

TURN TO GOLD.
TURN TO GOLD.

TURN TO GOLD,
YOU STUPID STRAW!

OH, I'LL NEVER
GET OUT OF HERE.

MAYBE YES,
MAYBE NO.

HOW DID YOU
GET IN HERE?

EASY.

A LITTLE THING
CALLED MAGIC.

YOU WANT TO GET OUT
OF HERE?

YES, BUT I'M
NOT GOING ANYWHERE

IF I DON'T CHANGE
THIS STRAW INTO GOLD.

WELL, NOW, RELAX.
I CAN DO THIS EASY.

BUT IT'S GONNA COST YOU.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

I'VE GOT
THIS SNOUT COZY.

I'LL TAKE IT.

WONDERFUL.

AND YOUR
FIRST-BORN CHILD.

WHAT?

NO! I COULDN'T GIVE UP
MY FIRST-BORN CHILD.

I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD
HIM, HER, IT YET.

FINE, FINE, FINE.
WELL, SEE YA.

[CRYING]

TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M A SPORTING MAN.

I'LL MAKE THIS
A CHALLENGE,

A CONTEST, A GAME.

YOU GOT 24 HOURS
TO FIND OUT MY NAME.

IF YOU CAN GUESS IT,

YOU KEEP
YOUR FIRST-BORN.

BUT IF YOU CAN'T
NAME ME,

THE CHILD
IS MOURN,

UH, MINE, WHATEVER.

UH, SO, ALL I DO IS
FIND OUT YOUR NAME,

AND I GET THE GOLD
AND I CAN KEEP
MY FIRST-BORN CHILD.

YOU'VE GOT A DEAL.

FINE. NOW
WATCH ME WORK.

♪ STRAW INTO GOLD

♪ STRAW INTO GOLD

♪ ALL DONE
BY A LITTLE THING ♪

♪ CALLED

♪ MAGIC

THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

UH, CAN I HAVE YOUR CARD

IN CASE I NEED YOU
FOR A PARTY OR SOMETHING?

NICE TRY.

FINDING OUT MY NAME
ISN'T GONNA BE
THAT EASY,

BUT I'LL GIVE YOU
A CLUE.

IT'S NOT IN THERE.

[ELF CACKLES]

[ELF CACKLES]

I DON'T SEE
A RING ON YOUR FINGER.

SO, I KNOW
YOU DIDN'T MARRY
THE KING.

I'D LIKE TO MARRY HIM,

BUT I CAN'T,
KNOWING THAT, ONE DAY,
AN UGLY LITTLE MAN

WOULD TAKE AWAY
MY FIRST CHILD.

HOW'D YOU GET OUT
OF THE DUNGEON?

I CALLED THE GUARD
TO SHOW HIM THE GOLD.

I ALSO SHOWED HIM
THE TIGERS,

HE SAW THINGS
MY WAY.

YOU'RE ON THE LAM.

IF THEY CATCH ME,
I'LL HAVE TO
MARRY THE KING.

AND IF YOU DON'T FIND OUT
THE LITTLE GUY'S NAME--

THAT TROLL
WILL LAY CLAIM TO MY
FIRST-BORN CHILD.

IN 18 HOURS.

WILL YOU TAKE
THE CASE?

THE RIGHT ANSWER
FOR DAMES LIKE YOU
IS USUALLY NO.

BESIDES,
I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE TO BEGIN.

WHEN THE LITTLE MAN
DISAPPEARED,
HE LEFT THIS.

A RACING FORM.

WILL YOU HELP ME?

SURE, I'LL HELP YOU,
SWEETHEART.

BUT WHO'S GOING
TO HELP US?

[SIREN]

THERE THEY ARE.
LET'S GO, MEN!

UNH!
UNH!
OOH!

YIKES!
YIKES!

HUH?

OK, WE'RE GOING IN.

OH, NO!

ALL RIGHT, SHOVEL,
YOU'RE COMIN'--

YIKES!
YIKES!

WHERE'D THEY GO?

LIEUTENANT,
OVER THERE.

I SHOULD'VE GUESSED!

EVERY TWO-BIT GUMSHOE
AND PASTRY CHEF
IN THE VILLAGE

KNOWS THIS OLD TRICK.

WE LOST THEM,
HUH, SIR?

MAYBE NOT.

I GOT A HUNCH.

[CRUNCH]

[TRUMPETS PLAY
CALL TO THE POST]

AND THEY'RE OFF.

[MEOWING]

CAN YOU SEE
THE LITTLE MAN ANYWHERE?

NO, BUT WHEN I DO,
I'M REALLY GONNA
LET HIM HAVE IT.

SAM, YOU'RE
SO DEDICATED.

DEDICATED NOTHING.

I PUT 2 BUCKS DOWN
ON THAT TABBY

HE CIRCLED
IN THE RACING FORM.

[GIGGLES]
MAYBE WE SHOULD
GET OUT OF HERE.

THE LITTLE GUY'S
BOUND TO SHOW UP.

I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT I'M DOING.

[POLICE WHISTLE][GASPS]

HEY.

GETTING THE HECK
OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M DOING.

WHOA!AAH!

WHOA!

HEY!

AHH!

[GRUNTING]

SAM.

WE'LL TAKE THE TUNNEL.
LET'S GO.

OOF!
OHH!

SAM, IT'S SO DARK.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
SWEETHEART.

IN A COUPLE OF SECONDS,
WE'LL BE OUTSIDE
AND HOME FREE.

YOU CARE TO BET
ON THAT, SHOVEL?

A SPOTLIGHT!
A SPOTLIGHT!

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE
PERFORMANCE, SHOVEL?

OHH!

SAM!

HO HO, HA HA HA HA!

SAM SHOVEL, TOUGH GUY,
PRIVATE EYE,

HE USED TO BE
A JAZZ SINGER,

PRETTY GOOD, TOO,

UNTIL THAT ONE NIGHT
A FEW YEARS BACK
AT RICK'S PLACE.

REMEMBER, SHOVEL?

THEY WERE
A TOUGH CROWD.

SHRINERS.

IT WAS HORRIBLE.

SINCE THAT NIGHT,
I CAN'T STAND TO BE
IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

OH, NO, SAM.
NOT STAGE FRIGHT!

[GULPS]

YOU HEARTLESS BRUTE.

THANKS, DOLL.

HEY, SINCE YOU
LIKE ME SO MUCH,

I'M SURE YOU WON'T MIND
IF I TAKING YOU BACK
TO THE PALACE.

HOSE OFF, COPPER!
SHE HAPPENS TO BE
MY CLIENT.

SHE IS? WELL, THEN YOU
CAN COME WITH HER.

ACTUALLY, SHE'S
NOT OFFICIALLY
MY CLIENT.

NO MONEY
HAS EXCHANGED HANDS.

DID THE COPS HURT YOU?

THOSE FLATPAWS!

THEY TRIED THE USUAL
BRUTAL TACTICS,

BUT THEY DIDN'T GET
A THING OUT OF ME.

COULD YOU CHECK THIS--

IT TOTALS
YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBERS

YOUR SECRET HIDING PLACE FOR
MARBLES AND BULLETS,

AND YOUR MOTHER'S
RECIPE FOR NOODLE KUGEL.

THAT'S TWO TEASPOONS
OF CINNAMON.

THANKS.

WELL, THEY HOLLERED
AT ME!

SAM, YOU'VE GOT TO FIND OUT
THAT LITTLE GUY'S NAME.

THE KING SCHEDULED THE WEDDING
FOR 9:00 TONIGHT.

9:00--THE DWARF'S
DEADLINE.

I'LL GET THE GUY
JUST LIKE THAT.

DID SOMEONE NOT
MENTION MY NAME?

YOU GNARLED
LITTLE GNOME,

WHAT'S YOUR
STINKING NAME,
YOU TROLL?!

AHH! TAKE IT EASY!

LAY OFF!

LADY, YOU NEED THERAPY.

SO, DETECTIVE. I SEE
YOU'VE FALLEN
FOR THE BLONDE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S TAKING THE FALL
AROUND HERE, SHORTY.

IF I DIDN'T
KNOW BETTER,

I'D THINK THAT
YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.

I DON'T LIKE
WHAT YOU STAND FOR.

YOU ARE STANDING,
AREN'T YOU?

YOU SEEM PRETTY
SURE OF YOURSELF.

WHY DON'T WE
UP THE ANTE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU GUESS MY NAME,

I'LL NEVER BOTHER
THE BLONDE AGAIN.

I KNOW YOUR
WEAKNESS, SHOV.

IF YOU DON'T
GUESS MY NAME,

YOU DO THE LATE SHOW
AT RICK'S PLACE.

HA HA HA!

THE SPOTLIGHT...

WILL BE ALL YOURS.

YOU GOT A DEAL.

NO, SAM!

YOU GOT MORE GUTS
THAN I THOUGHT.

YOUR DAYS
ARE NUMBERED, CREEP.

YOUR NAME'S MY GAME.

DIG THIS, SHOVEL.

IN 12 HOURS,
I'LL BE PICKING OUT
BABY FURNITURE,

AND YOU'LL BE DYING
OF STAGE FRIGHT.

[CACKLES]

[GASPS]

I HATE THAT LITTLE GUY.

I TALKED TO EVERY STOOLIE
FROM HERE TO HONOLULU

ABOUT THE MYSTERY OF THAT
LITTLE TROLL'S NAME.

THE INVESTIGATION
LED ME TO A STRANGE PLACE

FULL OF PEOPLE WHO FOUND
AN ALTERNATIVE

TO DEALING WITH LIFE.

YOU EVER SEEN
THIS GUY?

INDEED, CAPTAIN.

YOU KNOW HIS NAME?

UH, NEGATIVE, SIR.

BUT I WAS AT A PARTY
AT HIS PLACE ONCE.

FASCINATING THING.

NOBODY THERE SEEMED
TO KNOW HIS NAME,

BUT HERE'S
HIS ADDRESS.

[PIANO PLAYING]

♪ OH, THE KING'S FIRST-BORN
WILL SOON BE MINE ♪

♪ JUST AS SURE
AS THE SUN DOES SHINE ♪

♪ I'LL SOON HAVE ME
SOME ROYAL KIN ♪

♪ OR MY NAME
ISN'T RUMPELSTILTSKIN ♪

HA HA HA HA HA!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN! YEAH!

YOU KNOW,
THAT COULD BE HIM.

TIME TO PLAY
THE NAME GAME.

PACKAGE FOR YOU.
SIGN HERE.

"GNARLED DWARF
ENTERPRISES"?

IT'S MY
COMPANY'S NAME, SEE.

FULLY LEGAL,
I ASSURE YOU.

CRAFTY.

[CRASH]

THE LITTLE GUY WAS SMART,

BUT SOONER OR LATER,
VANITY WOULD BE
HIS UNDOING.

HA HA HA HA!

I THINK I GOT HIM.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
REALLY SORRY.

ACTUALLY, YOU'RE
TWO MINUTES EARLY.

SORRY.

THIS BETTER BE GOOD, SHOVEL.

DRAGGING ME DOWN HERE RIGHT
BEFORE THE ROYAL WEDDING.

I HOPE YOU LIKE HALVA.

IT'LL DO.

THIS BETTER
BE GOOD, SHOVEL.

JUST A LITTLE
DINNER PARTY
WITH A SURPRISE ENDING.

THIS HAD BETTER
BE GOOD, SHOVEL.

I THINK
IT WILL BE, SIRE.

SAM, IN FIVE MINUTES
THE DEAL WILL
BE FINAL

AND THE DWARF WILL
GET MY KID.

I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, MR. SHOVEL, WHAT
IS THIS ALL ABOUT, ANYWAY?

I'VE INVITED YOU HERE
BECAUSE I HAVE
THE ANSWER

TO THE MOST PRESSING
QUESTION OF THE DAY.

YOU MEAN, WHY DO
THEY IT CALL
"SHIPMENT"

WHEN IT GOES BY CAR

AND "CARGO" WHEN
IT GOES BY SHIP?

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

NO. I MEAN,
WHAT IS THE NAME
OF THIS MAN?

I SEE THIS IS
AN A-LIST PARTY, SHOVEL.

THANKS FOR THE INVITE.

WELL, HONEY, YOUR TIME
LIMIT'S ABOUT UP.

YOU READY TO
TELL HIS EXCELLENCY

ABOUT OUR
LITTLE DEAL?

DEAL?

THAT'S RIGHT, CROWN TOP.
THIS DAME YOU'RE
ABOUT TO MARRY

PROMISED ME HER
FIRST-BORN CHILD.

WHAT?

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
SHE COULD GET HIM

TO SPIN THAT STRAW
INTO GOLD.

[ALL GASP]

THAT'S WHY SHE RAN
FROM THE DUNGEON.

SHE WOULD RATHER FACE
YOUR ROYAL WRATH

THAN GIVE HER CHILD
TO THIS MINIATURE
EXTORTIONIST.

All: AWW!

I GAVE HER AN OUT.

ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS GUESS
MY NAME IN 24 HOURS.

GRANTED NO ONE'S BEEN ABLE
TO DO THAT IN 2,500 YEARS.

THERE'S STILL
TIME LEFT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU STILL GOT
10 SECONDS.

ANYBODY CARE TO MAKE
A LAST MINUTE
GUESS?

CALVIN?

UH, STING.

OSCAR LEVANT?

BOND. JAMES BOND?

[YAWNS]

LIEUTENANT LOUIS?

[SNORING]

YOUNG ABE LINCOLN?

SORRY.

WELL, I GUESS
YOU LOSE.

NOT SO FAST...

RUMPELSTILSKIN.

[RINGING]

DARN!

SAM, YOU DID IT!
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

YOUR VANITY WAS
YOUR UNDOING.

WELL, RUMPELSTILSKIN,

YOU'RE COMING
DOWNTOWN WITH ME.

WE'VE BEEN AFTER THIS
CHARACTER FOR SOME TIME.

HE TRAVELS
FROM KINGDOM TO KINGDOM

TURNING STRAW INTO GOLD

AND DESTABILIZING
CURRENCY MARKETS.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN'T
CHANGE STRAW INTO GOLD.

YOU'VE SHOWN
THE RARE QUALITY
OF COMPASSION.

I STILL WANT YOU
AS MY QUEEN.

ONE MINUTE,
YOUR MAJESTY.

BABY, I'M NOT GOOD
ENOUGH FOR YOU.

IF YOU DON'T GO
WITH THE KING,

YOU'LL REGRET IT,

MAYBE NOT NOW, BUT SOON.

AND FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE.

BUT, SAM--

'TIS A FAR, FAR
BETTER THING I DO

THAN I'VE EVER
DONE BEFORE.

I'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU, SAM.

OH, AUNTIE EM, THERE'S
NO PLACE LIKE HOME.

SAM, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

YOU'RE INCOMPARABLE.

YOU'RE IN...

IN A SPOTLIGHT!

YOU'VE CONQUERED
YOUR STAGE FRIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I GUESS BEING NOBLE
WILL DO THAT FOR A GUY.

WHAT A GUY.

I'M HONORED
TO HAVE KNOWN HIM.

I'M SORRY TO SEE HIM GO.

REALLY SORRY.

A REAL MENSCH.

IF I HAD TO GET BUSTED,
I'M GLAD IT WAS HIM
WHAT DID IT.

I WONDER WHAT FATE HAS
IN STORE FOR SAM SHOVEL?

HMM?

Sam: THE ROAST'S PERFECT.

SOUP'S ON!

YAY!
ALL RIGHT!

SAVE ME A RARE PIECE!

YEAH!

WOW!I SHOULD SAY SO.

CATNIP OF...

NO, MARK. NO!

I WILL NOT MAKE
A GUEST APPEARANCE

ON THE GOLDEN GIRLS.

I'M TALKING TO MY AGENT.

I'M NOT GONNA DO IT!

BECAUSE I DON'T LOOK
ANYTHING LIKE

ESTELLE GETTY'S MOTHER,
THAT'S WHY.

THAT'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

NOW IT'S TIME
FOR ALF'S MAILBAG.

LET'S CANVAS THE CANVAS.

OUR FIRST LETTER IS
FROM A LESLIE PODKIN--

[TELEPHONE RINGS]OF...

HELLO?

MARK!

IF YOU SO MUCH AS MENTION
THE WORD "GOLDEN..."

OH, YOU CAN MENTION
THE WORD "GIRLS."

ESTELLE GETTY'S MOTHER PALS
AROUND WITH GLORIA ESTEFAN?

MARK, BABY, I LOVE YA!

HOLD ON.

THAT'S ALF'S MAILBAG
FOR THIS WEEK.

SEE YA NEXT TIME.

LET'S TALK LOVE SCENES.

YEAH.

NO KIDDING.

♪ GORDON, SEND US

♪ OH, SEND US

♪ INTO OUTER SPACE

♪ OUTER SPACE

♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪

♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE

♪ TEACH US, GORDON...

HA! I KILL ME!