ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 5 - Jack and the Beanstalk - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.
[ORCHESTRA TUNING UP]
WITH...
[IMITATING ALFRED HITCHCOCK]
GOOD EVENING.
TODAY WE BRING YOU
THAT CLASSIC THRILLER
JACK AND THE BEANSTALK.
I PLAY JACK BATES.
JACK AND HIS MOTHER
RUN A SMALL MOTEL,
BUT BUSINESS HASN'T
BEEN VERY GOOD.
JACK'S MOTHER HAS
NO CHOICE BUT TO
SEND HIM TO THE VILLAGE
TO SELL THEIR
FAMILY PET WALLY.
THAT'S WHEN
THINGS START TO GET
CARRIED AWAY.
HEY, PUT ME DOWN,
PLANT! HELP!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
I'M REALLY
SORRY I HAVE TO
SELL YOU, WALLY.
BUT WE NEED THE MONEY,
AND FRANKLY, YOU MAKE
A LOUSY BELLHOP.
WHOA!
LOOK OUT!
OOF!
WHY DON'T YOU
WATCH OUT?
I'LL TRADE THESE BEANS
FOR YOUR COW.
I'M NOT SELLING
THIS COW FOR BEANS.
THEY'RE
MAGIC BEANS.
HURRY! HURRY!
HERE.
HYEEAH!
HEY, YOU,
GET OFF OF MY COW!
I HOPE
WHEN MOTHER SAID,
"GET A LOT OF MONEY
FOR WALLY,"
SHE MEANT DUMP THE COW
AND BRING HOME 3 BEANS.
THAT COW WAS
OUR LAST HOPE.
NOW WE HAVE NOTHING
EXCEPT THESE BEANS.
BUT, MOM,
THEY'RE MAGIC BEANS.
YOUR FATHER NORMAN
WOULDN'T HAVE
FALLEN FOR THIS.
HE WAS A SMART MAN
AND A GOOD PROVIDER.
MOM, WHAT DID DAD
DO FOR A LIVING?
YOU NEVER WANT
TO TELL ME.
YOUR FATHER WAS A...
HE WAS A MAILMA...
A WIDOW WASH, UH--
A TAXIDERMIST.
OH.
YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT
TO A HILL OF BEANS,
AND THAT'S WHAT
THESE BEANS ARE
ABOUT TO AMOUNT TO.
[MUMBLING]
[ALARM CLOCK BUZZES]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Radio: WE'LL BE SENDING OUT
SOME DEDICATIONS
TO OUR BOYS
IN THE CRUSADES.
BUT FIRST, HEY,
WE'VE GOT A RATWATCH OUT.
DON'T PET THEM,
DON'T FEED THEM,
DON'T EAT THEM.
REMEMBER, PLAGUE IS
EVERYONE'S PROBLEM.
THEY WEREMAGIC BEANS.
GENERAL MOTORS
NEVER HAD SUCH A PLANT.
I WONDER IF I COULD
CLIMB THIS BEANSTALK
ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.
I FORGOT ABOUT MY
DEVASTATING FEAR OF HEIGHTS.
I WON'T LOOK DOWN.
[GRUNTING]
WOW!
I HAVE A FEELING
I'M NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.
WHOA!
LOOKS LIKE BIG NEWS.
[WOOF WOOF]
SOUNDS LIKE A BIG DOG.
WOOF WOOF WOOF.
[PANTING]
AH, THE MORNING PAPER.
WHOA! THAT MUST BE
A TRIPLE "E", EASY.
GOOD DOGGIE.
WHOA!
OH!
WELL, ALOYSIUS,
PHASE TWO OF THE MASTER
PLAN IS COMPLETE.
SOON, NOTHING WILL
BE ABLE TO STOP US.
UH-OH.
MY MUG RUNNETH OVER.
[SNIFF SNIFF]
FEE FI FO FUM!
I SMELL...
TEA.
I DEARLY WOULD LOVE
A CUP OF TEA.
WHOA!
BAK-BAK-BAK-BAK!
COME THEN, LOVE,
GIVE US ANOTHER EGG.
BAK.
YOU WOULDN'T
WANT YOUR FAMILY
TO END UP EXTRA CRISPY,
WOULD YOU?
BAK!
BAK!
THAT EGG GETS
THE GOLD MEDAL.
IN FACT,
THAT EGG IS
GOLD METAL.
WITH YOUR HELP,
MY LITTLE GOLDMINE,
I WILL SOON COMPLETE
THE MASTER PLAN.
I'VE GOT TO GET
THAT HEN.
FOR MOM!
FEE FI FO FUM!
I SMELL.
I'D BETTER TAKE A BATH.
I'VE BREWED UP
A LITTLE PLAN.
GET IT? BREW. HA!
GERONIMO!
WELL, PILGRIM,
WE'RE A-BUSTIN'
OUT OF HERE, I RECKON.
HEE-HAW!
BAK!
I DON'T SUPPOSE
HENS CAN FLY?
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
6,000th FLOOR.
GOLDEN EGGS,
GIANT HENS, AND
CHICKEN THIEVES.
GOING DOWN!
CHICKIE, THIS COULD BE
THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL
FRIENDSHIP.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
IN YOUR NEW DRESS, MOM.
IT'S LOVELY, AND SO IS
THE NEW FURNITURE,
AND THE JEWELRY,
THE BANK ACCOUNT,
THE TAX-DEFERRED BONDS.
ITS ALL THANKS
TO THAT HEN AND
HER 24-KARAT EGGS.
I'M HAPPY
THE HARD TIMES ARE OVER.
AND THE GOOD TIMES
ARE HERE.
DO YOU HAVE
A VACANCY?
A CUSTOMER!
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK.
[COUGH, COUGH]
WELL, LET'S SEE....
UM...YES.
IT SEEMS THAT OUR
LAST GUEST CHECKED OUT
26 YEARS AGO.
THE ENTIRE PLACE
IS EMPTY.
ANY ROOM YOU LIKE
IS YOURS.
YOU'RE OUR ONLY GUEST.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
OH, THANK YOU!
YOU SURE SEEM
TO LIKE BIRDS.
I ADMIRE THE WAY
THEY'RE NOT SCARED
OF HEIGHTS
AND ALSO THE WAY SOME
OF THEM LAY GOLDEN EGGS.
EXCUSE ME?
NOTHING. YOU IN TOWN
ON BUSINESS?
BUSINESS? UH, NO,
NOT BUSINESS.
SORT OF BUSINESS.
BUSINESS-RELATED,
NOT STRICTLY
SPEAKING BUSINESS.
HA HA. UM, TELL ME,
HAVE YOU SEEN
ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS
AROUND HERE LATELY?
SUSPICIOUS?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
NO, I HAVEN'T
SEEN 2 GUYS SNEAKING
AROUND THE MOTEL
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I SEE. CAN I
SIGN IN NOW?
TIPPI LEIGH SAINT.
THAT'S A LOVELY NAME.
THANK YOU, JACK.
HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?
LUCKY GUESS.
IS THERE
A MRS. BATES?
YES--I MEAN, NO.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER.
A BOY'S BEST FRIEND
IS HIS MOTHER.
BUT, UH,
THAT'S FOR BOYS.
I'M A MAN, AND YOU'RE
MY BEST FRIEND.
MY KEY?
KEY. RIGHT.
YOU'RE IN CABIN ONE.
DO YOU HAVE
AN UMBRELLA?
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS
GOING TO RAIN.
IT'S AWFUL GETTING
STUCK IN A SHOWER.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY SWEET.
YOU'VE GOT
TO BE PSYCHO
NOT TO LOVE
A BABE LIKE THAT.
MMPH!
[CLUCKING]
MR. BATES? MR. BATES?
MR. BATES, SO GOOD
OF YOU TO JOIN US.
WHERE AM I?
OH, LET'S NOT
PLAY GAMES.
NOT EVEN PICTIONARY?
HA HA HA.
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE
BECOME A PROBLEM.
SEE, YOU'RE A MAN
WHO KNOWS TOO MUCH.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
ACCUSED OF THAT.
LET'S BE CIVILIZED
ABOUT THIS, JACK.
CAN I GET
YOU SOMETHING?
SOME CHOCOLATE MILK?
A TUNA FISH SANDWICH?
A NEW BICYCLE?
SOME SHOES? A BOAT?
I'LL TAKE THE SANDWICH,
THE BICYCLE,
AND THE SHOES.
AND I'D LIKE
THE REST IN
A GIFT CERTIFICATE.
NOW WE'RE
GETTING SOMEWHERE.
TELL ME, HOW MUCH DO
YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PLAN?
WHAT PLAN?
THE PLAN TO TAKE OVER
THE ENTIRE VILLAGE.
THE HEN LAYS GOLDEN EGGS,
WE USE THE GOLD
TO BUY THE VILLAGE,
THEN I TAKE OVER AND RULE
WITH AN IRON FIST.
THAT PLAN.
WELL, I KNOW NOW.
THAT'S OK,
I--I DON'T
NEED A LIFT.
LANDAU, TAKE OUR
NOTORIOUS GUEST
UP THE 39 STEPS
TO THE TOP OF
THE BELL TOWER.
BUT I'M SCARED
OF HEIGHTS.
NO NEED TO GET
INTO A FRENZY.
YOU'LL ONLY BE
UP THERE FOR
A FEW MOMENTS.
OH, GOOD.
THEN, LANDAU WILL
THROW YOU OFF.
OH, BAD.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
AH, THE REAR WINDOW.
ALL CLEAR, JIMMY?
JIMMY'S ON A LOOKOUT.
HE HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
SHOWING OUR LAST GUEST
THE BELL TOWER.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU
LIKE THE VIEW.
MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!
MMPH!
MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!
UNH! AAH!
[BELL RINGING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I FOLLOWED YOU.
I'M AN AGENT.
I SUPPOSE THAT MEANS
YOU'LL WANT 10%
OF THE GOLD EGGS
AND THEN YOU WON'T
RETURN MY CALLS
NO, A SECRET AGENT.
AND YOU'VE STUMBLED
INTO A DANGEROUS
SITUATION.
YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT
AND A GENIUS?
I'M CONFUSED.
I NEED A FLASHBACK.
IT ALL STARTED
MANY YEARS AGO.
A GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST
WAS WORKING ON
A SECRET FORMULA
FOR CHICKEN FEED
THAT WOULD GET HENS
TO LAY VERY SPECIAL EGGS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
FINALLY, THE SCIENTIST
FOUND WHAT HE WAS
LOOKING FOR,
A FORMULA THAT
WOULD MAKE HENS LAY
EGGS OF SOLID GOLD.
ALTHOUGH, THERE WAS
ONE SIDE EFFECT.
THE EVIL GIANT
STOLE THE HEN
AND HE DID AWAY
WITH THE SCIENTIST
SO NO ONE ELSE COULD
HAVE SUCH RICHES.
DID THIS GIANT WANT
TO USE THE GOLD EGGS
TO RULE
A CERTAIN VILLAGE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT INVOLVED
BECAUSE YOU WERE
IN THE WRONG PLACE
AT THE WRONG TIME.
WHY ME? I'M A QUIET GUY.
MY IDEA OF EXCITEMENT
IS A BRADY BUNCH
REUNION.
IT'S FATE, JACK.
THAT BRILLIANT
GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST
THE ONE WHO CREATED
THE CHICKEN FEED
FORMULA,
HE WAS YOUR FATHER.
BUT I THOUGHT
THAT MY FATHER
WAS A MAILMA--A WINDOW--
AN ARCHI--A TAXIDERMIST.
YOUR MOTHER
TOLD YOU THAT
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T
WANT YOU GETTING INVOLVED
IN ANYTHING DANGEROUS.
I WON'T LET
MY FATHER DOWN.
I'LL GET BACK
THE HEN
DEFEAT THE GIANT,
AND MAKE MY VILLAGE
SAFE FOR DEMOCRACY.
YOUR FATHER
WOULD BE PROUD.
LET'S GO.
[GASPS]
IS EVERYTHING READY
FOR THE FINAL PHASE,
OF THE PLAN, MARTIN?
YES. WHEN
LANDAU RETURNS,
WE'LL LOAD THE GOAL
ONTO THE BIRD
FOR SHIPMENT
TO FORT LOX.
THIS CALLS
FOR A CELEBRATION.
I'LL FIX YOU
ONE OF MY FLAMING
FRUIT PUNCHES.
BAK BAK!
BAK BAK!
SIR, LOOK, LOOK!
[SNIFFS]
FEE, FI, FO, FUM,
I SMELL--
AW, SHUT UP ALREADY.
THERE THEY GO.
HEE HAW!
BAK BAK!
MARTIN,
RELEASE THE BIRDS.
THEY'LL TAKE CARE
OF OUR LITTLE
TRESPASSERS.
LET'S GET
TO THE BEANSTALK.
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
THERE ISN'T TIME
TO STUFF THEM.
BAK BAK!
THE GIANT'S
COMING AFTER US.
BOK!
[CLUCKS WILLIAM TELL
OVERTURE]
I MAY LOSE MY TEMPER.
I MAY LOSE
ME...DINNER.
BAK!
OH, NO. THE ELEVATOR'S
NOT WORKING.
COME ON, JACK.
OW!
BAK BAK!
I--I CAN'T.
WHAT I MEAN
TO SAY IS,
UH, I CAN.
BAK BAK!
UNH!
UNH!
UNH!
KEEP GOING.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
I'M DEFINITELY
LOSING MY TEMPER.
WHOA!
UMPH!
WE MADE IT!
WE'RE SAFE!
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
WELL, I'VE CERTAINLY
LOST MY TEMPER NOW.
THERE'S NO QUESTION
ABOUT IT.
HEY, EVERYONE IN
THE NEXT 3 STATES,
TIMBER!
CHOO! CHOO!
MMM.
WELL, MR. BATES,
YOU SAVED THE VILLAGE,
YOU GOT RID
OF THE GIANT,
YOU GOT BACK THE HEN.
AND I MARRIED YOU,
MRS. BATES.
JUST YOU AND ME
AND...OUR NEST EGG.
BAK BAK BAK BAK,
BIG BUCKS!
HEY, MAIL MEISTERS,
TIME FOR
ALF'S MAILBAG.
HERE'S A LETTER FROM
LITTLE DEBBIE TOOTLEMAN
FROM EAU CLAIRE,
WISCONSIN.
"DEAR MR. ALF,"
"MR. ALF."
ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?
"I LIKE
THE ALF CARTOON.
"I LIKE ALF THE BEST.
"RICK IS CUTE.
CURTIS IS SO CUTE.
"I THINK ALF'S DAD
IS NICE.
I THINK
CURTIS IS NICE.
I THINK RICK IS--"
I THINK WE COULD HAVE TIME
FOR ONE MORE LETTER.
AH. "DEAR ALF, CAN I PLEASE
HAVE SOME OF YOUR HAIR?
I COULD REALLY USE IT.
SIGNED, BRUCE WILLIS."
DEAR BRUCE,
FORGET IT!
I JUST WASHED MY HAIR,
AND YOU CAN'T DO
A THING WITH IT.
HA! HA!
WELL, THAT'S IT
FROM THE ALF MAILBAG.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!
WITH...
[IMITATING ALFRED HITCHCOCK]
GOOD EVENING.
TODAY WE BRING YOU
THAT CLASSIC THRILLER
JACK AND THE BEANSTALK.
I PLAY JACK BATES.
JACK AND HIS MOTHER
RUN A SMALL MOTEL,
BUT BUSINESS HASN'T
BEEN VERY GOOD.
JACK'S MOTHER HAS
NO CHOICE BUT TO
SEND HIM TO THE VILLAGE
TO SELL THEIR
FAMILY PET WALLY.
THAT'S WHEN
THINGS START TO GET
CARRIED AWAY.
HEY, PUT ME DOWN,
PLANT! HELP!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
I'M REALLY
SORRY I HAVE TO
SELL YOU, WALLY.
BUT WE NEED THE MONEY,
AND FRANKLY, YOU MAKE
A LOUSY BELLHOP.
WHOA!
LOOK OUT!
OOF!
WHY DON'T YOU
WATCH OUT?
I'LL TRADE THESE BEANS
FOR YOUR COW.
I'M NOT SELLING
THIS COW FOR BEANS.
THEY'RE
MAGIC BEANS.
HURRY! HURRY!
HERE.
HYEEAH!
HEY, YOU,
GET OFF OF MY COW!
I HOPE
WHEN MOTHER SAID,
"GET A LOT OF MONEY
FOR WALLY,"
SHE MEANT DUMP THE COW
AND BRING HOME 3 BEANS.
THAT COW WAS
OUR LAST HOPE.
NOW WE HAVE NOTHING
EXCEPT THESE BEANS.
BUT, MOM,
THEY'RE MAGIC BEANS.
YOUR FATHER NORMAN
WOULDN'T HAVE
FALLEN FOR THIS.
HE WAS A SMART MAN
AND A GOOD PROVIDER.
MOM, WHAT DID DAD
DO FOR A LIVING?
YOU NEVER WANT
TO TELL ME.
YOUR FATHER WAS A...
HE WAS A MAILMA...
A WIDOW WASH, UH--
A TAXIDERMIST.
OH.
YOU'LL NEVER AMOUNT
TO A HILL OF BEANS,
AND THAT'S WHAT
THESE BEANS ARE
ABOUT TO AMOUNT TO.
[MUMBLING]
[ALARM CLOCK BUZZES]
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Radio: WE'LL BE SENDING OUT
SOME DEDICATIONS
TO OUR BOYS
IN THE CRUSADES.
BUT FIRST, HEY,
WE'VE GOT A RATWATCH OUT.
DON'T PET THEM,
DON'T FEED THEM,
DON'T EAT THEM.
REMEMBER, PLAGUE IS
EVERYONE'S PROBLEM.
THEY WEREMAGIC BEANS.
GENERAL MOTORS
NEVER HAD SUCH A PLANT.
I WONDER IF I COULD
CLIMB THIS BEANSTALK
ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.
I FORGOT ABOUT MY
DEVASTATING FEAR OF HEIGHTS.
I WON'T LOOK DOWN.
[GRUNTING]
WOW!
I HAVE A FEELING
I'M NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE.
WHOA!
LOOKS LIKE BIG NEWS.
[WOOF WOOF]
SOUNDS LIKE A BIG DOG.
WOOF WOOF WOOF.
[PANTING]
AH, THE MORNING PAPER.
WHOA! THAT MUST BE
A TRIPLE "E", EASY.
GOOD DOGGIE.
WHOA!
OH!
WELL, ALOYSIUS,
PHASE TWO OF THE MASTER
PLAN IS COMPLETE.
SOON, NOTHING WILL
BE ABLE TO STOP US.
UH-OH.
MY MUG RUNNETH OVER.
[SNIFF SNIFF]
FEE FI FO FUM!
I SMELL...
TEA.
I DEARLY WOULD LOVE
A CUP OF TEA.
WHOA!
BAK-BAK-BAK-BAK!
COME THEN, LOVE,
GIVE US ANOTHER EGG.
BAK.
YOU WOULDN'T
WANT YOUR FAMILY
TO END UP EXTRA CRISPY,
WOULD YOU?
BAK!
BAK!
THAT EGG GETS
THE GOLD MEDAL.
IN FACT,
THAT EGG IS
GOLD METAL.
WITH YOUR HELP,
MY LITTLE GOLDMINE,
I WILL SOON COMPLETE
THE MASTER PLAN.
I'VE GOT TO GET
THAT HEN.
FOR MOM!
FEE FI FO FUM!
I SMELL.
I'D BETTER TAKE A BATH.
I'VE BREWED UP
A LITTLE PLAN.
GET IT? BREW. HA!
GERONIMO!
WELL, PILGRIM,
WE'RE A-BUSTIN'
OUT OF HERE, I RECKON.
HEE-HAW!
BAK!
I DON'T SUPPOSE
HENS CAN FLY?
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
6,000th FLOOR.
GOLDEN EGGS,
GIANT HENS, AND
CHICKEN THIEVES.
GOING DOWN!
CHICKIE, THIS COULD BE
THE START OF A BEAUTIFUL
FRIENDSHIP.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL
IN YOUR NEW DRESS, MOM.
IT'S LOVELY, AND SO IS
THE NEW FURNITURE,
AND THE JEWELRY,
THE BANK ACCOUNT,
THE TAX-DEFERRED BONDS.
ITS ALL THANKS
TO THAT HEN AND
HER 24-KARAT EGGS.
I'M HAPPY
THE HARD TIMES ARE OVER.
AND THE GOOD TIMES
ARE HERE.
DO YOU HAVE
A VACANCY?
A CUSTOMER!
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK.
[COUGH, COUGH]
WELL, LET'S SEE....
UM...YES.
IT SEEMS THAT OUR
LAST GUEST CHECKED OUT
26 YEARS AGO.
THE ENTIRE PLACE
IS EMPTY.
ANY ROOM YOU LIKE
IS YOURS.
YOU'RE OUR ONLY GUEST.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
OH, THANK YOU!
YOU SURE SEEM
TO LIKE BIRDS.
I ADMIRE THE WAY
THEY'RE NOT SCARED
OF HEIGHTS
AND ALSO THE WAY SOME
OF THEM LAY GOLDEN EGGS.
EXCUSE ME?
NOTHING. YOU IN TOWN
ON BUSINESS?
BUSINESS? UH, NO,
NOT BUSINESS.
SORT OF BUSINESS.
BUSINESS-RELATED,
NOT STRICTLY
SPEAKING BUSINESS.
HA HA. UM, TELL ME,
HAVE YOU SEEN
ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS
AROUND HERE LATELY?
SUSPICIOUS?
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
NO, I HAVEN'T
SEEN 2 GUYS SNEAKING
AROUND THE MOTEL
OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I SEE. CAN I
SIGN IN NOW?
TIPPI LEIGH SAINT.
THAT'S A LOVELY NAME.
THANK YOU, JACK.
HOW'D YOU KNOW MY NAME?
LUCKY GUESS.
IS THERE
A MRS. BATES?
YES--I MEAN, NO.
I MEAN, MY MOTHER.
A BOY'S BEST FRIEND
IS HIS MOTHER.
BUT, UH,
THAT'S FOR BOYS.
I'M A MAN, AND YOU'RE
MY BEST FRIEND.
MY KEY?
KEY. RIGHT.
YOU'RE IN CABIN ONE.
DO YOU HAVE
AN UMBRELLA?
I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS
GOING TO RAIN.
IT'S AWFUL GETTING
STUCK IN A SHOWER.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE VERY SWEET.
YOU'VE GOT
TO BE PSYCHO
NOT TO LOVE
A BABE LIKE THAT.
MMPH!
[CLUCKING]
MR. BATES? MR. BATES?
MR. BATES, SO GOOD
OF YOU TO JOIN US.
WHERE AM I?
OH, LET'S NOT
PLAY GAMES.
NOT EVEN PICTIONARY?
HA HA HA.
I'M AFRAID YOU'VE
BECOME A PROBLEM.
SEE, YOU'RE A MAN
WHO KNOWS TOO MUCH.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
ACCUSED OF THAT.
LET'S BE CIVILIZED
ABOUT THIS, JACK.
CAN I GET
YOU SOMETHING?
SOME CHOCOLATE MILK?
A TUNA FISH SANDWICH?
A NEW BICYCLE?
SOME SHOES? A BOAT?
I'LL TAKE THE SANDWICH,
THE BICYCLE,
AND THE SHOES.
AND I'D LIKE
THE REST IN
A GIFT CERTIFICATE.
NOW WE'RE
GETTING SOMEWHERE.
TELL ME, HOW MUCH DO
YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PLAN?
WHAT PLAN?
THE PLAN TO TAKE OVER
THE ENTIRE VILLAGE.
THE HEN LAYS GOLDEN EGGS,
WE USE THE GOLD
TO BUY THE VILLAGE,
THEN I TAKE OVER AND RULE
WITH AN IRON FIST.
THAT PLAN.
WELL, I KNOW NOW.
THAT'S OK,
I--I DON'T
NEED A LIFT.
LANDAU, TAKE OUR
NOTORIOUS GUEST
UP THE 39 STEPS
TO THE TOP OF
THE BELL TOWER.
BUT I'M SCARED
OF HEIGHTS.
NO NEED TO GET
INTO A FRENZY.
YOU'LL ONLY BE
UP THERE FOR
A FEW MOMENTS.
OH, GOOD.
THEN, LANDAU WILL
THROW YOU OFF.
OH, BAD.
[MUFFLED GRUNTING]
AH, THE REAR WINDOW.
ALL CLEAR, JIMMY?
JIMMY'S ON A LOOKOUT.
HE HAD A LITTLE ACCIDENT
SHOWING OUR LAST GUEST
THE BELL TOWER.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU
LIKE THE VIEW.
MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!
MMPH!
MMPH! MMPH! MMPH!
UNH! AAH!
[BELL RINGING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I FOLLOWED YOU.
I'M AN AGENT.
I SUPPOSE THAT MEANS
YOU'LL WANT 10%
OF THE GOLD EGGS
AND THEN YOU WON'T
RETURN MY CALLS
NO, A SECRET AGENT.
AND YOU'VE STUMBLED
INTO A DANGEROUS
SITUATION.
YOU'RE A SECRET AGENT
AND A GENIUS?
I'M CONFUSED.
I NEED A FLASHBACK.
IT ALL STARTED
MANY YEARS AGO.
A GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST
WAS WORKING ON
A SECRET FORMULA
FOR CHICKEN FEED
THAT WOULD GET HENS
TO LAY VERY SPECIAL EGGS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
FINALLY, THE SCIENTIST
FOUND WHAT HE WAS
LOOKING FOR,
A FORMULA THAT
WOULD MAKE HENS LAY
EGGS OF SOLID GOLD.
ALTHOUGH, THERE WAS
ONE SIDE EFFECT.
THE EVIL GIANT
STOLE THE HEN
AND HE DID AWAY
WITH THE SCIENTIST
SO NO ONE ELSE COULD
HAVE SUCH RICHES.
DID THIS GIANT WANT
TO USE THE GOLD EGGS
TO RULE
A CERTAIN VILLAGE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT INVOLVED
BECAUSE YOU WERE
IN THE WRONG PLACE
AT THE WRONG TIME.
WHY ME? I'M A QUIET GUY.
MY IDEA OF EXCITEMENT
IS A BRADY BUNCH
REUNION.
IT'S FATE, JACK.
THAT BRILLIANT
GOVERNMENT SCIENTIST
THE ONE WHO CREATED
THE CHICKEN FEED
FORMULA,
HE WAS YOUR FATHER.
BUT I THOUGHT
THAT MY FATHER
WAS A MAILMA--A WINDOW--
AN ARCHI--A TAXIDERMIST.
YOUR MOTHER
TOLD YOU THAT
BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T
WANT YOU GETTING INVOLVED
IN ANYTHING DANGEROUS.
I WON'T LET
MY FATHER DOWN.
I'LL GET BACK
THE HEN
DEFEAT THE GIANT,
AND MAKE MY VILLAGE
SAFE FOR DEMOCRACY.
YOUR FATHER
WOULD BE PROUD.
LET'S GO.
[GASPS]
IS EVERYTHING READY
FOR THE FINAL PHASE,
OF THE PLAN, MARTIN?
YES. WHEN
LANDAU RETURNS,
WE'LL LOAD THE GOAL
ONTO THE BIRD
FOR SHIPMENT
TO FORT LOX.
THIS CALLS
FOR A CELEBRATION.
I'LL FIX YOU
ONE OF MY FLAMING
FRUIT PUNCHES.
BAK BAK!
BAK BAK!
SIR, LOOK, LOOK!
[SNIFFS]
FEE, FI, FO, FUM,
I SMELL--
AW, SHUT UP ALREADY.
THERE THEY GO.
HEE HAW!
BAK BAK!
MARTIN,
RELEASE THE BIRDS.
THEY'LL TAKE CARE
OF OUR LITTLE
TRESPASSERS.
LET'S GET
TO THE BEANSTALK.
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
THERE ISN'T TIME
TO STUFF THEM.
BAK BAK!
THE GIANT'S
COMING AFTER US.
BOK!
[CLUCKS WILLIAM TELL
OVERTURE]
I MAY LOSE MY TEMPER.
I MAY LOSE
ME...DINNER.
BAK!
OH, NO. THE ELEVATOR'S
NOT WORKING.
COME ON, JACK.
OW!
BAK BAK!
I--I CAN'T.
WHAT I MEAN
TO SAY IS,
UH, I CAN.
BAK BAK!
UNH!
UNH!
UNH!
KEEP GOING.
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
I'M DEFINITELY
LOSING MY TEMPER.
WHOA!
UMPH!
WE MADE IT!
WE'RE SAFE!
I'LL HANDLE THIS.
WELL, I'VE CERTAINLY
LOST MY TEMPER NOW.
THERE'S NO QUESTION
ABOUT IT.
HEY, EVERYONE IN
THE NEXT 3 STATES,
TIMBER!
CHOO! CHOO!
MMM.
WELL, MR. BATES,
YOU SAVED THE VILLAGE,
YOU GOT RID
OF THE GIANT,
YOU GOT BACK THE HEN.
AND I MARRIED YOU,
MRS. BATES.
JUST YOU AND ME
AND...OUR NEST EGG.
BAK BAK BAK BAK,
BIG BUCKS!
HEY, MAIL MEISTERS,
TIME FOR
ALF'S MAILBAG.
HERE'S A LETTER FROM
LITTLE DEBBIE TOOTLEMAN
FROM EAU CLAIRE,
WISCONSIN.
"DEAR MR. ALF,"
"MR. ALF."
ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?
"I LIKE
THE ALF CARTOON.
"I LIKE ALF THE BEST.
"RICK IS CUTE.
CURTIS IS SO CUTE.
"I THINK ALF'S DAD
IS NICE.
I THINK
CURTIS IS NICE.
I THINK RICK IS--"
I THINK WE COULD HAVE TIME
FOR ONE MORE LETTER.
AH. "DEAR ALF, CAN I PLEASE
HAVE SOME OF YOUR HAIR?
I COULD REALLY USE IT.
SIGNED, BRUCE WILLIS."
DEAR BRUCE,
FORGET IT!
I JUST WASHED MY HAIR,
AND YOU CAN'T DO
A THING WITH IT.
HA! HA!
WELL, THAT'S IT
FROM THE ALF MAILBAG.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!