ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 2 - Sleeping Beauty - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Sleeping Beauty.
[ORCHESTRA TUNES UP]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
[FANFARE]
GREAT PARTY TONIGHT.
PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.
BOY, I'M HUNGRY.
[BABY CRYING]
HI! SOME PARTY, HUH?
I'VE ALREADY HAD
26 FLAGONS OF THIS STUFF,
AND I DON'T EVEN
FEEL FILLED UP.
URP!
MUST BE THAT NEW
NONALCOHOLIC GROG LITE.
THE REASON FOR ALL
THIS MERRIMENT
IS THE BIRTH
OF THE NEW PRINCE.
[BABY CRYING]
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
THEY LOVE HIM!
BUT NO ONE
LOVES HIM MORE THAN
THE KING AND QUEEN.
THE ENTIRE KINGDOM--
GORDON!
ROGER COHEN
FROM THE NETWORK.
IT'S A GENUINE PLEASURE.
WE'RE IN
THE MIDDLE OF
A SCENE HERE.
LISTEN, GORD,
THE NETWORK FEELS
THE KIDS AT HOME
MIGHT NOT RELATE
TO A MEDIEVAL SETTING.
OUR RESEARCH SHOWS
THAT--THAT LESS THAN 2%
OF OUR AUDIENCE
LIVES IN THE DARK AGES.
SOMEBODY
GET THIS JERK
OFF THE SET.
WE'RE JUST GONNA UPDATE
THE LOOK A LITTLE,
YOU KNOW, GIVE THE KIDS
AT HOME SOMETHING FAMILIAR.
GEE, CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL
THOSE RATINGS SKYROCKET?
THE PRINCE HAS
BEEN GETTING A LOT
OF GREAT GIFTS.
NOW HE'S GOING TO GET
VERY SPECIAL PRESENTS
FROM THE THREE
NICE WIZARDS.
THE THREE
NICE WIZARDS!
[APPLAUSE]
WELCOME, WIZARDS.
IS THIS THE NEW PRINCE?
HE IS LIKE A GIFT
FROM ABOVE,
FILLING OUR HEARTS
WITH BOUNDLESS JOY.
[GIGGLES]
UH-HUH.
I'M WIZARD BILL GRANDALF.
THIS IS MY PARTNER
WIZARD JOE FRODAY.
THIS IS B-B-BUZZ,
JUST OUT OF THE ACADEMY.
OH, HEY, WANNA
SEE MY MANUAL?
WE'LL HAVE TO
GIVE YOUR BOY A FEW
MAGICAL GIFTS.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
IN ACCORDANCE
WITH THE REGULATIONS
PERTAINING TO MAGICAL GIFTS,
I HEREBY BESTOW
UPON THE PRINCE
THE GIFT OF BEAUTY.
HERE'S LOOKING
AT YOU, KID.
YOUR TURN, KID.
OK!
I GRANT THE PRINCE...
WHAT?
AH! I KNOW!
I GRANT THE PRINCE
THE SENSE OF SMELL.
THIS GUY WILL SMELL!
KID?YES, SIR?
THE PRINCE
ALREADY HAS
A SENSE OF SMELL.
BORN WITH IT.
NO FOOLING?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TRY SOMETHING ELSE?
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
AND G-G-GOOD.
SOMETHING LIKE...
WISDOM.
WISDOM! YEAH!
THAT'S GOOD!
WISDOM!
WISDOM.
SMART AS A WHIP!
YOUR SHOT, JOE.
WOW! WHAT A SPELL!
THAT WASN'T ME, KID.
OOH!
THE EVIL SORCERESS
OF DARKNESS!
OH, SURE, SURE.
HAVE A BIG PARTY
AND DO I GET INVITED?
NO! AND SUDDENLY
I'MTHE BAD ONE?
I JUST HOPE
I'M NOT TOO LATE
TO GIVE MYGIFT
TO THE PRINCE.
YOU'RE REALLY
TOO KIND.
MA'AM, YOU'RE IN
VIOLATION OF PENAL CODE
764 SUBSECTION D.
WE'LL HAVE TO
TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN.
I'M GONNA LOOK
THE OTHER WAY
THIS TIME,
BUT I ADMONISH YOU
TO WATCH YOUR STEP.
THIS CHILD
WILL INDEED
BE FAIR OF FACE
AND WISE OF MIND.
BUT...FOR
HIS 16th BIRTHDAY,
THE PRINCE WILL
RECEIVE MY GIFT!
FOR BEFORE
HE TURNS 16,
THE PRINCE
WILL RECEIVE...
OHH.
A NASTY...
VILE...
PAPER CUT!
OHH!
WAIT! A PAPER CUT.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
AW, BIG DEAL.
AND THIS PAPER CUT
WILL KILL HIM!
HEE HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!
I FOR ONE
AM NOT SURPRISED.
I HOPE YOU LIKE
MY LITTLE GIFT,
CHOSEN ESPECIALLY
FOR YOU.
WHAT, UH--WHAT EXACTLY IS
THE EXCHANGE POLICY
ON THIS GIFT?
SORRY.
THE SALE'S FINAL!
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
[BABY CRYING]
MY BABY!
NICE WIZARDS,
YOU MUST BE ABLE
TO DO SOMETHING.
WHY MUST HE DIE
BEFORE HE TURNS 16?
M-M-MA'AM, I--
AHEM.
EXCUSE ME.
MA'AM, WE DON'T
HAVE THE POWER
TO UNDO THE EVIL
SORCERESS' SPELL
OF DEATH,
BUT I CAN HELP.
I HAVEN'T YET GIVEN
MY GIFT TO THE PRINCE.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL,
IT'S A LITTLE
COMPLICATED.
IT SAYS RIGHT HERE
IN PARAGRAPH D
OF SECTION TWO,
"A SPELLS OF DEATH
BROUGHT ON BY A PAPER CUT
CAN BE TRANSFORMED
INTO A SPELL OF SLEEP."
CAN YOU REALLY TURN
DEATH INTO A NAP?
YES, MA'AM.
SHOULD SHARP EDGE OF PAPER
CAUSE BLOOD TO SEEP,
THE PRINCE WILL NOT DIE,
BUT MERELY SLEEP.
THEN THE EVIL SORCERESS
WILL BE FOILED,
BECAUSE ANYONE
WHO THINKS THEY'RE
ABOVE THE LAW
HAS GOT ANOTHER
THING COMING.
WONDERFUL.
NOW, IF MY SON
GETS A PAPER CUT
AND FALLS ASLEEP,
ALL WE'LL HAVE TO DO
IS WAKE HIM UP.
THE ONLY
THING THAT
CAN WAKE HIM
IS THE K-K-KISS
OF TRUE LOVE.
I'LL KISS HIM.
I LOVE HIM.
NO, MA'AM.
THE PRINCE WILL
NEED--HE'LL NEED
A G-G-GIRLFRIEND.
WELL, THIS KING ISN'T GOING
TO TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE!
LISTEN UP!
IN ORDER TO AVOID
THE EVIL SORCERESS,
THE PRINCE SHALL NOT
LEAVE THE CASTLE
UNTIL HE TURNS 16.
THAT WOMAN'S
A BAD INFLUENCE!
[APPLAUSE]
OH, I LOVE IT
WHEN YOU PROCLAIM.
AND TO REMOVE
ALL POSSIBILITY
OF PAPER CUTS,
I HEREBY
BAN ALL PAPER.
THERE WILL BE
NO MORE BOOKS,
MAGAZINES,
OR NEWSPAPERS.
ROYAL SUBJECTS WILL
WATCH TV INSTEAD.
YAY!
YAY!
AND FROM NOW ON,
ALL UTILITY BILLS
AND GREETING CARDS
WILL BE PRINTED
ON CANADIAN BACON!
YAY!
YAY!
NOW WE CAN
REST ASSURED
THAT OUR SON
WILL GROW UP
SAFE AND SOUND.
Alf: THE NEXT 16 YEARS
OR SO WERE PRETTY QUIET
AROUND THE KINGDOM.
IN FACT,
THEY WERE BORING,
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE
GONNA SHOW YOU THIS
COMMERCIAL NOW.
THE COMMERCIAL ISN'T
EXACTLY 16 YEARS LONG.
IT JUST SEEMS THAT WAY.
IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS,
11 MONTHS, AND 29 DAYS
SINCE THE EVIL SORCERESS
ZAPPED ME WITH HER EVIL SPELL.
BUT I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THE SPELL RUNS OUT TOMORROW
ON MY 16th BIRTHDAY.
SO MUCH FOR EXPOSITION.
WHAT'S ON TV?
THUNDERSLUGS.
FLUFFYSMOOCH.
AND THIS GUY.
I'M BORED
WITH THIS JUNK.
I WANT SOMETHING TO READ.
A CEREAL BOX,
A SHOPPING LIST,
A LUGGAGE TAG.
I WISH I COULD
GET OUT AND MINGLE
INSTEAD OF JUST STARING
FORLORNLY OUT THE WINDOW.
WOW! LOOK AT THE SNOOT
ON THAT BABE.
[HEART THUMPS]
[THUMP THUMP]
YO, BABE!
ARE YOU A GIRL?
OF COURSE
I'M A GIRL.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER
SEEN A GIRL BEFORE?
ON TV. BUT THOSE GALS
JUST HAD HEIGHT AND WIDTH.
YOU'VE GOT DEPTH.
I BET YOU SAY
THAT TO ALL
THE PRINCESSES.
YOU'RE A GIRL
AND PRINCESS?
WHEN I SCORE,
I SCORE BIG.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S THE DARNDEST THING,
BUT I HAPPEN
TO BE A PRINCE.
I KNOW.
EVERYONE KNOWS
OF YOUR PLIGHT,
EVEN IN
MY KINGDOM.
GREAT. THE SYMPATHY VOTE.
DO THEY ALLOW PAPER
IN YOUR KINGDOM?
REAMS.
WELL, AFTER TOMORROW,
I'LL BE OUT OF HERE.
HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN
TEACH ME HOW
A BOOKMARK WORKS.
HOW TO TURN PAGES.
IT WOULD BE
MY PLEASURE.
THEN MAYBE
ON A MOONLIT NIGHT
WHEN WE'RE ON
SOME LONELY ROAD...
YES?
AND WE'RE
CLOSE TOGETHER...
YES, YES.
YOU COULD TEACH ME
THE WAYS...
YES!
OF THE DEWEY
DECIMAL SYSTEM.
UH...
APPRENTICE!
[SHOW TUNE PLAYS]
[GRRR]
[ROWF ROWF]
[GRRRGLE]
FROM THE PIT OF DARKNESS,
THE EVIL SORCERESS!
WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU, E.S.?
IT'S BEEN ALMOST
16 YEARS SINCE I PUT
THAT CURSE ON THE PRINCE.
THERE'S ONLY ONE DAY LEFT
FOR MY EVIL SPELL TO WORK.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?
SO FAR, THE KING
HAS PROTECTED THE PRINCE
FROM HARM,
BUT I HAVE COOKED UP
A LITTLE SCHEME.
I NEED YOUR HELP,
APPRENTICE.
DO YOU AGREE
OR DISAGREE?
I AGREE. I AGREE.
GOOD. "X" GETS THE SQUARE
AND THE WHOLE
BLASTED KINGDOM.
AAH HA HA HA!
THIS IS GREAT.
I GET TO LEAVE
THE CASTLE TOMORROW,
AND I'VE ALREADY
GOT AN ENTRY ON
MY SOCIAL CALANDAR.
WHAT COULD BE BETTER?
PAPER! GET YOUR PAPER HERE!
PRINTED MATTER!
STUFF TO READ!
GET IT HERE!
SOMETHING TO READ!
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW,
WHEN EVIL SPELL
IS BROKEN.
PRINCE TO CHECK OUT PRINCESS
AT LOCAL LIBRARY.
ROYAL COUPLE
OVERDUE FOR LOVE.
I WANT TO READ
MORE ABOUT IT.
I'LL TAKE A PAPER.
AAH!
HEH HEH HEH.
"ATTACK OF THE ELVIS CATS."
"EAT ALL DAY, AND
GET FAT QUICK."
OUCH!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
PRINCE?
NO PROBLEM. JUST
A LITTLE PAPER CUT.
UH-OH.
Evil Sorceress:
DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE.
[YAWNS] WELL,
IT'S NAP TIME.
NO. DO NOT SLEEP, PRINCE,
LEST YOU REST FOREVER.
I'M NOT GOING
TO SLEEP.
I'M JUST
GONNA REST
MY EYES A LITTLE.
YOU KNOW, I'M NO
GOOD WITHOUT MY 300
OR 400-YEAR SLEEP.
WAIT HERE.
LISTEN HERE, YOU WAKE
HIM UP THIS INSTANT,
OR I'M GOING
OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOU ARE OVER MY HEAD.
WELL, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE ME
TO THAT EVIL SORCERESS
OF DARKNESS RIGHT NOW.
MY PLEASURE.
WHOO!
WHOA!
[SNORING]
WAKE UP!
[CLANG]
[BOOM BOOM BOOM]
[TOOT]
[DING DING DING]
OOH.
AHH.
OHH.
WIZARDS. ANYBODY HERE
SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL?
WELL, YOU GUYS
JUST FLEW IN HERE.
D-D-DID THE PRINCE HAVE
ANY VISITORS B-B-BEFORE
HE FELL ASLEEP?
I HAPPEN TO SEE
SOMEONE WITH THE PRINCE
THIS AFTERNOON.
DID YOU GET
A GOOD LOOK, MA'AM?
WELL, I WOULDN'T
SAY A GOOD LOOK.
A FAIR LOOK.
BETWEEN FAIR AND GOOD,
BUT CLOSER TO GOOD.
OK, GOOD.
UH-HUH.
COULD YOU IDENTIFY
THE V-V-VISITOR?
A PRINCESS.
SHE WAS VERY INTERESTED.
A GIRLFRIEND.
K-K-KISS OF TRUE LOVE.
DID YOU SEE
WHERE SHE WENT?
WELL, THIS EVIL
SORCERESS APPRENTICE
TIED HER UP
AND PUT HER
ON HIS BIKE,
BUT WHERE SHE WENT,
WHO CAN SAY?
HEY, MAYBE THEY
WENT TO THE EVIL
SORCERESS' CASTLE!
BINGO!
[DING DING DING]
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
JUST DOING OUR J-J-JOB.
THEY PROTECT AND SERVE.
WHO ARE YOU?
WIZARDS, MA'AM.
GREAT. GET ME
OUT OF HERE.
C-C-CAN'T
DO THAT,
MA'AM.
"ONCE YOU'RE
BOUND BY EVIL,
ONLY YOU CAN
SET YOURSELF FREE."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY EVIL SORCERESS
IS KEEPING ME HERE.
SHE KNOWS
THAT IF YOU
KISS THE PRINCE,
YOU MAY
WAKE HIM UP.
I MIGHT?
IF YOU HAVE
T-T-TRUE LOVE
IN YOUR HEART.
WOW! WHAT A DATE.
THE BOOK OF TRUTHS.
IT'S THE LATEST VOLUME FROM
THE SPELL-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.
IT CAN HELP YOU
DEFEAT THE SORCERESS.
TRUTH ALWAYS
DESTROYS EVIL.
"THE TOMATO
IS NOT A VEGETABLE.
IT IS ACTUALLY A FRUIT."
GOOD LUCK AGAINST
THE SORCERESS, MA'AM,
AND REMEMBER ONE THING.
YES?
THAT BOOK'S
ON A 10-DAY FREE HOME TRIAL.
YOU BREAK IT,
YOU BOUGHT IT.
"THE WHOLE IS EQUAL
TO THE SUM OF ITS PARTS."
AAH!
AAH!
OH, SURE.
GO AHEAD AND LEAVE.
NEVERMIND
THAT I'VE BEEN
COOKING ALL DAY.
AAH!
OW!
"THERE ARE 42 DOTS
ON A PAIR OF DICE."
THE BOOK OF TRUTHS,
VOLUME SEVEN.
YOU'RE FINISHED,
OLD LADY.
I WON'T BE DEFEATED
THAT EASILY.
I'LL COMBAT YOUR TRUTH
WITH LIES.
MOST BREAKFAST CEREALS
HAVE NO ADDED SUGAR.
WHOA!
"CITIZENS OF NEW ZEALAND
ARE CALLED KIWIS."
AAH!
MY NAILS! YOU'VE
CHIPPED MY NAILS.
ALL RIGHT, TRY THIS
ONE ON FOR SIZE.
THE CHECK
IS IN THE MAIL!
AAH! WHOA!
AAH HA HA HA!
WHERE IS
THE TRUTH NOW,
YOU BRAT?
UH...
LEFT UNTREATED, PLAQUE
CAN LEAD TO GUM DISEASE.
AAH!
AAH! MY PERMANENT.
OHH! MY DIET.
I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING.
OH, NO! MY CREDIT CARDS.
THEY'RE MELTING.
THEY'RE MELTING!
LOOK WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO ME.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE ME NOW.
I'VE GOT A HOT DATE
WITH A SNORING PRINCE.
OK, WHERE'S
THE PATIENT?
JUST A SECOND, MISSY.
WHO DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE
BUSTING INTO
OUR THRONE ROOM
AND TRYING
TO SEDUCE MY SON?
LUCILLE, THE KISS
OF TRUE LOVE
WILL WAKE OUR SON.
KNOCK HIS SOCKS OFF.
[ALARM BUZZES]
THAT WAS GREAT!
I FEEL LIKE I'VE
BEEN ASLEEP
A HUNDRED YEARS.
WHAT'S THAT, SIR?
A CLOCK RADIO.
SEEMS TO WORK.
I'LL MAKE A NOTE
TO PUT THAT
IN THE MANUAL.
I ALREADY DID, SIR.
THANKS, KID.
IT SEEMS THAT WE ALL
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
LET'S EAT.
NOT SO FAST,
SUGAR SNOOT.
[POP]
WELL, I FEEL RESTED--
[POP]
NOTHING LIKE
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
[POP]
I'VE BEEN HAVING
THE WEIRDEST DREAM.
[POP]
WHEN THE PRINCESS
FINALLY RAN OUT OF STEAM,
WE GOT MARRIED AND
WE REALLY DID LIVE
HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
EXCEPT FOR AN IMPRESSIVE
CASE OF CHAPPED LIPS.
AHH! AHH!
[SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH]
GREETINGS,
FIRST CLASS FANS.
IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN
FOR "ASK DR. ALF."
OUR FIRST ONE.
"DEAR DR. ALF,
"I EAT NOTHING
BUT BABY FOOD.
"I ENJOY SENSELESS VIOLENCE,
"AND MY HEAD FEELS
LIKE IT'S MADE OF STEEL.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"
SIGNED, COLOR ME BLUE.
DEAR COLOR ME BLUE,
YOU'RE NOT SICK,
YOU'RE A ROBOCOP!
ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.
"DEAR DR. ALF,
"AFTER WATCHING TV
FOR 8 OR 9 HOURS STRAIGHT,
"MY EYES BEGIN TO HURT.
WHAT CAN I DO?"
SIGNED, SOFA SPUD.
DEAR S.S., WORK THROUGH
THE AGONY, ALL RIGHT?
AFTER 12 OR 13 HOURS,
I GUARENTEE YOU, YOU WON'T
BE AWARE OF THE DISCOMFORT,
OR ANYTHING ELSE.
REMEMBER, NO PAIN,
NO GAIN.
NEXT!
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
[FANFARE]
GREAT PARTY TONIGHT.
PEOPLE EVERYWHERE.
BOY, I'M HUNGRY.
[BABY CRYING]
HI! SOME PARTY, HUH?
I'VE ALREADY HAD
26 FLAGONS OF THIS STUFF,
AND I DON'T EVEN
FEEL FILLED UP.
URP!
MUST BE THAT NEW
NONALCOHOLIC GROG LITE.
THE REASON FOR ALL
THIS MERRIMENT
IS THE BIRTH
OF THE NEW PRINCE.
[BABY CRYING]
SHUT UP!
SHUT UP!
THEY LOVE HIM!
BUT NO ONE
LOVES HIM MORE THAN
THE KING AND QUEEN.
THE ENTIRE KINGDOM--
GORDON!
ROGER COHEN
FROM THE NETWORK.
IT'S A GENUINE PLEASURE.
WE'RE IN
THE MIDDLE OF
A SCENE HERE.
LISTEN, GORD,
THE NETWORK FEELS
THE KIDS AT HOME
MIGHT NOT RELATE
TO A MEDIEVAL SETTING.
OUR RESEARCH SHOWS
THAT--THAT LESS THAN 2%
OF OUR AUDIENCE
LIVES IN THE DARK AGES.
SOMEBODY
GET THIS JERK
OFF THE SET.
WE'RE JUST GONNA UPDATE
THE LOOK A LITTLE,
YOU KNOW, GIVE THE KIDS
AT HOME SOMETHING FAMILIAR.
GEE, CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL
THOSE RATINGS SKYROCKET?
THE PRINCE HAS
BEEN GETTING A LOT
OF GREAT GIFTS.
NOW HE'S GOING TO GET
VERY SPECIAL PRESENTS
FROM THE THREE
NICE WIZARDS.
THE THREE
NICE WIZARDS!
[APPLAUSE]
WELCOME, WIZARDS.
IS THIS THE NEW PRINCE?
HE IS LIKE A GIFT
FROM ABOVE,
FILLING OUR HEARTS
WITH BOUNDLESS JOY.
[GIGGLES]
UH-HUH.
I'M WIZARD BILL GRANDALF.
THIS IS MY PARTNER
WIZARD JOE FRODAY.
THIS IS B-B-BUZZ,
JUST OUT OF THE ACADEMY.
OH, HEY, WANNA
SEE MY MANUAL?
WE'LL HAVE TO
GIVE YOUR BOY A FEW
MAGICAL GIFTS.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.
IN ACCORDANCE
WITH THE REGULATIONS
PERTAINING TO MAGICAL GIFTS,
I HEREBY BESTOW
UPON THE PRINCE
THE GIFT OF BEAUTY.
HERE'S LOOKING
AT YOU, KID.
YOUR TURN, KID.
OK!
I GRANT THE PRINCE...
WHAT?
AH! I KNOW!
I GRANT THE PRINCE
THE SENSE OF SMELL.
THIS GUY WILL SMELL!
KID?YES, SIR?
THE PRINCE
ALREADY HAS
A SENSE OF SMELL.
BORN WITH IT.
NO FOOLING?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TRY SOMETHING ELSE?
SOMETHING WONDERFUL
AND G-G-GOOD.
SOMETHING LIKE...
WISDOM.
WISDOM! YEAH!
THAT'S GOOD!
WISDOM!
WISDOM.
SMART AS A WHIP!
YOUR SHOT, JOE.
WOW! WHAT A SPELL!
THAT WASN'T ME, KID.
OOH!
THE EVIL SORCERESS
OF DARKNESS!
OH, SURE, SURE.
HAVE A BIG PARTY
AND DO I GET INVITED?
NO! AND SUDDENLY
I'MTHE BAD ONE?
I JUST HOPE
I'M NOT TOO LATE
TO GIVE MYGIFT
TO THE PRINCE.
YOU'RE REALLY
TOO KIND.
MA'AM, YOU'RE IN
VIOLATION OF PENAL CODE
764 SUBSECTION D.
WE'LL HAVE TO
TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN.
I'M GONNA LOOK
THE OTHER WAY
THIS TIME,
BUT I ADMONISH YOU
TO WATCH YOUR STEP.
THIS CHILD
WILL INDEED
BE FAIR OF FACE
AND WISE OF MIND.
BUT...FOR
HIS 16th BIRTHDAY,
THE PRINCE WILL
RECEIVE MY GIFT!
FOR BEFORE
HE TURNS 16,
THE PRINCE
WILL RECEIVE...
OHH.
A NASTY...
VILE...
PAPER CUT!
OHH!
WAIT! A PAPER CUT.
THAT'S NOT SO BAD.
AW, BIG DEAL.
AND THIS PAPER CUT
WILL KILL HIM!
HEE HA HA!
HA HA HA HA!
I FOR ONE
AM NOT SURPRISED.
I HOPE YOU LIKE
MY LITTLE GIFT,
CHOSEN ESPECIALLY
FOR YOU.
WHAT, UH--WHAT EXACTLY IS
THE EXCHANGE POLICY
ON THIS GIFT?
SORRY.
THE SALE'S FINAL!
HA HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
[BABY CRYING]
MY BABY!
NICE WIZARDS,
YOU MUST BE ABLE
TO DO SOMETHING.
WHY MUST HE DIE
BEFORE HE TURNS 16?
M-M-MA'AM, I--
AHEM.
EXCUSE ME.
MA'AM, WE DON'T
HAVE THE POWER
TO UNDO THE EVIL
SORCERESS' SPELL
OF DEATH,
BUT I CAN HELP.
I HAVEN'T YET GIVEN
MY GIFT TO THE PRINCE.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL,
IT'S A LITTLE
COMPLICATED.
IT SAYS RIGHT HERE
IN PARAGRAPH D
OF SECTION TWO,
"A SPELLS OF DEATH
BROUGHT ON BY A PAPER CUT
CAN BE TRANSFORMED
INTO A SPELL OF SLEEP."
CAN YOU REALLY TURN
DEATH INTO A NAP?
YES, MA'AM.
SHOULD SHARP EDGE OF PAPER
CAUSE BLOOD TO SEEP,
THE PRINCE WILL NOT DIE,
BUT MERELY SLEEP.
THEN THE EVIL SORCERESS
WILL BE FOILED,
BECAUSE ANYONE
WHO THINKS THEY'RE
ABOVE THE LAW
HAS GOT ANOTHER
THING COMING.
WONDERFUL.
NOW, IF MY SON
GETS A PAPER CUT
AND FALLS ASLEEP,
ALL WE'LL HAVE TO DO
IS WAKE HIM UP.
THE ONLY
THING THAT
CAN WAKE HIM
IS THE K-K-KISS
OF TRUE LOVE.
I'LL KISS HIM.
I LOVE HIM.
NO, MA'AM.
THE PRINCE WILL
NEED--HE'LL NEED
A G-G-GIRLFRIEND.
WELL, THIS KING ISN'T GOING
TO TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE!
LISTEN UP!
IN ORDER TO AVOID
THE EVIL SORCERESS,
THE PRINCE SHALL NOT
LEAVE THE CASTLE
UNTIL HE TURNS 16.
THAT WOMAN'S
A BAD INFLUENCE!
[APPLAUSE]
OH, I LOVE IT
WHEN YOU PROCLAIM.
AND TO REMOVE
ALL POSSIBILITY
OF PAPER CUTS,
I HEREBY
BAN ALL PAPER.
THERE WILL BE
NO MORE BOOKS,
MAGAZINES,
OR NEWSPAPERS.
ROYAL SUBJECTS WILL
WATCH TV INSTEAD.
YAY!
YAY!
AND FROM NOW ON,
ALL UTILITY BILLS
AND GREETING CARDS
WILL BE PRINTED
ON CANADIAN BACON!
YAY!
YAY!
NOW WE CAN
REST ASSURED
THAT OUR SON
WILL GROW UP
SAFE AND SOUND.
Alf: THE NEXT 16 YEARS
OR SO WERE PRETTY QUIET
AROUND THE KINGDOM.
IN FACT,
THEY WERE BORING,
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE
GONNA SHOW YOU THIS
COMMERCIAL NOW.
THE COMMERCIAL ISN'T
EXACTLY 16 YEARS LONG.
IT JUST SEEMS THAT WAY.
IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS,
11 MONTHS, AND 29 DAYS
SINCE THE EVIL SORCERESS
ZAPPED ME WITH HER EVIL SPELL.
BUT I'M HAPPY TO SAY
THE SPELL RUNS OUT TOMORROW
ON MY 16th BIRTHDAY.
SO MUCH FOR EXPOSITION.
WHAT'S ON TV?
THUNDERSLUGS.
FLUFFYSMOOCH.
AND THIS GUY.
I'M BORED
WITH THIS JUNK.
I WANT SOMETHING TO READ.
A CEREAL BOX,
A SHOPPING LIST,
A LUGGAGE TAG.
I WISH I COULD
GET OUT AND MINGLE
INSTEAD OF JUST STARING
FORLORNLY OUT THE WINDOW.
WOW! LOOK AT THE SNOOT
ON THAT BABE.
[HEART THUMPS]
[THUMP THUMP]
YO, BABE!
ARE YOU A GIRL?
OF COURSE
I'M A GIRL.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER
SEEN A GIRL BEFORE?
ON TV. BUT THOSE GALS
JUST HAD HEIGHT AND WIDTH.
YOU'VE GOT DEPTH.
I BET YOU SAY
THAT TO ALL
THE PRINCESSES.
YOU'RE A GIRL
AND PRINCESS?
WHEN I SCORE,
I SCORE BIG.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S THE DARNDEST THING,
BUT I HAPPEN
TO BE A PRINCE.
I KNOW.
EVERYONE KNOWS
OF YOUR PLIGHT,
EVEN IN
MY KINGDOM.
GREAT. THE SYMPATHY VOTE.
DO THEY ALLOW PAPER
IN YOUR KINGDOM?
REAMS.
WELL, AFTER TOMORROW,
I'LL BE OUT OF HERE.
HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN
TEACH ME HOW
A BOOKMARK WORKS.
HOW TO TURN PAGES.
IT WOULD BE
MY PLEASURE.
THEN MAYBE
ON A MOONLIT NIGHT
WHEN WE'RE ON
SOME LONELY ROAD...
YES?
AND WE'RE
CLOSE TOGETHER...
YES, YES.
YOU COULD TEACH ME
THE WAYS...
YES!
OF THE DEWEY
DECIMAL SYSTEM.
UH...
APPRENTICE!
[SHOW TUNE PLAYS]
[GRRR]
[ROWF ROWF]
[GRRRGLE]
FROM THE PIT OF DARKNESS,
THE EVIL SORCERESS!
WHAT CAN I
DO FOR YOU, E.S.?
IT'S BEEN ALMOST
16 YEARS SINCE I PUT
THAT CURSE ON THE PRINCE.
THERE'S ONLY ONE DAY LEFT
FOR MY EVIL SPELL TO WORK.
WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?
SO FAR, THE KING
HAS PROTECTED THE PRINCE
FROM HARM,
BUT I HAVE COOKED UP
A LITTLE SCHEME.
I NEED YOUR HELP,
APPRENTICE.
DO YOU AGREE
OR DISAGREE?
I AGREE. I AGREE.
GOOD. "X" GETS THE SQUARE
AND THE WHOLE
BLASTED KINGDOM.
AAH HA HA HA!
THIS IS GREAT.
I GET TO LEAVE
THE CASTLE TOMORROW,
AND I'VE ALREADY
GOT AN ENTRY ON
MY SOCIAL CALANDAR.
WHAT COULD BE BETTER?
PAPER! GET YOUR PAPER HERE!
PRINTED MATTER!
STUFF TO READ!
GET IT HERE!
SOMETHING TO READ!
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW,
WHEN EVIL SPELL
IS BROKEN.
PRINCE TO CHECK OUT PRINCESS
AT LOCAL LIBRARY.
ROYAL COUPLE
OVERDUE FOR LOVE.
I WANT TO READ
MORE ABOUT IT.
I'LL TAKE A PAPER.
AAH!
HEH HEH HEH.
"ATTACK OF THE ELVIS CATS."
"EAT ALL DAY, AND
GET FAT QUICK."
OUCH!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
PRINCE?
NO PROBLEM. JUST
A LITTLE PAPER CUT.
UH-OH.
Evil Sorceress:
DON'T LET THE BEDBUGS BITE.
[YAWNS] WELL,
IT'S NAP TIME.
NO. DO NOT SLEEP, PRINCE,
LEST YOU REST FOREVER.
I'M NOT GOING
TO SLEEP.
I'M JUST
GONNA REST
MY EYES A LITTLE.
YOU KNOW, I'M NO
GOOD WITHOUT MY 300
OR 400-YEAR SLEEP.
WAIT HERE.
LISTEN HERE, YOU WAKE
HIM UP THIS INSTANT,
OR I'M GOING
OVER YOUR HEAD.
YOU ARE OVER MY HEAD.
WELL, I WANT YOU
TO TAKE ME
TO THAT EVIL SORCERESS
OF DARKNESS RIGHT NOW.
MY PLEASURE.
WHOO!
WHOA!
[SNORING]
WAKE UP!
[CLANG]
[BOOM BOOM BOOM]
[TOOT]
[DING DING DING]
OOH.
AHH.
OHH.
WIZARDS. ANYBODY HERE
SEE ANYTHING UNUSUAL?
WELL, YOU GUYS
JUST FLEW IN HERE.
D-D-DID THE PRINCE HAVE
ANY VISITORS B-B-BEFORE
HE FELL ASLEEP?
I HAPPEN TO SEE
SOMEONE WITH THE PRINCE
THIS AFTERNOON.
DID YOU GET
A GOOD LOOK, MA'AM?
WELL, I WOULDN'T
SAY A GOOD LOOK.
A FAIR LOOK.
BETWEEN FAIR AND GOOD,
BUT CLOSER TO GOOD.
OK, GOOD.
UH-HUH.
COULD YOU IDENTIFY
THE V-V-VISITOR?
A PRINCESS.
SHE WAS VERY INTERESTED.
A GIRLFRIEND.
K-K-KISS OF TRUE LOVE.
DID YOU SEE
WHERE SHE WENT?
WELL, THIS EVIL
SORCERESS APPRENTICE
TIED HER UP
AND PUT HER
ON HIS BIKE,
BUT WHERE SHE WENT,
WHO CAN SAY?
HEY, MAYBE THEY
WENT TO THE EVIL
SORCERESS' CASTLE!
BINGO!
[DING DING DING]
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.
JUST DOING OUR J-J-JOB.
THEY PROTECT AND SERVE.
WHO ARE YOU?
WIZARDS, MA'AM.
GREAT. GET ME
OUT OF HERE.
C-C-CAN'T
DO THAT,
MA'AM.
"ONCE YOU'RE
BOUND BY EVIL,
ONLY YOU CAN
SET YOURSELF FREE."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY EVIL SORCERESS
IS KEEPING ME HERE.
SHE KNOWS
THAT IF YOU
KISS THE PRINCE,
YOU MAY
WAKE HIM UP.
I MIGHT?
IF YOU HAVE
T-T-TRUE LOVE
IN YOUR HEART.
WOW! WHAT A DATE.
THE BOOK OF TRUTHS.
IT'S THE LATEST VOLUME FROM
THE SPELL-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.
IT CAN HELP YOU
DEFEAT THE SORCERESS.
TRUTH ALWAYS
DESTROYS EVIL.
"THE TOMATO
IS NOT A VEGETABLE.
IT IS ACTUALLY A FRUIT."
GOOD LUCK AGAINST
THE SORCERESS, MA'AM,
AND REMEMBER ONE THING.
YES?
THAT BOOK'S
ON A 10-DAY FREE HOME TRIAL.
YOU BREAK IT,
YOU BOUGHT IT.
"THE WHOLE IS EQUAL
TO THE SUM OF ITS PARTS."
AAH!
AAH!
OH, SURE.
GO AHEAD AND LEAVE.
NEVERMIND
THAT I'VE BEEN
COOKING ALL DAY.
AAH!
OW!
"THERE ARE 42 DOTS
ON A PAIR OF DICE."
THE BOOK OF TRUTHS,
VOLUME SEVEN.
YOU'RE FINISHED,
OLD LADY.
I WON'T BE DEFEATED
THAT EASILY.
I'LL COMBAT YOUR TRUTH
WITH LIES.
MOST BREAKFAST CEREALS
HAVE NO ADDED SUGAR.
WHOA!
"CITIZENS OF NEW ZEALAND
ARE CALLED KIWIS."
AAH!
MY NAILS! YOU'VE
CHIPPED MY NAILS.
ALL RIGHT, TRY THIS
ONE ON FOR SIZE.
THE CHECK
IS IN THE MAIL!
AAH! WHOA!
AAH HA HA HA!
WHERE IS
THE TRUTH NOW,
YOU BRAT?
UH...
LEFT UNTREATED, PLAQUE
CAN LEAD TO GUM DISEASE.
AAH!
AAH! MY PERMANENT.
OHH! MY DIET.
I SMELL SOMETHING BURNING.
OH, NO! MY CREDIT CARDS.
THEY'RE MELTING.
THEY'RE MELTING!
LOOK WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO ME.
YOU'LL HAVE TO
EXCUSE ME NOW.
I'VE GOT A HOT DATE
WITH A SNORING PRINCE.
OK, WHERE'S
THE PATIENT?
JUST A SECOND, MISSY.
WHO DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE
BUSTING INTO
OUR THRONE ROOM
AND TRYING
TO SEDUCE MY SON?
LUCILLE, THE KISS
OF TRUE LOVE
WILL WAKE OUR SON.
KNOCK HIS SOCKS OFF.
[ALARM BUZZES]
THAT WAS GREAT!
I FEEL LIKE I'VE
BEEN ASLEEP
A HUNDRED YEARS.
WHAT'S THAT, SIR?
A CLOCK RADIO.
SEEMS TO WORK.
I'LL MAKE A NOTE
TO PUT THAT
IN THE MANUAL.
I ALREADY DID, SIR.
THANKS, KID.
IT SEEMS THAT WE ALL
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
LET'S EAT.
NOT SO FAST,
SUGAR SNOOT.
[POP]
WELL, I FEEL RESTED--
[POP]
NOTHING LIKE
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
[POP]
I'VE BEEN HAVING
THE WEIRDEST DREAM.
[POP]
WHEN THE PRINCESS
FINALLY RAN OUT OF STEAM,
WE GOT MARRIED AND
WE REALLY DID LIVE
HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
EXCEPT FOR AN IMPRESSIVE
CASE OF CHAPPED LIPS.
AHH! AHH!
[SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH]
GREETINGS,
FIRST CLASS FANS.
IT'S TIME ONCE AGAIN
FOR "ASK DR. ALF."
OUR FIRST ONE.
"DEAR DR. ALF,
"I EAT NOTHING
BUT BABY FOOD.
"I ENJOY SENSELESS VIOLENCE,
"AND MY HEAD FEELS
LIKE IT'S MADE OF STEEL.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?"
SIGNED, COLOR ME BLUE.
DEAR COLOR ME BLUE,
YOU'RE NOT SICK,
YOU'RE A ROBOCOP!
ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.
"DEAR DR. ALF,
"AFTER WATCHING TV
FOR 8 OR 9 HOURS STRAIGHT,
"MY EYES BEGIN TO HURT.
WHAT CAN I DO?"
SIGNED, SOFA SPUD.
DEAR S.S., WORK THROUGH
THE AGONY, ALL RIGHT?
AFTER 12 OR 13 HOURS,
I GUARENTEE YOU, YOU WON'T
BE AWARE OF THE DISCOMFORT,
OR ANYTHING ELSE.
REMEMBER, NO PAIN,
NO GAIN.
NEXT!
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!