ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 10 - John Henry - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of John Henry.
Announcer: WITH...
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
ISN'T THIS YOKEL
RUSTIC AND COLORFUL?
HE'S HERE BECAUSE
TODAY'S ALF TALE
IS BASED ON
THAT CLASSIC OLD FOLK SONG,
THE BALLAD
OF JOHN HENRY.
THE ORIGINAL JOHN HENRY
HAMMERED A PIECE OF STEEL
THROUGH SOLID ROCK
TO CLEAR TUNNELS
FOR THE RAILROAD.
[PLAYS GUITAR]
WE'RE UPDATING
THE STORY.
I'LL BE PLAYING
JOHN HENRY,
BUT INSTEAD OF
THE ROCK-BASHING
MOUNTAIN MAN,
I'M THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CHEF,
A MAN WHO BELIEVES
YOU MUST PREPARE FOOD
WITH CARE AND PATIENCE
AND RESPECT FOR
YOUR INGREDIENTS.
WHAT ABOUT MY SONG?
WE'VE UPDATED THAT, TOO.
GORDON, DARLING,
ARE YOU READY?
MOM'S TEACHING ME
THE FINER POINTS
OF CHEFING.
I'LL SHOW YOU
MY SPECIAL FRUITCAKE.
UH, MOM, COULD WE
MAKE SOMETHING ELSE?
I'M ON A DIET.
OH, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THESE LYRICS.
I'VE GOT
ENOUGH PROBLEMS.
GO BE RUSTIC
AND COLORFUL.
AND NOW, JOHN HENRY
AND HIS DOWN-HOME FAVORITES
ONTHE EATIE GOURMET.
HOWDY. TODAY WE'RE GOING
TO MAKE WHAT I CALL
POOR MAN'S CATFISH.
USE ONLY FRESH CAT
AND FRESH FISH.
BUT FIRST, WE'VE GOT
TO CHOP UP OUR ONIONS,
AND PEPPERS, AND CELERY.
PHEW! THAT TOOK FOREVER.
I'M GETTING OLD.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO USE
FRESH, ALL-NATURAL
INGREDIENTS.
NOW, I WANT YOU
TO CHOP THESE THINGS
BY HAND.
DON'T GO BORROWING
A CHAIN SAW
FROM THE LOCAL MANIAC.
THERE.
NOW THAT'S
HOW I'D WANT TO BE SLICED
IF I WERE AN APPLE.
AND THAT'S JUST
ABOUT IT.
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT
THE FINISHING TOUCH.
YOU SHOULD
ADD A LITTLE FLOUR.
THERE YOU GO--
A LITTLE FLOWER.
THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY
ON THE EATIE GOURMET.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I WENT OUT
FOR A COUPLE OF
NON-ALCOHOLIC
CHATEAU LALAND 1964s
WITH THE BOYS.
SOMETHING WRONG?
IT'S THIS SLICING
AND DICING.
IT IS SO TEDIOUS.
CAN'T WE BORROW
THE CHAIN SAW
FROM THE MANIAC?
I'M SURPRISED.
DON'T YOU KNOW
WHAT SEPARATES US
FROM THE LOWLY BEASTS
OF THE JUNGLE?
UM, SOMETIMES
WE GO BOWLING?
YES, THAT, AND OUR
SENSE OF ARTISTRY.
ONLY WE COULD DEVISE
THE FOUR BASIC
FOOD GROUPS.
AND ONLY WE
CAN COMBINE THEM
WITH SKILL
AND LOVING CARE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOHN.
SOMETIMES I LOSE SIGHT
OF THE BIG PICTURE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
HI, SID.
JOHNNY,
THE PRESIDENT
HAS ANNOUNCED
HIS ANNUAL
GOVERNOR'S BANQUET.
GREAT.
I'LL GET TO WORK
ON THE MENU.
WHOA. WE CAN'T
BE SURE THAT
THE PRES WANTS YOU.
BUT I'VE BEEN CHEF-IN-CHIEF
FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.
I STILL
HAVE TO CONFIRM.
WHAT'S A MANAGER
FOR, RIGHT?
TAKE CARE, KID.
SOME SERVE THEIR COUNTRY
ON THE BATTLEFIELD,
OTHERS SERVE ON
THE SENATE FLOOR.
I SERVE ON PLATES.
HERE'S THE STUFF,
BOSS.
JUST A MOMENT, ETHAN.
THERE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
A BIG SHEET
LYING ON THE FLOOR.
THE MOST BRILLIANT
MAD SCIENTIST BOSS
A GUY COULD
EVER HAVE?
I AM NOT MAD!
I'M JUST
A LITTLE ANGRY.
WELL, NOT ANGRY, REALLY.
I'M PEEVED.
NO! HERE IT IS.
I'M IRKED.
I AM AN IRKED SCIENTIST!
BECAUSE OF
THAT TIME YOU WENT
TO COOKING SCHOOL
WITH JOHN HENRY,
AND HE BECAME
THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CHEF,
AND YOU FLUNKED OUT?
YES. THAT'S IT
IN A NUTSHELL,
AND I MUST WORK
THROUGH MY IRKEDNESS
VIA DEEDS OF DESTRUCTION.
LET'S PROCEED.
ALL SET, BOSS.
READY TO MAKE
FOOD HISTORY, ETHAN?
OK.
READY.
EXCELLENT.
SHOULDN'T WE
TASTE IT, BOSS?
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE
HOW IT TASTES?
WHAT MATTERS IS
PHASE ONE
OF MY MASTER PLAN
IS COMPLETE.
IS THAT
THE MASTER PLAN
WHERE YOU TAKE
OVER THE WHOLE
WORLD, BOSS?
I DON'T THINK
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
ALLUDING TO, REALLY.
REMEMBER? YOU TOLD ME
THIS MORNING.
PERHAPS I DO HAVE
LARGER AMBITIONS.
PERHAPS I DO WANT TO
PAY BACK JOHN HENRY
FOR SHOWING ME UP.
PERHAPS I WOULD LIKE
TO RULE THE WORLD AS WELL!
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.
PHASE TWO
OF THE MASTER PLAN--
MARKETING!
ARE YOU FED UP WITH MAKING
HOMEMADE MEALS
FOR YOUR FAMILY?
IS THIS YOU?
HELLO, DARLING.
SAY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
SANDWICHES AGAIN?
SORRY, HONEY,
I'VE JUST HAD IT
WITH MAKING MEALS.
I WANT MORE
OUT OF LIFE.
WHAT CAN I DO
ABOUT IT?
I'M JUST
A REGULAR PERSON.
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR
LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS?
HELLO, DARLING.
SAY, WHAT'S
FOR DINNER?
GOURMET TEMPTATIONS
MADE QUICKLY AND EASILY
WITH THIS WONDERFUL
NEW DEVICE, DEAR.
IT'S CALLED
THE K-ART CHOPPER,
AND IT'S
CHANGED MY LIFE.
I'LL SAY.
YOU LOOK
MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN EVER.
HERE. TAKE THIS
GREAT BIG
DIAMOND NECKLACE.
AND TO THINK,
I OWE IT ALL TO THIS,
THE K-ART CHOPPER.
YEAH, RIGHT,
AND I'M JULIA CHILD.
BUY MY MACHINE.
BUY MY MACHINE.
BUY MY MACHINE.
BUY MY MACHINE.
MR. KWISINE,
YOUR INVENTION
SEEMS TO HAVE TAKEN
THE COUNTRY BY STORM.
YOU AIN'T JUST
WHISTLING DIXIE.
SALES OF MY
K-ART CHOPPER
HAVE TRIPLED IN THE LAST
HOUR AND 1/2.
THREE OUT OF THREE HOMES
NOW OWN A K-ART CHOPPER.
DO YOU HAVE PLANS
TO EXPAND?
DEFINITELY.
HOW ABOUT DIVERSIFICATION?
CERTAINLY.
WHAT ABOUT
WORLD DOMINATION?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I JUST WANT
TO HELP PEOPLE.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT, JANE.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
DARLING.
COULDN'T HELP BUT AGREE.
REPORTERS ARE FOOLS.
TELL THEM YOU DON'T INTEND
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD--
HEH HEH HEH HEH!
AND THEY BELIEVE IT!
HEH HEH HEH!
NOW, YOU'LL WANT
TO BLANCH YOUR ALMONDS,
SO BOIL SOME WATER.
BLANCHING YOUR NUTS
CAN BE TROUBLESOME,
BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
AND THE K-ART CHOPPER
WILL MAKE JUST ABOUT
ANYTHING.
SAY YOU WANT TO PREPARE
THOSE CUCAMONGA
CHIMICHANGAS
THAT ARE
SO POPULAR THIS WEEK.
JUST POP IN
THE INGREDIENTS.
BUT THESE CUCAMONGA
CHIMICHANGAS
LOOK JUST LIKE
THE ANAHEIM AVOCADO SALAD.
EXACTLY. AND TASTES
LIKE IT, TOO.
AND MY TRADEMARK
TOMATO ROSE.
I MEAN, MY WIFE PUT IN
A COUPLE OF PAIR OF SOCKS.
AND BOOM! WE HAD THIS
FOUR-COURSE VEAL DINNER.
WELL, IT WAS LIKE VEAL.
AND A LITTLE HOT SAUCE,
WHICH MY CAMERAMAN
ERNIE ALWAYS LIKES.
RIGHT, ERN?
ERNIE? HELLO? HELLO?
THE BUSINESS
IS SLIPPING FAST--
SALES ARE DOWN,
THE RATINGS
ON YOUR SHOW ARE DOWN.
IT'S THIS KWISINE GUY.
I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THE BUSINESS.
WHAT MAKES ME MAD
IS THAT HE'S PUSHING
ARTIFICIAL, FORMULATED,
CHEMICAL-LADEN JUNK
ON GOOD PEOPLE.
JOHN,
I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHAT?
PUSH ARTIFICIAL, FORMULATED,
CHEMICAL-LADEN JUNK FOOD
ON GOOD PEOPLE, TOO.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY
YOU'LL STAY AFLOAT.
ART KWISINE
IS BURYING YOU.
SID, I WANT YOU
TO GET ME FACE-TO-FACE
WITH KWISINE
ON LIVE TV.
I WANT TO TELL
THE PEOPLE
THAT EVERYTHING HE
STANDS FOR IS WRONG.
OK, JOHNNY, OK.
JUST PROMISE YOU
WON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M TNED KNOPPLE,
AND THIS IS NIGHT LIGHT.
WITH US IN OUR
LOS ANGELES STUDIOS
IS ART KWISINE,
INVENTOR OF THE AMAZINGLY
SUCCESSFUL K-ART CHOPPER,
AND IN OUR RICHMOND,
VIRGINIA STUDIOS,
JOHN HENRY,
WORLD-FAMOUS CHEF
AND HAM-SLICING AUTHORITY.
ART KWISINE,
YOU'VE JUST ABOUT CHANGED
THE WAY WE ALL MAKE DINNER.
YES, I HAVE, TNED.
I'VE REMOVED
ALL THE UNNECESSARY STEPS.
YEAH, LIKE
STARTING WITH FOOD.
YOU'RE JEALOUS
BECAUSE PEOPLE
WANT THEIR MEALS
FROM THE K-ART.
YOU CALL
THAT STUFF MEALS?
I'D RATHER EAT
THE MACHINE.
I CAN ARRANGE THAT.
I WANT YOU,
KWISINE.
YOU HEAR ME?
YOU, YOU, YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
MR. HENRY?
I WILL MEET YOU
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE,
FOR A COOK-OFF.
I'LL SHOW YOU
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN
REAL VITTLES
AND YOUR ROBO-FOOD.
OOH...I--
I ACCEPT!
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE'LL BE BACK
IN A MOMENT.
THIS IS GREAT.
GENTLEMAN AND GENTLEMACHINE,
EACH OF YOU IS TO PREPARE
AS MANY SIX-COURSE MEALS
AS YOU CAN IN HALF AN HOUR.
MAY THE BEST CHEF WIN.
FINALLY, MY CHANCE
TO SLICE, DICE,
HUMILIATE, AND
ELIMINATE YOU, HENRY!
HEE HEE HEE!
DON'T COUNT
YOUR OVEN STUFFERS
BEFORE THEY'RE BASTED,
KWISINE.
ON YOUR MARKS...
GET SET...
COOK!
[PANTS]
[BUZZER]
HEY, BOSS. WHAT IS
THIS STUFF, ANYWAY?
WHO CARES?
WHEN IT TASTES LIKE...
VICTORY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE PRESIDENT
HAS JUST ASKED ART KWISINE
TO BE OFFICIAL CHEF
FOR THE GOVERNORS' BANQUET
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
BUT THAT WAS MY JOB.
HI, THIS IS
THE EATIE GOURMET.
I DON'T KNOW,
LET'S MAKE
SOMETHING EASY--CORNFLAKES.
JOHN, HAVE YOU
SEEN THESE?
THE RISE AND FALL
OF JOHN HENRY,
THE HENRY COOKIE
CRUMBLES,
JOHN HENRY,
A LEFTOVER.
SID, WE'RE ON THE AIR.
NO, WE'RE NOT, KID.
THE SHOW'S
BEEN CANCELED.
THE NETWORK WANTS
TO TEST A NEW CONCEPT.
HOLD ON NOW, SON.
WHERE'S THE ROSE?
THE ROSE,
MR. PRESIDENT?
EVERY YEAR
AT THIS BANQUET,
I LOOK FORWARD
TO THE TOMATO CARVED
MIGHTY LIKE A ROSE.
IT'S A TRADITION.
IF THE PRESIDENT
WANTS A TOMATO ROSE,
SOMEBODY GET HIM
A DARN TOMATO ROSE.
RIGHT AWAY.
OK, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
I'M WELL-CONNECTED.
I KNOW BOB HOPE!
CAN THAT K-ART THING
MAKE TOMATO ROSES OR NOT?
SIR, A TOMATO ROSE
IS A THING
OF DELICATE BEAUTY.
ONLY HUMAN HANDS
CAN CREATE ONE,
IN FACT, TWO PARTICULAR
HUMAN HANDS,
AND THOSE HANDS
BELONG TO...
JOHN HENRY.
JOHN! JOHN HENRY!
DARLING!
JOHN, PUT DOWN THE FORK.
WE LOVE YOU.
I'M SORRY, KIM.
THIS IS WHERE
I BELONG.
MR. HENRY,
I'M FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOUR COUNTRY
NEEDS YOU, SIR.
IT'S TRUE.
THE GOVERNORS AT THE BANQUET
WANT YOUR TOMATO ROSES.
THEY WANT MY...ROSES?
YES, HONEY.
NOW GIVE ME THE FORK.
I WON'T LET
MY COUNTRY DOWN.
AH! BOB, YOU OK?
I FEEL LIKE
A LITTLE DINNER.
[CHEERING]
HUH?
NOW THAT'S
MORE LIKE IT!
WHAT'S HE
DOING HERE?
NOW, ETHAN.
PHASE THREE.
ATTENTION, K-ART CHOPPERS.
[SCREAMING]
PHASE THREE
IN MOTION, BOSS.
ATTENTION!
ATTENTION!
ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY,
K-ART CHOPPERS ARE AWAITING
MY COMMAND TO TAKE OVER.
MR. PRESIDENT, GOVERNORS,
YOU ARE MY PRISONERS!
BEHOLD!
[SCREAMING]
MR. PRESIDENT,
TURN OVER CONTROL
OF THE NATION TO ME,
OR YOUR COUNTRYMEN WILL
BECOME SIX-COURSE DINNERS.
ART KWISINE!
I KNEW YOU WERE EVIL.
I SHOULD HAVE
DONE AWAY WITH YOU
IN COOKING SCHOOL
WHEN YOU WOULDN'T
LET ME CHEAT OFF YOU
ON THE FINAL EXAM.
YOU SAID I COULDN'T
CUT THE MUSTARD.
YOU CAN'T.
YOU SPOON
THE MUSTARD.
[GASPS]
HUH?
[GASPS]
AAH!
UNH!
JOHN, BEHIND YOU!
OH!
WRONG REMOTE!
YEOW!
HUH, K-ART CHOPPERS?
DON'T EXPECT
A BIG TIP.
JOHN HENRY,
YOU HAVE PROVEN
THAT FOOD FOR THE PEOPLE
MUST BE MADE BY THE PEOPLE.
AND SO I GIVE YOU
THE CONGRESSIONAL
GOLD MEDAL OF FLOUR...
AND I INVITE YOU
TO BE THE OFFICIAL
WHITE HOUSE CHEF.
JOHN, THE NETWORK
WANTS YOU BACK
IN PRIME TIME.
AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.
YOUR MASCARA'S
RUNNING, DEAR.
MOM, THE SHOW'S
NOT OVER!
IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER.
HAPPY ENDING.
HERE, THE FRUITCAKE
IS DONE. TASTE.
I TOLD YOU
I'M ON A DIET, MOM.
WELL, EVERYBODY,
HAVE A PIECE.
FRUITCAKE?
MY MOM MADE IT.
AAH!
I SHOULD'VE THOUGHT
OF THAT IN ACT ONE.
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
ISN'T THIS YOKEL
RUSTIC AND COLORFUL?
HE'S HERE BECAUSE
TODAY'S ALF TALE
IS BASED ON
THAT CLASSIC OLD FOLK SONG,
THE BALLAD
OF JOHN HENRY.
THE ORIGINAL JOHN HENRY
HAMMERED A PIECE OF STEEL
THROUGH SOLID ROCK
TO CLEAR TUNNELS
FOR THE RAILROAD.
[PLAYS GUITAR]
WE'RE UPDATING
THE STORY.
I'LL BE PLAYING
JOHN HENRY,
BUT INSTEAD OF
THE ROCK-BASHING
MOUNTAIN MAN,
I'M THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CHEF,
A MAN WHO BELIEVES
YOU MUST PREPARE FOOD
WITH CARE AND PATIENCE
AND RESPECT FOR
YOUR INGREDIENTS.
WHAT ABOUT MY SONG?
WE'VE UPDATED THAT, TOO.
GORDON, DARLING,
ARE YOU READY?
MOM'S TEACHING ME
THE FINER POINTS
OF CHEFING.
I'LL SHOW YOU
MY SPECIAL FRUITCAKE.
UH, MOM, COULD WE
MAKE SOMETHING ELSE?
I'M ON A DIET.
OH, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THESE LYRICS.
I'VE GOT
ENOUGH PROBLEMS.
GO BE RUSTIC
AND COLORFUL.
AND NOW, JOHN HENRY
AND HIS DOWN-HOME FAVORITES
ONTHE EATIE GOURMET.
HOWDY. TODAY WE'RE GOING
TO MAKE WHAT I CALL
POOR MAN'S CATFISH.
USE ONLY FRESH CAT
AND FRESH FISH.
BUT FIRST, WE'VE GOT
TO CHOP UP OUR ONIONS,
AND PEPPERS, AND CELERY.
PHEW! THAT TOOK FOREVER.
I'M GETTING OLD.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO USE
FRESH, ALL-NATURAL
INGREDIENTS.
NOW, I WANT YOU
TO CHOP THESE THINGS
BY HAND.
DON'T GO BORROWING
A CHAIN SAW
FROM THE LOCAL MANIAC.
THERE.
NOW THAT'S
HOW I'D WANT TO BE SLICED
IF I WERE AN APPLE.
AND THAT'S JUST
ABOUT IT.
OH, I ALMOST FORGOT
THE FINISHING TOUCH.
YOU SHOULD
ADD A LITTLE FLOUR.
THERE YOU GO--
A LITTLE FLOWER.
THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY
ON THE EATIE GOURMET.
SORRY I'M LATE.
I WENT OUT
FOR A COUPLE OF
NON-ALCOHOLIC
CHATEAU LALAND 1964s
WITH THE BOYS.
SOMETHING WRONG?
IT'S THIS SLICING
AND DICING.
IT IS SO TEDIOUS.
CAN'T WE BORROW
THE CHAIN SAW
FROM THE MANIAC?
I'M SURPRISED.
DON'T YOU KNOW
WHAT SEPARATES US
FROM THE LOWLY BEASTS
OF THE JUNGLE?
UM, SOMETIMES
WE GO BOWLING?
YES, THAT, AND OUR
SENSE OF ARTISTRY.
ONLY WE COULD DEVISE
THE FOUR BASIC
FOOD GROUPS.
AND ONLY WE
CAN COMBINE THEM
WITH SKILL
AND LOVING CARE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, JOHN.
SOMETIMES I LOSE SIGHT
OF THE BIG PICTURE.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
HI, SID.
JOHNNY,
THE PRESIDENT
HAS ANNOUNCED
HIS ANNUAL
GOVERNOR'S BANQUET.
GREAT.
I'LL GET TO WORK
ON THE MENU.
WHOA. WE CAN'T
BE SURE THAT
THE PRES WANTS YOU.
BUT I'VE BEEN CHEF-IN-CHIEF
FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.
I STILL
HAVE TO CONFIRM.
WHAT'S A MANAGER
FOR, RIGHT?
TAKE CARE, KID.
SOME SERVE THEIR COUNTRY
ON THE BATTLEFIELD,
OTHERS SERVE ON
THE SENATE FLOOR.
I SERVE ON PLATES.
HERE'S THE STUFF,
BOSS.
JUST A MOMENT, ETHAN.
THERE.
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
A BIG SHEET
LYING ON THE FLOOR.
THE MOST BRILLIANT
MAD SCIENTIST BOSS
A GUY COULD
EVER HAVE?
I AM NOT MAD!
I'M JUST
A LITTLE ANGRY.
WELL, NOT ANGRY, REALLY.
I'M PEEVED.
NO! HERE IT IS.
I'M IRKED.
I AM AN IRKED SCIENTIST!
BECAUSE OF
THAT TIME YOU WENT
TO COOKING SCHOOL
WITH JOHN HENRY,
AND HE BECAME
THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CHEF,
AND YOU FLUNKED OUT?
YES. THAT'S IT
IN A NUTSHELL,
AND I MUST WORK
THROUGH MY IRKEDNESS
VIA DEEDS OF DESTRUCTION.
LET'S PROCEED.
ALL SET, BOSS.
READY TO MAKE
FOOD HISTORY, ETHAN?
OK.
READY.
EXCELLENT.
SHOULDN'T WE
TASTE IT, BOSS?
WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE
HOW IT TASTES?
WHAT MATTERS IS
PHASE ONE
OF MY MASTER PLAN
IS COMPLETE.
IS THAT
THE MASTER PLAN
WHERE YOU TAKE
OVER THE WHOLE
WORLD, BOSS?
I DON'T THINK
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
ALLUDING TO, REALLY.
REMEMBER? YOU TOLD ME
THIS MORNING.
PERHAPS I DO HAVE
LARGER AMBITIONS.
PERHAPS I DO WANT TO
PAY BACK JOHN HENRY
FOR SHOWING ME UP.
PERHAPS I WOULD LIKE
TO RULE THE WORLD AS WELL!
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.
PHASE TWO
OF THE MASTER PLAN--
MARKETING!
ARE YOU FED UP WITH MAKING
HOMEMADE MEALS
FOR YOUR FAMILY?
IS THIS YOU?
HELLO, DARLING.
SAY, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
SANDWICHES AGAIN?
SORRY, HONEY,
I'VE JUST HAD IT
WITH MAKING MEALS.
I WANT MORE
OUT OF LIFE.
WHAT CAN I DO
ABOUT IT?
I'M JUST
A REGULAR PERSON.
DON'T YOU WANT YOUR
LIFE TO BE LIKE THIS?
HELLO, DARLING.
SAY, WHAT'S
FOR DINNER?
GOURMET TEMPTATIONS
MADE QUICKLY AND EASILY
WITH THIS WONDERFUL
NEW DEVICE, DEAR.
IT'S CALLED
THE K-ART CHOPPER,
AND IT'S
CHANGED MY LIFE.
I'LL SAY.
YOU LOOK
MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN EVER.
HERE. TAKE THIS
GREAT BIG
DIAMOND NECKLACE.
AND TO THINK,
I OWE IT ALL TO THIS,
THE K-ART CHOPPER.
YEAH, RIGHT,
AND I'M JULIA CHILD.
BUY MY MACHINE.
BUY MY MACHINE.
BUY MY MACHINE.
BUY MY MACHINE.
MR. KWISINE,
YOUR INVENTION
SEEMS TO HAVE TAKEN
THE COUNTRY BY STORM.
YOU AIN'T JUST
WHISTLING DIXIE.
SALES OF MY
K-ART CHOPPER
HAVE TRIPLED IN THE LAST
HOUR AND 1/2.
THREE OUT OF THREE HOMES
NOW OWN A K-ART CHOPPER.
DO YOU HAVE PLANS
TO EXPAND?
DEFINITELY.
HOW ABOUT DIVERSIFICATION?
CERTAINLY.
WHAT ABOUT
WORLD DOMINATION?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I JUST WANT
TO HELP PEOPLE.
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT, JANE.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
DARLING.
COULDN'T HELP BUT AGREE.
REPORTERS ARE FOOLS.
TELL THEM YOU DON'T INTEND
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD--
HEH HEH HEH HEH!
AND THEY BELIEVE IT!
HEH HEH HEH!
NOW, YOU'LL WANT
TO BLANCH YOUR ALMONDS,
SO BOIL SOME WATER.
BLANCHING YOUR NUTS
CAN BE TROUBLESOME,
BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
AND THE K-ART CHOPPER
WILL MAKE JUST ABOUT
ANYTHING.
SAY YOU WANT TO PREPARE
THOSE CUCAMONGA
CHIMICHANGAS
THAT ARE
SO POPULAR THIS WEEK.
JUST POP IN
THE INGREDIENTS.
BUT THESE CUCAMONGA
CHIMICHANGAS
LOOK JUST LIKE
THE ANAHEIM AVOCADO SALAD.
EXACTLY. AND TASTES
LIKE IT, TOO.
AND MY TRADEMARK
TOMATO ROSE.
I MEAN, MY WIFE PUT IN
A COUPLE OF PAIR OF SOCKS.
AND BOOM! WE HAD THIS
FOUR-COURSE VEAL DINNER.
WELL, IT WAS LIKE VEAL.
AND A LITTLE HOT SAUCE,
WHICH MY CAMERAMAN
ERNIE ALWAYS LIKES.
RIGHT, ERN?
ERNIE? HELLO? HELLO?
THE BUSINESS
IS SLIPPING FAST--
SALES ARE DOWN,
THE RATINGS
ON YOUR SHOW ARE DOWN.
IT'S THIS KWISINE GUY.
I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THE BUSINESS.
WHAT MAKES ME MAD
IS THAT HE'S PUSHING
ARTIFICIAL, FORMULATED,
CHEMICAL-LADEN JUNK
ON GOOD PEOPLE.
JOHN,
I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHAT?
PUSH ARTIFICIAL, FORMULATED,
CHEMICAL-LADEN JUNK FOOD
ON GOOD PEOPLE, TOO.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY
YOU'LL STAY AFLOAT.
ART KWISINE
IS BURYING YOU.
SID, I WANT YOU
TO GET ME FACE-TO-FACE
WITH KWISINE
ON LIVE TV.
I WANT TO TELL
THE PEOPLE
THAT EVERYTHING HE
STANDS FOR IS WRONG.
OK, JOHNNY, OK.
JUST PROMISE YOU
WON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.
GOOD EVENING,
I'M TNED KNOPPLE,
AND THIS IS NIGHT LIGHT.
WITH US IN OUR
LOS ANGELES STUDIOS
IS ART KWISINE,
INVENTOR OF THE AMAZINGLY
SUCCESSFUL K-ART CHOPPER,
AND IN OUR RICHMOND,
VIRGINIA STUDIOS,
JOHN HENRY,
WORLD-FAMOUS CHEF
AND HAM-SLICING AUTHORITY.
ART KWISINE,
YOU'VE JUST ABOUT CHANGED
THE WAY WE ALL MAKE DINNER.
YES, I HAVE, TNED.
I'VE REMOVED
ALL THE UNNECESSARY STEPS.
YEAH, LIKE
STARTING WITH FOOD.
YOU'RE JEALOUS
BECAUSE PEOPLE
WANT THEIR MEALS
FROM THE K-ART.
YOU CALL
THAT STUFF MEALS?
I'D RATHER EAT
THE MACHINE.
I CAN ARRANGE THAT.
I WANT YOU,
KWISINE.
YOU HEAR ME?
YOU, YOU, YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
MR. HENRY?
I WILL MEET YOU
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE,
FOR A COOK-OFF.
I'LL SHOW YOU
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN
REAL VITTLES
AND YOUR ROBO-FOOD.
OOH...I--
I ACCEPT!
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
WE'LL BE BACK
IN A MOMENT.
THIS IS GREAT.
GENTLEMAN AND GENTLEMACHINE,
EACH OF YOU IS TO PREPARE
AS MANY SIX-COURSE MEALS
AS YOU CAN IN HALF AN HOUR.
MAY THE BEST CHEF WIN.
FINALLY, MY CHANCE
TO SLICE, DICE,
HUMILIATE, AND
ELIMINATE YOU, HENRY!
HEE HEE HEE!
DON'T COUNT
YOUR OVEN STUFFERS
BEFORE THEY'RE BASTED,
KWISINE.
ON YOUR MARKS...
GET SET...
COOK!
[PANTS]
[BUZZER]
HEY, BOSS. WHAT IS
THIS STUFF, ANYWAY?
WHO CARES?
WHEN IT TASTES LIKE...
VICTORY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE PRESIDENT
HAS JUST ASKED ART KWISINE
TO BE OFFICIAL CHEF
FOR THE GOVERNORS' BANQUET
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
BUT THAT WAS MY JOB.
HI, THIS IS
THE EATIE GOURMET.
I DON'T KNOW,
LET'S MAKE
SOMETHING EASY--CORNFLAKES.
JOHN, HAVE YOU
SEEN THESE?
THE RISE AND FALL
OF JOHN HENRY,
THE HENRY COOKIE
CRUMBLES,
JOHN HENRY,
A LEFTOVER.
SID, WE'RE ON THE AIR.
NO, WE'RE NOT, KID.
THE SHOW'S
BEEN CANCELED.
THE NETWORK WANTS
TO TEST A NEW CONCEPT.
HOLD ON NOW, SON.
WHERE'S THE ROSE?
THE ROSE,
MR. PRESIDENT?
EVERY YEAR
AT THIS BANQUET,
I LOOK FORWARD
TO THE TOMATO CARVED
MIGHTY LIKE A ROSE.
IT'S A TRADITION.
IF THE PRESIDENT
WANTS A TOMATO ROSE,
SOMEBODY GET HIM
A DARN TOMATO ROSE.
RIGHT AWAY.
OK, WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?
STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
I'M WELL-CONNECTED.
I KNOW BOB HOPE!
CAN THAT K-ART THING
MAKE TOMATO ROSES OR NOT?
SIR, A TOMATO ROSE
IS A THING
OF DELICATE BEAUTY.
ONLY HUMAN HANDS
CAN CREATE ONE,
IN FACT, TWO PARTICULAR
HUMAN HANDS,
AND THOSE HANDS
BELONG TO...
JOHN HENRY.
JOHN! JOHN HENRY!
DARLING!
JOHN, PUT DOWN THE FORK.
WE LOVE YOU.
I'M SORRY, KIM.
THIS IS WHERE
I BELONG.
MR. HENRY,
I'M FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
YOUR COUNTRY
NEEDS YOU, SIR.
IT'S TRUE.
THE GOVERNORS AT THE BANQUET
WANT YOUR TOMATO ROSES.
THEY WANT MY...ROSES?
YES, HONEY.
NOW GIVE ME THE FORK.
I WON'T LET
MY COUNTRY DOWN.
AH! BOB, YOU OK?
I FEEL LIKE
A LITTLE DINNER.
[CHEERING]
HUH?
NOW THAT'S
MORE LIKE IT!
WHAT'S HE
DOING HERE?
NOW, ETHAN.
PHASE THREE.
ATTENTION, K-ART CHOPPERS.
[SCREAMING]
PHASE THREE
IN MOTION, BOSS.
ATTENTION!
ATTENTION!
ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY,
K-ART CHOPPERS ARE AWAITING
MY COMMAND TO TAKE OVER.
MR. PRESIDENT, GOVERNORS,
YOU ARE MY PRISONERS!
BEHOLD!
[SCREAMING]
MR. PRESIDENT,
TURN OVER CONTROL
OF THE NATION TO ME,
OR YOUR COUNTRYMEN WILL
BECOME SIX-COURSE DINNERS.
ART KWISINE!
I KNEW YOU WERE EVIL.
I SHOULD HAVE
DONE AWAY WITH YOU
IN COOKING SCHOOL
WHEN YOU WOULDN'T
LET ME CHEAT OFF YOU
ON THE FINAL EXAM.
YOU SAID I COULDN'T
CUT THE MUSTARD.
YOU CAN'T.
YOU SPOON
THE MUSTARD.
[GASPS]
HUH?
[GASPS]
AAH!
UNH!
JOHN, BEHIND YOU!
OH!
WRONG REMOTE!
YEOW!
HUH, K-ART CHOPPERS?
DON'T EXPECT
A BIG TIP.
JOHN HENRY,
YOU HAVE PROVEN
THAT FOOD FOR THE PEOPLE
MUST BE MADE BY THE PEOPLE.
AND SO I GIVE YOU
THE CONGRESSIONAL
GOLD MEDAL OF FLOUR...
AND I INVITE YOU
TO BE THE OFFICIAL
WHITE HOUSE CHEF.
JOHN, THE NETWORK
WANTS YOU BACK
IN PRIME TIME.
AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.
YOUR MASCARA'S
RUNNING, DEAR.
MOM, THE SHOW'S
NOT OVER!
IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER.
HAPPY ENDING.
HERE, THE FRUITCAKE
IS DONE. TASTE.
I TOLD YOU
I'M ON A DIET, MOM.
WELL, EVERYBODY,
HAVE A PIECE.
FRUITCAKE?
MY MOM MADE IT.
AAH!
I SHOULD'VE THOUGHT
OF THAT IN ACT ONE.
♪ GORDON, SEND US
♪ OH, SEND US
♪ INTO OUTER SPACE
♪ OUTER SPACE
♪ 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T
NOBODY LIKE YOU ♪
♪ IN THE MELMACKIAN RACE
♪ TEACH US, GORDON...
HA! I KILL ME!