ALF Tales (1988–1990): Season 1, Episode 1 - Robin Hood - full transcript
In this ALF Tales episode, ALF and his friends retell the story of Robin Hood, the noble outlaw of Sherwood forest.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
OH, HI.
TODAY WE BRING YOU
TO ENGLAND--
BACK TO A TIME
WHEN MEN WERE MEN,
AND WOMEN
WERE GLAD OF IT.
THAT COULD BE
JUST ABOUT ANYTIME,
BUT IN THIS CASE,
IT'S THE MIDDLE AGES.
THIS IS THE COSTUME
OF THAT NOBLE OUTLAW
OF SHERWOOD FOREST--
ROBIN HOOD.
ROBIN HOOD WAS
BRAVE, GALLANT, GENEROUS,
AND VERY POPULAR
WITH THE LADIES--
TYPECASTING.
WHILE I CHANGE,
LET ME CATCH YOU UP
ON THE SITUATION.
ROLL THE CLIP.
[PROJECTOR RUNNING]
ENGLAND IS A MESS.
GOOD KING RICHARD
IS OFF IN A FARAWAY LAND
PROMOTING HIS NEW BOOK--
HOW TO BE
A REALLY NICE KING.
MEANWHILE, HIS EVIL
BROTHER, PRINCE JOHN,
HAS TAKEN OVER ENGLAND.
THE NASTY SHERIFF
OF NOTTINGHAM
IS FORCING THE PEASANTS
TO HAND OVER ALL THEIR MONEY
AND COUNTER-TOP
APPLIANCES...
WHILE KEEPING
THE KING'S NIECE,
THE LOVELY MAID MARIAN,
A PRISONER
IN NOTTINGHAM CASTLE.
[PLAYING HARMONICA]
ROBIN HOOD IS FIGHTING
THIS INJUSTICE
BY TAKING FROM THE RICH
AND GIVING BACK
TO THE POOR.
ALWAYS AT HIS SIDE ARE
HIS BAND OF MERRY MEN.
ESPECIALLY HIS TRUSTY
COMPANION, FRIAR TUCK.
OH, TUCK.
OH, FRIAR.
D-D-DO YOU KNOW THE WAY
TO G-G-GRANDMA'S HOUSE?
RICK, WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU WEARING?
I-I'M LITTLE
RED R-R-RIDING HOOD.
LITTLE RED--NO, NO!
IT'S ROBIN HOOD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN,
LITTLE RED
R-R-ROBIN HOOD.
THERE'S NOTHING LITTLE
AND NOTHING RED, RICK.
IT'S JUST PLAIN
ROBIN HOOD.
OH, I G-G-GET IT.
GREAT. NOW, GET INTO
THE FRIAR COSTUME.
R-R-RIGHT.
ON WITH OUR STORY.
W-W-WHAT'S A FRIAR?
AHH...
ROBIN AND HIS MEN
ARE SPENDING
A TYPICAL DAY
IN SHERWOOD FOREST.
[SNORING]
STOP THE MIDDLE AGE MUSIC!
LET'S PLAY SOMETHING
THAT REALLY SWINGS.
BUT ROBIN, PRINCE JOHN
HAS OUTLAWED
ALL HEP MUSIC.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING
IN THE DISTANCE]
THAT'S THE BEST
ALTO SAXOPHONE
I'VE EVER HEARD
IN THESE WOODS.
HE'D BE G-G-GREAT
IN THE BAND.
ONLY IF HE CAN FIGHT
AS WELL AS HE PLAYS.
PRITHEE, STRANGER.
ARE YOU AS GOOD
WITH THE QUARTERSTAFF
AS YOU ARE
WITH YON SAXOPHONE?
WHAT'S A QUARTERSTAFF?
OH, YOU MEAN
THE BIG STICK?
AS THEY SAY
IN THE CRUSADES,
HAVE AT YOU!
HA! HO HO! HA!
AAH!
AHEM!
[HUMMING]
[YAWNS]
HAVE AT YOU AGAIN.
OH!
WHOA!
[SPLASH]
TRADITIONALLY,
THE RULES CALL FOR
THREE OUT OF FIVE.
FOUR OUT OF...
16 OUT OF...
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
MAYBE WE COULD TRY
BOBBING FOR APPLES.
I NOW ADMINISTER THE PLEDGE
OF THE MERRY MEN
TO OUR NEWEST RECRUIT,
LITTLE JOHN.
DO YOU SOLEMNLY PLEDGE
TO TAKE FROM THE RICH,
AND GIVE TO THE POOR?
TO HELP THOSE IN NEED,
AND FIGHT THOSE
IN POWER?
AND TO RUN THROUGH
THE FOREST IN TIGHTS,
SCREAMING THINGS LIKE,
"WHAT, HO?"
COOL.
WELCOME
TO THE MERRY MEN!
YAY!
MASTER ROBIN!
MASTER ROBIN!
PRINCE JOHN
IS HEADED THIS WAY!
HE'S WITH
THE SHERIFF
OF NOTTINGHAM
AND THE ENTIRE
ROYAL GUARD!
WHAT A BREAK!
THE PRINCE IS SURE TO HAVE
THE PEASANTS' GOLD WITH HIM.
HE WON'T LEAVE HOME
WITHOUT IT.
WE'LL TAKE THE GOLD BACK
FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE
OF SHERWOOD.
YAY!
ARE YOU READY,
LITTLE JOHN?
YO.
WILL SCARLET.
MY SWORD IS SWORN
TO YOUR SERVICE.
ALLAN-A-DALE.
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM
AND LIBERTY.
FRIAR TUCK.
G-G-G-GRANDMA,
WHAT BIG EARS
YOU HAVE.
DOES ANYONE OUT THERE
FIT A SIZE 7
FRIAR'S OUTFIT?
OH, MY, MY,
MONEY,
MONEY, MONEY!
WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL CASH!
SHERIFF, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO WITH IT ?
NO, PRINCE JOHN,
YOUR POINTLESSNESS.
I'M GOING TO ROLL
AROUND IN IT UNTIL
THOROUGHLY COATED.
YOU ARE
A FINANCIAL WIZARD,
YOUR SLOWNESS.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S OUTLAW MUSIC,
AND WHERE THERE'S
OUTLAW MUSIC,
THERE'S ROBIN HOOD
AND HIS MERRY MEN.
ROBIN HOOD!
CALM DOWN,
YOUR HIGH-STRUNGEDNESS.
ROBIN HOOD
WOULD NEVER ATTACK
A FULLY ARMED
ROYAL ENTOURAGE.
LET ME
REPHRASE THAT.
COMPANY!
AND THE FOREST
IS A MESS.
YOU'RE COMING WITH US,
ROBIN HOOD.
I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU
IN YOUR TRAVELS, SHERIFF,
BUT I PROMISED
MY MERRY MEN
A BIG FIGHT.
I'D BE HAPPY
TO HELP OUT.
SEIZE HIM!
[SHOUTING]
[WHISTLES]
[SWORDS CLANGING]
AHA!
[NEIGHS]
[NEIGHS]
GET OFF ME!
I SAID,
SEIZE HIM--
ROBIN HOOD!
HIM!
AAH! NO!
SEIZE HIM!
WHAT?
[HORN PLAYING]
AAH-HA!
OOF!
OH.
ALL RIGHT, PRINCEY.
HAND IT OVER.
HAND WHAT OVER?
I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT
ANY GOLD.
NO!
HOORAY!
HOORAY
FOR ROBIN HOOD!
PRINCE JOHN,
THANK YOU
FOR YOUR GENEROUS
CONTRIBUTION.
YAY, ROBIN!
ALL MY MONEY,
MY MONEY,
MY MONEY!
IT'S ALL GONE,
ALL GONE!
HOW I HATE
THAT ROBIN HOOD
WITH HIS CAP
AND HIS FEATHER
AND HIS ROBBING
AND HIS GIVING
AND HIS RUNNING
THROUGH THE FOREST
GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT.
I HATE HIM.
HIM I HATE!
Sheriff:
BUT I'VE DEVISED
THE PERFECT SCHEME
TO TRAP ROBIN HOOD
AND HAVE HIM
AT OUR MERCY.
OH, GOODY,
GOODY, GOODY!
WHAT IS
YOUR PERFECT
SCHEME?
WELL, FIRST...
AH, MAID MARIAN,
THE LOVELY WARD
OF THE ABSENT KING RICHARD.
GOOD AND
REPULSIVE SHERIFF,
DID I HEAR YOU SAY
THAT YOU PLAN TO
CAPTURE ROBIN HOOD?
YES, MY LADY.
NO! AAH!
PSST! PSST!
THE SCHEME,
THE SCHEME!
WHY, MARIAN!
DO I DETECT THAT
YOU HAVE FEELINGS
FOR THIS BANDIT?
OH, NO.
FEELINGS?
OH, NO.
HE'S AN OUTLAW.
I SAY "FEH"
TO ROBIN HOOD.
GOOD.
BECAUSE I WOULD
HATE TO THINK
THAT THE WOMAN
I PLAN TO MARRY
LOVES ROBIN HOOD.
HA! LOVE THAT
BRAVE, GORGEOUS,
HUNK OF A MERRY MAN?
AH!
HOW COULD I, AFTER
THE GLORIOUS GIFTS
YOU'VE GIVEN ME?
THE 24-HOUR GUARD
AT MY DOOR,
THE MOAT
AROUND MY BED,
THE SECURITY CAMERAS
IN THIS CORRIDOR.
YOU'RE TOO GENEROUS.
[CHUCKLES]
JUST WAIT
TILL CHRISTMAS.
WAS IT YOU
WHO MENTIONED
A SCHEME?
WHAT IS
YOUR SCHEME, SHERIFF?
PRINCE JOHN WILL DECLARE
A ROYAL ARCHERY CONTEST
TO TAKE PLACE
ON THE CASTLE GROUNDS.
ROBIN HOOD WILL,
DOUBTLESS, SHOW UP.
THEN, WE HAVE HIM.
UM, WOULD YOU
EXCUSE ME?
I HAVE TO FLOSS.
SELMA,
YOU MUST HELP ME.
I WANT YOU TO RELAY
A VERY IMPORTANT
MESSAGE
TO ROBIN HOOD.
OH, WHAT IS
THE MESSAGE?
THE MESSAGE IS,
THE ARCHERY CONTEST
IS A TRAP.
YOU GOT THAT?
OH, YES, M'LADY.
GET THIS MESSAGE
TO ROBIN HOOD.
YES, YES?
UM, THE PARTRIDGE
TREE CONQUEST
IS A SNAP.
GET THIS MESSAGE
TO ROBIN HOOD.
THE TAUGHT
AWFULLY DUMB TEST...
[PANTING]
HAS NO PLUCK.
OK, HERE'S
YOUR TAX MONEY.
NOW GO
WITH MY BLESSINGS.
[PANTS]
ARE YOU ROBIN HOOD?
THAT DEPENDS.
I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM THE MAID MARIAN.
THE MESSAGE IS,
UH...
NO STARCH
IN THE COLLAR,
AND I'D LIKE
MY SHIRTS...AAH!
WRAPPED.
LITTLE JOHN,
GIVE ME YOUR
GIBBERISH-ENGLISH,
ENGLISH-GIBBERISH
DICTIONARY.
"NO STARCHED
IN THE COLLAR,
AND I'D LIKE
MY SHIRTS WRAPPED."
TRANSLATION--
THE ARCHERY CONTEST
IS A TRAP!
YOU
C-C-CAN'T GO!
YOU'LL BE WALKING
RIGHT INTO THEIR TRAP.
THERE'S NO TRAP
THAT CAN HOLD...
ROBIN HOOD!
I SAW A BIG METAL TRAP
ONCE WITH BIG, SHARP TEETH.
AND IT SPRINGS CLOSED
ON YOUR FOOT,
LIKE THIS!
I DON'T THINK HE HAS
ONE OF THOSE.
IF WE CAN'T
S-S-STOP YOU,
THEN WE'RE
G-G-GOING WITH YOU.
FINE.
WITH YOUR HELP,
I WILL WIN
THE CONTEST,
THWART THE SHERIFF
OF NOTTINGHAM,
AND SWEEP
THE FAIR MAID MARIAN
OFF OF HER CUTE
LITTLE TOOTSIES.
THEN LET'S
BE OFF.
WAIT!
WE HAVE TO WEAR
DISGUISES SO
NO ONE NOTICES US.
OH, GOOD, I'LL WEAR
MY GREAT BIG
PUMPKIN HEAD.
YOU ALWAYS
GET TO WEAR
THE P-P-PUMPKIN HEAD.
I WANT
TO WEAR IT.
GUYS...
IT'S MY
PUMPKIN HEAD.
IT IS NOT.
HIGHLY TRAINED
PROFESSIONALS.
GROG! GET
YOUR ICE COLD GROG
RIGHT HERE!
GET YOUR GROG!
AHH...
[GASPS]
[SNAP]
YII!
[FANFARE]
AHEM...
HERE ARE
TODAY'S CONTESTANTS.
COUNT BACKWARDS
FROM 10,
SIR TIFICATE
OF AUTHENTICITY,
MURRAY,
BOBBIN HOOD.
NEVER LET A GOOD COSTUME
GO TO WASTE.
PSST!
HUH?
COMMENCE THE FIRST ROUND.
[FANFARE]
Man: YEOW!
SORRY.
OOF! COMMENCE
THE SECOND ROUND!
[FANFARE]
SHUT UP, ALREADY!
WHOA!
OOF!
TWO CONTESTANTS LEFT.
LET THE FINAL TRAP--
UH, ROUND BEGIN.
[FANFARE]
YAY!
NO PROBLEM.
OOH!
[DRUM ROLL]
YAY!
YAY!
YAHOO!
Y-Y-YIPPEE! YIPPEE!
WELL, IT SEEMS
WE HAVE A WINNER.
WELL, MR. BOBBIN HOOD.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I AM FROM THAT PLACE
WHERE JUSTICE STILL REIGNS.
I SPEAK
OF SHERWOOD FOREST,
THE HOME
OF ROBIN HOOD.
YOU'VE WALKED
RIGHT INTO MY TRAP.
YOU ARE SURROUNDED
BY HUNDREDS
OF MY MOST
FEROCIOUS GUARDS.
THE ODDS
ARE MOST CERTAINLY
AGAINST YOU.
THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG,
FOR I HAVE
MY TWO MOST TRUSTED
MERRY MEN--
THE COOL GUY
AND THE PUMPKIN HEAD.
TOGETHER,
WE WILL LIBERATE
THE FAIR MAID MARIAN,
THAT IS,
IF SHE'LL HAVE ME.
HI.
FINE.
THE WEDDING IS OFF.
SEIZE THEM!
[PLAYING BASS NOTES]
[PLAYING SWING]
THIS MUSIC IS OUTLAWED.
GUARDS, STOP THEM!
HUH?
STOP THAT!
STOP THAT!
STOP THAT!
I SUSPECTED
THEY WERE HEP CATS.
[SWING ENDS]
[PLAYING GUITAR]
NO! OH, NO!
WHO ARE YOU, VISITOR?
WHY, IT'S THE WOLF,
DRESSED JUST LIKE
MY GRANDMA.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
PRINCE JOHN?
DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN BROTHER?
THE KING!
IT'S THE KING!
ELVIS?
WHA...
KING RICHARD,
YOUR MAJESTY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ON MY THRONE?
OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
IS THIS YOUR THRONE?
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE, DICK--
UH...RICH,
UH...YOUR HIGHNESS.
LONG LIVE THE KING!
All: LONG LIVE
THE KING!
WELL, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU BACK,
YOUR MAJESTY.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
SOFT DRINK, A HOT TOWEL?
20 BUCKS?
SHUT UP.SHUT UP.
YOU HATH TRIED
TO USURP ME.
I HATE THAT.
I SENTENCE EACH OF YOU
TO 10 YEARS
OF WATCHING THE HOME
SHOPPING NETWORK.
TAKE THEM AWAY.
HUH?
AAH!
NO! NO! ANYTHING
BUT THAT!
NO, PLEASE! AAH!
AAH!
NOW, WHICH
OF MY SUBJECTS
PLAYED THAT COOL
AND GLORIOUS MUSIC
I HEARD
UPON MY ARRIVAL?
IT WAS I, ROBIN HOOD,
AND MY BAND OF MERRY MEN.
THEN KNEEL BEFORE ME,
ROBIN HOOD.
I DUB THEE
SIR ROBIN OF HOOD,
THE KING OF SWING.
THANKS, YOUR MAJESTY.
SIR ROBIN,
YOU AND YOUR BAND
SHALL PLAY
ALL THE BIG PARTIES
AT THE NOTTINGHAM
HALL OF CATERING,
COMMENCING WITH
YOUR OWN WEDDING
TO MY WARD,
THE FAIR
MAID MARIAN.
AHH.
M-M-M-MAZEL TOV!
THREE CHEERS
FOR ROBIN HOOD!
CHEER!
CHEER!
CHEER!
AND WHAT SAY YE
TO ME, SWEET ROBIN?
MARIAN, WHAT BIG EYES
YOU HAVE.
WHAT BIG LIPS YOU HAVE.
WHAT A BIG SNOOT--
HOLD IT. H-H-HOLD IT!
I THOUGHT YOU SAID N-N-NO
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
IF THE LINE WORKS,
THE LINE WORKS.
AND THEY ALL LIVED
HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
ESPECIALLY ME,
STARTING IN
ABOUT 2 SECONDS.
AH HA! NOW, WHERE
WERE WE?
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT
HI, LETTERHEADS.
IT'S TIME TO DIP INTO
THE BAG O' MAIL.
WRONG BAG.
THAT'S MY LUNCH.
"YO, ALFER,
I'M AN ALIEN, TOO.
"I'M AS CUTE AND
FURRY AND TALENTED AS YOU,
"AND I CAN DANCE.
"THE NETWORKS ARE BEATING
DOWN MY SPACESHIP DOOR
"FOR ME TO DO A SERIES.
"MY AGENT IS SURE
I WILL BE AT LEAST
"THE BIGGEST STAR
AS YOU.
"WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU
OFFER ME?
SIGNED, ALF LIKE YOU."
DEAR ALF LIKE ME,
DON'T WASTE
YOUR TALENTS ON TV.
TURN YOURSELF OVER
TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
ALIEN TASK FORCE DIVISION.
THEY'LL TAKE REAL
GOOD CARE OF YOUR CAREER.
DO WHATEVER THEY
TELL YOU TO DO,
EVEN IF IT INVOLVES CAGES
AND ELECTRODES
AND BRAIN WAVES.
THEY KNOW WHAT'S
BEST FOR YOU.
AND THIS GOES FOR ANY OTHER
AMBITIOUS ALIEN OUT THERE.
THE REST OF YOU,
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
THE NERVE!
LIONS GATE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
OH, HI.
TODAY WE BRING YOU
TO ENGLAND--
BACK TO A TIME
WHEN MEN WERE MEN,
AND WOMEN
WERE GLAD OF IT.
THAT COULD BE
JUST ABOUT ANYTIME,
BUT IN THIS CASE,
IT'S THE MIDDLE AGES.
THIS IS THE COSTUME
OF THAT NOBLE OUTLAW
OF SHERWOOD FOREST--
ROBIN HOOD.
ROBIN HOOD WAS
BRAVE, GALLANT, GENEROUS,
AND VERY POPULAR
WITH THE LADIES--
TYPECASTING.
WHILE I CHANGE,
LET ME CATCH YOU UP
ON THE SITUATION.
ROLL THE CLIP.
[PROJECTOR RUNNING]
ENGLAND IS A MESS.
GOOD KING RICHARD
IS OFF IN A FARAWAY LAND
PROMOTING HIS NEW BOOK--
HOW TO BE
A REALLY NICE KING.
MEANWHILE, HIS EVIL
BROTHER, PRINCE JOHN,
HAS TAKEN OVER ENGLAND.
THE NASTY SHERIFF
OF NOTTINGHAM
IS FORCING THE PEASANTS
TO HAND OVER ALL THEIR MONEY
AND COUNTER-TOP
APPLIANCES...
WHILE KEEPING
THE KING'S NIECE,
THE LOVELY MAID MARIAN,
A PRISONER
IN NOTTINGHAM CASTLE.
[PLAYING HARMONICA]
ROBIN HOOD IS FIGHTING
THIS INJUSTICE
BY TAKING FROM THE RICH
AND GIVING BACK
TO THE POOR.
ALWAYS AT HIS SIDE ARE
HIS BAND OF MERRY MEN.
ESPECIALLY HIS TRUSTY
COMPANION, FRIAR TUCK.
OH, TUCK.
OH, FRIAR.
D-D-DO YOU KNOW THE WAY
TO G-G-GRANDMA'S HOUSE?
RICK, WHAT THE HECK
ARE YOU WEARING?
I-I'M LITTLE
RED R-R-RIDING HOOD.
LITTLE RED--NO, NO!
IT'S ROBIN HOOD.
ALL RIGHT, THEN,
LITTLE RED
R-R-ROBIN HOOD.
THERE'S NOTHING LITTLE
AND NOTHING RED, RICK.
IT'S JUST PLAIN
ROBIN HOOD.
OH, I G-G-GET IT.
GREAT. NOW, GET INTO
THE FRIAR COSTUME.
R-R-RIGHT.
ON WITH OUR STORY.
W-W-WHAT'S A FRIAR?
AHH...
ROBIN AND HIS MEN
ARE SPENDING
A TYPICAL DAY
IN SHERWOOD FOREST.
[SNORING]
STOP THE MIDDLE AGE MUSIC!
LET'S PLAY SOMETHING
THAT REALLY SWINGS.
BUT ROBIN, PRINCE JOHN
HAS OUTLAWED
ALL HEP MUSIC.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING
IN THE DISTANCE]
THAT'S THE BEST
ALTO SAXOPHONE
I'VE EVER HEARD
IN THESE WOODS.
HE'D BE G-G-GREAT
IN THE BAND.
ONLY IF HE CAN FIGHT
AS WELL AS HE PLAYS.
PRITHEE, STRANGER.
ARE YOU AS GOOD
WITH THE QUARTERSTAFF
AS YOU ARE
WITH YON SAXOPHONE?
WHAT'S A QUARTERSTAFF?
OH, YOU MEAN
THE BIG STICK?
AS THEY SAY
IN THE CRUSADES,
HAVE AT YOU!
HA! HO HO! HA!
AAH!
AHEM!
[HUMMING]
[YAWNS]
HAVE AT YOU AGAIN.
OH!
WHOA!
[SPLASH]
TRADITIONALLY,
THE RULES CALL FOR
THREE OUT OF FIVE.
FOUR OUT OF...
16 OUT OF...
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
MAYBE WE COULD TRY
BOBBING FOR APPLES.
I NOW ADMINISTER THE PLEDGE
OF THE MERRY MEN
TO OUR NEWEST RECRUIT,
LITTLE JOHN.
DO YOU SOLEMNLY PLEDGE
TO TAKE FROM THE RICH,
AND GIVE TO THE POOR?
TO HELP THOSE IN NEED,
AND FIGHT THOSE
IN POWER?
AND TO RUN THROUGH
THE FOREST IN TIGHTS,
SCREAMING THINGS LIKE,
"WHAT, HO?"
COOL.
WELCOME
TO THE MERRY MEN!
YAY!
MASTER ROBIN!
MASTER ROBIN!
PRINCE JOHN
IS HEADED THIS WAY!
HE'S WITH
THE SHERIFF
OF NOTTINGHAM
AND THE ENTIRE
ROYAL GUARD!
WHAT A BREAK!
THE PRINCE IS SURE TO HAVE
THE PEASANTS' GOLD WITH HIM.
HE WON'T LEAVE HOME
WITHOUT IT.
WE'LL TAKE THE GOLD BACK
FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE
OF SHERWOOD.
YAY!
ARE YOU READY,
LITTLE JOHN?
YO.
WILL SCARLET.
MY SWORD IS SWORN
TO YOUR SERVICE.
ALLAN-A-DALE.
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM
AND LIBERTY.
FRIAR TUCK.
G-G-G-GRANDMA,
WHAT BIG EARS
YOU HAVE.
DOES ANYONE OUT THERE
FIT A SIZE 7
FRIAR'S OUTFIT?
OH, MY, MY,
MONEY,
MONEY, MONEY!
WONDERFUL,
WONDERFUL CASH!
SHERIFF, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M GOING
TO DO WITH IT ?
NO, PRINCE JOHN,
YOUR POINTLESSNESS.
I'M GOING TO ROLL
AROUND IN IT UNTIL
THOROUGHLY COATED.
YOU ARE
A FINANCIAL WIZARD,
YOUR SLOWNESS.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S OUTLAW MUSIC,
AND WHERE THERE'S
OUTLAW MUSIC,
THERE'S ROBIN HOOD
AND HIS MERRY MEN.
ROBIN HOOD!
CALM DOWN,
YOUR HIGH-STRUNGEDNESS.
ROBIN HOOD
WOULD NEVER ATTACK
A FULLY ARMED
ROYAL ENTOURAGE.
LET ME
REPHRASE THAT.
COMPANY!
AND THE FOREST
IS A MESS.
YOU'RE COMING WITH US,
ROBIN HOOD.
I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU
IN YOUR TRAVELS, SHERIFF,
BUT I PROMISED
MY MERRY MEN
A BIG FIGHT.
I'D BE HAPPY
TO HELP OUT.
SEIZE HIM!
[SHOUTING]
[WHISTLES]
[SWORDS CLANGING]
AHA!
[NEIGHS]
[NEIGHS]
GET OFF ME!
I SAID,
SEIZE HIM--
ROBIN HOOD!
HIM!
AAH! NO!
SEIZE HIM!
WHAT?
[HORN PLAYING]
AAH-HA!
OOF!
OH.
ALL RIGHT, PRINCEY.
HAND IT OVER.
HAND WHAT OVER?
I DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT
ANY GOLD.
NO!
HOORAY!
HOORAY
FOR ROBIN HOOD!
PRINCE JOHN,
THANK YOU
FOR YOUR GENEROUS
CONTRIBUTION.
YAY, ROBIN!
ALL MY MONEY,
MY MONEY,
MY MONEY!
IT'S ALL GONE,
ALL GONE!
HOW I HATE
THAT ROBIN HOOD
WITH HIS CAP
AND HIS FEATHER
AND HIS ROBBING
AND HIS GIVING
AND HIS RUNNING
THROUGH THE FOREST
GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT.
I HATE HIM.
HIM I HATE!
Sheriff:
BUT I'VE DEVISED
THE PERFECT SCHEME
TO TRAP ROBIN HOOD
AND HAVE HIM
AT OUR MERCY.
OH, GOODY,
GOODY, GOODY!
WHAT IS
YOUR PERFECT
SCHEME?
WELL, FIRST...
AH, MAID MARIAN,
THE LOVELY WARD
OF THE ABSENT KING RICHARD.
GOOD AND
REPULSIVE SHERIFF,
DID I HEAR YOU SAY
THAT YOU PLAN TO
CAPTURE ROBIN HOOD?
YES, MY LADY.
NO! AAH!
PSST! PSST!
THE SCHEME,
THE SCHEME!
WHY, MARIAN!
DO I DETECT THAT
YOU HAVE FEELINGS
FOR THIS BANDIT?
OH, NO.
FEELINGS?
OH, NO.
HE'S AN OUTLAW.
I SAY "FEH"
TO ROBIN HOOD.
GOOD.
BECAUSE I WOULD
HATE TO THINK
THAT THE WOMAN
I PLAN TO MARRY
LOVES ROBIN HOOD.
HA! LOVE THAT
BRAVE, GORGEOUS,
HUNK OF A MERRY MAN?
AH!
HOW COULD I, AFTER
THE GLORIOUS GIFTS
YOU'VE GIVEN ME?
THE 24-HOUR GUARD
AT MY DOOR,
THE MOAT
AROUND MY BED,
THE SECURITY CAMERAS
IN THIS CORRIDOR.
YOU'RE TOO GENEROUS.
[CHUCKLES]
JUST WAIT
TILL CHRISTMAS.
WAS IT YOU
WHO MENTIONED
A SCHEME?
WHAT IS
YOUR SCHEME, SHERIFF?
PRINCE JOHN WILL DECLARE
A ROYAL ARCHERY CONTEST
TO TAKE PLACE
ON THE CASTLE GROUNDS.
ROBIN HOOD WILL,
DOUBTLESS, SHOW UP.
THEN, WE HAVE HIM.
UM, WOULD YOU
EXCUSE ME?
I HAVE TO FLOSS.
SELMA,
YOU MUST HELP ME.
I WANT YOU TO RELAY
A VERY IMPORTANT
MESSAGE
TO ROBIN HOOD.
OH, WHAT IS
THE MESSAGE?
THE MESSAGE IS,
THE ARCHERY CONTEST
IS A TRAP.
YOU GOT THAT?
OH, YES, M'LADY.
GET THIS MESSAGE
TO ROBIN HOOD.
YES, YES?
UM, THE PARTRIDGE
TREE CONQUEST
IS A SNAP.
GET THIS MESSAGE
TO ROBIN HOOD.
THE TAUGHT
AWFULLY DUMB TEST...
[PANTING]
HAS NO PLUCK.
OK, HERE'S
YOUR TAX MONEY.
NOW GO
WITH MY BLESSINGS.
[PANTS]
ARE YOU ROBIN HOOD?
THAT DEPENDS.
I HAVE A MESSAGE
FROM THE MAID MARIAN.
THE MESSAGE IS,
UH...
NO STARCH
IN THE COLLAR,
AND I'D LIKE
MY SHIRTS...AAH!
WRAPPED.
LITTLE JOHN,
GIVE ME YOUR
GIBBERISH-ENGLISH,
ENGLISH-GIBBERISH
DICTIONARY.
"NO STARCHED
IN THE COLLAR,
AND I'D LIKE
MY SHIRTS WRAPPED."
TRANSLATION--
THE ARCHERY CONTEST
IS A TRAP!
YOU
C-C-CAN'T GO!
YOU'LL BE WALKING
RIGHT INTO THEIR TRAP.
THERE'S NO TRAP
THAT CAN HOLD...
ROBIN HOOD!
I SAW A BIG METAL TRAP
ONCE WITH BIG, SHARP TEETH.
AND IT SPRINGS CLOSED
ON YOUR FOOT,
LIKE THIS!
I DON'T THINK HE HAS
ONE OF THOSE.
IF WE CAN'T
S-S-STOP YOU,
THEN WE'RE
G-G-GOING WITH YOU.
FINE.
WITH YOUR HELP,
I WILL WIN
THE CONTEST,
THWART THE SHERIFF
OF NOTTINGHAM,
AND SWEEP
THE FAIR MAID MARIAN
OFF OF HER CUTE
LITTLE TOOTSIES.
THEN LET'S
BE OFF.
WAIT!
WE HAVE TO WEAR
DISGUISES SO
NO ONE NOTICES US.
OH, GOOD, I'LL WEAR
MY GREAT BIG
PUMPKIN HEAD.
YOU ALWAYS
GET TO WEAR
THE P-P-PUMPKIN HEAD.
I WANT
TO WEAR IT.
GUYS...
IT'S MY
PUMPKIN HEAD.
IT IS NOT.
HIGHLY TRAINED
PROFESSIONALS.
GROG! GET
YOUR ICE COLD GROG
RIGHT HERE!
GET YOUR GROG!
AHH...
[GASPS]
[SNAP]
YII!
[FANFARE]
AHEM...
HERE ARE
TODAY'S CONTESTANTS.
COUNT BACKWARDS
FROM 10,
SIR TIFICATE
OF AUTHENTICITY,
MURRAY,
BOBBIN HOOD.
NEVER LET A GOOD COSTUME
GO TO WASTE.
PSST!
HUH?
COMMENCE THE FIRST ROUND.
[FANFARE]
Man: YEOW!
SORRY.
OOF! COMMENCE
THE SECOND ROUND!
[FANFARE]
SHUT UP, ALREADY!
WHOA!
OOF!
TWO CONTESTANTS LEFT.
LET THE FINAL TRAP--
UH, ROUND BEGIN.
[FANFARE]
YAY!
NO PROBLEM.
OOH!
[DRUM ROLL]
YAY!
YAY!
YAHOO!
Y-Y-YIPPEE! YIPPEE!
WELL, IT SEEMS
WE HAVE A WINNER.
WELL, MR. BOBBIN HOOD.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I AM FROM THAT PLACE
WHERE JUSTICE STILL REIGNS.
I SPEAK
OF SHERWOOD FOREST,
THE HOME
OF ROBIN HOOD.
YOU'VE WALKED
RIGHT INTO MY TRAP.
YOU ARE SURROUNDED
BY HUNDREDS
OF MY MOST
FEROCIOUS GUARDS.
THE ODDS
ARE MOST CERTAINLY
AGAINST YOU.
THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE WRONG,
FOR I HAVE
MY TWO MOST TRUSTED
MERRY MEN--
THE COOL GUY
AND THE PUMPKIN HEAD.
TOGETHER,
WE WILL LIBERATE
THE FAIR MAID MARIAN,
THAT IS,
IF SHE'LL HAVE ME.
HI.
FINE.
THE WEDDING IS OFF.
SEIZE THEM!
[PLAYING BASS NOTES]
[PLAYING SWING]
THIS MUSIC IS OUTLAWED.
GUARDS, STOP THEM!
HUH?
STOP THAT!
STOP THAT!
STOP THAT!
I SUSPECTED
THEY WERE HEP CATS.
[SWING ENDS]
[PLAYING GUITAR]
NO! OH, NO!
WHO ARE YOU, VISITOR?
WHY, IT'S THE WOLF,
DRESSED JUST LIKE
MY GRANDMA.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
PRINCE JOHN?
DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE
YOUR OWN BROTHER?
THE KING!
IT'S THE KING!
ELVIS?
WHA...
KING RICHARD,
YOUR MAJESTY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ON MY THRONE?
OH, MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
IS THIS YOUR THRONE?
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE, DICK--
UH...RICH,
UH...YOUR HIGHNESS.
LONG LIVE THE KING!
All: LONG LIVE
THE KING!
WELL, IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU BACK,
YOUR MAJESTY.
CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
SOFT DRINK, A HOT TOWEL?
20 BUCKS?
SHUT UP.SHUT UP.
YOU HATH TRIED
TO USURP ME.
I HATE THAT.
I SENTENCE EACH OF YOU
TO 10 YEARS
OF WATCHING THE HOME
SHOPPING NETWORK.
TAKE THEM AWAY.
HUH?
AAH!
NO! NO! ANYTHING
BUT THAT!
NO, PLEASE! AAH!
AAH!
NOW, WHICH
OF MY SUBJECTS
PLAYED THAT COOL
AND GLORIOUS MUSIC
I HEARD
UPON MY ARRIVAL?
IT WAS I, ROBIN HOOD,
AND MY BAND OF MERRY MEN.
THEN KNEEL BEFORE ME,
ROBIN HOOD.
I DUB THEE
SIR ROBIN OF HOOD,
THE KING OF SWING.
THANKS, YOUR MAJESTY.
SIR ROBIN,
YOU AND YOUR BAND
SHALL PLAY
ALL THE BIG PARTIES
AT THE NOTTINGHAM
HALL OF CATERING,
COMMENCING WITH
YOUR OWN WEDDING
TO MY WARD,
THE FAIR
MAID MARIAN.
AHH.
M-M-M-MAZEL TOV!
THREE CHEERS
FOR ROBIN HOOD!
CHEER!
CHEER!
CHEER!
AND WHAT SAY YE
TO ME, SWEET ROBIN?
MARIAN, WHAT BIG EYES
YOU HAVE.
WHAT BIG LIPS YOU HAVE.
WHAT A BIG SNOOT--
HOLD IT. H-H-HOLD IT!
I THOUGHT YOU SAID N-N-NO
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
IF THE LINE WORKS,
THE LINE WORKS.
AND THEY ALL LIVED
HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
ESPECIALLY ME,
STARTING IN
ABOUT 2 SECONDS.
AH HA! NOW, WHERE
WERE WE?
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT
HI, LETTERHEADS.
IT'S TIME TO DIP INTO
THE BAG O' MAIL.
WRONG BAG.
THAT'S MY LUNCH.
"YO, ALFER,
I'M AN ALIEN, TOO.
"I'M AS CUTE AND
FURRY AND TALENTED AS YOU,
"AND I CAN DANCE.
"THE NETWORKS ARE BEATING
DOWN MY SPACESHIP DOOR
"FOR ME TO DO A SERIES.
"MY AGENT IS SURE
I WILL BE AT LEAST
"THE BIGGEST STAR
AS YOU.
"WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU
OFFER ME?
SIGNED, ALF LIKE YOU."
DEAR ALF LIKE ME,
DON'T WASTE
YOUR TALENTS ON TV.
TURN YOURSELF OVER
TO THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
ALIEN TASK FORCE DIVISION.
THEY'LL TAKE REAL
GOOD CARE OF YOUR CAREER.
DO WHATEVER THEY
TELL YOU TO DO,
EVEN IF IT INVOLVES CAGES
AND ELECTRODES
AND BRAIN WAVES.
THEY KNOW WHAT'S
BEST FOR YOU.
AND THIS GOES FOR ANY OTHER
AMBITIOUS ALIEN OUT THERE.
THE REST OF YOU,
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
THE NERVE!