ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 9 - Live and Let Die - full transcript

When the Tanners' cat Lucky dies, ALF decides to answer a giveaway ad in the paper for kittens so that he can eat them, only to find out that he likes having them as pets.

What a mess.

I cannot believe you exploded

a dozen eggs in our microwave.

Don't worry. I'll lick it clean
like I always do.

I will thank you to keep your
tongue off our appliances.

Fine. Another arbitrary rule.

Kate, I have some very bad news.

What? What is it?

I-I found the cat
outside by the fence.

- He's dead.
- Lucky?

Oh, no.

So, what's the bad news?

That was the bad news.
Thank you for your concern.

Well, honey, what-what happened?

Well, he must have died
in his sleep.

Apparently, he was a lot older
than the vet said he was.

I-I wrapped him in a towel
and put him in the garage.

Poor Lucky.

Oh, this is gonna be
so hard for Brian.

The Luck Meister is dead.

This is indeed a very dark day
for anyone who knew him

or chased him.

Is the Crock-Pot
still under the sink?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Please take good care of Lucky,
and let him be happy.

Tell him we miss him. Amen.

Lynn, that was indeed beautiful.

I'm reminded of a prayer
he used to recite

every night before bed.

"And if I die before I wake

chicken fry me like a steak."

- ALF!
- Hey.

They were his words.

[Willie clears throat]

Life is eternal

and, uh, love is immortal

and death is but a horizon.

What we return to the Earth,
we receive back...tenfold.

Tragic. A tragic waste.

Wouldn't you
like to say something, Bri?

- No.
- Honey..

It might make you feel better
if you say goodbye to him.

- Bye.
- Whoa.

What a load off.

Brian, uh, it's okay

if you don't wanna say anything,
you don't have to.

There's nothing I wanna say.

Come on, Bri.
Let's go inside.

Funeral poopers!

Don't you have any respect
for people's feelings?

Well, excuse me.

But where I'm from,
this is ludicrous.

It's like having a funeral
for a hamburger.

Why don't you just, uh,
go inside with them.

Why? I thought I'd help you
bury the little patty melt.

Not a chance.

I'm gonna bury him
in an undisclosed place.

Well, can I at least
put something in there with him?

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.
Just hurry up.

This was Lucky's favorite toy.

He loved the sound
the little metal bell made.

It wasn't exactly
the deepest cat in the world.


I'm sure that
Lucky will treasure this.

This would go well
with a full-bodied Chianti.

[instrumental music]

'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.'

Here, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty.

Come on.

I know you're out here.
Here, kitty, kitty..


What are you doing
with that metal detector?

This isn't a weed wacker?

Well, no wonder
it's taking so long!

Are you looking for this?

No. Uh..

I was looking for quarters.

Yeah. Hind quarters.

You were looking for
Lucky's body, weren't you?


I thought there should be
an autopsy.

A what?

There are still
a lot of unanswered questions

surrounding his death.

I've formulated
a second-gun theory.

What is your problem?

Willie, I must eat cat.

It burns in my blood!

It's the fire in my loins!

Fish gotta swim,
birds gotta fly

why then, oh, why can't I?

I don't wanna hear this.

Melmacians who didn't eat cat
were considered sissies.

We spat on cat lovers.

Don't spit on my shoe.

I thought a visual aid
might help.

'Hey, Tanner,
what's going on out there?'

Hide! Quick!

By the way, that's
Trevor's weed wacker. Play dumb.

[instrumental music]

Hurry, Bri. We're gonna be late
for church.

I'm not hungry.

Honey, it's a shame
to waste good food.

Why don't you bury it
in the backyard?

That way you'll have
something out there

from all the food groups.

You know, Brian,
we all loved Lucky

uh, and we all miss him,
but he's gone now

and sometimes the best way
to get over the loss of a pet

is just go right out
and get yourself another one.

Same as losing a wife.

The want ads here
are full of people

wh-who are giving away
all sorts of pets.

"Giving away?"

Would that include cats,
nature's perfect food.

We're not getting a cat.

Uh, if anything,
we'll get a dog.

A dog? Oh, like I need the
competition for table scraps.

I don't want a dog.

Me either.

Not enough gristle.

Breakfast is over.
We all need some air.

- Come on, Bri.
- See you after church, ALF.

Yeah. Put a good word in for me.

Not that I need it.

Don't do any more
treasure hunting.

How can I?

It's not like Lucky had any
silver fillings in his teeth.

Did he?

Goodbye, ALF.

Free cats.

Wonder if they deliver.

No, I can't.
Willie'll kill me.

Well, maybe if I just eat
the feet, nobody'll notice.

[instrumental music]

So, any last meows?

Huh? No.

Then I'll see you in a few days.

You're kind of small,
aren't you?

Well, at least you won't claw
so much going down.


Don't look at me like that.


Oh, no.

What's wrong with me?

Maybe you have an ugly brother
or sister in that box.



Now, you're ugly enough to eat.

[Lynn chuckling]


What cats?

Where did you get these?

Um, they came
for Lucky's funeral.

They brought casseroles.

What was I gonna do,
turn them away?

Alright, alright.
I called an ad in the paper.

How many did you eat?

- None.
- I don't believe you, ALF.

Alright, then give me
a bucket and a moment to myself

and I'll show you.

We'll take your word for it.

It makes me sick to even think
that you would eat a cat.

There'll be no eating of cats
in this house. Do you hear me?

Alright. But that rule
has to apply to everybody

for it to mean anything.

'Hey, Tanner, you guys in?'

Maybe we can get the Ochmoneks
to take them.

They'd be better off
on the freeway.

Well, hi Trevor, Raquel.

Hi, Kate. Hey, Willie?

Raquel and I are going
treasure hunting in Malibu.

You guys wanna come?

We're gonna hang around outside
Larry Hagman's house.

Last week I found a watch.

- Look.
- It's lovely.

And I can wear it in the shower.

Well, as exciting
as that sounds, uh

we're kind of busy, we've gotta
find a home for these kittens

that were suspiciously left
on our doorstep.

We'd take one,
but Raquel's allergic.

She breaks out in these
big red welts that drip.

Trevor, please.
Some things are private.

Then why did you pose for the
cover of that medical journal?

I was young,
and I needed the money.

Aren't you gonna
lose the sun soon?

Good point. See you later.

You know, we should spring
for an electric fence.

[instrumental music]

Ready to go through with this?


Bon appetit.

Hey, hey, if you're gonna put up
a struggle, who needs you!


Oh, I can't do it.

That settles it.

I, Gordon Shumway, am a.. lover.


Sorry, ma.

'They're right in here.'

I am so ashamed, papa.

Why can't we get
a purebred Himalayan?

They cost too much, honey.

But how am I supposed
to get attached to a cheap cat?

[awkward chuckle]

Sorry about that.

I thought sending her to
French school meant to France.

I understand. Uh..
Well, here they are.

- Please, uh, pick one.
- Oh, these are great.

Oh, I like the grey one.

- A grey cat?
- Yeah.

You'll have to excuse my father.
He works with his hands.

I guess we'll, uh,
take the black one here.

Good choice. Very good choice.

- There you go.
- Thanks for the kitten.

Merci, madame.


Au revoir.

Well, I'm glad to see
you're not

giving them away
to just anybody.

ALF, what are you
doing out here?

Oh, Kate, I've discovered
a horrible secret about myself.

I am a cat lover.


Hold me?

We know all about
your love of cats, ALF.

That's why we just sent one home
with Les Miserables.

- No, I'm serious!
- Mm-hm.

And what supposedly brought on
this sudden change?

Would you believe I've never
seen a kitten before?

You? You have never seen
a kitten?

Never. Well..

I've seen bits of them
in chowder.

I just had no idea
they were so cute whole.

Nice try, bub.
Now back away from them slowly.

Oh, Kate,
I promise I won't harm a hair

on their fuzzy wittle heads.

- Have I ever lied to you?
- Yes. Several times.

I meant today.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Which one did they take?

Oh, I don't wanna know!

No, tell me.

No, no, no, don't tell me!

Tell me.

Stripey one.

Not Tuffy!

Oh, I can't stand this, Willie.

Every time you give away another
kitten, a part of me dies.


I tell you,
I'm a changed alien.

You know,
there's an old saying, ALF

the leopard cannot change
his spots.

Whoa, that's deep!

Back up, man, you lost me.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, yeah, Lynn.

There's one kitten left.
The grey one. Heh, the runt.

Hey, I'd like to see
baby pictures of you.


Well, Lynn's bringing
a friend by.

They're gonna pick up
the last one. The last cat.

Oh, you can't give away
the grey kitten!

He's my favorite.

Oh, I'll change my spots,

In fact, I'll endure every bad
analogy you throw my way.

I can't trust you, ALF.

These cats are too much
of a temptation for you.

- Did I ever try to eat Lucky?
- Yes.

I meant today.


Well, goodbye, kitty.
Have a nice life.

I love that cat.


I gotta get a handle on that.

[instrumental music]

And another thing
about having a cat

is a cat won't leave you
for a cheerleader named Buffy.

George and I were gonna spend
the rest of our lives together.

He said I inspired him.

That since he knew me,
he sold more van conversions

than anybody else
at the showroom.

Joanie, it's been a month.

That's three weeks longer
than you went with him.

But it was so right.

Didn't you think
it was right, Lynn?

Listen to me,
you are in danger

of developing
a very bad life pattern.

Hi, dad. Joanie's here
to pick up the kitten.

Oh, good.

How are things, Joanie?

I'm taking your cat.
What does that tell you?

Guess I'll go get it.

Now I'm stuck
with this lousy tattoo

and it doesn't mean anything.

I told you
not to rush into that.

'Oh, I'll strangle him!'

What's wrong, dad?

Uh-uh, it-it seems the cat has,
uh, wandered off.

It figures.

- 'ALF?'
- Stay cool.

Remember, I've been here
the whole time.

Where is that cat?

Why are you asking me?
I've been here the last hour.

Isn't that right, Eric?



I don't have time for this.

A morose teenager
has come to take it home.

Do I have to
tear the house apart?

Don't bother.

You won't find it.

Why not?

Because...I ate it.

I can't-I can't believe
that you could

possibly disappoint me
this much!

No more disappointed
than I am in myself, Willie.

Your punishment couldn't begin
to top what I'm going through.

We'll test that theory
in one minute.

You may be looking at the pinata
for your first birthday party.

I'm outta here.

I'm sorry, it appears
that something has happened

to the, uh, kitten.

- I see.
- Joanie.

This is not at all like
what happened

between you and George.

I wanna believe you.


At least now I'll have something
to talk about at group tonight.

Bye, Mr. Tanner.
I'll call you.


She's one taco short
of a combination plate.

What happened to the kitten?

Uh, it seems ALF..

...ate it.

Oh, my God!

That's just too horrible
to think about.

How do you know?

He admitted it.


I knew he was capable

but I never thought he'd
actually go through with it.

One thing is certain.
He'll never do it again!

[instrumental music]

Look, I don't know
how much time we have.

So here's the plan.

How soon do you think
you can get on a game show?

We're gonna need some money.

What, you have a better idea?


ALF, there you are.
Dad, he's in here.

Is he in a good mood
or a bad mood?

Don't even talk to me.

Guess it's that time, huh?

Doesn't a condemned man
get a last meal?

You just had it!

How about an after-dinner mint?

Dad, what's that?

Ah, pay no attention
to the moving box!

The great and powerful ALF
has spoken.


Don't take him away from me,
Willie. He's mine.

I'll do anything. Please.

ALF, you were telling the truth.

How many times does a guy
have to spit on himself

before you believe him?

I knew it.
I knew you couldn't eat him.

Then why didn't you
say something? Stick up for me?

What if I was wrong
and you ate him?

This is one of those
logic puzzles, isn't it?

I've never been good at those.

Willie, can I keep him?

- No.
- But why?

Well, I-I don't think
it would be a good idea

i-i-in light of everything.

But he's my friend.

You don't realize how close
you can get with someone

until you've had their head
in your mouth.

You should really have somebody
else do your arguing for you.

Dad, he obviously loves the
kitten. Don't we owe it to him?

Well, what do we owe him?

Lynn, he-he brought
these kittens

into our house without asking.

He tried to eat them.

He actually sat
at the dining room...

Dad, look at him.

He'll be like the son
I never had.

Okay, you can keep him.


Hey, did you hear that,
little fella?

Yeah, you get to stay.

You know, Willie,
my mom was wrong.

It is fun to play
with your food.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Somewhere in this yard

your illustrious
predecessor rests.

At least,
that's what they told me.

They could be lying.

They're an odd family.

- Hi, ALF. What are you doing?
- Hi, B.

I was just showing Flipper
where Lucky was buried.

You named him Flipper?
That's a stupid name.

Hey, don't criticize.

You haven't seen him underwater.

I wanna name him Lucky II.

Brian, are you trying to tell me
that you like this kitten?


Not even just a little?

Well, maybe a little.

Well, maybe a lot.

You know what?

I think you should go inside

and tell that to your folks.

- They like that kind of junk.
- Okay.

You even look
a little like Lucky.

Same fat cheeks.

Same meaty thighs.

Same delectable aroma.

Maybe I should keep him
in my room.

Good idea, B. Why tempt fate?

[theme music]

[music continues]

[ALF laughs]