ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 23 - I Gotta Be Me - full transcript

[ALF chuckles]

Yes. Yes. Park Place is mine.

That completes my empire.

This isn't any fun.
You won everything.

Just call me Harry Helmsley.
You could be Leona.

Here. Here's a
"Get out of jail free" card.

[laughs]

[car approaching]

ALF, I think
that's Robert and Lynn.

When is she gonna get
over this guy?

Why? Robert seems like
a very nice young man.



Willie, he's a mime.

That's how he's helping
to put himself through college.

Hating mimes is the one thing
that could bring the world

together in a common cause.

Come on, Brian.

- Hi.
- Hi, guys.

Robert, nice to see you again.

What did you two do all evening?

Robert was teaching me
a movement in mime.

- She's pretty good.
- Oh, really.

What did you learn?

Woman riding escalator.

[Kate chuckles]
Very good, honey.

And it can only get better.



Well, I have to go.

I have a self-defense class
for mimes in the morning.

Night.

I had an extraordinary time.

But I told you that already.

Goodnight.

Ho-ho. You never kiss me
like that.

What is it, the hair?
Because I could shave.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

"Sodium citrate, citric acid

malic acid, sulfuric acid."

- Let me see that.
- Ha, ha!

Gotcha on that last one.

What is all that stuff?

Didn't you have food additives
on Melmac?

No. We had the odd rodent part

but technically
that was a preservative.

Oh, ALF. Come on, big guy.

Time for bed.

Now, my cousin, Freda,
she found an entire rat head

although she shouldn't
have been surprised.

She found it in a can of
rat head soup.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.

How was the game?

You'll never guess
what happened at half time.

Everyone went home again?

I won the raffle.

So I sort of felt obligated

to stay
for the rest of the game.

Oh. That's great.
What did you win?

An all-expense-paid weekend
for two at a ski resort.

I'll go, but I'm not gonna cook.

So who are you going to take?
Joanie?

Oh, right. I'm taking Robert.

- Robert?
- Yeah.

In fact, we're gonna go
this weekend.

I can't wait to get up
into the mountains

and breathe all that fresh air,
go for long walks in the snow

sit by the fire.

Sip cheap wine out of a box.

[sighs]
Lynn, I can't believe
you'd plan this kind of a trip

without asking permission.

Permission?
Mom, I'm 19.

She has a point, if you ask me.

No one's asking you.

Okay, that's a point for you.
It's tied one-all.

Get out.

You didn't say, "Godzilla says."

But perhaps I didn't hear.

[sighs]
Okay, you may be 19

but as long as you live
in this house...

Oh, that is
such a mother thing to say.

What's the matter?
Don't you trust me?

(ALF)
'Score another point for Lynn.'

Look, I just don't think
it's right for you

to go away for the weekend

with someone you hardly know.
Okay?

You hardly know him.
I happen to know him very well.

I can't believe
you're acting like this.

What's going on?
What did ALF do now?

Ha. For once, you're wrong.

I was merely being annoying.

Would somebody care
to fill me in?

Lynn won a raffle,
and apparently

the winner gets to sleep
with Robert.

Excuse me?

Lynn won a weekend trip
to a ski resort.

- 'I see.'
- She intends to take Robert.

I'm sorry if you don't trust me,
but I'm going.

Ooh!

Hey, you want to know
what I think?

'Apparently not.'

[instrumental music]

[slurping]

[clanking]

[ALF burps]

You know, I don't understand
why Lynn didn't just lie.

Well, maybe that's your way, ALF

but not everybody's like that.

Well, it's a curse.

Fortunately, I have
the boyish charm to pull it off.

Coffee?
Dad, it's after 10 o'clock.

I don't expect any of us will be
sleeping much tonight anyway.

Oh, Willie,
our little girl's growing up.

It seems just like yesterday

she was wearing
her first training bra.

Which raises the question..

What can they do now
that they couldn't do before?

- Get out.
- I haven't finished my snack.

Your bowl is empty.

The refrigerator isn't.

Out.

Lynn, you know, you could ease
this whole situation.

How? By promising
nothing will happen

that mom doesn't want to happen?

Dad. You don't want me
to be a hypocrite.

Well, I don't want to
rule out any options just yet.

You guys raised me
to be able to think for myself.

And to make the right decision.

And so you have.
As far as I know.

Then why does mom think I'm
gonna suddenly stop doing that?

Well, I guess she wants to be
sure that

your right decision is...right.

That's not okay anymore.

I don't want to make mom unhappy

but if I make her a promise,
I want to keep it.

And if situations occur

and I'd have to break
that promise..

Well, you see my point.

Absolutely.

Is this making you
uncomfortable?

Absolutely.

I'm glad we had this talk.

- I'll see you in the morning.
- Abs..

Goodnight.

Willie, when it comes time
to have this talk with Brian

I'll handle it.

[instrumental music]

I take it the trip is still on.

It was never off.

Good for you, Lynn.
Stick by your guns.

ALF, please,
I've had enough for one day.

Oh, chill out, huh?

How long have you had this
down comforter?

You can't have it.

You're too materialistic.

You should never
fall in love with anything

that can't love you back.

Ask your dad.

Ah. Ah.

- What are you doing?
- Ah.

Any chance you'll get
snowed in up there?

You can't have my room.

Yeah, well,
what if I had a broken leg

and couldn't get up
to the attic?

You still couldn't have my room.

Okay, okay.

What if I had two broken legs

and six months to live?

Make it three months,
you got a deal.

Ha! I would've settled
for two. Ha!

So when do you go over the wall?

First thing in the morning.

I wish it didn't have to be
like this.

Well, if it's any consolation,
I went through the same thing.

Your mother didn't approve
of Rhonda?

No. She had a reputation.

She skied around.

Of course, that's how we met.

We won't go into that.

[instrumental music]

No, Brian, it's fine.

Now, as soon as Lynn leaves,
I'm gonna yell, "Fire."

While everyone runs
for their lives

you move everything of mine
into Lynn's room.

Does Lynn know about this?

[chuckles]
Are you kidding?
It was her idea.

- So can I count on you?
- No. I'm not so stupid anymore.

Yeah, well, don't kid yourself.

Brian. Brian.

Kate, I was just bringing you
this.

Oh, thanks, honey.

You didn't get much sleep
last night, did you?

No.

Maybe you should switch to
decaf.

[car horn honks]

Robert just pulled up.

Then you're determined
to go through with this.

Yeah. I bet you never thought
you'd live to see

your own daughter go off
to the mountains.

[knock on door]

- Good morning.
- Hi.

Good morning, Mr. Tanner,
Mrs. Tanner.

Robert.

Guess what, when I called
the hotel to confirm

they said they were giving us
a suite

with a fireplace
and a hot tub.

Isn't that great?

What? What does that mean?

Wait, wait, I should know this.
I'm a mime.

It means you should have waited
in the car. Let's go.

I see.

Well, as we say
in the business..

[ALF humming]

Whoops. I mean...fire!

[chuckles]

[humming]

[instrumental music]

[car approaching]

Oh, they're here.
Honey, what am I going to do?

I am so mad at myself
over the way I handled this.

Or didn't handle this.

She'll understand,
now that the two of you

had a couple of days to relax.

Lynn's probably so relaxed
she'll have to be wheeled in.

May I suggest you shut up?

And go clean your stuff
out of Lynn's room?

You know, I still can't believe
she agreed to let you use it.

Hey, I've got it right here
in writing.

- That's your handwriting.
- It was dictated but not read.

Hi.

♪ The minute she walked
In the joint pom pom ♪

Oh, ALF.

I'm sorry about the way I left.

I talked it over with Robert.

I don't want us to be angry
with each other.

- Are we okay?
- Honey.

Honey, let's just put it
all behind us.

Oh, I'm for that.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi. Hi.

So how was your trip?

Yeah. How'd you make out?

[chuckles]

For heaven's sake.

Oh, like you're not dying
to know.

The sunsets were gorgeous.

The snow was a pale blue

and there were all these, these
fire torches from the ski patrol

as they carried the injured
down off the bunny slope.

Well, I-I'm glad
you had a good time.

He is so neat.

We talked about everything.

Philosophy, music, books.

He told me about his childhood,
his fears.

And we thought
about the future

what it would be like
to live together.

Whoa. Back up.
Back up. Back up.

I knew that was wrong the second
it came out of my mouth.

I'm glad you realize
what a mistake it would be.

That's not exactly what I said.

You mean you talked to him
seriously

about the two of you
living together?

And what if we did?

Uh, I have to agree
with your mother here, Lynn.

Uh, that's just totally
out of the question.

- Why?
- Yeah, why?

Lynn, stay out of this.
I mean you s..

Lynn, you're too young.

Dad, some of my friends from
high school are married already.

What would you do for money?

Hey, she skis now.

That's gotta be worth something.

All I said was that we talked
about living together.

- What's the big deal?
- Oh!

Sweetheart, we just don't feel
you're ready

to make this kind of decision.

Maybe it's time we found out.

Hey, you guys,
if it's any consolation

I'll never leave you.

[instrumental music]

[whistling]

[knock on door]

Hey, what a surprise.

- Hi. Can I come in?
- Are you kidding?

[chuckles]

We just left each other.
Going out already?

Well, what can I say?
I'm a workaholic.

Robert, remember that discussion
we had about us living together?

Mm-hm.

This would be a good time
for me.

Oh.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well, I guess
I just dropped a bomb, didn't I?

No, no, no.
It's, uh, it's-it's..

You know,
we-we should talk about this.

I mean, I'd, uh, I'd have to fix
up the apartment.

Please, I can't take
all this affection.

Honey, y-you know I'm crazy
about you.

But not at sea level.

It's just that
I thought we were talking about

sometime in the, oh

say, unspecified,
indeterminate future.

Then what was all that talk
when we were in the mountains?

Did you just think
I'm just some girl

that needs to hear promises?

What has your mother done now?

I just mentioned that
we might eventually one day

move in together
and she went nuts.

Why did you have to say
anything at all?

Because. Just because.

Well, that's all the reason

I need to start
our lives together.

Okay.
Okay, I'll go back.

I'll play Suzy Creamcheese
one more time

but I won't promise to like it.

Leave me something.

You know,
it might not be so bad.

You'd be doing what she wants.

She's just gonna think
that you're incredibly mature.

Yeah, she wants me to be mature.

She just doesn't want me
to grow up. Thanks.

[instrumental music]

Have I thanked you lately
for driving

your daughter out of the house?

Can you try to have
a little compassion?

This has been a very
upsetting weekend for us.

I resent that.
I care deeply for Lynn.

You're not thinking of
moving back, are you?

Tenant protection laws
are very strict in this state.

ALF.

Dad, can I speak to mom alone?

Of course.

ALF, get out.

What is this? All I hear lately
is "ALF, get out."

What do you want?

(both)
Get out.

Fine. Just say so.

Mom, I admit
I shouldn't have left like that.

That's one thing
we're both able to agree on.

I just don't think that
I have to ask your permission

for everything I do anymore.

Well, at least we should be
able to discuss it

so I can force you
to change your mind

if I disagree with you.

[Lynn scoffs]

Mom, I'm not
your little girl anymore.

You're going to have to trust me

to be able to make my own
mistakes.

Well, did you have to cram them
all into one weekend?

Okay. What's the,
what's the problem here?

You must have assumed
that one day

I would have a serious
relationship.

Okay, okay, look...I know
this is gonna sound corny

but I had this kind of plan

that-that you and I would have
this incredibly profound talk

about all the things
that were gonna happen

when you were about to

go skiing.

Mom, we're both adults.
Can we drop the euphemism?

I'd rather not, thank you.

Anyway, I-I thought
when you grew up

we'd talk about our hopes
and our dreams

how it would be.

Kind of like
Terms of Endearment

without me screaming
for your medication.

[laughs]
As nice as that sounds.

Oh, you are still my little girl

and, and it kind of meant
the end of something.

It meant the end
of something special.

I mean, there were
so many things I..

Did I say it all?
Did I give you enough?

Oh, Lynnie.

Lynnie, where did the time go?

[sobbing]
I'm sorry. I had no idea.

[sniffles]
It's okay. It's okay.

It's just a mother's guilt trip.

Well, you're surprisingly
good at it.

[laughs]
Listen, if I start saying,

"My feet are killing me,
it's your fault"

you pull me back, okay?

- I'll be there for you.
- Thanks.

So..

...you've, um, decided to
move in with Robert?

No. I think I'll stick around
here for a while.

Is it that Robert's a mime?

Because there's places
he can go to get help.

No! Hey!

[instrumental music]

Hi.

You weren't thinking
I should leave, were you?

Of course you should leave.
This is my room.

But you'll be moving out
one of these days.

Not today. Get out.

I don't want to.

I don't care.

- An impasse, it would seem.
- ALF.

You're not looking at
all the advantages

of switching rooms, Lynn.

This room is less drafty
than mine.

And the bed is softer.

And there's a nice view
out the window.

ALF, those advantages are
all yours.

What's your point?

The point is I'm tired
and I want you out of here.

I'll tell you what,
we'll share.

Which side of the bed
do you want?

- ALF.
- Better take the left.

I have to warn you
I drool in my sleep.

Now, if it comes out black,
run for your life.

Don't ask questions.

Come on.

[instrumental music]

Goodnight.

[theme music]

[ALF laughing]