ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 21 - Stayin' Alive - full transcript

And these pictures of Earth
were taken from space?

Yeah. By satellite.

See that guy waving?

- That's your dad.
- Really?

[laughs]

What's that?

- Aah! Aah!
- Gotcha.

It took me four years
and I finally got you.

What can I say?

You've learned well,
Grasshopper.

Congratulations.



Ha! What a maroon!

Hello. Am I glad to be home?

Oh, sure, if you don't mind

your son's going to
inherit a dying world.

What have you done now?

I was just showing Brian
where the world's rainforests

used to be.

You know, you guys
are really doing a number

on this planet.

If I were you,
I wouldn't expect to

get my security deposit back.

Were these free?

[laughs]

You wish.



You know, this has got me
very worried, Willie.

Everything I read in the papers
is bad news.

Oil spills, acid rain

toxic dumping, Zsa Zsa.

I know it sometimes
looks pretty grim.

Oh, ha. Face it.

Putting humans
in charge of the Earth

is the cosmic equivalent
of letting Eddie Murphy direct.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

Oh, you're up early.

I had trouble sleeping.

I heard something
very disturbing last night.

ALF, w-when two people
love each other...

Oh, relax.

I wasn't listening at your door.

It was something
I heard on the radio.

[sighs]

I suppose I don't
have to tell you

what chlorofluorocarbons

are doing to
the Earth's atmosphere.

Although, I'd probably
have to tell Kate.

You mean C.F.C.'s?

those man-made chemicals
used in coolants

which are responsible
for destroying

the Earth's ozone layer?

Those chlorofluorocarbons?

Lucky guess.

Now spell xylophone.

We're gonna be here
for quite a while, aren't we?

The guy on the radio said
this company called Sendrax

is one of the nation's
largest suppliers of C.F.C.'s.

And now you're sending a letter
to the station to thank them.

Please, God, that's all it is.

This happens to be a letter
to the head honcho of Sendrax.

A letter? Good for you.

Well, thank you.

Anyone care to read it?

It's quite, quite, quite

quite, quite, quite, quite good.

"Dear Sendrax,
manufacturing C.F.C.'s

is a threat to the survival
of the planet.

"In fact, I'll go out on a limb
and say it's wrong.

Damn wrong!
So just knock it off."

Very well-reasoned.

And the use of the glitter pen

gives it a certain
visual appeal.

- Good luck.
- Don't.. Don't encourage him.

Oh, Willie, it's one letter.

It's the same thing
that we would do.

It always starts out
harmlessly enough

and then we're left there,
just left there scrambling

for yet another mortgage.

He feels strongly about it.

And you know
he's gonna do it anyway.

[instrumental music]

And another thing.

Besides destroying
the ozone layer

C.F.C.'s also contribute to,
uh, the greenhouse effect

which is heating up
the Earth's atmosphere.

Now, I find this
especially troublesome because..

Well, I have a lot of hair.

(male #1)
'Right. Uh, thank you, Gordon.'

'And remember, callers,
today's topic is'

'home health care
for the elderly.'

Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm
in favor of that, by the way.

(male #1)
'Murray, I thought you were
screening these calls.'

ALF, you shouldn't be
on the radio.

Well, T.V. tends to
make my nose look large.

You got another letter
from Sendrax.

Ooh! Ooh, I'm so excited.

Am I drooling?

Thankfully, not yet.

Ah.

"Dear Mr. Shumway.
Thank you for your letter.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

We, too, are concerned
about the environment."

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Ugh. Blown off again.

Maybe you should just drop it.

No, I can't sit idly by

and watch another planet
be destroyed.

That would make me oh for three.

Three?

Guy has to have some secrets.

I'm prepared to
send thousands of letters.

Hundreds, if that's
what it takes.

[instrumental music]

"Dear Sendrax.

"You should stop making C.F.C.'s

"because as Gordon Shumway says

"'There's no zone
like the ozone.'

"Much love.

Marvin Hamlisch."

There's a notation
in my checkbook

for a $300 payment
to the post office.

Oh, oh, oh. And you think
I'm responsible, don't you?

Because that's what the tone
of your voice implies, mister.

And if you think you can just
waltz in here and accuse me of...

Just admit it, ALF.
Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

Alright, alright.

I needed to send
a thousand letters to Sendrax

and I ran out of stamps
after the first six.

I hope that clears up
the matter.

Did it ever occur to you
that when I tape my checkbook

to the underside
of my sock drawer

it means I don't want
you using it?

Well, I'm not a mind reader.

Contrary to popular belief

I do not exist
merely to bankroll you.

So that's it, huh?

You're cutting me off
at the knees.

Consider yourself lucky.

Kate suggested a foot higher.

Eh. She'd have to
catch me first.

I knew it. I knew
this was gonna end badly.

Why are you always

doing these things
without asking me?

Why are you always
testing my l...limits?

Why is this letter
signed "Marvin Hamlisch"?

Are they all signed
"Marvin Hamlisch"?

No, that would be stupid.

Every letter
has a different name.

But all of them
quote me on the radio.

See, that way Sendrax will think

I've created
a groundswell of support.

Shockingly clever, isn't it?

[telephone rings]

If that's Barry Manilow,
I'm not home.

Hello.

Yes. Just a moment.

It's for you.

I'll try to keep it short.

You've been very understanding,
by the way.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Gordon Shumway.

It's someone from Sendrax.

Oh, I feel so muy important.

Somehow, we've
got to get you into therapy.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

No, no, we haven't
dropped the plans

to go ahead
with the consumer boycott.

[whispers]
I've got them scared.

A meeting?

I don't think
that would be possible.

A lawsuit?

Uh..

Would I be suing you..

...or would you be suing me?

I see.

It's for you.

[softly]
Hello.

[instrumental music]

ALF, you have got to think

what did you say
in those letters?

Well, there were so many.

I don't recall
any one underlying theme.

Does threat, squat and run

mean anything to you?

Well, maybe
one underlying theme.

Oh, look at that,
it's punishment time.

What did the lawyer say, dad?

He said he bills
by the quarter-hour

and that he generally
discourages people

from antagonizing corporations

that have more resources
than God.

Well, may I offer

a few feeble words
in my own defense?

Thank you.

That company
is doing bad things.

And I say we pick up
their gauntlet

and nail them to the wall.

Right, Brian?

What? I'm sorry, what?

Oh, it might not be
such a bad idea

to meet with Sendrax
and beg for mercy.

No, in a dignified way,
of course.

I never had to grovel.

Should I start on my knees

or should I build up to it?

[instrumental music]

Mr. Shumway? I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

I'm Steve Michaels.
It's nice to meet you.

[stuttering]
As I was telling your secretary

my, my real name is Tanner,
Willie Tanner.

Oh, oh, well, I can see
why you changed it.

Mine's Stephanovich Miglorisky

but Steve Michaels is much less
ethnic, don't you think?

Uh-huh.

Please. Please.

Well, you've created

quite a stir
at the front office.

[chuckles]

That's why I'd like to
take this time to tell you

that we at Sendrax
are very, very concerned

about the environment.

Of course. I'm sure you are.

Definitely.
That's good enough for me.

And that's why we're joining
other concerned companies

to stop the production
of C.F.C.'s

within the next 10 years.

Oh.

So you can see how

mounting a campaign against us

would be foolish, can't you?

As foolish as our using

our immense legal staff

to stop you in court.

Not to mention costly.

Absolutely. Foolish and costly.

And if you let me go..

I mean, when I go

I'm going to tell that
to my supporters

and I know you're not gonna have
any more problems.

Excellent. Excellent.

Then we're in agreement.
Great. Great. Great.

Hey, let me give you
some souvenirs

so you can walk away
with something, huh?

- Oh, okay. Thanks.
- Huh?

- Do you have any kids?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I've got three kids.

I.. I have two, uh,
I have two boys and, uh..

- I, uh..
- Oh, well, great.

They'll love this stuff.

- There you go.
- Oh!

Thank you very much.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much.
And, and, and goodbye.

Oh, it's always nice to
meet someone who cares

but doesn't get
annoying about it.

Uh..

You know..

You know what my kids would love
more than any of this?

They'd really love to
have some reassurance

that they're gonna be
left an environment

that's not been decimated
by corporate indifference.

I, I don't really think

that's all that much
to ask, do you?

How about a really nice
fanny pack, instead?

I can't guarantee
they're gonna be left a world

with any ozone layer.
or any rainforests

or any living things at all
for that matter.

You know, you can't just
turn around in 50 years

and say, "Uh-oh.
We made a mistake."

Because who's gonna
be there to hear it?

I'm sorry, Mr. Michaels,
at the risk of angering

your immense legal staff..

...this problem
isn't gonna go away

just because
you choose to ignore it.

Well said.

Very, very, well said.

I'm sorry. I couldn't,
I couldn't contain myself.

I, I admire that commitment.
That passion, you know?

You're an
articulate man, Gordon.

Frankly, we're
always looking for

just that kind of people
around here.

- Yeah.
- Okay. I'm going.

No. The-there's an opening
in public relations.

Of course, the money isn't bad.

I mean, 75 a year.

I'm just assuming from your suit

that's considerably more
than you're making.

You're offering me a job?

That includes
two Lakers season tickets

if you don't mind
sitting courtside.

Nicholson yells a lot, but he
knows a lot of fancy women.

Mr. Michaels,
with all due respect..

...would you expect me to
take a job with a company

that's responsible
for destroying..

Would that be all the home games
and the parking?

You're a shrewd businessman.

I just wanna be clear.

[instrumental music]

(ALF)
'"Sendrax: We Care."'

This stuff is way cool.

I can't believe it was free.

So you're considering
his offer, aren't you?

[sighs]
I know they're not

the most socially conscious
company in the world

but even so,
it would give me a chance

to try to affect
some change from inside.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, I see.

You're saying that realistically

what kind of change
could I affect

in that position?

No.

So, so then you're saying

it wasn't my eloquent speech

it was just their way
of buying me off?

Willie, listen to me.
I'm not saying anything.

Kate, will you get off his back?

You think I'm fooling myself,
don't you?

You think that not only would I
not be doing the right thing

but that I'm selling out
everything I believe in

for $75,000, and a chance
to meet Jack Nicholson.

Would you take the job, Willie?

Then you could hire me
as your assistant.

Together we can
destroy the company from within.

ALF, please.

It's not without precedent.

Look at C.B.S.

Dad, if there's
any chance at all

that you can use your position
to make a difference

from inside the company,
don't you think

you owe it to yourself to try?

I mean, really try?

- What do you think, Kate?
- No, Willie.

- No...
- No, this is your decision.

Well, what do you really think?

Well, I...I was
thinking about Earth Day.

Oh.

- Yeah. 1970.
- 'Yeah.'

We organized that sit-in
against that company

that was polluting
the bay, remember?

And they had just
shampooed the carpets

we all got these terrible rashes

and had to spend the night

at the free clinic.

It was quite a sight.

Three hundred people
from every walk of life

chanting and scratching.

Who am I kidding?
I'm not taking that job.

Oh, but I'm telling you, Willie

we can crush that company
in five days.

Three, if we work nights.

ALF, we'll beat them
some other way.

Trust me.

Alright, alright.

It'll do me good anyway
to tell Michaels

what he can do with his job.

Well, this time
when you tell him off

see if they have any
jogging suits to go with my hat.

[instrumental music]

[intercom buzzes]

(Laurel)
'Mr. Michaels.'

'Mr. Shumway is here.'

Fine. Send him in.

Tanner. It's Tanner.

Pete. Michaels. Yeah.

See if you can get me
a tanning bed at 5:30.

I'm going to Saint-Tropez
and I don't wanna look like

the twin moons of Jupiter
out there.

Okay.

Hey, Willie.
How's it going, bub?

Mr. Michaels.

If you were doing something
that was bad for you

and somebody pointed it
out to you that it was

would it take you 10 years
to stop doing it?

Ah, well, before you go on

I think I should tell you
you're talking to the wrong man.

I'm not gonna be shoved off
on somebody else.

Did you know that
if you took the ozone layer

and laid it on the ground,
it would only be

about as thick
as a piece of canvas?

And holes larger than Antarctica
have already been found in it.

And phytoplankton

that's the ocean's
first step in the food chain

can be destroyed
by just a 10 percent increase

in ultraviolet light?

This isn't about skin cancer..

...or cataracts

it's about
the end of the planet!

Again, brilliantly spoken.

However, as I tried to
tell you earlier

I'm leaving.

The new management
is bringing in fresh meat.

What? I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

Who cares? I don't.

You want these?

Well, uh, how about
these paper clips?

- No, no. No, thanks.
- Oh, I insist. Take them.

Go on, take anything.
I hate these people.

You need a phone?

Say, uh, this isn't
going to have

quite the impact that I'd hoped

but I'm not taking that job.

Uh-huh. That's too bad. Yeah.

Don't you care?

Have you gotten so caught up
in this corporate game

that you've lost sight
of what matters?

Ah. So you're taking this
to a personal level.

People have to care.

[scoffs]
Read your hat, man.

I've got an idea.

I think you're gonna like this.
It's gonna be fun.

Laurel, get me Jacobs
at the Baton Rouge plant.

If it means anything

I'm getting out of C.F.C.'s.

I'm going to a company
that makes textiles

or textbooks or Tex-Mex,
I don't know.

[intercom buzzes]

(Laurel)
'Mr. Jacobs on line four'

These people think they can just

kick my white butt out of here.

By this time next week,
they're gonna have to

turn me over to recognize me.

Rob? Hi, how's it going?

That's good. Great, great.

Listen, this just came down
from the top.

At noon today, we're gonna
stop making C.F.C.'s.

That's right.

Uh, stop thinking
about yourself for a second.

They're bad for the environment.

We care about
stuff like that, don't we?

Read your hat.

Okay. See you at the picnic.

That's it? One phone call?

Oh, well, they'll
figure it out in a few days

and start back up again.

Of course, um,
if you were to call the media

and tell them Sendrax
had turned over a new leaf

it might make it
a little harder for them.

Yeah, I could do that.

I almost worked
in public relations once.

[both chuckle]

You know, I'm not
really a bad guy.

I care about things too. I do.

Maybe not very deeply,
but all the same

I love the outdoors,
and I think the Earth

is just a great, great place.

Really, I mean that.
It is. Yeah.

- You play racquetball?
- Uh, afraid not.

Thanks. Uh, thanks
for what you did.

Oh, hey, I was just happy
to stick it to them.

[chuckles]

Say, uh, there's just one thing
I'd like to know.

Did you offer me that job

because you thought
I was right for it

or was it just to keep me quiet?

[chuckles]
We came this far together.

Do you really wanna
test our friendship?

[chuckles]

Thanks. Thanks for the phone.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, oh, here's another one.

Did you know
that statistics prove

if you turn the tap off
when you brush your teeth

you'd save 10 to 15
gallons of water every time?

Did you know
that statistics prove

that those who ramble on and on

long after they've been
asked to stop

are more prone to head injuries?

Oh, ha! I can top that one.

Did you know that
if everyone recycled

just one-tenth
of their newspaper

we could save about
25 million trees every year.

Willie, would you get me
the meat mallet?

It's a good book, Kate.

It's got things in it
that everyone can do.

Hey, did you know that
if every family

planted one tree,
we could replenish...

It's in the top drawer.

Look, we're recycling.

We're gonna boycott tuna,
we're writing letters

about the rainforest,
and you are driving me crazy.

But did you write those letters
on recycled paper?

That's it. That's it.

I give up. I give up!

Luckily, she's got me here
to remind her.

Oh, hey, Willie, did you know
that if we recycle aluminum cans

we can cut related air pollution

by 95 percent?

Willie?

[theme music]

[ALF laughs]