ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 15 - Love on the Rocks - full transcript

When Neal decides to drive to Las Vegas and remarry his ex-wife, ALF sneaks into the back of their car in a effort to try and talk Neal out of it.

There I was, on a lonely
deserted mountain road

in the middle of the night,
when suddenly

my breaks failed
on the downgrade.

Oh, Maxine, you must have been
scared out of you wits.

Let's just say I was screaming

my mantra at the
top of my lungs.

I'll bet.

I kept going faster and faster

when, suddenly, another
power took control

and-and pushed me
into the passenger seat.

Usually, I don't let other
people drive my car.

And that was the first
time you met, uh...?

What did you say
your friend's name was?

Vlad. The warrior god.

Maxine, this is fascinating.

But where would a
6000-year-old Mayan warrior

learn to down-shift a Toyota?

I know you're skeptical.

But if it wasn't for Vlad..

...I wouldn't be alive
to be reunited with Neal.

Did you say "reunited"?

Ours has been one of the great
romances throughout history.

Didn't Neal tell you?

Well, we haven't spoken
in a couple of days.

- Would you like some more tea?
- No, thank you.

- Neal?
- No, thank you.

I think I'll get us some anyway.

- I'll give you a hand.
- Come on.

Do you like 'em?

How can I like them after what
they did to my village?

Alright, who wants to go first?

ALF, it's easy to criticize,
but the world

is made up of all kinds
of different people.

As we've seen this
evening Maxine herself

is made of seven
or eight of them.

Still, if she
marries into the family

do I have to hide from Vlad?

Well, we'll just have to.. Vlad and
make that decision then.


Hey, look at it this way.
You haven't lost a brother.

You've gained a god.

You will all be
glad to see me burn.

But if I go through the fire.

I shall go through
it to their hearts.

Forever and ever.

And so, God be with me.

Not bad. Now do it again.

And this time, try
to show a little leg.

Alf, I'm auditioning
for Joan of arc.

I don't really think that
would be appropriate.

Just tell me if I've
got the lines right.

Okay. But I'm telling you.

It would be a lot funnier

if you were holding
a rubber chicken.

It's not a comedy.

Well, not the way
you're doing it.

Hey, I've got a great idea!

When they strike the first torch

grab your big toe and hop around

yelling, "Hot foot! Hot foot!"

I'm tied to a stake!

You're tied to a piece of meat

and you don't see
the humor in that?


Well, then you might
want to consider

a couple of well-placed tassels.


- You've been no help at all.
- What's wrong?

He wants me to hold
a rubber chicken

and wear tassels.

I guess he figures 'cause
he got Brian to do it once.

Oh. Alf.

It's Neal.

Oh, great.

God's gag gift to women.

- Hey, Neal.
- Willie.

The most amazing
thing just happened.

- Hi, Uncle Neal.
- Hi, Neal.

It's incredible.

It caught me
totally by surprise.

You won't ever guess what it is.

Your ex-wife's coming to town.

Brian, please. Go on, Neal.

Actually, that's it.

How did you know?

It's his standard guess.

Well, anyway, you'll never guess

why she's coming to town.

She wants you back?

Can you bend spoons, too?

Wha...Neal, when did
all this happen?

That's my ride.

Gotta go.

We'll see you.

You know, Neal,
that really is amazing.

I can't believe that Margaret,
after all she's put you through

that she would have
the nerve to call you up

and ask you to take her back.

It must have felt really good

to finally tell her off, eh?

Well, I...I suppose it would

had I taken that approach.

Don't tell me you're actually

considering taking her back!

Willie, I don't understand
what you-what you find so wrong

with my wanting to
go back to someone

I spent ten years
of my life with!

Neal, get a clue.

They hate her!

Willie, is that true?, Margaret
does have her sweet side.

Oh, you're not still
buying into that

"Poor little helpless me"
act of hers, are you?

I mean, she walked out on you.

Neal, even if she weren't

domineering, selfish..

Honey, honey. Shh.

Those are his words.

Still, Neal may not wanna
hear them again right now.

I think what Kate
is trying to say

and she speaks for all of us

is you're in it so deep,
we're all giving up.

So, what shall we
watch on TV tonight?

I've narrowed it down to
"Nova: Inside the Atom".


And-and I'm not
lobbying for this.

"My Mother the Car!" Yeah!

I'm not watching a show
where someone's mom

comes back as a talking car.

What do you mean? You laugh
at "Mister Ed" every night.

It's entirely different.

It's a talking horse.

What's the difference?

First of all,
Ed did not "come back".

And second,
there's no physical way

that a car can talk.

Well, that's not
necessarily true.

- If, let's say, the car...
- Honey, honey.

Please don't let him suck
you into this conversation.

- I'm gonna win this time.
- Mm-mmm.

Listen, a car is a machine...


...guess what happened.

You didn't get the part.

Will you stop that!

Tell us, honey.

I didn't get the part.

There'll be other roles.

I know. I got one.
It's one line.

I share it with six other
students. I'm a knight.

I don't even get to
play my own gender.

I told you you should've
shown a little leg.

'It's me, Neal.'

- Hi.
- Hi, everybody.

Willie, I wanna thank
you for forcing me

to see what
a...a fool I've been.

What are you
talking about, Neal?

Well, I was up all night
thinking about Margaret

and-and you were right.

I mean, we had an
empty marriage.

She used me as her cook,
her masseur

until just the right
credit dentist came along.

I mean, I don't know why
I didn't see through her.

You could barely see around her.

So, I acted on my feelings

and I-I did the
only thing I could.

You threw her body
in the trunk of your car?!

It's always the quiet ones.


Margaret's at the airport

and I told her to
take a cab here

because I didn't
wanna see her alone.


Well I didn't think

Willie should reject her
for me on the phone.

It's so impersonal.

Neal, I hope you
understand, for your sake

why Willie can't
do this for you.

Oh, please,
just this once Willie.

Forget it.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

But this is the last
favor I do for you.

Spoken like a true invertebrate.

What could be
taking her so long?

Maybe she met another
dentist on her way here

and is being worked
on as we speak.


Willie, at least
tell me what to do.

Just be honest, Neal.

Tell her that you
appreciate her feelings.

You just don't
happen to share them.

Yeah, and don't let the door

hit her big butt on the way out.

- ALF!
- I've seen pictures.

I'm allowed an opinion.

Hello, Neal.


You look..


W-wh-what'd you do to yourself?

Oh, gosh. Well, let's see, uh.. was a combination
of joining a gym..

...running three miles a day..

...eating only healthy foods.

But mostly it was
the extensive surgery.

Most women wouldn't
be so honest about that.

I think I've paid the price
for lying, don't you?

You look well.

So do you.


So how much did you lose,
60, 80 pounds?

You always did know
the right thing to say.

I know I've hurt you.

And I have no right

to ask you to give
me another chance.

But I'm asking.

Get your popcorn.
Get your flakes.

Get your sugar daddies.

Get away from the pass-through.

Give him a little privacy.

But she's got him
on the ropes, Willie.

She's pounding his midsection.

What's keeping him up?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

What? What?

Not since Tyson and Givens

has a man been so
outmatched in the ring.

We should invite
Margaret and Neal

to go to the movies with us.

Huh! Only if you
take them to see

"Throw Margaret from the Train."

ALF, Margaret and Neal

have rekindled
something in each other

and no matter how
much that repels us

it looks like she's gonna
be around for a while.

- Willie.
- I'm sorry, Kate.

I don't like her.
I didn't like her then

and I don't trust her now.

Oh, what the heck?

Let's go to the movies.

Well, anyway,
it's not for us to judge

what mutually
destructive qualities

two people need
to make them happy.

I think we should
just stay out of it.

It's too late, anyway.

The guy's so
ripped, he's butter.

Just stay out of trouble.

'This is Joey Del Rubio'

'and I can show you how
to make a million dollars'

'in your spare time.'

'I did it, and so can you.'

Well, do us all a favor.

Take 20 bucks out and
get your tooth cleaned.

'29.95. What's
more, you'll have...'


Oh, hi, Neal.

What's up, dude?

Yeah, is Willie there?


Darn, we're so excited about our
news and there's nobody to tell.

Oh, then let me find someone.

Hello? You're the guy
with the news, huh?

Sorry, ALF.

Margaret and I
are getting married.


Yeah! We're driving to
Vegas to tie the knot.

But, Neal..


Uh, listen, I gotta go.

Uh, tell everybody the
good news for me, okay? Bye.

But, Neal, wait! Don't..

...hang up.


This had to happen on my watch.

Do I sit by and do nothing

or risk all and save
the poor schlub?

Well.. is Vegas.

And there is that
sock of quarters

Brian's been saving.

Just think, in less than an hour

we're going to be
husband and wife.


And my sister and her four sons

could move back in with us.

She's down to 280 now

and she's practically
back on her feet.

You like sissy, don't you, Neal?

Look out!

Where were you going?

I, uh...guess I was having.. too many
happy thoughts. Uh..

You know-you know, Margaret

I-I was thinking, um.. wouldn't be so bad if we
lived in Los Angeles, would it?

Do you have to make an issue
out of where we're gonna live?

Well, it-it's just that I-I
like Los Angeles, and I...

Honey, let's not argue
on our wedding night.

Let's pop for the
swankiest room in town.

Maybe the hotel with the cowboy

with the arm that
goes like this...

Honestly, honey, your happy
thoughts are gonna kill us.

You mind if I go in first?

I'd like to freshen up for you.

I'm still not happy
with this face.

You really stepped
in it this time, Neal.

Have you gone crazy?
What are you doing here?

I came to see Rickles.

I came to stop you from making

the biggest
mistake of your life.


Do Willie and Kate
know you're here?

Yeah, yeah. I had a hall pass.
My dog ate it.

Look, ALF, I appreciate
your concern.

But this is none
of your business.

I wanna do this.

Well, if I were a
strict Freudian

I'd say your forays
into oncoming traffic

belay a deep
underlying scarediness.

You picked up on that, huh?

What are you
thinking about, man?


...we were.. the throes of, well..

...reuniting, and...

Whoa! Stop. Stop.

Stop, stop.

Why am I doubting myself?

Could it be because your blood's
on its way back to your brain?

What am I doing?

I'm just gonna go in there

and put this happiest
day of my life behind me.

Oh, will you forget Margaret!

We're in the most
exciting city in Nevada.

Donny Osmond's opening
for Morey Amsterdam.

We could go to the
Liberace museum.

Or look for a free breakfast.

There's so much to do.

And me without clothes.

It's not lady Di's wedding.

But then again, she didn't
get a free pull on the slots.

I now pronounce
you man and wife.


Now, here's your setup.

The paper plates
are on the table.

So go hit the buffet.

Number 41.

Forty one.

Right here!

"It always warms my
heart to see two people

so madly in love."

Now, the basic wedding is $45.

The videotape, the flowers, and
the rice, that's an extra 75.

We offer an Elvis witness for
$50 or the fat Elvis for 35.


Uh...just the basic wedding.

Were those guys
ever a bad investment.

We are gathered here to join

Neal Tanner
and Margaret Tanner.

Wh...are you two first cousins?

'Cause you're gonna have
to go to Texas for that.

No. It's a long story.

With a happy ending,
right, Neal?

Uh...I know this is
inappropriate, but, uh..

...I'll be right back.

Is something wrong, honey?

Uh, no, I'm, uh, I'm fine.

I just, uh, need to
run to the rest room

and, uh, throw myself a
quick bachelor party.

Number 43.

Forty three.


Neal, you're in luck.

I found a girl for you that

has all the qualities
Margaret lacks.

Plus she takes Visa.

Why do you suppose that is?

Put that down.


So, are you married?


We got as far as the vows

and I realized that
I don't love her anymore.

Yes! Yes!

Start the car!

Hop in the backseat. I'll drive.

This way we won't attract
attention to ourselves.

What am I gonna do?

What-what if Margaret's
the only one who will want me?

Then...take this
sock of quarters

and buy a gun.

That's it.

I go-I gotta tell her.

I-I just don't know how
to break it to her. I..

Take a deep breath.

Try to imagine life
in ten years.

Your survival instinct
should kick in after that.


What you babes are missing.

How was the party?

Nobody came.

Pretty flimsy.


I know.

What's the matter?

You can tell me anything.
You know that.


Wait, wait.
Let's get married first.

We can talk later.

Believe me, I never
wanted to hurt you.

do this to yourself.

Get your own plate.

Margaret, give me this.

You have never
forgiven me, have you?

No, it's not that.

It's just that..

I don't love you
anymore, Margaret.

I don't understand.

Just three hours ago in
short, quick breaths

you made it quite clear that...

I know, I know but I think
that came more out of

who we used to be
than who we are now.

I never should have left you.


But we're different people now.

And hopefully we'll
come out of this

stronger and better.

Well, I guess that's that.

Still friends?

Oh, of course.

Can I give you a lift back?


I've got a thumb
and a pretty nice leg

now, thanks to Dr. Marcus.

- I'll be fine.
- I know.

Take care of yourself, Neal.

You, too.

'Ha, yes!'

'Two cherries and a watermelon!'

Well, on behalf of all of us

I-I really feel you
made the right decision.

I tell you, it was a pretty
painful, lonely drive back.

Quit complaining.

You slept most of the way.

I still say you did
the right thing.

I just expressed that, honey.

Oh, good.

The only thing I
question is the wisdom

of taking ALF to
see a Las Vegas show.

Oh. Well, Margaret did
leave her parka in the backseat

and fortunately,
ALF looks way over 21.


Willie, we were at
"Nudes on Ice."

Trust me, nobody was
looking at the audience.

Ha ha ha!