ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 12 - Fever - full transcript

When ALF gets really sick, Willie and Kate consider taking him to a doctor.

I'm starved!

- How much longer, dad?
- Patience, Brian.



Before we start,
I've got to be sure

The gas line
is connected.

He's stalling.

He lost the instructions

and couldn't
get this thing started

with a flame thrower.

Yeah, well,
we'll see about that.

I'm afraid we can forget about

cooking these
spare ribs, Willie.

Kate, this is
a backyard Blitzer.

It'll cook anything.

See what you can do with this.

There's no meat
on these bones.

Stop! Stop right there.

I couldn't sit idly by

and watch you people
clog your arteries.

Sometimes I think
I care too much.

Well.. At least
we've got the hamburgers.

You know, Willie, it, it kind of
looks like it's gonna rain.

Well, it's just a few clouds.
It'll blow off any minute.

Any minute now.

The weather report
said sunny skies.

And me without sun block.

Well, do we
have everything?

paper plates..

I've got the vegetables
and the potato salad.

I've got the buns
and the coleslaw.

That's everything, Kate.

Why do I get the feeling
we forgot something?

Nope. That's everything.


Oh, yeah. He's pinned
underneath the grill.

I didn't want to embarrass him

by drawing
undue attention to it.

Oh. Oh, honey!
You're drenched!

Really? I hadn't noticed.

I was too busy flailing.

- Are you alright?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine.

- No thanks to...
- Oh, this is my fault.

Did you or did you not

knock the barbecue over on me

when you were
running into the house?

Oh, that.

That was my fault.

Willie, get out of
those clothes right away.

Before you catch a cold.
You too, kids.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You don't catch cold from
going out in the rain, Kate.

That's an old wives' tale.

Hence Kate's knowledge of it.

There's a reason old wives
get to be old wives.

They stay warm and dry.

No, I was just reading
an article about that

in one of my
scientific journals.

It said that volunteers
who were subjected

to rapid temperature changes

and cold water
did not catch cold.

- Gesundheit.
- Hmm.

I told you, honey.
You're catching a cold.

No! Nonsense, Kate.
One sneeze does not a cold make.

Just out of curiosity

how many sneezes
does a cold make?

Have some soup.
You'll feel better.


I really appreciate the way

you've been putting up with me.

Oh, you can't help it.
You're a man.

I'll just ignore that.

But thanks, though.

I have enjoyed
the peace and quiet.

'Yo! Willie!'

When I could get it.

I'll get you some more tissues.

Willie, you're
a whiter shade of pale.

As a matter of fact,
I'm feeling a lot better.

Oh, good!

You could have taken
a turn for the worse.

Developed pneumonia,
ended up in box city

Left us with nothing but Kate's
shaky career in real estate.

Does the phrase "thin ice"
mean anything to you?


You know, I think I ought to
call the office.

Maybe I could
squeeze in a half a day...

No. No, you need your rest.

You stay right where you are.

Really? I mean, you get to lie
around all day, eat, watch T.V.

How many people
get to do that?

I said "people."

What was that?

- What was what?
- You sneezed.

I did not.

I think you've
caught my cold.

Impossible. I told you before,
Melmackians never get sick.

Only inferior, backwards
species get sick.

No offense.

Just to be on the safe side

you better go upstairs
and lie down.

Okay, but I'll
need the microwave

The T.V., the V.C.R.

And "Police Academies"
one, two, three, and six.

Four and five lacked the pathos

and emotional underpinnings
of the others.


He's back!

But it's lonely upstairs.

Besides, I have to scream
four or five times

before Kate hears me
from up there.

I heard you the first time.
I was changing the baby.

Into what?

Make him go. Make him go.
Make him go.

Oh, can't I stay here
with you, please?

Please, please, please,
please, please?

You know, ALF..

...I was predisposed

to kick you
right out of here..

...but when you
started whining..

You know, Willie, it would be
a lot easier for me

If you'd let ALF
stay in here for a while.

What?! Oh!

- Alright.
- Oh, thanks, honey.

Thanks, honey.

Say...whatever happened

to your celebrated
immunity to illness, anyway?

Well, I've been
thinking about that.

Some Melmackian scientists
thought that our immunity

Came from the pollen of
this certain shrub in our diet.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

We called it Carl.

Carl Shrub.

Stay on your side of the bed.





You have the feather pillow.

I have the foam.

I don't like foam.

You.. A-choo!

You want my pillow?

Not anymore.

Chocolate cake.

I'm gonna put in an order
for chocolate cake.

You want anything?

Leave her alone.
Leave the woman alone.

Are you sure you're not hungry?

The brisket is very good today.

I can also personally recommend
the canned beans.



'Now what?'

Could you come in here
for a second?

'I'm busy, ALF.'

It's important.

What is it?

The pillow.

It's slipping down.


Needs some fluffing, too.

Anything else?

Well, my feet could
use some rubbing.

ALF, what you have is a cold.

It's not the plague.

It's not malaria.

It's not the Rocky Mountain
spotted fever.

And it will run its course.

Now, if you don't mind

I'd like to
go back to the kitchen

and finish making dinner.

You're making dinner?

Now I know for sure
Kate's trying to kill me.

Kate is at the store

filling a list of things
you requested

to help ease your suffering.

A small list of essentials.

Plus some reading material

a few videotapes, Aspirin

a hyperbaric chamber...

They were out of
hyperbaric chambers.


Michael Jackson must have
gotten the last one.

ALF, aren't you carrying
this thing a bit far?

I mean, it's been over a week.

Surely, you must be
feeling better now.

I'm not.

If anything, I'm feeling worse.

My earlobes
are starting to hurt.

You know, someone
who didn't know you

might think you were
just milking this.

And so might someone
who did know you.

Time to take
your temperature, ALF.

Oh, goody.

Now, let's see if we can
keep it in your mouth

a little longer this time.

Good! You beat your
old record by three seconds.

Here are the books
you wanted, ALF.

How are you feeling?

Like someone stuffed
gerbils up my nose.

You sound awful.

Nice touch, ALF.

Don't encourage him.


But I really am
feeling worse.

My cold ran its course
in a week.

Isn't it interesting that
yours is hanging on so long?

Look at this nose, Willie.

There's enough room in there
for the viruses

to start their own republic.

In fact, I think I hear
their vice president speaking.

Feel his head, Willie.

Wha.. He's not..

Oh, my.. My..

He, he is. He's burning up.

Actually, I'm having
a cold flash right now

I'm sorry, ALF.

I f.. I feel terrible.

Oh! I wish I felt that good.

I'll get you some lunch.

I just had a horrible thought.

Did you ever see that movie
"War Of The Worlds?"

A long time ago, why?

Do you remember
what happened to the aliens

when they were exposed
to earth's bacteria?

- You don't think..
- I don't know, Kate.

I just..

Don't know.

'Anybody got a spatula?'

Oh, hello, Dr. Cramer.
This is Willie Tanner.

Uh.. Well, I'm fine. Fine.

'The.. I m.. I mean..'

I'm not so good, actually.

Well, I.. I'm..

I'm sneezing.

And I'm coughing.

'Willie! My massage!'

And I'm very demanding.

Uh, well, that's
what I thought, too

but it's been going on now
for such a long time

that, I-I-I don't know,
is there something going around

that I should know about?

Oh! I see.

Well, thank you, then.
Thank you very much, doctor.

Alright. Goodbye.

What, what did he say?

He said there's
something going around.

The man's a genius.

I'm making ALF some soup.

It's his favorite.

Cream of pizza.

ALF's getting worse, isn't he?


I think we should give him
a couple of more days.

And if he doesn't show
some signs of improvement

Then we're gonna have to
risk taking him to a doctor.

Kate! Willie! Everybody!

Look what I found.



No.. I'm alright.

Just a little woozy.


It's a picture of Carl.

Now he's delirious, Willie.

That's a picture of a plant.

Carl. Carl!

No, Kate, Carl is the name
the Melmackians gave

to the shrub that gave them
their immunity.

It looked kind of like this.

- Ragweed?
- Oh..

I don't know, ALF, but
I don't think that will help.


But it's worth a try.

Be quiet or Trevor
and Raquel will hear you.


Do you think
it's actually possible

that they're
trying to raise ragweed?

Are you alright?

- No!
- What?


'Who's that?'

'Come on out of there!'

I got a hoe!

Hi, Trevor!

Willie. Was that you?


It's me, alright.

Hi, Trevor.


We thought you guys
were a burglar.

You could have been hoed.

Uh.. You see, Trevor


We thought we'd come over

and weed your backyard.

It was, uh.. Uh, yeah.

Uh, we saw the other day
that you had

quite a problem
with ragweed here

and so, we thought,
"Why not help out?

Why not just help out
old Trevor and Raquel?"

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Trevor.

He says they're here
to weed our garden.

Oh, please.



What is it, ALF?

Could you turn
the air conditioning up?

It's like an oven in here.

It's up as high
as it will go, ALF!

The ragweed's almost ready, ALF.

What would I want ragweed for?

You asked me to bake it for you!

Oh, nice. Yell at a sick alien.

Oh, when is this fever
ever gonna break?

- Aah!
- Aah!

What? What is it?

Willie! It's
the Angel of Death! Run!

No, no, ALF, it's okay,
it's, it's, it's Kate.

Oh! I knew it would
end like this.

A virus, Kate, ragweed..

...trapped in a submarine

with nothing to eat
but pinto beans

Stick with us, pal!

After we bake it,
what do we do?

Well...some of use like to
make brownies out of it

and take them
to Stanley Kubrick movies.

I don't think
we have time fore that.

- I'll go check on the ragweed.
- Oh!

Tell her to relax.

Things aren't critical

until I think
I'm at Tokyo Disneyland

with Annette Funicello.

You're gonna be okay, ALF.

We're not gonna leave you.

We got the ice for the bathtub.

Oh, great.

I'm on my death bed

you guys are having a keg party.

ALF, we got you the ice
so that if your fever

doesn't come down soon,
we can submerge you in it.

Up to my knees I'm okay.

If you get much higher,
you're gonna hear

one heck of a
Little Richard impression.

We're gonna put this ice
in the bathtub, just in case.

- Come on, Bri.
- 'Oh!'

- Get better, ALF.
- 'Oh!'


Take off your roller skates.

Grab a pad. Sit down.

I want to talk to you
about a will, Will.

I think it's only fair
to tell you..

...I have a lot of debts.

Oh, ALF!

This isn't the time..

What kind of debts?

Well, it's not
on my head anymore.

What do I care?

Now, shall we talk
eternal sleep?

I'm thinking a pyramid.
Nothing fancy.

Just a simple manmade
wonder in the backyard

facing the galleria.

How's he doing?

Oh! I loved you
in "Muscle Beach Party."

What's he talking about?

Oh, no! He thinks
you're Annette Funicello

Well, it's a step up
from the Angel of Death.

Oh! Hi, Goofy-san.

This prace is gleat!

Can we go on
the Small World ride?

I could never
remember that song.

Kate, I think we're
running out of time.

- Yes!
- You bring that stuff in.

We-we'll just have to
feed it to him

just like it is,
and hope that it's enough.

Hold on, pal!

Oh, Annette, you forgot
the Chocolate Jimmies.

She must have
her ears on too tight.

Where's the pesto?

I can't eat chocolate
turkey without pesto.

You put the last of the pesto

in your chocolate
ragweed, remember?

Don't remind me.

Getting that cold was
the most humiliating experience

of my life.

Made me feel almost..


A grizzly fate.

- At least you're better now.
- Yeah.

And the upside is, I've decided
to market my ragweed cold cure.

You know, like Amway?

Only, I'll call
my company Chumway.

You'll be my first
employee, Willie.

You'll love the dental plan!

Ragweed won't work
on Earth people.

In fact, ragweed
makes many of us sick.

Oh. You're fired.


You take the coleslaw.
I'll take the salad.

Today, we finally get to use
our backyard Blitzer.

I got the barbecue lit.

Specifically, the wheels.