ALF (1986–1990): Season 4, Episode 10 - Break Up to Make Up - full transcript

ALF gets upset when his anniversary party is interrupted by Kate's mother who flies in after a fight with her husband.

Hey, Willie, when does
the band get here?

No band, ALF.

Well then, who's gonna
back up the dancing poodles?

There are no dancing poodles.

Yeah, there are.
I saw them on "Letterman."

They dance pretty
good for white dogs.

No poodles, ALF.

And next time, I'll thank you

not to order dancing dogs

without asking me first.


So, when do all
the guests arrive?

Neal? He'll be here soon.

He just had to stop
off for a bottle of wine.

So, my third anniversary
of landing on your planet

is gonna be just another day

except for toilet
paper on the ceiling

and a piece of dry cake.

Gee, guys.
I'm all misty.

ALF, we're trying to make
this as special as we can, huh?

By the way,
this isn't toilet paper.

Well, it does the job

although it chafes.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get it.

Here, ALF. Does this look
like your spaceship?


Well, you forgot
the bumper sticker.

"My other spaceship
is a Porsche."

Other than that, it's a
pretty feeble attempt.

Ah. Calm down, mom.
I can hardly hear you.

Where are you?

The airport?

Don't invite her!
Don't invite her!

What's wrong?


Oh, n.. No, no.

Stay right where you are.
I'm on my way.

I thought you said we
couldn't have a dancing dog?

- ALF.
- You're right.

Who am I to assume
she knows how to dance?

What happened to grandma?

Mom and Whizzer had a fight.

She left him.
I gotta go pick her up.

What, is her thumb broken?

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, uh, we've got
a clock and a bird.

- Uh-huh.
- Bird-watch!

- Uh-unh!
- Uh, uh, bird-watching!

- That's it, let's eat.
- Uh-unh!

Are you sure?

Watch. Bird.


One flew over the cuckoo's nest!


That's my final answer.
Make it work.

Oh, come on!

What else could it be?

[timer dings]

What about "time flies?"

What about a
halfway decent clue?

Are you having fun, ALF?

Yeah. Great party.

Considering you guys
wouldn't let me have helium.

Ah.. Oh, aha.

I believe I smell a victory.

- Ready?
- Uh, yeah.








"All Quiet
On The Western Front!"

That's it.

Boy, way to go.

How come they always
get the easy ones?

"Time flies?"

[doorbell rings]

Oh, boy! The guest has arrived.

What on earth?

Hi, Willie.

Hi, everyone.

Hi, ALF.

Happy anniversary.

Hi, Uncle Neal.

Hi, Uncle Neal.

Why are you dressed like a bed?

ALF said it was a toga party.

Shoot! That was the call
I was supposed to make.

I'll, uh, I'll get you
something to put on.

Or we could all wear sheets!

Lynn? To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!

Fat chance,
fat chance, fat chance.

So where are the dogs?

They're at the airport.

I heard that.

He's upset because
Kate went to the airport

to pick up her mother,
and he's afraid

that she's gonna
spoil his party.

Oh. What brings Dorothy to town?

Oh, she and Whizzer
had another fight.

She flew out by herself.

Aw, that's a shame.

Another marriage
flapping in shallow water.

That's how I felt when
Margaret dumped me.

Oh, great. My party's turning
into a suicide watch.

[instrumental music]

Everything I own in the world
is in those suitcases.

Mrs. Deaver,
we're very, very sorry

about any inconvenience.

If they are not
on the next plane

we will have them delivered

as soon as we can locate them.

Please accept this coupon

good for one free
drink plus earphones

on your next
international flight

some restrictions apply.

Listen, young man.

This is not the first time

I have gone through
this on your airline.

Okay. Look.
Alright, I confess.

I took your bags.

I was behind you on
the counter in St. Louis.

I said to myself, "Whoo, this
lady must have pretty things"

is that what you want to hear?

Well, there's no
need to get nasty.

I'll check one more time,
because I care.

Have a seat.

Smart aleck.


Oh, Kate! Oh,
it's so good to see you.

I have been looking
all over for you.

What happened?

Oh, it was awful.

I did roadside
check-in in St. Louis.

Never do that. Always
take your bags straight..

Mom, mom. I was talking
about you and Whizzer.

Look, I don't want
to talk about it.

I have more important
things on my mind.

Okay, here. Come here.
Come here. Sit down.

Mom, you can replace luggage.

You can't replace a husband.

That depends on the luggage.

Mom. Whizzer?

He's dead. How's the baby?

You flew 2,000 miles,
you call me in a panic

you don't want
to discuss it, fine.

He doesn't give a damn about me.

All he cares about
is jazz, jazz, jazz.

The man is a
cultural cul-de-sac.

Do you know what it is like

trying to reason with someone

while he's draining
his spit valve?

Mom, you knew a spit valve
came with the marriage.

But I didn't know
my home would end up

being a storage locker in L.A.

All I asked from him was
to give up his lifestyle

and stay in one place.
Here. He said no.

So, I suggested a new place to
store his saxophone and left.

Mom, you knew how important

being on the road
was to Whizzer.

Now, is it possible
that you're not being

totally sensitive
to his feelings?

Kate, that is not fair.
I'm a very sensitive person.

I'm sorry.

Now, where's
rain man with my bags?


Alright! Come on,
I'm on a roll.

Hit me with another one.

Um, okay.



[piano music]

Ehh! "The Jeffersons!"

Mid '70 situation comedy

known today as "Amen."

- Oh, Lynn, you know that.
- I know.

Come on, come on, I'm hot.

Alright, alright, here it goes.
Here's one. Uh..

[piano music]

Eh! "Green Acres!"

Eddie Albert, Eva Gabor

finest of the rural comedies.

- Next! Huh.
- Okay.

H-here's one you don't know.

Oh. Uh..

[piano music]

Ehh! "Arnie."

Herschel Bernardi stepping stone
to "Fiddler On The Roof."


Can we play something else?

Something maybe
we can all take part in?

No! Next!

Brian, uh, is it past, uh

certain somebody's bed time?

You want us to wake you when
grandma Dorothy gets here?

Only if she brought me

If not, tell her I'll see her
in the morning.

[telephone ringing]


Oh, hi, honey. Where are you?

What? Well.. W-what happened?

Oh, don't tell me.
She's been taken hostage.

I say no deals.

They're still at the airport.

Th-they lost
Dorothy's suitcases.

Too bad they didn't lose her.

I can't get the two of them
don't get along.

Oh, they've had their moments.

Luckily, one of us
is always been around

to turn the hose on them.

Well, tell her we say "hi."


I wouldn't say fun.

Hurry home, though.

We'll save you some cake.

[doorbell rings]

Wait, don't tell me!

You got me my dancing
poodles after all!

Oh, I shouldn't
have said anything.

I spoiled the surprise.

Get in the kitchen.

Oh, you're really
gonna milk this, huh?

Okay. I'll try to
look surprised.

How's this?

Well, it's Whizzer!


Hi, Willie.
Is Dorothy here?

No, Kate just went to
pick her up at the airport.

I must have just missed them.

Hi, Neal. Hi, Lynn.

- Hi, Whizzer.
- Hi, Whizzer.

I guess you heard.

About your fight with Dorothy?

The woman is impossible.

Nothing I do seems
to please her.

I'm telling you, this thing
has got me so worked up

I don't know what to do anymore.

I would have called, but..

I've been a bundle of raw
nerves ever since the argument.

It's all I can do,
is to keep myself

from losing it altogether.

- I need a beer.
- No!

Relax! I'll leave a buck on
the counter, you cheapskate!

Oh, I'm sorry.

See what I mean?



'Arf, arf.'

'Would you believe "meow?"'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

How's your headache, Whizzer?

It's getting better.

You know, I always thought
that "hitting the ceiling"

was just an expression.

Does he, uh, levitate,
or cure people

by touching them, or anything?

You kidding?
Can't even make his own bed.

I can so!

I just don't want to.

You know, I've played a lot of
clubs over the year, but, uh

you're the third strangest
things I've ever seen.

Really? Does that include Kate?

Here you go, Whizzer.
Drink this.

Your pupils are dilating nicely.

Thank you.

So, ALF, uh..

What have you done
since you got here?

Well, I, uh..

Uh, w.. I, uh..



Oh, well, he..

...he eats a lot.

Have I left anything out, ALF?

This is incredible.

First, my wife leaves me

then I meet an alien.

How many people can say that?

You think, if they could get 250
tons of metal supply

how hard could it be to find
two pieces of luggage

day glow pink yarn?

Mom, enough talk
about the luggage.

They said, they'll call, they'll
call. You're driving me crazy.

You used to be
such an agreeable child.

Mom, Whizzer has been
playing music for 40 years

he has known you
for less than two

you're behaving like a child.

Why don't you just call him?

And give him the satisfaction?

- Mom!
- Anyway, I can't.

I don't even know where he is.

For all I know, he's in some
two-bit jazz club

buying a drink for some
lonely middle-age floozy.

- Oh, Whizzer won't do that.
- Are you kidding?

How do you think he met me?

[instrumental music]

Come on, 7, come, 11.

Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Don't give me no boxcars, baby.

Yeah, oh, yeah

mama, come to papa.

You know what I like.

Do you have to comment
on every single card?

It's a quick drop
from wonderment

to aggravation,
isn't it, Whizzer?

Come on, shut up and bet.

Who didn't ante?

You, ALF.

Oh, right.

Cover me, Neal.

What's the limit?

$5.00. Same as it was
a half an hour ago.

Okay, keep your shorts on.

I open for a quarter.

- I'm in.
- Me, too.

I'll stay for a quarter.

Sure, why not?

Well, too rich for my blood.

You were the one
that made the bet!

Oh, hello, Mr. Hoyle!

I didn't see you come in!

Cards, everybody.

Okay, I'll stay
with what I've got.

Two's fine.

One, please.

Will you not

please not keep
looking at my cards?

Then keep them out of my face.

Give me two.

Dealer takes three.

That sounds good.
I'll have the same.

You already said
you didn't want any.

It's too late.

But that was before I knew
what Willie's cards were.

I'm out.

What was the limit, again?


Well, in that case,
I'll bet 35 cents.

I'll see that 35 cents

and I'll raise you $1.00.

I'm out.

Yep, me too.

Well, they're dropping
like flies.

The bluff's working.

Alright, I'll see that $1.00

and I'll keep it company
with.. What's the limit?

I'm kidding!
Kidding, man!

Uh, Willie

would you stake me?

To what?
Uh, I mean, yeah. Sure.


Oh, come on,
Uncle Neal, stay in.

He can't know what he's doing.

Don't be a fool, Neal, fold.

Nobody plays that stupidly
without having a plan.

Trust me, there's no plan.

Okay, I'll see you four

and I'll raise you five.

What do you say, big talker?

Let's see 'em, Neal!

Three queens!
What have you got?

Well, enough sense not to bet
with my own money!

My deal! Five-card draw,
all red cards wild!

Well, the place
is still standing.

What did you do, dump the alien?

No, he's still with us.

As a matter of fact,
we're throwing him

a party in his honor.

Open or closed casket?

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just upset.

It's not every day
you lose your luggage.

Mom, you'll spend
the night with us

and in the morning, you'll
get in touch with Whizzer

and discuss your differences

like mature, rational adults.

Come on, come on,
give me my cards!

- Give me my cards back!
- No!

- Yes!
- Make me!

Step outside, you little...



What are you doing here?

I came looking for you.

So, you met cousin "IT."

Met him?
He's cheated me at cards.

Sore loser!

Can't prove it.

Oh, Dorothy,
good to see you again.

Yes, Willie.

- Hi, grandma.
- Ah, sweetheart.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Hello, Neal.

Oh, I 'm sorry about
you and Margaret.

Aw, thanks, Dorothy.
It was a tough adjustment.

I mean, after all,
when you've spent

as much time with one person...

Can it, Neal!

She's not interested.

So, Dorothy, can I
get you something?

A cab? A rickshaw? A broom?

No, maybe just a baseball bat

and a small body bag.

I-I think maybe
we should give

Dorothy and ALF
a little privacy.

Don't you mean Whizzer?

What did I say?

You said "ALF."

Oh, what could I
have been thinking?

Mom, talk to Whizzer.

Not in front of
the orange hairball.

At least mine's natural.

Come on, Whizzer,
we have got to talk.

She's just cranky because Toto
escaped from her little basket.

Look, Whizzer

we're obviously two
very different people

with two completely
different approaches to life

who happen to be
attracted to each other.

The only solution
that I can see is

you have to change.

Dorothy, what are you doing?
What do you want?


What do you think I want?
I want a home.

Is that too much to ask?

Oh, so we're starting
on that one again.

Look, there's one thing
you have to understand.

You're not more important
in this relationship than I am.

- I don't think that!
- Yes, you do.

So what if I do?

Well, I think if we have a
prayer of making this marriage

work, we're gonna
have to ask ourselves

one very important question.

And be honest.

Do you love me,
or am I just convenient?

You're convenient.

Well, so are you.

And I love you.

And I love you.

You know, you'd think after
three marriages between us, we'd

we'd be better at this?

So, what are we gonna do?

Well, each of us is going to
have to give up something.

You first.

Well, I can't give
up music, but..

...I will agree to look
for a permanent gig

and wherever
that turns out to be

we can live there.
How's that?

That is so giving
and thoughtful of you.

- Can we live here?
- No.

Now, this is the part where
you have to give up something.

Alright, I'll give up
the triplets.

What do I need with
more stretch marks, anyway?

- Dorothy.
- Tsk. But I like being here.

I like being close
to Kate and the kids.

How can you ask
me to give that up?

Well, I was hoping
you'd like to be near me.

Do you say that to
every cheap floozy

you pick up at a bar?

Only the ones I marry.

Oh, gross!

Now, I won't be able
to eat for a week.

Kate! Get in the kitchen
and hose down your mother.


[instrumental music]

Ahem. You know, I miss
being nice like this.

I know.
I hate it when we fight.

Of course, making
up has its advantages.


[both moan]

Are you sure
you two wouldn't be

more comfortable at the y?


Shouldn't you be
digging yourself

a hole for the night?

You know, Dorothy, they should
make a movie of your life story.

They could call it
"Lady Brings The Blues."

ALF, can we be alone?

Well, I appreciate
the offer, but

I'd rather swallow a hammer.

Can't the two of you get
along for even five minutes?

Hey! This is as good as it gets.

Well then, are you planning
to stand there the whole night?

Of course not.

Just till "Letterman" is over.

Maybe they have the
dancing poodles tonight.

[theme music]

[theme music]